In every case I've ever seen/experienced, "Give me space" means "I'd rather not see you any more". I've used the phrase and had it used on me. I've seen my friends use it and have seen it used on them. It's the end of a relationship, not a relationship-building exercise. The way people make sure they are with the "one" isn't done by sleeping around- it's done by getting to know them.
http://ask.metafilter.com/100581/WTF-does-Space-Mean
A couple days ago I had gotten upset and hurt and wrote some stuff down about my dynamic with a certain someone from long ago and reasons to remain loyal and friendly pros and cons if you will. Tonight after having once more been shafted by this particular "friend" I revisited this and here is what I came to see.
The reasons for my love of this particular friend were:
feeling close to them
they were helping me with car/food/money
they are a "good friend"
i have fun with them many times and laugh
i relate to them
my nonlove of this particular friend were:
they have addict issues with drugs, porn, thrills, & food binging
they are not a gift giver
they sometimes lie to me
they are a click away from cheat
they are incredibly impulsive
now.. here is what I did I went back and looked at the good, what am I missing by not having this person in my life right?
lets start with the first
i feel close to them - well i could feasibly feel close to many people for diff reasons.. and this is not the only friend i have
they were helping me with money/car etc.. well lets look at this, help - help means to give without receiving, this person knows me and knows I cannot accept help without giving back, so technically they do expect something back and got something out of it
they are a good friend.. this was the ticker! I decided to reevaluate what makes someone a good friend.. and this is what I found..
1) ACCEPTANCE
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)
Thinking back to last night, does this person really accept me? No, they dont.
2) AUTHENTICITY
Hmm, this is easy. can a person on drugs appreciate or even understand authenticity? No. Are you the same person at home, at school, at work, and everywhere else? Do you keep personal secrets or hidden habits from your friends?
"The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert)
3) AVAILABILITY
This was definitely another No.This person is only available when its something THEY WANT from me.
True friendships take time. Are you willing to make the effort to spend time with your friends? Are you available when they need you? If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer your phone?
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..." (Euripedes)
4) COMPASSION
This friend in this category is a DEFINITE resounding NO. Countless times this friend has not only seen me crying and treated me coldly but also when I told them they were hurting me, they blamed it on me instead of being understanding and acting kind! Not only is this person cruel and sadistic when I am hurt by them but they are so cold they actually don't want anything to do with me when I am truly sad and in my worst moments. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD FRIEND MAKE.
Do you feel sad when your friend is hurting? Can you count your friend's needs before your own at times? Are you willing to do whatever you can to help your friend when he or she needs it?
5) ENCOURAGEMENT
This friend is capable of this. This was a yes. Capable doesnt mean this is a quality. This person does sometimes listen to me however RARELY (not never) tries to understand how I feel about any situation.
Are you a good listener? Someone has said, "Everyone HEARS what you say, but a real friend actually LISTENS to you." While a friend is speaking, do you rehearse your response in your mind, or do you quietly absorb what he or she is saying? If your friend shares a concern or problem, do you quickly offer advice, or do you express understanding of how he or she must feel about the situation?
6) FORGIVENESS
This is one I too must work on. However we are looking at the particular friend I am now considering letting go of forever.. on this category, this friend is also a NO. This friend is constantly on guard for me mistrusting them, even when I am not.
If your friend does something that hurts you, are you willing to accept an apology? Do you continue to rehash what happened afterwards, or are you eager to reunite with your friend and move on? Can you let the past be the past?
7) FUN
This friend can be, but really when it comes to shared hobbies, NO. Though, life does for me seem lighter when we are together, apparently that sentiment isn't shared by them. What does this friend find "fun"? Death-defying stunts, snowboarding, skating, eating, getting high, having sex with strangers, being involved in orgies and sleeping or masturbating and doing absolutely nothing else all day. Does that sound at all like me? Does this friend do what I like to do, with me? RARELY. Yeah, exactly.
What do you and your friends do, when you get together? Do you share hobbies or interests with your friends? What makes you laugh, when you are together? Do you and your friends have private jokes or funny shared memories? Does life seem somehow lighter when you are together?
"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." (William Penn)
9) HONESTY
This is a resounding drum screaming distortion guitar laced NO. This person has lied to me many many times.
Do you tell the truth? Can you see through the phony baloney, if others try to con you? Telling the truth is one way of demonstrating your respect for a friend. Are you willing to find positive ways to tell your friend the facts, even if the facts are negative or hurtful? If you really love your friend, you will look for gentle means of helping him or her improve and grow.
"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)
10) LOYALTY
This is a NO for this person also. I cannot depend on this friend emotionally and consistently AT ALL.
Can your friends rely on you to support them, even when you are angry with them? If you hear people bad-mouthing your friend, will you join the backbiting, or stick up for your pal? True friends are loyal and dependable. Can your friends depend on you?
11) PERSONALITY
This friend will always be interesting to me, but so will Louis Comfort and Mahatma Ghandi he they are dead too.
What are you passionate about? What gets you excited? When you are in a group, do you speak up about interesting topics?
12) TRUSTWORTHINESS
Friend pass/fail on this one? Fail. Friend is too inconsistent to be trustworthy in anything but very temporary requests and that is only IF THEY MATCH THEIR need at the time or involves some sexual act of some sort.
Can you keep a secret? If a friend tells you something personal, can you be trusted with that information?
"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." (Old Japanese proverb)
Even 10 year olds are capable of telling it like it is about friendship! If they know, then this person knows, and they just aren't my real friend. I mean after evaluating my "friendship" with that person, and seeing what I really already knew, its staggering to me that I allowed myself to think this person made a good friend or ever even possibly more!
I really needed to see that to actually evaluate and reevaluate what "a good friend" is, and that person is NOT a good friend. In order to have good friends, one must also be one. I have NO reason to remain loyal and to do so is foolishness. Some how to be a friend advice from children... !
"I think a good friend is somebody who you can trust and tell secrets to, and never lies to you."
Toni, 10, Manchester
"A friend should be there for you all the time when they can, not just when they want to be. They should also except who you are and not try to change you."
Abe, 14, Norfolk
"To me a good friend is someone you can share your beliefs and passions with"
Matte, 14, Stoke
"A good friend is someone who listens to you without complaining or is about blaming you, keeps in contact even though you may be far apart and has things in common with you! A good friend will always try to be there for you no matter what."
Jimmie, 12, Cheltenham
"I think a real friend is caring, understanding, kind and considerate to you!"
Kelly, 10, Basildon
There are so many ways to tell if someone's a good friend, it's really up to you what you consider it to be. But "being there for you" means they're always there to help you, care for you, laugh and cry with you, and doing things that show they want to be a big part of your life. This applies even if they're not really there. I have a best friend of 10 years, but she lives hours away. Neither of us feel that our friendship has suffered though, because I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything because she will "always be there for me."
Joe, 26
So.. there it is. Seems I forgot what makes a good friend for a bit there and got lured in once more by a snake.. this snake has been out to get me for some time.. and keeps winning me back with words.. but lots of people can say words, its TIME that backs them up and once again this person OVER TIME has shown they are not a good friend and not worthy of my loyalty that I keep showing them. Ah co-dependence.. will I never get rid of you? Certainly not if I stay in THAT friendship...abuse doesn't get better over time, it generally only gets worse.
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