What did happen to me last night? Let's think about that, shall we blog? What I think happened was that I went to Sharkeez and drank and later became impulsive. As I was driving there, I had thought of Chris and driving by his house but I was sober and thought better of it. When I got to Sharkeez after looking for infamous Manhattan Beach parking, I didnt think of Chris at all. I hung out with the girls, talked about work, my views, LA, NY, travel, and lots of other interesting bar talk. I drank one drink.
As I was waiting for Sandra, I thought once more of passing his house (proximity is on his side for me to think of him on Tues/Sundays) thinking "I know he isn't home. He is out on a date I'm sure." Which is actually ok with me, as I want him to be with someone else in a drug addled, lying and abusive relationship, NOT me. Thoughts raced. "Has he weed in his room? Is it messy? Are there any signs of his stated changes? Nope." Then these strong thoughts became feelings which became action because I took over my better judgement, a little enbriated. I decided I was going to go to his house. Guiseppe being there (with Sandra) did not help either, her attention was on him and not me, I really needed it but didn't realize.
So I drove to his house, walked up and saw that the light was on and shadows. Car? No. Ok. He isn't home, go back to Sandra or go home. Then as I left and drove past his car...from that moment I decided to tell him the information I had that was so important to me at the time.
Here is the thing about Liquor, when you drink and you have a phone and you are broken up with someone, have gone through a breakup, it gives you information. Information that simply cannot wait another day to get to the person who just broke your heart/left you etc. Very important Information that simply does not have any concept of time, judgement, or real cause. So I called him. It is surprising to me how easily I could see the name "AbusivePain&Lies" and still dial. Again, I know if I had not drank that would not have happened however, I did drink.
Phone+ Alcohol = Danger
Text+ Alcohol = Danger
Camera Phone + Alcohol = Danger + All over the Internet
As I called, I gave him the information and he took full advantage of this little moment of weakness. Asking "how are you?" "I am still changing" I still want to help you pay medical" "I am sorry" "I think of you every day" "I miss (list of thing he misses)our friendship" "Do you have questions?" "Is it ok if we talk sometimes?" "I've been thinking about church with you and want to do that" "I haven't smoked in almost 3 weeks" "I know I was wrong" "I see now being away from you how my drug use affected us" "I am sorry" "I want to give you a foot massage" "Actually, I got high 3 days ago" "When you are ready to look at my changes.." "I didn't get you a birthday present because there was no more money left after drugs, I wanted to buy drugs more than get you a present" "I stayed out all night maybe once or twice our whole relationship" "did you consider me sexually emailing all those women cheating?".This conversation lasted 1 hour and 55 min. As I got more tired and (maybe less tipsy too?) I realized this is the talk of a guy who is basically all talk-very little action(with the grateful exception of not actually contacting me), still doing things for his own glory/desires, is "not that into me", and is someone I do not actually want to be in a relationship or friendship with so why would I continue to talk on the phone with them? At this realization, I said goodbye and hung up the phone.
My natural reaction would be to be hard on myself, but no, because I learned something. I dont deserve to be lied to, talked down to, blamed or hurt anymore than I have already been. I have been praying to God "open my eyes so I can see, open my ears so I can hear, and open my mind so I can know.. and He is doing that.
What it should look like, it does not. What it should sound like, it does not. Therefore my mind is not falling for someone's empty words of "changing". True change will SHOW over time and I realized last night, its utterance will never come out of his mouth if that happens. He kept on pointing out that if I don't look I won't see. I think he is rushed for me to see some change and to "believe" so he can win me back, and that is not going to happen. I will know when he has changed. If he can ever change. He gave me more information than he may realize. He is going on with his life and it doesnt include counseling. "Working on himself". He is working out (trying to get thin/prepare for sport?), he is hanging with friends, and he is doing drugs with his crazy idea of "controlling the amount". LOL.
He wants to have a friend back that he lost due to his "mistakes". He views them as mistakes instead of flaws of character. His mistakes, were too many for me. To think he also said, "I love you more than I loved anyone, ever." I laughed at this, inside. Well, if the way you treated me is the way you treat someone "you loved the most ever in your life, more than family, friends, and yourself", you are in grave trouble and I am glad you will someday "love" someone else.
At his expression to at least "someday be friends", I let him know that I now have friend standards and they do not include being friends with addicts, nor am I allowing people who lie (to anyone) into my life, and people who disrespect me also don't get my company. What friendship could he offer me?
Truth be told, we may have gotten a glimpse of something other than we have known that was nice and sometimes get nostalgic want to retrieve it, but we are still very much stuck in our shit and cannot get it back anytime soon. For me, I deserve much better than what he could offer me now.
