Take this Anger from Me

This morning I am in great pain and hating Chris for hurting me, because I could be going to the Getty today with the girls had I not been hurt by him. Ugh. I am back at square one. Back in bed and disabled.

I want to have someone break his fucking legs. I know this is wrong to think about but I am so hurt and in pain.

OMG!

Today I am in so much pain! It really just hurts to stand up, walk or do anything! Please put your blessings to me today Lord. For I certainly do need you.

I must apply for disability as I cannot work due to this injury. :(

In Pain but I feel great inside..

Tonight I am experiencing a lot of pain. I was listening to Shawn McDonald and I realized this is a man who basically was like me. He was abused, part of the world, on drugs, deep in pain, empty and kind of searching how to be filled. He was lost and then God found him by some miracle and from there, he just....changed. He has become who he is now, writing the inspiring songs he writes only for and to, God.

I feel changed. I feel I am completely able to understand his lyrics because they talk about life before God and after God.

Frankly, my earthly life is in the shitter, but my spiritual life is growing by bounds and I feel great! So much so I don't even care about all this other "other stuff". When there is a greater purpose, everything else just doesn't matter. Yet, I have fought this and felt so lost, disgusting to God and hopeless for so long. :(

For kicks, since this is mine and mine only..his awesome lyrics
Simply Nothing
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?

So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love

Have You Ever?
Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide

That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there
He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus

Take My Hand
Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You’re what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You

Without You I’m so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I’m falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus

I fall to my knees
And I’m begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won’t You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name

Here I Am
I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

Anywho, some are wondering what happened to the person writing in anger and hatred. About 2 weeks ago I was crying uncontrollably and feeling at my lowest and out of pure exhaustion at my life, my choices, and my person I just asked God to "please help me", over and over and over until I fell asleep and since then... all was different for me. If that is not a miracle, (he has given me a chance, again!)I don't know what is.



My empty space that I have felt since leaving home at 13, and have been filling with men for so long, the wrong men at that, and drink and drugs, sex, and music and "busy-ness" is slowly being filled. I know what that space is for now, and how to fill it. Nothing else will do.

The Bible and I have the same mate in mind

A Repost  4-8-2009

Learning About the Proverbs Man 

I was totally shocked when I read the Bible last night after like 10 years. The man I want now, the qualities I want, and now find attractive is actually stated in the Bible. It's crazy!

The men I used to choose were also in there! Here are some examples from the book of Proverbs:

• Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way; and he who hates correction will die.
• He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, be he who is impulsive exalts foolishness and folly.
• A false witness shall not go unpunished and he who speaks lies shall perish.
• Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, who ever spreads slander is a fool.
• Like a madman who throws arrows, firebrands and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor and then says "I was just joking" (yeah, thats actually in the Bible, lol)
• A proud and haughty man - "Scoffer" is his name - he acts only with arrogant pride.
• He who loves pleasure will be a poor man, he who loves wine and oil will not be rich.
• Do not mix with winebibbers, or gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags.
• Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble.
• He who loves transgression seeks strife, he who exalts his gate seeks destruction.
• Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.
• Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?"

Those have been the qualities of the men I chose. "Lovers of themselves" They are sinners and wicked in God's eyes because they walk away from repentance and do not choose God's way - choosing the ways of sin "they seek death". He describes exactly his feelings about all these things/these types of men, in verse after verse, chapter after chapter.

Here are the male types however, that I have been seeking newly in my heart. The Bible actually describes them just as clearly so I may know the difference. He will be someone who will be/have:

• "by humility and fear of the Lord" (in actions, not words)
  
• "he who has a generous eye"
  
• "he who is in wisdom and understanding"
• "he who excels in his work"
• "he who does not mistreat his father or chase away his mother"
• "he who does not utter a false witness"
  
• "he who owns discretion and is slow to anger, slow to wrath"
• What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. (in actions, not words)
• "he who keeps the commandments" (in actions, not words)
• Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.
• He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and who rules his spirit that he who can take a city.

There it is. In black and white and laid out pretty damn clearly since, oh I don't know, a really long time. Totally blew my mind when I read it.

2 But I had almost stopped believing; I had almost lost my faith
3 because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well.
4 They are not suffering; they are healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like the rest of us; they don’t have problems like other people.
6 They wear pride like a necklace and put on violence as their clothing.
7 They are looking for profits and do not control their selfish desires.
8 They make fun of others and speak evil; proudly they speak of hurting others.
9 They brag to the sky. They say that they own the earth.
10 So their people turn to them and give them whatever they want.
11 They say, “How can God know?
12 These people are wicked, always at ease, and getting richer.
13 So why have I kept my heart pure? Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
14 I have suffered all day long; I have been punished every morning.
15 God, if I had decided to talk like this, I would have let your people down.Psalms 73:2-15

1 Don’t be upset because of evil people. Don’t be jealous of those who do wrong,
2 because like the grass, they will soon dry up. Like green plants, they will soon die away.
3 Trust the Lord and do good. Live in the land and feed on truth.Psalms 37:1-3

Because the imperfection of the earthly justice system and the assumption that the principles instituted by God is slow to react, men think they can continue with their ways unhampered. Influencing as many as they can. But the answer to the assumed passiveness of the Creator is explained also!

He has been very kind and patient, waiting for you to change, but you think nothing of his kindness. Perhaps you do not understand that God is kind to you so you will change your hearts and lives. Romans 2:4

Eventually, people will receive the appropriate wages for the decisions and actions they made. This could be the reason why we are advised to embrace “wisdom” .

20 Wisdom is like a woman shouting in the street; she raises her voice in the city squares.
21 She cries out in the noisy street and shouts at the city gates:
23 If only you had listened when I corrected you, I would have told you what’s in my heart; I would have told you what I am thinking.
24 I called, but you refused to listen; I held out my hand, but you paid no attention.
25 You did not follow my advice and did not listen when I corrected you.
31 So you will get what you deserve; you will get what you planned for others.
32 Fools will die because they refuse to listen; they will be destroyed because they do not care.
33 But those who listen to me will live in safety and be at peace, without fear of injury.” Proverbs 1:20-25, 31-33

I'm going to have another great day.

60 Days - Day 2

60 days

This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 2.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

60 days is not going to be THAT hard because:

• He has his eye on the poor Veggie Grill blonde by now - I'm sure he is trying to be "friends"
  
• He is not going to change
  
• He was an asshole
  
• I plan on keeping busy and focusing on myself
  
• I have God
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• When I am driving, or in the shower.
• When I am sleeping or listening to music.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• remember while I am buying bed sheets that he took those from me
  
• see Dr. Matso
• rest and set up interviews
  
• pray and read my bible
• call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
  
• go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
  
• cook a nice meal for myself
• find a great doctor
  
• call others
  
• sleep

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
  
• Meetings
• Family
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my will
• my love of myself
• my self esteem
• my will to change
• my sense of humor
• my legs at least
  
• pillows, though no bedsheets
• a second chance at a new life
  

6) This is retarded because____________.

• because wtf? do I have to write this down
• because it actually is helping

Holy Revelations Batman - The Notebook!

So last night I watched "The Notebook." Now I want to start this off saying I was not thinking about anything but getting my mind off current situation with a favorite movie and some Tylenol Cold to stop the incessant sneezing and coughing and pain in my back.

However, remembering back to November of 06, I recalled watching this movie one night and not having known Chris very well at all yet, and thinking "Wow, this guy reminds me of Chris, awww, I really want to call him" and I was missing him and not knowing at all why. Chris DOES NOT look like hottie Ryan Gosling. I even told Chris that I watched this movie and the character had reminded me of him, which he took as a compliment after seeing the movie. However, I was also angry at Chris, even back then, for having promised he was going to have some medication sent to me for my back and then omg.. not sending anything or calling. How original...this is how he has been the whole time.

However, watching it again after 1 year and half and knowing what I know about abuse, and having been through all I have. I was fucking shocked to my core. TO MY CORE! I viewed this movie with very different eyes. Eyes that know what abuse is and domestic violence is and have studied their own family history and have a clue as to why they sometimes do the things they do subconsciously and are attracted to the people they are.

The young handsome guy in this storyline, "Noah" is a sarcastic, ordering, abusive jerk with a demanding and overall disrespectful personality. However, I realized at the time of watching this, add some kind of drug/alcohol use and THIS IS WHAT I USED TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. This is what I used to think was confidence and strength and protection and worst of all, NORMAL. =(

They start their relationship by him disrespecting her "No" to go out with him. He jumps on a ferris wheel and threatens his own life, demanding she go out with him. I used to think this was "romantic" but it is actually disgusting and unhealthy to me now. He then proceeds on their date to order her around, define her and makes "jokes" about her (like Chris used to), in almost every scene. They verbally and actually physically abuse one another in another 2 scenes of "love".

The older couple scenes are much less abusive and more tender, leading me to think now the lady is suffering from head trauma and is in the hospital having been with this asshole so long. But.. and this is important---this is a movie.

Real life is much more dangerous when dramatized and idealized by such films. I realized this is what sets ME up for abuse. These first "scenes" in which people say silently "yes, abuse will be ok here".

Chris also disrespected my "no" in our first days of getting to know one another. I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told him I didn't want to kiss him or do anything sexual. I had told him no to seeing him again as anything more than platonic, still disrespecting my "no" he kept on pushing, determined and therefore abusively. My actions, allowing it all, however said "Yes, you can abuse me." "I know I don't deserve more than this." Which I actively believed and still sometimes do. I'm working on that, I have after all left him, have I not? That should say something.

Later taking advantage of me physically/sexually, and knowing I was completely under his power, being disabled AND having no where else to go - he proceeded to hold me down, make fun of me, grab me hard, order me around for 3 months.

In retrospect, I proceeded to get scared, so much so that I ran back to another abusive situation (to Brandon) just to "get away" from Chris. Still disabled, it got so bad with Chris, so soon, that I had RUN AWAY which is why I left his house in February 07. During this time, he would also go to another woman (his coworker, I was gone and leaving him so he needed a replacement but she wasn't a "sure" thing) and abuse progressed between us at an alarming rate, all the while we were both saying/thinking it was "love".

But I did not stay away, because I still believed, that I deserve abuse and was used to only that kind of treatment and did not yet know why. I wanted to hurt myself, turn it inward, and I continued to see him, his control tactics and manipulation seeming like "care" to me and called such by him. He had "given" me his car, (another way to see me, another way to control me) to use for if I needed it and a bed.

Then in May 07, when he had ordered me in the sub shop to "Sit the f-.."(aka sit the fuck down) I saw and felt something then and there. Something snapped in me. "That is it! I do not deserve this and will not accept this anymore." "After 17 years, I don't deserve this anymore. No matter what I have done in my past" and I left him on that day. I did not talk to him, told him he needed counseling and to leave me alone.

However, living with Brandon I still was being abused by a narcissist and I was not completely sure of myself or what was happening. This also happened to be the first time in my life that I actually looked into what may be wrong with me that I have accepted this for so long. 17 years is a long time to have only negative core beliefs.

Chris stopped the abuse temporarily to get me back, then when safe again and I had moved BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, the abuse continued. Though I had been smart enough this time around to get a room separated from him. I did not room WITH HIM as previously. I lived in the house. In July, he threw 2 quarters at me. I kicked him out of MY room and ordered him to get counseling. In September 07 he began NA, and in October he began Abuse Counseling, in November he stated he had been "released" by Dr. Adams and that he wanted to take me to meet his family. We went on "vacation" which he had paid for and a lot of the time was great, however, I noticed abuse toward him from his family and towards the end he began to abuse me again and I was headed for a breakup with him by the time we got home. Vacillating the whole time.

During this time I tried as much as I could to get my own life and proceed in healing myself, my back without direction, and without support. I was going to CoDA meetings which gave me perspective and I had already begun therapy. In late November 07 I decided to move out of Chris's house and into my own apartment. I think I realized even then, that I needed a life away from Chris maybe to subconsciously stop the abuse. I do not know...

On the day I moved into my new place alone - I was soooo scared. I realized I had never been on my own and really truly alone. I ran back to Chris mentally and physically. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to stand without assistance. I demanded his time and attention. I am so glad i moved here. I am glad he pushed me literally one last time, right out the fucking door and out of his life forever. I am glad I can write and say I would never ever talk to that person or see him again in any context or rose colored glasses of "caring". I truly believe I am saving my own life. When I recently spoke to the domestic violence shelter woman and she applauded me for leaving (most of all go back) she asked me to come in and speak.

The entire relationship with Chris I had been suicidal. I strongly believe that will completely cease. In retrospect, I have never actually been or felt suicidal OUT of a relationship, ever, and ALL not some, of my relationships have been abusive. You do the math.

I have done the math, and it is a sad amount left over. The fact that I was attracted to men like this for so long and they are actually idealized in movies like those says a lot about society and also movies made by men.

Anyway, this "Notebook" is a movie, shit in real life doesn't happen so sweetly or smoothly. Women end up maimed or hurt, or dead if there is worse, then worse. I am so glad I watched it last night, I am jumping for joy to be out of my relationship with him and I am hoping upon hoping I do NOT MEET ANYONE else before I have had a chance to get more therapy and figure out this issue with Dad before I get involved with anyone ever again.

60 days

This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 1.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

• I remember us - the early us.
• What if he calls? (nah, he won't call)
  
• I don't have the # deleted yet or have changed the ringer to the self esteem ringer.
• I am afraid of being alone sometimes.
• I used to talk to him about everything (but he didn't really care, now did he?)
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

• Remember us and miss what we had.
• Go through this pain alone.
• Get over him and feel his pain to me every day.
• Wish that he would have been different.
• Ask why/what/where in regards to him
• care at all, when he clearly didn't care about me or us
  

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• When I am driving, or in the shower.
• When I am sleeping or listening to music.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• completely rearrange my furniture to look nothing like when he was coming over.
  
• see Darcy and Karin
• ice and remind myself he is the one who did this to me and therfore does not deserve my good thoughts.
  
• rest and read my bible
• call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
  
• go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
  
• cook a nice meal for myself
• set up interviews for this week/find a great doctor
  
• prepare and write down how I forsee my new life and look.
• call Dr. Matso
• sleep

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
  
• Meetings
• Family
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my will
• my love of myself
• my self esteem
• my will to change
• my sense of humor
• my legs at least
  
• pillows, though no bedsheets
• a second chance at a new life
  

6) This is retarded because____________.

• because wtf? do I have to write this down
• because it actually is helping
• because its by two people who already have love and are married ><
• because this book is awesome