Insanity

Random Thoughts and Meanderings.. this is stream of consciousness writing. Thoughts with no filter.. move on to another entry if this is confusing to you....- I have been so miserable and sad and crying in my pillow, while driving, while sleeping, while showering, and while eating breakfast and dinner. Why though? Things are already picking up. So the last 3 days have been a crazy whirlwind. Before I began to break down this way, I had had it with Chris. I told him we cannot be friends and not to contact me again. Hopefully once and for all, I don't think he will be contacting me anymore. He just needs to find someone already since it wasn't me he wanted. I just need time to get over him, to move on with my life and then look back with fondness instead of sadness, and frustration. Every time he IMs me I am tempted to say, why are you not IMing the chick you took to the game or IMing some other girl you are talking to or some other "friend" that has come out of the woodwork suddenly when a week ago you said u had no friends. Tell them you love them..miss them etc. Not me please. I don't care and I don't believe you. You are a here today gone tomorrow. ADHD lover. Nothing you have said has meaning because you do not stand by anything you say. Your like a dog, you say something and 10 seconds later you forgot what you said. Your word is NOT bond. I really like the game apples to apples. I heard this crazy misogynist Tom Leykis on the radio today, and thought to myself, there you go dude, why don't you join this woman-hating jerk's legion of male whore followers and belong to a dysfunctional family to coax yourself with and keep you in denial of ever having to change your life for the better while endlessly searching for selfish pleasure and having no real semblance of accountability or respect for women or anyone yourself? If this guy is right about the men who listen to him, once Chris has his sex life going strong, I will be old news to him. Lord knows in real life, none of the behaviors this guy gives advice to men to do will have these ignorant, full of pride men end up actually happy or even with significant love in their lives, but what does he care? Been divorced 4 times. He knows nothing about love or relationships. The guy drips venom, he is jaded. He doesn't even like or respect women. He gets paid to talk shit on the radio and make sure people are titillated enough to keep listening. The more hate spewed the better the ratings. In my own news, it seems when Chris is out of my life things automatically fix themselves.. God starts to bless me hardcore. infections gone, various money situations.. I am apt hunting and job hunting and car hunting still. found a car for 2k, found 2 jobs i'm interested in. found 2 apts that i want. got math books yay! All to the effect for trying to stay in CA and finish getting a degree as well as tighten my bonds with friends. I've been all over LA looking but yet it seems God is taking me toward some type of assistance for others kind of jobs and blessing me with cars to use, money donations from friends, AND a temp place to live. My interviews are at companies that do things like feeding the needy of CA, teaching inner city kids, managing a foot dr's office, working with international design of public landscapes..etc. All service..what is it about service? Service.. I like service. I like being kind to people. Helping strangers. C isn't like that. Everyone is admonishing me how bad he was for me, and how unhappy that situation was and would be and why go back to our bad past, and how I need to be in a more uplifting atmosphere and with someone who is very patient and that I can respect and look up to in a meeting of the minds kind of way. Someone who is gentle. Wow, really? They can tell that? Well I do know whats best for me and they seem to have come up with the same resolution as me. Their advice is when I get weak, do not talk to him and never contact him - let him go find other girls, they say, and when those girls eventually tell him the same things you have said..or he sees the same problems creeping maybe then he will be intelligent enough to change for himself and maybe not, but why waste your time? He doesn't want you. That's great news! Whoa was that my belly? Eek i need to go to the bathroom. I'm so glad he actually knows that now .. or ? Wait, didn't he know that before too? Yeah before he said he didnt want to be with me AND he didnt love me anymore.. right. I remember. Oh you love me again? Well, its too late, there will be no coming back a third time. Your quarters are up buddy. LOL. I went to an interview today and ms beam was my interviewer. I worked for her 3 years ago and we met up again today for another company and another position. It would be great to work for her again. Also in deja vu news, I went to see an apt for rent and it just so happened to be in the same exact complex that I first went to when I first got to LA in 2005. The complex of complex's that MADE me WANT to live in a complex. Maytime.. ah. I'm off to bed.. I will get over all this .. little by little... one strong love filled day at a time..i shaved in celebration, i got new deodorant another interview tomorrow. and guess who is going to start wearing perfume again? mhmm..the shredder is working again..