Signal Faded - "'I've Got a Confession"

I have been set free with the truth! I cannot say, words cannot express how happy I am right now. Warning this is prob gonna be a long post.

I talked to Chris yesterday and he and I had been foolishly trying to get back together/ After we had broken up on 3/26 and then didn't talk or see one another again until 6/15. I said I was going to take it slow but did not and we again rushed into being together. In retrospect, we also rushed back into our previous problems without really building a new friendship over time at all. All in just one month. Thats 4 weeks, and yet expecting overnight changes on both our ends. During that time 6/17 (hanging up), 6/29 (brain damage), 7/12 (delusional) and 7/15 (Paige/our past/his decision of trust/my needing his pure honesty) issues cropped.

Anyway, last night God put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his past and his present. He realized I do not deserve to be cheated on. To give a recap..last Saturday, 7/19, Chris and I had a long talk and he said he was ashamed and guilty of the things from the past he had done to me and really was not sure that he wanted to be together. Then Sunday after church he said he did want to be together and try and said he felt positive we could work it out. Monday we did not see each other. I gave up my needs for his (he was feeling very sad about work stuff) and left him alone to grieve then went to comfort him after learning about validation.

Tuesday I barely spoke to him during the day and at night I came over and asked to review the past so we could move on with the truth for our future. If he can give me this I would give him the benefit of the doubt moving forward and after going back and getting the dirty I would not bring up our past or his mistakes again so he could feel trusted and good and I could get over it. I didn't want to make anymore assumptions and I wanted to "clear the air" as it were. However, the night as I was going through it all, instead of being supportive and understanding that I needed this and that he had hurt me, he got angry and abusive with me, hurt me more and so I left crying and thinking he does not really want to do this and move on and he doesn't love me anymore to even try. However, I found out later he stayed completely silent as I was crying and expressing myself because he felt he didn't have anything nice to say which I appreciated.

Wednesday I did not call him because I was hurt from his actions the night before, and I did not hear from him all day and then saw him at mini-church where I didn't think he wanted to talk to me, or be with me or see me (I was still waiting on an answer from him on whether were going to try to be together or not) so I left him alone and tried to be distantly friendly instead of angry.

Thursday I again did not hear from him. He spent the day working, then surfing and hanging out with his friend without contacting me still to apologize (I already felt so bad from the prior days) or even to ask to see me on Friday or Saturday so we could spend time and work it out. I was saddened that Chris didn't want to be around me or see me and I tried reaching out to talk to him all night, to no avail, he did not answer his phone. I got hurt by this and resigned myself to go to sleep crying.

Friday morning I called him to tell him how I felt and ask what the hell was going on and he said "I am tired of you and this relationship." "I don't have time for this" "We always talk for too long - it's been 42 minutes" "I don't need this shit anymore" "I don't want to be your boyfriend". I went into a tailspin at this and later after some other life things occurred became depressed, suicidal and probably would have stayed that way until..

Chris called me later in the evening and told me he had evidence that he doesn't want to be with me and apologized for Tuesday night. He confessed to me the truth. I found out that Chris (while I was feeling sad, hurt, dejected and wanting to work on us, thinking he needed time to figure things out) propositioned a girl on Thursday night at the pool hall while he was playing pool with Ray. He actually actively went up and tried to pick up a girl to befriend and to be more. Prior to this he had done this only online with sex sites and at work, however now he did it in person. =( He said to me this is a compulsion of his and that he didn't want to control it at the time or know why he does it but it isn't Christian and it isn't right to do to me and he has realized that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. He doesn't get his needs met by me and also admitted he doesn't meet mine (my needs are being faithful, being honest, being mostly nice, being supportive, being off drugs, calling about 2x a day and seeing one another at least 3x a week). I asked him what were his needs and he said he did not know. He said he doesn't know what he wants right now and that he doesn't feel he even has a relationship with God or himself to get to the place where we could ever be together. I asked him what I can do and he said there is nothing I can do. "We are just not compatible and it's time for us to see the writing on the wall. We have tried for more than a year."

At first, I was destroyed by all this information. "Again!", I thought. "he did it to me again!" "I am just not good enough for him to be with only me!" Then... this was replaced with calm and satisfaction that he was honest with me and had told me everything he felt. The sadness subsided into conviction and I then felt...nothing. I realized at that point, this is what God was trying to tell me on Saturday night as I lay there awake while watching him sleep, wondering where I went wrong and why I couldn't be loved by him. I then asked Chris if this is how he is going to continue this behavior and he said "Yes probably". This is what God has been telling me and us all along. Chris will not be true to me, for whatever reason. AND...it's ok because at least he has finally told me the truth. He has let me go knowing the truth! I can go without wondering the what if's and with no more lies to be unfolded or figured out!

It felt so good to hear! I cannot say hurt and yet ultimately happy I was afterward! It was validation of my feelings and fears. It was needing to hear everything I needed to hear. I will never be his #1. He will not be with me and does not want me. His honesty was enough to make me see what I could not all along because everything was hidden by lies and half-truths and his desire to have me and others. I do not want to be in that relationship or with Chris. I want a man I can be friends with, trust, who respects me, and loves me and desires Christ, wants only me and is capable of self-control. I know now that God is really on my side! He has shown this to me and let me see and hear the truth finally. He has shown this to us, because he wants me to get closer to Him and he does not want me to hurt anymore! I think he wants Chris to get closer to Him as well. He has put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his feelings for me and what he has done. I am so so so happy. I am so so so thankful!

I woke up this am to give PRAISE TO GOD FOR LOVING ME! FOR FREEING ME! FOR GIVING ME A LIFT! FOR WANTING THE BEST FOR ME!

Verse of HOPEIsaiah Chap 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
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Psalms 120+ 121
I call on the LORD in my distress,and he answers me.
Save me, O LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
What will he do to you, and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,with burning coals of the broom tree.
Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech, that I live among the tents of Kedar!
Too long have I lived among those who hate peace.
I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.
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A VERSE FOR DISTRESS
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
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Finally, the additional wisdom of the break up bcuz its broken book, some excerpts:
"Though he may say he cares and may say he wants to be "friends", ultimately he does not want to be together and he does not really want to talk to you. He will "miss you" with having no intention of getting back together. "Breaking up with someone sucks, but once you get past the initial guilt, the overwhelming feeling is relief." This is how he feels. So while you want to know what he is thinking and the who's/why's its probably this: "he feels kinda bad about hurting your feelings, he might miss you sometimes, and even think of calling but ultimately he is relieved that it is over." "He is moving on and you deserve to also!"
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The lesson remains "Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."