So Day 1 begins today. It's obvious he is no longer the guy that wants to talk to me when he gets home, wakes up and is so into me that he has to call/text or makes time to tell me so. We don't do anything together anymore. He has a phone and doesn't use it. He is not on Skype. He is not communicating with me at all about how he feels except through his action of not communicating and NOT contacting me. He has become just a guy who wants to play a video game with me once in awhile and spend time with me when he has nothing else to do. He also doesn't play with just me, he will leave group with me for his friend Ben and others at pretty much just a beckon.. If I dont call, he wont call and so on and so forth..
The break up book and he;s just not that into you (read it again last night because I caved on the "no contact" rule yesterday by playing in LOTRO with him) says the best thing to do is not see or speak to him and cut all contact and I have not been doing that. It also says I should change my room around so I am gonna work on getting my hair done and my room reorganized this weekend. The point is to take it one day at a time (like any addiction) and focus on the "new". I will be the new me. The "after" me. I will stay busy, focus on loving myself again, thinking about what I want and need, and I will keep in mind that for whatever reason I was just not this person's cup of tea. Even though I want to be stuck in the what is he thinking/feeling? cuz he doesnt talk to me about it, shit...I need to realize HE just ISN'T THINKING OF ME anymore. In between hanging with Alex, tonights dinner, and Jason and Lara's party, Sigs invitation to the pool bbq and seeing my other friends from church topped off with my first "friendly date" (David) since our breakup, I should be pretty busy.
As the book says "sooner or later he will stop taking my calls or meet someone else so just leave him alone already." "He doesnt want me to contact him and he obviously doesnt want to contact me or he would have." "If he wanted to be with me he would have and no broken fingers in the world would stop him from calling and telling me so and asking me out." "Any one word texts or "I miss you's" are just ghosts from a relationship he obviously doesn't want, and you are deeply missable so of course he misses you" and I'm not even getting those so..yeah. If its not, I love you and I want to be with you.. or I'm sorry, I want to work things out and something to that effect, then its clear he still doesn't want to be with me and I'm just being demoted to LD booty call or somethin.
A couple things are happening right now that are makin it easier for me day by day. One, when I sent my finals text telling everyone that I missed them and want to celebrate, EVERY SINGLE person got back to me and said how much they love me too and missed me and why haven't they seen me?! Dihanna has become my breakup buddy and showed me how I overreacted and overreact to Dan's yelling in the game because of my history of abuse and how his yelling pushed that button repeatedly but that realistically also that is the gaming ennvironment and it isnt conducive to peace talks. She was right about that and I realized this happened when I was feeling sensitive on my monthly and so wanted to get back with him and apologize for jumpin the gun but it is too late now he doesnt want to be with me.so now I just need to move on and have been sad since. Two, the loving and caring responses from my text made me realize, dude, all these people obviously care about me and want to be with me, why the fuck am I focusing on one that doesn't even want to make time for me anymore? Three, my family is like letting me lean on them hardcore with my crying and rants.
Even Chris said today "Every time I hear a Michael Franti song I think of your beauty, charm, perseverence and strength. You are awesome" Awww
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01FE9cPXE3M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSbdKDL8otc
Sigmund has already clearly taken Dan's place with the "everyday/couple times a day text saying hes thinkin about me" and sadly, I didnt even give him the time of day before..so I cant go with the no one will ever love me again speech.
Every single person in CA is like wanting to be with me right now, and I so need to lean on my friends in this sad time.. so in the book it also says "determine what I will replace with the times I spent with him." Most of our stuff was online, so I am gonna have to try to be offline a lot more for the next 60 days. Coupled with this breakup and losing my job, possibly having to move due to that, my life is about to go through changes.. and to top things off Miles from NY comes next week. =)
So far my list of things neglected when I was with him to be replaced now are:
*working out again (this is important to me, esp now as its time to be a superfox not a sad sally and I was doing this when he and I met)
*dancing more and possibly getting a job dancing for the summer
*getting ready for Math classes
*finding another job
*clearing out the old clutter
*keeping in touch with people and following up on contact with new people I meet
*refold every damn peice of clothing I have-clean out my closet
*make all those compilation CD's I've been wanting to make
*dust off my guitar, and the music programs I deleted to install LOTRO and play with him
Instead of calling/texting him I will call:
pray to God (I was even distracted from spending time w/ God bein with this guy)
Di
Karin
Alex
David
Sig
Momma
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