"1-22-05
Hey whats up? Its me. I just got back from my FL trip with Gordo. We had a really nice time. He is great. I love him. He is also weird and I don’t like him. I have mixed feelings about him. I think everything was great though overall and he seemed to have missed me which is nice to know. We spent our first night in hanging out with his family. We went to this really cute French restaurant and equally hated our waiter. A very pompous Virginan named Hundley. LOL. Later we went up to the rooms and they were really cute and wooded and quaint. The bathroom shower was lacking in the water pressure I so love but it was overall a very comfortable sleep with my Gordo Rockets. I love sleeping next to him. We did not have any sex but the most wonderful foreplay. I don’t know what the hell happened to me but I got very emotional and he didn’t push me the sweetheart that he is.
Thursday am we went to the glass museum in Winter Park. It was soo beautiful. All the work that Louis Comfort Tiffany did is just awe-inspiring. What an amazing artist. Later he spent the afternoon getting his tux, hanging with the guys and getting ready for the wedding. I met Ward and Co as I was outside eating with his stepmom, Yaz and his dad. That evening we got ready for the rehearsal dinner which went off without a hitch and snuck up to the room in the middle for a little semi nooky-nook. Friday the wedding was gorgeous and they looked as though they should be getting married. If anyone. I don’t think anyone should. Lol. Later Friday night Gordo and I went to dinner and talked about the possibility that he is lacking in motivation in his life and I don’t know whether I can stand that anymore. I am hoping when he returns from Seattle he will work harder for himself.
1-29-05
Saturday he took me to the airport without so much as a weep or a tear..lol.. and we went our separate ways. I knew I would miss him but vowed to trust him while he was gone and give him space. Saturday night after the flight, as I was settling into my home on the night of probably the worst blizzard of the winter and the coldest day we had had, I began to cook some pasta for myself and mistakenly spilled the entire pot of boiling water/oil onto my body! I was badly burned and had to rush to the hospital. I was in so much pain I could barely hold it together and peeled my pants off with the skin! I cant even say how difficult it was to walk over a foot of snow with a leg that barely moved, and in the worst of a blizzard of the year over to the EMT van. As I was crying uncontrollably wondering how and why this would happen to me, I could not for the life of me piece it together. I had had so many big plans. Ready for action and ready to return - renewed and refreshed and begin with my band, my life and my new job. Then we arrived and I was overhearing about some girl who was being harassed in the Emergency room yet barely listening as they took my blood pressure and temperature.
From there they ushered me fairly quickly into the Emergency area where they placed me on a bed writhing in pain…shortly thereafter some strange guy walked into my room and touched my breasts and tried to go down my pants. I pushed him away mumbling with my free arm as he pressed hard against my burned leg! The passing nurse asked me if he was with me, I screamed no and to please get him away from me as I couldn’t even defend myself! One goes to the hospital to be taken care of and feel safe not to be molested while in pain and unable to escape the bed. Had it been my arm or stomach in pain I could have still gotten up but I could not walk or move my leg at all.
Later, I called my family hoping for at least a ride home or some sort of assistance in getting to bed and to tell them what happened and person after person I called, no one was available. I could not believe that I had no one there for me in such a troubling time. I called Gordo and told him what happened and asked politely if he could come to take care of me. What? He acts like he doesn’t even know me right? But he is all I had at the time. He yelled and complained. He asked wasnt there anyone else? If there was why would I bother him? He came on the next days train after much prodding by me and took care of me for 2 days. It was nice seeing him again, but I felt like it had been under unfortunate circumstances, which he also mentioned over and over. Plus he was scheduled to fly out to Seattle for the next week and a half where I should have known I would barely hear from him. Then instead of him, his mother came to watch over me and give me some products from her Nikken business, which I think have helped greatly. I think she may care more for me than him. Lol.
I expected more from Shahn only to be let down and I will never talk to him in the same way again. Selfish. Johnny came to care for me for more than 2 days and I will never forget him for that and Matt sent me the most beautiful flowers and teddy bear from Canada. God, what a great guy. Meanwhile, no call from Gordo, my own boyfriend, who is on myspace daily meeting people from Seattle no less and has no time to call his girlfriend to talk to her for more than 10 minutes to see how she is doing after being burned and out of the hospital.
I am not going to think about that or him for that matter. I have no time for people who have no time for me anymore. He may care for me but he certainly has a weird way of showing it when he isn’t around me. I don’t need that. My goal now is to get off this bed, out of my house and back on my feet and back on my path. I am not going to let this get me. I may have a scar the size of the rock of Gibraltar but it will be there to remind me of all I have learned on this harrowing leggy journey. Extreme loneliness, loss of trust in family and friends, and betrayal, I have been betrayed by my family and people I thought were my friends. I now know that I am stronger than I even thought possible. I know that I will not let anything get in the way of what I want in the future and that I am a really talented amazing individual who is capable of feeling great pain and adversity and overcoming it. I couldn’t for the life of me discern why this would happen to me or for what reason something like this happened. Why I would deserve this pain and I wondered and wondered for so long in those first hours. I have now learned why and fuck, I am happy about it. BRING IT ON BITCHES!!! "
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