Blast from the past to shed light on tha present 2..

"Thursday, March 24, 2005
Wagon Wheel
I am listening to the Garden State soundtrack. FACE! Sm-mack to the face! Gordon and I broke up last night. He is moving to CA in 2 weeks to follow his dreams of becoming a famous filmmaker. I am sad. I will miss him. I wish things could be different. Here I thought “oh he just needs time and we can be together after he gets his life together and gets the things he strives for cuz he really wants to be with me and things will work out for the best and we will eventually be together. I stopped buggin him about not callin or seein me, I wasn’t not trusting him or asking lots of questions, I was changing it for us, for the better of both of us so we could be happy together with the little problem things gone. Now he is leaving for good, figures this would happen.

To think of all the things his mom said to me and how it all turned out in the end is just a killer. I am happy for him because I love him but I am sad for me cuz I love him. Obviously we can’t carry on a relationship that many miles away and it’s not like he wants to run off together, nor would I. Songs I hear make me think of him, films I see, places I go, I want that to die out eventually. So no more hurty gurty. I suppose I could stay “friends” with Gordon and visit him when I go to CA to see the Dreaming and my CA peeps, and wait it all out til he realizes how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but no-o-o-o I am not like that. I unfortunately can’t see him just as a friend at least not now and by the time I can, he will probably no longer have his phone or will be living somewhere else or in a relationship probably with someone else that he really loves and wants to be with and I will frankly never call him or talk to him again. That’s my luck. Then again I could just be thinking negative. The positive of that seems highly unlikely right now though, sorry Jack Handey. Gah! Argh!

I am celebrating my birthday this Friday night at Dusk on (W. 24th -bet 6th & 7th) and since I only have one day with him for the last time, I asked him to invite his friends too so he can say goodbye to them. I thought it was funny that our last time together he wants to spend it with other people but he IS saying goodbye, and I don’t and have never been/been made to feel more special to him than anyone else he knows or is friends with. I will not be this nice again. My heart is breaking but that’s ok, I know I will be fine eventually. I just need time to get over him. As much as I might want it, it isn’t meant to be, not now and maybe not ever.

Redhead? Yeah, its looking positive. The weather is horrid and I have a lot of fixing to do with my hair. I have been a little mean to it, just a bit right? with all the dying etc. Yesterday I was shocked and awed by the way my hair looked. I cried inside the salon I was so miserable! I cried leaving the salon while walking in the snow, to the beauty supply store, cried inside the store, outside and all the way back to my house. I then set to re-dying my hair myself.. and started painting my walls to take my mind off it, if I could have done that originally I might have saved myself the $75 I spent and gotten the painting done earlier. $75 for hair I absolutely felt horrified by!!! Goddamn it. Now, I am ok with it til it starts to get pinkish. I just have to keep reapplying this semi perm color every couple weeks. I’m a hair whore, what do you know of semi permanent right?

All I know is right now I cannot allow myself to grieve for the loss of anyone, I have no time to be worrying about that. I can’t make space in my head for that negativity. I have to keep on keeping on. I have goals to accomplish. I have places to go, people to meet, things to see. Did Madonna cry over Jellybean and become incapacitated when they broke up? NO. Did Jesus become unable to go outside and show his face when he knew couldn’t see Mary Magdalene again? NO. Did Ghandi cry when he left his family for his larger purpose? NO. Therefore in following the footsteps of strong people, I will not mourn this or allow this to get to me right now.

Dude, my boss is so funny. Under the comments for the drafting of contracts, he put “chew our food” among them. LOL. I just wrote to Joel, I am hoping he writes me back. I will send him periodic follow up emails til he does.

Gah~! I am gonna get some lunch. I need it. I hope everything goes smashingly at my get together but if I go by the horoscopes today it spells they won’t. I wont let that crap happen to me. I am gonna have a good time by hook or crook! Ever wonder where ”by hook or crook” came from? Well, I’m here to tell ya…

"by hook or by crook" -----> (Phrase Origin) this phrase formerly meant "by fair means or foul", although now it often (especially in the U.K.) means simply "by whatever necessary means". The first recorded use is by John Wycliffe in _Controversial Tracts_ (circa 1380). Theories include: a law or custom in mediaeval England that allowed peasants to take as firewood from the King's forests any deadwood that they could reach with a shepherd's crook and cut off with a reaper's billhook; rhyming words for "direct" (reachable with a long hook) and "indirect" (roundabout); beginners' writing exercises, where letters have hooks and brackets are "crooks"; and from "Hook" and "Crook” the names of headlands on either side of a bay north of Waterford, Ireland, referring to a captain's determination to make the haven of the bay in bad weather using one headland or the other as a guide.

Write lata nigga…
Love, me
07:16


Friday, March 18, 2005
alright alright, I'm goin I'm goin!
Current mood: determined
How funny it is to hear people of similar backgrounds discuss other people in a sort of prejudiced way. To hear an Asian person say I don’t like boys with chinky eyes..or so and so isn’t cute cuz they have chinky eyes and then another Asian person say well I don’t like Chinese men, and someone mention how cute Japanese men are is funny to me, because I happen to know the people passing these opinions, and they are Asian. Japanese and Chinese and Korean. I also know of Latin people, myself included who only like certain other Latin people. My sister for instance is a known Dominican hater, but she is Puerto Rican/Cuban. Most Cubans don’t like Dominicans or Puerto Ricans due to their dark skin color, yet there are some Cubans who would be mistaken for African in this country. It’s all very funny and strange to me and frankly ignorant.

Greg and I spent last night listening to Big Whig, Against Me, a couple of other cool bands and watching my Privacy Policy video til we were falling asleep. He thinks I should make a book and sell all my diary entries to publishers, he says I am a really good writer. I don’t know why it is but when I watch myself perform on tape or video it makes me move or shake in some weird way. Not every moment of film but certain moments. Does anyone else get that way? I didn’t call Craig last night though I was tempted to. I kept composure and decided since I didn’t make a decision yet, there is no need to involve him right now. I am meeting with producers ..4 and 5 tonight and tomorrow. Stalking Ronson, Kalt and Dmitri this weekend. Planning tonight - getting paint for my party, beer, going dancing with Matt, and tomorrow morning going to the gym and doing my hair red and nails for next week. Woot!! Excito to el maximo! Next week. Next week. Neeeext weeeeeeek. LOL. Hmmm, I think I am gonna make plans, cuz there is a chance that maybe Gordon wont come for my b-day. He is very very busy in a transition phase and doesn’t want me around toooooo much. (breaks into song) “Freedom!” “I wont let you down but please don’t give me up.” “You got to give what you take” If he does come then he can either join me in my plans, or he can go off and do his own thing, like he has done. So that’s good then. I should make a list of people I really want to see and be around for this birthday. I also kinda want to be alone for my birthday with someone special. Hmmm. I don’t know what I am gonna do for it yet. It’s a Friday night, Saturday and Sunday celebration! This time next year, I will be with someone who has the money to treat me to whatever I want for my birthday. What? Wha nigga? Come back and looky for yo’ delf then sucka soul!

Then again I have always been a simple kinda girl, not wanting too much. Yeah right! J/k, cmp. So I don’t know its only 1:28p and I have already completed my work for the day! Argh. I hate when I am ahead like this, this early. Makes me want to eat or worse…have a cigarette. Or worse!…I don’t know YOU think of something worse. At least you know who isn’t around to bug me. God, I despise that girl. She asked me to lunch this week and I told her “we’ll see” when I really meant “fuck no, I hate you!”. My assignment is ending so I might not even be here. With me here they are all caught up and don’t need anyone now. I should have worked less. Lol. I am pretty confident about the future prospect of working in NYC again, like Jade mentioned I will meet a lot of people and hopefully get involved in even more creative outlets.
I wish I could hang out with Matt Clare. Why did I think of him just now? Weird. I guess I have been thinking about him a bit lately, I should call him, but, what would I say? HI! This is Gordon’s girlfriend, I got your numba from him hope you don’t mind, so…how YOU doin? Yo, you might wanna to chill sometime? Maybe get a drink or something? That would sound weird to him I’m sure, though perfectly innocent. Maybe it would be weird to anyone. Yo, maybe I’m just weird?? I could write a friggin book though couldn’t I? I always have so much to say when I write. But who would read it I wonder? Could someone’s life be described as a “good read”? Truth is, if you add all my entries up from the last 2 years alone it’s about 50-70 pages. I really want to get the movie made. Wow! The next contract to draft is “Clare Logistics” how is that for co inky stinkydence! I gotta go. I will write more later!
Love, me
08:12

Thursday, March 17, 2005
scrolling through billionaires...
Current mood: determined
I write during the day at work but can't post until evening so here is yesterday's and todays postings. Thas right homie I roll online to the billionaire dating site, and what?

3/16/05
What’s up? I am at assignment right now excited about tonight. I hope this will end up being something even though he lives in Brooklyn and I will have to travel a bit to get my stuff completed. He is producer ..4, seems to have a good working style, I like his music taste, and great attitude but then again you can’t judge a book by its tagline, cover or even reviews lately, so we’ll see. Last night was a good night. I had a great time. I am getting everything done I need to. I am gonna have a paint party at my house this week! I think it will be nice to reconnect with old peeps. GT’s yo to the 9’s muthabeeotch!

Spoke to Mike and he is all about doing tracks to make some money. I’m gonna ask him if we can finish a quick album of short, catchy, punchy 3 min stuff to give to publishers as a songwriting team. Now if I could just get the Wendell on board. How will I sell the idea to his stubborn ass?? I am also going to do some major clubbing this weekend and try to talk to the big DJ’s and ask them whom I can contact about working on these tracks and getting them out there to artists. Can’t hurt to try I always say, and I have the balls to go after pretty much anything I want. I may have been fucked in the love cards, but I still have my balls of steel, lightning brain, and ripe tatas for business. The great thing about where I am, starting over fresh is that I am not doing it for the first time. And law says if you can accomplish something once, you can almost always accomplish it twice because you have the experience/knowledge as well as the belief that you can do it, because you already have. First to be hit up Friday & Saturday, Dimitri From Paris, Mark Ronson and Lee Kalt.

3/17/05
So last night I met with Craig and it was eye opening and some surprising fun. He like the others made mention of how he could tell how serious I am and how determined I am and how he wants to be a part of that. Yay! I still don’t know who I am going to choose to work with though. I feel like I should narrow it down to 2. Then I met up with Jade and we had a fun time at the Coffee Shop surrounded by who else but sweet (and I mean that) Mary Kate and Ashley or however u spell it. I was feeling very animated and Jade wasn’t turning me down on it. Lol. Later, outside I just so happened to mention that I wanted to get a piano player for the tracks and I just so happened to be talking to Joel Simon! Google him. JSM Music. Anyway, he said to get him some songs and he would like to help me out etc and to get in touch with him cuz he liked my style and Jade’s hat. ;) And what you got?

So how awesome is that? I was saying to Craig in Brooklyn how my goal is to document my life music and get it all on CD and then maybe sell the songs for movies/commercials etc.. and there I am in NYC talking to JSM about sending him stuff, the commercial music king. Talk about turning your desires into reality. I am not going to lose this chance. I have to get this CD done, I may feel that I have lost the band passion but I definitely haven’t lost my drive or my skill in being able to get it across to the right people!

Maybe Wendell and Mike might even get on board if I tell them of Joel’s interest. Hmmm. Could I use that as my bait? These are the times I wish I could speak to Gordon, he knows above all how to use people for his own needs. He does it almost without thinking about it, his selfishness affords him that. A skill I need to cultivate alot more of. Well let me try to think of it on my own. What is the essence/advantage of the situation? What can I do to get what I want? What am I willing to do to get it? How can I use him to get me to where I want to be? These are home thoughts not work thoughts. Planning, planning, plotting.

What else. I am finding myself hating my co-worker.
love, me
08:35

Monday, March 14, 2005
"let go" "just jump in there's beauty in the breakdown"
Current mood: devious
My worrying wasn’t unfounded, Gordo wants to spend a little less time together. I am ok with that. We talked and there is "a plan" so I am feeling really good about us for the future. Today is a great day. Studio to go see some more producers about working on this album. I found out that I am going to be kept on this assignment til possibly end of June. Interesting indeed. In no time at all I will be whizzing those contracts.

I am researching plugins for Pro Tools and DP3, Then meeting up with friends, finally. LOL. What the hell do I care what NME thinks is the coolest band on the planet? God, myspace is becoming so “mersh”. City of God is one of the best movies! Anywho, I will try to write more later.
love, me
10:11

Thursday, March 10, 2005
love that chicken!
Current mood: pensive
Solo career at last. I might actually start working with Mike again on music for commercials. We’ll see, that’s always exciting and fun to do.

I am frustrated and happy and pissed all at the same time. I don’t feel friendly on the outside at all. I feel like there is so much going on around me and I am not being a part of it. I don’t know what exactly I want to be doing, but when I look at my friends’ blogs, I notice something is missing from mine, besides entries. Have I become mundane? Am I not wearing my party hat often enough? I feel like I have spent so much time at work and with my man that I have not done anything with my guy friends. I miss them. I need to force myself to get out more this weekend. I don’t know if it is that I just want to get fucked up beyond “lights out for her” or if it is just that I feel ..fuck I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I’m getting on cuz after awhile doing drugs and drinking and partying every night away just doesn’t have the same allure that it does when you have really nothing else to do with your life and you’re just dreaming about doing shit with other people who dream about doing shit but you all end up getting fucked up and doing nothing together-alot. I am just anxious to get shit finished I guess. I don't like to leave shit hanging. I hate that shit. I want the things I set goals for to start happening. Nothing’s overnite, I know. But whas the point of makin fuckin plans if you aint gonna roll on it like a train? It’s not like I am not doing the work that’s for sure but in the same token I don’t know if it should be all work and no play. I am not playing with the other children, I am not paying attention in class and at sleepy time I am planning and plotting. Yet, somehow commercials and myspace make me feel like I am losing out.

The other thing is money, I have enough, I have what I need and then some but I still feel as though I should be saving more of it. I don’t want to just go on a cruise or something but I have the urge to spend a lot lately. Why? It must mean something is missing for me right now, no? I just scarfed down some my fave Popeye’s, new home of shrimp, as well apparently. Who says you only got to eat chicken? CMP!

Gordon is another thing, once he starts working too how the hell are we gonna keep it
together? As it is I have a hard time seeing him if I am not going there. It’s only been 4 days since I have seen him. We had a great time in DC. I wish I could be as calm as him about our relationship, but eh I worry.

I think I might take a class or 2 in June. Keep me out of the house and in motivational stride. God I am so smart. Sometimes I don’t want to be sensible. I should go away but where? Why the hell do I feel the need to rest when I have just gotten over with my leg and have only been working for a week and half?? Plus then I think, well I cant go, I have a lot to do here. Er, I don’t know the butter is melting..or hardening, my dick is though. I will try and write more later on.
Love, me
13:45

Tuesday, February 22, 2005
privacy please???? how about being honest instead?
Current mood: frustrated
i am in full agreement with anyone who seeks or requests their privacy from people they don't know or people who have some ability to harm them or their status such as the government or credit card and various insurance companies or internet establishments that are less than reputable, etc..

i however do not feel that way about people who seek to be private from their loved ones..or significant other. I am sorry but if you need to be "private" or feel someone is invading your privacy then to me that is reason for mistrust. Trust doesn't breed mistrust, to me privacy does and extreme privacy at all costs looks to me like a shady fucking deal.

if "someone" gets wind of something that is going on that probably shouldn't be and mentions something to one person then suddenly the person gets paranoid and thinks their privacy is at stake to me, they are probably doing something wrong and going to hurt their loved one.

if another someones boyfriend happens to be in complete agreement with this type of privacy and paranoid feeling and takes steps against his own loved one (creating another desktop for example, taking ones phone wherever they go even to the bathroom, etc) doesn't that mean he himself could also doing something wrong possibly as well?? to me it does and for this reason i am writing. i said i was going to trust until i don't have reason to and it seems right now i dont but these actions sure as fuck aren't boding well with me right now.

Chickies, boys who don't share with you, in my opinion have something to hide, or are probably not mature enough to be with you or are fucking shady womanizers. End of story. Drop em like its hot.
16:17

Tuesday, February 15, 2005
naughty naughty jungle of love!
Current mood: energetic
Valentine's Day weekend. What can I say? Actually not much due to loved one censorship. ;) He dont want me writin. It started out great and ended great. Gordo Rockets is still my hero and still to me "Gordo the Great." Mr. Gee I think loved all his gifts. He made me some awesome dinners, gave me the sweetest gifts (the Louis Tiffany he snuck off and bought me the book so I would remember it always, how thoughtful!) and words of love. Yes LOVE...origami butterflies, doves, Central Park visit, our special internet song and watercolor, movies and 105 kisses later and and I feel generally happy and content and that is exactly how I should feel. It was the best ever.

I don’t know what is up with my new band. I think we might break up or something, there seems to be some issue, but no one else has enough experience with this kind of thing to really resolve it, or give advice either that or they aren’t telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We all know I'm no new jack to band relationships and I have learned more than a thing or 2 about this bizness. lol.

I hope that’s not the case cuz I have been attempting to work my ass off with this band. Getting my shit together, getting to practice, bum leg, sicknesses and all, and writing songs, which they don’t seem to notice due to their impatience in “getting things done”. I love them though and no matter what happens as long as they don’t use my songs…I wish them the best of everything with/without me and will support them either way. I’ll write more later!
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