Thoughts of my Delicate Mind: 12/30/12

Personality Test 1 Results and Some New Insights

Striving to Be Knowledgeable Your Score: 10
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance. Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Striving to Be Recognized Your Score: 10
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That’s you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others. What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you’re driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time. Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you’re happy.

Striving to Be Creative Your Score: 9
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Striving to Be Secure Your Score: 10
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and committed in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don’t get credit?) You’re careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about. What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you’re sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn’t conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Experiment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn’t normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no— this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you’ll feel. Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you’re responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Striving to Be In Control Your Score: 9
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what’s best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver’s seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects. What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you become more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them. Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you’re suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you’re given the autonomy to do things your own way.

FIND YOUR TRUE CAREER

1. Be a paleontologist. Dig through your life and pull out the artifacts that point to your strengths. Be open to what you find. Throw no evidence away. Start with one clear detail that you know to be true, and then slowly widen your lens. When do you experience concentrations of positive energy? What are the topics that you find yourself pondering most frequently? What are the ideas that keep you awake at night? What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"? Using right now as the starting point, review your life and look for clues. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different? What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in? What were the significant moments that shaped you? What chance meetings stand out for you? What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years? What show did you never miss on TV when you were a kid?

Complete the below.. see if you can find a pattern of when you are in your strength elements

I feel strong when..
I feel strong when I see a clean database free of randomness and non-categories and missing information.
I feel strong when I am in an organized and clean room.
I feel strong when I talk to people on the phone and they do what I want and achieve a result.
I feel strong when my boss compliments a creative idea I have and uses it or sees my disciplined work ethic.
I feel strong when I am working alone and getting things done and crossed off from a To Do List.
I feel strong when I am sitting in front of Photoshop working with an image of something or working on something at my own pace.
I feel strong listening to music and being in a musical creative environment.
I feel strong after finishing a song I wrote and hearing the completed mix.
I feel strong after having a great show that affected people and they come up to and tell me about their experience of it.
I feel strong seeing my own words or thoughts in print or online.
I feel strong after talking to women about abuse and then watching them come to an understanding or awareness of their own situation.
I feel strong when I am researching and gaining knowledge and awareness in subjects I enjoy or things I believe in.
I feel strong when I have ideas involving entertainment and they come to fruition.
radio show for school, blogging my music performances/experiences, creating mini videos, etc
I feel strong when I get hugs of appreciation from other women.
I feel strong when I am designing clothes or have an idea and a sewing machine for an outfit.
I feel strong when I create an image for a picture I am in, style it and then see the final retouching.

. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different?
I wish I did not hurt my back, maybe I would not have been laid off from LBB.. ? I really enjoyed working from home. I really enjoyed being on my own time frame. I enjoyed being in contact with many people per day but not having to see anyone face to face except for conducting interviews. I enjoyed the fact that I was completing the TO DO in the sense of getting the right person for the job. I really enjoyed my high salary and being able to be at home or in the office. I really enjoyed interviewing the candidates and getting to know them. I really enjoyed my HR Director and the people that I worked with included me, like family.

. What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"?
More like “ambitions set aside now that I am older” –when I was younger No was not an option and I just went after what I wanted. An at any cost mentality. Now that I am older, I pretty much have set aside anything creative..acting, singing, dancing, making music – when the truth is I really enjoyed doing all these things when I was younger and completely stopped doing them! I set them aside because I know from experience they don’t have jobs that pay as well as other jobs. I can not really make a living doing them. I dont take them seriously and I dont actively pursue them..but here I am, unhappy AGAIN..

. What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years?
Everyone says I am a creative person. I am very strong. I am known as a musician. I can do many things. I don’t know if this is even still true or how I could find fulfillment in not making any money at these creative things…if it were, I guess I should do something with performance and music and women.

What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in?
The accident of Hurting my back definitely led me to going to college and finding out that I do not want to sell out my music and creativity for cash. I walked away from my record deal. I decided if I was not happy making music and was not happy in life I must be able to do another type of job. Yet, I walked away from music and creativity entirely. Which is a large part of who I have always been. I still have not found another passion to take its place..

. What were the significant moments that shaped you?

The moment I realized I was made to be hurt by others and unworthy of a defense.
The moment I realized I was “ugly”, “stupid”, “worthless” “bad” and a “loser”.
The moment I thought if my own parents can’t love me or would leave me, then so will anyone else.
The moment that I left home to be safe elsewhere.
The moment I first struck a guitar chord.
The moment that I was beaten and raped.
The moment I first got high.
The moment I watched the music awards and said I am gonna do that too.
The moment that I first let my voice come out “as is” and wholly accepted it.
The moment I first played a key on the keyboard.
The moment that I realized no one will ever help me or be there for me. I am on my own.
The moment I first got onstage alone and performed for an audience.
The moment I realized not everyone is the same. Not every man is the same.
The moment I had my heart broken for the umteenth time and gave up on "love".
The moment that I walked away from my years of struggling in music – trying to meet my own fame expectations.
The moment that I made large sums of money from a random song I barely took the time to write and compared it against my most loved and painstakingly written compositions and realized no one cares about those.
The moment I realized I could spend all the money I made and have nice things or really save it for when I may not have money in the future; and I consciously chose the latter. I continued working though I did not need to anymore.
The moment I made a conscious choice to stop doing drugs.
The moment that I left an abusive bf and realized my pattern of dating abusive men.
The moment Karin came to my house.
The moment I found God.
The moment I realized I am NOT alone!
The moment I surrendered my life to Christ.
The moment I realized I am not my own and was bought at a price and needed to be obedient to the Word of God.
The moment I realized that men should treat me and see me, the way Christ sees me and the tender way God loves me.
The moment I defended myself against harm and demanded change and got it.
The moment I decided I deserve better and went after it.
The moment I walked away from my record deal and decided I was not going to do music anymore.
The moment I walked onto the college campus nervous and determined.
The moment I got my first A and saw my GPA at 4.0 and determined to keep it there. The moment I met a boy who I could really be friends, be myself with and loved God as much as me.
The moment that boy and I kissed one random year later.
The moment that boy asked me to marry him.
The moment I demanded higher pay and decided I would no longer accept less than what I am worth. Degree or not.

How to Know the Truth Once you've reached a place of inner stillness, get a pencil and paper and finish these statements:
1. What I really don't want to know is that... 2. I'm avoiding looking at the fact that... 3. The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is... 4. The thing I'm avoiding thinking about is...

If you have no unexamined thoughts, this won't be difficult; you may find only that your sweater is too scratchy or that your father's jokes are boring. But if you've suffered any of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, you may find anger, fear or grief rising into consciousness as you dig up the raw truth. Don't be afraid of the feelings or thoughts that emerge—remain in stillness and they will soon lessen. Remember, you don't have to DO anything right now, you just have to see the truth of your life with an unsparingly honest eye.

What I really don't want to know is that I now believe that my life is over. I believe there are no more opportunities out there for me and I believe somehow that my age will no longer let me move on.

I'm avoiding looking at the fact that I just don't want to try and FAIL at yet another thing. I see my music career as a failure when most don't. I see that I don't want to try because I don't want to even have or give myself the option of one more let down or failure. I refuse to let myself experience that kind of pain again.

The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is that I have really achieved a lot more than I give myself credit for, I have done much more in my life than my peers and experienced (for worse and best) many more things that most in a lifetime don't get to (and wouldn't want to, in some cases!). I have lived a thousand lifetimes more than my own family members and I will also probably be (though I feel I am "the black sheep" who will "never do anything") the first to actually graduate college (at least my AA!) and leave the state/country.

The thing I am avoiding thinking about is.. what the hell am I going to do now and to secure my future? I am avoiding thinking about my own contributions to lost jobs and failed careers. What did I do wrong?! Or did I do something right? It is all too confusing and painful for me to think about so instead of waffling back and forth in misery and self doubt, I focus elsewhere.. in misery and self doubt :P Can you relate to this at all? What are your answers to the above questions? Thanks for reading!

Thoughts of my Delicate Mind

Friday, January 4, 2013

My Favorite Song

Monday, December 31, 2012

Needs for '13

Some New Insights_2013 Musings

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