Work today was stressful. I am attempting to do too many things at once and maybe my time management is off or my boundaries not on. I do not know. I think they want to let me go and are looking for reasons now. I couldn't help thinking my personal issues are similar to my work issues.
Today they had mentioned a bunch of issues that they had with these open positions I am working on, will be working on, etc. They have asked to check all my communication with others for the next couple weeks and they have asked me to tone it down in requests and to be more aggressive at the same time.
What the fuck?! I am not sure what the fuck they want but I will do the best I can and that is all I can do. I am not going to fucking accept abusive expectations from anyone. Not chris, not work.. no one.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My Automatic Thoughts
Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time? Someone that is actually happy to do special things he can do when I'm not around. He says things like I feel great, and I did this which I cant do when you are around. What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? If he is so much happier when I am not around then why the fuck are we doing this? Why is he staying? Why is he saying he wants to work on the relationship and stay in it? He said he wanted to move in together, if he doesnt want to spend time with me now and we arent living together, then why would he want to if we did?
I just found out that Chris signed up for a sex dating site and has emailed a bunch of women with abandon (they are ages 20-50, yuck) to have sex with them. I feel this is cheating, even though we are not talking. I do not know how to handle this. I am trying..and that is all I can do.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time? Someone that is actually happy to do special things he can do when I'm not around. He says things like I feel great, and I did this which I cant do when you are around. What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? If he is so much happier when I am not around then why the fuck are we doing this? Why is he staying? Why is he saying he wants to work on the relationship and stay in it? He said he wanted to move in together, if he doesnt want to spend time with me now and we arent living together, then why would he want to if we did?
I just found out that Chris signed up for a sex dating site and has emailed a bunch of women with abandon (they are ages 20-50, yuck) to have sex with them. I feel this is cheating, even though we are not talking. I do not know how to handle this. I am trying..and that is all I can do.
My Automatic Thoughts
Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time?
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time?
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