The Parking Space

This is a throwback oldie but goodie lesson.

The Parking Space
5/7/2013
So I was looking for parking the other day at school. I’m sometimes lazy and try like many others I am sure, to find the closest space to my classroom since my campus is huge. I also simultaneously have been looking for work that is high paying and that I will love and that is fun!

I am in between two job offers both of which I wanted very much.. and I had been going over and over them in my head. I was thinking that maybe I would choose one and then not like it; analytical thoughts.

I decide to drop it and leave it in God’s hands and not think about it. I drive to school thinking about my exam, getting an A on it and singing Marina and the Diamonds Electra Heart album. Normally there is a circling around romantically before I find a parking space and then I will either have to walk the long way to class but I always look for the space closest.

So I am driving down the street a second time and there is a parking space right across from my class!

I try to fit my car in and notice it is a little small, but I keep thinking I will try to fit anyway because it is so much closer. After a bit of maneuvering to try to fit the car in there.. I realize at some point I am just not going to fit into this space. I cannot park here. Damn it!

Then I drove down a little further and on the same side of the street, though now two, three more blocks from my class, is a parking space that was fit for a queen and my car fits in easily. I fit right in, no maneuvering into the parking space, no parallel parking skills to show off, no spending any more time trying to get it in there. I literally could just drive my car in.

Here I came to a realization immediately. I want to work for company (XYZ)! I felt it was like this parking space situation that was teaching me something. I fit there. I may not be at my goal, I may not love what I do yet, but this is a place where I fit in. If I go where I do not fit in there will be problems and experience has shown me that. I have had jobs where I did not fit and did not feel comfortable being who I am because I am unique and those environments were stuffy or fake or .. or.. something else.

I realized in that moment of parking which position to take. I am going to try to be myself at work, again. For so many years I have put on a suit and played the person that I created in that “power” suit. That person was not happy. I don't have to try to be something I am not.

Like that parking space, no matter how far it looks from your goal, sometimes things just fit and you realize when there is no struggle that that is exactly where you need to be at that time and not compromise who you really are.

Quick thoughts

I am in school working and very busy these days so I am just gonna jot down a bunch of random things and stream of consciousness writing.

I have met someone, again. Who-da thunk? He is soo hot and sweet and cute and just says such nice things. I am in school and got my first 8 in history for the 15 point quiz GRRR that means a C right now?? I will have to work harder this semester. My surrogate family says no boyfriend right now as I need my focus on school and God. This is true, I am sure. He is also in school so he needs to focus too so he can make awesome video games apparently. :)

I look shining. I am glowing. I got that once familiar high that one gets when they are feeling totally in love and have that on drugs called Daniel and connected to the person. Dopamine, nice to have you back my friend!

See that little 17 up there? Yeah, that's in HOURS muthatrucka!

work

Work today was stressful. I am attempting to do too many things at once and maybe my time management is off or my boundaries not on. I do not know. I think they want to let me go and are looking for reasons now. I couldn't help thinking my personal issues are similar to my work issues.

Today they had mentioned a bunch of issues that they had with these open positions I am working on, will be working on, etc. They have asked to check all my communication with others for the next couple weeks and they have asked me to tone it down in requests and to be more aggressive at the same time.

What the fuck?! I am not sure what the fuck they want but I will do the best I can and that is all I can do. I am not going to fucking accept abusive expectations from anyone. Not chris, not work.. no one.

12/18/07

So good to have today to really think about things. I did not call Chris today. Its hard being in love with someone who doesn’t love you anymore AND they can’t seem to admit it but just acts like an asshole to let you know the deal. They don’t answer your calls, they no longer communicate with you what is up with them, they make no efforts to return your calls or call you back when they hang up on you. They don’t want to see you. They are constantly “busy”. My ex Gordon did this, I don’t think Gee ever said “space” but he did say “get the fuck off my ass” “I want to miss you, God”. This was shortly before he broke up with me and we never talked again. What a game player.. no more of those for me.

So there you have it. I know exactly what this is, because I have already seen it and felt it before. Things changed for us for whatever reason Chris just became a fucking..he just became someone else, or became who he really is and it is over. He thinks everything is “fine” and makes no effort whatsoever to fix things. He is just over working at it, if you ask me. I don’t even know him anymore.

Well, so am I. I am not going to try to be in a relationship with someone so selfish. I tried to keep as busy as possible today. I will continue into January giving me no time to shop, think about Chris, or consume. I will work on my job and worry about making new friends and hobbies in the New Year.

I wanted so much for things to work out with him, but he is a stranger to me now. They way he acts, things he says, ugh, I don’t even know him anymore. To think my therapist said Chris had potential. Hmmph. His potential has gone into his sex websites and weed pipe, not into us. Mmn hpmm. It is time to meet new people in CA. Time to get a new therapist.

I am beginning to think of decorations for my new room and work out this car situation. I am not seeing my therapist until about Jan 7^th! Whatever will I do? I’m afraid but also I am letting things happen as they will. I hope Craig from the party calls me. I don’t want to be alone before Xmas..aww how sad. He has a lot in common with me. His mom gave him my # at the party. She thinks we have a lot to talk about and do. Maybe we do. He also likes to volunteer and is concerned about the FED and Illuminati and various strangeness that other unaware people would think we are strange for. :P

I think I could do a lot of things with him that I couldn’t do otherwise here in CA. He also is a black belt sensei, has a Business MBA, and has a lot of respect for his body. His mother told me that when women would flirt with him while he was modeling on assignment, he would actually call them up and say and I quote her here, ”thanks for the flattery but I have a girlfriend I love very much – please do not ever speak to me again” “I am THROWING AWAY your #”. She said he was meant to be a priest and that he has always had an ideal of honesty and integrity. I mean Wow.

Chris's mom said he wanted to be a preist, but apparently he couldnt stop lying. Yeah it shows.. "oh I didnt get your call, oh I didnt hang up, oh I am not smoking, oh, I am working late" "yeah, I will be there", "I want to do this for you".. but I digress.

Anyway, I remember before I met Craig hearing that from her, I was like omg this guy is perfect for me, LOL. I was floored by him. She was like well you have your guy, and I was like thinking to myself “yeah my guy, uh, my guy thinks I am a lunatic and does not agree with anything about the future, politics or actively doing something to change the state of the world as I think”. Here is this guy who reads all the books I have read, is completely aware like I am and actually knows what I am talking about. He even read the Celestine Prophecy. Not bad for a beginner.