Learning Moves and more Moves

I WAS LATER PLACED BY A DISGUSTING AGENCY CALLED DYFS AND LATER AFTER SOME SEARCHING I WAS PLACED WAS INTO MY YOUNG, 30 YEAR OLD UNSUSPECTING AUNTS HOME, WHO NEVER HAD A ANGRY AND REPRESSED GIRL LIVE WITH HER LET ALONE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ONE. SHE WAS NOT READY FOR ME. I WAS NOT READY FOR HER EITHER, SHE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN MY MOTHER, SHE WAS NOT MY MOTHER AND NOW COULD TELL ME WHAT TO DO?

NO, I THOUGHT. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE. WE HAD ESTABLISHED CERTAIN GROUND RULES IN HER HOUSE THAT I WAS TO LIVE BY AND I DISRESPECTFULLY BROKE EVERY ONE. I HATED MY NEW SCHOOL, HATED MY NEW HOME, HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. STUCK ON EARTH THAT'S WHAT I FELT LIKE I WAS. UNTIL I MET SOME SURFERS AND SKATERS NEAR MY NEW HOME WHO LISTENED TO ALTERNATIVE ROCK THEN I BECAME A TINY BIT MORE COMPATIBLE AND SWEET AND INSPIRED WITH HER AND FOR A TIME SHE APPRECIATED IT, WE READ REALLY UNREALISTIC HARLEQUIN ROMANCE LOVE STORIES TO EACH OTHER AND ATE COOKIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY AND LIFE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.

HE DID NOT LIKE ME, HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME, AND SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY "UNCOOL". NO STRANGER TO REJECTION, AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME! WELL, I THOUGHT, “I'LL SHOW HIM”, BUT INSTEAD I JOINED THE SCHOOL PLAY OTHELLO AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE SMART KIDS AND GOT AN OUT OF TOWN BOYFRIEND THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. I BEGAN LISTENING TO FREESTYLE HANGING OUT WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS (A PATTERN WAS ALREADY BEING SET UP) AND THEY WERE ALL JEWISH AND WE USED TO HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHTS IN A SYNAGOGUE WHICH WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION I COULD FEEL THEIR STRONG BELIEFS. I CHANGED THE WAY I DRESSED AND SPOKE AND THOUGHT I WOULD LEARN ABOUT ME THROUGH THEM. WE EVEN SPOKE ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL, TEENAGE ANGST, LITERATURE, PSYCHOLOGY YOU NAME IT WE DISCUSSED IT. THIS FIRST BOYFRIEND OF MINE, HAD ME OVER HIS HOUSE ALL THE TIME AND WE GOT INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE TOGETHER WHICH AT THE TIME WAS "FUN" TO ME, BUT MY INTELLECTUAL/BURGEONING CRIMINAL BLISS WAS DISTURBED BY YET ANOTHER SHAKEDOWN.

MY AUNT WAS GETTING WILD, FEELING WEIRD AND KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE, I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER THAT SHE WAS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND. SHE WENT INTO AN INSTITUTION AND I HAD NO PLACE TO GO. SHE'S DOING MUCH BETTER NOW, SHE HAD STARTED TO SPLIT UP MENTALLY AND WAS GETTING VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THE VOICES TOLD HER TO HURT HERSELF. SCHIZOPHRENIA THEY HAD CALLED IT. AM I DEFECTIVE? CHECK. AM I UNWANTED? CHECK. DID I CAUSE THIS? CHECK. YES, BECAUSE I CAUSE EVERYTHING, OR SO I BELIEVED.

ANOTHER MOVE. TIME TO GO AGAIN. WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT ME FOR KEEPS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

THIS TIME I MOVED TO MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. I HAD NOT SEEN, KNEW OR REALLY SPOKEN TO THEM MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL TRIP OR VISIT AND MY EARLY 8 YEAR OLD INTRODUCTION TO THEM WAS LONG FORGOTTEN. THEY WERE VERY OLD AND VERY VERY TRADITIONAL LATIN AND I REPRESENTED AN COMPLETE AFFRONT TO ALL OF THAT FOR THEM. I WALKED INTO THEIR HOUSE ENTITLED, ANGRY, REPRESSED AND VIOLENT. I HATED TRADITION AND I WANTED TO REBEL AND DO MY OWN THING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I OWNED THE WORLD. I WANTED EVERYTHING AND WAS GONNA HAVE IT, BY GOD, OR THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FUCKER! I HAD JUST TURNED SWEET SIXTEEN.