coping skills

I don’t know what to do about this situation. What I want and what I am going to get, I feel are two different things, I knew this when it started and I didn’t want to see it. Now it is there in plain sight. Why can I not leave this boy alone? I tried yesterday pretty unsuccessfully and today broke once. I need my fucking book back. Why do I get addicted to people and try to obsess about them? I need to put my focus elsewhere. On myself and allow this kid to be a distraction at best. Operative word there is kid. I am asking for an adult relationship and qualities from a kid who is still growing. I was attracted to him initially for the innocence, romance and kindness and later sex, but it has turned sour. Yeah he looks like a man and can have sex and pretend he is a man, but he really just isn’t. Truly, how can I ask or ever expect anything of him? He is still growing and determining what he wants! He doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. He just knows he wants it to be fun. He just has some 2 year promise to a girl who is 16.. 16 years old.

It’s one thing to have a LDR and it be difficult, but know where it’s going and feel solid about it and work together for a common goal, its another to both be unsure about one another and try to have one. I can’t be sure with him, because he isn’t sure. I need to get where I feel sure with myself again and lean on the one and only that I ever have. God and myself. I am going through a tough time right now with my own personal shit and need to figure my own shit out, once again I am in THAT place. I feel I may forever be here. Another thing I have noticed is I am making the same mistakes with this one that I made with the other one. Him feeling guilty for things he has not even done due to my many insinuating questions and statements. Him feeling he cant do anything to make me happy..etc.

Then there is the game we play together..once again throwing us and our relationship into situations we would not yet encounter in real life until much later on.

So much can happen in one month. Gone are the 16 texts per day,
calls in the morning just because, calls to say I love you just because, strong undeniable desire to come to CA and see me at ANY cost, late night conversations about absolutely everything and nothing… /sigh.

I am constantly surprised by the amount of things that can occur in such a short period of time, particularly the nature of the men I choose’s feelings. They fucking come and go and are completely unreliable. Oh you ‘love’ me? That’s a nice feeling. Oh your mad at me? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel depressed that’s a sucky feeling. Oh your excited! Great that’s a nice feeling. Oh your feeling horny? That’s a nice feeling…oh your feeling abandoned? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel like I don’t love you anymore? That sucks.. oh you are feeling complete and happy? That’s a great feeling. All in all, they are just that..feelings.

Someone once told me true love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s doing. Sometimes even when you aren’t feeling it, its doing for someone even when you aren’t “feeling” it (love or loving). I don’t know if that’s the case with me or with the people I choose. I think the last 2 guys have been highly feelings guys seemingly sensitive, but are overall pleaser types, which makes them selfish because they are not pleasing from a healthy giving place, they are pleasing so they can feel better about themselves and get what they want place. (See people pleasing link here)

And me? Well I I think I am def not like other women, this is to my detriment as well as my blessing. Women everywhere seem to get married and have kids and work menial jobs and laugh and seem happy consistently. Me? I can’t keep a man or a job or a laugh going for very long it seems. But unlike most, I’m not in denial of my choices or my life, instead I am acutely aware of my fucking failures and shortcomings. I have little to no coping skills and probably should see a therapist at this point. For today, I am going to go out and do my own thing, off the computer and one with nature. I am going to reconnect with myself and focus on that.

Other interesting tidbits I read today..
10 profiles of people who relate in harmful ways
A profile is a brief description of someone or something.
1. The People Pleaser –a person who constantly seeks the approval of others. A people pleaser will do almost anything to be liked including harmful behaviors such as smoking/drinking or engaging in sexual activities. The people pleaser sabotages their chances to have healthful relationship by not demanding respect from others.
A people pleaser
A. knows how to receive acts of kindness from others.
B. is comfortable accepting gifts of time or support from other.
C. learns to rely on other to meet his/her needs
D. is often too insecure to demand respect.

Enabler
2. The Enabler- a person who supports the harmful behaviors of others. The enabler may contribute to other persons harmful behavior by overlooking it and covering up for the other person. The enabler sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships when they don’t expect others to behave in responsible ways.

Clinger
3. The clinger- a person who is needy and dependent. The clinger feels empty inside and constantly turns to others to feel better. No amount of attention can keep the clinger fulfilled and the clinger can be demanding of others. The clinger sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not giving other people space.

Fixer
4. The fixer- a person who tries to fix other peoples problems. The fixers quick to give advice and identify possible solutions. By fixing other peoples problem the fixer avoid their own feeling and problems. The fixer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships because healthy people don’t want others to solve their problems and take over a situation.

Distancer
5. The distancer- a person who is emotionally unavailable to others. The distancer may have been hurt in the past and keeps others from getting too close so they won’t get hurt again. The distancer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not risking emotional involvement.

Controller
6. The controller- person who is possessive, jealous, and domineering. The controller seeks power and may tell others what to do. The controller may monopolize a boyfriend or girlfriends time. The controller sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not respecting interests or opinions of others. And people may be fearful of a controller.

Center
7. The center- a person who is self centered. The center will do most of the talking and not show much interest in what you have to say. The center wants to do what they want and isn't concerned what others want or how they feel. The center sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by being so focused on being the center of attention that the needs of others are ignored.

Abuser
8. The abuser- a person who is abusive. The abuser may constantly put down others, threaten, begin fights, act violently and force someone to have sex. The abuser may follow acts of abuse with gentleness but the abuse usually returns. An abuser sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by threatening and harming others.

Liar
9. The liar- a person who doesn’t tell the truth. The liar may lie to make himself look good, to impress or to manipulate others. Their relationships are based on lies and may be very shallow. They lack connection or commitment cause of the liars actions. The liar sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by lying to others to get the response they want

Promise Breaker
10. The promise breaker- a person who is not reliable. Will make plans with another person and be a “no show”. May agree to change annoying behavior but doesn’t do it. The promise breaker sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not keeping his or her word causing others to doubt their sincerity and commitment.

Involvement in Harmful Relationship
People who are involved in Harmful Relationship
• Promise breaker and a people pleaser.
• A controller and an enabler.
• A clinger and a distancer.
• An a person that try to changing one’s profile to fit different relationship.

How Harmful relationships affect Health status
It Affect Mental-Emotional Health
Anxiety and stress
Feeling of guilt and/or rejection
Lack of self-confidence
Negative self-esteem
Physical health
Family-social health
headaches
lack of nurturing,
supportive connections
stomachaches
failure to develop appropriate social skills
sleeplessness
injuries from abuse

A people pleaser may accommodate to the promise breaker’s behavior. A controller is more likely to be with an enabler. You definitely should end a harmful relationship when the other person threatens your health or safety.

Some ways to deal with harmful relationships include
A identifying changes in behavior that must occur
B having a discussion with the other person in which you identify your feelings, concerns and expectations
C recognizing when you must end harmful relationships rather than work to change it
D all the above

Principles of Constructive Conflict:
1) More vs. less information
Conflict is viewed as an opportunity to talk out the dilemma. Whereas, in bad relationships, one partner withdraws from the
conversation or withholds verbal input.

2) Flexible vs. rigid
In good relationships, both individuals approach the problems as a compromise. The individuals focus on problem solving, and the
maintenance of the relationship is placed above individuals desires, rather than looking at conflict as a win/lose situation.

3) Trust vs. mistrust
During the conflict there is open disclosure and you trust the other individual with your personal disclosures.

4) Friendly vs. hostile persuasion
Threats should never be used in conflict.Instead, when necessary, try to gently persuade the other individual to your point of
view.

5) Responsibility vs. blame
In constructive conflict, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, rather than placing blame on
others.

6) Contained vs. spreading boundaries
The current argument should never drift to previous problems, focus only on the current problem at hand.

7) Resolution vs. repetition
In constructive conflict, the conflicts are resolved and both individuals attempt to learn from the experience to prevent similar
arguments in the future.


Interesting shit.. damn, I love to read, dont I? I should fuckin study psychology. :P