Pride

I am so proud of myself. As lonely and sad as I have been the last couple days I did not sleep with Ben last night. I met a cute boy from UCLA while I was at a another party, actually there were a ton of cute boys.. but I digress.

I met Ben yesterday and took him home as we were going to go swimming for kicks at 4 am..to my home..however, when he asked if he could sleep in my bed.. I said No.

I mean I was drunk but I also was like wow.. this is really good. This is a good sign. A sign of progress and self respect. Not only have I gained a great amount of respect for myself, leaving Dan, leaving Chris, but I also have become somewhat protective of my new body, time and ears. :D

Dan was right, I am just weeding out the fucking bad ones and making way for Mr. Perfect. God is growing me.

New Guy - Day 1

So Day 1 begins today. It's obvious he is no longer the guy that wants to talk to me when he gets home, wakes up and is so into me that he has to call/text or makes time to tell me so. We don't do anything together anymore. He has a phone and doesn't use it. He is not on Skype. He is not communicating with me at all about how he feels except through his action of not communicating and NOT contacting me. He has become just a guy who wants to play a video game with me once in awhile and spend time with me when he has nothing else to do. He also doesn't play with just me, he will leave group with me for his friend Ben and others at pretty much just a beckon.. If I dont call, he wont call and so on and so forth..

The break up book and he;s just not that into you (read it again last night because I caved on the "no contact" rule yesterday by playing in LOTRO with him) says the best thing to do is not see or speak to him and cut all contact and I have not been doing that. It also says I should change my room around so I am gonna work on getting my hair done and my room reorganized this weekend. The point is to take it one day at a time (like any addiction) and focus on the "new". I will be the new me. The "after" me. I will stay busy, focus on loving myself again, thinking about what I want and need, and I will keep in mind that for whatever reason I was just not this person's cup of tea. Even though I want to be stuck in the what is he thinking/feeling? cuz he doesnt talk to me about it, shit...I need to realize HE just ISN'T THINKING OF ME anymore. In between hanging with Alex, tonights dinner, and Jason and Lara's party, Sigs invitation to the pool bbq and seeing my other friends from church topped off with my first "friendly date" (David) since our breakup, I should be pretty busy.

As the book says "sooner or later he will stop taking my calls or meet someone else so just leave him alone already." "He doesnt want me to contact him and he obviously doesnt want to contact me or he would have." "If he wanted to be with me he would have and no broken fingers in the world would stop him from calling and telling me so and asking me out." "Any one word texts or "I miss you's" are just ghosts from a relationship he obviously doesn't want, and you are deeply missable so of course he misses you" and I'm not even getting those so..yeah. If its not, I love you and I want to be with you.. or I'm sorry, I want to work things out and something to that effect, then its clear he still doesn't want to be with me and I'm just being demoted to LD booty call or somethin.

A couple things are happening right now that are makin it easier for me day by day. One, when I sent my finals text telling everyone that I missed them and want to celebrate, EVERY SINGLE person got back to me and said how much they love me too and missed me and why haven't they seen me?! Dihanna has become my breakup buddy and showed me how I overreacted and overreact to Dan's yelling in the game because of my history of abuse and how his yelling pushed that button repeatedly but that realistically also that is the gaming ennvironment and it isnt conducive to peace talks. She was right about that and I realized this happened when I was feeling sensitive on my monthly and so wanted to get back with him and apologize for jumpin the gun but it is too late now he doesnt want to be with me.so now I just need to move on and have been sad since. Two, the loving and caring responses from my text made me realize, dude, all these people obviously care about me and want to be with me, why the fuck am I focusing on one that doesn't even want to make time for me anymore? Three, my family is like letting me lean on them hardcore with my crying and rants.

Even Chris said today "Every time I hear a Michael Franti song I think of your beauty, charm, perseverence and strength. You are awesome" Awww
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01FE9cPXE3M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSbdKDL8otc

Sigmund has already clearly taken Dan's place with the "everyday/couple times a day text saying hes thinkin about me" and sadly, I didnt even give him the time of day before..so I cant go with the no one will ever love me again speech.

Every single person in CA is like wanting to be with me right now, and I so need to lean on my friends in this sad time.. so in the book it also says "determine what I will replace with the times I spent with him." Most of our stuff was online, so I am gonna have to try to be offline a lot more for the next 60 days. Coupled with this breakup and losing my job, possibly having to move due to that, my life is about to go through changes.. and to top things off Miles from NY comes next week. =)

So far my list of things neglected when I was with him to be replaced now are:
*working out again (this is important to me, esp now as its time to be a superfox not a sad sally and I was doing this when he and I met)
*dancing more and possibly getting a job dancing for the summer
*getting ready for Math classes
*finding another job
*clearing out the old clutter
*keeping in touch with people and following up on contact with new people I meet
*refold every damn peice of clothing I have-clean out my closet
*make all those compilation CD's I've been wanting to make
*dust off my guitar, and the music programs I deleted to install LOTRO and play with him

Instead of calling/texting him I will call:
pray to God (I was even distracted from spending time w/ God bein with this guy)
Di
Karin
Alex
David
Sig
Momma

If I were not me which I am but if I were not, what would I say to myself?

If i were to ask my own advice, removed from the situation and these feelings, what would I tell myself?

well let see, you met a boy online..who lived in RI. you were with him for 3 short months.. a guy you only talked on stream to because his name sounded like a musical note. You happened to get along with this boy and were lonely at the time because of your previous breakup and he was in the
same situation getting over an ex. You found out he was younger than you, and lied about your age.

Shortly afterward you noticed that he drank a lot with his friends, and didnt speak nicely of girls in general. This boy continued to pursue you after you initially told him you didnt want to get involved or have feelings for someone who lived far away. Then as you were getting closer he asked you to hang out with him (online, of course) and instead he went out with his friends and left you waiting the entire night. apologized and said he would not do that again. During this time he is in college, plays violent video games more than 4 hours a day and is a creative type.

Then a couple weeks later as you were talking to him outside on your cell phone he raised his voice to you. You again gave him another chance right around your birthday and issued a warning not to do that ever again..he stopped drinking during this time and no longer left you for his friends..you began pushing him to come and meet you as you both talked more and more online and spent copious amounts of time "together". He was a sweetheart for much of the time and listened to you and made kind gestures such as calling and texting many times a day to make the distance bearable..and show he "cared."

Then he came to CA to see you.. he immediately kissed you and you two were inseparable and sensual and added that element to your "relationship". Then he left and you were afraid something bad was going to happen or that he wouldnt talk to you anymore, but he kept on talking to you as tension mounted with the distance getting stronger.. then he stopped talking to you by phone as he is a child and still had to ask his family permission to use the phone they bought him.

Around this time you and he had a couple arguments and he began raising his voice again you warned him a second time and he again apologized and said he would not do it again..he also started talking to his ex gf and you told him this was unacceptable and that you didnt feel good about it. he then promised to stop talking to her and did... temporarily, until you told him the truth about your age lie.. he again began talking to her and started paying more attention to you at your new request.. then he again raised his voice when you were playing together..

he said he was talking to someone else, but it was you he insulted.. he said he felt alot of "pressure" from you and your kin leader.. and that he doesn't like it when you act like he is attacking you or you behave like he is going to leave you all the time.. this was true and you did feel this way...and did say these things to him..

Now my own advice, if I were not me...my advice to someone who told me the above...

one sounds like this guy is too young for you
two if hes yellin now... he will prob always behave that way when under pressure.. is that what you want? do you really want some little hothead for the long term when you have real adult problems to deal with and need compassion, understanding and communication?
three you already gave him 2 chances.. how many more are you gonna give? the guy cant talk things out calmly so instead raises his voice to intimidate..or withdraws .. really, you feel you cant get any better guy than this?

four he was prob awesome and really really cute at first due to infatuation, but things clearly have turned sour..and you need to let go now
five he doesn't even live near you so get your ass in gear, get out there, focus on you and meet other guys who will not yell at you
six this guy has shown he doesn't keep his word, he may have cared about you but he's bad at it, and he doesn't meet your needs
seven what is it about you that is attracted to this guy and why? you need to take a look at that.. so you dont keep makin the same bad choices
eight take a look at what things you enjoyed about being with him and what things you could learn from that YOU DID to cause this breakup

also..more to come..

Life is hard enough without having to find someone difficult to share it with..

These times after a break up suck. I have been acting foolsihly with a boy.

He said just give him a break. A break. Ok. I will give u a break. The hes just not that into you book and get over a breakup book says "do not to or see him for 60 days", yet I play the video game with him, and he is in my kin. What do I do? it IS hurting me that things are not as they were..so I need to determine how I will play but not see/talk to him. It hurts me that he just doesnt seem to give me attention, but I am going to leave it be because really I cant force him and obviously he has given up all the shit he said he wanted to do with me.

Last night Vae metioned how he used to talk about me all the time in class.. now.. nothing. He doesnt even talk about me, or to me. You can bet hes talking to someone though, and its prob Becky, Miles or someone new. Vae mentioned maybe he is jealous. jealous. Yeah right? Jealous of what? He doesn't talk to me or hang out with me even in game... whats there to be jealous of if you dont even see someone or know what they are up to? As the book says, looks to me like he is acting very much like a guy thats "just not that into me".

If i were to ask my own advice, removed from the situation and these feelings, what would I tell myself? I'm gonna think about that later. In other news, my good ol Miles from NYC is coming on to LA from his national tour with his band Outernational and he is gonna be visting me and we are gonna hang out again. He said he has missed me. Yay! At least someone has...

Though I dont talk to Connie Jean anymore after our fiasco in San Diego, I cant help but listen to her version of Sweet Lorraine and her Santa Cruz surf song. Thinking that these songs are so much like my own life and view right now.

Sweet lorraine the fiery haired brown eyed schemer
Who came from a long line of drinkers and dreamers
Who knew that sunshine dont hold up to dark
Whose businesses failed, who slept in the park
Lorraine who spoke of paintings in Paris
And outlandish things to her family just to scare us
Whose heart went pokin where it shouldnt ought
Whose mother could only spit at the thought of
Lorraine, sweet lorraine

Her father father would tear out like a page of the bible
Then he'd burn down the house to announce his arrival
Her mother was working and never was home
Lorraine carved out a little life of her own
Lorraine started working, lorraine went to school
Her mother threw stones at her on the day that she moved
Now isnt that a very strange thing to do for someone who never really wanted you
Lorraine, sweet lorraine

Her daddy called her a slut and a whore
On the night before her wedding day
The very next morning at the church
Her daddy gave lorraine away
Lorraine, sweet lorraine

In the battle of time in the battle of will
Its only your hope and your heart that gets killed
And it gets harder and harder lorraine, to believe in magic
When what came before you is so very tragic
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Lorraine, sweet lorraine

"Sometimes you fight so hard for a wave you just can't get, sometimes u stand right up and you dont know what you did"
"When you left to go halfway to Timbuktu, I spent my winter days.. surfing Santa Cruz.. "