Day 9? Smile!!

And smile I will. :) There is it is! Another smile today. Soon more will come. I focus on who I am, all greatness and flaws and all. The only thing that truly matters is what I think. Though I have regressed a bit while playing this game, will I continue to allow myself to believe things about myself based on another person's choices of me or not? Nah. :)

Who am I anyway?
I am God's child and his little chocolate cake. I am His "tender warrior." I am someone who is driven by achievement and results. I am special and unique. I am a great and talented individual with style and a passion for the causes of people suffering.

I am...strong, kind, honest, funny, friendly, sweet/thoughtful, considerate, , determined, logical, analytical, an advocate of women's' empowerment, attractive, a great kisser, authentic, a dancer, a singer, a creator, a writer, a poet, a rapper, a hard worker, organized, charismatic, a muse, a weightlifter, a gamer, an overachiever, a conqueror, a perfectionist, needy w/ affection and attention, a smiler, an anime lover, a caring friend, someone who keeps in touch, someone who cares for the downtrodden, I am someone who needs no one to survive, someone fighting an "incurable" illness, a sister, a beloved aunt and much much more...

I am not…patient, lazy, tempered, a gambler, tolerant of arrogance or liars/BS, tolerant of being touched by people I don't know, perfect, someone who accepts undesirable things "as they are," always happy or content, someone who tries to manipulate others, a schemer, someone who can function in messy spaces, a user, always confrontational when I need to be, someone who is motivated by put-downs or jokes about me, someone who cares about money or status, good at repetitive things and still staying interested in it, a lover of accounting, someone who reads celebrity rags, someone who watches TV, sits in bars drinking, gentle, hangs out shopping with my girlfriends, dancing, acting, writing, or doing music atm :( , a sports lover, making my own ends, a church mouse

How am I?
I am generally friendly, optimistic and I care about other people. People I know and even people I dont know.  I treat children as if they are small adults. I can sometimes when faced with what looks like an insurmountable obstacle become afraid and  feel as if I want to run away. I sometimes do run away from the obstacle and then I return to fight it another "stronger" day. I always try to validate adults AND children.

How am I in the world?
I give to everyone. I am authentic with everyone. I work hard for what I want. I make bank (well, I maaddde bank) I am a student, constantly learning constantly searching for truth. I am sometimes dramatic and like to say shocking things just to say them. I also like to say dramatic things that make people laugh. I am generally impatient. I smile a lot and I am kind to others. I am self aware. I often have a word of encouragement for almost everyone. I am generally a straight forward person with others about my feelings, thoughts, and demands.

How do others see me?
I am memorable and unique. Loved ones say my life is driven by God, music, love, and connection.. idk in what order. Others say they see me as beautiful, extremely intelligent, strong, funny, sexy, passionate, artistic and talented, genuine, outspoken, hard working, sweet and atm probably some are seeing me as isolated and have disappeared. lol.

How do others speak about me?
I don't know what other say now, but idk...people have always just met me and say I am "amazing". :) Ig this is due to the above?

What brings me most passion, fulfillment and joy?
The thing that brings me the most passion and joy is speaking to girls, kids and women about all I have learned on abuse and seeing light bulbs of awareness go off in their heads, seeing disorganized things become organized, sharing the Word of God with others, writing a great song, talking to God and Him speaking back to me in his Word!, :D having the best sex, giving an amazing show/performance and subsequent appreciation from fans, the feeling of being in my sweethearts lap and being stroked by someone I know loves me for who I am (not with words, but actions), lying naked, talking for hours about anything or nothing with anyone, traveling around the country/world...and prob more!

Where do I struggle most?
 I really struggle right now with my illness. It has changed so many things in my life that its hard to even think the same sometimes. I don't know who i am becoming, but I know that God is working on me. I used to struggle with addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, drugs, etc.. but I have conquered all.  I used to struggle with dating. If I was dating recent exp has shown I might still have struggles, but at least I would not pick the wrong type of guy to stay with anymore since I have not lost my awareness.

Where do I need to improve?
I need to improve on my boundaries. I need to improve in the area of "taming my tongue" as it says in the Word. I need to improve on how I deal with my illness. I need to improve on taking a step back when I feel like rushing forward valiantly in battle. :D

What fears often hold me back?
The fears that hold me back sometimes are the core beliefs built in my childhood that will likely take me forever to kill completely. One is the fear of failure, my inner critic (dad) is always in my ear telling me I suck at x,y,z. The other is the fear of being abandoned. The fear that people I care about will leave me.  :'(

What habitual emotions hurt me?
The feeling that ultimately hurts me and I see randomly crop up in rejections is again from childhood and its the feeling of not being good enough, feeling unworthy, feeling second best, and the feeling of depression and behaviors over this that can ensue.

What mistakes do I tend to make?
I tend to make mistakes when I rush through something not thinking and behaving or speak impulsively. I don't really know how to give things teh "breathing room"all the time.

Where do I tend to consistently falter?
I think running away and the habit to run is a falter atm. I think that this is a defense mechanism that I needed and still feel I sometimes need so I do it almost instinctively. It takes awareness to pull myself back.

Where do I regularly let myself down?
I dont always like my choices so I let myself down in them.  I also let myself down when I am in a state of sadness or depression and just have like a feeling of giving up. I then begin the act of throwing in the towel and I go thru the temporary motions of giving up - but what I have noticed over time is.. that  I never actually give up. I restructure, plan and go back and try again. :)

What the hell is ex no contact 30 days?!

Some of you ladies might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I said begin no contact for 30 days and started counting of random days...so I thought maybe I should clarify what it is and why I'm specifically doing it and I do it.

I also want to note there is a specific very sad subset of women who are some how considering using this 30 day no contact rule for some other purposes that are unnatural and foolish, to actually try to get their man to come "back."  Because although it IS true that a man who loves you or is really into you wont want to go 30 days with no contact, if you aren't hearing from him then the man you are "trying to get back" is already gone and there is NOTHING non-degrading you can or will do to change that. That shit doesn't work and never will!

So then what is it? Thirty days no contact, for me, kinda originated from a book I read in 2008 on how to get over a breakup I was having at the time. It's going to be 60 total days, but you have to start somewhere almost always by the end of my 30 days, going 30 more is easier. You know the one where you have been together for 2,3 or 5 years and so you still want to disillusion yourself and keep "trying"?!  Oh you don't know those break ups? Lucky you! :)

Anyway, this works for breakups, but I have found when done successfully-this self-imposed silly "rule" also works for really anyone that isn't interested in you the same way you might be into them as well as any kind of addiction (as infatuation can be) or temporary obsessive thoughts some women can have when dating and wondering ever wondering with all these questions about the guy.

This is the "rule" in a nutshell: 
1) Recommend avoiding any form of contact with your person, even for seemingly harmless things like asking for a sweater back, for 60 days. You'll need a good, patient friend as well as your trusty notebook (that's you bloggie) "to let all the crazy out on" and to help enforce/get you through this; text your friend or another instead whenever you have the really strong urges to get in touch with your person.

IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE THIS
2) Remove all ties and technological ties with your person/ex. This means un-friending, unfollowing, and deleting his/her number, pictures, texts etc. “Research has been pretty clear that sadness following the end of a relationship is much more heightened and longer in duration if you stay involved.

3) During that time you spend time reflecting on your feelings, and get to why you broke off in the first place. Don't sit there and focus on all the good parts of them until later. “Sometimes when people break up, they can romanticize the relationship, remembering all the good times, but conveniently forgetting about what didn’t work. "Pain has a short memory."

Writing two (detailed!) lists: one for all the things you look for in a relationship, and the other for all the ways that your person (didn’t/wouldn't, in the case of dating) meet these ideals. “If he [or she] didn’t bring many qualities that you wrote about in your first list, well, then you have a tangible reminder now that this person isn’t the right match, and it’s time to move on." (esp in the case of dating ladies the guy you AREN'T hearing from anymore usually has already made that list knowingly or not, its comparisons, and he HAS moved on)

It's Called a Breakup cuz it's Broken
https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Another helpful book with real life honest signs helps too. (ftr, we were not going out with each other, but once R stopped talking/texting and suddenly became "busy".. I read the signs and knew no desire for dating me would be happening in his "game" play.)

He's Just Not That Into You
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X

Some REAL TALK quotes girls.
“..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life BEFORE he forgets about you?"

“Don’t be flattered that he says he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you/isnt texting you/doesn't talk to you etc. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” 

“too busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your texts/phone/Skype, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re checking for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no text/game/phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored" 

“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”

“If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.”