I have only 1 KING..and one main life purpose.

Where I am this week, huh? Crazy day on Wed, was feeling stressed, and down on myself and my abilities. I am not as angry or scared today. Talked it over with my bestest friends Karin and Corey and I went out and sang with Vanessa and took a much needed load-off from the day with 1 half glass of wine, 2 cigarettes, and 25 of some of the all time awesomest pop songs.

Doesn’t take much for me. A massage, stretching, a clean room, a glass of wine, studying, playing fantasticcontraption.com, a little singing and some friendly attention and I am cool for school. I have very easy and mostly safe chill out methods I think compared to some others.

I am in this headspace now. Ok, shit is going downhill, but it has gone here before and I have always come out on top thanks to God. Either way, when I feel I am hurting or not, I always end up thankful. One just needs to look a few posts back to see how God’s love for me manifests itself freakin ALWAYS. Even when I am thinking that it is the worst day, for God it is probably like “dude, don’t you get it yet?” It’s ok, padawan. LOL.

I might be staying in Culver City on weekends with Vanessa so we can make it to school together. She is great for offering her place up and giving me rides on Sat to lab. I work in Culver City and now I will be staying here on the weekends so I can not have to drop out of school. I am doing very well in school and learning as I am about science, the more love and respect and awe for God I have!

I really am blessed and since I forgot about it yesterday. I will note exactly how I am being blessed in what I once again think is this “terrible time”:

• I still have a means to get to school (however it is I may feel about it)
• I am getting A’s in all my classes.
• I have large bills, but I have my health entirely. I could have been killed or maimed in that accident AND have to pay my own bills.
• I still have a great place to live and AWESOME friends.
• I was able to procure a career position in a terrible economy of loss and suffering.
• I get a ride to this job every morning from a coworker (without a car in LA!)
• Doing four peoples jobs and at least getting understanding from all 4 execs.
• My bosses are giving me a lot of kudos on the job and praising me for my hard work.
• I am ok with being alone and don’t “need” anyone there all the time.
• I got a skateboard to release my physical energy and can still dance. :)
• I still have self respect and self love.

This week they built me a new supercomputer with all the trimmings I need to do my job. My boss gave me a sweet card of thanks with 2 movie tickets. I got 2 letters from the CEO and another boss told me I made his day. This kind of recognition is perfect for me. As an employee and subordinate I am driven by recognition for my talents and hard work, adequate compensation and a lot of support. If I can get those things here, this will be a really wonderful career opportunity.

I am about to dump both Larry and Jeff out of my life as they do not seem to be proving themselves worthy of being my friend or meeting the needs of one. One doesn’t keep his word and is too transient - the other doesn’t seem to respect my need for personal space and keeps on calling me “baby” without apologizing after I told him to stop. He also tried to tickle me and laughs when I am being serious. If he doesn’t respect me now, he def wont later so today I decided is the last time I will talk to him. Furthermore, neither go to church or in actions show they believe in God and actively submit to Him. Hmm, men with no boundaries means an abusive preview? Yeah… No fucking thanks. I been there done that, got the T-shirt and honorary titles.

This weekend should be nice. I will go to the movies with Corey and see Karin at some point hopefully. I think it will be hard not to answer their calls but I am going to start somewhere. =)

I'm appreciated by so many

Dude, I think I am one of the rare people that just has things happen to them. Last March I went on an interview for a job in Hermosa Beach, which I really wanted and almost nabbed but then didn't due to other circumstances. I got a long with the CEO very well as well as my to be coworkers. I have been since invited by them to various basketball, hockey and company parties. :)

(keep in mind I do not work at these 2 places, and only interviewed with them once)

However, I am still invited to all of the companies gatherings and am in periodic contact with all the company CEO's I interviewed with at that time. Both of them are having a Halloween party and they decided to invite their favorite non candidate candidate-me. I just think it is great how I affect people and I am MEMORABLE. :)

Had to write about it.

I think it only gets better from here

So i found out that Chris already "almost" impregnated another chick. lol. homeboy went from going to church to killing a child. He has no morals. Now I'm thinking God took me away from that because He knew that guy would only bring me down in the end and away from God and His pure will for me.

this has made me so happy i have nothing to do with him, and actually it has helped with the whole "what is he thinking/feeling?" stuff i have been caught on the last 2 days (see my previous posts on the book its called a breakup because its broken)! which i found quite weird!

he def isn't thinking of me. he is thinking of his girl and getting his dick wet for awhile. no wonder he never contacted me again. he wasn't thinking of me back then and he isn't now. how lucky i am to be rid of such a slave to pleasure and thrill. someone who is so obviously not concerned with their own well being or anyone else's.

work is becoming very difficult what with getting to school and full time support of 4 people. school is looking like i may have to put it on hold while we get this database off the ground. i am frustrated but accepting the pressure and trying to take it all in stride.

larry slept over again last night. aww. =)

My feelings right now

I am angry I moved here to go to school and may now have to quit due to the full time job I have and the incapacity to pay these NEW bills of up to $2000.

I am happy that I just got back from San Diego with Joey and we went kayaking on the La Jolla Cove caverns and I got to see and be a part of such beauty. The kayaking reminded me of teamwork, which Joey and I did not have, sadly. :(

Nonetheless, I am glad he came to visit and my time spent with him was a learning experience in itself. I am beginning to appreciate them with the exception of the no car one I am HATING right now. I just cannot get over my anger at this, it taints my every good time. Why the heck am I still here if I am not going to go to school? Why on earth did I make the decision to move here to attend and then not be able to because this happened a week later?!

In the grand scheme of things I don't get it. Yes, it got Chris away from me. Yes, I learned I need to lean on the Lord. Yes, I realized that I would not be homeless here, that I had my friends supporting me and actually caring about my well being not leaving me when the chips are down like Chris did, unlike I thought they would. They are still here for me. Still remembering me and still giving me rides. :( Alas, I dont want to get rides from them! I feel like I may need to start renting again. :( Either that or get my butt on a lease.

In other news, the Lord is looking out for me either way and work stress is at a high. I am doing the best I can to take care of myself but I am going to need a REAL massage very soon, if only I had a fucking car...but I digress.. :P

Psshah.

Anyway, since I promised to put these up - pics of Larry. Whatevs...