God is talking to me

Here is what he is saying.

Chris was not lying about Dawn, Amy or Kristen and also I recently learned Chris did not spend the day with Dawn. He went to hang with Matty. I miss Matty. I was wrong about this. He may have/may not have been lying about the thong and his "day at school" on November 12, unfortunately, because our relationship was based on lies and secrecy from the beginning, one will never know because there is no trust and no "Chris coming clean."

God is saying we have too much to work on for ourselves. We cannot not be together. Do not call him. Do not see him or speak to him.
He is saying "Take it slow! Heal. Breathe. Work on getting to know you and get closer to me. Do my will and give up yours, so I can give you riches."
He is saying "I love you in so many ways."
He is saying "be gentle with others"
He is saying "let go"
He is showing me how to love myself.
He is showing me what boundaries are.
He is showing me what self respect is.

This morning I went to Dr. Carrico and told him that I am appalled at his phys therapy treatment of me and that I cannot move my neck and that he ordered all this treatment and it has worn me out and I feel he wasn't showing that he cared about me individually. Instead of taking any responsibility he simply tried to shake my hand and said "Ok, goodbye." As I walked out I realized, I deserve better. If this Dr. cannot take responsibility for his own actions and apologize at least, or attempt to make amends how could I let him or trust him to "heal" me? Paying him $130 every time I see him! I walked out and I will not be returning.

Today as I was getting the tire looked at for 2nd opinion, (there was no nail found) Karin called me and asked me if I have spoken to Chris at all? No. I do not speak to Chris. I miss him. I thought what we had was "love" but he hurt me and I will not speak to him at this time. She asked me if he had emailed me anything? No. He does not email me. Then she let it go, that was very strange. Maybe she is just determining if I am staying strong in my boundaries...? We then talked about my new job.

I spoke to my boss Vicki today and we got through the conversation peacefully. I'm going to be learning new things in this position and I let her know I am excited.

In the future, if I ever get to the point of savings at work and get my back healed...I want to get a Macbook. Laptop or desktop? Laptop or desktop? I want to get an iphone and make my own apps for it. I remember Chris saying he was going to get me one.. another promise of his unfulfilled, just like my Dad. I have to make sure I stop choosing men like my stepfather from this relationship on. All my fathers promises were lies. He was an addict and a liar. A promiser of many things. God, I could write a book with Dad's failed promises to us and because we "loved" him.. we wanted to believe him. Well, I am not a child anymore and I choose my allowance. The child living inside me (my past memories) will NOT be lied to.

The more I think of my stepfather realistically and honestly and his qualities the more I can compare each man I chose and what he had in common with my Dad. Part of my Step 4. It's eerie. It's fucking scary, sad and it makes me think today I may never break the cycle completely. Which means :( No medical reason, no robbery or car accident, fire or activist killed in action. No stranger killing me, but a domestic partner who will say he "loves me"! What a horrible thought!

I want to buy the movie Penelope. I wish it was out on video because I would rent it today.