Rejection and the things you never get to say - April 2017
4/22/17
How do u have the ability to make me so angry and feel so happy and laugh as well? I hate that. I don't want to like you. Just as I knew from the beginning, you are dangerous to my well being.
The way that I can feel for you and how you can affect me is dangerous to me and seems unhealthy. I really need to let you go. I need to stop thinking about you. Maybe I'm just trying to fill some need I don't know I have and maybe you are too, but we obv can't meet it for one another!
Soon will be my thinning out of us and maybe even sooner if you keep this up. I can't say any of this to you rn because I'm not talking to you, but I need to express this because it is too raw and real and I'm an honest person who expresses themselves.
You are the only person atm that can make me feel this way and I hate that too. This stress of liking someone who you can't and shouldn't even like and who desires to stay in a weird relationship with someone else just can't be healthy. I always used to wonder how other people got into relationships with people who were unavailable - and here I am liking someone else myself. I need to figure out the answer now more than ever before.
Going by what I know: you are not at all as kind, generous, secure, spiritual, loyal or honest as my own loving bf was and I mostly believe you could never truly be attracted to me or even really be with me in the way that I would need (as he is with me) and yet, I have these feels. This is so confusing to me because I don't see what there is that I'm even attracted to despite myself.
I don't even have a relationship with you and I already feel this strongly (positively/negatively and in between) in our interactions, I can't even imagine how terrible things could be if we became more intimate or of what could ultimately happen to me seeking after or running after someone who is incapable of cleaning his own house, fixing his unhappy relationship and rn much less of living with me and loving someone like me/with my needs.
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Another argument tonight and another time another misunderstanding and another time I'm feeling bad about something you said. So I'm being f rude and you feel gross and left out. 2 times your mad at me in one day. I swear you can affect me in the worst way possible and I don't even understand why! Why do I even care what you think? Why do I feel I need to justify my actions to your weird out of left accusations?! What is this trigger that you keep pulling? I need to figure it out if only I could stop talking to you long enough to forget about you and focus on that reason...but I feel I don't want to stop talking to you and I can't for the life of me understand why.
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4/24/17
How the heck did I get to this place!? Why am I even thinking about this random person and not focused on rebuilding my own ailing relationship?! I want this peaceful and loyal life I have already built, don't I? Did I really miss the drama carousel and love/hate roller coaster that much while I was seeking after my peace and quiet? Isn't that stress how one even get sick in the first place? Why do I have these feelings for this person that I (really) barely even know?! What is it about this person that is keeping me drawn to them rn? What am I/we missing here in our relationship that this person is even giving me!?
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11:19a well, I'm "throwing all the crazy" out on here this phone note so I don't say stuff on skype or do something that I will regret. I dont hear from you on text now and it drives me nuts. I don't know why it kills me not to hear from you. Isn't this what we want? I guess this is how you feel when you really want to talk to someone and you feel that they don't want to talk to you. If this is how you say your gf makes you feel why would you want to do it to me? Why am I even feeling ANY of these things? Am I unhappy in my relationship?!
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What is this Trigger: How do I feel when I talk to this person and how does it relate in any way to some familiar early childhood comfort/sadness feeling with my dad/first loves? Judgement, criticism, guilt, feeling an impossibility of approval, feeling unworthy, love I have to work for, isn't unconditional, being objectified by him and his army buddies.
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4/27/17
Today I'm deciding it's best if I take control of my feelings and responsibility to myself and like really really try to stop talking to you for now. Ofc you don't understand that and think it's dumb, but now idc. I like you and I can't do anything at all w/ that feeling. I'm in a relationship already. It's unrequited feelings from you and you don't feel anything for me like that and I totally agree it's also best you don't, but talking to you and seeing you spending time w/ you just hurts me nonetheless r n, so I'm gonna try again to cut it off.
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4/28/17
I'm mad at you. you really arent Naga Chan. Today I feel like you are an ahole that doesn't deserve for me to like you or try to be w/ friends with you. Once again yesterday you repeatedly did what I asked you not to do and that was joke about me sexually - worse you did it in front of my friends who I am working at trying to change any ideas of /about me they may have and I had to once again ask you to stop more than repeatedly. You had your chance and last night showed how sorry you were and it's obv to me that you weren't sorry at all. You don't deserve any more of my time energy or caring. Thanks for continuing to make me so grateful for my loving and kind bf who would never do that shit to me or say anything such things in front of my friends or his.
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5/2/17
another dream about you last night. I noticed due to u saying I'm getting "weird now" I feel I can't really talk to u about anything that's meaningful to me. I feel I can't really be myself with you other than talk about WoW and I wonder why I continue to think about you. The way you act with me you have absolutely nothing I want or I need that I can see. Tonight you showed me you procrastinating, a guy who is mean and flippant/thoughtless with his words to me and prob others, grumpy, selfish, puts other ppl down in game, insecure/jealous, messy, and u don't care about me or ur future self. What is going on with this? Why do I even continue to play with u? For gear? For company? For what? I can't help you IRL and I have already stopped trying and you repeatedly said you don't want to ever see me/meet me. You said for me to just focus on my relationship. You said last night you don't think that I can play the game I love, you criticized me tonight and made me feel like I'm not good enough and you make fun of the fact that I'm new and I don't know a lot of things in game. Yet, u still fly me everywhere, helped/help me and Q for everything dungeon/raid related w/ and protected me in game. You gave me gear and do achievements with me. You said "don't be like the girl who calls you for 10 years and that u think I'm going down that road" - like as if her wanting to be with you is something gross. Why? But you're prob right. Wanting you IS what’s gross because you can't accept real love, only "love" you want (that your gf gives you) includes distance, excuses and you being alone, pining for their time because I guess that's what you're used to from your own parents. You are a jerk and I know I don't deserve to feel this way or be in this type of friendship.. I mean .. is this even really a friendship? How? --mby it's bad habit for me and prob boredom relief/ narcissistic supply for you since I always praise you when I'm with you and I'm a natural cheerleader. You aren't speaking to me like my friend and MY chosen friends don't treat each other or talk to one another the way u talk to me, but now it's a waste to even tell you shi about this today/it because ur a stubborn f who doesn't listen and doesn't want to change. Doesn't see any of his wrongs. It has been shown to me that subconsciously because I hate myself r meow and I don't want to live anymore, you aren't even interested in me enough to help me so am I really gonna get what I want with you? No. I'm not. Or isn't this just some random old abusive bullshit coming up that I still need to work thru to healing?!
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5/3/17
God, I wish I could just stop thinking about you and what you think. How do days go by and I'm still even thinking about you? Who cares if u think it's lame that I don't want to be friends anymore and I want to try to work on my relationship in a bubble. Just like getting over an addiction it will prob be the same here. This is so hard for me right now. I don't know why. I do know I really need a healthy replacement for you. It looks like being w/ my bf isn't isn't gonna be that replacement because we still don't even have our rebuilding. There is still something missing. So what the f do I even do now, DiabloOG#1504 I've deleted u from Skype friends and battlenet and yet I still can't stop thinking about you. :( you don't have my phone or address so I don't ever have to worry about meeting you anywhere IRL as long as I keep lost contact.
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5/4 -
Ugh. This morning and last night I really missed you. People are asking me what's wrong. How do I explain this?! There is no reason for this, it doesn't even make sense to me logically. I care about you so much and you are an undesirable mate and even not that great of a friend. I don't feel I would want to be in a relationship with you and yet here I am. Obsessing still.... it's day 2 of not talking and ur totes ignoring me (not even trying to talk to me) it really sucks, it isn't easy, but I know it WILL be soon because it always has been just a matter of time for me to get over ones.
Even tho I used to stay for FAR TOO LONG, I leave them eventually and I learned a lesson and I got over ALL of them, eventually. Even tho I might have thought I never could. This will be no different. Just takes time AND no contact.
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5/5/17
Well "gm naga Chan"! Is what I would be saying rn if I was talking to you (which I'm not going to since I've made it so that I'm not really allowed to talk to u anymore by the telling the bf everything that I did and mean things you say to me and how I still like and miss you / cant stop contacting you.) I really missed you this am. Had dreams about you, but also its my first night not dreaming about only you, (as I have been for 2 weeks) so I'm already making some progress.
Now if I could just meet some cool people in WoW who play on my time frame, would be really really nice. I'll be able to stop messaging you so much. Last night I wanted to play with you so badly that I almost added u back on bnet and the bf said no. :( it's hard rn but I just need to work harder at remembering all that I have done and built w/ the bf. I have to transfer my feelings of fun and desire; to his worthy vessel. To try to have with him in WoW instead of focusing on my fun memories w/ someone else. To try to do RL things with him instead of spending time online.
----------3:27p- I hope to see a msg from you, but ofc none comes. :( I am still thinking of you today tho I'm slightly more confident I prob am doing the right thing. I'm slightly insulted though that I'm not even missed by you!! It is still hard on me to just let go and I wish it wasn't. I feel depressed about all that has gone down. When I fought the bf today and told him I want to talk to you again R MEOW, bf said it's all on me then this time. He doesn't want to control me & means I make my own choices and reap the consequence of talking to you and feeling bad/sad again. He said if I get hurt again by talking to you, (which eventually I will because that's the exact reason I keep stopping talking to you and running away from you), then do not come crying to him again begging him to keep me away from you. He said he does not know what to do seeing me so sad that we are not talking to each other. So says if I absolutely must play with you or talk to you then I should just type to you in bnet for now. Not skype call with you til I know it will be safe for me.
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5/6/17
12pm- In my moment of weakness I friended you back on game last night, but yet you are still not contacting me! Wtf? That's some "respect" you must have for me or you really just didn't care at all about me like you said you did. Prob the latter, even tho I'm always tempted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Why is that even? I didn't have every single dream be about you last night. That was hope inducing; refreshing. In fact, only a small few were. More progress I guess. I have to stay strong today and try not to contact you. Obv I woke up and I'm writing in here so obv I'm already thinking of you, but soon that will pass too, when I get busier and as I spend more of my time with others.
I'm sure you are already doing the same thing. I still look at your name, hear your voice in my head, reread our past conversations, and I know that you prob don't think of me at all. It makes me sad to think that. I write in here to let all the "crazy" things out that I can't say to you. Feelings for you that you don't care to know about, angry feelings obv r n, things I'd say you that would never accept as the truth. Loving feelings that you would just call "weird" or nonsense or lies. And really things about you at the moment I feel that I don't want to/can't just hold in but can't actually message you and say.
And angry words I can't even say to you anymore because you don't even want to talk to me. Why couldn't we just be friends and u be nice to me ALL of the time instead of some of the time? You can't accept my kindness & caring and mby it threatens and secretly makes you want to run away/ to fight/or argue things up. Who knows why? But I can't think about that. I need to focus on myself which is so much harder for me. What do I need rn? I need love, safety, companionship, intimacy, respect and communication. I have most all those things right here with my bf. And what do I really want? I want to end it all. I want to be out of this body. To eat food I love. To run away from this body. To dance and sing! To be in a new body! To be free from this hell inside me. I feel like i want to find someone to take my life. Someone with guns. Someone with an unstable mental state. Someone willing to kill me.
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5/8/17
Two days in of talking to you again. :/ and twice deflecting a possible trigger situation. I just read an article that sadly confirms you aren't that "into" me which is why you rejected me and said u wanted to "just be friends" and for me to "focus on my relationship". It wasn't REALLY any of the reasons u stated at all. The real reason is because u weren't interested, I'm not attractive to you and you don't like me like in that way AT ALL! So the question remains why am I STILL talking to you then? I do want to be friends. Is it because I don't like you or have any feelings for you? You get something out of this friendship with me, and I want to know exactly what it is.
Companionship when ur real girlfriend is MIA, another female gamer friend, what? I'm gonna ask you on Skype, if I can.
I mean really WHAT am I GETTING then out of this friendship? What need does this really fulfill for me? Game nethershards farm partner, gaming gear that we can score together, BS, BI, Pandaland travel access? Looks like not much for feeling bad about the things you say to me...is that really ok with me and if so, WHY THE f IS THAT OK with me?!
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5/12/17
So we're talking again and have successfully gone so far 3 days with no misunderstanding/argument/no fighting, no mean words from you nor hurt feelings. Omg this is so awesome. It is so nice and amazing and wonderful with you when it's like this! Can we make it to 4 days? Are we due for one? I noticed it seems though that maybe now you don't want to talk to me on the phone. I wonder why when you said that you still did?
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5/13/17
Well, u told me why you don't want to talk on the phone and we got into another argument. So I guess we were due for one! (sadface) You laid into me about how I'm acting like a "weirdo" (aka like I'm liking you!?) "being so weird" not just acting like we're "friends". Your version of friends includes only "playing wow and talking about a topic". Um, that's just an acquaintance to me. Your version of friends doesn't reach out, ask for help or have differing needs discussed, talk about things that are important to them too, nor talk to someone when you are feeling down unless/until they are "available".
You said your friends don't blow up ur texts when u tell them you are busy, and that you don't message them when they don't respond to you either or tell you they are busy. You "find something else to do when someone doesn't want to talk to you." I'm sorry! I don't have other people that don't want to talk to me so I wouldn't know what the fuck to do! If it's boundaries, I don't really have those rn. I'm needy and sad right now and I need my friends. I thought that was also you. That's convenient tho, not caring about anyone but yourself like that. I guess I'm not you. But today I decided I'm gonna try not to talk to you as much even while we are still staying "friends" on bnet and skype and not removing you.
You're always calling me weirdo whenever I say anything at all about anything, so I'm gonna try to slowly ween myself off this shii show like I did with cigarettes. I might be successful, I might not. I'm still gonna try.
From that comment you made alone I see you are not really even interested in being a real friend, you just want an convenient acquaintance that's there if you are too. That's what I mby wanted too in the very beginning, but we can't even have that low level shit because truthfully you are kinda fucking weird about it all/all this yourself. So much better for me to find someone else. I guess you have already, since you obv don't talk to me anymore.
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5/14/17
I am starting my no contact week by going offline signing off of my Skype more often, since it's not like I need to even be on Skype anymore to get any messages from you (none come), you don't call me anymore nor want to, and you already showed me u don't really care if u even hear from me at all so I don't need to stay logged in like an idiot hoping to see a msg from u or to talk. Doing that is a waste of my energy, time and space. I was nothing / no one to you and now you will become that to me. Exactly what u say you want. If I'm a convenience; that grew inconvenient then I will do my best to stay focused on other shit I don't care about anymore either.
---------9:54pm
Yeah it stinks that I really want to talk to you rn, but nope I'm not messaging you. I'm in here instead cuz you will just ignore me or tell me to leave you alone. After the other things u said, I'm assuming you are "busy". Since when it comes to texting me and talking to me you always are now. The decision app said not to talk to you at all today, so I'm trying that.
I'm prob gonna log into WoW and see if I can get in guild raid/raid info or just will farm shards alone tonight. I will probably look for your name like 9 times while I'm in the game, see you on and still try not to message you. As of now, until I get my own flying -- doing WQs and such will obvi be out of the question since I don't talk to you anymore or have to wait to do them, unless it's one really near to a flight point.
It's fine. I will be your acquaintance dude, and one that doesn't really give a f about you just like you want. Even tho I suck at being that way. I will spend my time/focus and give my good energy to people who do care about me and I can talk to...You fucking weirdo. Your loss. God, this all makes me so angry, that I'm partially not even myself anymore. Who am I?
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5/15/17
Texted and responded to you today a few times. Very random answers that didn't mean anything to me and doesn't to you either. You were like "idk what ur talking about" Well, ofc not. Cuz I'm not REALLY talking to you about anything anymore. This is the kind of relationship you like and wanted to have with me; topics and WoW talk/play fake friend and a random meaningless fucking Skype message. Theres a topic comment. Nothing personal. Well, here ya go.
It is lame to be like this imo, but is good for me for now til I'm strong enough just drop u permanently (when I don't care anymore cuz you def ripped all the caring out from me I feel like) from my list since by then I will truly be able to say in a few weeks "well, we weren't that close and we don't talk, we don't see each other, we dont play together anymore and I prob don't need them on my list" lol. You did that. This was not my choice. All I wanted was to be friends and still be close to one another and be there for one another. Not sexual or emotional like we were since we both felt it was a mistake at the time, but still always close.
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5/16/17
How rude and immature you were w/ me tonight! and I swear what a d-ck you are sometimes! Last night u said ur quitting the game. You said you don't think I'm "good at all and I'm so trash" so how fair is it that I can I go from 0 NH exp into a guild that is running heroic NHs? You said "vagina and that I'm a girl" is the only reason i can, in your opinion. "If I don't get sat after my first raid ur done w/ this bullshit game..." Then u saw they are 3/10 NH bosses so you said "oh they suck anyway, highest ilvl is 904, they are scrubs, their “chicks” prob aren't even geared for Heroics etc." So I can only imagine when/if I hear from you again you're gonna prob be nasty and prob say some stupid shii to me also about my kind Proverbs text i sent to you; instead of learning something that will really help you find a good mate. I'm not even trying to go there w/ you to hear you shit talk me and you don't really want to be around me anyway, so I'm signing off Skype for today too.
Also, I'm not the only reason you said u are quitting game so I'm not taking it personally (just like anything else you say/do which you quickly tell me to not get "weird" about.) Legit if u do quit, which the bf totes doubts, it might actually help me not to contact you or think about you anymore - so low key I kinda support u quitting in that 1 sense.
I'm not gonna talk you out of it as I would a close friend that I wouldn't want to leave me; since WoW is our only connection that you've left open now. You painfully said "idk my carry days with you are over" and that u will not carry me anymore and that I have to learn things on my own now because I told you that I was gonna try to raid. This made me so so sad. Like why aren't you just happy for me instead? I mentioned to you why wouldn't I still ask you questions or to others "older and wiser" in game? Why struggle to learn something alone taking lots of extra time when I can ask someone who already knows what they’re doing and has the experience that can help me? And u fucking logged off game and bnet on me last saying "that's why this game is trash". Then after saying the game was trash you literally fucking just left me there and once again logged off; with no goodbye no nothing! F you, man!
Ftr, Um no, asking for knowledge is ppl management and it's also useful in delegation. It's actually very true IRL to be successful at any project as well as in a results game to get expert advice in matters you don't yet understand or seek help in areas that one is not strong in. Just because your misogynistic stubborn self didn't do that with others, doesn't mean it's "wrong" for everyone.
Slowly but surely as I keep reviewing Proverbs and watching my bfs actions, I'm prob gonna come to not like you at all. Then I will be stronger in cutting you off like I prob should have from the very beginning.
Lots of f buckets of tears I've cried already over your random false accusations, your put-downs of me, mouth in disgust mocking others, disrespectful sexual jokes about me over these weeks, and the rejections at every opportunity of true intimacy and real friendship we could have/ had.
I would have prob been saved from all that the very first night I just removed you, and if I didn't ever add you back. I blame only myself for that. Live and learn.
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5/17/17
For the first time (in ever since I met u) last night I legit just told you to "f off" when u tried to apologize for being a d-ck yet again, and getting mad at me, yet again. I can't believe I even said it, but I had literally just had it. I'm so hurt that after last night you were again dropping group with me again and fucking giving me shit again about that i'm not ever paying attention. I'm the queen of some lame not paying attention shii, and I am bad at yada yada yada, and I'm in denial. Then yelling and telling me not to ever message you anymore because I tried to defend myself and I expressed anger about what you said.
6 hours later, (only after remembering Jesus and the way I've treated Him who also forgives me), I still forgave you, but if I'm not gonna try to group up with u for anything or actively seek out to talk to you and I'm sure u won't with me either cuz since I'm just a PUG person to you - I'll act like it then. I'm not gonna ask you for shii in our game. I'm not even gonna message you if I can help it at all. If you msg me I will respond but I'm sure from the stuff u say/said, u feel the same way about me... you don't even like playing with me. Hurts, again.
In other news I wanted to tell you that a few things I have learned today are my DPS is indeed lower than the optimal sims for Havoc, my ilvl is still too low for good raiding and I do need to work harder to get toward my goal. There are people who would rather try to help me with those issues than make fun of me or put me down for my inability. The issue of gear is 2 fold: this gear now is soon-to-be obsolete and that gear that I'm trying to get and when ToS comes out, it wont matter either. So what am I doing it for? 2) Do I really want to unlock flying by doing all a ton of quests in the same zone day after day? Cuz that isn't my idea of fun at all Naga Chan and I'm playing a game to have fun. Yeah I'm cursing, I'm still mad at you most obv.
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5/17 /17
11pm-Thinking about you rn and Grrrr ur a c—cks-cker imo. I'm so so mad at you; mostly for just not caring and who u pretended to be when we were first talking. You were so fake. Why were you so fake?!
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5/18/17 -- 5am
I want to message you right now, but I realize why that would be a total mistake; you legit don't give 2 f about me; so nah. I chatted in trade instead. It looks like since u didn't and don't message me tonight either you feel the exact same way about me.
Proud af that I haven't given in in my weakness tonight. You're such a d-ck to me that the more I read about the Proverbs man the less attracted to you I am sure the less I want to talk to / be friends /acquaintances anything with someone as mean, distant, and uncaring as you.
-5pm
A less personal way to look at it is: you’re actually just not into me, don't like me as a person, realized we are totally incompatible as people (even though we were compatible before but that was prob another of ur lies) and you simply don't care enough to do anything with me. The only slightly less personal way for me to take all this pain & hurt is: really!? who the fuck are you? I'm worth so much in so many ways to so many people. I am a very unique and special person and anyone who meets me can recognize that. I have zero need to focus on the 1 person I don't matter to. You. I can't make you see how awesome, sweet, smart, kind, beautiful, spiritual, moral, fun I am if you don't see it. Due to these circumstances I'm even becoming someone I have not been in a very long time. All you had to do was talk to me and be nice to me. Dear God, instead I'm hangry and baring teeth and all, in here, secretly so I say nothing at all - to you ever again.
You choose to see only that my behavior was irritating, clingy, I didn't pay attention in a game (because I'm on meds that give me ADD), and that I was "weird" because I liked you and because I acted like it. It is your loss, not mine. Your fears, not mine. Your issues w/ intimacy, not mine. Who the hell gets angry at someone for liking them and wanting to be with them or talk to them?! Weirdos that's who. While ur at home admittedly by your own words "dying over there”, overwhelmed by ur own mess and procrastination, gaming and fapping it up, conspiracy theories and reading your news articles, you are staying in a relationship where you are much neglected and ignored; and I hurt for you. I did.
Even tho I'm doing some of the same things, I still can see I have many many people who care about me; sick or not, hot or not, who want me around and they text me back and they want to spend time with me. No one ignores me, except you. I've just had my sole focus on you for a month, which is the WRONG place for it to have ever been.
They love me and want me even at my very worst and are still kinder than you have been to me! Even when I'm voiceless, hairless, penniless, in a fucking bad mood, not paying attention, lose my stuff randomly, clingy/needy, rude, etc. They still accept me and are kind to me. Not for 2 months, they have been that way with me for YEARS. They don't consider my time with them a waste, or hellishly "annoying" these many people have loved me for YEARS.
Because contrary to what I may feel or some childhood belief resurfaced from your terrible worlds and rejection, I AM lovable and I deserve to be treated as such by my friends. I deserve to be friends with someone who texts me back. I deserve to be treated with respect (in a game or out) regardless of my playing ability/level/talent. I deserve to be spoken to with caring and kindness as I am caring and kind. I deserve a goodbye if someone is leaving me. I deserve to be friends with someone who desires and wants to talk to me. I can't wait til the time there will be no more checking my Skype for messages from you. No more looking for your name in my game when I play. You don't deserve another second of my (in pretty short supply in your opinion) precious attention and focus.
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5/20/17
Well, I'm doing good so far. Only 3 times yesterday that I really wanted to contact you, but I still didn't. I had my show and I realized onstage how appreciated I am and how many people think I am really amazing and still attractive. Why the hell would I want to even impress you or care if u didn't like something I did in game? So what? You are /have been disrespectful and neglectful to me and therefore mean nothing in the context of “friendship”.
There really is no friendship now huh? Now I just need to get over the lie of who/how you pretended to be with me. That's what's really been hardest on me today I think. It's remembering how we were, the things we felt, how we were close, what we talked about, and shared; which to me were meaningful and special and most obviously they weren't to you. They were just a pass time, and I was another PUG chick u met in a game that once you saw, you weren't attracted to. That is harder to get over, but I know I still will. I prob just need even more time. You ignoring me as you have been is perfect for keeping me away and letting the message continue to get through to me that you are a total jerk to me by treating me this way.
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-8pm
I realized tonight that I am actually saying a lot of things because I'm angry with you and ironically it's because I realized that I loved you and so as I fell I opened up to you and shared things with you that were special to me. My time, my time, my time, my emotions, my fun, my vulnerability, and ALL of my attention (even when I was with others) for a time. You were my newest best friend. You penetrated my inner circle though I didn't even know you for very long and you weren't even trying to. That's it. That's really what it is that hurts.
All this anger is covering sadness and grief. It's remembering what we shared; which to me were meaningful and special and I guess they just weren't to you. It's losing someone I though was my best friend. Someone I secretly thought I was going to be close to forever. Finding out I was just a pass time, and I was another PUG that once you saw/got to know, you decided you didn't like. Now you are getting mad at me and ignoring me every day for 5 days as if none of it mattered and I feel as if I don't /didn't matter to you. Its really that that hurts a lot. I know you know exactly what it feels like as you have this feeling from your own gf.
Even though we weren't going to be intimate again so both could stay focused on God, I thought that we could still be as close as we were in the beginning of April. I thought this because before I had sent u the long note of not talking and trying to focus in my old relationship, YOU had SAID THAT you still wanted to have that closeness w/ me also (but without any of dirty type of talk that got us into trouble the first time).
When I added you back to BNet/Skype from missing you too intensely, I too I thought we could still care about each other and be that close again but then idk I guess you suddenly didn't want that anymore and started calling me a weirdo for still wanting to do and be the same way/ do the things you had said you wanted to also. Play together, watch some shows together, read the Word, share recaps of our day etc. Our friendship (to me) was to be more than playing WoW and talking about topics, like my other friendships where I'm emotionally involved and vice versa.
Another part that hurts me the most is I feel we don't have any real closure for the ending of our time we spent or our short relationship together. Even friendship is still a relationship to me, and it seemed like in the end you didn't even want to be friends and the loss of a friend is still a heavy loss for someone like me.
I realized tonight too that I'm actually legit going through the various stages of grief. Though it might have all meant nothing to you, it was (and you still are) very, very special to me. I know you don't want to be and I guess that disgusts you and I'm sorry for that. Ftr, that actually makes YOU a weirdo. Also, in considering your perspective I'm sorry that I might have hurt you or in any way made you feel pissed when I removed you from friends last time.
I'm sorry you felt I don't pay attention to you or anything else when I'm playing he game with you (even tho I am and I liked playing wow together) and I'm sorry for sending you messages expressing myself and when I was being a needy friend about /during my breakup thinking you'd just message me back later, but you instead saw it as a constant poke as harassment source. If I saw it as you did, I see how it would be annoying even tho it wasn't intended like that at all. I'm sorry too you prob felt atm that I was not considering your space that night.
I'm missing you but I'm also in the moving anger stage and I think I'm now moving slowly into bargaining/guilt and sadness. I want to learn from all this though. I don't want to to repeat negative behaviors I have done with you if/when I open my heart again to someone else in this game.
I hope you can forgive me some day. I’m forgiving myself and moving forward.
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5/22/17
Wow it's been 10 days and another night I don't hear from you. I guess it's really the end of it all for you. It just makes me really sad now instead of angry since I've come to validate my hurt feelings over the last 2 days. I'd like to soon not take it personal that u don't play with me anymore but it's prob better for me not to think about it or you at all right now. I guess I just pissed you off without ever even trying to...
There are a lot of new ppl that do want to play with me so I'm just gonna focus on them. Stop using Skype and eventually get over you. I will still miss you, goodbye, my would-be best friend.
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5/23/17
Tonight I missed you only once and I looked at your name and thought of inviting you to a mythic+8 and a heroic NH run but then I remembered what you said/think about me in game and not paying attention and saying that I make you mad and everyone else when u play with me, a few days later to deliver not to contact you I had added a side note to your name reminding me that you hate playing with me, so when saw it, then I decided against inviting you or messaging you about it (not that I even think you would have even accepted or messaged me back) tho it would have been perfect for you and us. That was possible in another universe, another time, (a short month ago) I guess.
So I asked everyone I knew on my list, except you. It was so and weird to do because you were the first person and the only person that I actually wanted to ask and do it with. But, I just didn't want to possibly mess up (because I'm not perfect) and I don't want to have you give me shii making any mistakes or worse get mad at me and then drop/leave our grp (I have abandonment issues) or me message you trying to talk to you and just be a bother like it seems I am to you now.
Today in Skype chat w/ the guys you said "Gratz" and that you "play every day" and that was all you said or prob have to say to me these days. I said "ty" and kept on truckin as I'm sure from that statement a conversation w/ me wasn't what you were looking for. Some think I should wait longer to talk to you and that you need space and may come around and we be close friends again some day. I don't believe that at all. I believe that once someone is gone or leaves me (esp angry), they are gone forever. It makes me sad but it's typical of people, mostly of men in my life.
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5/24/17
It feels like a month since we've been anywhere near normal. I'm still thinking about you, but not contacting you anymore and working hard at not even thinking of playing w/ you.
I keep remembering what you said about me /reminding myself that you don't want to play with me nor like to play w/ me anyway and it hurts me so much, but def makes it easier to give up on messaging u in the game or inviting u to run/do something with me. You don't msg me or talk to me anymore either so.. there's that I guess. This is the new normal you wanted I guess. I know you prob know what this rejection feels like too as you and ur gf have stopped playing together.
I assume now you have found yourself some other PUG girl cheerleader who plays well and spends time listening/ doing things with you.
You are gone. It hurts so much still but I'm starting very very slowly to just accept it. I'm still tempted to try to contact you but I'm not going to ...I'm doing my very best even tho I want nothing more than to be around you, to talk to you, and to still play with you.
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5/25/17
Oddly enough you messaged me tonight. What the hell? Why? I was SUPER surprised. We had a very short convo. We shared 4 sentences. I wonder why...mby I was imagining it or was a dream...?
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5/26/17
We actually had a longer bnet chat tonight. So weird. It seemed so nice at first, and like we were in a similar depressed place sharing mutual experiences, but no. You didn't want to know mine, you only wanted to tell anyone of yours. I wondered why you were messaging me, after 10 days of not talking to me, of ignoring me in game and out, of not inviting me to grp up or play with me... I was light and careful to only respond to your questions/
statements; not to message you as if we were actively conversing. Sadly, it was when I asked you 2 questions I learned the truth that you don't want me to talk also, you just want to be heard speak.
statements; not to message you as if we were actively conversing. Sadly, it was when I asked you 2 questions I learned the truth that you don't want me to talk also, you just want to be heard speak.
I tried talking with you, comforting you with mutuality, cheering you up, just talking about random other stuff.. But.. you still fucking are capable of making me feel like shit with a few words. You were saying how you are doing nothing with anyone and not talking to anyone. You also were not talking to me for 10 days so I wondered and asked about it - "Wait! Why are you messaging me right now?" I asked innocently. "Oh just to talk to someone about anything and concepts most don't understand, than to sit here and do nothing." So...wow. not because you care or because you think I'm a good friend or because you miss talking to me at all -- but because talking to me is "better than doing "nothing." Wow?! What a d-ck!
Really? I really do mean so little to you?! The difference is that now it's been long enough that now I'm just like "Oh well, f it - you are never going to see how great I am or what kind of friendship you are missing out on" and I said so. You chose to cling to/spend money on/stay thirsty on some other stupid shi. Instead of the real thing, in friendship which you found, shunned and then say is nonsense, weirdo, and to be all nonsense lies.
For all the many life and conspiracy theories you claim to know and have you seem to be crippled at best about decency in communication, what real friendship is, and accepting true intimacy; sharing mutual vulnerabilities; in those very important areas, you're clueless.
It's not my problem that you're blinded and choose to stay that way. I offered so many times to study the life changing Proverbs book with you so that you actually can find someone that has the good/godly qualities you and every person deserves, but you have shunned it too. You don't want real caring. I'm not gonna let my good heart be the one you step on/ clumsily learning the lessons about the truth either; even tho I said to someone that I would do that for you because I really love you and like it or not you are /became a best friend.
I immediately said gnite to you instead right after that answer for self protection because I realized "here I am, and wtf? I'm here giving you my time trying to listen, to console you, and just overall help in any haphazard way and there you are - basically like "oh nah I still dgaf about you" "I'm just looking for talking about anything with anyone who was available at 5 am" and for my time after not talking for 10 days you said "I wanted to talk about concepts, but you gave me this shii instead". My time feelings and talk is shii to you. Go on then. You do that.
I have time for people who appreciate me for me. There are many ppl that seek me out FOR ME and for everything I am and what ONLY I can offer. I don't need to spend time on you, as just anyone will do. You once said "I'm not a cuck or a fill in for you, Eve", well neither am I. You don't seek me. You seek anyone and you seek them as just for now, exactly to be a fill in ... good luck with that. I still wish you happiness. I thought I deserved that with you too.
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5/26/17
In 4 days it is almost 2 months since we actively started talking/Skyping. We didn't talk yesterday at all once again. I assumed we aren't talking or prob ever going to talk the way we used to. That time is gone and dead. This is all such a let down in a sad disappointing way. But taking accountability always, the disappointment is still all mine. Expectations are always a let down.
I have allowed pain to accompany joy, and that only as long as I allow you in. I have and I do allow you in. I don't really know why I guess cuz its love. I have called you to see how you are doin and if you are ok today, aaanndd you ignored my call. I am getting over who I thought we were in April and and how we were close, to how we are and looking at how things are between us meow. This is the new normal you want. I am increasingly glad I have found other ppl in game I can play with now to think less about missing doing stuff with you, (since you don't play with me anymore) and I've the lesson to not make the same mistake I made with you, and to hopefully never again let anyone else (buncha horny trolls) in. Rude NPCs.
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5/28/18
You did /cheer when I said on Skype that I was glad you were feeling better and that I wouldn't bother you at Herpas and would leave you alone. Then no message from you the rest of the night. Great adult way to say not to talk to you anymore. What is really wrong with you?! First, you state that I wouldn't care if I never hear from you again and then I do try to contact you ever slightly to see if you're OK and you reject me. I don't need this kind of stress/bs back n forth in my life. I feel like all you do is constantly reject me. Then you throw me a random friendly bone, just to then reject me again. Why do you want me to be you? Do you really want to be how your gf is to you to someone else so badly? Why me? I'm a pretty nice person and I haven't done anything to purposely hurt you in any way.
I also see though like this shows me a deeper issue that I need to do work on. The fact that I stay vulnerable in this one area w/ you means it is unfinished business for me which I need to go back to God for helping me to work on removing.
Why do I feel triggered by your rejections?
Why does it trigger me when you ignore me or don't text me for days? If thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to actions, then what am I thinking when you are ignoring me?
Is my behavior in it rational or irrational?
Who has made me feel rejected or not good enough like this in my past?
Who /where have I learned this behavior from? When? How?
What is the underlying early childhood belief that causes me to feel unworthy or bad in these random interactions with you in my present?
Are these beliefs actually rationally true for me today, if so, why/why not?
What advice would I give to the inner child in me who deals with this situation as well? How does she need support?
What advice would I give someone else that I cared for who was experiencing this same treatment/situation?
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5/31/17
I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt that you invited me to a group in game under a different name than the one u usually play on and suddenly we were in SW. Something happened I don't even know what it was and in the dream you dropped me from group once again. Sad. I went back to sleep depressed after I thought to myself I prob won't hear from you again today either...what's the point in waking up? My friend is still gone.
Today as I was on errands and I thought of you once again (all day popping it in and out, sadly) I wondered.. I don't even know what I showed you or shared w/ you in my blog that made you think not only do I not like her, but I don't even want to be anywhere near her or share in her life. To now... which is obv I hate playing with her, i don't want to hear from her anymore and I don't want to have anything to do with her.
While you likely sit there at home in game and with your friends wondering, wishing, hoping to hear from, get back with your ex and thinking of her; I am here, still, thinking of you. I for the life of me don't even understand why I am still thinking of someone who thinks so little of me! It makes no logical sense for me to have any feelings for someone I barely knew for even 2, am I gonna let it be...3 months.
To still think of them at all? To sit here and wonder why they left me without a word and then walked away from me not ever caring to hear from me again... no messages suddenly and not an I miss you, nothing. Stopped playing with me completely and you just stopped messaging me. Why do I continue to feel hurt from this even after expressing at this - what is there to still wonder about?! I mean why can't I stop this train? What the hell is really wrong with me?
2 months ago we had pics together in SW on our mounts as STRANGERS mostly and I didn't have a like for you or a care in the world if I ever spoke to you again, 60 days later; a day can be/are ruined by not hearing from you at all.
Being ignored is so painful. I've done much better at not contacting you (10 days) and instead of cheering me when you randomly messaged because you were bored, you said that I "wouldn't care if I ever spoke to you again or u never came back" to the game. What would even make you say that? You're such a idiot. Obviously the entire time we haven't been talking I have wanted desperately to. One need only read this with slight emo intelligence to see that. Obviously a person having imaginary conversations w/ you while you ignore them and are not talking to you, and they get mad because they hope to hear from you is most CLEARLY still them missing and thinking of you. :/
You wouldn't be able to see that truth tho, if it bit you on the a$$ and choked you and called you Abraham.
I don't know why I thought that we would be friends 10 years from now or even 20 years from now?! I guess I was really delusional. I mean I obv was tricked because I even thought we had shared something deep and special. I was clearly wrong as all that meant nothing.
Now day after day of this month has gone by and every day I try to forget you, our friendship and to move on quickly as you have done so so easily. It took you 3 days to answer me back to say a 1/4 word "Thx." So so so clear that you don't want to have anything to do with me. Yet why is the why/ why is it all still such a mystery to me?
I sit driving wondering why this has to all be so hard with you -on top of my breakup it's all so .. messed up. All together losing 2 close friends at the same time almost is devastating. How were we RL friends talking about our lives, our relationships, sharing so many laughs and loving God and then not even there for one another during a hard time for anyone, even if friendship which is still like a breakup! It all makes no sense to me.
Idk.. i just .its soo stupid but i still miss you. One day I hope I wont.
(do these silent thoughts directly correlate with my previous 2 posts/per date? I wonder...)
