Professor,
I am probably in need of a counselor and would have gone to see one if it did not take 2 weeks to get an appointment with one. I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what is wrong with me. After I walked out of your class last week (something i never thought I would do) I sat in my car crying for over an hour and later hyperventilating and contemplating suicide in the parking lot. Luckily S saw me and talked to me a bit before leaving me.
I am dropping my classes and possibly out of college and because I just don't know what else to do and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I have placed on my plate. Also, I don't even know that this is the plate I want to eat. I am the only one at dinner and I am tired of eating alone. Also clearly, this symptom of low self esteem has shown itself in so many areas of my life these last two years..and I just cannot deal yet, I do not know how to change it. In constantly trying to do my best, I continually do my worst and give only selfish commands ironically thinking that I am only my worst.
You have assisted me in many ways already and I want you to know this. Even just me witnessing your normal personal life and marriage has had some effect on me. Last week I even experienced a moment watching you where I myself wanted to be a Professor!
However, I have become an idiot run by my emotions and lacking self control. I am not thinking and yet I am through thinking at the same time. I have become self serving self destructive and careless. Even in trying the homework which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow, I have gotten them wrong and feel more terrible for not getting the concepts STILL! I have wanted to ask for help yet did not, and do not. I am so confused at this time even with my own actions, Professor.
I wanted to be your friend and your great student and yet I have behaved in a manner exact opposite to that..for that inconsistency I sincerely apologize. I am sorry I walked out on your class. I hope that you can some day forgive me for that.
Sincerely,
me
1 comment:
Teacher says:
Thanks for the quick response. I am very happy that you received my email and that you replied. I enjoy you as both a student and as a person. You have never let me down in any way.
I think it is ok if it takes two weeks to see a counselor. If you agree that you need one, you should make an appointment now and go when there is an opening. It might be worth the wait:)
I understand that you do not currently know what direction your life is taking, but do you think dropping all your classes will change that? Do you think this will assist you in determining a good course of action? Are there other alternatives?
You mentioned that in trying to do your best, you do your worst. However, this has not been the case in my class. You have often received the highest test score in the class. I don't think even you can say that this is the worst you can do. Even the last test you took with me had the highest test score in class. Is it possible that you want perfection? Is perfection possible?
You ARE one of my great students. I did not take it personally when you walked out of my class. I knew that you were in a bad place. That is one of the reasons I had you answer a question for me. I was hoping that when you came up with your typical excellent answer (which you did) that you would feel a little better. However, I noticed that it did not help, so I was not surprised when you walked out. Your actions concern me because I CARE about you, but NOT because I was offended by them.
You mentioned that you hoped to be my friend. This is a hope we share. I have NOT seen any reason why this will not happen.
I am not a counselor, so I don't presume that I can help or that I can say the right thing to assist you. However, I could not leave your email unanswered. I fervently hope that I have not said anything that could make you feel worse because that is not my intent.
Please know that you are welcome to call me.
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