8/26/08
Dear Jehovah,
Well praise to you! Please bless my family & friends - they need you but don't know it. Help them come to know you!
Tonight you seem to have answered my prayer on the how to proceed with Chris front. I asked Chris if I "should get used to not seeing him or spending time with him" and he said "yes, something like that". He may be confused and trying to hold on while letting go and yo-yo me but YOU def are not. The message is pretty clear from you! Steer clear til he knows what he really wants and acts in a loving manner that is consistent. He needs to walk his walk with you and I need to walk mine. Separately. Continue to be mostly out of contact.
He is moving away, he may not keep the faith, it seems he still doesn't know what he wants, is rarely thoughtful with giving or generosity of his time, expressive of his expectations or communicative and still is not purposeful or moving toward complete honesty and working at issues or even determining what they were also at this time everyone is telling me CUT OFF ALL CONTACT-GO COLD TURKEY. I now have the support in place. Thank you.
It cannot hurt to try again. Imagine the life I would be living now had I succeeded in cutting all contact in March and never spoken to him in June? I begin to try once more. Thank you Lord for showing me truths. Please KILL my compulsions to reach out to him at times and contact him. If you are trying to teach me patience and self control as Trav mentioned please let it be gently and give me the "out you promise to help me overcome".
Thank you again for your blessings and love. I hope to wake early tomorrow and get on a sleep schedule so I may dedicate to you, school and work. Please let my new friends be open to spending time with me in these precarious months and fill my life with self love, helping others, hunger for you and create healthy habits. All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
Things I want for my new life
self healing
a great job I enjoy
new friends & closer bonds
an education
to enjoy my own company
find my passion
a relationship with God through which all the above things are possible.
ITEMS
iphone/ipod
digicam/vid
skateboard
backpack/roll bag
side table ikea
printer
costco foam board
TO DO
1) organize papers
2) search flights home
3) study!
4) eat healthy/workout/stretch
8/25/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much a day without pain! Thank you for a beautiful day and night and blessing me so much! Thank you for allowing me to spend time with Chris non abusively and to express my thoughts of his actions yesterday and him understand and validate my feeling. Your will be done with him Lord. Thank you for giving me food to eat, a Wii to work out on, and for trying to build my body and resistance. Please keep me strong Jehovah, until Chris knows what he wants, without a doubt. Thank you for letting me let go and hand my concerns over to you instead of spilling them onto him. Please keep me strong in building my faith in your and burying myself in your Word and making strong action for your will. I have many questions, please lead me to answers.
Please grant me wisdom w/ school and learning new things. Thank you for Corey, Karin, Liz, Andrea, Jayme and the girls being in my life. Please let me know if this is the right place for me Lord or you want me somewhere else. I am sure it will all be in your time.
Thank you for giving me the words to tell Steven on IM and not being carried away with anger when he began to insult you and me! Wow! What a change for me. Please help Chris stay strong in the faith and get closer to you. Show him to lean on you and bless him in his next steps. As he is moving away and changing his life let him not forget you and if it is your will for us to remain in contact please show that or not.
Please bless my family & friends - they need you but don't know it. Help them come to know you! All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
PS - I am sorry for lying today, and using your name in vain. I sincerely apologize and will try harder tomorrow.
8/24/08
Praise be! Lord of stregnth and might of grace and mercy. Reading Isaiah I am seeing the need to submit to you. Thank you for your Word and law! I am getting baptized in 4 hours! Thank you for the opportunity to be like Jesus. Your 10 commandments are
1) Have no other gods before me. I am your God.
2) Do not bow down or worship others/idols or create idols.
3) Do not use the name of your Lord in vain.
4) You will honor your father and mother.
5) You will keep the Sabbath (7th day) holy and rest.
6) Do not look with lust or commit adultery.
7) Do not be angry without cause or commit murder.
8) Do not steal.
9) Do not lie or bear false witness against anyone.
10) Do not covet your neighbors anything.
Please keep me strong in the situation with Chris and bring to light his true intentions. Though after writing this I am thinking his true intention is to have his cake and eat it too with me as has been from the beginning. Only you know the truth and I know you have my best interests. Please light my way to you. Please envelop me in your fold and keep me on the path to you. Let me not be misled by or fall astray for or because of others. Please make me strong in the face of persecution and ridicule from my family and give me assistance in knowing what to say as I go out into the world with your message.
Chris is being rude to me. You do not treat me with such nonchalance and would never treat me this way, therefore I am sending him home Jehovah. I do not need to allow this anymore as I know you love me no matter what/who is in my life or not. Help me to forgive him later on, however I will not be a doormat to further treatment like this. Jesus said forgive, not be a fool.
Please bless my family & friends and help them come to know you! All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
8/23/08
Dear Jehovah,
Yo! My life, my love, my Lord. Praise be to you! You are most amazing! What a great day! Thank you for today! Today I was pain free and I appreciate the opportunities to eat and learn another valuable life lesson about not giving up. Please help me to become strong in you Jehovah. Please help me to become strong in my faith and know that I am serving the one True YOU. It is important to me that I do not break my commitment to you. I am being baptized tomorrow, I consider this an honor. "Be baptized, spread the good news and make disciples" Jesus said, and that is what I am trying to do. Please show me the way with the situation with Chris. Help me to let go if that is your will or to be patience if you deem so. Do not let me be tempted by him Lord. Let me be strong as a rock in your will and not to sin against you. Please give me te strength and wisdom and lead my path to you. Please let me know your will in regards to the music and worship and make a path clear for me to learn, be strong and have clean fun at the retreat.
Please bless my family & friends and help them come to know you! I pray for Chris to turn to you for guidance and wisdom instead of worldly things when he is tempted and I pray for us to strengthen our relationship if that is your desire for us. If not, I am prepared, as I said to let him go. All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
THINGS FOR FOREST HOME
board shorts/shirts
1 piece w/ a shirt - no bikinis
sweatshirt
sleeping bag / pillow
flashlight
towel
pajamas
sunglasses
8/22/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today! It was a beautiful day and I appreciate it being pain free! Thank you for providing food for me to eat and the opportunity to go on the retreat next week. Please help me to forgive and let go of control of others. PLease help me to continue strong in the faith. I want to get to know you Lord. Please allow me to get closer to others who put you first in deeds and words and are doing your will.
Please show me your will for me in my career & life path. Please comfort me. I am feeling sad tonight Jehovah and beating myself up and I am not sure why. I feel lonely and I am tempted to turn to Chris for comfort. Please bring him closer to me or keep him from me if that is your will. Please bless me tomorrow at first day of school and watch over my safety this month. I am trying to do my best in all things & feel useless for falling short. I know you said we all fall short and you love us anyway, but I feel I keep failing you and I am moving away instead of near. I have doubts. Oh that only you would remove them!
Please keep me strong in self control and against temptation. I lift up those in the church who also need your comfort and suffering tonight. Please help my family come to know you and keep them safe in these troublesome times. All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of the son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
PS - Jesus thank you for making me aware of my transgressions now and doing wrong. I am sorry for lying today, using Gods name in vain, and looking with lust. Please forgive me, I know I "was bought at a price".
Please help my family come to know you and keep me on your desired path for me, I am lost without you! All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
8/21/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you! Thank you for blessing me today with the ocean, a friend to show me your Word, not feeling pain and some more confidence to go in the water! Wow! Thank you for giving me the strength to say no to Chris and his heart's understanding last night which could only have been your influence. Please give him patience Jehovah to be with me or let him fall away if that is to be. Thank you for watching over me and blessing me with your love and comfort in the Word. I would like to offer up Chris, that you help him hunger for your Word and that he find a good place to live for him and the puppy dogs. Remember how sad he was when he first came over Jehovah - talking gloom and doom? Help him please flee temptation and going toward sin. Please remove my temptations at this time and help me keep my eyes firmly focused "not on what is seen but what is unseen." To look to the Word for comfort and to fellowship w/ others who are walking in the spirit. Help me with discernment at this time so I do not put any other gods before you and to follow your path for me and see your will for my career. Please help my family come to know you and keep me on your desired path for me, I am lost without you! All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
PS I am sorry Jesus for lying today, looking with lust, not honoring my father, and feeling jealousy toward J & Cheyanne- please forgive me. I will also forgive others.
8/20/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this day. How awesome are your ways! Thank you for giving me some insight on temptation through the ladies advice today. I must turn away from it, practice self control and see Chris as a new follower and not stumble or try to cause him to stumble.
Dear Lord of power please give me the strength to speak to Chris lovingly but firmly today about us not having sex and turning him away from relationship at this time. Please give me a clear message of your will for me with the music direction. Uncanny how we did 2 songs tonight at minichurch that I LOVE TO SING to you and that Ash had asked me earlier to sing louder so everyone could hear me if we sang them...Thank you for that. Thank you for watching over me today in the ocean Jesus. I prayed for confidence and I felt it rising up in me. I learned a valuable lesson today and I think I will try again tomorrow to really push myself out there. I love you Lord! Thank you for not giving me to pain today and stopping me from temptation to call Chris earlier in the day. I want to pray for Marco, Liz's friend tonight, please help see him through his difficult time. I would like to pray for Asha and Joey that they receive your blessings for them w/ the VISA and Joey getting a job doing what will carry out your will. Please help Joey with his depression Lord, he needs you. I would like to pray for Chris that you show him your love and allow him to get closer to you and learn your ways /lessons for him. Build him to his walk with you so we may be able to possibly be together someday, if that is your will for us. I pray for my family and friends to come to see the promise of salvation you offer through Jesus.
Please help me to be strong in my walk/path to you and getting close to those who put YOU first and form lasting bonds with your true believers. Thank you for today's advice and messages! I feel blessed and so lucky you are in my life. I am so happy!
I would like to pray for Claudia, that she fall away from her temptation with the tempting/txting abrastallion guy and walk away from it. Let her search for you Lord and men have to come through you to even get to her. I want to put you 1st and know without a doubt that you are my God, that you are the one true God so I will put no other God's before you! Show me the way, please keep giving me signs. All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
PS - I am sorry for lying, stealing into the sandwich line at school, and behaving proudly as well as having lustful thoughts.
8/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
What up J! I praise you this day and all days! You have put such wonderful things in this heart today! Thank you so much for your blessings today with my interview, no pain, reaching out for info on your Word (getting answers) and for allowing me to hang out and have clean fun as opposed to sinful fun.
I can even share my fun with you also! Jehovah, thank you so much for Jayme's invitation to tonight's bible class, it felt so good, so reassuring to know that I truly am calling you by the name that praises, reveals, and worships you. I feel so undeserving. Thank you Jesus! I hallow the Fathers name and give whole friggin hearted thanks for today. Please help me to grow in you and keep my eyes planted on you and furthering your kingdom. Pleas give me confidence in reaching out to godly others and to be able to withstand. Please put those in my life who put you first and allow me to get close to them. Please give me the confidence once more to write for you, create for you, and speak out in your name! I think I want to go to mission Jehovah, help me to somehow get out where you want me. Please help keep me strong as a rock with temptation and fighting it. I want you to use me and give me the "attractive force" that will entice others to know you! I pray for Stan to come to know you Lord and to return to you. I pray for my family and friends to come to see the promise of salvation you offer through Jesus. I pray for humility, love and wisdom to right as I go through this week. Your will be done! All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. - Amen
PS - I am sorry Jesus for swearing today, using God's name in vain, looking with lust at Travis, and not being truthful. You are the name by which I am saved and I will try harder tomorrow. =(
PPS - If me writing music again for you is your will, please put me in contact with musicians and a music studio I can work in/to record by the end of next month. If not, I am prepared to do what you will while I am here. Like Stacie Frenes said, I will "just use what you gave me"?. You alone are the power and the force to really move me.
(then I wrote 2 songs after this prayer)
8/17/08
Dear Jehovah,
Hi! Praise you today for a wonderful day and full understanding of today's sermon! WoW!! I fell today Jehovah and do not think I am strong enough to resist my feelings for Chris. Please take me in Lord and help me "fix my eyes" as you say, only on you!
You are the only one of importance in my life to please + love and share my everything with. Please let your will be done with me Lord and continue prodding my stubborn imperfect self along the path. Thank you for blessing me Lord! I pray for those in my church who are suffering. I pray the girls will take me in and accept me as you do so I may fellowship with other strong believers. I feel alone Lord, open you Word to me tonight and let me run to you for comfort. Please help me to be strong this week in not contacting Chris and keeping my focus on you and work and your goals/glory. As always please let my family and friends come to know you Lord so they too may partake of the blessings. All these things I pray in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
8/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise to you today! Thank you so much for a beautiful day and no pain thus far. Lord, it seems Chris has again walked away and left (again) for good. If this is your will, please do not let him ever come back until he is 100% sure of his love and will not take it away at sign of problems, boredom, comfort or for whatever reasons he keeps vacillating and being lukewarm. I am no longer going to allow him to play me like a yo-yo. You respect me and care for me therefore so should he. I will not allow this treatment. Please let your will be done with this and all things in my life. If it is not your will, PLEASE MAKE ME STRONG in keeping out of contact with this confused sinning person. I am doing the best I can. I would like to pray that those i am evangelizing with will be able to lean on you and do so without fear. Renew my confidence Jehovah as I reach out to fellowship with the church and your worshipers.If this is not the church for me, please lead me where you want me.
I want to do your will and only your will. Prepare me for persecution, make me strong in faith in you and not turn away out of fear. I would like to pray for my family and friends to come to know you and try to do your will also. I myself need to be stronger in fighting temptations and letting go of worldly things. Move me closer to you, my rock, and give me wings to serve and handle upcoming trials. Please help me let go of resentments and mistrust and to find my true job and passion and do/give with all my heart, mind and soul for you. All these things I ask in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
PS Please forgive me for being envious, using your name in vain, thinking lustful thoughts and lying yesterday. I am sorry Jesus. =(
8/15/08
Dear Jehovah,
Lord I come to you humbly tonight to ask for forgiveness and comfort. I am feeling sad and confused and unsure of myself. I feel tempted to push away my pain with old methods that do not work for me, or you. I no longer have Chris or anyone to turn to you but you and I guess that is the way it should be. I need you God. I need you in my life. I want to do your will and I feel lost. I am sure of one thing and that is I need to stay on my path to you. Please open up your Word to me tonight and do not let me be misled. Deliver me from sadness in your time. Let your will be done even if that means pain at this time. I want to be loved Jehovah, I want to be cherished, hold me and keep me close tonight please.
Thank you for todays message and thank you for your grace & mercy. I am going to read once more of Jesus's struggle and Jobs trials and see if I cannot find the comfort there. All these things I pray in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
PS - I will write more. These are selfish prayers all about myself.
8/13/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for another day without pain and to try to be kind. I am coming to you in desperation Jehovah. Help Chris and I to walk away from this negativity. Please help him to see what it is you want him to see and to walk away from us or to be patient.
Whatever is your will Jehovah that is what I want. He has asked I leave him alone until Sunday, please make me strong in doing this. I do not want to hurt anymore! I don't want him to hurt either.
Give him patience and understanding please. Show him your will for him. I know you have the best for us in store and that your will whether we fight it or not will prevail. I do not trust him & I do not think he knows for himself what he truly wants. I know what I want and I trust myself in your care.
Please give me strength tonight to go over my step 4/5 and to let go and let you take over. Let your will be done in this and all things in my life. Am I still fighting you? Please let me see it if I am. Please show me my next steps on your path. Let me show love to those who are in my life and to see think with forgiveness only, but not in weakness allowing sin. All these things I pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
8/11/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you today Lord! I will prob pray more later on but I just need to talk to you right now. I am feeling fearful and unsure of my way. Thank you for blessing me today with a place to live and food to eat. I will eat today and try to care for myself.
I am confused Lord and need your guidance and mercy. I still feel guilty for my transgression yesterday. Please help me to forgive myself and not let myself do that again. Please show me your will for me with my career ad path. I am starting to feel azy and distracted. I am just not sure what to do! I know you want what is best for me, and I do not want to go against that, as I do NOT know best. I want to leave it all in your capable hands Father. Please remove this from me. Please help me to let go and let you take it over from here.
Put it in Chris's heart to persevere and be honest with me about his intentions and to stay strong in your will for him. Please show me what is going on with him Jehovah as I am again confused by him. Please let me leave him and be strong in walking away from this relationship or be patient at working at it if that is your will. Please bring me closer to work you want me to do and show me your path for me. I will walk blindly today and let you lead as you will. I give it to you. All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
8/10/08
Dear Jehovah,
Lord Almighty! Hello! Thank you so much for blessing me this last week with seeing my sister and us living through the 5 car accident we witnessed and were 2 cars behind! That could have been us!
Thank you for caring for me by not giving me more pain than I could bear and thank you for delivering me from my own sadness. Lord, I would like to pray for forgiveness in giving into temptation with sex before marriage. Please give me strength to be strong and firm against this sin. I did not feel good doing that to you and do not want my guilt to push me into doing more wrong. Please help me be strong in my situation with Chris. Please give me wisdom in this change of heart he has had and show me your will for me as you did previously.
I am not sure why he is so eager to come back to me, however, I want to put you first and be yours, not his. I want only your will and mercy as I know will never and have never let me down. Please guide me and keep me from evil thoughts and actions.
I pray for Chris in his temptations of the path blocking his way to you. He seems to be becoming the man I prayed for, but I am completely prepared to let him go should that be your will. Please help him continue on his path to you.
Please bless Vaish with your mercy and and love and let your will be done in regards to her possible kid situation. I ask for your blessings and wisdom in the way that I am going, and I pray I am doing your will. Please bless my family & friends and help them to come to know you. Please allow me to trust & fellowship with those who put you first and to get close to them. Give me the courage to reach out and the hope for intimacy with your followers.
Again I ask for your mercy and forgiveness what happened with Chris and to make me A ROCK in now allowing that behavior and if he is turned away because of it, to let me let him go once and for all and never look back. Please help me to trust him and to let go of my previous habits and behaviors. Put more people in my sight this week to help and a job to come out of my desire to be like Christ.
All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ - Amen
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