DECISIONS

6-4
I WAS WRONG. IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THOUGH IT WAS SAFER THAN PREVIOUS ONES. THERE WE HEALTHY ASPECTS. DFLATT AGAIN. WE HAD A FALLING OUT UNFORTUNATELY HE DID NOT LEARN FROM THE FIRST AND SECOND ENCOUNTERS AND I JUST CANT LET THERE BE A THIRD. I REALLY AM GONNA MISS HIM BEING MY BF. IT IS CLEAR HE DOESNT RESPECT ME AND THIS IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I DECIDED BEFORE I AM TEMPTED TO "LET THINGS GO" ONCE MORE AND TRY TO THINK ABOUT FORGIVENESS (WHICH GETS ME INTO TROUBLE MANY TIMES) I AM NOT GOING TO FORGIVE IN THE WAY THAT I HAVE IN THE PAST BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ROOM FOR COMING BACK AND IT SHOULDNT.

THERE IS NO MORE CHANCES. HE AGAIN SAID SORRY FOR YELLING AND THAT HE LOVED ME AND THEN JUST CONTINUED HIS SHIT WITH THE KIN CHAT WITH NO REMORSE. THIS WAS YELLING, SUCH A REMINDER THAT WAS OF CHRIS. WHEN CHRIS PUSHED ME I SAID TO HIM HEY YOU BRUISED ME AND YOU HURT ME... AND WHAT DID HE SAY? I AM SO SORRY! YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU... CAN YOU FUCKING TAKE ME TO WORK?

I KNEW THEN AND WAS QUICKLY REMINDED OF IT BY DFLATTS ACTIONS - I KNOW WHAT NO REMORSE LOOKS LIKE AND IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR. HE DOES NOT RESPECT ME. HOWEVER, I HAD SEEN THE WAY HE SPOKE TO OTHERS AN HOW HE HAD INITIALLY WARNED ME SUBCONCIOUSLY, "I DONT KNOW WHY IM SO NICE TO YOU, I'M NOT THIS NICE TO OTHER GIRLS" HE HAS SAID IF I RECALL CORRECTLY. HE HAD ALSO MENTIONED HOW HE MADE OTHER GIRLS CRY... MHHMM NO, YOU ARE NOT THAT NICE TO OTHER GIRLS, AND NOW, THAT I AM WITH YOU, NOW, THAT I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE NOT NICE TO ME EITHER. BECAUSE EVENTUALLY WHEN STRANGERS BECOME FRIENDS, YOUR TREATMENT OF THEM CHANGES TO THAT OF HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS.. GOOD AND BAD.

I CANT HELP THINK THAT THE FIRST TIME I FORGAVE HIM WAS MY MISTAKE, HE JUST FELT HE COULD GO ON DOING IT I GUESS. BUT I KNOW BETTER.. ANYWAY FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES I DID A BREAKDOWN. AND TO HIS CREDIT YES, MANY TIMES IN BETWEEN THE BELOW ..WAS VERY VERY NICE FOR US, DREAMY EVEN.

MARCH 8 - MEET DFLATT
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN THIS TIME HE LEFT ME TO GO HANG WITH HIS FRIENDS AFTER SAYIN HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME
MARCH 29 - SPEND BDAY WITH DFLATT - WE MADE UP
APRIL 5 - ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AMONG OTHER FLAGS I NOTICED - I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM FOR 3 DAYS
MAY 1 - DAN IS TALKING TO HIS EX, I EXPRESS IT BOTHERS ME AND HE SAYS HE WILL NOT TALK TO HER ANYMORE
MAY 3 - DAN SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN OBJECT AND NOT A PERSON - WE TALKED IT OUT, I EXPRESSED I DID NOT WANT HIM TO DO IT AGAIN - I FORGAVE HIM
MAY 17 - HE AGAIN RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME ON SKYPE - WE TALK IT OUT AND I AGAIN FORGIVE AND GIVE HIM A WARNING
MAY 25 - DAN AGAIN DOES SOMETHING OBJECTIVE, SEXUAL AND I FEEL DEGRADED AND USED STOP TALKING TO HIM FOR 5 DAYS
MAY 30 - I TELL DAN I LIED TO HIM - HE FORGIVES ME AND STARTS AGAIN TALKING TO HIS EX
JUNE 3 - DAN AGAIN RAISES HIS VOICE TO ME IN SKYPE WHILE WE ARE PLAYING LOTRO TOGETHER

SHOULD THIS GO ON, SHOULD I HAVE ALLOWED THIS, THERE IS/THERE WOULD BE A PATTERN. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT BOTH OF THE TIMES THAT HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AND I DECIDED TO STOP TALKING I WAS ON MY MR. MONTHLY AND QUITE THE SENSITIVE ONE.

HOWEVER, A PATTERN IS A PATTERN AND I WILL NOT LET THIS ONE GO ON ANY LONGER..ESP BECAUSE I KNOW THIS PATTERN AND WHERE IT CAN LEAD. HE DOESNT. HE JUST THINKS I THINK BADLY OF HIM AND THEN GOES OFF ON HIS "YOU SHOULDNT BE WITH ME", "I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON' TANGENT. MAYBE HE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING.. AGAIN..SUBCONCIOUSLY..

THERE ISN'T A REASON IN THE WORLD WHY I SHOULD CONTINUE TO FORGIVE HIM OR ANYONE WHO DOES THIS, BECAUSE HE KEEPS ON DOING THE SAME THING AND YET BECAUSE OF MY RELATING CAPACITY, I WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS THAT IF IT IS MARKED ON A CALENDAR AND LOOKED AT. BECAUSE I, WE, PEOPLE FORGET THINGS SOMETIMES OR SOMETIMES REFUSE TO SEE HOW OFTEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US OR HOW OFTEN WE DO SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE. BUT WHEN IT IS THERE IN B&W THERE IS NO DENYING FACTS.

NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT I JUST SAID, I TOO, WAS THE CULPRIT IN ALL OF THIS. OF COURSE, HE HAS A SIDE AS WELL, HE GETS FRUSTRATED THAT HE FEELS I THINK HE IS OFTEN ATTACKING ME, OR IS ABANDONING ME OR DOESNT CARE FOR ME. THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE. I AM GUILTY OF THOSE FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS TO HIM. I HAVE ISSUES WHICH WE ALL KNOW OF BY NOW ONE ONLY NEEDS TO READ MY BLOG TO KNOW THIS.. BUT OBVIOUSLY THE WAY HE HANDLES THIS FRUSTRATION IS TO RAISE HIS VOICE TO ME AND REACT IN A SARCASTIC OR MEAN WAY INSTEAD OF HEALTHY AND TALKING IT OUT.

HIS REACTION ALSO AFFECTS MY REACTION AND VICE VERSA WHICH BECOMES A CHAIN REACTION OF US ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED AND BEING ON OPPOSITE SIDES INSTEAD OF THE SAME SIDE. WHAT IS CLEAR TO ME AT THIS EARLY STAGE, IS I DONT HAVE COMMUNICATION ABILITY, I DONT HAVE THE WILL TO COMPROMISE AND I CAN'T SOLVE OUR "ISSUES" ALONE. WHY WOULD I CONTINUE ON THIS PATH/PATTERN? I THINK WE BOTH SUFFER SIMILAR WAYS AND REACT SIMILARLY WHICH IS WHAT MADE US COMPATIBLE BUT CLEARLY NOT IN THE HEALTHEST WAY..

OTHER KEYS TO THIS THAT I LEARNED IS TO TRY TO STOP BEING REACTIVE AND INSTEAD BE PROACTIVE IN FINDING SOLUTIONS WITH PEOPLE, AND NOT ALWAYS THINK SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME. I ALSO LEARNED THIS. WRITE MORE LATER.. GOTTA EAT AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF..