Backsliding and Retrospect 2

starting over is hard. starting over again is even harder. backsliding with an ex stops progress in its tracks and sends you back to the hellish pain you were trying to claw your way out of. it undoes all the hard work and progress in an instant. though it may feel good to talk to him/see him in the moment, it only serves to mess you up in the long run. who deserves that? NOT YOU.

its always tempting for both parties to revisit the crime scene. esp in the first month post breakup. I miss him, I long for him, he may miss me too but.. BUT...he has NO INTENTION of getting back together. The point is to move to a better place of resilience, strength and whole again. optimistic self control.

backsliding not only gives an instant refresher course in heartache but moreover it makes the "friends" excuse/situation unnecessarily cloudy. There isn't anything that's cloudy about it. You're still not right together, you're staying broken up, and HE'S STILL MOVING ON.

temptations are ghosts from the relationship, bad suggestions from the voice in your head. Friends after a breakup without extensive time is the worst relationship because in effect you are saying to him, "yes, you can still have access to me WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL responsibility to me." It says "my self worth is still in your hands." "It's o.k. if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore" "i will take whatever scraps you give me."

How could something that feels so good be so bad? Doing things you did in the relationship as "friends" is far worse than the feeling of being alone. It's too much to take when he is rambling on about his life which does not include you anymore, and every conversation, IM, email, visit will NEVER result in getting back your life together. He is moving on as should you. Everyone surveyed in Breakup because its broken said the best course of action was not to see or sleep with their ex. Not 1 person volunteered said this resulted in helping them move on.

that sure as hell is no longer me. wants to see what its like to be my friend now that I am changed? as an experiment. wants to give me what he could not give in the relationship then? i'm worth so much more. so again I am jumping back on the horse and trying again. here's to another 60 days. time to get back on that horse and try again. i will have to try harder, knowing i am worth so much more! :)

lots of shit happened this week. news and pics to come soon! off to pray and sleep and try again. i led that horse to water in more ways than one. i have done what i was sent to do. i cannot however make him drink or stand by wondering if he sees the water. i must too move on.