Row Row My Boat

03/28/10
From the world of so and so! Hmm oh rly. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know this shit is hella long book-like but.. feelings.."assumptions", perceptions and ideas... take a while to come about and express...also you won't get this email because I realized you don't deserve an actual email from me this long and thought out, since I feel such little effort expended to actually get to know me or be a friend. I do however want to keep this to review, as I am now going to guard my heart against guys for the future. You took my focus off God for a bit there.. but it's back where it belongs. Thanks!

When we met I told you that I am a honest girl and aways try to put things out on the table so I am writing to say that I am really saddened by the way things have gone down with us since we started talking. What I knew of you, I really liked. I really liked your style & music taste, DJing with you, the way you talked with me, your friendly disposition, and felt we had great things in common with one another. I could imagine us being able to do a lot of fun things together and wanted to begin sharing myself with you and vice versa, and I don't feel that way often so its lame when shit doesn't pan out. LOL.

I was really hoping you could have been honest with me about not being into me when I had first asked you, and the second time I asked, however, I feel it is obvious now that you are not. I am not sure why you stated to be, but that's your bag. Or maybe that is an another assumption (of the many you say I make) on my part? You tell me. Though I did not know you very well, I want to say I really felt something really strong for you (not even sure entirely why-it was a instinct thing), I thought about you very often, had intense sexual chemistry for you and was really hoping that there was a mutual desire for intimacy. Now I almost wish I didn't, believe me - - This guy, This guy, I tried not to feel anything for you or think about you that way.

But here we are at today, I am grasping now that you are too "busy", which translates to me as you were not really that into me, and most obviously, also totally OK with not speaking to me in any kind of regular communication one uses to get to know someone. Almost everything was via text, which is not truly proper communication IMO and has only served to confuse things. People do not have business meetings on text for that reason, and to try to have a relationship or build one with a stranger, lol, is ludicrous. Then when things were truly getting fucked today on text, you still chose NOT to talk to me instead of talking to me to communicate and wanting to mutually clarify things. You were busy cooking and making plans for your weekend. You said you felt judged by me, yet, you did not voice to me at the time of feeling that way. That is a red flag for me, of you possibly not able to express feelings when in a conflict. Cuz hey, I suck at reading minds, and feelings. =(

You had mentioned being in a go with the flow part of your life, and taking it easy which I really appreciated cuz I too wanted to take my time, to be easy breezy, but the flow didn't seem to go in this direction. With the exception of the 3 times in the month of March when I saw you and we hung out. 3 days in 4 weeks and you said you weren't interested in getting to know or take the time to spread yourself around and dating anyone else..? You also said you were not looking for a relationship with anyone or to rush into anything. The most important thing to me/for me or whatever, is that mainly, you just were not looking for a relationship with me. You are and we all are looking for relationship. It's human.

I always say if a guy will let you down on little things, he will def let you down on big things you care about, so its fortunate for us I am expressing out on all this and letting the idea go completely. This hurts me. But the way I see it, if I have been as distressed as I have been (and I have been) and I barely knew you yet, we weren't in a relationship at all and my feelings are so minimal for you, I can't even imagine or want to imagine how I would feel had I felt even more for you - given more to you over time and some shit went down. Because I feel you were as closed off as you were, I don't think it was a healthy dynamic for me and its one door I am too used to even try to open again. The emotionally distant guy (who was hurt before) which I barely see or hear from when I would like to, but yet pine for silently. The one who basically would be happy to fuck me but not actually be responsible for my feelings of rejection or really give anything by way of emotional needs. Yeah, I am over it. No thanks. LOL.

I expressed what I needed from you. I even clued you in on what happens in my brain (I didn't even know this before I met you so thats another great epiphany! thanks) ..1st day fine, 2nd day fine..but sometime during the 2nd evening and 3rd day my mind changes and like resets. The person is now gone from my mind and previous info from them is invalidated. By the 3rd day if I hear - from them, I am in defense/confusion mode, like "why on earth are they contacting me? are they playing games with me?" If I don't hear from them after that, I assume they do not like me and they are angrily then forgotten and discarded. If you had tried to ask me about my parents, you would have learned that I think this stems from being abandoned as a child.

Anyway, our communication is/was just a little too lax for me. Whereas to you we were "talking every day or just about". Ha. I had often wondered while waiting to hear from you, if it was just the beginning stages of how you are when you are meeting someone or if this would be how much I would ever hear from you in general? When it seemed as though this is would last, if we became closer and well, you answered my question on that one today. Last time we spoke was your Tues "girls night" which you refused to see me for a 30 minute bite to eat in your home town. What guy has a "girls night" anyway? So yeah, every 2 -3 days to hear from someone is just too long for my liking or comfort level. I feel its also too long for any real intimacy to happen or anything to grow on my part. I am used to something else, I guess...and a girl like me should never be staring at her phone -- for even a second. I am too busy and special for that.

I understand the whole guy thing and not wanting someone to think you are desperate or too available..but..it was too much. The picture I got was that you are basically not available, well, you are -- to your girls nights and your friends, and your own goals and your plans and your adorably cute lil doggie, you, you, you, but just not to me.

It isn't rocket science. The actions didn't match the words. Maybe while I was over here really into you, you are truly hoping to be with someone else, you know? LOL One person wants to give us their world and we are looking off in the distance wanting to give our world to someone else and that person is looking off and so on, and so on... Ha. When I have finally gotten over you a lot of guys I know will be very happy to stop hearing about you and someday you and I can commiserate on how the person you like doesn't doesn't like you back in the same way. It's a fucked cycle. I choose to opt out. =P

Anyway, I don't know trick, for me when I want to get to know someone I make time to see them. I call them, ask them to do things as I did with you. I will try to include them in on even the most minor things just to hang with them, and I call them because I want to share stuff with them. It pretty much works that way for everyone. Now, granted I didn't expect you to be as impatient as me, or even act exactly like me, but I did expect something along those lines of attention to someone you say you like. My bad, guess I was just on booty call status..(but you got really no booty?..) LOL

It should be easy, not this hard to "get to know" someone and get their attention, and I think that is mutual choice too. If it weren't for the 6 other guys that are into me (that I didn't even give a passing chance or thought to while in you) sadly and foolishly on me, I probably wouldn't have recognized the signs of you not being into me so soon, and that you obviously didn't feel the same about me as I did about you. Like you said, you go out when you want to, prob call when you want to, and most likely you invite someone over or out when you want to.. with me, its obvious you just didn't want to, because you often didn't/don't.

If it weren't for the others fucking calling me, asking me out, texting me about their day and asking about mine, sending me pics asking if I remember them, trying to make time to see me, taking me out, and inviting me to do the most mundane things just to see me, then I could TOTALLY PRETEND that you really were just "busy" but STILL REALLY LIKED ME like you said you did and wait around for a weekly call, or wait 2 days for texts and possibly a hot twice a month visit. However, their clear signs of what someone who likes me should and probably would act like, even someone getting to know me as a platonic friend, showed me sadly and undeniably that you just didn't like me that way. And now after tonights strangest ever text convo and this really honest email, you probably never will -- as maybe you are offended by this.

I am so sad. You would prob tell me in your Hallmark way to "just smile" or "feel your (absent) hugs" or the best one "go listen to some music". That doesn't work for me, and is kind of empty -- does that work for you? If so, you poor inner child. Or rather does someone coming over to see you, or trying to cheer you up over the phone, or taking you out to do something you love, or listening to you vent about a bad day or even just holding you while you cry feel much better for lifting someone's down spirit? Yeah, so I am still sad despite your caring sweet nothings.

We have mutual friends. I am having a hard time at work, I feel weird about my fucking birthday, I am trying to be comfortable with a new person I am coming to grips with being and I am under stress at school to keep my A's. I get shit from my roomies about cleaning and it sucks. I do p90x and feel I am plateau-ing. I am thinking things would have gone much better and easier had you just been up front with me from the get, knowing full well what you want and who you like, etc. You still have that chance to state the shit once and for all and ask me to leave you the fuck alone or just say to me "I don't like you girl, and I am not into you as a girlfriend." =) btw. It will work wonders with me leaving you alone, and me moving on. I don't want to bother you just as much as you don't want to be bothered. LOL.

I am frustrated because I really liked you and feel jilted. You said you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well psssh. Wtf, man?

NEWAYZ, I will just need some span of time to shift my focus and thoughts from you. They have been on you waaay too much =) No hard feelings though. We can be "friends", or whatever that means to you and I, when I have gotten over the fact that I was rejected and somewhat led on by someone I really liked that just didnt like me back in that way and wasn't honest about it with me. I am glad this happened the way it did. You were right about that.

I should have guessed someone who has to claim to be honest probably isn't that honest to begin with. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know you are very very very busy...and this is roughly begun from Mar 14th, go figure!

Also, thanks for inspiring the below.
3/10/10
thinking of you and your touch
bed dog hair filled, with roaches and tea in the bathroom
normally a gross turn OFF but
your Paris boudoir mesmerizing fingers and smile inside say ON
you give me goosebumps
you tickle my insides
you say you feel it too,
so then why don't you call me?

hot- this burning, aching in my loins
this breaking of your rules
i want our hands, mind, and body to join
i see something special in you
it says your music could fill my days
and roar would make my nights
maybe its just a speck in my eye
but yet you don't call me?

rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
just rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
rockin to your beat