A boundary

Non-Violent Communication:

by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.,

At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think "Jackal." This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. "Giraffe" bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. "Giraffe" is a language of requests; "Jackal " is a language of demands.

Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving, compassionate ways. Why, then, is there so much disharmony and conflict?

Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."

The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future. Similarly Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally deprived."

This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.

I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe. The Giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives its life with gentility and strength. Likewise, Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.

By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested I changing people; rather, they are interested in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change. One way of providing such an opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do this, but only if you can do it willingly-in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame, I lose."

As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life becomes slave-like. "I had to do it-superior's orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.

As time passed, I learned much more about giraffe. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."

Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you…," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want…" As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.

Jackal, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."

As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me."

Giraffes say what they do want, rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."

Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame, guilt, or punishment. As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.

STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY

Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in honesty:

Describe your observation.

Identify your feeling.

Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs.

State your request.

In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feelings: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feelings: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?"

The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the situation: "When you've got the phone tied up for so long, other calls can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to a close if that's all right."

In Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to authority; slave-like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between these two types of statements.

In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings, needs and wishes without hearing any criticism or ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.

RESPONDING TO A "NO"

Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rotted in empathy:

1. Describe the situation

2. Guess the other person's feelings.

3. Guess the reason for that feeling, together with the unmet need;

then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood.

4. Clarify the unmet need.

When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us, we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they are really saying-that they have a need and want to get their need met.

If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:

Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?

Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. (Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.)

Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?

Child: You order me around! (The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings and wants.)

Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your chores.

Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them done, you do them.

Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them?

Child: Yeah.. no.. I don't know. I just don't feel like being bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)

If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occurred.

At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!"-that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was immediately defused of all tension.

In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests. Ultimately, listening empathetically does not imply doing what the person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart.

Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love, giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise generosity. Empathetically receiving what is going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either end of the dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony.

In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication. This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation, compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the international nonprofit Center for Nonviolent Communication, has taught these empowering skills for over 30 years to the general public as well as to parents, diplomats, police, peace activists, educators, and managers. Based in Switzerland, Dr. Rosenberg travels worldwide in response to communities that request his peacemaking services and skills. He has provided mediation and training in over two dozen countries, including war-torn Rwanda, Croatia, Palestine, Sierra Leone, and Ireland.

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Anger and Domination Systems

by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

The following is a slightly edited transcript of part of a workshop on anger led by Dr. Rosenberg in England in May of 1999. Dr. Rosenberg is founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and its director of educational services. He is author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Puddle Dancer Press, 1999). Marshall sometimes uses Jackal as a metaphor for life-alienated language which contributes to violence toward self and others, and Giraffe as a metaphor for the Nonviolent Communication model that he created.

Marshall: For me the subject of anger is very much a political issue. To me anger is not a central issue and I'm worried about thinking of anger as a problem. Thinking about anger as a problem is like a man who is in the habit of smoking in bed and catching the house on fire and he notices there's always this damn fire alarm going off.

He gets really annoyed and he keeps changing houses because he doesn't like dealing with the fire alarm. To me in many respects anger is the fire alarm. Why be worried and concerned about the fire alarm? So to me anger is not the problem. To me the problem is the thinking that creates it. It is a certain quality of thinking that supports domination systems.

By systems I mean governments, organizations, institutions that regulate human affairs. In his books, The Powers That Be and Engaging the Powers, theologian Walter Wink talks about domination systems being ones in which a few people control [many] to their own advantage. In domination systems you have to train people to think in ways that support the system, so they fit the system.

Domination systems require:

1. Suppression of self

2. Moralistic judgments

3. Amtssprache (this expression was used by Nazi officials to describe a bureaucratic language that denies choice, with words like should, have to, ought)

4. The crucial concept of deserve

Now anger is the result, it's a fire alarm that tells us we are thinking in a way that supports domination systems; you are thinking in a way that contributes to the oppressive world order and you are part of it.

So I don't want to get rid of it in that sense I don't want to be like the man who keeps moving his house because of the alarm. I want to make a radical shift in my thinking so I am not thinking in ways that take part in the domination systems in the world. So systems train people to think in ways that support the system. And how we are trained to communicate is obviously going to affect our human development.

We have been trained to be nice dead people or bullies. When you are in a position of authority you are justified in being a bully. You don't call yourself a bully - you call yourself an authority. In domination systems authorities are given legal power to bully through the system of deserve, in which punishment, rewards and other forms of coercion get you to do things.

How human beings develop obviously is going to affect our understanding about the nature of human beings, what we think is the nature of human beings. This is what leads us to create the kind of systems we create. This is why I like Water Wink's books so much. He sees over the past five thousand years a certain kind of consciousness of what human beings are like.

For example if you think that human beings are evil, wretched reeps, horrible things - and this view has been widely spread for several thousand years, that human beings are tainted with an evil energy - then obviously you need to set up a system that is controlled from above by those who are more moral, like you and me! And I am wary about you to tell you the truth!

The trouble is that the system has a problem to decide who is the more moral person and is the one to know how to control the other people. There have been some experiments, divine right of kings and the various others, but the idea is that the system follows with a certain consciousness about what human beings are, they have to be controlled. The primary means is a coercive method of controlling human beings to keep them thinking they are worthless little creeps.

What are the basic systems used?

Punishment - make people suffer - the whole idea of penitence is to get people to change. First you have to get people to see what horrible creeps they are. That's why one of the first things a child must be taught to say, and say well, is "Sorry."

Let's get a jackal child puppet.

Jackal Parent: Say you are sorry.

Jackal Child: I'm sorry.

Jackal Parent: You're not really sorry. I can see from your face you are not really sorry.

Jackal Child: (begins to cry) I'm sorry.

Jackal Parent: I forgive you.

That's what you have to do, you have to make people feel bad about themselves and be penitent.

That¹s why in the United States we call these institutions penitentiaries. The whole idea is you have to make people realize they are evil, so you need a language that does that, you need moralistic judgment that implies evil or bad, with words like: good, bad, right, wrong, abnormal, incompetent etc.

All kinds of words that make you wrong.

There are whole cultures that have not gone that way, where there is almost no violence. They don't have this language.

Question: "Where are these cultures?"

Marshall: Every one wants to move there! Fortunately there are a lot of them.

Fortunately anthropologist Ruth Benedict has done a lot of research in this area. A good place to start is an article in Psychology Today, June 1970 entitled "Synergy-Patterns of the Good Culture." She has written many books on the subject since the 1920s. She's found them all over the world. When she started out she wasn't sure she would find any.

The tribe I have had some contact with is Orang Asilie tribe in Malaysia. I'll never forget what my translator was saying before we got started. He was going over how he was going to translate. He pointed out his language has no verb to be, like [you are] good, bad, wrong, right. You can't classified people if you take away the verb to be. How are you going to insult people? You take away ninety percent of my vocabulary! So I say what are you going to say if I say "You're selfish"?

"Its going to be hard, I'd translate it like this: Marshall says he sees you are taking care of your needs but not the needs of others." He says, "In my language, you tell people what they are doing and what you like them to do differently, it would not occur to us to tell people what they are." He then paused and he looked at me in all sincerity and said, "Why would you ever call a person a name?"

I said you have to know who to punish. Punishment is a totally foreign concept in these tribes and cultures. He looked at me and said, "If you have a plant and it isn't growing the way you would like, do you punish it?" The whole idea of punishment is so ingrained in us that it is hard for us to imagine other options. It is totally foreign to people who haven't been educated in domination systems culture. In many of these cultures they look at people who hurt others this way: they are not bad, they've forgotten their nature. They put them in a circle and they remind them of their true nature, what it's like to be real human beings. They've gotten alienated and they bring them back to life.

Question: What's the tribe's name again?

Marshall: The Orang Asilie. This is interesting. It's not their name, it's the name the surrounding cultures call them and it means 'primitive people'.

People usually ask what were you doing there teaching them Giraffe language when they have their own Giraffe language? It's sad; they were doing quite well. They live in the forest where trees have great economic value in the outside world, so now logging companies are intruding on their space. They don't know how to speak Giraffe with Jackal speaking people. They have one senator who represents 60,000 people. In Malaysia, they heard about my work and asked me if I could do something. He says "You know there are consultants who will show us how to use guns, there's no shortage of these, to get our land back." The senator hoped there is another way.

So back to anger. I hope you're beginning to see that anger is not the issue. The issue for me is the thinking. Walter Wink points out very poignantly, domination systems require that violence be made enjoyable.

You have to make violence enjoyable for domination systems to work. Bob Kandeh from Sierra Leone knows. You can get young people to enjoy cutting off the arms of other young people in Sierra Leone because of the thinking that you are giving people what they deserve. Those people supported that government. When you can really justify why people are bad, you can enjoy their suffering.

In the United States at the time children are watching TV the most, between 7 and 9 pm, in 75 percent of the programs, the hero either kills someone or beats them up. So by the time the average child is fifteen years old, they have observed thirty thousand beatings and murders by the good guys. What does this do to our consciousness? And when does the beating and murdering occur? At the orgasmic climax; we get an orgasmic joy from violence.

Now that is probably not television; it's been going on according to Walter Wink for five thousand years. What does it do when we show this that repetitively to children? It's bad enough if they go to Church or synagogue once a week and listen to a jackal-thinking theologian who uses the good book to justify the violence and punishment of evil. It's bad enough to have that once a week, but when it's flashed across the screen with artistry in front of children's eyes in their growing years, what happens? You see you've got to make violence enjoyable.

So anger is just the human feeling that results from this. I'm glad we're here to study it, because being here to liberate ourselves from our anger means we are here to liberate ourselves from these systems. It requires a radical transformation in our thinking. We bring ourselves back to life, because adjusting to our anger means we are dead. People are surprised to hear that because (raises his voice) "I feel so alive when I am angry." You're not! You've got a lot of adrenaline going. I wouldn't say we were alive, I would say when we are alive we are connected to life. We can be connected to life when we have been trained to think in a life serving way.

So let's contrast the two systems, the domination system and the life serving system. How does life work?

We have needs, all living creatures have needs, and we have a wonderful alarm system that alerts us when our needs are not being met. What is this alert? A motivational system called feelings. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman points out that this is a natural function of emotions. They tell us when we are not getting our needs met. For example, if my need for food is not being met, but I don't have feelings, then I starve. It's like people who have neurological problems don't know if their hand is on fire or not.

So feelings are very important. They mobilize us to get our needs met. When our need is met then we have pleasureful feelings to celebrate. This is a natural system. We are in a life serving system. We would want to serve life. We would want to train people to think in this way, to think in terms of feelings, in terms of needs and need-fulfilling actions.

This is basically what Nonviolent Communication is about. If you want to serve life you want to create life-serving systems. We need to really be conscious moment by moment. We need to be as smart as bees and dogs--connected to life. Maybe it's OK to have opinions about the world situation, but if you are starving to death you need to get some food in your system. Let's really focus our consciousness on our human needs, feelings and need-fulfilling actions.

Now anger is a feeling, but anger tells us that a cancerous intruder has come in. We have a need that isn't getting met, therefore it is creating some feelings, but we are thinking in a way that serves domination systems, and this is putting a toxic energy into a natural system. Anger and its cousins, depression, guilt and shame, are all a part of domination systems.

Anger tells us we are thinking the bad guy is somebody else. With depression, guilt and shame we are the bad guy, these are the feelings that result from the thinking of domination systems.

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1. The first piece is the observation of whatever triggered the speaker's current state of mind. We do our best to state our observation free of any evaluation: "When I see video game magazines, socks, and food on the floor, and these pots and dirty dishes in the kitchen..." (Not: "When I see this huge mess.")

2. The second is the speaker's feelings in response to what is observed. We do our best to identify an emotion, sensation or state of mind that is free of thoughts: "I feel exhausted and agitated...." (Not: "I feel I shouldn't leave you home by yourself.")

3. The third is the unfulfilled need that is generating the feelings mentioned. We try to identify as closely as possible a universal need or value, or at least a desire stated in positive terms: "because I am needing more order and beauty in my home." (Not: "Because I don't want to come home to a pigsty.")

4. The fourth piece is a request that provides the listener with an opportunity to exercise their power to respond to the speaker's need with something immediate, concrete, and do-able. The mother offers such an opportunity to the son by asking: "Would you be willing to put away the things on the floor that belong to you, toss out the garbage, and wash the dishes in the sink?" (Not: "Would you quit making such a mess and do something about this room?")

When we reveal our feelings and needs, we offer others an arena where they can express their compassion. It is our vulnerability that inspires others to want to give to us from the heart. We all know it's no fun giving gifts to someone who doesn't need anything.

In a world, however, where people habitually express themselves by blaming, analyzing and judging each other, it may seem dangerous, if not downright dumb, to be exposing ourselves in this vulnerable fashion. That is why it is necessary for us to grow our Giraffe ears. Not only do we want to be able to express our own feelings and needs, it is equally important to be able to hear the other person's feelings and needs behind their words, gestures, or silences.

If my partner calls me "cold and aloof," instead of hearing judgment, I now focus my attention on his feelings and needs, and check them out with him if I'm not sure: "When you say that I am 'cold and aloof,' are you feeling sad, because you have a need for more intimacy than you're getting?" If someone calls me stupid, I may sense that she is frustrated and wanting acknowledgment or support for her views. With Giraffe ears, I hear no judgments of myself or of others, only feelings and needs -- mine and theirs. As Dr. Rosenberg explains, "All judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs."

Having been schooled in the language of the head, most of us are skillful in analyzing, diagnosing and labelling people, but have difficulty sensing feelings and needs and making or eliciting clear requests. It may take some time to master NVC grammar, to explore and develop a new vocabulary of feelings and needs, and to develop the fluency we desire.

Gradually, however, as our words flow out of our own feelings and needs, and we learn how to empathize with others through Giraffe ears, we discover that we have freed ourselves from the compulsion to "be right" or "be nice." Our speech then embodies both our deepest truths and our deepest compassion. NVC is a set of immediately applicable skills as well as a lifelong practice of developing consciousness. As we increase moment-to-moment awareness of the feelings and needs behind all words and actions, we are transforming the world for ourselves and for others.