SHE BECAME PREGNANT AGAIN, WITH MY LITTLE SISTER MANDY. (THE MIXTURE)
HE STARTED TO GET RESTLESS SO WE CAME BACK TO THE UNITED STATES TO BE STATIONED, WE MOVED TO...(OF ALL PLACES!) ELIZABETH, NEW JERSEY, AND NEW JERSEY WAS WEIRD. I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL AS WE WERE DEVOUT CATHOLICS NOW AND I HAD TO STUDY ABOUT GOD AND JESUS. WHAT? PREISTS AND NUNS? WHAT A SIGHT! I WAS LIKE 8 OR 9 MAN, WHO WANTS TO KNOW JESUS OR EVEN SIT STILL WHEN YOU'RE 8? SO I SHUNNED THE CONCEPT ALTOGETHER AND GOT IN TROUBLE A LOT, MADE TROUBLE FOR OTHERS AND BEGGED, PLEADED, TO TAKE DANCE LESSONS. ONE UP FOR THE LITTLE GIRL. DANCE WAS AMAZING. WALKING INTO THE CLASS I FELT KINDA STRANGE BUT I WANTED TO BE COMFORTABLE SOMEWHERE SO I THREW MYSELF INTO IT AND TRIED REALLY HARD. EXCEPT FOR OTHER GIRLS' INSECURITY AROUND ME, I FELT FREE WHEN I WAS DANCING.
HOME WAS A USUAL NIGHTMARE AND NOW MY LITTLE SISTER COMMANDED MORE AND MORE ATTENTION, SO TO KEEP COOL I JUST KEPT DANCING AWAY. AT NIGHT DREAMING OF KILLING MY STEPFATHER AND DANCING OVER HIS BLOODY BODY I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS ALREADY GROWING COMFORTABLY DYSFUNCTIONAL. IT WAS BLISS. BUT HAPPY HAD A SEAT FOR LONG IN OUR HOUSE. MY STEPFATHER (WHO I NOW HAD TO CALL "DAD") THOUGHT THAT SMILING WAS A WEAK EXPRESSION AND HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT SO I WOULD GET PUT DOWN BY HIM ALL THE TIME. WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW OUR FEELINGS, IT WAS ALL VERY REPRESSED AND DYSFUNCTIONALLY CATHOLIC HE FELT THE ONLY GOOD EXPRESSION WAS NO EXPRESSION AND THAT IS WHAT WE LEARNED VERY QUICKLY.
AND I NEVER SAW MY REAL FATHER AGAIN. WHERE WAS HE ANYWAY? I DID THINK OF HIM, BUT AS MY COOL UNCLE. MY MOM HAD TOLD ME WHENEVER I ASKED HER, THAT HE WAS MY UNCLE. BUT I STILL SECRETLY WONDERED. I MEAN HE LOOKED SO MUCH LIKE ME. ONE NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WHILE WE WERE LIVING IN ELIZABETH, I REMEMBER I AWOKE TO THE SOUND OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AND STRANGE VOICES IN MY ROOM I HAD LOOKED UP AND MY MOTHER WAS LIKE "DONT BE SCARED thoughtofmydelicatemind, EVERYTHING IS O.K." AND THEY PICKED ME UP AND PUT ME IN A CAR AND DROVE AWAY WITH MY MOTHER WAVING GOODBYE AND CRYING. I THINK I FAINTED AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE I WOKE UP IN MY UNCLE'S ARMS. SO SOFT, SO YOUNG, AND SO NICE, WE HAD DROVE TO FLORIDA I THINK. I GOT A TAN AND LEARNED THAT HE WAS A MUSICIAN AND THE OLDEST OUT OF 2 BOYS. HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A COOL CHICK AND HE LOVED BLACK SABBATH AND CREAM AND THE GRAND FUNK RAILROAD BUT WAS NOW IN BED WITH THE MANHATTAN TRANSFER GROUP. HE TALKED ABOUT MUSIC AND HIMSELF ENDLESSLY. I GOT CLOSE TO MY GRANDFATHER AND MET MY GRANDMOTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME ALSO.
ANYWAY, IT WAS AN INTERESTING EXPERIENCE. THE WHOLE TIME MY GRANDMOTHER WAS SPEAKING SPANISH I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO HER BECAUSE I HAD RECENTLY LEARNED ENGLISH AGAIN. I WASN'T ABOUT TO TRY SPEAKING SPANISH. I SPENT 1 GLORIOUS WEEK WITH HIM AND THEM AND IT WAS SO COOL HE BROUGHT A GUITAR AND WE KISSED AND DANCED AND MADE LOVE...NO JUST KIDDING. ARE YOU FUCKING SICK? DID YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT PART? I AM TESTING YOU.
SO I CAME HOME ALMOST RENEWED FROM BEING WITH MY "UNCLE" AND HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY. MY MOTHER LATER TOLD ME ONE SHOCKING DAY THAT THE MAN WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY UNCLE IN FLORIDA WAS REALLY MY FATHER. HE WAS ALREADY RE-MARRIED (AT 24!). YOU KNOW, I WENT TO HIS APARTMENT TWICE AND TWICE HE WAS ASLEEP BUT HIS NEW WIFE WAS REAL NICE TO ME, SHE LIKED ME A LOT, I THINK MAYBE I REMINDED HER OF A YOUNGER HIM OR I WAS JUST A REALLY CUTE 8 YEAR OLD.
LA, LA, LA, LA, THE EIGHTIES ROLLED IN AND MY INTEREST IN MUSIC DID TOO. SILENTLY SEETHING AND OUTWARDLY BRUISED, I WAS GROWING DISILLUSIONED WITH MY FORMER THOUGHTS THAT THE WORLD WAS PERFECT. MOM BEING PREGNANT AGAIN WITH TAMI, (THE TERMINATOR) WE MOVED TO ANOTHER PART OF NJ WHICH WAS NOT COOL, BUT AT LEAST THERE WAS NO CATHOLIC SCHOOL TO GO TO. I WAS NOW TO ATTEND PUBLIC SCHOOL. NOW I HAD 2 SISTERS SO I GOT USED TO SPENDING TIME ON MY OWN AND FIGHTING FOR MY SPACE (WHICH I NEVER GOT). WHEN I WAS ALONE I WOULD DREAM I DIDN'T LIVE THERE AND THAT THIS WAS NOT MY FAMILY. PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS COMING TO OUR HOUSE LOOKING LIKE WEIRDOS WITH STRANGE HAIR, A ODOR THAT NEVER WENT AWAY AND ALWAYS LAUGHING. THE MUSIC, THE MUSIC JUST PLAYED ENDLESSLY. EARTH, WIND, AND FIRE, MICHEAL JACKSON AND BANDS LIKE BOW,WOW,WOW, CULTURE CLUB WERE STAPLE THERE. EVERY NIGHT WAS A PARTY AT MY HOUSE. NOT MY PARTIES. MY DAD'S DANGEROUS, NOT FOR CHILDREN TO SEE, PARTIES.
THEN ONE DAY AFTER A TERRIBLE DAY AT SCHOOL, I SAW HER. ALL RAGGEDY ANN YET BETTY BOOP AND BEAUTIFUL. HER NAME WAS "MADONNA", THEY SAID SOME OTHER STUFF AND I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT, BUT I DO REMEMBER THE WAY SHE MADE ME FEEL WATCHING HER, I SAW STRENGTH BEHIND THOSE SOFT BLUE EYES, STRENGTH THAT, AS A FRIGHTENED CHILD, I WANTED TO HAVE. THIS WAS SOMEONE WHO COULD BEAT DADDY DOWN I THOUGHT. I WAS GONNA BE LIKE THAT, STRONG, CONFIDENT AND ALL ME. SO I TRIED TO FIND OUT ALL I COULD ABOUT HER. I DID AND SHE HAD NOTHING IN COMMON WITH ME BUT THE FACT THAT SHE DANCED AND FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT MUSIC. WELL, (I THOUGHT) SHE'S A GOOD ENOUGH ROLE MODEL, BETTER THAN MY MOM THAT'S FOR SURE.
AT A TIME WHEN I HATED EVERYONE AND FELT UGLY AND UNLOVED, THE MUSIC PLACATED ME, I THREW MY FEARS, MY DREAMS, MY EVERYTHING INTO THE MUSIC. I STARTED LISTENING TO RAP, AND IT BLEW ME AWAY. I IMMERSED MYSELF IN MUSIC FROM THAT TIME ON AND FELT COMFORTABLE AND SECURE. SO IN BETWEEN BEATINGS, YELLING AND PUT-DOWNS THE MUSIC WAS LIKE A BIG FUCKIN' PROTECTIVE SHIELD. A GIANT HOVER BOARD WHISKING ME AWAY TO SAFETY. WHEN THE MUSIC WAS ON THE BEAST HIMSELF WOULD SMILE AND LAUGH, AND PUT DOWN HIS HAND LOW ENOUGH TO TAKE MY LITTLE HAND AND ASK ME TO DANCE. BUT WHEN THE MUSIC STOPPED HE WOULD BE HURTING ME AGAIN AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A LOSER. I WAS STUPID, I WAS UGLY, I COULD NEVER BE LOVED BY ANYONE, I WAS TOLD. SO I BELIEVED IN THE HARSH WORDS OF THE GENERAL WHO I THOUGHT WAS A DEMON, AND TO ME HE WAS, HE REALLY WAS.
AFTER NUMEROUS MORE MOVES WE FINALLY SETTLED SOUTH OF NEW JERSEY IN A BLUE BUNGALOW-LIKE HOUSE. IT WAS MUCH LIKE MY STEPFATHER WHICH IS WHY HE MUST HAVE LOVED IT. BROKEN DOWN, COLD AND "A REAL FIXER-UPPER". SO WE MOVED IN (SO DID ROACHES EVENTUALLY) AND WE WERE TO START A LIFE THERE NOW THAT HE WAS OUT OF THE ARMY, HE WOULD GET A JOB AND BE A CIVILIAN. HE WOULD BE WORKING, GETTING A WEEKLY PAYCHECK, SPENDING TIME WITH THE FAMILY, GETTING A NEW CAR, GOING TO GREAT ADVENTURE, RENEWING THE PANELING FINALLY, FIXING UP THE HOUSE, GETTING A NEW POOL, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
WE WOULD LEARN TO ENDURE WHOLE YEARLY CHUNKS OF FALSE PROMISES FROM THIS MAN. HE STARTED INVITING "FRIENDS" TO STAY OVER, COMING ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT SMOKING AND DRINKING AND HAVING A "GOOD TIME" AT OUR EXPENSE. HE WOULD TAKE US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO HARLEM AND OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS TO SCORE DRUGS. NO SLEEP FOR US KIDS. PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER AT ALL HOURS WHILE WE WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING THESE PEOPLE SMOKE STUFF THAT STANK REALLY BAD AND I WONDERED WHY THE HELL I WAS ALIVE. HE NEVER GOT A JOB, OR KEPT A JOB, HE WAS A CONTRACTOR WHO CONSTANTLY BLAMED OUTSIDE FORCES FOR WHY HE DIDN'T HAVE MONEY (NEVER MIND ACTUALLY BLAMING HIS HABIT). HE AND MY MOTHER WOULD GET INTO HUGE FIGHTS BUT SHE BEING WEAK ALWAYS WITH THE EXCUSE WELL "IT'S BECAUSE HE" THIS OR "HE'S JUST" FEELING THAT...SHE MADE EXCUSES FOR HIM AND HIS TREATMENT OF HER AND OF US EVERY DAMN DAY OF OUR LIVES. SOMEWHERE AROUND 11, I JUST STOPPED BELIEVING HER AND STARTED HATING HER.
AROUND THIS TIME MY SISTERS AND I BECAME CLOSE WITH A "WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER" MENTALITY. ONLY THING WAS WE NEVER GOT BEAT TOGETHER. IT WAS ONLY ME, I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE THEY WERE HIS CHILDREN BUT NOW I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW WHY. THEN CAME MICHAEL (THE CONQUEROR), I NEVER HAD A LITTLE BROTHER. I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM FROM THE MINUTE I SAW HIM. I TOOK CARE OF HIM AS IF HE WAS MY OWN CHILD AND MY MOM WAS WORKING TWO JOBS. TO MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS, WHEN I WAS 13, OLDER, TAKING CARE OF THEM AND I THINK THEY LOVED ME AND LOOKED UP TO ME.
THINGS AT HOME GREW WORSE AS I BEGAN TO RESEMBLE MORE OF A WOMAN. SEE, THE GENERAL WAS RARELY HOME AT THIS TIME. WE NEVER SAW HIM AND WHEN WE DID HE WOULD BE YELLING OR FIGHTING WITH MY MOM OR HITTING ME WITH SOMETHING. I KNEW ALL KIDS DID NOT LIVE THIS WAY, I WAS SURE OF IT. IN DRUNKEN OR HIGH STUPORS MY STEPFATHER DID THINGS LIKE COME INTO THE BATHROOM WHERE I WAS OR MY BEDROOM AND PEER AT MY PRE-PUBESCENT NAKEDNESS WITH HIS DIRTY INTOXICATED EYES, OR COMING INTO MY ROOM AT NIGHT AND SMILING HE WOULD TRY TO TOUCH ME AND THREATEN ME AND I SCREAMED SILENTLY. THESE WERE MANY TIMES, WHICH ESCALATED, HE WOULD DO THESE THINGS WHICH I STILL CANNOT DISCUSS TO THIS DAY THAT I AM WRITING THIS. I FELT ASHAMED TO JUST BE IN MY BODY, ASHAMED OF MYSELF AND BEGAN TO SIMPLY HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH SO THAT I JUST COULD NOT STAND MYSELF.
I EVENTUALLY LOST ALL INTEREST IN EVERYTHING, EXCEPT IRONICALLY BOYS MY AGE. THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME THOUGH, THEY LIKE THE POPULAR GIRLS IN MY CLASS. I WAS KINDA LOUD, BUT NERDY SO I WAS TEASED BY EVERYONE FOR MY "EUROPEAN" LOOKS AND DRESS. I HAD A LITTLE PUNK HAIRDO. I WAS OUT OF MY RAP PHASE AND INTO PUNK HEAVILY IT WAS THE TIME AND RAP WAS DEFINITELY BIG BUT I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED FOR CHANGE IN ADVERSITY AND PUNK WAS A DEFINITE CHANGE. SO I DYED MY HAIR BLACK-PURPLE AND CUT OFF THE SIDES OF MY HAIR WHICH MADE ME LOOK LIKE A HAD A TAIL SO THE KIDS CALLED ME NAMES AT THE BUS STOP, NAMES ON THE BUS, AND NAMES IN CLASSROOM. IT DIDN'T HELP THAT I WAS IN THE SPECIAL EDUCATION CLASS EITHER, I WAS A HYPER CHILD. LUCKILY I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH MOSTLY BLACK PEOPLE SOME OF WHICH MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL FOR A WHILE AND I WITH THEM. I FELT SLIGHTLY ACCEPTED. WE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES THOUGH AND SOME MORE IGNORANT KIDS DID NOT LIKE ME AND WOULD MAKE FUN OF ME, BEAT ME UP FOR BEING "WHITE".
SO, I GREW UP WITH TWO IMAGES OF OTHER CHILDREN THE ONES WHO BEAT ME UP AND THE ONES WHO WERE DIFFERENT. SO I WAS DIFFERENT AND EVERYONE WANTED TO BEAT ME UP IS WHAT I LATER DEDUCED AND I BECAME VERY, VERY DEFENSIVE. THE SMALLEST PEEP ANYONE MADE WOULD GET ME ANGRY AND I WOULD FIGHT FIGHT, FIGHT. EVENTUALLY, I FELL IN LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME BUT THE GUY WHO I LIKED DID NOT CARE THAT I WAS ALIVE AND HE WAS A SOCIAL CLIMBER.
I LATER GREW OUT OF PUNK AND INTO THE "NEW WAVE". WHATEVER THAT MEANT. I WAS 14, ALL I CARED ABOUT WAS THAT THESE GUYS WERE JUST AS DEPRESSED AS ME. THEY WERE DIFFERENT TOO. IN ROBERT SMITH'S BLACK HAIR I WITNESSED MY REBELLION, AND A LONGING TO SING ABOUT IT. I HAD ALWAYS BEEN IN CHORUS, BUT MY TEACHERS DID NOT LIKE ME, OR NOTICE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO MENTOR ME. THERE WAS ALWAYS ANOTHER MORE TALENTED GIRL, WHICH THEN FUELED MY ANGER TOWARDS PRETTY GIRLS. SO I STARTED HANGING OUT WITH MORE DANGEROUS TYPES. NO LONGER THE COOL AND COLLECTED INDIVIDUALS OF THE "NEW WAVE, BUT THE
RAUNCHY, ANGST-RIDDEN FIENDS OF HEAVY METAL. I IMMERSED MYSELF IN THE CULTURE AND STARTED WEARING ALL BLACK, DARK MAKE-UP, CURLING MY NOW VERY DAMAGED HAIR, BUT PROMPTING ME TO STAY OUT LATE WAS MY STEPFATHER'S CONSTANT DISAPPEARANCES AND ACTIVITIES TOWARD ME WHEN HE WAS AT HOME.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE I BECAME BEAUTIFUL AND I KNEW THIS NOW BECAUSE THINGS WERE DIFFERENT. I WOULD WALK DOWN THE STREET AND LO AND BEHOLD DIRTY MEN IN CARS WOULD HONK HONK HONK AWAY AT ME 'TIL THEIR HEARTS CONTENT. WELL, WELL, WELL, I WOULD DO THE HURTING NOW. AND I DID. SO MANY WONDERFUL YOUNG MEN DEALT WITH MY PAIN. I PUT THEM THROUGH HELL AND THEY ACCEPTED IT BECAUSE I WAS BEAUTIFUL, AND SMART. MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS BEAUTIFUL, I HAD HAD A MILLION DATES AND "BOYFRIENDS" WHICH LED MY STEPFATHER TO BOUTS OF INSANE JEALOUSY WHEN HE WAS AROUND. I NEVER HAD SEX OR SERIOUS PETTING HOWEVER I KISSED EVERY ONE OF THEM I SAW.
DAD WAS DOING WHAT THEY CALLED "FREE BASE" AT THE TIME WHICH IS NOW CALLED DOPE OR THE COOLER DRUG, "CRACK". HE WOULD GO INTO COMAS FROM HIS COCAINE HABIT AND WE'D JUST LOVE IT. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE WERE HAPPY WHEN HE WAS ASLEEP?! BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS AWAKE, IT HURT TO BE ALIVE. TO MAKE AN ALREADY LONG STORY SHORTER, I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE TWICE, RAN AWAY FROM HOME FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME AND GOT BEAT ALL THE WAY BACK HOME WHEN HE CAME FOR ME. WHEN YOU'RE 14 YOU'RE NOT AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. I DID IT BY DRUGGING MYSELF WITH PILLS.
WHAT WERE MY REASONS FOR DECIDING TO TRY TO KILL MYSELF THAT SAD DAY? WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY ADOLESCENT MIND THAT I COULD NOT "GET OVER"? WAS IT THE "YOU ARE SO STUPID" INSULTS BECAUSE HE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND MY DRAMATIC HUMOR? WAS IT THE BEATINGS BECAUSE HE COULD NOT CONTROL HIS ANGER AND ONLY KNEW EXTREME VIOLENCE AS A METHOD OF CONTROL OR RESOLUTION? DID I FEEL THE BEATINGS AND PAIN WOULD NEVER END? YES. WAS IT THE FACT THAT I FELT LIKE THE ONLY CHILD GOING TO SCHOOL WITH BRUISES AND LOOKED UGLY? WAS IT MY OWN SELFISHNESS FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO DO AS I PLEASED AT A TIME WHEN I THOUGHT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO? WAS IT THAT NOW THAT I WAS GROWING HE WAS LOOKING AT ME IN A SEXUAL WAY AND IT WAS MAKING ME SCARED AND ASHAMED OF MYSELF WITH GUILT FOR JUST BEING.. ALIVE?
WHEN I WAS IN TRACK AS WELL AS FIELD HOCKEY AND ATTENDED THE FOOTBALL GAMES AND MY DAD PICKED ME UP LATE FROM PRACTICE/GAMES AND HE WAS HIGH WAS I EMBARRASSED? DID HE COME TO ANY OF MY BAND/CHORUS PERFORMANCES? WAS HE THERE WHEN WE ALL HAD LICE? CONGRATULATE ME FOR BEING IN THE YEARBOOK COMMITTEE AND STUDENT COUNCIL? NO, AND SO I DROPPED ALL SCHOOL ACTIVITIES AND HUNG WITH THE "BAD" CROWD. DID HE ATTEND MY 8TH GRADE GRADUATION? DID HE ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE IN ANY OF OUR SPECIAL THINGS? I KNOW FOR A FACT I NEVER TOLD HIM OF ANY OUT OF FEAR OR DISAPPROVAL AND BECAUSE HE WAS ALWAYS HIGH.
I HAD ASKED POLITELY IF I COULD BRING HOMEWORK TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE AND THEY SAID YES AND WHEN I GOT THERE I JUST PASSED OUT AND THEY ASKED ME WHAT'S WRONG AND I MUMBLED SOMETHING ABOUT BEING LOST AND WANTING TO JUST END IT ALL. SO MY FRIEND WHO I'M SURE THOUGHT I WAS INSANE, CALLED THE AMBULANCE (NATURALLY) AND THEY TOOK ME TO THE HOSPITAL AND BEGGED ME NOT TO CLOSE MY EYES, MY STEPFATHER WAS NOT HOME WHEN THE DOCTOR CALLED AND THE KIDS WERE HOME ALONE, SO THEY WAITED TIL MY MOM GOT HOME FROM WORK AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION, BUT THEN SPOKE WITH ME AND ASKED ME IF I WOULD DO IT AGAIN AND I SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF IF I HAD TO GO BACK THERE I WOULD DEFINITELY DO IT AGAIN. I REMEMBER PLEADING WITH MY MOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER HUSBAND AND HER DAUGHTER.. IT’S EITHER ME OR HIM MOM. EITHER HE GOES OR I GO, SE CHOSE HIM AND SO I WENT.
