So last night I watched "The Notebook." Now I want to start this off saying I was not thinking about anything but getting my mind off current situation with a favorite movie and some Tylenol Cold to stop the incessant sneezing and coughing and pain in my back.
However, remembering back to November of 06, I recalled watching this movie one night and not having known Chris very well at all yet, and thinking "Wow, this guy reminds me of Chris, awww, I really want to call him" and I was missing him and not knowing at all why. Chris DOES NOT look like hottie Ryan Gosling. I even told Chris that I watched this movie and the character had reminded me of him, which he took as a compliment after seeing the movie. However, I was also angry at Chris, even back then, for having promised he was going to have some medication sent to me for my back and then omg.. not sending anything or calling. How original...this is how he has been the whole time.
However, watching it again after 1 year and half and knowing what I know about abuse, and having been through all I have. I was fucking shocked to my core. TO MY CORE! I viewed this movie with very different eyes. Eyes that know what abuse is and domestic violence is and have studied their own family history and have a clue as to why they sometimes do the things they do subconsciously and are attracted to the people they are.
The young handsome guy in this storyline, "Noah" is a sarcastic, ordering, abusive jerk with a demanding and overall disrespectful personality. However, I realized at the time of watching this, add some kind of drug/alcohol use and THIS IS WHAT I USED TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. This is what I used to think was confidence and strength and protection and worst of all, NORMAL. =(
They start their relationship by him disrespecting her "No" to go out with him. He jumps on a ferris wheel and threatens his own life, demanding she go out with him. I used to think this was "romantic" but it is actually disgusting and unhealthy to me now. He then proceeds on their date to order her around, define her and makes "jokes" about her (like Chris used to), in almost every scene. They verbally and actually physically abuse one another in another 2 scenes of "love".
The older couple scenes are much less abusive and more tender, leading me to think now the lady is suffering from head trauma and is in the hospital having been with this asshole so long. But.. and this is important---this is a movie.
Real life is much more dangerous when dramatized and idealized by such films. I realized this is what sets ME up for abuse. These first "scenes" in which people say silently "yes, abuse will be ok here".
Chris also disrespected my "no" in our first days of getting to know one another. I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told him I didn't want to kiss him or do anything sexual. I had told him no to seeing him again as anything more than platonic, still disrespecting my "no" he kept on pushing, determined and therefore abusively. My actions, allowing it all, however said "Yes, you can abuse me." "I know I don't deserve more than this." Which I actively believed and still sometimes do. I'm working on that, I have after all left him, have I not? That should say something.
Later taking advantage of me physically/sexually, and knowing I was completely under his power, being disabled AND having no where else to go - he proceeded to hold me down, make fun of me, grab me hard, order me around for 3 months.
In retrospect, I proceeded to get scared, so much so that I ran back to another abusive situation (to Brandon) just to "get away" from Chris. Still disabled, it got so bad with Chris, so soon, that I had RUN AWAY which is why I left his house in February 07. During this time, he would also go to another woman (his coworker, I was gone and leaving him so he needed a replacement but she wasn't a "sure" thing) and abuse progressed between us at an alarming rate, all the while we were both saying/thinking it was "love".
But I did not stay away, because I still believed, that I deserve abuse and was used to only that kind of treatment and did not yet know why. I wanted to hurt myself, turn it inward, and I continued to see him, his control tactics and manipulation seeming like "care" to me and called such by him. He had "given" me his car, (another way to see me, another way to control me) to use for if I needed it and a bed.
Then in May 07, when he had ordered me in the sub shop to "Sit the f-.."(aka sit the fuck down) I saw and felt something then and there. Something snapped in me. "That is it! I do not deserve this and will not accept this anymore." "After 17 years, I don't deserve this anymore. No matter what I have done in my past" and I left him on that day. I did not talk to him, told him he needed counseling and to leave me alone.
However, living with Brandon I still was being abused by a narcissist and I was not completely sure of myself or what was happening. This also happened to be the first time in my life that I actually looked into what may be wrong with me that I have accepted this for so long. 17 years is a long time to have only negative core beliefs.
Chris stopped the abuse temporarily to get me back, then when safe again and I had moved BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, the abuse continued. Though I had been smart enough this time around to get a room separated from him. I did not room WITH HIM as previously. I lived in the house. In July, he threw 2 quarters at me. I kicked him out of MY room and ordered him to get counseling. In September 07 he began NA, and in October he began Abuse Counseling, in November he stated he had been "released" by Dr. Adams and that he wanted to take me to meet his family. We went on "vacation" which he had paid for and a lot of the time was great, however, I noticed abuse toward him from his family and towards the end he began to abuse me again and I was headed for a breakup with him by the time we got home. Vacillating the whole time.
During this time I tried as much as I could to get my own life and proceed in healing myself, my back without direction, and without support. I was going to CoDA meetings which gave me perspective and I had already begun therapy. In late November 07 I decided to move out of Chris's house and into my own apartment. I think I realized even then, that I needed a life away from Chris maybe to subconsciously stop the abuse. I do not know...
On the day I moved into my new place alone - I was soooo scared. I realized I had never been on my own and really truly alone. I ran back to Chris mentally and physically. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to stand without assistance. I demanded his time and attention. I am so glad i moved here. I am glad he pushed me literally one last time, right out the fucking door and out of his life forever. I am glad I can write and say I would never ever talk to that person or see him again in any context or rose colored glasses of "caring". I truly believe I am saving my own life. When I recently spoke to the domestic violence shelter woman and she applauded me for leaving (most of all go back) she asked me to come in and speak.
The entire relationship with Chris I had been suicidal. I strongly believe that will completely cease. In retrospect, I have never actually been or felt suicidal OUT of a relationship, ever, and ALL not some, of my relationships have been abusive. You do the math.
I have done the math, and it is a sad amount left over. The fact that I was attracted to men like this for so long and they are actually idealized in movies like those says a lot about society and also movies made by men.
Anyway, this "Notebook" is a movie, shit in real life doesn't happen so sweetly or smoothly. Women end up maimed or hurt, or dead if there is worse, then worse. I am so glad I watched it last night, I am jumping for joy to be out of my relationship with him and I am hoping upon hoping I do NOT MEET ANYONE else before I have had a chance to get more therapy and figure out this issue with Dad before I get involved with anyone ever again.
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