What brought this on is Tia and I were shopping for her picnic date tonight with Eric. I thought of Chris and I roaming through Ralphs in preparation for our own little dates. Remembering him. Loving him. Hurts. I had to give my phone to Tia 3 times.
Then I realized that I do have great memories about Chris and I, but they are remembered each along eventually with a fucked up time to go with it more often than not. Like the another time at Ralphs when all I wanted to do was shop with him, HIS way, and be held by him and caress him all night and sex him up. Instead he was pissed that he didn't get high, didn't get to go home first and walk his dog treated me like crap, and we yelled and screamed at one another and I went home and we even didn't talk!
I know now "he just wasn't that into me". He didn't want to marry me, he broke up with me also, and he isn't pouring over ways to get me back, or be romantic or change during the time he is away from me, he is just.. going on with his life. Further proof that I should not be thinking about him or worrying about what, where, or who he is doing, anymore.
He has his things back, he has given me my "donations" for back treatment and now I have $500 to get treated with. I'm sure in his mind its "over and out" and he is scot free of me, his guilt, and really deep down, glad we are over. I know I was not a perfect angel in the relationship.
I think after the 60 days both of us will be relieved and moving on at full speed with none of our past "buttons" to hurl us back. Him faster than me probably because he was always horny and always wanting to be fucking someone else.
What "I love you" really means:
- I am not that into you.
- I don't respect you or our relationship.
- I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
- I am not going to marry you.
- I will be open to using you sexually, but that is all I can commit to.
What "I miss you" means:
- I am missing you because every day, I am choosing to be WITHOUT you.
- I am sniffing for something better and when I don't find it, I may get lonely and come back to you. But it will still be "over" and I will still not be into you.
Reminders of when he is "just not that into you" - Hes just not that into you if:
- He's not asking you out
- He's not calling you (or returning calls when he says he will)
- He's not dating you
- He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
- He's having sex with someone else
- He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high (or is on any mind altering drug- it means he likes you better when you are not at your full levels and he is "numbed")
- He's doesn't want to marry you
- He's breaking up with you (he took a good look at the beauty that is you and all your possibility and all your potential and said, "No thanks, I do not want your company anymore")
- He's disappeared on you
- He's already married or insane variations on this unavailability
- He's a Selfish Jerk, a Abusive Bully or a Really Big Freak
Nuff said, son. Cry on S... then tomorrow..dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.
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