6/19
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me today with health and no pain in my back. Please bless all those whom I have met this week going through trials and tribulations of their own, and help them to come to know you and your love for them, Lord that they may find some peace. Please bless my family and friends and your will be done and pave the way for them to know you, Jesus.
Please forgive those who would hurt me. Please help me to stop talking to Chris as he is clearly not good for me at this time and I need to be in safety and remain in safe and healthy relational situations.
Please help Chris to continue to come to know you God, and also to start to bear the fruits of the Spirit, within your time! He is clearly using you to manipulate me and please forgive him for that Jehovah as he truly "does not know what he does".
Please give me the strength to move on and make these hard life decisions that I need to make for myself and my life's future. I leave it all in your loving capable hands, Jesus for only through you am I saved. Give me wisdom to see the error of my ways and continue to "open my eyes so I may see", "open my ears so I may hear" and "open my heart so I may know" your love, purpose, will & direction for me. I apologize for not giving you my 100% today.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks, in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
6/11
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me and giving me one more day of life. Today was beautiful! I feel very lucky to be here. Jehovah please bless Chris and allow him to find you in his sadness and weakness. Please help me to keep you in my heart at all times and act in ways that show your love and mercy. Please help me to fully let go and let you take over as I am weak without you and imperfect. Please help me to stop lying Lord Jesus and continue to show me and teach me your ways so I may gradually become more like you. Please bless my family, friends and help me to find your people Lord so that I may cherish and grow with those who love, appreciate you and your gifts to us. I want to be surrounded in your love, I want to do your will. Chris cried tonight. I do not want to hurt others Lord, I want to love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me. Let your will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven and please forgive my trespasses as I will try to forgive those who trespass against me. Through your living Word and example.
All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Chris,
Amen
6/9
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today. I appreciate you allowing me to see the beauty in my nearby awareness. Please help me to stop lying. Please help me to see, hear and open my mind to your truth and allow me to recognize emotional detachment and lies in myself. Please separate me from the worldly and their ways. Please bring me closer to you. Please allow me to continue to know and get to know you more. Please help me to find your will for me God. I want to do your will only and find your truth whether here or somewhere else in the world. Please help my family, friends and Chris to come to know you and the sacrifices made for them by your son, Jesus. I have invited him to church Jehovah and that is the only time I will see him/speak with him at length for the week. Please help me to remain strong in this. Please bless those who are suffering all over the world as we all need you now more than ever.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/5
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this beautiful day! Please help me to stop lying and exaggerating, Lord. I want to be like you. If I will say "I know you", I must discontinue this. I am glad I am at least noticing it, however now I must work to stop. Please help my family and friends and Chris come to know you Jesus and your sacrifice for us. I want to know your will for me, Lord. I want to do your will. I am sorry I did not speak to you today as much. I did miss you. I will try harder tomorrow. I will not give up on you as you never give up on me. Thank you for your blessings God. Thank you for being my ever loving Father, Jehovah.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/4
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for the day. Thank you for my strength and breath of life at 9am, the time I was shooting for! I feel so lucky today to be yours and wonderful. I am sorry for complaining to you about my mouth pain issue. I know you will never give me more than I can handle, and that there are those with much worse pains and annoyances. I pray that my family and friends come to know you, Lord. What may I do for you tomorrow that would cause a smile, God? Please help Chris to come to learn about you, Jesus. Please bring him away from escapism and pain and closer to empathy and life. Thank you for blessing me this week! I appreciate your messages to me today. The book of Romans and Acts have been very helpful to me in these last weeks. The sermon on you love was the informative I have had thus. As I meet new people, Jehovah, please bring the people into my life who have the qualities you admire and care for your will as I do. Please bring me closer to those in faith, love and kindness. Thank you for giving me insight today and bless my outing tomorrow with Todd and his gf. Also those in other countries without water and human right to worship, please pour out your love, mercy and blessings on them and keep their spirits high. All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, my Savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/2
Dear Jehovah,
Thanks you for my breath today! Thank you for me not feeling pain and hopefully helping that homeless man. I want to die to me. Please help me to be strong in my faith and better prophesy your name and message. I am grateful for Jesus in my life. I cherish the blood and the body. I want to sing to you, Lord. I want to sing your praises. Please help me to get closer to your will for me. I pray for those who are suffering in other countries Jehovah. I pray for my family that they may come to know your gift and undying love before they die. I want to cut the body parts that keep me from Christ in temptation. I would like to pray for Chris Jehovah that he comes to know your strength and love so he may fight his battles. Please help me to forgive my stepfather Jesus by your examples. You are the shining light that keeps me enveloped and gaining understanding. Do not let me fall away. Show your will to me so I may say "Yes, Lord" and follow with resounding praise and obedience. I pray for my friends that they come to know you Lord with humility or just though my acts and daily renewal.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior,
Amen
5/29
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much for giving me today. Thank you for letting me feel no pain today. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to serve you. I am trying to be strong. I am trying not to give in. I don't know my direction but I trust your will for me completely. I would like to pray that my family and friends come to know you as I am. I pray you give them opportunities to find you. Please show me your will for me Lord. Please show me the way. I want to be like your son. I want to come to know him as a best friend, Father. Open my eyes so I may see, please tell me the seed has fallen on fertile ground with me Jehovah. I seek you. I seek you! Please let your will be done tomorrow and help me to forgive those who intend to hurt me. Help me to be strong in my humility and persevere in your living Word.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/20
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless me and help me to be stronger in not telling lies or exaggerations. I would like to pray for my family, friends, and Chris to come to know you Father. I know I am human and have fallen short repeatedly. Thank you for continuing to bless me and allow my eyes to be open so I may still see my wrongs and change them. Please help me to know and do your will for me, God. I do not know why I have been fighting myself for the last 3 days. Help me to steer from laziness and self doubt, please. I do not want to be in a weakened fear state for the evil one to get in. Keep protecting me Jehovah. Keep showing me and lighting my path to you Lord.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/18
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless my friends and family and my current enemies. Help them to find their way to you Lord. Help me to find your will for me and not shrink back in fear. Ground me Jehovah so I may be as rock in doing your will. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me! Please continue to "open my eyes so I can see, open my ears so I can hear and open my mind so I may know" your words. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for mine. I will strive to remember this when speaking to others of you and your love for them and try to treat them as you would have. Please bless and show kindness to those in tribulations through no fault of their own who are being persecuted and nipped at the heels by the Devil. We need you Jehovah. We need the return of the true Jesus so we may have peace and love for all eternity. I look forward to singing your praises tomorrow at church or otherwise!
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Swim Practice
Practice today was crazy! I went underwater like 7 times without holding my nose and I learned just a little more about how to swim to prepare for waves. I thank God for giving me strength.
My instructor says by the time I get out there I should be prepared for some wave action. I have to practice on my own and keep up with getting very comfortable swimming without holding my nose and going underwater.
I'm off to shower and watch the Lakers game.. lets see if they can do some damage this game. They were only down by 4 points!
My instructor says by the time I get out there I should be prepared for some wave action. I have to practice on my own and keep up with getting very comfortable swimming without holding my nose and going underwater.
I'm off to shower and watch the Lakers game.. lets see if they can do some damage this game. They were only down by 4 points!
What a difference He makes...
In June 15th of 2007 (while in a relationship with Chris I took this personality quiz and got the below results.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
I took the same exact test today and these were my results!
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
Want to take this quiz yourself? Find out where you score?
For me this is proof that Love of God and incorporation and usage of His values and principles can really change people sometimes!
Here is my dating profile
Take the Dating Profile Quiz
My Life Rating Quiz
They said my spirit score is higher than average. LOL.
Your Spirit score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Analysis
Your Life Analysis:
Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.
Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.
Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.
Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is dramatic. Continue on your path, do not stray. Continue to reap the rewards which your spirituality brings forth.
Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score is not bad but can be improved. Maintain your current social net, while you try to expand it. Try new things and form new friendships. You will be rewarded greatly.
Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you. http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/advice-love.html
Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.
Dante's Hell Quiz
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
I took the same exact test today and these were my results!
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
Want to take this quiz yourself? Find out where you score?
For me this is proof that Love of God and incorporation and usage of His values and principles can really change people sometimes!
Here is my dating profile
| Your dating personality profile: Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of life that really matters. | Your Top Ten Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Liberal 3. Practical 4. Athletic 5. Big-Hearted 6. Adventurous 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Sensual 9. Religious 10. Intellectual |
| Your date match profile: Liberal - You need a person who has liberal opinions and beliefs. You are engaged by political discussions and would find a liberal viewpoint refreshing in a date. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will be your type. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in shape. | Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Liberal 2. Big-Hearted 3. Athletic 4. Practical 5. Adventurous 6. Shy 7. Funny 8. Intellectual 9. Religious 10. Traditional |
Take the Dating Profile Quiz
My Life Rating Quiz
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  6.8 |
| Mind: | 6.9 |
| Body: | 6.7 |
| Spirit: |  9.2 |
| Friends/Family: |  4.9 |
| Love: |  3.6 |
| Finance: | 6.8 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
They said my spirit score is higher than average. LOL.
Your Spirit score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Analysis
Your Life Analysis:
Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.
Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.
Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.
Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is dramatic. Continue on your path, do not stray. Continue to reap the rewards which your spirituality brings forth.
Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score is not bad but can be improved. Maintain your current social net, while you try to expand it. Try new things and form new friendships. You will be rewarded greatly.
Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you. http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/advice-love.html
Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.
Dante's Hell Quiz
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Extreme |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Moderate |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Moderate |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Low |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Moderate |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Low |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Emotionally Unavailable
Here is a EU quiz.
1 Never/Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Often 4 Always
1. I connect with the emotions of characters in movies.
2. When people feel sad or hurt I can share their emotion.
3. When I look at my partner I feel many different things at different times.
4. I get over being mad right away.
5. I look forward to a long relationship with my partner.
6. When I hear a happy song, I feel happy.
7. I like to laugh and to cry.
8. I can figure out everything my partner is feeling from his or her behavior.
9. I tell people what my emotions are.
10. When I feel scared, I am able to work through it.
11. No matter who I am with, I am clear about who I am.
12. I know my values, beliefs and I stick to them.
13. I'm clear about my personal relationship goals.
14. I am able to talk to my partner about my feelings.
15. I like to see emotions in others.
How to spot an EU Person.
How to spot emotionally unavailable men/women and also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He/She has a girl/boyfriend already
He’s/She's married
He’s/She's recently separated
He/She has a long distance relationship
He’s/She's very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his/her contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from them next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He/She says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girl/boyfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he/she either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behavior or he/she just skirts the issue by saying something vague. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He/She lives with his/her ex
He/She shares a bed with a man/woman that she/he claims is a "friend"
He/She admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s/She's not over his/her ex – openly
He/She says he’s/she's over the ex but he’s/she's quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He/She mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover –
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He/She doesn’t call when he’s/she's supposed to or says she will. Ever.
He’s/She's one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He/She creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He/She has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He/She won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He/She doesn’t come around to your place until late
He/She is resistant to involving himself in your life
He/She talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He/She determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he/she wants to meet up
He/She pushes for an ‘open’ relationship - lots of "space"
He/She never refers to you as a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He/She uses sex as his/her way of demonstrating his/her so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he/she seems to just disappear, and then he/she resurfaces with little or no explanation as if nothing happened.
It feels like he/she blows hot and cold - he/she is moody and non-consistent
He’s/She's quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He/She tells you that he/she has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He/She actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He/She says he/she wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He/She can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s/she's asked, such as whether he can do something with you, or for you is a big drama to get him/her to say yes or no.
He’s/She's got about as much emotion in him/her for your feelings and happenings as a stone
He/She may try and sleep with you on the first night
1 Never/Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Often 4 Always
1. I connect with the emotions of characters in movies.
2. When people feel sad or hurt I can share their emotion.
3. When I look at my partner I feel many different things at different times.
4. I get over being mad right away.
5. I look forward to a long relationship with my partner.
6. When I hear a happy song, I feel happy.
7. I like to laugh and to cry.
8. I can figure out everything my partner is feeling from his or her behavior.
9. I tell people what my emotions are.
10. When I feel scared, I am able to work through it.
11. No matter who I am with, I am clear about who I am.
12. I know my values, beliefs and I stick to them.
13. I'm clear about my personal relationship goals.
14. I am able to talk to my partner about my feelings.
15. I like to see emotions in others.
How to spot an EU Person.
How to spot emotionally unavailable men/women and also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He/She has a girl/boyfriend already
He’s/She's married
He’s/She's recently separated
He/She has a long distance relationship
He’s/She's very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his/her contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from them next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He/She says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girl/boyfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he/she either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behavior or he/she just skirts the issue by saying something vague. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He/She lives with his/her ex
He/She shares a bed with a man/woman that she/he claims is a "friend"
He/She admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s/She's not over his/her ex – openly
He/She says he’s/she's over the ex but he’s/she's quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He/She mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover –
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He/She doesn’t call when he’s/she's supposed to or says she will. Ever.
He’s/She's one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He/She creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He/She has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He/She won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He/She doesn’t come around to your place until late
He/She is resistant to involving himself in your life
He/She talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He/She determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he/she wants to meet up
He/She pushes for an ‘open’ relationship - lots of "space"
He/She never refers to you as a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He/She uses sex as his/her way of demonstrating his/her so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he/she seems to just disappear, and then he/she resurfaces with little or no explanation as if nothing happened.
It feels like he/she blows hot and cold - he/she is moody and non-consistent
He’s/She's quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He/She tells you that he/she has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He/She actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He/She says he/she wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He/She can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s/she's asked, such as whether he can do something with you, or for you is a big drama to get him/her to say yes or no.
He’s/She's got about as much emotion in him/her for your feelings and happenings as a stone
He/She may try and sleep with you on the first night
Monday, June 9, 2008
Reminder - 60 days
I have told him he may come to my church. His actions are so LOUD. I give it a 10:3 and I'm not gonna say of which to which, because I already know what I mean.
Any way, below is actually a direct repost from March with some new things added, as he has not changed any of these thing since then,(with the exception for doing very well at moving on and leaving me alone as I requested), it is always helpful to review things...Here we go..
"It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse not only me, but himself. Three is his demonstrated lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal or thou shall not lie and his refusal to accept responsibility for things he does and also pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok, three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust. Four is my negative thoughts that plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by another's' hand should I allow this to continue. I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris."
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, not wanting to see me, and not sending me emails or showing he cares in little ways.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me and I am so much better off!
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they always want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" just have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself alone.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different" or to be kind and gentle.
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
19) No more cheating and lying from him to believe in.
"He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on the right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasn't done it by now .. its because HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU."
The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are deeply missable. :)
He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into you though he may say it is, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.
Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's emotionally unavailable(already married or insane variations on this unavailability)
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak
Any way, below is actually a direct repost from March with some new things added, as he has not changed any of these thing since then,(with the exception for doing very well at moving on and leaving me alone as I requested), it is always helpful to review things...Here we go..
"It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse not only me, but himself. Three is his demonstrated lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal or thou shall not lie and his refusal to accept responsibility for things he does and also pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok, three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust. Four is my negative thoughts that plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by another's' hand should I allow this to continue. I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris."
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, not wanting to see me, and not sending me emails or showing he cares in little ways.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me and I am so much better off!
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they always want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" just have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself alone.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different" or to be kind and gentle.
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
19) No more cheating and lying from him to believe in.
"He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on the right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasn't done it by now .. its because HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU."
The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are deeply missable. :)
He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into you though he may say it is, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.
Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's emotionally unavailable(already married or insane variations on this unavailability)
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Learning Moves and more Moves
I WAS LATER PLACED BY A DISGUSTING AGENCY CALLED DYFS AND LATER AFTER SOME SEARCHING I WAS PLACED WAS INTO MY YOUNG, 30 YEAR OLD UNSUSPECTING AUNTS HOME, WHO NEVER HAD A ANGRY AND REPRESSED GIRL LIVE WITH HER LET ALONE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ONE. SHE WAS NOT READY FOR ME. I WAS NOT READY FOR HER EITHER, SHE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN MY MOTHER, SHE WAS NOT MY MOTHER AND NOW COULD TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
NO, I THOUGHT. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE. WE HAD ESTABLISHED CERTAIN GROUND RULES IN HER HOUSE THAT I WAS TO LIVE BY AND I DISRESPECTFULLY BROKE EVERY ONE. I HATED MY NEW SCHOOL, HATED MY NEW HOME, HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. STUCK ON EARTH THAT'S WHAT I FELT LIKE I WAS. UNTIL I MET SOME SURFERS AND SKATERS NEAR MY NEW HOME WHO LISTENED TO ALTERNATIVE ROCK THEN I BECAME A TINY BIT MORE COMPATIBLE AND SWEET AND INSPIRED WITH HER AND FOR A TIME SHE APPRECIATED IT, WE READ REALLY UNREALISTIC HARLEQUIN ROMANCE LOVE STORIES TO EACH OTHER AND ATE COOKIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY AND LIFE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.
HE DID NOT LIKE ME, HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME, AND SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY "UNCOOL". NO STRANGER TO REJECTION, AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME! WELL, I THOUGHT, “I'LL SHOW HIM”, BUT INSTEAD I JOINED THE SCHOOL PLAY OTHELLO AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE SMART KIDS AND GOT AN OUT OF TOWN BOYFRIEND THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. I BEGAN LISTENING TO FREESTYLE HANGING OUT WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS (A PATTERN WAS ALREADY BEING SET UP) AND THEY WERE ALL JEWISH AND WE USED TO HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHTS IN A SYNAGOGUE WHICH WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION I COULD FEEL THEIR STRONG BELIEFS. I CHANGED THE WAY I DRESSED AND SPOKE AND THOUGHT I WOULD LEARN ABOUT ME THROUGH THEM. WE EVEN SPOKE ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL, TEENAGE ANGST, LITERATURE, PSYCHOLOGY YOU NAME IT WE DISCUSSED IT. THIS FIRST BOYFRIEND OF MINE, HAD ME OVER HIS HOUSE ALL THE TIME AND WE GOT INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE TOGETHER WHICH AT THE TIME WAS "FUN" TO ME, BUT MY INTELLECTUAL/BURGEONING CRIMINAL BLISS WAS DISTURBED BY YET ANOTHER SHAKEDOWN.
MY AUNT WAS GETTING WILD, FEELING WEIRD AND KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE, I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER THAT SHE WAS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND. SHE WENT INTO AN INSTITUTION AND I HAD NO PLACE TO GO. SHE'S DOING MUCH BETTER NOW, SHE HAD STARTED TO SPLIT UP MENTALLY AND WAS GETTING VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THE VOICES TOLD HER TO HURT HERSELF. SCHIZOPHRENIA THEY HAD CALLED IT. AM I DEFECTIVE? CHECK. AM I UNWANTED? CHECK. DID I CAUSE THIS? CHECK. YES, BECAUSE I CAUSE EVERYTHING, OR SO I BELIEVED.
ANOTHER MOVE. TIME TO GO AGAIN. WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT ME FOR KEEPS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS TIME I MOVED TO MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. I HAD NOT SEEN, KNEW OR REALLY SPOKEN TO THEM MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL TRIP OR VISIT AND MY EARLY 8 YEAR OLD INTRODUCTION TO THEM WAS LONG FORGOTTEN. THEY WERE VERY OLD AND VERY VERY TRADITIONAL LATIN AND I REPRESENTED AN COMPLETE AFFRONT TO ALL OF THAT FOR THEM. I WALKED INTO THEIR HOUSE ENTITLED, ANGRY, REPRESSED AND VIOLENT. I HATED TRADITION AND I WANTED TO REBEL AND DO MY OWN THING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I OWNED THE WORLD. I WANTED EVERYTHING AND WAS GONNA HAVE IT, BY GOD, OR THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FUCKER! I HAD JUST TURNED SWEET SIXTEEN.
NO, I THOUGHT. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE. WE HAD ESTABLISHED CERTAIN GROUND RULES IN HER HOUSE THAT I WAS TO LIVE BY AND I DISRESPECTFULLY BROKE EVERY ONE. I HATED MY NEW SCHOOL, HATED MY NEW HOME, HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. STUCK ON EARTH THAT'S WHAT I FELT LIKE I WAS. UNTIL I MET SOME SURFERS AND SKATERS NEAR MY NEW HOME WHO LISTENED TO ALTERNATIVE ROCK THEN I BECAME A TINY BIT MORE COMPATIBLE AND SWEET AND INSPIRED WITH HER AND FOR A TIME SHE APPRECIATED IT, WE READ REALLY UNREALISTIC HARLEQUIN ROMANCE LOVE STORIES TO EACH OTHER AND ATE COOKIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY AND LIFE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.
HE DID NOT LIKE ME, HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME, AND SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY "UNCOOL". NO STRANGER TO REJECTION, AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME! WELL, I THOUGHT, “I'LL SHOW HIM”, BUT INSTEAD I JOINED THE SCHOOL PLAY OTHELLO AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE SMART KIDS AND GOT AN OUT OF TOWN BOYFRIEND THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. I BEGAN LISTENING TO FREESTYLE HANGING OUT WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS (A PATTERN WAS ALREADY BEING SET UP) AND THEY WERE ALL JEWISH AND WE USED TO HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHTS IN A SYNAGOGUE WHICH WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION I COULD FEEL THEIR STRONG BELIEFS. I CHANGED THE WAY I DRESSED AND SPOKE AND THOUGHT I WOULD LEARN ABOUT ME THROUGH THEM. WE EVEN SPOKE ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL, TEENAGE ANGST, LITERATURE, PSYCHOLOGY YOU NAME IT WE DISCUSSED IT. THIS FIRST BOYFRIEND OF MINE, HAD ME OVER HIS HOUSE ALL THE TIME AND WE GOT INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE TOGETHER WHICH AT THE TIME WAS "FUN" TO ME, BUT MY INTELLECTUAL/BURGEONING CRIMINAL BLISS WAS DISTURBED BY YET ANOTHER SHAKEDOWN.
MY AUNT WAS GETTING WILD, FEELING WEIRD AND KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE, I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER THAT SHE WAS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND. SHE WENT INTO AN INSTITUTION AND I HAD NO PLACE TO GO. SHE'S DOING MUCH BETTER NOW, SHE HAD STARTED TO SPLIT UP MENTALLY AND WAS GETTING VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THE VOICES TOLD HER TO HURT HERSELF. SCHIZOPHRENIA THEY HAD CALLED IT. AM I DEFECTIVE? CHECK. AM I UNWANTED? CHECK. DID I CAUSE THIS? CHECK. YES, BECAUSE I CAUSE EVERYTHING, OR SO I BELIEVED.
ANOTHER MOVE. TIME TO GO AGAIN. WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT ME FOR KEEPS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS TIME I MOVED TO MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. I HAD NOT SEEN, KNEW OR REALLY SPOKEN TO THEM MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL TRIP OR VISIT AND MY EARLY 8 YEAR OLD INTRODUCTION TO THEM WAS LONG FORGOTTEN. THEY WERE VERY OLD AND VERY VERY TRADITIONAL LATIN AND I REPRESENTED AN COMPLETE AFFRONT TO ALL OF THAT FOR THEM. I WALKED INTO THEIR HOUSE ENTITLED, ANGRY, REPRESSED AND VIOLENT. I HATED TRADITION AND I WANTED TO REBEL AND DO MY OWN THING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I OWNED THE WORLD. I WANTED EVERYTHING AND WAS GONNA HAVE IT, BY GOD, OR THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FUCKER! I HAD JUST TURNED SWEET SIXTEEN.
Tonight I did poorly
Tonight was a backslide in the wrong direction. I don't think I want the kind of "friends" R*&*()# has. I suppose that is all you can get nowadays in this society and that I should strive to do more, but I'm not.
I really want to be friends with nice people, people I can count on, and people who are not condescending and snappy when asked a question. People who not jealous and insecure or talk about you behind your back when you walk away. I am disgusted right now with all these thoughts about my reactions.
Where will I find these people? Where do they hang out and once I find them how do I hold on to them? I realized tonight I not only do not know how to make friends, or keep them, however I also have some standards as to the type of friends I want and feel very cut off from this world.
Meh.. I will be lonely for some time and this is just something I have to get through and over..
I can feel that familiar ache though...it is starting to burn.. hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)