Skull Ring

So I thought of Chris today when looking at a special skull ring, I thought oh he would love this skull ring, I should get it for him. Then I thought, yeah, um no? Why would I spend my hard earned money (or money I don't have) on someone who wouldn't even admit to hurting me or thinks about me at all anymore? Asshole.

ah...reason, ah self esteem - thank God I have you now. Sometime ago in my youth, just seeing the ring would have made me buy it, fall back, call him and actually try to get back together with him?! I have come a LONG fucking way...

I'm off to get ready for Backstage tonight. Gonna be so much fun!!
:)

Oh Scary Night

I had some of the most disturbing dreams about Eric, Chris and some strangers last night. I am not sure why or what they mean for me subconsciously.

Boy am I glad to be moved to my own place.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall review

Funny. Interesting commentary. A couple of sweet tender moments. A couple of alarming abuse references. I will take in all I can and write more about this tomorrow.

I thought of Chris only once the entire night, (when I was watching the surf scene) sadly but wistfully thinking of how he will never see me on a surfboard in Hawaii. Another thing I determined is I may go to Hawaii this year alone. I will surf there and I will have fun on the beaches. It is too beautiful to ever be sad there.

Praise 2

What a great day to give thanks and praise! I am listening to Napoleon Hill. It is inspirational to know that God has blessed so many people in so many ways. Where is the credit to him for all he has given you? Well, I am here to give him credit.

Tonight I am going to the movies to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I hope it will be good. I got the call from my interview. They wanted me to start ASAP. I had to let them know I am getting treatments so I will need a flexible schedule and time to get treatments this week and next and I prayed on it last night, and then let go saying whatever is your will God, I am ready. Today they called me and said they are fine with being flexible for my treatments! Talk about blessings!

Thinking back to before Chris pushed me, that company that rejected me, was not for me. It was not in God's will. Here I am one month later, single, with friends, a job, a place to live, a car, and an opportunity to heal as well! I am ready to give back. I am ready to continue on my path to righteousness as well as excitement and fervor in living my life healthfully and gratefully.

Today in Borders I read about the ouch factor which I completely agree with now. Years ago I didn't even think this way. But here it is.

1) Know
2) Trust
3) Rely
4) Commit
5) Touch

That is the order of things. That is safety. Any narcissist I meet in the future will leave during the "know" phase because they are not capable of true sharing and run from it.

Any abusive man will also leave me during the "know" phase as they are quick to move to "touch" and will show themselves almost immediately. How dare you be that comfortable to touch me at all?

As it states each level of giving, should be only as high as the ONE PRIOR.

I used to do it so differently! Starting with touch, what a fucking mistake! No wonder I was lost and later, hurt each time. There was NO "KNOW" period, def NO TRUST or RELY period. It was a couple days of sharing and attraction and BOOM I was there for what I thought was "life". Gonna get married, this is the one for me, he gave me the time of day, Ugh, how gross that distortion is.

I am better than that. Work to get me to open up to YOU, Stranger. I will no longer give of myself at all. No info. No wishes or desires to share. YOU SHARE. YOU SHOW. I TAKE TIME AND WATCH YOU.

Just watching. Behaviors, past relationships, treatment of others, any addictions?

Praise!

So this day is a great morning to give some praise! What a great day. I am thankful. My back is hurting so much right now, but I am going to get the strength to go out there today and see the glory of God and I know that this pain "shall pass" when the time is right.

I thank God for his love and wisdom and trials in my life to show me the way. For his messages to me in various ways showing themselves. I am going to begin decompression next week for my back. 3 sessions should do it for me. They are $100 each, but I should be well on my way to wellness hopefully afterward.

I am giving back the car, and will be taking the bus everywhere instead. I am preparing to hopefully begin looking for work/start working again soon. I went on an interview this am and watched "Max" last night while drinking wine and have some cheese and crackers.

I need to keep my promise to Jesus today and care for myself with the excited fervor and preparation of living forever. This is much easier to feel worthy of love when there is no one in your life who is going out of their way at times to tear you down or say things that feel bad or show in actions they just aren't committed to you or don't respect you.

I am "the tasty mako that will be great mesquite grilled in lemon sauce" - NOT THEM. Being lonely SUCKS but being with someone I feel bad around or doesn't honor me in actions, is waaay worse.

• I will not go out with a man who doesn't commit to his promises.
• I will not date a man who isnt sure he wants to date me.
• I will not date a man who tries to have sex with me.
  
• I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs or is addicted to anything to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
• I will not date a man who's afraid to talk about our future together.
  
• I will not spend my precious time on a man who has already rejected me.
  
• I will not date a man who is married or in a relationship with someone else.
• I will not be with a man who is not clearly IN ACTIONS consistently, a good, kind, and loving person.
• I will not date a man who does not respect me when I ask them not to touch me at all.
• I will not date a man who lies to me or has lied to me.
  
• I will not date a man who seems to want to spend ALL their time with me or doesn't respect my personal time.
  

Pity Party Tonight at my house!

So tonight I am holding my pity party. Tonight I will cry my eyes out about the death of the man I so loved for the last time. This is the time I am giving myself for the last day of crying over someone who IS NOT crying over me.

What brought this on is Tia and I were shopping for her picnic date tonight with Eric. I thought of Chris and I roaming through Ralphs in preparation for our own little dates. Remembering him. Loving him. Hurts. I had to give my phone to Tia 3 times.

Then I realized that I do have great memories about Chris and I, but they are remembered each along eventually with a fucked up time to go with it more often than not. Like the another time at Ralphs when all I wanted to do was shop with him, HIS way, and be held by him and caress him all night and sex him up. Instead he was pissed that he didn't get high, didn't get to go home first and walk his dog treated me like crap, and we yelled and screamed at one another and I went home and we even didn't talk!

I know now "he just wasn't that into me". He didn't want to marry me, he broke up with me also, and he isn't pouring over ways to get me back, or be romantic or change during the time he is away from me, he is just.. going on with his life. Further proof that I should not be thinking about him or worrying about what, where, or who he is doing, anymore.

He has his things back, he has given me my "donations" for back treatment and now I have $500 to get treated with. I'm sure in his mind its "over and out" and he is scot free of me, his guilt, and really deep down, glad we are over. I know I was not a perfect angel in the relationship.

I think after the 60 days both of us will be relieved and moving on at full speed with none of our past "buttons" to hurl us back. Him faster than me probably because he was always horny and always wanting to be fucking someone else.

What "I love you" really means:

• I am not that into you.
• I don't respect you or our relationship.
• I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
• I am not going to marry you.
• I will be open to using you sexually, but that is all I can commit to.

What "I miss you" means:

• I am missing you because every day, I am choosing to be WITHOUT you.
• I am sniffing for something better and when I don't find it, I may get lonely and come back to you. But it will still be "over" and I will still not be into you.

Reminders of when he is "just not that into you" - Hes just not that into you if:

• He's not asking you out
• He's not calling you (or returning calls when he says he will)
• He's not dating you
• He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
• He's having sex with someone else
• He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high (or is on any mind altering drug- it means he likes you better when you are not at your full levels and he is "numbed")
• He's doesn't want to marry you
• He's breaking up with you (he took a good look at the beauty that is you and all your possibility and all your potential and said, "No thanks, I do not want your company anymore")
• He's disappeared on you
• He's already married or insane variations on this unavailability
• He's a Selfish Jerk, a Abusive Bully or a Really Big Freak

Nuff said, son. Cry on S... then tomorrow..dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.

My Dangerous Men

MY DANGEROUS MEN

1-13- Dad

15-20-Barry Kaufman/Herm Peubla

---A RAPIST

21-22-Fathey Abdullah/Carlos Polanco

---A RAPIST

22-26-Anthony Guzman

26-29-Shahn Andersen

29-30-Bastion Garcia

30-31-Chad Reyes/ Johnny Cervini/Yotam Ginzberg

31-32-Gordon Gee Nelson/Brandon Nelson

32-33-Chris

http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/

I have never been alone or out of a relationship. This is the first time in my entire life I will be alone. Unfortunately for me, most men I have been with were some kind of combination or another.

Categories of Dangerous Men
The Emotional Predator
Has a sixth sense of how women operate. They know how to play to her woundedness. They can sense when you have been dumped, hurt, are lonely, or sexually needy. They are chameleons and can be whatever you need them to be. They are very in-tune with body language, eye lingo, and verbal jargon and pick up hints to your life and conform their lives to what you want in the moment.

The Permanent Clinger
Is a needy and victim-based man. They will give a woman a lot of attention in return for all of their needs to be met. They are jealous of other people in your life and turn the tables to ask you to give up your life and make them your only life. They convince you that they have been wounded and you can “heal them with your love” if you will only focus on them. They may threaten to be eternally wounded if you don’t do as they ask or uses guilt to try to keep you in a relationship you no longer want to be.

The Hidden Life
Men who have undisclosed women, same-sex partners, children, lives, jobs, life-threatening addictions, criminality, and other histories not revealed and purposefully hidden from you.

The Violent
The relationship starts out as very attentive and giving but then Mr. Hyde appears—blaming, shaming, harming, throwing, hitting, or “anything goes” when they decide they are in control.

The Mentally Ill
He normally looks good on the outside but after a while of dating it becomes obvious that “something is amiss.” Most people don’t have enough training to know “exactly what is wrong.” Depending on the diagnosis, they can often convince you to stay and “love them into wellness.” Some hold emotional hostages by revealing that “everyone” leaves them or threatens self-harm.
The Addicted
Many people who are dating an addicted man do not know this upfront or they mistake addictions for a “fun loving guy” that seems to just want to “party.” Addictions can include sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill-seeking behaviors, gambling, food, or relationships.

The Parental Seeker
He seeks a parent and not a partner. He needs you so much but he also needs you to run his life for him. He has a difficult time doing adult things like working, chores, decision making, being consistent, paying his bills. He may give out the attention to you but he will function very little in the real world.

The Emotionally Unavailable
These are men who are married, separated, engaged, dating someone else or just broke up from another relationship before working through it. He usually presents as “currently unhappy” or “not quite out” of a relationship but is willing to have you on the side. He could also be preoccupied with his life, career, job, education or hobbies to the exclusion of ever having true interest in a long-term relationship.

Content - he says

I am glad he is soo content after hurting me the way he has. Further proof I do not need that narcissistic creep in my life.

Last night I was afraid of stalking or the possibility that someone was going to try to hurt me. I spent the entire day concerned of this. Watching those videos of hi tech surveillance did NOT help. So this morning I woke up and said to myself, I am not going to stop living my life in fear of someone killing me. I am not going to think this way and I basically prayed to God and gave it over to him.

I am still alive and Chris (apparently not thinking of me at all, thank god he too is as selfish as Brandon) is not stalking me. His emailing has ceased since yesterday and there are still no calls since 4/1/08. :) Back to the 60 days focus.

Back to my healing. This incident was a lesson in exactly why I should not ever go back to that terrible relationship. It does not FEEL good. Love should feel good. Love should be safe and honest. I have much work to do on myself and my past.

Today I am thankful for:

• God's protection and love
• taking care of myself
• Karin
• Sandra/Tia - my neighbors
• Medical care
• the IRS giving me something back however small
• being able to pay this months rent
• finding out I don't "need" the car
• being able to walk
• having food to eat
• learning about boundaries
• trying not to make previous mistakes
• a place to lay my head
• my family
• my friends

Fear Your Dating Past

I've fucking had it, what a fucking...

Ugh. I have told Chris to fuck off. I can't believe he is still trying to fucking contact me! He better stop after the email I sent him below.

On Sat, Apr 19, 2008 at 7:42 PM, S wrote:
Dear Chris,
You asked "what do I think?" 4 main thoughts jump out for me really.

1) I think if you were serious about giving me money and forgiveness, respect and compassion by making amends you might have respected my "No" already, and have instead asked who to contact to arrange a pickup or dropoff instead and left it that? The contact will of course always be K*** - her email is above should you so choose to try to show goodwill after reading this email.
2) I think you need to respect that I do not want to see you in person at this time.
3) I think I already forgave you, it's time for us to start getting used to life without one another.
4) I think you need to stop emailing me.

Words and more words to manipulate - blah blah

On Sat, Apr 19, 2008 at 8:24 AM, chris mondor wrote:
If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;If I have all faith so as to move a mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [Love] is not pompous, it is not rude, it does not seek it's own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I didn't copy and paste this, I read it a few times, then typed it. You are right, this wasn't the love I was given, nor was it the love I was giving. This is how i will love from now on. I can see how my love falls short of this description. I can also see how similar my love already is.(Um, hopefully for the Veggie Grill girl or for some other guy/girls) (she was cute, too bad she will be bruised on arms/legs in a couple months time) I have forgiven you and am trying to make amends, starting with the money I've given you, followed by the patience and respect you have received and will continue to get. You wouldn't be in harms' way,(except for the fact that he keeps contacting me) I have nothing but Love for you,(his idea of "Love" and my idea are very different) no anger, no jealousy, I have forgiveness, respect and compassion (compassion, really? why are you still emailing me then? You should be grateful I'm not turning you in or taking legal actions and leave me alone) for you. I would like to apologize and express a few other things (like Power Over) and listen to what you would like to say. (Um, I said everything, you just never heard me)

There is no shame in forgiveness. (yep, thats why with God's help, I am going to forgive you) I think talking for a little bit then going back to not communicating for the rest of the time ("rest of the time", little do you know is for my adult life, after 60 days you wont even remember me LOL - you'll be too busy fucking the pain away) would help both of us a great deal.

What do you think?
-c
We all love to talk about love in the abstract, but the depth of our commitment to it is revealed in our willingness and ability to forgive. It is the true measure of what sort of warrior we really are, in the kingdom of God. No matter what accusations the Enemy may make, forgiveness drowns them in the blood of Jesus, and turns the bullets of his words into butterflies. That is why forgiveness and walking in love cannot be mere options for the Christian. Either we do it, or we don't. If we don't, we deceive ourselves that we are Christ's followers. If we want to follow Jesus then we must walk where He walked. We must forgive as He forgives and love as He loves. The simplicity of this gospel is the only thing that can and will transform us--and the world! (more talk, no action to back it up-mind you this guy isn't even Christian-he's a manipulative liar and trying to invoke my original emotional feeling for him.)

Interpretation: The entire first paragraph, and last paragraphs = pure shite - he does NOT show any of this in even current actions.