35 minutes of remembering the past..

I like to periodically look back on what I have learned and lessons I gleaned, sometimes its something, sometimes its absolutely nothing.


6/21/04
I am feeling happy and good this sunny day. How are you? My weekend was good, and busy, filled with productive things..lol. I am told I have a whole new attitude on me.
Friday after work I went out for drinks @ Houlihan’s with the guys in the Tech department. It was nice and we had fun, I realized I am not really like other girls. I got a little tipsy and I met the 2 new guys, Daniel, one of which doesn’t really belong here it seems. He is smart, and funny, and well interesting. I talked about him all weekend at one point or another and today I saw him and ignored him, go figure. Then I went with Otto and took him to Red Lobster for all the rides home he has given me, he was good company and we had a nice time. Ryan’s b-day party was @ Lit and it was nice, I went mainly to see him but Alex was there so I finally met up with him too. I was getting into heavy conversation with the owner, David, whom I gave the digits to. I like him, he is sweet and smart and he knows Nick (porn guy, long story).
Then I met Mike standing by Carlos D. from Interpol (a band I love, btw) and we started talking. Now this easily could have been a 7 minute conversation but we just kept talking and talking, then it was like 4 am and when they said last call I made a beeline for the bathroom and there was a girl taking like 4 hour and no tp available so what do I do? I went to the guys bathroom where there were like 2 guys and was like “hey.” “I am gonna be pissing here, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.” So there I was pulling my pants down in front of 2 male strangers and neither of us had a care in the world..then Mike comes in to use the bathroom as I am pulling my pants up! He missed the peep show..lol. So we stay a bit to see if I see Ry to say goodbye, but he isn’t there so we leave and walk to Odessa on A and have breakfast. We have a nice time, make jokes about Lavababy (the band me & Lily auditioned for) and then go to our homes. I’m drunk, its 7am, I call Lily to remind her that we have practice in 4 hours at Ben’s house. I’m a dork.

Saturday Lily & I go to practice..o wait, the dream. Sat. morning me, Ryan, his girl, Ben, his girl, Carlos D. and some other people are all in this big car, talking about where we’re going next and driving fast, smoking weed, cigs and then we do cocaine, interesting stuff. So I sniffed and woke the fuck up..So we go to practice I am totally hung over but ready…we get to Bens and we write 2 songs ..it was great.. we even videotaped us writing it, so we have it for future. Steve didn’t make it cuz he was celebrating his bro’s b-day party. Then we decide to color our hair blue/ black and get pedis, we go back to Brooklyn and I heard The Faint for the first time, I fell in love!

So we are there on the back porch, half naked, talking to the guys next door (they want me us to model for their clothes site), with dye in our hair, smoking cigs and its freezing out, but The Faint is playing so who cares, right? Then I have to go to the Art of Shooting show @Trash but I don’t make it cuz we still have to wash and condition each others hair! So at some point Lily asks me to go with her to meet her friends from NC, we go to Red and Black, Nick is gone. They love it there,its good times, we stay til like 5am and I danced my ass off with Lily, Jamie,(Gina’s guy) and Mike. Ahhhh, Mike. Yo! Let me just talk about Mike for about 3 minutes here, Mike is a hottie who came from NC to intern at Matador and be scouted by modeling agencies, has a girlfriend there who is insecure and jealous and tells him what to do. Mike is BEAUTIFUL. He has perfect cheek bones, great emo/punkrock hair, and a tall lean body. He dresses well and has a great smile. Now, he is not that smart, nor can he dance (he prob cant u know what) but looking at him could be a pastime. Needless to say, I want him. I am putting him in the video.

Sunday I am supposed to go to the studio. I wake up late and run out of Brooklyn! I get there and Vinny and I start talking about what we want for the album etc and I tell him about murdering beethoven, he is excited, but wants me to show up for sessions when I say I will and call him if I’m not. Understandable. I am not going to make a habit of that.. then I get home where I can finally get some sleep and do I? Nope. I start returning calls, and call Mike (the one from Lit) back and Dave. (a guy I met on the bus who is a great poet and sexy as hell) Mike asks me to go to a comedy show with him. Dave asks me to go and hang in his cool car. I say yes to Mike and get ready…we have a nice time and Mike is so smart and sweet, I may actually date him.
Finally I get home @ 12:30am and crash in the middle of my bed with my clothes on listening to The Killers…so yeah, my weekend was sweeeeet! I loved every second and I think my hair is with me on that.

With that this is today's horoscope "Whatever the weather is like outside at the beginning of the week is completely irrelevant, because wherever you are it's hot with a capital H. Your prowess at pretty much everything is staggering -- why not turn some of that sexy storm of energy on your love life? Amp it up, and your honey or that hottie will follow suit. And don't delay; your forecast is prime Monday through Wednesday. After that, you may be distracted by silly little details of day-to-day life, and frankly you've got bigger and better stuff to do."

8/9/04
So Josh and I kinda broke up over the weekend though we were never officially together. The reason is I flipped out and got all-emotional and accused him of something he wasn’t doing and didn’t give him his space to do his recording. I wrote badly about him in my blog on a whim and he read it and got waaay offended. So things are eh for us now, and he has issues with Claudia still. I really like him and it’s unfortunate he doesn’t want to be with me.

In other news, on the same day I saw Oddatee on the bus and he told me how he has wanted to be with me for the last 4 years and though we lost touch and have had other relationships, he has always liked me a lot and wants to go on a date with me, and wants to be in a relationship with me. He, like Josh thinks that because I am a musician that things will just work out. That I will be more understanding than the other girls that have loved them, and wont expect them to give anything substantial that will take away from their love for succeeding. Marco in the same token wants to date as well, but for some reason I don’t feel I can trust him and I have to go with that instinct. I don’t know what he wants from me and he is sooo sexual. That is the last thing I need right now is to get hurt by someone who doesn’t know what they want.
I saw Yotam yesterday to give him back his stuff and wow, I had no feelings for him either way. It was very nice. I guess that means I can get over Josh or anyone given enough time. I was with Yotam closely for more than 6 months and here I am 2 months later seeing him and not caring one way or the other. But I don’t really want to get over Josh, I think he and I are good together, but I guess I have learned not to push it. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with me and I just have to move on quickly and not look back. What I don’t understand is that inevitably it seems no matter who I am with, I find that they don’t want to be with me or cant handle being with me. What the hell am I doing wrong? I don’t know, I mean, I have so many great qualities and a lot of love to give but they don’t want it. What’s wrong with me, or is it them or both?

I know who wants it, David. With David think I would not have these problems. He is 43, creative, well off and happy with himself and his life and his art. He has been there, done that with his life and he still has spunk and joi de vive. He has that beard that I don’t like and he is a little chubby but other than that, damn he is wonderful. He is attentive, affectionate, understanding of my career aspirations and unselfish. I am going to see him this week and be open minded.

I talked to Lily yesterday about the future of the band now that Ben and Steve are gone. We are moving forward without them and gonna pay for rehearsal space and get pay to play members. It’s better for us this way. We are going to finish the songs ourselves and pay studio musicians. Also, I have decided I am gonna finish Happy Fake and Treated this way and the 4 other songs on my own as well. I’m shooting for a CD of all my stuff that I have written, my own CD. Not to sell, but to have and consolidate all I have done and be proud of before I get too old or too lazy to keep recording. I don’t see that happening either though, because look at me? My unflinching ass is still going after 7 long arduous years.

Come the 24th of August I make 6 months at my job! Woo hoo! I love this place still as much as when I first got here, EVEN WITH the Fergal issues and the departure of my supervisor. Write later.

8/10/04
Spoke to Josh last night and he told me how much he loves Claudia and is deciding to be with her after all. Well not with her with her, cuz she doesn’t actually want him when he wants her, but still into her and hanging out with her and being her best friend. He suddenly doesn’t want to see me after all. It was cute actually, reminiscent of what Yotam had said, “oh, you’ll get over this.” and the ever popular “its not you, at all”, it’s nothing against you, its me”.

LO fuckin L cuz if I don’t laugh I will cry. My supervisor was talking about how her sister is getting married and she wonders when will she get married and how every guy she has been with has gotten married right after breaking up with her and this just made me depressed to hear her talking about it like it’s a joke. I know she doesn’t think it is. I certainly am not laughing. Overhearing that conversation is what made me write this.

The funny thing is without the marriage parts, that’s the same as my situation. They leave me ( for one reason or another, but they all usually gave the same reason) to be with the person they will really love. I’m just a fucking precursor, a prototype, the trial sample. I’m the in between girl. Good times, good sex (if that) some music, and lots of laughs. Yeah that’s fuckin great, huh? They meet me when they are about to have a fucking sunshine breakthrough with someone else. No one is ever gonna write me those pretty songs. I’m gonna have to write about myself. Shall we go through the dates for some authentication? First there was Chad who left to find his Rachel, then Johnny to be with (out of fuckin nowhere) sudden love of his life Johanna, Yotam with his new Muon (a week after me), and now Josh with his Claudia of course, who has always been there for him, (not actually there with him in a working relationship, but) in his mind.

Adam told me yesterday that most men want window dressing not a sexy, intelligent, ambitious, passionate, emotional woman like me. They want someone easy, someone who doesn’t think much/talk much/argue much I guess. Well how the hell is that? How can I be window dressing? I want to be happy too damn it! I don’t want to die alone and succeed alone! What do I have to do? What do I have to look like to be this girl? How do I have to act? Wtf?

I can't think about this now. Back to work, I will write more later.

3/15/05
I got this amazingly insightful email from his mom yesterday that was really helpful in making me forget him a bit more. The one nice thing was that she said she loved me and that he loves me very much. What a sweet sentiment. I am seeing Rob again, hanging out with Matt, and meeting more women as I can. Scott is also gonna be a bit of a fixture.

I am keeping busy with music stuff and finding a studio to do this in. I am getting the same thing over and over everywhere. Which is do you have the tracks separate? No I don’t, so what can we do instead? Lol. There has to be a way around that. Or maybe I should just cut my losses and start over again? I don’t know. The whole thing has me a bit frustrated. I mean this is the last 12 years of my life! Maybe I should just talk to Wendell and Mike and Chris and try to get the tracks I need. I guess it couldn’t hurt. I will call them all tonight and tell them why. I’d hate to have to pay people to recreate what we have already done and just didn’t finish for one reason or another due to personal differences. Grrrr.

So I am not seeing Gordon or even probably talking to him til my birthday, who knows if I will see him even then. He needs “space”. Who knows that he will want to spend too much time with me even on that weekend. So I will make other plans and just try to see him on Friday night and maybe Sunday afternoon if he can swing it.

By every conversation we have I feel more and more that he is ever growing distant. I’m over it. I really need to move on. I know he can be checking his Myspace mail, blocking me from leaving sweet comments, and chatting online but not talking to me or saying more than 4 words to me. I am not going to take it in a wrong way, I am just realizing its time to let him go and thoughts of him completely not just a little, completely. No more emails. No more calls. Goodbye Gordon. With his 9-word response email I am sure he thinks that his quota to speaking to me for the day is filled. I don’t really need a guy like that right now. Look at how little I was willing to accept from this guy?

3/29/05
I was born on this day. Wow. It’s just as cloudy/rainy as it was then. I am feeling good and happy with the situation of things. Its weird to say now but I am kinda glad Gordon is not with me. I don’t really think we are that good together in retrospect, he is sooo selfish, with me! I still love him but my god, he is like a male Madonna. All about himself and woe is me to anyone who might get in his way. He is only nice to get what he wants and he always wants something. If you cant give it to him can you introduce him to someone who can? He will do anything he can to impress people that he feels can get him what he wants, which is sad and ambitious all at once. Somehow I could see him rationalizing gay sex in order to get what he wants. He can rationalize any reason for doing anything as long as the result is what he wants. No shame he once said. He also told me that he was a user and rationalized it as “getting hooked up”, no, you use people.

He didn’t even call me to say Happy Birthday. Whatever. I have worn out my usefulness for him. When I told him about the party he missed cuz he was hanging out with his friends and how he could have been meeting people for CA, he was almost salivating. He was like “o why didnt you tell me that?” In other words had I told him he might have pretended like he was having a good time with me so he could meet the people he felt were important to meet. Why didn’t you just not dis me, you jerk.

I think I am gonna see Rob tonight. I went to get my tracklights yesterday for the apt and more paint stuff, and I also got some colored candles and rugs for the blue area. I think the apt over time is gonna look soo cute. I just need to keep making duckets and find more ways to make bigger duckets. “Duckets”, I havent used that in a long time. “Cool beans” has seen no resurrection either. Time to get to work, I will write more if I can later.

9-17-06
So I found out last night that my ex sort of unexpectedly - ( I had just woken up from sleeping to go to Lillith’s b-day party, and what a wakeup call too) is definitely already fucking around and he’s not even talking about it like in a proud way. It kinda hurts me cuz its like o you didn’t have sex with me, or want me, but your content to pay some chick in weed to fuck you? Do you..I guess.

What the fuck is wrong with you son? This inspired me to write such eloquence as Lyric #2 which is “I’m so glad I found out that you a ho,- bitch. I’m so glad you found the do’ - bitch.”Yeah.. so I’m ready now.

There is no going back. If there was even an inkling that "wow.. this is cool, that we are apart and we are getting along so well maybe someday..fuck that! I don’t want that skank. Or his skank's sloppy seconds. LOL. Ugh he's so dirty. I’m worth so much more than that. Another one I will never return to.


06/06/07
well there it was. none of my business innocently sitting there (as a bottle of wine can) and saying nothing next to a bottle of beer. Chris and I have broken up and in going to calm Roscoe I saw it. how do i feel about it?

1 chris is no longer with me and can share bottles of wine with whomever he wants - less violence toward me the better.
2 I dont think at this point in time drinking is going to help him at all to be less violent after what i have read
3 how can he say the things he does to me and then go drinking an entire bottle with someone else?
4 oh wait denial and abuse has answered that question, there is no reason..reason is for rational people, abusive people are not rational - he is not in my reality. he has no reason for doing such things he is propelled by need to act/react - instead of feel - hurt to others and hurting himself like a lunatic.
well.. there it is.

10/1/07
This relationship was less than a year. And just like that last night after no sex, our relationship is over for Chris. He said the moment was when I wanted to clean myself before he went down on me. Now so if I had let him, would things be workable? Had we had sex he would have still cared for me and wanted to be with me and try? And because we did not it was his final straw. And because he left me and I was feeling miserable and unwanted as he has assisted me in feeling the last 2 weeks I was hurt, sad, and angry.

Now he wants “time/space”. He no longer wants me because I relapsed, threatened him, and I cannot be forgiven. No matter that I forgave him time and again, no matter that I have given myself to him time and again, no matter that I still cared and wanted to work it out and had already changed my tune and perception from one that was not working to one that was going to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. No none of that matters now. He was just like Brandon and Gordon with his “I’m over you” sighing to my cries of loving him and my pain of him leaving me. He was just like them in his nonchalance “you are really bothering me with you’re trying to get me back and arguing your point” attitude. “I just don’t and won’t ever want you”. “I need rest, can you leave please?” These were his words..

11/12/07
Relationships, Breakups, Crushes and Boys/Girls I Have Had, Wanted or Loved (A Recount) inc original from 5/14/03
Boy in Germany: I'm five, he's five, I’m, cute, he’s cute, he's my “boyfriend” and I'm his “girlfriend”. Must have been an easy breakup since I don't remember it. LOL

Eric Weber: 4th grade. My first crush, a Leo. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and quiet. He looks absolutely amazing to me! Head over heels for this boy. He makes me blush in front of my whole class and he calls me mean names at our bus stop, he also stands by while David and the other boys attack me in Tanya’s house.

Scott Meyers: 4th grade. He is cute but I don’t like him. He’s just another boy at another party. I think Halloween. Back when my Mom was well and wild she threw me a party she made me do 7 seconds in heaven with this boy in our bathroom.

Eric Weber: I’m in 5th. Yes, still am in love with him. He threw water on our speakers I got beat up by my dad bcuz of him and he also tries to drown me in a bucket. I still dreamt of him walking hand in hand with me on the playground.

Tommy: My god this was my cousin! Nonetheless I wanted him. I pretended he was my boyfriend and that I was grown up.

Mike Passaro: This boy was at first a fill in for Eric W. who didn’t like me. Then we had genuinely good times together. We were into Flash Gordon movies, and comics, he thought I was beautiful and we hung around each other playing everyday. My parents knew his parents, they had huge cookouts and trips.

Eric Weber: 7th grade. Damn when will this boy ever notice me? Doesn’t he see me following behind him? Isn’t he impressed when I speak loudly in his vicinity? Doesn’t he see all the other boys noticing me like I’m a new human? I have a damn tan! I am growing boobs! I went to faraway locales! Look at me!

Joseph Pizzi: 8th grade. OMG. This boy actually made me forget about Eric. He is on the football team. He is popular, he is older, he has a lot of money (or so I think). He is amazing looking. Dark brown curly hair, wide set dark brown yummy eyes, and his body is beautiful. He has a gorgeous smile! Eric? Eric who?

Here is where things get tricky. By now I was 14 and what they call “boy crazy”.
That Summer – I didn’t know which way was up. My mom was letting all these people stay at our house. Yes, even boys. I liked all of these boys for one reason or another. But who could choose?
John / Vinnie / Paul
Dave / Mike
Bryan W
Jeff Rosenthal: our class clown, no girl thinks he’s cute but he is simply awesome in my eyes.
Jeff Pate: He is a southern sexy blonde who is in my Math class.
John Thomasiello: Wow. He is a skateboarder and doesn’t even look at me or know I am alive. I start skateboarding again.

Eric Matheny: 8th grade. My first little sort of boyfriend. God, did he love me in that puppy love way. I am such an asshole. He told my mom he wanted to “wedding kiss” me, said he loved everything about me from my head to my little “dolphin” toes. I really fucked this one up. I hurt this poor boy in every way a girl could hurt someone at 12. He became a jerk after me. His innocent little feelings. =( It makes me sad just thinking about it.

Robin Baitz: The bad friend who I hurt Eric with. I should have known when he showed me a book by Anton LaVey I was in for trouble. I was really crunching on him. He was very cute. I kissed him and not Eric. He was a great kisser for 13, he must have gotten around. Those parents were never home. Eric found out, sadness ensued.

Willie Baez: He is my boyfriend but only on the phone. We talk often. We never see each other. At 13, he lived what seemed like a gajillion miles away.

Alex Johnson: 9th grade. My metal head banger hanger. We had a cool relationship more like friends but with 1 or 2 kissing benefits. We kissed and it was wet kissing and it was once in his little lofty area - a boys room for sure.

Here is where I suicide(1) and leave home.

Chuck: He was going to cook dinner for me and try to be romantic instead I tried to kill myself on the way to his house finally wanting nothing more than to leave mine and never ever come back.

Barry Kaufman: My first real crush, crush and boyfriend. That nose and that freestyle music! I was really into him. I almost moved in with him. He made me the best cheeseburgers! I tried to jump out of his moving car. We stayed together for a year.

Brian Burns: This alternative/emo boy had me by the balls. Hook line and sinker. I never kissed him. Not a boyfriend, but a guy I was crazy about who thought I was a total dork and probably a stalker, if he thought anything of me. He looked like some beautiful junkie godling with his tall, rail thin body, pale-green eyes, paper-white skin, and red hair. I might mention also, not the warmest guy you've ever met. He never smiled, and I never saw him laugh.

Rich Polaski: his friend. Sexy surfer boy. Mmmhh. I kissed him in his den on his couch one late night after sneaking out. I got lost in the woods of Linden, well manicured lawns really but when your 15, its like its the woods!

I try Suicide attempt(2) shipped off to the Dads part of town.

Erman Kim Puebla: This man is my first teen love. We write rap rhymes together. I learn what domestic violence is. I get comfortable and take a seat there. We hurt each other. He puts a gun to my head. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. We plan marriage and kids in the midst of abusive madness. We do drugs together and cheat on each other. We stay together for 4 years. Oddly comfortable with him after leaving home. He beats me almost daily. Until he tries to throw me in front of a car after waiting outside for me all night until I exited a nightclub. He goes to jail; I leave him, my injuries and our relationship in Rikers Island NY.

Leslie: we dress Goth and have sexy displays of affection on Webster Hall and Club USA dance floors. We got drunk a lot and were both pretty confused and miserable as women at the time so we decided we were for each other.

PeeWee: Its Latin for ..? Well, I don’t know but he was a latin hottie who lived across the street. Another Leo. He was smoldering and he had a gf or was she an ex? She was going to beat me up. We listened to Poor Righteous Teachers and made up dances in his “sala”.

(there are boys in between here I liked and I know I’m forgetting)

Brendan: He lives kinda far and he really likes me but we only hang a couple times and nothing really happens between us. He took this really memorable picture of me that everyone says I look just like Selena in.

Randy Maglasang: I never kissed him or anything. A beautiful artist. I liked him very much. We hung out a lot. He had a car so he can pick me up anytime =) He took so many pictures of me, and video, and made me paintings of me with my guitars and my instruments. He hand wrote me love letters, filmed me, and he changed an entire SAT test wording to fit our relationship with questions about us for me to answer. Do you know how many pages and questions an SAT has? How long that must have taken? I love that kind of dedication. When I finally wanted him he said when you are famous look me up. At that point, I realized like all other men, he is a fucking asshole.

Evette: Evette and I have a history that cannot be put into words. We shared a lot together, we were both confused abused little girls and we did things that are indescribable and some that will never be shared with anyone.

Fathey: Younger than me, when I met him he was in a “K-Hole”. He is really quiet and the other guys around at the party are noisy and boisterous, so he is the one I went for. I move in with him. He does hardcore drugs. I try crack. He was everything to me. He reads my mind. He is intelligent. I fall in love. We have sex. It’s great; He was large! I find underwear under our bed. I suspected him of cheating and left him forever.

Carlos Polanco: A good friend of an ex from my childhood (see Baez). We immediately connect, become tight, which leads to more. We do acid together, smoke weed together daily. We have sex constantly, and for hours. We share our poetry, views on politics and write music. He plays guitar and inspires me. He is smart and witty. He also has roaming eyes and lips unfortunately. We smoke mad weed together! I intro him to cross dressing, NYC nightlife, the rave scene, homosexuality and vibrators. “Five to One” will always be my song for him and our sex. He cheats on me and I end our relationship. He becomes a cokehead and robs me and my family blind 2 years after our breakup. I forgive him and invite him to my new place to meet my new bf. He becomes one of my biggest fans. I intro him to the videogame Tibia. We become Tibia videogame addicts together.

Joe Pizzi: This is the boy I had the crush on in HS. I meet with him again. He is into me and we start to go out. HE is not the boy I went to school with, he has changed ALOT. He does drugs, steals, doesn’t work or want to, and listens to Hip Hop. We have great sex and are spontaneous together in everything we do. We talked all the time til he cheats on me then I leave him. How sad. The realization of someone thrown down from a pedestal.

Suicide attempt (3!)

Joseph Anthony Guzman: My poet, my Punchy, my JAG. This is the major love of my life. I am homeless with him in Brooklyn. We squat in a basement for 2 years! No water, no heat, no food, no bed, no money and we are immensely in love and have sex all the time. He was a nice size for me. We have great times together. We write music together. We do drugs. I watch him do drugs. He works night and day so I don’t have to work. Later, he lies to me a lot. I sleep all day; sing to him all night. We fight a lot. I cry, he cries. I cheat. He does more drugs. He inspires many, many poems I have written. Verbal abuse. I am his whore and his saint. We hate and love one another immensely. We have great sex. I make love to him. He makes love to me. We also fuck like rabbits and fold our laundry together.

I get a job for him, leave him and move to NYC then he comes to live with me. I take care of him. We both work all day but he comes home and rubs my feet. We pay bills. I want to marry him. He does more drugs, and says the meanest things. I work hard for him, write songs about him, take him out, buy him things. He says I do nothing for him, I don’t love him, throws my recorder gift onto the highway. We sleep in motels. We get so high. He gets so fucked up he falls asleep out cold in a diner for 3 hours, I watch and wonder about us. He gets into fights. He is loud and noisy and moves his hands a lot. Laughs creepily when things don’t go his way. I still love him. Complains and blames everything wrong on someone else. He is crazy. I leave him. Many of my friends and family nurture a hope that we'll get back together, although it's been 10 years since we broke up. We were together four years and almost got married, but then... we didn't. He was high on our anniversary and that did it for me. I left him that day (surprise!) and walked out of our apartment, left my things and never went back. That breakup kicked me way down into the pits for years. Somebody can be no good for you at all and you'll still love your history together, still miss the companionship. I hook him up with my girl, who for a time, was happy with him.

Shahn Andersen: Boobear. It’s Shahn. Of the Hans Christian or so he says… He was my best friend. He was my bandmate. We go through so much together. There is no other like him. He is in the band Nymph. He is beautiful. Strong. Stubborn. Sexy. I move with him in Queens. I smother him to death. Poor Shahn, I am sorry. Afraid of commitment. I am insecure with him. We have great sex! Kinky sex. Sexy sex. Bathroom sex. Constant sex. He likes boys and girls. He has had sex with both. He is faithful, honest and ambitious. We break up because 9-11 and he doesn’t ever want to marry me after 2 years. He is a commitment o phobe and I realized he would never be just mine. Shahn may never marry for real.

Bastion: Chu Monster, Chu-chee! We lasted a year and then some with breakups in between. I meet him and ask him to marry me the first night we are introduced. He leaves his girlfriend for me. He cheats on me, I forgive him. He said yes to me. I give up my promise to God for him. He is so good to me. He loves me. He supports me. He is clueless at first sexually but I get to teach him. We have warm sex. Sweet sex. Then he became my fuck machine. LOL. He is terrible with money. I feel I have to take care of him. I am demanding. He is a Momma’s boy. Hell, I love his mama too. I start to look around during a fight, meet someone online and I break up with him. I still miss him and his crazy ways.

Joseph Arthur: I am in crush with him for 3 years. I listened to his music daily. I meet him before a show. He is actually into me too. We date. Since he is somewhat famous I am not going to go into any detail about us. I respect him and his work and don’t kiss and tell.

Jimmy Urine: MSI frontman. I write him for 2 years. We have a correspondence and cool little thing for a time. I've yet to meet him. I promise u though, I will. I want to write with him. I want to watch him write. I want to talk to him and share my insanity with someone I know will relate! Jimmy's the nerdiest biddomb!

Chad Reyes: “Wifey” wow. An almost indescribable guy. He is the one I thought was “The One.” When I met him I felt like I had always known him. I never see him, he lives miles away, but I feel like he has always been here. He gets me close to God. He is everything. From the first sentence, I had it for him. Whatever “it” is. Being with him is warmth, listening to him sing and talking to him was heaven, watching him. Breathing him in. I breathe Chad. He changed me in many ways. I hope. I hope. I hoped for Chad. I learned what true love is. Sex? All my angels please go to work on this one: I don’t know that I will ever have sex with him. He was “saving it for God.” He did however this interesting wall move that I will never forget and there is also the candlewax incident and many bathroom/shower sessions with “Chad Lee.” Another jerk though, this one would talk to girls online while he and his best friend were living with me in my apartment. Is there a pattern here?

Yotam Ginzberg: Yotam was a hard nosed NYC mover transplant from Israel with a great smile and witty sarcastic humor who after meeting me in my music studio, carried me 6 blocks in the pouring rain to a Chinese restaurant so I wouldn’t get my Chucks wet. The night I met him we quickly became “involved” for a year. I didn’t trust him though and I always was jealous of girls he was “friends with/talking to”. Sex with him was very hot, steamy and heavy. We had sex all the time and as often as possible. We made pink linguini; we had a lot of verbal abuse and later physical abuse ended our relationship. His younger brother came to visit from Israel and he slapped me in the face on the train as his brother mentioned he should, (what the fuck was up in that family that that was an acceptable suggestion/response?) and things were never the same after that. He broke up with me because he did not want to go to abuse counseling and he had been talking on email to his now current gf. Good luck to her, I say!

John Cervini: At first poetic and seemingly wistful and romantic, he wrote me words of adoration and true fucking melt your heart poetry. A musician from Queens, he was a player in every sense of the word. This guy is scum. I never trusted him as far as I could throw him and with good reason because he showed that he never could be. He practically raped me the first time we were even attempting to get physical. He was the biggest asshole and loser I have ever met. He now has a baby girl and is currently probably cheating on his gf with someone else.

Josh Kane: Drummer. This is how I think of him. Pounding my pussy like he did the drums. Ah that massage, ah the fireplace. Ah my body and how it could bend all the way backwards in those days. I was too into this guy and he was too into himself and another girl. I should have known better. But we had fucking awesome times together. His jokes, his wit, were bar none. I went to see Anchorman with him and laughed and hee hawed and actually kicked shit, and he still wanted to date me (fuck me?). lol. I warmed to him quick but I was totally clingy and couldn’t understand the concept of “space” yet.

Gordon Nelson-White: My little selfish bastard of privilege boyfriend. He was cool, funny and sarcastic,(as they all are, the pattern is completing by this time, eyes WERE somewhat opening) He has a lot of money, lives in MD and I travel to see his ass and he travels to see me. We have a LD relationship of sarcasm, verbal abuse, expensive dinners, male privilege and sex, sex, sex! Gordo Rockets and I had great sex! He was a dirty, coking, drinking, Jon Stewart loving wanna be film maker with a ungodly obsession of Stanley Kubrick. We had a great time in FL, and on Valentine’s. We stayed together for a year and half. He likes a finger in the ass and I poured wine on my body while sliding it in. God that was hot! I am hot. Speaking of hot, I burned my leg to the bone, and because it coincided with his ski trip to Seattle, he left me for the trip and his mother drove 400 miles to care for me instead – he called me maybe 3 times. Another one I always accused of cheating, he was a fucking flirt and he ideally wanted to fuck everything that moved before he died.

Ed: A Sid Vicious look a like. Jesus! This guy was insane. I was waay drunk. Yelling at me, smoking like a chimney, breaking glass and screaming into the microphone, moving like a injured wolf/kangaroo onstage. I thought he had some kind of retardation until he actually started talking.

Brandon Nelson: Another star fucker or just a boy that was a fucker in Los Angeles. This boy reeked of arrogance and destruction when I met him. I was completely disgusted by him and did not give him the time of day. He gave off this eerie Charles Manson type charm. I had fled my hurt from NY to CA from Gordon and a couple months of ONS. As luck would have it and past experience, I warmed to him over a drug scare and too little sleep from jetlag. Then I fell for him. I moved to CA for him and it was the worst and best thing I have ever done. He looked like Anthony and acted like a fucking sociopath and I guess this was the lesson I needed to learn in life. Not only are there boys out there that would fuck me over in a relationship (cheating or lying) but I could also tie myself to someone and get completely fucked over in life (credit destroyed, name blemished, records fucked with, cops, guns and gang violence, evictions, car liens, drug dealers). This guy took what little self respect, self love, and confidence I actually had. This drug dealing, lying, borrows from Peter to pay Paul loser fucking ruined my life. I also became addicted to World of Warcraft during this time and spent 2 years of my life doing nothing with this guy while he fucking smoked weed, slobbered, lazily didn’t work, didn’t clean and could only get it up with a dick in his ass. He was a narcissistic psycho that is incapable of feeling anything for anyone else. The sex was just like him, nice at first.

Chris: Chris. Jesus for such a big package you sure did pack a small wallop. Not true, I just always wanted to say that. You were my second and last fattie. I learned so much from our relationship. We had a verbally abusive relationship AND a physically abusive one. I actually beat you up. I am sorry. This relationship my eyes were fully OPENED and I learned a lot about me and my own past.

Another ass lover, you loved it in the ass. I enjoyed thoroughly our sex when it was good, it was fucking really good. I moved to CA for Brandon but I stayed there for you. You lied. You emotionally cheated on me, yet you took care of me when I needed someone, all to get in these pants. You cooked for me, and gave me great massages. When you started going to abuse counseling and the NA meetings, there were times in our relationship when I felt you could have been “The One” and I would have been faithful to your ugly ass but no, instead you decided to look at other women, continue lying and keep being a pothead. You were a fucking polarization of relationship hell and heaven. I guess we were that together. I really loved you the way an adult loves. I just wanted you to not be selfish, to stop doing drugs and stop looking around for other women to fuck and love just me, but you couldn’t and that is why I had to leave you. You wanted me to stop being abusive, to trust you completely after you (and everyone else) had cheated and to just be a generally happy and healthy person.

OK after re-reading this I know I am crazy like, yeah! UPDATE > 2007 After rereading this I know that I have always believed no one would ever love me and so I got exactly that. I also know that I chose those assholes on purpose and because I grew up with abuse it is exactly what I was used to with Daddy and gravitated to in adulthood. After Chris, I will be actively trying to choose differently. I have learned a lot.