The Lord actually told me the other day he is not going to heal me, yet.
:( I was bummed by this truth, but He gave me peace about it.
So I was going to the 7-11 for sunflower seeds and food on a binge cuz I had no energy to cook as I'm sick and feeling very weak that day ..
While I was there a woman was asking for change outside. I walked in and bought what I needed and left.
And normally I give it, but that night I didn't. I had said to her "why did you not ask me BEFORE I went in I could have gotten you something in there?!"
"I am sorry I have none." Then walked to my car to leave.
While I was driving home The Lord said "turn around go back" So I said "No. Come on lord why? I want to go home and eat right now." He said "Do you think she does not want to eat? He said "please give the woman your change" "You do not know who is my sheep or can judge whom I care for" "You cannot read the hearts"
So I said "ok. I will do whatever you want Lord."
Instead of comfortably going home I turned the car around and drove all the way back to the store. The woman was gone.
I said "Lord why the heck would you have me come here! She's not even here! Now the woman is gone?! It's too late! I missed my chance.."
He said "my child you are learning a lesson here.
Do you see?"
It's not about "your timing." It's about "MY timing."
"Please do not question MY love or MY timing. I love you. I told you my ways are higher than your ways. My understanding higher than your understanding. Do not lean on your own understanding. You see how you want to be healed?
"How MUCH you want to be healed!?
It will not be on your time, my sweet child. My timing is perfect." "I know the plans I have for you." "I said I WILL HEAL YOU. I told you that I would. But it will be on my time. I am working on you and through you." "It is not your time, yet"
Then through this conversation I really came to a peace about it. The Lord is talking to me. He is WITH me. I realized he is not going to heal me on my time. Aka right freaking away! Regardless of how often I ask it is just not his time for me! And what I came to see was look at how much he has done thus far (with this terrible illness) in my character, in my relationship with Him, within my fiancée, my friendships and even showing me His love for me and HOW He loves me. How he IS a God of love, not punishment.
I'm focused on what he can and is not doing for me and on my time rather than all He is doing in me on His time.
Alternately, I was not giving that woman change on His time while focused on my own desires. I see now how I'm often so worried about healing on my own time - it was flawed! She was gone. "Timing is everything" he had said. The time to give is/was "when I had it" right there; as it says in the Word!
Yes, God you ARE amazing! Praising Him today. The Lords timing IS perfect just like His will. Thankful today again too, for Jesus's as ransom, his sacrifice who has taken away my sins and saved me from the wrath of a just God.
In my rudimentary way of understanding he showed me all that in that experience that night. Gently talking me through it - crystal clear.
To me, God is just amazing! Has he ever spoken to you?
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