12/18/07
So good to have today to really think about things. I did not call Chris today. Its hard being in love with someone who doesn’t love you anymore AND they can’t seem to admit it but just acts like an asshole to let you know the deal. They don’t answer your calls, they no longer communicate with you what is up with them, they make no efforts to return your calls or call you back when they hang up on you. They don’t want to see you. They are constantly “busy”. My ex Gordon did this, I don’t think Gee ever said “space” but he did say “get the fuck off my ass” “I want to miss you, God”. This was shortly before he broke up with me and we never talked again. What a game player.. no more of those for me.
So there you have it. I know exactly what this is, because I have already seen it and felt it before. Things changed for us for whatever reason Chris just became a fucking..he just became someone else, or became who he really is and it is over. He thinks everything is “fine” and makes no effort whatsoever to fix things. He is just over working at it, if you ask me. I don’t even know him anymore.
Well, so am I. I am not going to try to be in a relationship with someone so selfish. I tried to keep as busy as possible today. I will continue into January giving me no time to shop, think about Chris, or consume. I will work on my job and worry about making new friends and hobbies in the New Year.
I wanted so much for things to work out with him, but he is a stranger to me now. They way he acts, things he says, ugh, I don’t even know him anymore. To think my therapist said Chris had potential. Hmmph. His potential has gone into his sex websites and weed pipe, not into us. Mmn hpmm. It is time to meet new people in CA. Time to get a new therapist.
I am beginning to think of decorations for my new room and work out this car situation. I am not seeing my therapist until about Jan 7th! Whatever will I do? I’m afraid but also I am letting things happen as they will. I hope Craig from the party calls me. I don’t want to be alone before Xmas..aww how sad. He has a lot in common with me. His mom gave him my # at the party. She thinks we have a lot to talk about and do. Maybe we do. He also likes to volunteer and is concerned about the FED and Illuminati and various strangeness that other unaware people would think we are strange for. :P
I think I could do a lot of things with him that I couldn’t do otherwise here in CA. He also is a black belt sensei, has a Business MBA, and has a lot of respect for his body. His mother told me that when women would flirt with him while he was modeling on assignment, he would actually call them up and say and I quote her here, ”thanks for the flattery but I have a girlfriend I love very much – please do not ever speak to me again” “I am THROWING AWAY your #”. She said he was meant to be a priest and that he has always had an ideal of honesty and integrity. I mean Wow.
Chris's mom said he wanted to be a preist, but apparently he couldnt stop lying. Yeah it shows.. "oh I didnt get your call, oh I didnt hang up, oh I am not smoking, oh, I am working late" "yeah, I will be there", "I want to do this for you".. but I digress.
Anyway, I remember before I met Craig hearing that from her, I was like omg this guy is perfect for me, LOL. I was floored by him. She was like well you have your guy, and I was like thinking to myself “yeah my guy, uh, my guy thinks I am a lunatic and does not agree with anything about the future, politics or actively doing something to change the state of the world as I think”. Here is this guy who reads all the books I have read, is completely aware like I am and actually knows what I am talking about. He even read the Celestine Prophecy. Not bad for a beginner.
