weeks recap

So this is a recap of this last 2 weeks.

Firstly, the Dial Us for Murder party was a lot fun. I really enjoyed it. I was at first quite nervous, not knowing anyone. The story progressed and different tasks were handed out to keep it going and there was drinking, dancing and joking around and just me playing out the character. I would like to do this in the future with friends I know. However, I realized upon going to church yesterday I was unknowingly "delighting in evil" and felt disturbed afterward. As (though I did not know it at the time) the story changed over the course of the night and the central character turned out to be vampires and the Devil.

Previous to that I hung out with Alice and we had a fun time watching Spirited Away. We ate snacks and Pita Kitchen and she helped me get ready for the 80's party. We took funny pics, talked about our plans for the 4th and I got to see her new place which is awesome! I enjoy hanging out with her.

Then prior to that I was in Santa Monica meeting up with Edward to get the crafts we made in Santa Barbara (a man I met in Santa Barbara w/ his great kids on my visit there) and try to see who he is. If I want to befriend him. The kids creations for me turned out awesome. I am proud to display them! I liked their stuff more than mine!

Edward and I talked about his "ex-wife being abusive to Lexi" when she was little and and how he has fought for the kids and that his family empire would have been in the hands of a woman he could not trust. How his relationship ended/started, etc. He mentioned it was based on "fun" and that she cheated on him and he could never trust her but sees her as a shark in the water, once bitten, and only once. He says he would go back in the water because it is an rare occurrence and will remarry. I was curious how much he would ask me about me, my wants, my interests, my likes, etc as when we had talked on the phone thus far he talked a lot and rarely asked me anything!

I wanted to see if he was capable of thinking of someone not in relation to himself like some men (abusive men) and he asked about me approx 3 times through our time together. Strike 1. We talked about God and he preached his beliefs as truth (I felt like he more lectured than passed ideas along, as he spoke in defining terms and seemingly absolute). I decided this Monday we would go to Griffith. If he does not ask more about me during this evening together I am not going to see him again and will tell him so. At lunch, he stated that he was taking the kids on a road trip and that they really love me, they think i am "exciting, a lot of fun and sweet mannered" and would I want to go with them? I stated I don't feel comfortable going on a road trip with a complete stranger and his children and he urged me to "take a chance."

Um, No is No. If Edward cannot respect that I feel this way on just the 2nd time we hang out, with no feelings, or expectations involved or us even emotionally attached to one another, how much will he be able to respect my No if I am in a relationship with him and he thinks he is entitled to something? He also mentioned in passing he blows up and throws away the kids toys when they don't do what he wants. He also mentioned in passing he would like to get a caretaker for the kids and that Lexi can learn to cook with them, no mention of Elijah learning. Clearly patriarchy. He speaks a lot about his father, and his business and fathers goals and money, and yet very little about his mother. Mother perhaps had a smaller role in the family. Elijah has been scheduled to take over the business. Mhmm. These are the clues to someone's decision making, views on women and personality that you can get when you first meet. These are those "first scenes" I spoke about in my "The Notebook" entry I have my eyes open these days, not closed and hoping. I did not like these statements either.

Meanwhile, I had been talking very lightly to Chris since the 20th - spending less time with him, watching him from afar, open to seeing him but also guarded. Here is what I learned about him in only 2 weeks time of of "building to friendship" slightly allowing him in. While Chris was attempting to befriend me he has: The below can all be learned about by women interested at The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize and Respond. (keep in mind it is also a statistical fact that 95% physical batterer cases began with verbal abuse)
Last week:
disrespected my boundaries of physical space - lunged at me in sauna!
had abusive sexual expectations of my body - pressed vocally to touch me
hung up on me in order not to yell - used withholding

This week: (notice too the fast progression of the abuses and types? this is called conditioning)
made abusive disparagements toward an idea - judgment/criticizing
Chris defined me countless # of times & ordered - projections
accused me of trying to date other people - accusations/blame
blamed me and judged my parking at church
insulted me and made jokes about me while I was injured - abuse disguised as "jokes"
angrily said he was not going to pay my hospital bills if he were to take me - anger
omitted facts about getting high and trying to see me while he knew how I felt about it - "forgetting"

All the while still saying "he does love me" and that he has generally "had a good time with me". It's just bullshit. He has shown in actions he is not consistent in good behavior, does not want to change, and will not. He only wants to manipulate/control me and when I have allowed him closer he does not truly respect me or see me as separate in the way that a non-abuser does. His patriarchy and entitlement ideas of women go very deep as far as I'm concerned and I want nothing of it. These ideas/actions/choices of his are just more important to him situationally than being a true friend, or behaving in a caring way toward me consistently. "He cannot be that into you if he is a freak or selfish or a bully." I do not want to be close or friends with this person.

He has lost me, lost his job and now...lost his apartment. I feel due to his abusive attitudes with others (at work/home) and his drug addiction as well as outside circumstances which God is allowing to occur to him to hopefully lovingly learn from his own consequences of his behavior and choices and to be responsible for them. Will he see this and get help? I think not, but only God knows what is really in his heart. I am not going to get in the way of God's gentle corrections. Sadly, his own mother or sister probably will though. He will turn to them for help and they will probably help him never allowing him to experience his own irresponsibility choices and make real changes to his life.

Unfortunately, he also mentioned yesterday he does not have the faith I have in God and though he is looking, does not have the tools. Yes, I guess you don't. I realized while he was saying all of this and thinking of all he is showing the things he has shown, why on earth would I, a now self respecting, Jesus loving, woman who knows about abuse, is capable of commitment, has no fear of abandonment, seeking truth, want to be around someone who has yet no faith and is possibly still addicted to drugs and will not stop trying to manipulate or control me for their own personal gain and makes excuses for their erratic behaviors? Why stay in an unhealthy environment and try to be healthy? THAT IS FOLLY. Even a plant will seek sunlight an a conducive environment to grow.

I am again admonished today by Jesus to forgive and not judge. To love as God loves me. I must work on that. However, Jesus does not say for me have no boundaries with others, to become enmeshed in them and be what they want me to be/do, or remain where your safety is at stake and even your faith can be compromised. The time I spent with Chris in sinful thoughts, I could have been doing God's will for me. The amount of time in his house fondling me I could have been reading the Bible and ministering. God has strong boundaries as should I with believers who are fallen and dangerous to emotional, spiritual well-being. If I am not to be part of this world, I do not want to consort with the worldly without self-control and (righteous indignation).

I will continue to pray for Chris's salvation from afar. There is no need to be up close and personal with someone who clearly is (at times) seeing me as an adversary and not a friend and not desiring of controlling their choices/actions in those times. His self (dream) image of not being abusive and "loving me too much" is too strong a denial for him to stop. Recently, he has stated he KNOWS I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. He is aware of what he is doing and not repenting. Instead of being accountable, he is blaming it on himself and his saying he is an awful person! He is crying and blaming it on his own nature...instead of...ugh. I wish he could start praying HARD and see Patrica Evans..

As far as I am concerned, I have planted the seed as best I could. He knows there is a God now and he can do what he wants with it. I have forgiven him for past grievances/trespasses, will not remind him and gave him an opportunity to make amends. I do not need to allow him in my life closer to continue this behavior toward me, as that is fucking stupidity. He must suffer his own consequences and in this case that is losing me as a friend.

In other news, I am deciding whether or not to leave CA and go back to NY for a time until I decide what I want to do with myself for God. I feel a strong calling for missionary work. I am realizing I want to go to school. Not yet sure where/when? I am returning the car in 20 days. I will be getting my own car. I have no income at this time.

I can go home in July and situate my apartment there as well as set myself up here in LA to find a school, move closer to my work and get ready for the next phases of my life.

I also need to plan to go to DR for Sept, these are the important things in my thoughts of self care today.