This week I am reflecting on my mistakes within my last relationship and looking at my actions, beliefs and behaviors.
I think it is important to feel all the unresolved feelings, say all the unresolved things that needed to be said (not actually to Chris, of course) and witness your own faults in why something unfolds the way it does.
Good times. With that my self care for this week...
What is my final decisions on Chris that I still need to stick to for my own safety and mental clarity?
• We are over and he is entitled to move on (not me get angry, tease him, or speak to him at all, either). He does not want to be in a relationship like the one we had and neither do I. I don’t really want to be with someone who could not be attentive, faithful to me or nice consistently, often didn’t want to see me/spend time and that I argued with. I deserve God’s man for me, end of story.
• I need to keep no contact with him.
• I need to time with me, learning about myself & doing God’s will.
• I need to realize I am NOT READY for a relationship WITH ANYONE.
• I need to use firm boundaries and be consistent in my behavior, actions & words.
• I need to see actions back up words. I need to build trust in myself over the next 6 months, even for a solid friendship with someone.
What can i or could I have controlled with Chris? Nothing. I CANNOT control Chris. I cannot control him, his thoughts, words or his actions, or his reasons at all.
• I can control the amount of time I choose to spend on him, how I will handle the situation.
• I can control my own thoughts, actions, words.
THINGS I CAN DO FOR MY SELF CARE
• Study for class
• I can recognize what I feel and feel the temp feelings I have and nurture myself through it
• I can go out with friends/self
• I can volunteer / work / be creative with my time
• I can eat well and exercise to fight any depression or emotional stagnation
• I can pray to/talk to God and Jesus for strength when I am feeling lonely / sad
• Take care of myself and my own issues
• Attend my meetings
• Stay away from unhealthy others and situations-GO COLD TURKEY
When I want to call him/IM him/email him I will instead:
• A family member
• Someone from church
• Another random guy in my phone
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Relationship Secrets and Mr. Right
Looking back today, I was speaking of Chris last night and mentioning how that it is finally over with him. The saga has ended. That no one would be hearing about him anymore and how I am not ever talking to him again.
Nonetheless, this post is about Relationships, real ones.
The 10 Secrets
1) Power of Thought. Loving thoughts create loving experiences.
2) Power of Giving. The more love we give, the more we receive.
3) Power of Respect. You cannot love anyone unless you respect them first. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally.
4) Power of Friendship. To find true love, find a true friend. Love doesnt consist of gazing into each others eyes but of looking outward toward the future in the same direction.
5) Power of Letting Go. If you love something, set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was yours. If we want to learn to love we must forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances.
6) Power of Communication. To love someone is to communicate to them with truth.
7) Power of Commitment. Commitment is a true test of love. If you want to have a loving relationship you must be committed to it, 100%. When you are committed, quitting is not an option. It distinguishes the fragile from the strong relationship.
8) Power of Passion. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone, it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest in the other, and excitement.
9) Power of Touch. Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding. Touch changes the physical emotional state and make us receptive.
10) Power of Trust. Trust is ESSENTIAL in all loving relationships. One of the ways you can tell someone is right for you is ask yourself "Do I trust them completely without reserve?" If the answer is no, think carefully and wisely before making a commitment.
Mr. Right
"Romance" is deadly because it is deceitful. The US version of "love" is the idea that love is an irresistible force like gravity. This is faulty because instead of having the freedom to choose and make right and responsible decisions with our lives, this view pushes less human and more animal in heat responding only to sex drives. Animals cant control those urges, humans however, can. This view leaves us victims of circumstance, which we are not.
If you are a Christian woman you can marry and should marry a Christian man. However, as it says in the Bible not just a Christian man but a GODLY man. 2 Corinthians 6:14. "do not be yoked together with unbelievers" wise words, why?
Godly means pious, devout and conformed to God's law.
Of the man of your interest ask yourself, DOES HE OBEY GOD CONSISTENTLY? DOES HE LOVE GOD MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE OR ANYONE?
Its easy to be fooled by appearances. A man who isn't godly will try to impress by being religious, this is not the same.
Godly character like any, can only be recognized over time. In this time remember Proverbs 4:23 "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
We are to be submission to our husbands, our husbands to us and Christ and both to God. Eph 5:22, 1 peter 3:1
So we are expected to submit to our husbands, this does not mean be his slave or act mindlessly. Also, we do NOT have to be in submission to boyfriends or fiancees - as we are not married! And "submission" is not control. See previous article on submission here >>
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-it-actually-will-look-like.html
The Proverbs Wicked Men
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/04/bible-and-i-have-same-mate-in-mind.html
Character Traits Scale
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/07/tonight-was-rough-character-traits.html
10 Questions to ask yourself of the man you "love"
1) Is he a man you can submit to? If you marry an idiot, a drunkard, a reveler, a cheap miser, a fornicator, a cheater, a liar, etc, you are to be in submission to that kind of man! Choose very wisely. Don't marry for potential, marry because what you want is already there and you have already seen it in his actions.
2) Does he have a heart inclined towards God? A man whose heart is inclined toward God is AWARE OF what hurts God. A man inclined towards God LISTENS to the Word of God and OBEYS IT. A man whose heart is inclined towards God will be at church, participating, and treating other women with RESPECT AND DIGNITY before, during and AFTER they leave church.
3) Is he accountable to someone? Proverbs 27:!7 "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another"
A man you can submit to will have other men praying for him, speaking to him, helping him, encouraging him, and rebuking him in his life. What kind of men are in your mans' life? Godly men? Or worldly men?
4) Is he a man who is gentle, humble, and teachable? Matt 11:29, John 6:38. Jesus was teachable, listening to God. A mans primary responsibility is love to his wife, and if he is gentle and humble then usually he will be teachable. If he is teachable, when there are disagreements, (and there will be) he will listen to you, learn and not be afraid to admit he is wrong and make any changes.
5) Is he a man of prayer? To marry a man who is not listening to God is to put your life in danger and spinning out of control. Listen to the man you are interested in: how does he pray? Just at meal times? Does it sound like he knows God? Or is it fox hole prayers? (Back in WW1 & WW2, the soldiers would dig a hole and hide there with their guns and ammo. They would pray their heads off that they would be safe from harms way. When the danger passed, and they were able to escape from these "foxholes", they didn't need God anymore or pray or speak to Him.)
6) Is he a trustworthy leader? Eph 5:23-34 If you are to be in submission and the man is to lead, what kind of leader are you getting? A good leader means he must be a good servant. Matt 20:25-28 "whoever wants to become great must serve and whoever is first, must first be your slave as Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many" Does your man serve you as Christ serves the church, reveres the church, and raises the church?
7) Is he serving somewhere? If not, how will he learn to lead as Jesus did? Through service God teaches a man to be more giving, loving, compassionate and unselfish. This teaches submission to Christ.
8) Is he a wise man or a wise guy? please eliminate all the dumb guys, hot heads, goof balls, wise-crackers, and fools. These are the wicked men of Proverbs. Instead, 24:3, Prov 13:20. Want to know if you are with one of the above?
a) Does he make consistent bad moves and bone-head mistakes?
b) Does he learn from them and stop or repeat them or blame others instead?
c) What motivates his choices?
d) Is he in debt and continues to purchase things? etc?
e) Does he offend people?
Wisdom is a character trait recognized over time, you make the wise choice.
9) Does he know where he is going and how to get there? To be a good leader one must have VISION and be able to make decisions with thought and action. Prov 21:5 "plans of the diligent lead to profit" You are trusting this man with your family's future, where does he want to go? Or does he not know?
10) Does he consider you a godly woman? Godly men will be attracted to godly women. Work on your own relationship with God first. You get involved and serve. Trust God with your future.
Praise the Lord, the man I was with did not possess these qualities and thankfully the Lord has led me away from him, and him away from me to another. Another blessing in disguise (like Brandon was), I see that now. I feel blessed.
Nonetheless, this post is about Relationships, real ones.
The 10 Secrets
1) Power of Thought. Loving thoughts create loving experiences.
2) Power of Giving. The more love we give, the more we receive.
3) Power of Respect. You cannot love anyone unless you respect them first. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally.
4) Power of Friendship. To find true love, find a true friend. Love doesnt consist of gazing into each others eyes but of looking outward toward the future in the same direction.
5) Power of Letting Go. If you love something, set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn't it never was yours. If we want to learn to love we must forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances.
6) Power of Communication. To love someone is to communicate to them with truth.
7) Power of Commitment. Commitment is a true test of love. If you want to have a loving relationship you must be committed to it, 100%. When you are committed, quitting is not an option. It distinguishes the fragile from the strong relationship.
8) Power of Passion. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone, it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest in the other, and excitement.
9) Power of Touch. Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding. Touch changes the physical emotional state and make us receptive.
10) Power of Trust. Trust is ESSENTIAL in all loving relationships. One of the ways you can tell someone is right for you is ask yourself "Do I trust them completely without reserve?" If the answer is no, think carefully and wisely before making a commitment.
Mr. Right
"Romance" is deadly because it is deceitful. The US version of "love" is the idea that love is an irresistible force like gravity. This is faulty because instead of having the freedom to choose and make right and responsible decisions with our lives, this view pushes less human and more animal in heat responding only to sex drives. Animals cant control those urges, humans however, can. This view leaves us victims of circumstance, which we are not.
If you are a Christian woman you can marry and should marry a Christian man. However, as it says in the Bible not just a Christian man but a GODLY man. 2 Corinthians 6:14. "do not be yoked together with unbelievers" wise words, why?
Godly means pious, devout and conformed to God's law.
Of the man of your interest ask yourself, DOES HE OBEY GOD CONSISTENTLY? DOES HE LOVE GOD MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE OR ANYONE?
Its easy to be fooled by appearances. A man who isn't godly will try to impress by being religious, this is not the same.
Godly character like any, can only be recognized over time. In this time remember Proverbs 4:23 "above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
We are to be submission to our husbands, our husbands to us and Christ and both to God. Eph 5:22, 1 peter 3:1
So we are expected to submit to our husbands, this does not mean be his slave or act mindlessly. Also, we do NOT have to be in submission to boyfriends or fiancees - as we are not married! And "submission" is not control. See previous article on submission here >>
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-it-actually-will-look-like.html
The Proverbs Wicked Men
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/04/bible-and-i-have-same-mate-in-mind.html
Character Traits Scale
http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/07/tonight-was-rough-character-traits.html
10 Questions to ask yourself of the man you "love"
1) Is he a man you can submit to? If you marry an idiot, a drunkard, a reveler, a cheap miser, a fornicator, a cheater, a liar, etc, you are to be in submission to that kind of man! Choose very wisely. Don't marry for potential, marry because what you want is already there and you have already seen it in his actions.
2) Does he have a heart inclined towards God? A man whose heart is inclined toward God is AWARE OF what hurts God. A man inclined towards God LISTENS to the Word of God and OBEYS IT. A man whose heart is inclined towards God will be at church, participating, and treating other women with RESPECT AND DIGNITY before, during and AFTER they leave church.
3) Is he accountable to someone? Proverbs 27:!7 "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another"
A man you can submit to will have other men praying for him, speaking to him, helping him, encouraging him, and rebuking him in his life. What kind of men are in your mans' life? Godly men? Or worldly men?
4) Is he a man who is gentle, humble, and teachable? Matt 11:29, John 6:38. Jesus was teachable, listening to God. A mans primary responsibility is love to his wife, and if he is gentle and humble then usually he will be teachable. If he is teachable, when there are disagreements, (and there will be) he will listen to you, learn and not be afraid to admit he is wrong and make any changes.
5) Is he a man of prayer? To marry a man who is not listening to God is to put your life in danger and spinning out of control. Listen to the man you are interested in: how does he pray? Just at meal times? Does it sound like he knows God? Or is it fox hole prayers? (Back in WW1 & WW2, the soldiers would dig a hole and hide there with their guns and ammo. They would pray their heads off that they would be safe from harms way. When the danger passed, and they were able to escape from these "foxholes", they didn't need God anymore or pray or speak to Him.)
6) Is he a trustworthy leader? Eph 5:23-34 If you are to be in submission and the man is to lead, what kind of leader are you getting? A good leader means he must be a good servant. Matt 20:25-28 "whoever wants to become great must serve and whoever is first, must first be your slave as Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many" Does your man serve you as Christ serves the church, reveres the church, and raises the church?
7) Is he serving somewhere? If not, how will he learn to lead as Jesus did? Through service God teaches a man to be more giving, loving, compassionate and unselfish. This teaches submission to Christ.
8) Is he a wise man or a wise guy? please eliminate all the dumb guys, hot heads, goof balls, wise-crackers, and fools. These are the wicked men of Proverbs. Instead, 24:3, Prov 13:20. Want to know if you are with one of the above?
a) Does he make consistent bad moves and bone-head mistakes?
b) Does he learn from them and stop or repeat them or blame others instead?
c) What motivates his choices?
d) Is he in debt and continues to purchase things? etc?
e) Does he offend people?
Wisdom is a character trait recognized over time, you make the wise choice.
9) Does he know where he is going and how to get there? To be a good leader one must have VISION and be able to make decisions with thought and action. Prov 21:5 "plans of the diligent lead to profit" You are trusting this man with your family's future, where does he want to go? Or does he not know?
10) Does he consider you a godly woman? Godly men will be attracted to godly women. Work on your own relationship with God first. You get involved and serve. Trust God with your future.
Praise the Lord, the man I was with did not possess these qualities and thankfully the Lord has led me away from him, and him away from me to another. Another blessing in disguise (like Brandon was), I see that now. I feel blessed.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Blast from the past to shed light on tha present 2..
"Thursday, March 24, 2005
Wagon Wheel
I am listening to the Garden State soundtrack. FACE! Sm-mack to the face! Gordon and I broke up last night. He is moving to CA in 2 weeks to follow his dreams of becoming a famous filmmaker. I am sad. I will miss him. I wish things could be different. Here I thought “oh he just needs time and we can be together after he gets his life together and gets the things he strives for cuz he really wants to be with me and things will work out for the best and we will eventually be together. I stopped buggin him about not callin or seein me, I wasn’t not trusting him or asking lots of questions, I was changing it for us, for the better of both of us so we could be happy together with the little problem things gone. Now he is leaving for good, figures this would happen.
To think of all the things his mom said to me and how it all turned out in the end is just a killer. I am happy for him because I love him but I am sad for me cuz I love him. Obviously we can’t carry on a relationship that many miles away and it’s not like he wants to run off together, nor would I. Songs I hear make me think of him, films I see, places I go, I want that to die out eventually. So no more hurty gurty. I suppose I could stay “friends” with Gordon and visit him when I go to CA to see the Dreaming and my CA peeps, and wait it all out til he realizes how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but no-o-o-o I am not like that. I unfortunately can’t see him just as a friend at least not now and by the time I can, he will probably no longer have his phone or will be living somewhere else or in a relationship probably with someone else that he really loves and wants to be with and I will frankly never call him or talk to him again. That’s my luck. Then again I could just be thinking negative. The positive of that seems highly unlikely right now though, sorry Jack Handey. Gah! Argh!
I am celebrating my birthday this Friday night at Dusk on (W. 24th -bet 6th & 7th) and since I only have one day with him for the last time, I asked him to invite his friends too so he can say goodbye to them. I thought it was funny that our last time together he wants to spend it with other people but he IS saying goodbye, and I don’t and have never been/been made to feel more special to him than anyone else he knows or is friends with. I will not be this nice again. My heart is breaking but that’s ok, I know I will be fine eventually. I just need time to get over him. As much as I might want it, it isn’t meant to be, not now and maybe not ever.
Redhead? Yeah, its looking positive. The weather is horrid and I have a lot of fixing to do with my hair. I have been a little mean to it, just a bit right? with all the dying etc. Yesterday I was shocked and awed by the way my hair looked. I cried inside the salon I was so miserable! I cried leaving the salon while walking in the snow, to the beauty supply store, cried inside the store, outside and all the way back to my house. I then set to re-dying my hair myself.. and started painting my walls to take my mind off it, if I could have done that originally I might have saved myself the $75 I spent and gotten the painting done earlier. $75 for hair I absolutely felt horrified by!!! Goddamn it. Now, I am ok with it til it starts to get pinkish. I just have to keep reapplying this semi perm color every couple weeks. I’m a hair whore, what do you know of semi permanent right?
All I know is right now I cannot allow myself to grieve for the loss of anyone, I have no time to be worrying about that. I can’t make space in my head for that negativity. I have to keep on keeping on. I have goals to accomplish. I have places to go, people to meet, things to see. Did Madonna cry over Jellybean and become incapacitated when they broke up? NO. Did Jesus become unable to go outside and show his face when he knew couldn’t see Mary Magdalene again? NO. Did Ghandi cry when he left his family for his larger purpose? NO. Therefore in following the footsteps of strong people, I will not mourn this or allow this to get to me right now.
Dude, my boss is so funny. Under the comments for the drafting of contracts, he put “chew our food” among them. LOL. I just wrote to Joel, I am hoping he writes me back. I will send him periodic follow up emails til he does.
Gah~! I am gonna get some lunch. I need it. I hope everything goes smashingly at my get together but if I go by the horoscopes today it spells they won’t. I wont let that crap happen to me. I am gonna have a good time by hook or crook! Ever wonder where ”by hook or crook” came from? Well, I’m here to tell ya…
"by hook or by crook" -----> (Phrase Origin) this phrase formerly meant "by fair means or foul", although now it often (especially in the U.K.) means simply "by whatever necessary means". The first recorded use is by John Wycliffe in _Controversial Tracts_ (circa 1380). Theories include: a law or custom in mediaeval England that allowed peasants to take as firewood from the King's forests any deadwood that they could reach with a shepherd's crook and cut off with a reaper's billhook; rhyming words for "direct" (reachable with a long hook) and "indirect" (roundabout); beginners' writing exercises, where letters have hooks and brackets are "crooks"; and from "Hook" and "Crook” the names of headlands on either side of a bay north of Waterford, Ireland, referring to a captain's determination to make the haven of the bay in bad weather using one headland or the other as a guide.
Write lata nigga…
Love, me
07:16
Friday, March 18, 2005
alright alright, I'm goin I'm goin!
Current mood: determined
How funny it is to hear people of similar backgrounds discuss other people in a sort of prejudiced way. To hear an Asian person say I don’t like boys with chinky eyes..or so and so isn’t cute cuz they have chinky eyes and then another Asian person say well I don’t like Chinese men, and someone mention how cute Japanese men are is funny to me, because I happen to know the people passing these opinions, and they are Asian. Japanese and Chinese and Korean. I also know of Latin people, myself included who only like certain other Latin people. My sister for instance is a known Dominican hater, but she is Puerto Rican/Cuban. Most Cubans don’t like Dominicans or Puerto Ricans due to their dark skin color, yet there are some Cubans who would be mistaken for African in this country. It’s all very funny and strange to me and frankly ignorant.
Greg and I spent last night listening to Big Whig, Against Me, a couple of other cool bands and watching my Privacy Policy video til we were falling asleep. He thinks I should make a book and sell all my diary entries to publishers, he says I am a really good writer. I don’t know why it is but when I watch myself perform on tape or video it makes me move or shake in some weird way. Not every moment of film but certain moments. Does anyone else get that way? I didn’t call Craig last night though I was tempted to. I kept composure and decided since I didn’t make a decision yet, there is no need to involve him right now. I am meeting with producers ..4 and 5 tonight and tomorrow. Stalking Ronson, Kalt and Dmitri this weekend. Planning tonight - getting paint for my party, beer, going dancing with Matt, and tomorrow morning going to the gym and doing my hair red and nails for next week. Woot!! Excito to el maximo! Next week. Next week. Neeeext weeeeeeek. LOL. Hmmm, I think I am gonna make plans, cuz there is a chance that maybe Gordon wont come for my b-day. He is very very busy in a transition phase and doesn’t want me around toooooo much. (breaks into song) “Freedom!” “I wont let you down but please don’t give me up.” “You got to give what you take” If he does come then he can either join me in my plans, or he can go off and do his own thing, like he has done. So that’s good then. I should make a list of people I really want to see and be around for this birthday. I also kinda want to be alone for my birthday with someone special. Hmmm. I don’t know what I am gonna do for it yet. It’s a Friday night, Saturday and Sunday celebration! This time next year, I will be with someone who has the money to treat me to whatever I want for my birthday. What? Wha nigga? Come back and looky for yo’ delf then sucka soul!
Then again I have always been a simple kinda girl, not wanting too much. Yeah right! J/k, cmp. So I don’t know its only 1:28p and I have already completed my work for the day! Argh. I hate when I am ahead like this, this early. Makes me want to eat or worse…have a cigarette. Or worse!…I don’t know YOU think of something worse. At least you know who isn’t around to bug me. God, I despise that girl. She asked me to lunch this week and I told her “we’ll see” when I really meant “fuck no, I hate you!”. My assignment is ending so I might not even be here. With me here they are all caught up and don’t need anyone now. I should have worked less. Lol. I am pretty confident about the future prospect of working in NYC again, like Jade mentioned I will meet a lot of people and hopefully get involved in even more creative outlets.
I wish I could hang out with Matt Clare. Why did I think of him just now? Weird. I guess I have been thinking about him a bit lately, I should call him, but, what would I say? HI! This is Gordon’s girlfriend, I got your numba from him hope you don’t mind, so…how YOU doin? Yo, you might wanna to chill sometime? Maybe get a drink or something? That would sound weird to him I’m sure, though perfectly innocent. Maybe it would be weird to anyone. Yo, maybe I’m just weird?? I could write a friggin book though couldn’t I? I always have so much to say when I write. But who would read it I wonder? Could someone’s life be described as a “good read”? Truth is, if you add all my entries up from the last 2 years alone it’s about 50-70 pages. I really want to get the movie made. Wow! The next contract to draft is “Clare Logistics” how is that for co inky stinkydence! I gotta go. I will write more later!
Love, me
08:12
Thursday, March 17, 2005
scrolling through billionaires...
Current mood: determined
I write during the day at work but can't post until evening so here is yesterday's and todays postings. Thas right homie I roll online to the billionaire dating site, and what?
3/16/05
What’s up? I am at assignment right now excited about tonight. I hope this will end up being something even though he lives in Brooklyn and I will have to travel a bit to get my stuff completed. He is producer ..4, seems to have a good working style, I like his music taste, and great attitude but then again you can’t judge a book by its tagline, cover or even reviews lately, so we’ll see. Last night was a good night. I had a great time. I am getting everything done I need to. I am gonna have a paint party at my house this week! I think it will be nice to reconnect with old peeps. GT’s yo to the 9’s muthabeeotch!
Spoke to Mike and he is all about doing tracks to make some money. I’m gonna ask him if we can finish a quick album of short, catchy, punchy 3 min stuff to give to publishers as a songwriting team. Now if I could just get the Wendell on board. How will I sell the idea to his stubborn ass?? I am also going to do some major clubbing this weekend and try to talk to the big DJ’s and ask them whom I can contact about working on these tracks and getting them out there to artists. Can’t hurt to try I always say, and I have the balls to go after pretty much anything I want. I may have been fucked in the love cards, but I still have my balls of steel, lightning brain, and ripe tatas for business. The great thing about where I am, starting over fresh is that I am not doing it for the first time. And law says if you can accomplish something once, you can almost always accomplish it twice because you have the experience/knowledge as well as the belief that you can do it, because you already have. First to be hit up Friday & Saturday, Dimitri From Paris, Mark Ronson and Lee Kalt.
3/17/05
So last night I met with Craig and it was eye opening and some surprising fun. He like the others made mention of how he could tell how serious I am and how determined I am and how he wants to be a part of that. Yay! I still don’t know who I am going to choose to work with though. I feel like I should narrow it down to 2. Then I met up with Jade and we had a fun time at the Coffee Shop surrounded by who else but sweet (and I mean that) Mary Kate and Ashley or however u spell it. I was feeling very animated and Jade wasn’t turning me down on it. Lol. Later, outside I just so happened to mention that I wanted to get a piano player for the tracks and I just so happened to be talking to Joel Simon! Google him. JSM Music. Anyway, he said to get him some songs and he would like to help me out etc and to get in touch with him cuz he liked my style and Jade’s hat. ;) And what you got?
So how awesome is that? I was saying to Craig in Brooklyn how my goal is to document my life music and get it all on CD and then maybe sell the songs for movies/commercials etc.. and there I am in NYC talking to JSM about sending him stuff, the commercial music king. Talk about turning your desires into reality. I am not going to lose this chance. I have to get this CD done, I may feel that I have lost the band passion but I definitely haven’t lost my drive or my skill in being able to get it across to the right people!
Maybe Wendell and Mike might even get on board if I tell them of Joel’s interest. Hmmm. Could I use that as my bait? These are the times I wish I could speak to Gordon, he knows above all how to use people for his own needs. He does it almost without thinking about it, his selfishness affords him that. A skill I need to cultivate alot more of. Well let me try to think of it on my own. What is the essence/advantage of the situation? What can I do to get what I want? What am I willing to do to get it? How can I use him to get me to where I want to be? These are home thoughts not work thoughts. Planning, planning, plotting.
What else. I am finding myself hating my co-worker.
love, me
08:35
Monday, March 14, 2005
"let go" "just jump in there's beauty in the breakdown"
Current mood: devious
My worrying wasn’t unfounded, Gordo wants to spend a little less time together. I am ok with that. We talked and there is "a plan" so I am feeling really good about us for the future. Today is a great day. Studio to go see some more producers about working on this album. I found out that I am going to be kept on this assignment til possibly end of June. Interesting indeed. In no time at all I will be whizzing those contracts.
I am researching plugins for Pro Tools and DP3, Then meeting up with friends, finally. LOL. What the hell do I care what NME thinks is the coolest band on the planet? God, myspace is becoming so “mersh”. City of God is one of the best movies! Anywho, I will try to write more later.
love, me
10:11
Thursday, March 10, 2005
love that chicken!
Current mood: pensive
Solo career at last. I might actually start working with Mike again on music for commercials. We’ll see, that’s always exciting and fun to do.
I am frustrated and happy and pissed all at the same time. I don’t feel friendly on the outside at all. I feel like there is so much going on around me and I am not being a part of it. I don’t know what exactly I want to be doing, but when I look at my friends’ blogs, I notice something is missing from mine, besides entries. Have I become mundane? Am I not wearing my party hat often enough? I feel like I have spent so much time at work and with my man that I have not done anything with my guy friends. I miss them. I need to force myself to get out more this weekend. I don’t know if it is that I just want to get fucked up beyond “lights out for her” or if it is just that I feel ..fuck I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I’m getting on cuz after awhile doing drugs and drinking and partying every night away just doesn’t have the same allure that it does when you have really nothing else to do with your life and you’re just dreaming about doing shit with other people who dream about doing shit but you all end up getting fucked up and doing nothing together-alot. I am just anxious to get shit finished I guess. I don't like to leave shit hanging. I hate that shit. I want the things I set goals for to start happening. Nothing’s overnite, I know. But whas the point of makin fuckin plans if you aint gonna roll on it like a train? It’s not like I am not doing the work that’s for sure but in the same token I don’t know if it should be all work and no play. I am not playing with the other children, I am not paying attention in class and at sleepy time I am planning and plotting. Yet, somehow commercials and myspace make me feel like I am losing out.
The other thing is money, I have enough, I have what I need and then some but I still feel as though I should be saving more of it. I don’t want to just go on a cruise or something but I have the urge to spend a lot lately. Why? It must mean something is missing for me right now, no? I just scarfed down some my fave Popeye’s, new home of shrimp, as well apparently. Who says you only got to eat chicken? CMP!
Gordon is another thing, once he starts working too how the hell are we gonna keep it
together? As it is I have a hard time seeing him if I am not going there. It’s only been 4 days since I have seen him. We had a great time in DC. I wish I could be as calm as him about our relationship, but eh I worry.
I think I might take a class or 2 in June. Keep me out of the house and in motivational stride. God I am so smart. Sometimes I don’t want to be sensible. I should go away but where? Why the hell do I feel the need to rest when I have just gotten over with my leg and have only been working for a week and half?? Plus then I think, well I cant go, I have a lot to do here. Er, I don’t know the butter is melting..or hardening, my dick is though. I will try and write more later on.
Love, me
13:45
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
privacy please???? how about being honest instead?
Current mood: frustrated
i am in full agreement with anyone who seeks or requests their privacy from people they don't know or people who have some ability to harm them or their status such as the government or credit card and various insurance companies or internet establishments that are less than reputable, etc..
i however do not feel that way about people who seek to be private from their loved ones..or significant other. I am sorry but if you need to be "private" or feel someone is invading your privacy then to me that is reason for mistrust. Trust doesn't breed mistrust, to me privacy does and extreme privacy at all costs looks to me like a shady fucking deal.
if "someone" gets wind of something that is going on that probably shouldn't be and mentions something to one person then suddenly the person gets paranoid and thinks their privacy is at stake to me, they are probably doing something wrong and going to hurt their loved one.
if another someones boyfriend happens to be in complete agreement with this type of privacy and paranoid feeling and takes steps against his own loved one (creating another desktop for example, taking ones phone wherever they go even to the bathroom, etc) doesn't that mean he himself could also doing something wrong possibly as well?? to me it does and for this reason i am writing. i said i was going to trust until i don't have reason to and it seems right now i dont but these actions sure as fuck aren't boding well with me right now.
Chickies, boys who don't share with you, in my opinion have something to hide, or are probably not mature enough to be with you or are fucking shady womanizers. End of story. Drop em like its hot.
16:17
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
naughty naughty jungle of love!
Current mood: energetic
Valentine's Day weekend. What can I say? Actually not much due to loved one censorship. ;) He dont want me writin. It started out great and ended great. Gordo Rockets is still my hero and still to me "Gordo the Great." Mr. Gee I think loved all his gifts. He made me some awesome dinners, gave me the sweetest gifts (the Louis Tiffany he snuck off and bought me the book so I would remember it always, how thoughtful!) and words of love. Yes LOVE...origami butterflies, doves, Central Park visit, our special internet song and watercolor, movies and 105 kisses later and and I feel generally happy and content and that is exactly how I should feel. It was the best ever.
I don’t know what is up with my new band. I think we might break up or something, there seems to be some issue, but no one else has enough experience with this kind of thing to really resolve it, or give advice either that or they aren’t telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We all know I'm no new jack to band relationships and I have learned more than a thing or 2 about this bizness. lol.
I hope that’s not the case cuz I have been attempting to work my ass off with this band. Getting my shit together, getting to practice, bum leg, sicknesses and all, and writing songs, which they don’t seem to notice due to their impatience in “getting things done”. I love them though and no matter what happens as long as they don’t use my songs…I wish them the best of everything with/without me and will support them either way. I’ll write more later!
"
Wagon Wheel
I am listening to the Garden State soundtrack. FACE! Sm-mack to the face! Gordon and I broke up last night. He is moving to CA in 2 weeks to follow his dreams of becoming a famous filmmaker. I am sad. I will miss him. I wish things could be different. Here I thought “oh he just needs time and we can be together after he gets his life together and gets the things he strives for cuz he really wants to be with me and things will work out for the best and we will eventually be together. I stopped buggin him about not callin or seein me, I wasn’t not trusting him or asking lots of questions, I was changing it for us, for the better of both of us so we could be happy together with the little problem things gone. Now he is leaving for good, figures this would happen.
To think of all the things his mom said to me and how it all turned out in the end is just a killer. I am happy for him because I love him but I am sad for me cuz I love him. Obviously we can’t carry on a relationship that many miles away and it’s not like he wants to run off together, nor would I. Songs I hear make me think of him, films I see, places I go, I want that to die out eventually. So no more hurty gurty. I suppose I could stay “friends” with Gordon and visit him when I go to CA to see the Dreaming and my CA peeps, and wait it all out til he realizes how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but no-o-o-o I am not like that. I unfortunately can’t see him just as a friend at least not now and by the time I can, he will probably no longer have his phone or will be living somewhere else or in a relationship probably with someone else that he really loves and wants to be with and I will frankly never call him or talk to him again. That’s my luck. Then again I could just be thinking negative. The positive of that seems highly unlikely right now though, sorry Jack Handey. Gah! Argh!
I am celebrating my birthday this Friday night at Dusk on (W. 24th -bet 6th & 7th) and since I only have one day with him for the last time, I asked him to invite his friends too so he can say goodbye to them. I thought it was funny that our last time together he wants to spend it with other people but he IS saying goodbye, and I don’t and have never been/been made to feel more special to him than anyone else he knows or is friends with. I will not be this nice again. My heart is breaking but that’s ok, I know I will be fine eventually. I just need time to get over him. As much as I might want it, it isn’t meant to be, not now and maybe not ever.
Redhead? Yeah, its looking positive. The weather is horrid and I have a lot of fixing to do with my hair. I have been a little mean to it, just a bit right? with all the dying etc. Yesterday I was shocked and awed by the way my hair looked. I cried inside the salon I was so miserable! I cried leaving the salon while walking in the snow, to the beauty supply store, cried inside the store, outside and all the way back to my house. I then set to re-dying my hair myself.. and started painting my walls to take my mind off it, if I could have done that originally I might have saved myself the $75 I spent and gotten the painting done earlier. $75 for hair I absolutely felt horrified by!!! Goddamn it. Now, I am ok with it til it starts to get pinkish. I just have to keep reapplying this semi perm color every couple weeks. I’m a hair whore, what do you know of semi permanent right?
All I know is right now I cannot allow myself to grieve for the loss of anyone, I have no time to be worrying about that. I can’t make space in my head for that negativity. I have to keep on keeping on. I have goals to accomplish. I have places to go, people to meet, things to see. Did Madonna cry over Jellybean and become incapacitated when they broke up? NO. Did Jesus become unable to go outside and show his face when he knew couldn’t see Mary Magdalene again? NO. Did Ghandi cry when he left his family for his larger purpose? NO. Therefore in following the footsteps of strong people, I will not mourn this or allow this to get to me right now.
Dude, my boss is so funny. Under the comments for the drafting of contracts, he put “chew our food” among them. LOL. I just wrote to Joel, I am hoping he writes me back. I will send him periodic follow up emails til he does.
Gah~! I am gonna get some lunch. I need it. I hope everything goes smashingly at my get together but if I go by the horoscopes today it spells they won’t. I wont let that crap happen to me. I am gonna have a good time by hook or crook! Ever wonder where ”by hook or crook” came from? Well, I’m here to tell ya…
"by hook or by crook" -----> (Phrase Origin) this phrase formerly meant "by fair means or foul", although now it often (especially in the U.K.) means simply "by whatever necessary means". The first recorded use is by John Wycliffe in _Controversial Tracts_ (circa 1380). Theories include: a law or custom in mediaeval England that allowed peasants to take as firewood from the King's forests any deadwood that they could reach with a shepherd's crook and cut off with a reaper's billhook; rhyming words for "direct" (reachable with a long hook) and "indirect" (roundabout); beginners' writing exercises, where letters have hooks and brackets are "crooks"; and from "Hook" and "Crook” the names of headlands on either side of a bay north of Waterford, Ireland, referring to a captain's determination to make the haven of the bay in bad weather using one headland or the other as a guide.
Write lata nigga…
Love, me
07:16
Friday, March 18, 2005
alright alright, I'm goin I'm goin!
Current mood: determined
How funny it is to hear people of similar backgrounds discuss other people in a sort of prejudiced way. To hear an Asian person say I don’t like boys with chinky eyes..or so and so isn’t cute cuz they have chinky eyes and then another Asian person say well I don’t like Chinese men, and someone mention how cute Japanese men are is funny to me, because I happen to know the people passing these opinions, and they are Asian. Japanese and Chinese and Korean. I also know of Latin people, myself included who only like certain other Latin people. My sister for instance is a known Dominican hater, but she is Puerto Rican/Cuban. Most Cubans don’t like Dominicans or Puerto Ricans due to their dark skin color, yet there are some Cubans who would be mistaken for African in this country. It’s all very funny and strange to me and frankly ignorant.
Greg and I spent last night listening to Big Whig, Against Me, a couple of other cool bands and watching my Privacy Policy video til we were falling asleep. He thinks I should make a book and sell all my diary entries to publishers, he says I am a really good writer. I don’t know why it is but when I watch myself perform on tape or video it makes me move or shake in some weird way. Not every moment of film but certain moments. Does anyone else get that way? I didn’t call Craig last night though I was tempted to. I kept composure and decided since I didn’t make a decision yet, there is no need to involve him right now. I am meeting with producers ..4 and 5 tonight and tomorrow. Stalking Ronson, Kalt and Dmitri this weekend. Planning tonight - getting paint for my party, beer, going dancing with Matt, and tomorrow morning going to the gym and doing my hair red and nails for next week. Woot!! Excito to el maximo! Next week. Next week. Neeeext weeeeeeek. LOL. Hmmm, I think I am gonna make plans, cuz there is a chance that maybe Gordon wont come for my b-day. He is very very busy in a transition phase and doesn’t want me around toooooo much. (breaks into song) “Freedom!” “I wont let you down but please don’t give me up.” “You got to give what you take” If he does come then he can either join me in my plans, or he can go off and do his own thing, like he has done. So that’s good then. I should make a list of people I really want to see and be around for this birthday. I also kinda want to be alone for my birthday with someone special. Hmmm. I don’t know what I am gonna do for it yet. It’s a Friday night, Saturday and Sunday celebration! This time next year, I will be with someone who has the money to treat me to whatever I want for my birthday. What? Wha nigga? Come back and looky for yo’ delf then sucka soul!
Then again I have always been a simple kinda girl, not wanting too much. Yeah right! J/k, cmp. So I don’t know its only 1:28p and I have already completed my work for the day! Argh. I hate when I am ahead like this, this early. Makes me want to eat or worse…have a cigarette. Or worse!…I don’t know YOU think of something worse. At least you know who isn’t around to bug me. God, I despise that girl. She asked me to lunch this week and I told her “we’ll see” when I really meant “fuck no, I hate you!”. My assignment is ending so I might not even be here. With me here they are all caught up and don’t need anyone now. I should have worked less. Lol. I am pretty confident about the future prospect of working in NYC again, like Jade mentioned I will meet a lot of people and hopefully get involved in even more creative outlets.
I wish I could hang out with Matt Clare. Why did I think of him just now? Weird. I guess I have been thinking about him a bit lately, I should call him, but, what would I say? HI! This is Gordon’s girlfriend, I got your numba from him hope you don’t mind, so…how YOU doin? Yo, you might wanna to chill sometime? Maybe get a drink or something? That would sound weird to him I’m sure, though perfectly innocent. Maybe it would be weird to anyone. Yo, maybe I’m just weird?? I could write a friggin book though couldn’t I? I always have so much to say when I write. But who would read it I wonder? Could someone’s life be described as a “good read”? Truth is, if you add all my entries up from the last 2 years alone it’s about 50-70 pages. I really want to get the movie made. Wow! The next contract to draft is “Clare Logistics” how is that for co inky stinkydence! I gotta go. I will write more later!
Love, me
08:12
Thursday, March 17, 2005
scrolling through billionaires...
Current mood: determined
I write during the day at work but can't post until evening so here is yesterday's and todays postings. Thas right homie I roll online to the billionaire dating site, and what?
3/16/05
What’s up? I am at assignment right now excited about tonight. I hope this will end up being something even though he lives in Brooklyn and I will have to travel a bit to get my stuff completed. He is producer ..4, seems to have a good working style, I like his music taste, and great attitude but then again you can’t judge a book by its tagline, cover or even reviews lately, so we’ll see. Last night was a good night. I had a great time. I am getting everything done I need to. I am gonna have a paint party at my house this week! I think it will be nice to reconnect with old peeps. GT’s yo to the 9’s muthabeeotch!
Spoke to Mike and he is all about doing tracks to make some money. I’m gonna ask him if we can finish a quick album of short, catchy, punchy 3 min stuff to give to publishers as a songwriting team. Now if I could just get the Wendell on board. How will I sell the idea to his stubborn ass?? I am also going to do some major clubbing this weekend and try to talk to the big DJ’s and ask them whom I can contact about working on these tracks and getting them out there to artists. Can’t hurt to try I always say, and I have the balls to go after pretty much anything I want. I may have been fucked in the love cards, but I still have my balls of steel, lightning brain, and ripe tatas for business. The great thing about where I am, starting over fresh is that I am not doing it for the first time. And law says if you can accomplish something once, you can almost always accomplish it twice because you have the experience/knowledge as well as the belief that you can do it, because you already have. First to be hit up Friday & Saturday, Dimitri From Paris, Mark Ronson and Lee Kalt.
3/17/05
So last night I met with Craig and it was eye opening and some surprising fun. He like the others made mention of how he could tell how serious I am and how determined I am and how he wants to be a part of that. Yay! I still don’t know who I am going to choose to work with though. I feel like I should narrow it down to 2. Then I met up with Jade and we had a fun time at the Coffee Shop surrounded by who else but sweet (and I mean that) Mary Kate and Ashley or however u spell it. I was feeling very animated and Jade wasn’t turning me down on it. Lol. Later, outside I just so happened to mention that I wanted to get a piano player for the tracks and I just so happened to be talking to Joel Simon! Google him. JSM Music. Anyway, he said to get him some songs and he would like to help me out etc and to get in touch with him cuz he liked my style and Jade’s hat. ;) And what you got?
So how awesome is that? I was saying to Craig in Brooklyn how my goal is to document my life music and get it all on CD and then maybe sell the songs for movies/commercials etc.. and there I am in NYC talking to JSM about sending him stuff, the commercial music king. Talk about turning your desires into reality. I am not going to lose this chance. I have to get this CD done, I may feel that I have lost the band passion but I definitely haven’t lost my drive or my skill in being able to get it across to the right people!
Maybe Wendell and Mike might even get on board if I tell them of Joel’s interest. Hmmm. Could I use that as my bait? These are the times I wish I could speak to Gordon, he knows above all how to use people for his own needs. He does it almost without thinking about it, his selfishness affords him that. A skill I need to cultivate alot more of. Well let me try to think of it on my own. What is the essence/advantage of the situation? What can I do to get what I want? What am I willing to do to get it? How can I use him to get me to where I want to be? These are home thoughts not work thoughts. Planning, planning, plotting.
What else. I am finding myself hating my co-worker.
love, me
08:35
Monday, March 14, 2005
"let go" "just jump in there's beauty in the breakdown"
Current mood: devious
My worrying wasn’t unfounded, Gordo wants to spend a little less time together. I am ok with that. We talked and there is "a plan" so I am feeling really good about us for the future. Today is a great day. Studio to go see some more producers about working on this album. I found out that I am going to be kept on this assignment til possibly end of June. Interesting indeed. In no time at all I will be whizzing those contracts.
I am researching plugins for Pro Tools and DP3, Then meeting up with friends, finally. LOL. What the hell do I care what NME thinks is the coolest band on the planet? God, myspace is becoming so “mersh”. City of God is one of the best movies! Anywho, I will try to write more later.
love, me
10:11
Thursday, March 10, 2005
love that chicken!
Current mood: pensive
Solo career at last. I might actually start working with Mike again on music for commercials. We’ll see, that’s always exciting and fun to do.
I am frustrated and happy and pissed all at the same time. I don’t feel friendly on the outside at all. I feel like there is so much going on around me and I am not being a part of it. I don’t know what exactly I want to be doing, but when I look at my friends’ blogs, I notice something is missing from mine, besides entries. Have I become mundane? Am I not wearing my party hat often enough? I feel like I have spent so much time at work and with my man that I have not done anything with my guy friends. I miss them. I need to force myself to get out more this weekend. I don’t know if it is that I just want to get fucked up beyond “lights out for her” or if it is just that I feel ..fuck I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I’m getting on cuz after awhile doing drugs and drinking and partying every night away just doesn’t have the same allure that it does when you have really nothing else to do with your life and you’re just dreaming about doing shit with other people who dream about doing shit but you all end up getting fucked up and doing nothing together-alot. I am just anxious to get shit finished I guess. I don't like to leave shit hanging. I hate that shit. I want the things I set goals for to start happening. Nothing’s overnite, I know. But whas the point of makin fuckin plans if you aint gonna roll on it like a train? It’s not like I am not doing the work that’s for sure but in the same token I don’t know if it should be all work and no play. I am not playing with the other children, I am not paying attention in class and at sleepy time I am planning and plotting. Yet, somehow commercials and myspace make me feel like I am losing out.
The other thing is money, I have enough, I have what I need and then some but I still feel as though I should be saving more of it. I don’t want to just go on a cruise or something but I have the urge to spend a lot lately. Why? It must mean something is missing for me right now, no? I just scarfed down some my fave Popeye’s, new home of shrimp, as well apparently. Who says you only got to eat chicken? CMP!
Gordon is another thing, once he starts working too how the hell are we gonna keep it
together? As it is I have a hard time seeing him if I am not going there. It’s only been 4 days since I have seen him. We had a great time in DC. I wish I could be as calm as him about our relationship, but eh I worry.
I think I might take a class or 2 in June. Keep me out of the house and in motivational stride. God I am so smart. Sometimes I don’t want to be sensible. I should go away but where? Why the hell do I feel the need to rest when I have just gotten over with my leg and have only been working for a week and half?? Plus then I think, well I cant go, I have a lot to do here. Er, I don’t know the butter is melting..or hardening, my dick is though. I will try and write more later on.
Love, me
13:45
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
privacy please???? how about being honest instead?
Current mood: frustrated
i am in full agreement with anyone who seeks or requests their privacy from people they don't know or people who have some ability to harm them or their status such as the government or credit card and various insurance companies or internet establishments that are less than reputable, etc..
i however do not feel that way about people who seek to be private from their loved ones..or significant other. I am sorry but if you need to be "private" or feel someone is invading your privacy then to me that is reason for mistrust. Trust doesn't breed mistrust, to me privacy does and extreme privacy at all costs looks to me like a shady fucking deal.
if "someone" gets wind of something that is going on that probably shouldn't be and mentions something to one person then suddenly the person gets paranoid and thinks their privacy is at stake to me, they are probably doing something wrong and going to hurt their loved one.
if another someones boyfriend happens to be in complete agreement with this type of privacy and paranoid feeling and takes steps against his own loved one (creating another desktop for example, taking ones phone wherever they go even to the bathroom, etc) doesn't that mean he himself could also doing something wrong possibly as well?? to me it does and for this reason i am writing. i said i was going to trust until i don't have reason to and it seems right now i dont but these actions sure as fuck aren't boding well with me right now.
Chickies, boys who don't share with you, in my opinion have something to hide, or are probably not mature enough to be with you or are fucking shady womanizers. End of story. Drop em like its hot.
16:17
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
naughty naughty jungle of love!
Current mood: energetic
Valentine's Day weekend. What can I say? Actually not much due to loved one censorship. ;) He dont want me writin. It started out great and ended great. Gordo Rockets is still my hero and still to me "Gordo the Great." Mr. Gee I think loved all his gifts. He made me some awesome dinners, gave me the sweetest gifts (the Louis Tiffany he snuck off and bought me the book so I would remember it always, how thoughtful!) and words of love. Yes LOVE...origami butterflies, doves, Central Park visit, our special internet song and watercolor, movies and 105 kisses later and and I feel generally happy and content and that is exactly how I should feel. It was the best ever.
I don’t know what is up with my new band. I think we might break up or something, there seems to be some issue, but no one else has enough experience with this kind of thing to really resolve it, or give advice either that or they aren’t telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We all know I'm no new jack to band relationships and I have learned more than a thing or 2 about this bizness. lol.
I hope that’s not the case cuz I have been attempting to work my ass off with this band. Getting my shit together, getting to practice, bum leg, sicknesses and all, and writing songs, which they don’t seem to notice due to their impatience in “getting things done”. I love them though and no matter what happens as long as they don’t use my songs…I wish them the best of everything with/without me and will support them either way. I’ll write more later!
"
A blast from the past to shed light on the present?
"1-22-05
Hey whats up? Its me. I just got back from my FL trip with Gordo. We had a really nice time. He is great. I love him. He is also weird and I don’t like him. I have mixed feelings about him. I think everything was great though overall and he seemed to have missed me which is nice to know. We spent our first night in hanging out with his family. We went to this really cute French restaurant and equally hated our waiter. A very pompous Virginan named Hundley. LOL. Later we went up to the rooms and they were really cute and wooded and quaint. The bathroom shower was lacking in the water pressure I so love but it was overall a very comfortable sleep with my Gordo Rockets. I love sleeping next to him. We did not have any sex but the most wonderful foreplay. I don’t know what the hell happened to me but I got very emotional and he didn’t push me the sweetheart that he is.
Thursday am we went to the glass museum in Winter Park. It was soo beautiful. All the work that Louis Comfort Tiffany did is just awe-inspiring. What an amazing artist. Later he spent the afternoon getting his tux, hanging with the guys and getting ready for the wedding. I met Ward and Co as I was outside eating with his stepmom, Yaz and his dad. That evening we got ready for the rehearsal dinner which went off without a hitch and snuck up to the room in the middle for a little semi nooky-nook. Friday the wedding was gorgeous and they looked as though they should be getting married. If anyone. I don’t think anyone should. Lol. Later Friday night Gordo and I went to dinner and talked about the possibility that he is lacking in motivation in his life and I don’t know whether I can stand that anymore. I am hoping when he returns from Seattle he will work harder for himself.
1-29-05
Saturday he took me to the airport without so much as a weep or a tear..lol.. and we went our separate ways. I knew I would miss him but vowed to trust him while he was gone and give him space. Saturday night after the flight, as I was settling into my home on the night of probably the worst blizzard of the winter and the coldest day we had had, I began to cook some pasta for myself and mistakenly spilled the entire pot of boiling water/oil onto my body! I was badly burned and had to rush to the hospital. I was in so much pain I could barely hold it together and peeled my pants off with the skin! I cant even say how difficult it was to walk over a foot of snow with a leg that barely moved, and in the worst of a blizzard of the year over to the EMT van. As I was crying uncontrollably wondering how and why this would happen to me, I could not for the life of me piece it together. I had had so many big plans. Ready for action and ready to return - renewed and refreshed and begin with my band, my life and my new job. Then we arrived and I was overhearing about some girl who was being harassed in the Emergency room yet barely listening as they took my blood pressure and temperature.
From there they ushered me fairly quickly into the Emergency area where they placed me on a bed writhing in pain…shortly thereafter some strange guy walked into my room and touched my breasts and tried to go down my pants. I pushed him away mumbling with my free arm as he pressed hard against my burned leg! The passing nurse asked me if he was with me, I screamed no and to please get him away from me as I couldn’t even defend myself! One goes to the hospital to be taken care of and feel safe not to be molested while in pain and unable to escape the bed. Had it been my arm or stomach in pain I could have still gotten up but I could not walk or move my leg at all.
Later, I called my family hoping for at least a ride home or some sort of assistance in getting to bed and to tell them what happened and person after person I called, no one was available. I could not believe that I had no one there for me in such a troubling time. I called Gordo and told him what happened and asked politely if he could come to take care of me. What? He acts like he doesn’t even know me right? But he is all I had at the time. He yelled and complained. He asked wasnt there anyone else? If there was why would I bother him? He came on the next days train after much prodding by me and took care of me for 2 days. It was nice seeing him again, but I felt like it had been under unfortunate circumstances, which he also mentioned over and over. Plus he was scheduled to fly out to Seattle for the next week and a half where I should have known I would barely hear from him. Then instead of him, his mother came to watch over me and give me some products from her Nikken business, which I think have helped greatly. I think she may care more for me than him. Lol.
I expected more from Shahn only to be let down and I will never talk to him in the same way again. Selfish. Johnny came to care for me for more than 2 days and I will never forget him for that and Matt sent me the most beautiful flowers and teddy bear from Canada. God, what a great guy. Meanwhile, no call from Gordo, my own boyfriend, who is on myspace daily meeting people from Seattle no less and has no time to call his girlfriend to talk to her for more than 10 minutes to see how she is doing after being burned and out of the hospital.
I am not going to think about that or him for that matter. I have no time for people who have no time for me anymore. He may care for me but he certainly has a weird way of showing it when he isn’t around me. I don’t need that. My goal now is to get off this bed, out of my house and back on my feet and back on my path. I am not going to let this get me. I may have a scar the size of the rock of Gibraltar but it will be there to remind me of all I have learned on this harrowing leggy journey. Extreme loneliness, loss of trust in family and friends, and betrayal, I have been betrayed by my family and people I thought were my friends. I now know that I am stronger than I even thought possible. I know that I will not let anything get in the way of what I want in the future and that I am a really talented amazing individual who is capable of feeling great pain and adversity and overcoming it. I couldn’t for the life of me discern why this would happen to me or for what reason something like this happened. Why I would deserve this pain and I wondered and wondered for so long in those first hours. I have now learned why and fuck, I am happy about it. BRING IT ON BITCHES!!! "
Hey whats up? Its me. I just got back from my FL trip with Gordo. We had a really nice time. He is great. I love him. He is also weird and I don’t like him. I have mixed feelings about him. I think everything was great though overall and he seemed to have missed me which is nice to know. We spent our first night in hanging out with his family. We went to this really cute French restaurant and equally hated our waiter. A very pompous Virginan named Hundley. LOL. Later we went up to the rooms and they were really cute and wooded and quaint. The bathroom shower was lacking in the water pressure I so love but it was overall a very comfortable sleep with my Gordo Rockets. I love sleeping next to him. We did not have any sex but the most wonderful foreplay. I don’t know what the hell happened to me but I got very emotional and he didn’t push me the sweetheart that he is.
Thursday am we went to the glass museum in Winter Park. It was soo beautiful. All the work that Louis Comfort Tiffany did is just awe-inspiring. What an amazing artist. Later he spent the afternoon getting his tux, hanging with the guys and getting ready for the wedding. I met Ward and Co as I was outside eating with his stepmom, Yaz and his dad. That evening we got ready for the rehearsal dinner which went off without a hitch and snuck up to the room in the middle for a little semi nooky-nook. Friday the wedding was gorgeous and they looked as though they should be getting married. If anyone. I don’t think anyone should. Lol. Later Friday night Gordo and I went to dinner and talked about the possibility that he is lacking in motivation in his life and I don’t know whether I can stand that anymore. I am hoping when he returns from Seattle he will work harder for himself.
1-29-05
Saturday he took me to the airport without so much as a weep or a tear..lol.. and we went our separate ways. I knew I would miss him but vowed to trust him while he was gone and give him space. Saturday night after the flight, as I was settling into my home on the night of probably the worst blizzard of the winter and the coldest day we had had, I began to cook some pasta for myself and mistakenly spilled the entire pot of boiling water/oil onto my body! I was badly burned and had to rush to the hospital. I was in so much pain I could barely hold it together and peeled my pants off with the skin! I cant even say how difficult it was to walk over a foot of snow with a leg that barely moved, and in the worst of a blizzard of the year over to the EMT van. As I was crying uncontrollably wondering how and why this would happen to me, I could not for the life of me piece it together. I had had so many big plans. Ready for action and ready to return - renewed and refreshed and begin with my band, my life and my new job. Then we arrived and I was overhearing about some girl who was being harassed in the Emergency room yet barely listening as they took my blood pressure and temperature.
From there they ushered me fairly quickly into the Emergency area where they placed me on a bed writhing in pain…shortly thereafter some strange guy walked into my room and touched my breasts and tried to go down my pants. I pushed him away mumbling with my free arm as he pressed hard against my burned leg! The passing nurse asked me if he was with me, I screamed no and to please get him away from me as I couldn’t even defend myself! One goes to the hospital to be taken care of and feel safe not to be molested while in pain and unable to escape the bed. Had it been my arm or stomach in pain I could have still gotten up but I could not walk or move my leg at all.
Later, I called my family hoping for at least a ride home or some sort of assistance in getting to bed and to tell them what happened and person after person I called, no one was available. I could not believe that I had no one there for me in such a troubling time. I called Gordo and told him what happened and asked politely if he could come to take care of me. What? He acts like he doesn’t even know me right? But he is all I had at the time. He yelled and complained. He asked wasnt there anyone else? If there was why would I bother him? He came on the next days train after much prodding by me and took care of me for 2 days. It was nice seeing him again, but I felt like it had been under unfortunate circumstances, which he also mentioned over and over. Plus he was scheduled to fly out to Seattle for the next week and a half where I should have known I would barely hear from him. Then instead of him, his mother came to watch over me and give me some products from her Nikken business, which I think have helped greatly. I think she may care more for me than him. Lol.
I expected more from Shahn only to be let down and I will never talk to him in the same way again. Selfish. Johnny came to care for me for more than 2 days and I will never forget him for that and Matt sent me the most beautiful flowers and teddy bear from Canada. God, what a great guy. Meanwhile, no call from Gordo, my own boyfriend, who is on myspace daily meeting people from Seattle no less and has no time to call his girlfriend to talk to her for more than 10 minutes to see how she is doing after being burned and out of the hospital.
I am not going to think about that or him for that matter. I have no time for people who have no time for me anymore. He may care for me but he certainly has a weird way of showing it when he isn’t around me. I don’t need that. My goal now is to get off this bed, out of my house and back on my feet and back on my path. I am not going to let this get me. I may have a scar the size of the rock of Gibraltar but it will be there to remind me of all I have learned on this harrowing leggy journey. Extreme loneliness, loss of trust in family and friends, and betrayal, I have been betrayed by my family and people I thought were my friends. I now know that I am stronger than I even thought possible. I know that I will not let anything get in the way of what I want in the future and that I am a really talented amazing individual who is capable of feeling great pain and adversity and overcoming it. I couldn’t for the life of me discern why this would happen to me or for what reason something like this happened. Why I would deserve this pain and I wondered and wondered for so long in those first hours. I have now learned why and fuck, I am happy about it. BRING IT ON BITCHES!!! "
Monday, September 22, 2008
Letters to God 4
Today is effing horrible. Looking forward to tomorrow. I am having a REALLY tough time today. I am almost suicidal but not so fast, I am not going to let the wicked one have his way - not just yet. I just need to find a way to get through this valley with bad back, neck, legs and serious obstacles that seem almost impossible to face.
I will remember other obstacles that I have obviously overcome, because my ass is still alive.
1) Brandon deserting the car and having to retrieve the information and vehicle to go on MY record.
b) Brandon getting us evicted and having all the negative info go on MY record.
2) Being tied down and having a gun put to my head and being forced to stay silent while crying and trying to get for Brandon to help.
3) Chris pushing me down and having to care for myself and be in pain in every time I moved.
b) Chris treating me horribly for much of our relationship.
4) Being homeless and having no money to eat, or a place to shower or go to the bathroom.
5) Being physically abused by my stepfather - having a rocking chair thrown at me, being dragged by my hair, being beaten with a belt and welting, being emotionally abused hearing daily how I was so stupid, and so dramatic, and such a weakling.
6) With Herman being surprise attacked and thrown in front of a car, hurting my arms, head and chest.
7) Being sexually abused in the hospital after 2nd degree burning my leg and trying to get treated there having to walk through the snow during a blizzard.
8) Leaving home as a teen and being unsure and scared of my future or what lay ahead of me "out there" away from home.
9) Feeling alone and scared in the middle of Newark after being raped and thrown out of the car.
10) The countless times I felt abandoned and unwanted by so many people who I reached out to that just were not there for me.
11) Being tricked by Tanya to come to her house so the boys could abuse me and molest me while she watched and they laughed.
12) Being threatened to be beaten up by Tanya, and countless other people.
13) Having people lie about me and say things that were not true. Like that I was an alcoholic in 6th grade, that I was a drug addict in 8th grade, that I was a slut - sleeping around in HS (when I hadn't even lost my virginity or drank) or that I was speeding when I wasn't, or that I am at fault for an accident when I clearly wasnt.
14) Not being allowed on the Path train for fear of being stabbed if I got on. Being attacked with Bastion for me "being/looking like" a Muslim after 9/11.
15) In 1998 and 2007 having my music stolen twice. Having my music rights taken away from me and being forced not to record, or release any songs or any pictures of myself as the artist.
16) Having naked pictures of me taken by a friend leaked out onto the internet after my record release.
17) Having my mom not believe me about things that my stepfather did to me when I was young.
18) Being made fun of daily at the bus stop by kids in my neighborhood.
19) Not graduating HS and being hospitalized for my suicide attempt.
20) Being completely crushed, smothered and suffocated under 100s of people at a concert.
I am sure there are more.. but those are just some. I don't want to go on... I think after writing that, I will somehow get over this horrible days events of people lying about me and once again losing everything I've worked for. Blessed are those who mourn, right mah nukka? Luke 6:20
I will try to praise...
With that, my letters to God for Sept.
9/28/08
Dear Jehovah,
If I am in the waiting room what can I do but patiently wait? This is YOU we are talking about. Lord I am in your hands. I am going to try harder to let go and to just trust in you. Thank you for trying me and making me stronger though I had not seen it til recently.
Thank you for never leaving me alone and giving me wisdom and guidance through wonderful others in my life who genuinely care. I have amazing friends. AMAZING! You answered my prayers to this plea - I thank you and fall in reverence!
I also see that its up to me to be independent and act independently for your will. Thank you for putting in MY heart to leave a negative situation and for giving me the strength and self respect to go and to not even desire looking back for someone who so obviously was not on the lookout for you or an "us".
I am going to try Math once again Lord. Perhaps you want to light the way? Right now my career possibilities are lawyer, scientist, missionary, systems analyst, biotech, computer hardware, or related science jobs with a microscope. Lead the way Lord, close the doors that need to be closed and open the ones that you want to open to get me there. Thank you so much for everything! Please bless my family, friends, enemies,
and K., C., L., Reb, An, As, and C's mom and family. Deliver us from the evil one, in the name of your Son, Amen.
9/27/08
What have I lost? (A quick recognition of investments in feeling I have made and lost)
I have lost a friend and close relationship that had good and very bad qualities.
I have lost a car and good driving reputation possibly.
I have lost my security blanket and retreat protection.
I have lost $7,000 in earnings from 2005.
I have lost neck/back mobility and youthful aggression, looks and confidence.
I have lost the ability to trust a man to be safe and honest.
I have lost the desire to date someone emotionally unavailable or ungodly.
9/25/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much for my sight and being able to go to a worship with the girls. I was nervous about prayer and saying your name and them not know it, needlessly. I realized I too have pride and selfishness holding me back from many things on my way to you. I always ask you to bring me closer, not realizing it is through these painful experiences that you actually get me there! You are making me stronger Lord! Praise you! Your will be done with this situation of lies and coverups on the driver/police side. Pleas help me through this. I am going to try once again to give you the glory and by Friday I will no longer wear the neck brace and let my neck hold up this head. I will work on healing and not forgetting you. I do not forget you when I am well and healthy, I am just motivated to do better for myself.. AHA! I see. Its not about that is it? Oh Lord I am lucky to have you. Please forgive me for acting a fool. Why is it hard to submit? Please forgive me. In Jesus's name. Amen.
PS Please help Am. find her partner who will lead her where you want her. Corey to lean on you, learn to say no and to be bold in her approach. As. with her car situation and her Visa which is taking forever for her. In your time but give her patience for it, Lord. Help her brother and K. and J. find their career paths leading to your glory. Please help Reb and A. as they are in grave need Father for your comfort, support and love in their situation with Ash's sickness and R. taking on double duties! Please give An. a passion strong for you to witness and help her to rid herself of procrastination habits that no longer serve her in serving her students. If it be your will for me to find a good job and a car safely to ride in so be it. Thank you Lord. Amen.
9/23/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you again today! My day has been a true nightmare, but I am thankful for some things and thought I might look at those instead while praising you, one of which was giving me the strength to walk to the Hermosa Beach Police Dept and the money to take the bus back. Two, was the beauty of today and the blessing of Steve (from my Feminism group) to give me a ride to class so that I could actually not miss it and our great meeting/discussion on Immigration afterward. It was a nice gesture and I gave him some gas money.
Three was speaking to Karin and once again her rallying to my weak ass side in helping by having my small voice heard by the police tomorrow and her seemingly not giving up on me as I let go and prepare to lose my apt and sell my things. Four was speaking to Julie (from Oceanography class) about a possible job lead and her unreligious words of encouragement which were, get this, "do not doubt yourself or give up this situation to Satan." "You are better and stronger than this." She said that! Praise you Lord. I needed to hear it.
Five was I got to apologize for being judgemental to the 2 Orange people in my class and give you glory by being accountable. Six, was that I did not get raped on campus though injured and alone waiting outside as there have been some of 3 or 4 recently nearby? Seven, was I had no inclination to speak to Chris or compulsion to call him or smoke, and this is a very tough time for me-usually prime to give in to bad impulses.
Eight is thank you, thank you,thank you for less pain today that the previous days! I feel truly blessed and horrified at the same time. I am again putting it all in your hands and having faith. This situation is literally the only thing on my mind right now, so all this I pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/20/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this wonderful day and messages from the congregation not to give up to have faith in you through this hard time. I just realized I am under attack. This is part 1 of the persecution I am always asking to prepare me for. I see now that you have allowed all this to happen for many reasons not just 1. I am realizing finally that i need to give the outcome to you and just have faith while working to be proactive in my own pain.
Since my baptism, I am just realizing I have been under spiritual attack! I did not know or see it until tonight. Almost got me, but.. praise you! I will give you the glory and praise. Even my accident is to work for that end. I will use the limbs I have left to still go where you lead. I want to hear your voice like David. Please keep me strong Father under this attack, give me wisdom to act and know. I trust in you. I submit. The doctors are ignoring me. I have no one to help. I am being attacked by the police. I trust in you.
Please bless A. in his recovery from surgery and give E. your love so she may love herself and her body and stop hurting herself. Give her acceptance and comfort Lord as only you can. All these things I pray, beg, & give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/19/08
Hello Lord! Praise you! Thank you for giving me the use of my legs and arms still and the accident not being as bad as it could have been. You saved me. Lord, I really want to beg you once more for the last time to please put an answer in Chris's heart that is plain and direct for what the status is moving forward. Please let us stop this merry go round of indecision and wishy washyness. Lord, I just spoke to Chris and praise you! No answer is an answer. He said "well, I don't know" once more! Once more he does not know. I deserve better treatment with someone stronger purposed and more thoughtful/generous. He deserves someone he can joke around with/insult and have sex with anytime he wants who doesn't believe in God or have any strong morals. He can "not know" with someone else now. He spent more time with his new roommates anyway. This is a pattern for him and I am over it. Instead of putting it in his heart, you put it here, it is in mine. "I don't know" means "No." because it definitely wasn't "Yes, I want to work on things, Yes, I want you and Yes, I want to change the things that aren't working and HERE IS HOW I THINK I WILL DO IT." Also, I was not going to be getting back with him immediately anyway or having sex with him.
"Doubt is a don't". :) that was enough for me. I am tired of his confusion, lack of purpose (except with his amount of work and skating) and his generally mismatching qualities to mine. We do not have the same values, we do not want the same things in life and we don't even believe in the same commands of God. This person has had me "on hold" for about 2 months since July when he said he didn't love me anymore, then changed his mind and expected life and limb turnaround from me toward marriage and now again has said he does not know. I am not wasting anymore of my time and whats worse is prior to this he treated me absolutely horrid and despicable. I gave him chance after chance. Says a lot about where I was and where I am now. Nonetheless, I have given enough of my hope, my body, my energy, my time, my miles, my love, my understanding and patience. I am done. In your sons name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
9/19/08
My last two weeks.
Last week, today I was flying back to CA in a Virgin A place at 11:30a and sitting in the airport reading - furious about the shrinking state of privacy in this country.
Monday the 8th I took a flight to the east coast to see my family, move my things and prepare for the school year in CA. I got in at 630a - my Dad picked me up. While driving back he mentioned how in love he was with his wife and how they are closer now than they have ever been. How sweet, I thought. Until her birthday, Tuesday, the next day. I took the car earlier to get some boxes for the move and my dad had remained sleeping all day until my return at 3:00 so he could pick her up from work.
When his wife returned home (which he so "loves") from work he proceeded to speak down to her and yell at her and left the house. What an jerk, I thought. I will never marry or stay married to someone who would treat me that way on my birthday or be so selfish & belligerent. I thought of Chris for a moment and then my father came in with birthday cake candles and 2 party favors, slammed them on the table and said "there! happy fucking birthday!" and walked out to his studio disappearing for the rest of the night. This made me also think of Chris and his current gift giving habits, and complete lack of gift giving and really sweet generosity since our first breakup.
I recognized similar selfishness and excuses with "I have work, I'm stressed from work" and Dad's "I'm in the studio, I have to record" which is generally sleeping in my Dads case and laziness or buying himself something instead in Chris's case.
Never again will there be a shopping spree or nice dinners or even out dancing with Chris, those methods of attracting someone are long gone and will be for some "new" person he meets in his future and takes on this role - then she too will get eventually the same treatment as me.
So.. I celebrated with Myra and she drank heavily and talked about my father being against her taking self defense courses. My brother had made her a cake and was practicing in the kitchen with my cousin Mike. She had gifts from strangers on the table and made dinner for herself and us and went to bed possibly drunk and sad. Then late in the evening Oscar their dog, ate my only pair of glasses and I was enraged and tried to take his life.
Wed was spent fretting about packing. Fretting over the move, what would happen my things (what if they don't make it there!? What if someone steals them? etc), determining what to pack, I felt alone and scared. Then later that night some friends from church called and shed light and prayed with me. Afterward, I read Karins' words (Colossians 3:1-4) from the night before and realized, "this is just stuff!" "I must let this go?! "I'm not here for this, this is not more important than my relations with my family or my new path". From that time on I packed not even worrying if it would get to CA. On Thursday I got to actually spend time with my grandparents, mom and aunt and uncle and the children. We had an awesome dinner and I had cuddle moments with the g'rents. Late Thursday night I was notified I would not have a ride to the airport so I scrambled trying to find someone to take me. I begged Shahn. He picked me up at 5:30a and we were off to catch my flight.
Thank goodness I did not marry Shahn or have kids with him, I thought to myself as he described his flesh and blood daughter as "yeah, I have a kid I like sometimes and spend time with her a couple night a week at the park" and talked more of himself, his architecture designs and projects and other women he has than the child. This seems to be the extent of Shahn's capability of being emotionally available to a person or child. His wife is one "of convenience" and he has "outside relationships"> Not for me. One good thing about Shahn and this was one of his better qualities in our relationship previously, is that his wife knows he has these. He doesn't hide it or keep secrets. Shahn is honest, sometimes brutally honest but it was greatly appreciated and respected.
I got on the plane and saw Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction/Lollapalooza fame. I arrived early from my flight in CA and my phone was dying and no ride home scheduled! Desperate I thought of who could be reliable to call? Chris? No, because I had not heard from him since Tuesday and last we spoke he had said briefly in passing "No, you know I don't have a car, but if I can pick you up I will do my best".
Anyway, later that day he said he felt very angry with me that he had "skated all the way there and I did not even call or wait for him after arriving early". Here I was, having arrived an hour and half early, with things i couldn't carry or protect, having one call to make, not even knowing if he would be picking me up, not having heard from him since Tuesday and him never actually saying for sure he would be there, on top of me knowing he did not have an available car, he fully expected me to not only read his mind that he would come, but also wait for him, when I did not at all think he would be there. Really, reflecting back on my previous posts of him would YOU have called this person who also did not have a car at the time? I called Corey who was already circling the airport.
Nonetheless, I felt bad that he went there so I drove to his new house to comfort him and to apologize. Instead of forgiving me and understanding my point as well, we got into another argument and this caused large problems for us lasting til after a truck hit me after which we've stopped talking completely. I do not know what all the meaning in this is but I give the outcome to you, God, and pray for your will. This last Monday through Thursday were spent planning, unpacking (all packages arrived safely) and attending school, and basically trying to get on with my life. I hope God will put it in Chris's indecisive heart to decide what the hell he wants, and am getting tired of asking. Once and for all - no hard feelings - but please, man, give an answer, and let's have some action either way.
9/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for me making it home from NY safely! I beg you today for your messages to be made clear to me. I do not understand everything I read and 2nd guess. I am goin to keep a list of these so I may research them.
Jehovah please continue to put it in mine & Chris's heart to be good and kind to one another without looking at the past. It's hurting our friendship. Do you want us to be friends? Please help me remain focused only on you, your law and school and working toward a career in whatever your will for me is.
I would like to pray for C. that she have peace from the evil one and get strength from you to fight.
I would like to pray for you to remove Chris's compulsive need to be sexual and to be able to see how that hurts you. Open his eyes to why he is doing is a sin. If you do not want us to be together please give me a sure sign. Remove him please if you want us to be apart. I am drifted off from you in my relationship with him, and he is not a godly righteous man after your heart, of that I know for sure. If you do want us together please give me a real sign that I can see! He puts work before you, he puts pleasure before you and he has very little faith that I can see. He is still in my life and we are sinning and I don't want to, and I don't think he really cares either way. He is lukewarm toward you. You are the seed that fell on thorns for him, choked by worldly worries and desires. I don't want to sin against you, I know I was bought at a very high price and I appreciate that sacrifice. Remove him completely so I may not sin with him. Put it in his heart to make a decision!
I am sorry for judging the orange group. It was wrong of me and I am glad I now have a conscience to realize these things, thank you Lord. Please give me discernment in determining right info from wrong/false doctrine. I can be prideful and stubborn and want to be rid of these shortcomings. Help me work on them please. Be with me today Jehovah and allow me the feeling of your presence and see your wonders, I beg you. You alone are mighty,you alone are great and I offer myself to you to determine your will for me. I trust in you. I give the outcomes to you. Your servant, in Jesus's name, Amen.
9/9/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise to you! I have so many things to be sorry about and thankful for today. Thank you for teaching me a lesson in humility and me being able to remember why I came and that the glory for everything is to go to you, not me! I know I forgot this and my life is at stake! Please give me the wisdom to keep this in my heart in the future. I am sorry for behaving cruelly and murderously toward the dog Oscar. This behavior was uncalled for and not the actions of your loving servant and Christian. I did not exhibit the fruits of the spirit and still speak of him with hatred in my heart. Please forgive me Lord. I will forgive him. I need to remove this anger and show kindness.
I am sorry for using your name in vain , I do not know why I continue doing this! I will work harder. This is against your law and I want to live by the law AND meditate on it night and day. Psalm 1.
I want to pray for my family to come to know you, but if it is to be through me, i have much more work to do on myself! I do not want to follow the world and that now means not using "credit" so be it. I know if I am in step with you I will be out of step with the selfish and fleshly desires of the world. Please help me Lord. I do not know my next steps. I need you. I need you! I need your wisdom and eyes to show me what i need to see and the strength to help me fight it. I beg you. I do not want to fall away or be misled. I do not want to let you down as I have. I want to get closer to you and love you and learn more about becoming like Jesus through reading the Bible. All these things I pray, beg, & give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
PS I am sorry for:
hurting Oscar verbally, suffocating him, choking him, holding him down, using the towel and shoes on him
using your name in vain
not giving you glory in those terrible actions
not witnessing your good news in my 2 opportunities
being envious, proud and angry and foolish this week
forgetting that it is all in your hands and letting go of controlling outcomes
9/12/08
How do I feel?
hopeful, blessed, curious, focused, nostalgic/introspective
hopeful because I feel supported and driven to succeed in what I am doing in LA. I am not feeling unsure or inconsistent. I've made a commitment and I am sticking to it.
blessed I feel so lucky and so blessed to be in my position. I want to spread the joy and blessing to those who are not.
curious because, can i keep it all up? i need to keep going strong. i need to just be myself and do me without selfishness or self consciousness.
focused because i feel driven once more and focused to make the best of where I am and what i have.
nostalgic/intro because i like I have learned a lot from Forest Home and from my trip home to see my family. I see I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be but reflecting and meditation on it will help me put it in perspective.
GOALS THIS WEEK
look for work
study for tests
organize papers
follow-up car and tune up and car wash
get into studio
9/7/08
Dear Jehovah,
Good morning! I love you. Thank you for blessing me with money and a quick flight to go back home with. You put it in my dads heart to help. This has been a tough and scary decision. Today I will try to remain internet free and in nature - eat well and exercise. Today I will work hard at not smoking or calling Chris. Please show me your will for us and for me with a job! I need you Jehovah. In Jesus's name, Amen.
9/4/08
Praise to you today My Lord! I am sorry I have not written in the last 2 days though I have been conversing with you. Jehovah thank you so much for your blessings. Though I am going blind and I am fearful I put everything in your loving hands. This will be your teachings to me. Where are you Lord? Am I making you smile today? Have I been kind? I have been swearing a lot at drivers. Have I been loving? Understanding? Honest? Moral? Non-sexual? To most of these I would claim yes. Lord please watch over me and give me strength to carry on. Please let your will be done in regards to new positions and moving here for school. Take me in the direction of your way. I need to speak to Pastor Steve, please give me courage.
Thank you for no pain today and having the money to eat food and care for myself. Please let me help others in need. Those who are blind, those who are disabled and those who have been abused. I feel I am truly relating to those conditions because of your compassionate influence in my life and having been through them! Thank you Jesus for saving sinners. I cannot serve God & Mammon at the same time, I know. Show me the way to creating music for you Lord if that is your will. I will reach out to Hope & other musical ones at church also. All these things I pray in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/4/08
How am I feeling?
motivated, blessed, confused, curious, cautious, supported, frustrated, desperate
motivated because i want to do well in school, take care of myself, quit smoking and help others.
blessed because I feel so lucky to be alive and so much the Father has given me!
confused because why do these urges for bad stay? i do not know why i run to the bad sometimes. (Romans 7:15-25)
curious because I am interested to see what the future holds for me and what I can do proactively.
cautious because I am not getting back into that relationship without changes long term and desires voiced and me truly determining that it is what I want and that this is Gods will.
supported because my peeps are keeping me accountable and cking in on me periodically. yay!
frustrated because I keep making silly mistakes! not thinking things through first.
desperate because i need cash! i need to work and make money happen to be able to support myself and a healthy lifestyle.
9/1/08
Father do you think I am lost? I want to do your will and give you glory in all my actions. I hope for your Word to open up to me and to keep you first and foremost in life. I appreciate the opportunity to go to Forest Home Father and share w/ those who put you first and have been deemed worthy by you to spread your message.
Please show me the way to you and shine a light on my path. I love you Lord and do not want to be led astray by false prophets or churches. Show me what you want me to do and where to go please? Your will be done in my life. As I said to you today I only want to worship you and follow your law. Thank you for your beauty and presence. Thank you for your love and comfort. Thank you for giving me a day without pain. Please bless those in need Father who are in remote parts without food, water and shelter to survive and who do not know of your sacrifice and gift. All these things I pray in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
8/30/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today. I appreciate all your wonderful gifts and you keep on giving. Please bless us all we need it. Through the name of your son, Jesus - Amen.
I will remember other obstacles that I have obviously overcome, because my ass is still alive.
1) Brandon deserting the car and having to retrieve the information and vehicle to go on MY record.
b) Brandon getting us evicted and having all the negative info go on MY record.
2) Being tied down and having a gun put to my head and being forced to stay silent while crying and trying to get for Brandon to help.
3) Chris pushing me down and having to care for myself and be in pain in every time I moved.
b) Chris treating me horribly for much of our relationship.
4) Being homeless and having no money to eat, or a place to shower or go to the bathroom.
5) Being physically abused by my stepfather - having a rocking chair thrown at me, being dragged by my hair, being beaten with a belt and welting, being emotionally abused hearing daily how I was so stupid, and so dramatic, and such a weakling.
6) With Herman being surprise attacked and thrown in front of a car, hurting my arms, head and chest.
7) Being sexually abused in the hospital after 2nd degree burning my leg and trying to get treated there having to walk through the snow during a blizzard.
8) Leaving home as a teen and being unsure and scared of my future or what lay ahead of me "out there" away from home.
9) Feeling alone and scared in the middle of Newark after being raped and thrown out of the car.
10) The countless times I felt abandoned and unwanted by so many people who I reached out to that just were not there for me.
11) Being tricked by Tanya to come to her house so the boys could abuse me and molest me while she watched and they laughed.
12) Being threatened to be beaten up by Tanya, and countless other people.
13) Having people lie about me and say things that were not true. Like that I was an alcoholic in 6th grade, that I was a drug addict in 8th grade, that I was a slut - sleeping around in HS (when I hadn't even lost my virginity or drank) or that I was speeding when I wasn't, or that I am at fault for an accident when I clearly wasnt.
14) Not being allowed on the Path train for fear of being stabbed if I got on. Being attacked with Bastion for me "being/looking like" a Muslim after 9/11.
15) In 1998 and 2007 having my music stolen twice. Having my music rights taken away from me and being forced not to record, or release any songs or any pictures of myself as the artist.
16) Having naked pictures of me taken by a friend leaked out onto the internet after my record release.
17) Having my mom not believe me about things that my stepfather did to me when I was young.
18) Being made fun of daily at the bus stop by kids in my neighborhood.
19) Not graduating HS and being hospitalized for my suicide attempt.
20) Being completely crushed, smothered and suffocated under 100s of people at a concert.
I am sure there are more.. but those are just some. I don't want to go on... I think after writing that, I will somehow get over this horrible days events of people lying about me and once again losing everything I've worked for. Blessed are those who mourn, right mah nukka? Luke 6:20
I will try to praise...
With that, my letters to God for Sept.
9/28/08
Dear Jehovah,
If I am in the waiting room what can I do but patiently wait? This is YOU we are talking about. Lord I am in your hands. I am going to try harder to let go and to just trust in you. Thank you for trying me and making me stronger though I had not seen it til recently.
Thank you for never leaving me alone and giving me wisdom and guidance through wonderful others in my life who genuinely care. I have amazing friends. AMAZING! You answered my prayers to this plea - I thank you and fall in reverence!
I also see that its up to me to be independent and act independently for your will. Thank you for putting in MY heart to leave a negative situation and for giving me the strength and self respect to go and to not even desire looking back for someone who so obviously was not on the lookout for you or an "us".
I am going to try Math once again Lord. Perhaps you want to light the way? Right now my career possibilities are lawyer, scientist, missionary, systems analyst, biotech, computer hardware, or related science jobs with a microscope. Lead the way Lord, close the doors that need to be closed and open the ones that you want to open to get me there. Thank you so much for everything! Please bless my family, friends, enemies,
and K., C., L., Reb, An, As, and C's mom and family. Deliver us from the evil one, in the name of your Son, Amen.
9/27/08
What have I lost? (A quick recognition of investments in feeling I have made and lost)
I have lost a friend and close relationship that had good and very bad qualities.
I have lost a car and good driving reputation possibly.
I have lost my security blanket and retreat protection.
I have lost $7,000 in earnings from 2005.
I have lost neck/back mobility and youthful aggression, looks and confidence.
I have lost the ability to trust a man to be safe and honest.
I have lost the desire to date someone emotionally unavailable or ungodly.
9/25/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much for my sight and being able to go to a worship with the girls. I was nervous about prayer and saying your name and them not know it, needlessly. I realized I too have pride and selfishness holding me back from many things on my way to you. I always ask you to bring me closer, not realizing it is through these painful experiences that you actually get me there! You are making me stronger Lord! Praise you! Your will be done with this situation of lies and coverups on the driver/police side. Pleas help me through this. I am going to try once again to give you the glory and by Friday I will no longer wear the neck brace and let my neck hold up this head. I will work on healing and not forgetting you. I do not forget you when I am well and healthy, I am just motivated to do better for myself.. AHA! I see. Its not about that is it? Oh Lord I am lucky to have you. Please forgive me for acting a fool. Why is it hard to submit? Please forgive me. In Jesus's name. Amen.
PS Please help Am. find her partner who will lead her where you want her. Corey to lean on you, learn to say no and to be bold in her approach. As. with her car situation and her Visa which is taking forever for her. In your time but give her patience for it, Lord. Help her brother and K. and J. find their career paths leading to your glory. Please help Reb and A. as they are in grave need Father for your comfort, support and love in their situation with Ash's sickness and R. taking on double duties! Please give An. a passion strong for you to witness and help her to rid herself of procrastination habits that no longer serve her in serving her students. If it be your will for me to find a good job and a car safely to ride in so be it. Thank you Lord. Amen.
9/23/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you again today! My day has been a true nightmare, but I am thankful for some things and thought I might look at those instead while praising you, one of which was giving me the strength to walk to the Hermosa Beach Police Dept and the money to take the bus back. Two, was the beauty of today and the blessing of Steve (from my Feminism group) to give me a ride to class so that I could actually not miss it and our great meeting/discussion on Immigration afterward. It was a nice gesture and I gave him some gas money.
Three was speaking to Karin and once again her rallying to my weak ass side in helping by having my small voice heard by the police tomorrow and her seemingly not giving up on me as I let go and prepare to lose my apt and sell my things. Four was speaking to Julie (from Oceanography class) about a possible job lead and her unreligious words of encouragement which were, get this, "do not doubt yourself or give up this situation to Satan." "You are better and stronger than this." She said that! Praise you Lord. I needed to hear it.
Five was I got to apologize for being judgemental to the 2 Orange people in my class and give you glory by being accountable. Six, was that I did not get raped on campus though injured and alone waiting outside as there have been some of 3 or 4 recently nearby? Seven, was I had no inclination to speak to Chris or compulsion to call him or smoke, and this is a very tough time for me-usually prime to give in to bad impulses.
Eight is thank you, thank you,thank you for less pain today that the previous days! I feel truly blessed and horrified at the same time. I am again putting it all in your hands and having faith. This situation is literally the only thing on my mind right now, so all this I pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/20/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this wonderful day and messages from the congregation not to give up to have faith in you through this hard time. I just realized I am under attack. This is part 1 of the persecution I am always asking to prepare me for. I see now that you have allowed all this to happen for many reasons not just 1. I am realizing finally that i need to give the outcome to you and just have faith while working to be proactive in my own pain.
Since my baptism, I am just realizing I have been under spiritual attack! I did not know or see it until tonight. Almost got me, but.. praise you! I will give you the glory and praise. Even my accident is to work for that end. I will use the limbs I have left to still go where you lead. I want to hear your voice like David. Please keep me strong Father under this attack, give me wisdom to act and know. I trust in you. I submit. The doctors are ignoring me. I have no one to help. I am being attacked by the police. I trust in you.
Please bless A. in his recovery from surgery and give E. your love so she may love herself and her body and stop hurting herself. Give her acceptance and comfort Lord as only you can. All these things I pray, beg, & give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/19/08
Hello Lord! Praise you! Thank you for giving me the use of my legs and arms still and the accident not being as bad as it could have been. You saved me. Lord, I really want to beg you once more for the last time to please put an answer in Chris's heart that is plain and direct for what the status is moving forward. Please let us stop this merry go round of indecision and wishy washyness. Lord, I just spoke to Chris and praise you! No answer is an answer. He said "well, I don't know" once more! Once more he does not know. I deserve better treatment with someone stronger purposed and more thoughtful/generous. He deserves someone he can joke around with/insult and have sex with anytime he wants who doesn't believe in God or have any strong morals. He can "not know" with someone else now. He spent more time with his new roommates anyway. This is a pattern for him and I am over it. Instead of putting it in his heart, you put it here, it is in mine. "I don't know" means "No." because it definitely wasn't "Yes, I want to work on things, Yes, I want you and Yes, I want to change the things that aren't working and HERE IS HOW I THINK I WILL DO IT." Also, I was not going to be getting back with him immediately anyway or having sex with him.
"Doubt is a don't". :) that was enough for me. I am tired of his confusion, lack of purpose (except with his amount of work and skating) and his generally mismatching qualities to mine. We do not have the same values, we do not want the same things in life and we don't even believe in the same commands of God. This person has had me "on hold" for about 2 months since July when he said he didn't love me anymore, then changed his mind and expected life and limb turnaround from me toward marriage and now again has said he does not know. I am not wasting anymore of my time and whats worse is prior to this he treated me absolutely horrid and despicable. I gave him chance after chance. Says a lot about where I was and where I am now. Nonetheless, I have given enough of my hope, my body, my energy, my time, my miles, my love, my understanding and patience. I am done. In your sons name I pray and give thanks, Amen.
9/19/08
My last two weeks.
Last week, today I was flying back to CA in a Virgin A place at 11:30a and sitting in the airport reading - furious about the shrinking state of privacy in this country.
Monday the 8th I took a flight to the east coast to see my family, move my things and prepare for the school year in CA. I got in at 630a - my Dad picked me up. While driving back he mentioned how in love he was with his wife and how they are closer now than they have ever been. How sweet, I thought. Until her birthday, Tuesday, the next day. I took the car earlier to get some boxes for the move and my dad had remained sleeping all day until my return at 3:00 so he could pick her up from work.
When his wife returned home (which he so "loves") from work he proceeded to speak down to her and yell at her and left the house. What an jerk, I thought. I will never marry or stay married to someone who would treat me that way on my birthday or be so selfish & belligerent. I thought of Chris for a moment and then my father came in with birthday cake candles and 2 party favors, slammed them on the table and said "there! happy fucking birthday!" and walked out to his studio disappearing for the rest of the night. This made me also think of Chris and his current gift giving habits, and complete lack of gift giving and really sweet generosity since our first breakup.
I recognized similar selfishness and excuses with "I have work, I'm stressed from work" and Dad's "I'm in the studio, I have to record" which is generally sleeping in my Dads case and laziness or buying himself something instead in Chris's case.
Never again will there be a shopping spree or nice dinners or even out dancing with Chris, those methods of attracting someone are long gone and will be for some "new" person he meets in his future and takes on this role - then she too will get eventually the same treatment as me.
So.. I celebrated with Myra and she drank heavily and talked about my father being against her taking self defense courses. My brother had made her a cake and was practicing in the kitchen with my cousin Mike. She had gifts from strangers on the table and made dinner for herself and us and went to bed possibly drunk and sad. Then late in the evening Oscar their dog, ate my only pair of glasses and I was enraged and tried to take his life.
Wed was spent fretting about packing. Fretting over the move, what would happen my things (what if they don't make it there!? What if someone steals them? etc), determining what to pack, I felt alone and scared. Then later that night some friends from church called and shed light and prayed with me. Afterward, I read Karins' words (Colossians 3:1-4) from the night before and realized, "this is just stuff!" "I must let this go?! "I'm not here for this, this is not more important than my relations with my family or my new path". From that time on I packed not even worrying if it would get to CA. On Thursday I got to actually spend time with my grandparents, mom and aunt and uncle and the children. We had an awesome dinner and I had cuddle moments with the g'rents. Late Thursday night I was notified I would not have a ride to the airport so I scrambled trying to find someone to take me. I begged Shahn. He picked me up at 5:30a and we were off to catch my flight.
Thank goodness I did not marry Shahn or have kids with him, I thought to myself as he described his flesh and blood daughter as "yeah, I have a kid I like sometimes and spend time with her a couple night a week at the park" and talked more of himself, his architecture designs and projects and other women he has than the child. This seems to be the extent of Shahn's capability of being emotionally available to a person or child. His wife is one "of convenience" and he has "outside relationships"> Not for me. One good thing about Shahn and this was one of his better qualities in our relationship previously, is that his wife knows he has these. He doesn't hide it or keep secrets. Shahn is honest, sometimes brutally honest but it was greatly appreciated and respected.
I got on the plane and saw Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction/Lollapalooza fame. I arrived early from my flight in CA and my phone was dying and no ride home scheduled! Desperate I thought of who could be reliable to call? Chris? No, because I had not heard from him since Tuesday and last we spoke he had said briefly in passing "No, you know I don't have a car, but if I can pick you up I will do my best".
Anyway, later that day he said he felt very angry with me that he had "skated all the way there and I did not even call or wait for him after arriving early". Here I was, having arrived an hour and half early, with things i couldn't carry or protect, having one call to make, not even knowing if he would be picking me up, not having heard from him since Tuesday and him never actually saying for sure he would be there, on top of me knowing he did not have an available car, he fully expected me to not only read his mind that he would come, but also wait for him, when I did not at all think he would be there. Really, reflecting back on my previous posts of him would YOU have called this person who also did not have a car at the time? I called Corey who was already circling the airport.
Nonetheless, I felt bad that he went there so I drove to his new house to comfort him and to apologize. Instead of forgiving me and understanding my point as well, we got into another argument and this caused large problems for us lasting til after a truck hit me after which we've stopped talking completely. I do not know what all the meaning in this is but I give the outcome to you, God, and pray for your will. This last Monday through Thursday were spent planning, unpacking (all packages arrived safely) and attending school, and basically trying to get on with my life. I hope God will put it in Chris's indecisive heart to decide what the hell he wants, and am getting tired of asking. Once and for all - no hard feelings - but please, man, give an answer, and let's have some action either way.
9/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for me making it home from NY safely! I beg you today for your messages to be made clear to me. I do not understand everything I read and 2nd guess. I am goin to keep a list of these so I may research them.
Jehovah please continue to put it in mine & Chris's heart to be good and kind to one another without looking at the past. It's hurting our friendship. Do you want us to be friends? Please help me remain focused only on you, your law and school and working toward a career in whatever your will for me is.
I would like to pray for C. that she have peace from the evil one and get strength from you to fight.
I would like to pray for you to remove Chris's compulsive need to be sexual and to be able to see how that hurts you. Open his eyes to why he is doing is a sin. If you do not want us to be together please give me a sure sign. Remove him please if you want us to be apart. I am drifted off from you in my relationship with him, and he is not a godly righteous man after your heart, of that I know for sure. If you do want us together please give me a real sign that I can see! He puts work before you, he puts pleasure before you and he has very little faith that I can see. He is still in my life and we are sinning and I don't want to, and I don't think he really cares either way. He is lukewarm toward you. You are the seed that fell on thorns for him, choked by worldly worries and desires. I don't want to sin against you, I know I was bought at a very high price and I appreciate that sacrifice. Remove him completely so I may not sin with him. Put it in his heart to make a decision!
I am sorry for judging the orange group. It was wrong of me and I am glad I now have a conscience to realize these things, thank you Lord. Please give me discernment in determining right info from wrong/false doctrine. I can be prideful and stubborn and want to be rid of these shortcomings. Help me work on them please. Be with me today Jehovah and allow me the feeling of your presence and see your wonders, I beg you. You alone are mighty,you alone are great and I offer myself to you to determine your will for me. I trust in you. I give the outcomes to you. Your servant, in Jesus's name, Amen.
9/9/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise to you! I have so many things to be sorry about and thankful for today. Thank you for teaching me a lesson in humility and me being able to remember why I came and that the glory for everything is to go to you, not me! I know I forgot this and my life is at stake! Please give me the wisdom to keep this in my heart in the future. I am sorry for behaving cruelly and murderously toward the dog Oscar. This behavior was uncalled for and not the actions of your loving servant and Christian. I did not exhibit the fruits of the spirit and still speak of him with hatred in my heart. Please forgive me Lord. I will forgive him. I need to remove this anger and show kindness.
I am sorry for using your name in vain , I do not know why I continue doing this! I will work harder. This is against your law and I want to live by the law AND meditate on it night and day. Psalm 1.
I want to pray for my family to come to know you, but if it is to be through me, i have much more work to do on myself! I do not want to follow the world and that now means not using "credit" so be it. I know if I am in step with you I will be out of step with the selfish and fleshly desires of the world. Please help me Lord. I do not know my next steps. I need you. I need you! I need your wisdom and eyes to show me what i need to see and the strength to help me fight it. I beg you. I do not want to fall away or be misled. I do not want to let you down as I have. I want to get closer to you and love you and learn more about becoming like Jesus through reading the Bible. All these things I pray, beg, & give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
PS I am sorry for:
hurting Oscar verbally, suffocating him, choking him, holding him down, using the towel and shoes on him
using your name in vain
not giving you glory in those terrible actions
not witnessing your good news in my 2 opportunities
being envious, proud and angry and foolish this week
forgetting that it is all in your hands and letting go of controlling outcomes
9/12/08
How do I feel?
hopeful, blessed, curious, focused, nostalgic/introspective
hopeful because I feel supported and driven to succeed in what I am doing in LA. I am not feeling unsure or inconsistent. I've made a commitment and I am sticking to it.
blessed I feel so lucky and so blessed to be in my position. I want to spread the joy and blessing to those who are not.
curious because, can i keep it all up? i need to keep going strong. i need to just be myself and do me without selfishness or self consciousness.
focused because i feel driven once more and focused to make the best of where I am and what i have.
nostalgic/intro because i like I have learned a lot from Forest Home and from my trip home to see my family. I see I have a long way to go to get to where I want to be but reflecting and meditation on it will help me put it in perspective.
GOALS THIS WEEK
look for work
study for tests
organize papers
follow-up car and tune up and car wash
get into studio
9/7/08
Dear Jehovah,
Good morning! I love you. Thank you for blessing me with money and a quick flight to go back home with. You put it in my dads heart to help. This has been a tough and scary decision. Today I will try to remain internet free and in nature - eat well and exercise. Today I will work hard at not smoking or calling Chris. Please show me your will for us and for me with a job! I need you Jehovah. In Jesus's name, Amen.
9/4/08
Praise to you today My Lord! I am sorry I have not written in the last 2 days though I have been conversing with you. Jehovah thank you so much for your blessings. Though I am going blind and I am fearful I put everything in your loving hands. This will be your teachings to me. Where are you Lord? Am I making you smile today? Have I been kind? I have been swearing a lot at drivers. Have I been loving? Understanding? Honest? Moral? Non-sexual? To most of these I would claim yes. Lord please watch over me and give me strength to carry on. Please let your will be done in regards to new positions and moving here for school. Take me in the direction of your way. I need to speak to Pastor Steve, please give me courage.
Thank you for no pain today and having the money to eat food and care for myself. Please let me help others in need. Those who are blind, those who are disabled and those who have been abused. I feel I am truly relating to those conditions because of your compassionate influence in my life and having been through them! Thank you Jesus for saving sinners. I cannot serve God & Mammon at the same time, I know. Show me the way to creating music for you Lord if that is your will. I will reach out to Hope & other musical ones at church also. All these things I pray in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
9/4/08
How am I feeling?
motivated, blessed, confused, curious, cautious, supported, frustrated, desperate
motivated because i want to do well in school, take care of myself, quit smoking and help others.
blessed because I feel so lucky to be alive and so much the Father has given me!
confused because why do these urges for bad stay? i do not know why i run to the bad sometimes. (Romans 7:15-25)
curious because I am interested to see what the future holds for me and what I can do proactively.
cautious because I am not getting back into that relationship without changes long term and desires voiced and me truly determining that it is what I want and that this is Gods will.
supported because my peeps are keeping me accountable and cking in on me periodically. yay!
frustrated because I keep making silly mistakes! not thinking things through first.
desperate because i need cash! i need to work and make money happen to be able to support myself and a healthy lifestyle.
9/1/08
Father do you think I am lost? I want to do your will and give you glory in all my actions. I hope for your Word to open up to me and to keep you first and foremost in life. I appreciate the opportunity to go to Forest Home Father and share w/ those who put you first and have been deemed worthy by you to spread your message.
Please show me the way to you and shine a light on my path. I love you Lord and do not want to be led astray by false prophets or churches. Show me what you want me to do and where to go please? Your will be done in my life. As I said to you today I only want to worship you and follow your law. Thank you for your beauty and presence. Thank you for your love and comfort. Thank you for giving me a day without pain. Please bless those in need Father who are in remote parts without food, water and shelter to survive and who do not know of your sacrifice and gift. All these things I pray in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.
8/30/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today. I appreciate all your wonderful gifts and you keep on giving. Please bless us all we need it. Through the name of your son, Jesus - Amen.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
After my baptism - I was under attack
Since my baptism, I am just realizing I have been under spiritual attack! I did not know or see it until tonight. In the last couple weeks I have been saddled with situations that caused - many doubts, anger, guilt, sadness, lying, grief over loss, selfishness, loneliness, and finally being physically beaten down once more by the wicked one - through it all, I was definitely wandering away and feeling lost and losing sight of what is in fact righteous and my path. Almost got me, but.. praise be to God! He wasn't letting me go out like that, gave me the strength to drop the indecision, surrounded me with men and women of true faith and example and reigned me back in, teaching me a lesson in the process.
However broken, alone and penniless with the darkness def closing in and walking through the valley of the death, it's time to return and refocus my eyes to the Lord - there can be no other way. It is not too late for me to repent, put on the shield of faith and armor of the Word and the example of Jesus. Blessed be!
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
However broken, alone and penniless with the darkness def closing in and walking through the valley of the death, it's time to return and refocus my eyes to the Lord - there can be no other way. It is not too late for me to repent, put on the shield of faith and armor of the Word and the example of Jesus. Blessed be!
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
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