12/15/07
It is year end. Christmas time and holiday time to spend with friends and family (whether we want to or not! :P) . I am thinking of all my friends and family and colleagues and the year passing and decided to write this.
Looking back on 2007, what a crazy year it has been for me. Full of sadness and joys and love and hate. A lot of anger and disappointment but I am not here to focus on anger and disappointment. I am here to try to focus on what I learned and accomplishments mostly. Let’s see what happened this year?
Ending Nov. 2006 I had my back accident. I met Chris as a real person, not Brandon's friend. I had just gotten over my breakup with Brandon (which at the time I thought was a minus and now see as such a plus!)
November and whisking into December I was having problems moving, walking and sleeping. Rob Terhune and his wife Ammeria helped me through my trying back times. I was seeing a chiropractor named Dr. Alejandro one of Norma’s college dorm mates. Flew to CA in a wheelchair and was generously picked up at the airport by Chris and moved into his room. He tried to repeat what Rob/Ammeria had done for me in NY, but smoked weed, abused me and lied to me as many time as possible instead.
November/Dec – I learned what true friendship and relationships should be like. I learned that there are still good people out in the world and that I am very lucky to have known them.
January 1st I spent with Chris and Rick in a bar in Venice, CA with a back brace on, watching every one else dance on the dance floor and wriggling moves in my chair which I paid for in pain on Jan 2nd. L January was also a time of getting together with Chris more seriously yet with fear and past histories to stop me simultaneously. - I learned that someday someone will do nice things for me all the time and it will be the greatest feeling ever. (Chris had picked a rose for me while I was in the car waiting for him.) I began yoga. I learned my previous way of life affected my health and stamina and that I need to learn to relax and take it easy in between.
February was spent abused thinking Chris was going to leave me for some girl at work. Chris in February 27-March 2, emotionally cheated on me and it was going on for some time prior. He had a coworker over on the March 1stth for dinner and lied to me. Way to start the month. I literally beat the shit out of him, he is 6’4, 295 lbs and I beat him up, without any thought of retribution or care, which I have never done since Herm, in 15 years as a woman I lost want and all control of myself on that day. I started to realize my goal of being a pop star was never going to fulfill my gaping emotional needs, that I didn’t really want it anymore, and I gave it up and turned down my pending record deal. I was still searching for my truth in life.
March was spent getting over the true fact that Chris emotionally cheated on me with his coworker by flirting with her online, and really looking at us, our relationship and my part in it and my distrust for men in general cuz of my Dad & male family members. I was feeling suicidal but I really started taking a little peek into my choices in men. The trust went way down for me with Chris. I checked every website, every message, every IM, every phone call, I just could not trust him afterward. For my birthday he gave me a wonderful gift. The most wonderful I have ever received. He home cooked me a lobster dinner with dessert and created by hand a card of love for me.
April, what was going on in April? I was contemplating moving out of Brandon’s (not back to Chris’s) where? I had no idea. I was still working and trying to make sense of my life again after our break up in March.
May, I began looking into other back treatments that cost more but would really alleviate my severe pain and help me to walk again. I began looking at my health, and my issues and working on myself. I learned that I had only participated in Abusive relationships – I had never been attracted to any other men. I started remembering my past. I looked into domestic abuse and ended my lease with abusive Brandon and was free to move out. I had no where to go. I moved in next door to Chris and opted for my own room this time. Living by the beach, the air was good for me, ah the walking was good, walking from house to the beach was better. Chris and our issues were not. He was still abusive. We were broken up and yet still enmeshed. Chris began attending therapy.
June, I learned what “enmeshed” meant. I went to my first meeting of CoDA and ACA and I began to see a therapist as well. I began learning about my own beliefs about myself which led to my relationships with people. I began to keep an eye on my health. I started looking back into my past to find out why my present was what it was.
July I started really looking at my parents, their behaviors and their relationships and getting angry. Chris and I became more abusive toward one another. I started writing mean letters of my true feelings to my parents and speaking with my therapist about anger management and my past. I started to realize I don’t “need” someone. I started to realize Chris’s addiction was reminding me of my Dad and that was the comfort attraction to him initially and it was unhealthy. I started to realize my mom saw herself as a victim of everything, which led me to want to be a rescuer type for my own men. My grandmother died. I lost my job at the end of the month and was going no where for a time with therapy. This was very hard for me. I learned to look at my strengths and use whatever resources I have to try to succeed. I began to use my past music career as a stepping stone to finding something that really was right for me. I learned my family is dysfunctional but there is a way I can relate to them that is kind to them but safe for me. I realized no matter what, Chris was a true friend at that time.
August, my work finished, I spent last checks and I began to get more and more away from Chris and be ok with it. I began talking to my inner child. I began to look for other things I enjoyed. I didn’t think Chris would ever change and not be abusive so I continued away from him, broken up with, and not talking to him. I started to see why I deserved to be with someone who wouldn’t abuse me or hurt me in any way – even though my past dictated otherwise.
September, I missed my moms birthday. I began going to CoDA meetings and having daily rows with Chris. Another coworker issue came up for me to be tested. I spent most of the month with sickness and my health and my future were front and center in my mind. I began to recognize the kind of relationship I wanted. It is healthy one and look at the qualities I wanted in friends. I learned I don’t have to be someone’s friend or gf just because they want me. I learned I have a choice in who I allow into my life and my heart and I need to exercise that choice with what is good for me, consciously.
October, Chris began an abuse therapy program to help himself. We both began to work on ourselves, with really hard times and a lot of mistrust in between. I felt terrible most of the time – was suicidal and sad a lot and had no direction, having lost my job. I felt worthless but I was still attending CoDA and it got me through. I started talking to God and building a different type of relationship with him away from my Mom’s ideals. I began looking for places to live with Jacuzzi and pool and a gym so I could rebuild my strength. I began working out on my body. I learned that I will have to keep getting back up and trying again no matter how many obstacles I think I have overcome in the past. There will always be obstacles. I learned my perception is faulty at times and negatively biased because of my childhood experiences.
November, I missed my dads birthday. I was feverishly looking for work, getting back with Chris I felt jealous and insecure much of the time, AND we had 3 new female roommates move into the building. This was a tough time for me. I began to abuse Chris once more. I found a job and Julie moved off to France. My one friend in CA left me to be with her new man. I began to look to move out - away from Chris. I found a place nearby my new work that had a Jacuzzi and pool. Perfect. It was with 2 guys. 5 months earlier I would not have felt comfortable and would have been scared to death of living with 2 guys but having learned all I had, I moved in. Chris took me to meet his family in Key West for Thanksgiving, though he was abusive and also abused by his family on the trip, we had a mostly wonderful time. I missed my own family very much. I learned to forgive when necessary and I learned to try to be more flexible in my expectations and demands and to try to think rationally even when I don’t really want to.
December, I began my new job and I started to deal with people again. In a closed office which is weird for me after working from home for a year. I began thinking of family and instead of staying away, wanting to be with them and around them and be myself with them. I learned that my family is my family, and I have the choice to be around them, I learned I want to make the most of my life and learn as much as I can about myself and others to continue to better myself. I realized that when I was a little girl wanting to be a musician that one of the reasons for doing it was to be able to travel to other countries, learn languages and use those languages to somehow change the world a little for the better (with my music – ie. a message). After 20 years I have just found another way I might still be able to do so without the music business fucking it up for me. I am going global.
