Today I am going to see Shawn McDonald. I am driving 2.5 hours out to Camarillo to go see him sing his praises to God-live. He is one of my favorite artists. This is what I am choosing to do with my Saturday. After this I will prob meet up with the girls for Karaoke at Backstage when I arrive home if I'm not too tired.
Chris is choosing to go to see his friend Rosen and attend a special beach memorial for his friend (Rick) who died (overdosed I think). They will probably all get high/drunk and talk about the "good times" with their dead friend. Sadly, having no real solace when they are sober again and their highs are worn off. Eric is in NYC on business. Sandra is going on a date with another guy she met online-probably still talking about Justin today. Di and Robyn are MIA, and Tia is going to talk to Eric and tell him that if he doesn't want to be with her, let her go and stop talking to her and playing games. Shelley is spending time with her family and Vicki is probably working on DTP but also attempting a weekend. (these 2 names will be coming up a lot very soon, stay tuned).
I will write more later. I will have much to say after seeing Shawn, I think.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Update
I am feeling: frustrated, enlightened, confused, content, curious, happy and intense body aches.
Friday night. Home alone. Stretching/icing, reading, and making great food for myself. Starting to hit me now, the finality of it. "Yes, it is really over and you are both really getting "over it"." I feel it may be starting to hit Chris finally that it is a good idea for us to not be together. I am realizing that this breakup is going to take time to get over! A lot of time.
No matter what the relationship was, it was not healthy. I know that for sure as I know my own ass. Why then am I still checking his email? Am I getting caught on the “what is he thinking/feeling” shit? I need to reread the Greg B. book. Did that small amount of contact on the phone, set me back this far? Has the smallest contact made this even harder? Is this just the natural breakup progression? There is so much more healing and learning to go for me.
This chair is totally uncomfortable as is my entire workstation. I am not going to be able to work very long if this is not remedied. I do not know what I want to do with my life. What to study in school. Having this job I am determining I think what I do not want to do. I am learning to be humble. I am learning to talk to people who I have no style in common with. Things I never want to do are look at numbers all day and put physically labels on things. I have realized I hate that. I am giving this work a serious chance, plus I need to money.
Why do I have to be in such a place, physically/emotionally? Di made a comment that I thought was insightful. I have been deciding to stay here because I said I learned something here and feel like I have more to learn, she said what you learned will never go away. You just need to decide where you really want to be. Everything you have yet to learn in life will not just be here in CA, in one place forever. You will keep learning no matter where you are. She is right. I need to decide where I want to live/go/exist. What I want to do. I now know I want to serve God. I know my purpose. I do not know how or where, or when or even the whys.
Having learned all I have in CoDA, I don't need to know "why" all the time. I am not in control of others, this world, esp not of God, and as soon as I realize that, everything is SO much easier. It is God's world, I live in it to be active in his will for me. Do as you will Lord, I am a willing servant. :)
This DTP thing is not going well. I am going to need some training in this. I thought I was great at Word/Powerpoint and Excel however, I am realizing there are things I do not know and need to refresh myself on. I am beginning work and I am scared.
I took a look at college courses and there are so many things I want to study! I do not have money to throw away for school, and I don't want to have to choose one major right now, because I don't know what I am going to be happy doing as a "career". This is so confusing to me. Am I the only one? I feel alone in this. I will pray on it.
Last night I had a dream that Chris was at my church one Sunday and I saw him, and just went to him and asked him to sit with me. We sat together in the front and sang the praise songs with the band, and listened to the sermon and just ..existed.. sharing in the same space. There was no violence, no talking, no blaming, no planning tomorrow. It was completely silent and afterward we talked a bit - he said goodbye and left. So strange.
Tomorrow I was going to see Shawn McDonald but Karin decided at the last minute that she would sleep there (in Camarillo) if she had to, which I do not have money or time to do, so I had to decline. Shawn McDonald!! Hello! He is the one of my favorite, most inspiring men on.. what the fuck am I thinking, dude? Why am I putting other non-important things over that? Why would I miss that? He isn't coming back to LA anytime soon.
I'm going to go anyway. BRB, gonna call Karin. Ah, too late. She is asleep. Gotta stop crossing my legs gah! =) I hope I can get in touch with her tomorrow. Talk about having your priorities in the wrong place. Glad I caught that one.
I took a look at college courses and there are so many things I want to study! I do not have money to throw away for school, and I don't want to have to choose one major right now, because I don't know what I am going to be happy doing as a "career". This is so confusing to me. Am I the only one? I feel alone in this. I will pray on it.
Last night I had a dream that Chris was at my church one Sunday and I saw him, and just went to him and asked him to sit with me. We sat together in the front and sang the praise songs with the band, and listened to the sermon and just ..existed.. sharing in the same space. There was no violence, no talking, no blaming, no planning tomorrow. It was completely silent and afterward we talked a bit - he said goodbye and left. So strange.
Tomorrow I was going to see Shawn McDonald but Karin decided at the last minute that she would sleep there (in Camarillo) if she had to, which I do not have money or time to do, so I had to decline. Shawn McDonald!! Hello! He is the one of my favorite, most inspiring men on.. what the fuck am I thinking, dude? Why am I putting other non-important things over that? Why would I miss that? He isn't coming back to LA anytime soon.
I'm going to go anyway. BRB, gonna call Karin. Ah, too late. She is asleep. Gotta stop crossing my legs gah! =) I hope I can get in touch with her tomorrow. Talk about having your priorities in the wrong place. Glad I caught that one.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Stop crossing my legs!?
I cannot stop crossing my legs when I am sitting in a chair. This is a very bad habit and only serves to make my back in worse condition. I have been told by the Dr. to try to change my posture and stop this thing every chance I get. I have noticed I have attempted to do it more than 20 times today, and those are the just the time I actually have noticed!
Habits. Man they are hard to break, but with hard work and prayer I do believe it can be done. I want to use the camera Chris gave me, but I know I should not.
The bible says the more we think about NOT doing something, or resisting, the more we want to do it. What is in the dark and unspoken will drive us to temptation and sin, what is in the light will be saved.
I;m off to my step study tonight and then reading the Bible, stretching/working out, making food for tomorrow and trying very hard not to smoke. Change my focus when I think of cigarettes. Change my thoughts. Refocus on God? I will try.
I need a massage BADLY! I think I can make it to tomorrow if I ice tonight. We will see.
Habits. Man they are hard to break, but with hard work and prayer I do believe it can be done. I want to use the camera Chris gave me, but I know I should not.
The bible says the more we think about NOT doing something, or resisting, the more we want to do it. What is in the dark and unspoken will drive us to temptation and sin, what is in the light will be saved.
I;m off to my step study tonight and then reading the Bible, stretching/working out, making food for tomorrow and trying very hard not to smoke. Change my focus when I think of cigarettes. Change my thoughts. Refocus on God? I will try.
I need a massage BADLY! I think I can make it to tomorrow if I ice tonight. We will see.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Day 31
In the delivery of my things from our past and Chris's room (I got my fave shirt back!), there was the camera and charger his mom got us and an iphone holder. I wonder why on earth those were in the mix? I'm in a quandary because I want to return them, but I also am not talking to him for 60 days so I can't ask or inquire.
Dude, why do I still check Chris's email? Not as much as before, but still! It only serves to make me depressed, happy or confused. This is why he needs to change his password. I need to resist this temptation. I saw an invite to him from Rosen for Rick's memorial. Eek. I feel there is no way Chris can go to that and not get high. All his pot smoking friends will be there. I have no idea about Rick or how he died or where or what is going on in Chris's life at all. It's probably better that I don't know.
In other news, I am going to sing tonight at Pancho's - yep, "Dont Know Why-Norah Jones" since I did not get to go to Backstage to sing it the other night and stayed home instead reading the Bible. I'm about to meditate right now, and then ice/stretch and make some dinner before working out on the bike.
Here is what I learned in the last 2 days..
1) we are transformed by trouble
Our most profound experiences with God happen when we are at our lowest points "our darkest days".
They bring us closer to him and to building our character through relations with him. "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got."
We are like jewels shaped with the hammer and chisel of adversity. If the jewelers hammer isn't strong enough to chip off our rough edges, God will use a sledgehammer. If that isn't sharp enough to shape us, he will use a jackhammer. Every problem is a character building opportunity. We can learn through what Jesus did when he was in pain and suffering, right?
- Remember that God is good.
- Rejoice and give thanks.
- Refuse to give up.
Every temptation is an opportunity to do good. To do the right thing. Fruit of the Spirit is matured through temptation and opportunities for success/failure. Fruit matures and ripens slowly. God wants us to have the qualities of Jesus. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.
A theory could be that God teaches us love by putting unlovely people in our paths. God teaches us real joy in the midst of sorrow. God teaches us real peace by not making things go as planned, or allowing times of chaos and confusion. We learn to trust in God in those times, when we are tempted to be afraid or worried. Likewise patience is taught by being forced to wait, or temptations to anger or have a short fuse. God causes the opposite situation of each fruit to allow us a choice. We cannot claim to be good if we have never been bad. Or faithful if we have never had the opportunity to be unfaithful. Integrity is built by defeating temptation. humility grows when we refuse to be prideful. Character development always involves choice, and temptation provides this opportunity.
Temptation by the Devil usually works in always the same strategy. It helps to know your weaknesses so you may avoid some temptations that you consistently give in to.
- Refuse to be intimidated. (know you will be tempted and recognize it)
- Recognize your pattern/vulnerability. (when are you most tempted? time of day? where are you tempted? with whom?)
- Request God's help. (he is open 24/7) He said "call on me in times of trouble. I will rescue you and you will honor me"
Monday, May 5, 2008
That familiar fear.. creeps..but is a bit different
History does repeat itself, but with better technology.
RFID laws forging ahead in mostly secrecy. Why is no one opposing this? Because you are focused on surface shit having to do with your candidates manufactured drama. Because you are too busy worrying about your own regional mini-dramas, watching TV, movies and advertisements that promote selfishness and escapism and are drinking fluoridated water that numbs you and makes you too sick to ever think about a revolt or "fighting". You need to be aware to be focused on world issues that by and large end up affecting you (whether you want to admit it or not). Well, and I also happen to think because they are doing it without your knowledge and it is prophesised to happen-it is part of a larger plan.
Of course, one of the largest (and most hated by me as anyone who reads my blogs can tell) companies in the US is also pushing this in products - WalMart (which means all their suppliers are being forced to as well). :( Here are some info links, if you're interested, which, you should be. It is after all YOUR life, or is it?
http://www.rfidjournal.com/article/view/466/1/
http://www.spychips.com/
http://www.worldlii.org/int/journals/EPICAlert/2007/11.html
http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do?command=viewArticleBasic&articleId=111542
http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080328-washington-state-passes-rfid-privacy-law-wheres-uncle-sam.html
http://www.rfidgazette.org/walmart/
Don't want one? Decide against it? Too bad.
This is also being done and determined without your knowledge. Welcome the UNEPS. aka A World Army, under one world government to promote peace and crush enemies of human dignity (the meaning of "human dignity" will not be determined by you personally, by the way). YOU cannot even get a answer at a customer service line from your phone company. YOU are being hijacked at any available opportunity - look around.
http://www.globalactionpw.org/UNEPS/index.htm
(here is an excerpt of this bill )
Whereas, at the 2005 World Summit, over 150 heads of state signed a document which the United Nations General Assembly adopted, declaring that `we are prepared to take collective action, in a timely and decisive manner, through the Security Council ... should peaceful means be inadequate and national authorities manifestly fail to protect their populations from genocide, war crimes, ethnic cleansing, and crimes against humanity.';
RFID laws forging ahead in mostly secrecy. Why is no one opposing this? Because you are focused on surface shit having to do with your candidates manufactured drama. Because you are too busy worrying about your own regional mini-dramas, watching TV, movies and advertisements that promote selfishness and escapism and are drinking fluoridated water that numbs you and makes you too sick to ever think about a revolt or "fighting". You need to be aware to be focused on world issues that by and large end up affecting you (whether you want to admit it or not). Well, and I also happen to think because they are doing it without your knowledge and it is prophesised to happen-it is part of a larger plan.
Of course, one of the largest (and most hated by me as anyone who reads my blogs can tell) companies in the US is also pushing this in products - WalMart (which means all their suppliers are being forced to as well). :( Here are some info links, if you're interested, which, you should be. It is after all YOUR life, or is it?
http://www.rfidjournal.com/article/view/466/1/
http://www.spychips.com/
http://www.worldlii.org/int/journals/EPICAlert/2007/11.html
http://www.computerworld.com/action/article.do?command=viewArticleBasic&articleId=111542
http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080328-washington-state-passes-rfid-privacy-law-wheres-uncle-sam.html
http://www.rfidgazette.org/walmart/
Don't want one? Decide against it? Too bad.
This is also being done and determined without your knowledge. Welcome the UNEPS. aka A World Army, under one world government to promote peace and crush enemies of human dignity (the meaning of "human dignity" will not be determined by you personally, by the way). YOU cannot even get a answer at a customer service line from your phone company. YOU are being hijacked at any available opportunity - look around.
http://www.globalactionpw.org/UNEPS/index.htm
(here is an excerpt of this bill )
Whereas, at the 2005 World Summit, over 150 heads of state signed a document which the United Nations General Assembly adopted, declaring that `we are prepared to take collective action, in a timely and decisive manner, through the Security Council ... should peaceful means be inadequate and national authorities manifestly fail to protect their populations from genocide, war crimes, ethnic cleansing, and crimes against humanity.';
Whereas failed and failing states can become breeding grounds for terrorism, crime, trafficking, humanitarian catastrophes, and other threats to the United States;
Whereas the 2006 National Security Strategy clearly states that preventing humanitarian disasters and strengthening fragile states is in the national security interests of the United States;
Whereas numerous studies have shown that early intervention in humanitarian crises could save millions of lives and billions of dollars;
Whereas the international community spent approximately $200,000,000,000 on conflict management during the 1990s;
Whereas approximately $130,000,000,000 of that amount could have been saved through a more effective preventive approach to conflict management; (must save that money!)
- (1) the United States should use its voice, vote, and influence at the United Nations to facilitate and support the creation of a United Nations Emergency Peace Service (UNEPS); and
- (2) UNEPS--
- (A) should be a permanent entity based at designated sites of the United Nations, should include mobile field headquarters, and should be able to act immediately to address an emerging humanitarian crisis;
- (B) should be comprised of individuals who are recruited from United Nations Member States and who are carefully selected, expertly trained, and coherently organized;
- (C) should be a dedicated service with a wide range of professional skills within a single command structure, prepared to conduct multiple functions in diverse United Nations operations; and
- (D) should be able to provide an integrated service encompassing 120,000 to 180,000 civilian, police, judicial, military, and relief professionals.
Decide you will move somewhere else? Wanna leave?
Well, with the airlines merging to one..wages decreasing, healthcare insurance rates going up astronomically, money as we know it being obliterated, "credit" being of all importance, poverty and crime going up at severe rates and and dangerous security measures taken with the popularity of the tasers that kill and maim... Meh, I'm not even gonna get started on those possibilities...
All I have to say, is thank the Lord I finally believe I am going to be saved. Please make the end come soon, God. Continue to help me be strong with my faith in you God. Looking upward in persecution and with the knowledge of truth for perseverance of living while "the former things are passing away." We will all need you in these crazy ass "last days".
Well, with the airlines merging to one..wages decreasing, healthcare insurance rates going up astronomically, money as we know it being obliterated, "credit" being of all importance, poverty and crime going up at severe rates and and dangerous security measures taken with the popularity of the tasers that kill and maim... Meh, I'm not even gonna get started on those possibilities...
All I have to say, is thank the Lord I finally believe I am going to be saved. Please make the end come soon, God. Continue to help me be strong with my faith in you God. Looking upward in persecution and with the knowledge of truth for perseverance of living while "the former things are passing away." We will all need you in these crazy ass "last days".
God is talking to me
Here is what he is saying.
Chris was not lying about Dawn, Amy or Kristen and also I recently learned Chris did not spend the day with Dawn. He went to hang with Matty. I miss Matty. I was wrong about this. He may have/may not have been lying about the thong and his "day at school" on November 12, unfortunately, because our relationship was based on lies and secrecy from the beginning, one will never know because there is no trust and no "Chris coming clean."
God is saying we have too much to work on for ourselves. We cannot not be together. Do not call him. Do not see him or speak to him.
He is saying "Take it slow! Heal. Breathe. Work on getting to know you and get closer to me. Do my will and give up yours, so I can give you riches."
He is saying "I love you in so many ways."
He is saying "be gentle with others"
He is saying "let go"
He is showing me how to love myself.
He is showing me what boundaries are.
He is showing me what self respect is.
This morning I went to Dr. Carrico and told him that I am appalled at his phys therapy treatment of me and that I cannot move my neck and that he ordered all this treatment and it has worn me out and I feel he wasn't showing that he cared about me individually. Instead of taking any responsibility he simply tried to shake my hand and said "Ok, goodbye." As I walked out I realized, I deserve better. If this Dr. cannot take responsibility for his own actions and apologize at least, or attempt to make amends how could I let him or trust him to "heal" me? Paying him $130 every time I see him! I walked out and I will not be returning.
Today as I was getting the tire looked at for 2nd opinion, (there was no nail found) Karin called me and asked me if I have spoken to Chris at all? No. I do not speak to Chris. I miss him. I thought what we had was "love" but he hurt me and I will not speak to him at this time. She asked me if he had emailed me anything? No. He does not email me. Then she let it go, that was very strange. Maybe she is just determining if I am staying strong in my boundaries...? We then talked about my new job.
I spoke to my boss Vicki today and we got through the conversation peacefully. I'm going to be learning new things in this position and I let her know I am excited.
In the future, if I ever get to the point of savings at work and get my back healed...I want to get a Macbook. Laptop or desktop? Laptop or desktop? I want to get an iphone and make my own apps for it. I remember Chris saying he was going to get me one.. another promise of his unfulfilled, just like my Dad. I have to make sure I stop choosing men like my stepfather from this relationship on. All my fathers promises were lies. He was an addict and a liar. A promiser of many things. God, I could write a book with Dad's failed promises to us and because we "loved" him.. we wanted to believe him. Well, I am not a child anymore and I choose my allowance. The child living inside me (my past memories) will NOT be lied to.
The more I think of my stepfather realistically and honestly and his qualities the more I can compare each man I chose and what he had in common with my Dad. Part of my Step 4. It's eerie. It's fucking scary, sad and it makes me think today I may never break the cycle completely. Which means :( No medical reason, no robbery or car accident, fire or activist killed in action. No stranger killing me, but a domestic partner who will say he "loves me"! What a horrible thought!
I want to buy the movie Penelope. I wish it was out on video because I would rent it today.
Chris was not lying about Dawn, Amy or Kristen and also I recently learned Chris did not spend the day with Dawn. He went to hang with Matty. I miss Matty. I was wrong about this. He may have/may not have been lying about the thong and his "day at school" on November 12, unfortunately, because our relationship was based on lies and secrecy from the beginning, one will never know because there is no trust and no "Chris coming clean."
God is saying we have too much to work on for ourselves. We cannot not be together. Do not call him. Do not see him or speak to him.
He is saying "Take it slow! Heal. Breathe. Work on getting to know you and get closer to me. Do my will and give up yours, so I can give you riches."
He is saying "I love you in so many ways."
He is saying "be gentle with others"
He is saying "let go"
He is showing me how to love myself.
He is showing me what boundaries are.
He is showing me what self respect is.
This morning I went to Dr. Carrico and told him that I am appalled at his phys therapy treatment of me and that I cannot move my neck and that he ordered all this treatment and it has worn me out and I feel he wasn't showing that he cared about me individually. Instead of taking any responsibility he simply tried to shake my hand and said "Ok, goodbye." As I walked out I realized, I deserve better. If this Dr. cannot take responsibility for his own actions and apologize at least, or attempt to make amends how could I let him or trust him to "heal" me? Paying him $130 every time I see him! I walked out and I will not be returning.
Today as I was getting the tire looked at for 2nd opinion, (there was no nail found) Karin called me and asked me if I have spoken to Chris at all? No. I do not speak to Chris. I miss him. I thought what we had was "love" but he hurt me and I will not speak to him at this time. She asked me if he had emailed me anything? No. He does not email me. Then she let it go, that was very strange. Maybe she is just determining if I am staying strong in my boundaries...? We then talked about my new job.
I spoke to my boss Vicki today and we got through the conversation peacefully. I'm going to be learning new things in this position and I let her know I am excited.
In the future, if I ever get to the point of savings at work and get my back healed...I want to get a Macbook. Laptop or desktop? Laptop or desktop? I want to get an iphone and make my own apps for it. I remember Chris saying he was going to get me one.. another promise of his unfulfilled, just like my Dad. I have to make sure I stop choosing men like my stepfather from this relationship on. All my fathers promises were lies. He was an addict and a liar. A promiser of many things. God, I could write a book with Dad's failed promises to us and because we "loved" him.. we wanted to believe him. Well, I am not a child anymore and I choose my allowance. The child living inside me (my past memories) will NOT be lied to.
The more I think of my stepfather realistically and honestly and his qualities the more I can compare each man I chose and what he had in common with my Dad. Part of my Step 4. It's eerie. It's fucking scary, sad and it makes me think today I may never break the cycle completely. Which means :( No medical reason, no robbery or car accident, fire or activist killed in action. No stranger killing me, but a domestic partner who will say he "loves me"! What a horrible thought!
I want to buy the movie Penelope. I wish it was out on video because I would rent it today.
Thanks to my girlfriends.. another little roadmap
Sunday started off a little strange, we went to Calvary Chapel in Torrance and as I walked in Pres Bush was being filmed and speaking to the church. Um, what happened to "separation of church and state"? Wtf?
I told Karin I simply would not stay and would take a cab to our "regular" (we've gone 3 Sundays so far) church in Hermosa. This spawned a conversation I did not think I would have with Karin. We talked about our beliefs at that point. (RFID laws passed May 18, 2008, Last Days, and one world government that was prophesied, etc) We agree on some things, disagreed on others, but its ok. We accept each other as we are.
I was NOT going to worship in a place where the sermon is given backseat to the governments message. Karin and I ended up at our current church today and it was wonderful! The sermon was quite timely and the music as inspirational as ever. I also decided then and there, not only do I want to write music again but I also want to write music to God.
Today was also Diahnna's birthday celebration so we went to Little Door to celebrate but issues abounded over there so went & hung with the "boystown" boys at Hamburger Marys. I want to go back there! She is doing great, I am so happy to see her happy and feeling love. We had a lot of heart to heart and I also met her sweet friend Robin. I loved being there today!
I still can't move my neck and back is hurting much. I am getting one last treatment today (all I can afford from Chris's money to me) from the Chiro and hoping for the best. It is now in God's hands.
However, I do give thanks today for God blessing me with strong women in my life. With that a little list of the encouraging and sweet words I heard from my female friends today.
1) You are a great writer.
2) You want me to give you a massage?
3) I love you.
4) Do not be shy to reach out. We are here.
5) You deserve to love yourself first.
6) You are amazing, never ever forget that.
Ah and this... (good looking out ladies, the Lord knows I had no idea what flags were & actually things I found attracting!)
This is a list of red flags of a potentially bad rel'ship.
1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.
2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one persons fault.
3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My Stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.
4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
5. If he is over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he is financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.
6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
7. This a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true they all decided to side with his ex.
8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
9. If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, RUN!
10. If he is one personality at work or with others and another person alone with you, RUN!
11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it (I will add this includes his siblings as well, and also if he says a lot of bad things about them it is not a good sign).
12. If he's an "expert on everything" and "brags" a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, maybe even you.
13. If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.
14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse in time. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser. Run!!!
15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And, after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
16. If he does something wrong and he says, "That would not have happened if YOU hadn't (fill in the blank), thats another sign of an abuser. Run!!
17. If he is mean to children, pets or animals , recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.
18. It is THIS simple. Anyone who is willing to risk losing someone they love or a job they love to get high on drugs, HAS A PROBLEM you will never be able fix. Run!!
I told Karin I simply would not stay and would take a cab to our "regular" (we've gone 3 Sundays so far) church in Hermosa. This spawned a conversation I did not think I would have with Karin. We talked about our beliefs at that point. (RFID laws passed May 18, 2008, Last Days, and one world government that was prophesied, etc) We agree on some things, disagreed on others, but its ok. We accept each other as we are.
I was NOT going to worship in a place where the sermon is given backseat to the governments message. Karin and I ended up at our current church today and it was wonderful! The sermon was quite timely and the music as inspirational as ever. I also decided then and there, not only do I want to write music again but I also want to write music to God.
Today was also Diahnna's birthday celebration so we went to Little Door to celebrate but issues abounded over there so went & hung with the "boystown" boys at Hamburger Marys. I want to go back there! She is doing great, I am so happy to see her happy and feeling love. We had a lot of heart to heart and I also met her sweet friend Robin. I loved being there today!
I still can't move my neck and back is hurting much. I am getting one last treatment today (all I can afford from Chris's money to me) from the Chiro and hoping for the best. It is now in God's hands.
However, I do give thanks today for God blessing me with strong women in my life. With that a little list of the encouraging and sweet words I heard from my female friends today.
1) You are a great writer.
2) You want me to give you a massage?
3) I love you.
4) Do not be shy to reach out. We are here.
5) You deserve to love yourself first.
6) You are amazing, never ever forget that.
Ah and this... (good looking out ladies, the Lord knows I had no idea what flags were & actually things I found attracting!)
This is a list of red flags of a potentially bad rel'ship.
1. If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.
2. If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one persons fault.
3. If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My Stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.
4. Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
5. If he is over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he is financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.
6. Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
7. This a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true they all decided to side with his ex.
8. If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
9. If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, RUN!
10. If he is one personality at work or with others and another person alone with you, RUN!
11. If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it (I will add this includes his siblings as well, and also if he says a lot of bad things about them it is not a good sign).
12. If he's an "expert on everything" and "brags" a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, maybe even you.
13. If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.
14. If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse in time. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser. Run!!!
15. If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And, after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
16. If he does something wrong and he says, "That would not have happened if YOU hadn't (fill in the blank), thats another sign of an abuser. Run!!
17. If he is mean to children, pets or animals , recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.
18. It is THIS simple. Anyone who is willing to risk losing someone they love or a job they love to get high on drugs, HAS A PROBLEM you will never be able fix. Run!!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
What Addicts Do
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
---------------------------------------------
I am an addict
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.
I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.
Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
Passion
Recovering addict
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
---------------------------------------------
I am an addict
------------------------------
You can't make me clean, though I know it is what you want for me to be. But until I want it. I won't be. You can't love me clean, because until I learn to love myself. I won't be. I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a life style of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experiences. I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look and sound like your loved one. I am not. That person is in a self imposed prison way deep down inside of my being and what you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. I am a addict and my main focus is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of "helping me" falls prey to my addiction giving it more power to shackle me down a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough. So please don't help me.
The only way for the real me to get free is to be free. FREE to fall as far down as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight and find my way back. To break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean you wonder ...
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By not enabling me you will be allowing me to reach "rock bottom". By trusting the process you move over and allow me to find the my own way back. You see, it is in the fight to get free that I will find myself. It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself and the more I love myself ... the more I will start to do to better myself, but I myself, must do this.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance I take when I use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't reach it you are blocking the entrance.
I know you love me and you only want whats best for me ... but that very love keeps you blind sighted to just what truly is best for me and causes you to act from/out of fear and emotions.
Please for my sake don't try to stop me... just let me go ... move out of the way and let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me ... as far down as I have to to reach rock bottom. Don't try to cushion the fall. Just believe in me and trust the process. Pray for me that when I do hit ... it is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn from my mistakes and live.
Passion
Recovering addict
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