I also saw Jason Gray who mentioned he has 5 kids as his gift from World Vision. He said they are one of the most important sacrifices he make by making a difference in their lives. He gave a great talk about God and the Bible also. Really? What are their 5 names? I bet no one asked him that question. "Test your prophets".
Anyway, I was moved. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and decided I need to use my own gift for music and writing to do God's will. I am not sure how to go about doing that. However, I do want to sing his praises.
Today the church I go to's Pastor Zac uttered a sermon I could not really relate to. It was about the qualities that God has that gives a mother to us and also shares. Motherly love. They are:
- A mother's presence
- A mother's counsel
- A mother's silence/comfort
- A mother's sympathy
- A mother's discipline
Thinking of my own imperfect mother as he was speaking, I could not relate at all. I left home still a growing child. He spoke of things I could not even imagine and the proceeded to describe women as typical (and he used the word "typical") long suffering, silent creatures. Maybe we would not be that way and would have some respect if all through time we were not described as such and taught that this was acceptable, BY MEN. What would life be like if we were not given the "less than" smaller helper, accompaniment role from birth? Hmm. I do not agree with this.
However, I could relate to how God expresses those mother-like qualities in my life now. I see them. I rejoice in them! Last night I prayed that God would open my eyes so I could see, and open my hears so I can hear and open my mind so I can know and today I determined it is not this church that I am going to belong to. I am glad I went there alone to be open to this new information, but I do not know where I am going to go just yet. I will pray on it.
I did see and hear a couple things that were wrong to me. One, the man who LEADS the church in worship and song, never bows his head in reverence to God when they pray. He holds his head up. I think he is a proud man and probably loves to hear his own voice which may be why he sings and has the "choir" behind him backing him up. I will not sing there, because I want to be in place where everyone who has a voice gets to use it for praising God, not backup someone else who has an ego problem.
Two, Pastor Zac also does not bow his head in reverence for prayer to God. Why not? This to me suggests pride to me also and I want no part of that. What really goes on at those men's retreats anyway?
Three, it does not say Jehovah in my Bible. Everywhere that it should, it has been replaced with "Lord" or the Lord. It is widely known that that Jehovah is God's name. Yet, no where do they actually use it. Also, the songs do not say praise to Jehovah our God or praise Jehovah. They say Lord, God, and Yah and Adonai (who the hell is that btw, why not just say praise Jehovah?). I think they are denying his very name and that does not sit well with me. How can you sing praise to "God" call him something else to suit you, when he has clearly told you his name, call your self a Christian and yet not use the name Jehovah? Do only Jehovah's witnesses actually use God's name? If so, why not the others? I would be hurt if someone called me something else than my name and expected me to think they cared for me. You care for me so much you changed my name and call me instead another name, which is something you want to call me? Pride. Lies and deceit.
After the sermon, they asked if anyone had a decision to make and to please come up to the podium and then ushered us to go to a separate room with the elders. Had I known this I would not have raised my hand but, I did so and so then waited to be seated/seen by the elders for my prayer time. She prayed with me that I would come to know God, that I would continue to attend the church and be moved by Pastor Zac's sermons and get to know his family in God there at Hope. Um, what? Why are you putting Pastor Zac (a stranger to me) in my prayer? I asked to pray for the decision I wanted to make whether to stay in CA, and also my desire to do God's will for me, to prayer for Him to show me what his will for me will be when he desires. She did not really cover that. My relationship with God has nothing to do with you or your church nor do I want it to.
The person assigned to me focused on 2 things:
Am I a born-again Christian?
Do I want to be, to have a relationship with God?
No and No. Herein lies my issue with religion in general. I am not going to church to be converted to the ways of this religious world. Until I whole-heartedly believe that that is the religion according to Gods direction, the church I belong in and that I am in the right place I am not going to just follow blindly. I am going to A church to find whether God is there. I have beliefs about what that church will be like and I feel I will know when I arrive that I have in fact "arrived at the right place." It wont be like the previous Torrance one, and it will not be a cult type church.
Until then, I am still searching. I feel we all want to speak in absolutes. We want definitive answers. We want black, white, and no room for gray in many religions. People, preachers, pastors give answers as if they were God himself and they shirk from questions that might cause them to doubt or second-guess something that they have always "believed to be true". People war over the words of scripture, its meanings and its in-errancy. The Bible is "translated" (changed) over and over again BY MAN. And we have countless books telling us exactly what ‘true’ theology is, what to think, what to believe, and what to do with our lives. Why? Because everyone wants Jesus and God to make sense, we don’t want any holes; we want security. Spiritual security. Thus, you have church culture, all figured out for you and completely safe, it is a clear definition of God for the masses.
And this church culture is not necessarily bad. I believe at some point I will be a product of it. Within the walls of the church I find that I will know is my place. The bible drill, groups, camps, Christian concerts and learning how to pray and listen for God’s voice. But at the end of the day, I do not believe that is all there is to God nor do I want to belong to a church that belittles God to those small minded things.
With everything so perfectly figured out in church culture they are tempted to not ask questions. I ask many. Tempted to believe that we have God all figured out after "all those years of baptism." They are tempted to replace awe and wonder with calculated beliefs and redundant time tested practices. I do not want that. Tempted to take the Holiness out of the Holy. But really, what do I know of Holy? What do you really know of Holy? In our finite minds, not much.
If I lose people in my life whom I have come to love because of this "difference of belief" well then they were never really there in the first place and I have not really lost anything.
I do still have God. It is a wonderful feeling to have God with me for I need not worry about the approval of any other human. I will find others like me. I believe with God's help I will find my way. Every morning I wake up, go to sleep, and every breath I breathe. I want to be with Him. I want to be His worship-per. I want to go to church for Him and Him alone.
Not for church, a religion, or for "fellowship" and for rituals. I want to be a "Christian" a Christ follower, for Him and Him alone. I want to, as Isaiah said, be sent anywhere to do anything for Him and Him alone. If that is the real God, I am His. Every ounce of me. Nothing else will satisfy. I want to serve Him where/when I find Him. His name is Jehovah and yeah, he is my God.
I'm gonna dust off my guitar and keyboard tonight. Write more laterz..
No comments:
Post a Comment