This week I began a very introspective study and reading the Word like I often do in these crazy symptom filled times of pain and frustration. In this self-study I was asked 4 odd questions, and I decided to answer them as honestly as I could. What I found there has been astonishing, eye opening and perspective changing in hopefully a permanent way. As usual, with my "revelations" I decided to share them here and to hopefully someday maybe benefit someone else.
Here are the questions (I dare anyone to ask them to yourself and share them with me) :P
1) How does this situation I'm in help me to understand more about Christ?
2) How can/ could God be using this situation to produce fruit in me?
3) What character qualities can God develop in me through this situation?
4) Is this situation/(how could this be) God's loving discipline to correct me or to change me to the right path?
Then I meditated each day, in prayer, in reflection, in the Word.. to try to find a possible answer because I fought these questions initially. This is what was shown to me.
1) In what freaking possible way could this absolutely terrible situation be helping me to understand more about Christ?! What do I even really know about Christ?! Romans 8:22, 1 Peter 2:19, Isaiah 53:4, Galatians 4:19, 1 Peter 4:12, Romans 8:18
Christ was obedient to the Father even to death on the cross. He was given by the Father as a sacrifice for sins he did not commit. He too could have said as I often do to the Father "hey, this isn't fair" "why is this happening to ME?" "If you loved me why aren’t you keeping me from this pain/suffering?" He too cried out to the Father day and night as I do, Christ too was in constant prayer as I am, He was the Son of God and YET, yet he too was made to suffer tremendously for my/our many sins. Comparing my suffering to his suffering still there is no match. He knew who he was to the Father, he had confidence in his son ship and trusted in the Father. In suffering, he gave glory to the Father and still thanked and praised Him. This is what is also desired I believe of me. The suffering that Christ endured, I am getting a smaller taste of: extreme physical pain, being ridiculed, feeling sad and depressed often, feeling alone, being mocked, being misunderstood, and more.
Looking at it that way, I could, see this as a trial by affliction, my fulfillment into son ship of the kingdom. I could see it as a loving correction or discipline of learning and refinement from the Father. I could use Christs’ example resisting sin and temptation by the enemy, even unto the shedding of his blood. I could cling to the Father as Christ did, in his desperate hours of suffering, fear and pain; instead of getting so mad at Him. Christ trusted in the Father to his death. It’s not like he was down and that’s what he wanted, it’s what he did not want! He pretty much said “I don’t want to do this, I REALLY don't want to do this, but, your will over mine”. "Your will be done Father". Christ then offered peace and joy knowing what was ahead. Promising us/ME, his believers, that this "must happen for all prophecy to be fulfilled" and to "be glad" as he has "overcome even death" and that He is the way to everlasting life. For peace to be with me/us (not doubt, not anger, not confusion) because he is risen. Luke 24:36-43. Christ didn't mourn his flesh body as much as I mourn my old body and old food. He seemed to know and believe that better was ahead.
2) How I think God could possibly be using this to produce fruit in me maybe by using this situation/illness is to teach me self-control (a fruit of the spirit), to teach me patience (a fruit of the spirit), to learn what it means to truly trust in Him when everything is really falling apart and no end is in sight, to learn to submit to Him/His will, to believe in the promises, to learn how to have strength IN the trial, to learn to have more faith in Him and in myself, to be able to discern, decipher, and withstand the darts/lies that the enemy tells me, to learn to draw closer to Him, to see that I must stop trying to do everything on my own strength /my own way, to learn to cling to his Word, to help me to conquer my feelings of worthlessness, and to see his love for me during this illness. The “situation” for me is: my illness, the poverty that we have suffered because of it, insane food restrictions, not being able to support myself, feeling worthless, alone, afraid, angry because of this illness, the depression and mood swings that chronic illness causes and intense mourning. Constant state of mourning. The loss of my body, the loss of my home/my things, the loss of my dreams, the loss of my previous freedoms with food, the loss of my income, the loss of and separation from others.
3) As angry as I am at this situation, I believe one of the character qualities I see God developing is patience, as well as faith - believing in the trial. Though I wish this could have been done another way - I too, humbly submit to His will. I see that everything related to chronic illness requires freaking patience. I'm not sure what other character qualities as of yet - I don’t like my new PTSD qualities and my frustrations with others. I don’t like my irritability or fits of anger.
I must have patience. An increase somehow in patience. Patience and trust in God, patience with my bf who does his best and patience with the world - slow to have tests and a cure and solid understanding and even belief in the existence of this illness I have. I must have patience waiting for the meds to work, trying different methods to see what will kill these things, to continue to try when its hopeless and patience with myself when I fail at perfectly doing this journey (as if that was possible). I must have patience as I am constantly misjudged, misunderstood, lied about, have my health concerns invalidated, called names, as I am questioned for my choices, and as I am the entire time suffering greatly physically - but silently. This illness is inside me and affects all parts of my body, but stealthy where no one can "see" I’m sick.
I must strive for more patience as I constantly must forgo food I love and miss and desire and watch others eat, as I feel left out, as I miss out on events of friends/family, miss out on things I really want to do, and what I want to be is not who I am now or yet even physically possible. I must be patient as I watch my body deteriorate, my previous abilities wane, and my semblance of my previous life set out to pretty much die a cold hard death.
I must have patience as I attempt to rebuild another life in THIS new sick body - rebuild what I can as much as I can to health and patience to learn to let go of any expectations of wellness or thinking too much of unknown things. I must have patience as I try to remain positive with every set back, relapse in health and increasing and worsening symptoms. I must remain patient constantly looking for the thread of hope in the day. Though I definitely don’t like it, or even understand - I bow to His Sovereignty as I learn patience (and who knows what else?) in this pain and suffering.
4) Is this situation God's discipline or a correcting of my path? Pain -1 Pet. 4:12-13, Hebrews 5:7-8, Romans 8:22, Job 30:17, 33:19, Lamentations 3:19, Isaiah 53:3-4, Psalm 38:3, Psalm 12:5, Prov. 20:30
How could this situation possibly be a loving discipline/teaching? I think this situation could be a teaching on how to have compassion for future others I may meet, how to go to God, how to be strong, how to be gentle (through watching bf's caring, self-sacrifice and kindness), how to be consistent, how to have self-control, how to pray in earnest, how to be selfless while practicing self care, how to practice faith actively when there is no reason to try or evidence of "results" to cling to, how to be forgiving of others who insult me, lie about me, call me names, misunderstand me / my situation, don't believe me, misjudge me and mistreat me, how to trust Him. What it means to choose to believe. To choose to have faith. To choose to see the blessing.
How could this situation be His correction of my path? Prov 15:5, Job 5:17, 33:19, Prov 29:!9, Deut. 8:5, 2 Tim 2:25, 2 Tim 3:16
Well, what path was I on? Where was I? I started answering this with lists. I love lists. If I had not fallen ill... I would be:
I would still be working in the stressful Finance industry in Bev Hills by now making a bit more “comfortable” $60k. SO and I were spending a lot of time apart, he at Sketchers’, me at work and school, music practice and at that time we rarely ever made time for each other. I often felt uncared for, and unloved and we weren’t talking so it’s very likely my temptation at work might have grown stronger, and I might have been tempted by lusting after my coworker and left SO for an unbeliever. I might have been so focused on school, music and success that I'd stubbornly have “forged ahead” rebelliously without thinking of God. I might have gotten successful strides in music and fallen away to the cares and riches of this world. I might have fallen victim to a false teaching at my or another church. I could have fallen into sin with an unbeliever, later gotten sad about falling away and committed suicide. I might have spent my money foolishly or become a false Christian. Attending church (or not) engaging in ministry, singing "worship songs" but have/made no real time to spend with God or learning and applying his Word or speaking to others about how knowing Him has caused amazing changes in my life and helping or caring for others.
I would have likely also had my bodybuilding as an idol - instead of prayer and being in the Word, I was much stronger than I am now, working out often and so exercise research, measurements and progress photos would have replaced my time with Him. I probably would have definitely been more preoccupied with food macros and perfect quantities, instead of fellow-shipping with believers and service to Him. I could have likely continued to be abused by my boss and manager rationalizing as I used to that "I'm on my hustle to get this music out there/can't stop the grind til I’m where I want to be / I can sleep when I’m dead" continuing solely "just doing it for the money, then I'm out!” Dangerously further reinforcing my false early childhood beliefs of what I am worth, where my security comes from and what I "need" to be "happy".
If I hadn’t fallen ill, I know that I would have still falsely believed that I needed my clothes, my bed, a dresser, family, my large walk in closet, a nice car, nice furniture, accessible parking, bags of accessories and makeup, a kitchen, friends, a comfortable large apartment, 100's of pairs of shoes, belts and purses, shampoo and moisturizers, hair dyes, CD’s, DVD’s, pictures, and many more objects that I've lost and realized I don't actually NEED anything - I desired them.
If I hadn’t fallen ill, I would not have ever learned that when Jesus says "don’t worry about your clothes or what you will eat", that "the Father will provide" he means exactly that. I always heard it, but I would not have learned how true that actually is! If I had not gotten ill, I would still think that I need to look good all the time, be sexy, measure up to be loved, that how it looks are most important, that music industry idolatry and celebrity status is desirable to achieve, I would have continued to think/believe falsely without question (as I am questioning now) that I needed to be accepted, respected and loved by the world and that without the security of money - there is nothing else left really.
If I had not gotten sick, I likely never would have questioned my songs or whether my desired "godly message" was even correct/or biblical. Being well and healthy, I most definitely would have continued to strive for and trying for success and with every failure or let down inwardly, never showing it, I would have felt worse about myself and possibly even lost my view of my salvation.
I might have become more tolerant over time of sinful songs at my job (we were listening 8 hours a day/5 days a week) and began singing them or also began a low grade alcohol addiction by attending our many co-worker bonding "happy hours" which often turned to drunken debauchery, selfies and attention seeking.
It's highly likely that the more money I made, differing environments and my connections with wealthier people it might have eventually somewhat influenced me to spend in the wrong way or see others differently. I might have become a miser with my large amounts of money, hoarding it all for "the rainy day" and not sharing it, eating lavishly and growing in disdain over time and possibly having less compassion for those less fortunate than me.
Without a doubt, if I had not gotten ill, I DEFINITELY would have finished my damned last class left to my Associates degree and then on to my Bachelor's degree! I likely would have taken a Philosophy class which could have served to make me question God's existence and truths and trade my truth/experience with the Almighty for questions and assumptions in the face of new “information”/worldly ”wisdom”. I would have likely moved closer to my school Pepperdine or San Diego, and left my best friends I’ve ever known behind. I would have constantly been meeting new people and still had a laser like focus on getting A's no matter what, keeping my 4.0 and being perfect. Studying constantly, overworking myself, and driving forward ruthlessly toward a perceived "success" which was constantly shapeshifting.
If I had not gotten ill, and very likely influenced daily by being in school with people younger than me, I would likely have started getting depressed/worried about my "aging" and started striving for relevance and chasing youth/beauty; instead of godliness and humility. I might have also continued comparing myself to other women/people and began chasing more material possessions instead of keeping my eyes focused and fixed on the perfecter of my faith - who said" do not worry about your life, your heavenly Father knows what you need before you even ask Him. Seek FIRST the kingdom."
These are just some of my "paths" I could have been on (knowing myself, my goals at the time and the way I used to think) had my path, my whole LIFE really, NOT come to a COMPLETE HALT and changed direction by getting this illness.
Hbu?
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label illness. Show all posts
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
My Illness - A (almost) Year in Pictures
In body building they have something called posting of progress pics and we would post pics along with a little blurb of that specific time in our lives of where we have been, what we ate, and where we are. Here is a pictorial journey through time to where I am now physically. Symptoms and all!
These are throwback pics of me before M..
Ah the days of gluten free pizza and veggies are gone! :(
Baked chocolate chip cookies- a thing of the past...
Before we contracted this illness there WERE other issues..both of us had dental work with lidocaine and such, I had been diagnosed with H. Pylori in March 2014 and was on natural and antibiotic meds til the beginning of June when I was cleared of it and totally healed by God.
4/16/2014
Around late June/ July we had been looking to move in together and went to a bug filled apt (at night) to do "inspection" (of which we subsequently did not take because I am scared of bugs, but who knows what we could have gotten in there?), one friend had adopted a stray cat for a couple weeks and we went to her house, I definitely felt like I had got bitten there by a flea, my other friends had just gotten rid of their flea infestation in their apt and we visited them as well during this time, and I did get bitten by something right before 4th of July we had gone to see family and also had sat leisurely in their grass. All happening days before the crawling. days before the specks and "biting/stings" ...Days before our lives totally changed.
7/2/2014
This group here is from July 2014
I remember the first sensations of itching and crawling began on my feet intensely, itching was on my chest and stings began on my hands. Strange red rashes began appearing on our bodies after the crazy itching and crawling sensations had already begun.
7/25/2014
We suspected mites or some other bugs?! fleas maybe? Desperate we began to proceed to spend ALL our savings in desperation to rid ourselves of "whatever" this was! Many daily/weekly doctor visits during July - August and into September.. many purchases of products claimed to work on mites, scabies, whatever skin crawling things there were out there on Google!
We would go to doctors by day and research and read online Google "crawling skin, itching skin" by night (there was no sleep option when the crawling was LITERALLY all over the body) and thought it was scabies or mites, so we got rid of ALL our furniture. Bye comfy bed! :( Hello PLASTIC LIFE.
This list below was a small part of the routine. We began to get rid of clothing, all personal items, prepare papers and my beloved book collection for shredding and deciding what I could keep or get rid of. Clothes washing on HOT at the laundromat (we didn't want to infect our neighbors) for 2 HOURS wash 2 HOURS dry was time consuming. NO sleep, tired, we fought a lot (I was freaking out, and suicidal. He was patient, giving it to God and just kept saying every day that he is going to be healed, we were going to be fine and this will leave us) but we were still cleaning every day and even steam cleaning the walls and ceilings during this time.
We quarantined ourselves, and spent a LOT of time trying to decipher what the hell was happening to our bodies. The crawling increased and we began to see specks on our skin where the "pinch" had occurred.
there was SOO many stingings around the computer and in my car for some reason!
Finally we found evidence of a bug and it was a mite. Just to give an idea of size of thing we were/are dealing with. I took a picture of it next to a pin. Its literally smaller than the pinhead. We thought surely it was them doing all this to us. but where were they?! We never saw them at night.. even when we used to leave the lights on ALL night because we thought it was BIRD mites.
Plastic life with bags before bins...
Sept - Oct 2014 - I moved out of that bug filled apartment that I just couldn't stop getting "bitten" in, moved many miles away into a room that my fiancee paid for for me, left my church, stopped talking to and seeing my friends, my fiancee became homeless and slept in my car, and I found a support group and wealth of information online. I began taking a bunch of supplements for Lymes disease, read up on something called Morgellons and began the hard work on changing my diet. The red rashes, "bites" and crawling continued in this new place with literally no "things" but a plastic bed and a plastic chair. This month was the month that strange brown dots began to start to be increasing on my skin, The skin actually started looking weird and scaly and worse was that I began to get strange scratch marks. Not from me scratching, but just appearing and itching. I also began losing my memory for simple things and I could no longer focus, multiply/ add correctly. It was scary.
Finally not sure what the hell was happening to me and still attending college, I looked to science...I took some of my tapings from my body to my professor (I noticed early on, when I would tape my body the crawlies would subside and "specks" would be on the tape). He mentioned seeing some colored string material like fibers and also a kind of mycota thing in the microscope.
The itchy "bites" increased around this time. I was now beginning to doubt they were really "bites" at all, since I was now living in a mostly sterile environment (I had stressed that the location MUST be bug free), had organic pesticides done before I moved in and there just were NO bugs there to blame it on. I kept up the same mites routine (as much I could, since I was also becoming totally lethargic most days and confined to the bed a lot more than I wanted) :( I had trouble concentrating remembering stuff and had to fully stop working.. and go on unemployment.
Unfortunately we also gave this to our friend, D. During this time I began this websites protocol, I just still did not know what I had and I just began lying to people (I made up “reasons” other than being sick to stop seeing anyone), feeling like I had to lie to people and I was begging God to heal me as He had promised.
9/6/2014
9/27/2014
I repeatedly asked for healing for them and they WERE healed, me on the other hand.. well, you already know I am still waiting.
I think the "roommate" had just had enough of my incessant cleaning, my now extremely long food preps, my insane washing of clothes preparations/instructions, my cooking, my weird "sleeping" hours (I could not sleep because of crawling, I was literally freaking out on the phone to anyone who would listen, up every night, out walking ALL night so I didn’t have to feel anything on me) The roommate said he didn't think it was "going to work out", he realized he actually just wanted to live alone and thought I should find somewhere more suitable to my many "needs." He just did not understand, (neither did I) my illness and all it entailed to just get through a damn night without symptoms. I left to find some other place that would have me/us with my growing "needs" / routine.
Oct - Nov 2014
I moved out and we found a cheaper place. It was definitely not as nice, but the roommate was also very clean and liked cleanliness (ie. we thought to ourselves; well then she wont freak out by HOW MUCH I need to clean) I learned the diet component of getting this under control & I proceeded to attempt to completely changed my gears diet wise, I quit dairy & ALL my fast food, restaurant food and began tracking my daily diet, symptoms and reading all labels (for hidden sugars) when I had energy level; I began to try my hand at babysitting (of all things a girl who hated kids?!?) and organizer side work since I could not longer work in administration nor string together sentences or type or use programs wittily as I once had. My SO and I came up with side job ideas.I began begging God to just remove this terrible illness realizing I still could not get rid of it after 3 months attempts on my own! I started going to services at ANY church that would have me to be anointed and prayed over. Was this going to be forever?! Around this time also by skin began "burning/stinging" when I was near ANYTHING from my previous apartment so the purge of throwing away my beloved years of stuff continued. My fiancee was already well & almost not experiencing any symptoms at all by December.
I tried to follow his faith lead and began nightly praying to God too and reading the bible.
My results for my head were that I had a partially empty sella. The Neurologist said that was not related at all to whatever symptoms, pain or lethargy I was having. On paper I was also my 2 PCP's model of a patient in great health … and still.. with the exception of some low iron and Vit D. I suffered on. We visited 4 Dermatologists, a Psychologist and an Infectious Disease Specialist referral as well as 2 Emergency Room visits could say nothing of what we had. I began to give up on medicine seeing no answers or the end of symptoms.
I had just quit smoking before all this new stress. I really wanted to start up again!
The red rashing and crawling continued on into December. I got many test results back and showed nothing. I don't have Celiacs, I am not pre-diabietic or diabetic, my immune system was said to be “okay”. Now that I had quit sugars, dairy, carbs, and gluten what the hell was I gonna eat?! And if I am so healthy why THE HELL DO I FEEL CRAWLING ALL OVER MY SKIN EVERY SINGLE DAY/NIGHT? Why am I suddenly extremely tired and can’t leave bed when I was doing p90 5 months ago?! Why am I getting these strange itchy "bite" pimple things that aren't pimples?! Where are these spots coming from? I'm getting them in places that don't EVEN GET SUN. Why do all my bones hurt now? Why can’t I add then and gave to leave my college classes?!
I decided in order to treat my body/skin in certain ways with coconut oils and body tapings and spraying this MMS stuff on my scalp, I was going to need to have less hair. I cut mine off to a shaved. :( Bye bye my beautiful girly style. I said fairwell to all my beloved hair that I used to love to color, design and style.
I still kept praying...
10/9/2014
10/21/2014
A day after we moved into the new apt, the place where our room was had flooding from the floors?! Very weird, but we decided to stay because we have no other open to us and our situation / cost effective options.
The kitchen was nice and comfortable though - which apparently now due to this illness I would spending A LOT of time in. LOL
I still had no idea these grains were being a culprit for symptoms at that time.
The bathroom ALSO flooded :(
Nov - December 2014 - this was around the time of our Anniversary and I just had a major breakdown. I did not want to live this way anymore! I did not want to live anymore! I began looking into the alkaline PH balance and checking my PH and body temperature daily. It was often in the 6.0-7.5 range and my body temp was 94-95 degrees. I started to try to understand what was causing certain symptoms.
11/11/2014
We went to church on this day and they had a huge dinner out for everyone. I had tea and freaking almonds. =( Our Thanksgiving dinner together consisted of him cooking me mixed green vegetables and us having a small piece of turkey. No pie, no sauces, no gravy, no dressings, I broke down again crying on this night also. Sweet of him nonetheless, made me positive this is the man who loves me like no other, and even in my trials he is 100% there for me as much as a person CAN BE in this situation! I LOVE HIM!
Continue to track, track, track.. what can I say I am a natural documenter. =)
I was not sure if the Lord wanted us to get married or live together since we were not yet married. I didn’t even think about sex before marriage. I was doubting us during this time.
I went from all my girly beauty products to this simple regimen...
These things are all helpful for minimizing symptoms. I still use most all of them.. except menthol I don't seem to need to be as extreme with that anymore.. but when the crawling is too much...I put this everywhere and pop a 3g Melatonin, otherwise I will NOT get any sleep.
Even in the new place with even less stuff, yep, still living the PLASTIC LIFE. :(
Giving it all up to Jesus, this month/time was INCREDIBLY difficult but I made it through and it was support and God all the way! All credit to Him!
Jan - Feb 2015 - This month I decided I was going to be a Warrior to myself. I decided I am going after my healing for 2015! I no longer wanted to live in fear of this, but to fight it. I worked hard to tighten up my diet more, I began trying even harder to fight off my damn sugar cravings, realizing what a HOLD sugar had on me, that I NEVER knew! I increased my time in the Word and started getting allies in the fight. I began sharing with my friends my need for their help in order to quit sugar and also their accountability for when I mess up.
My daily breakfast diet...
I was very depressed about my hair!
"Lint" on everything became a “skin issue” and innocent things would now affect my skin and symptoms.
Greens for lunch and I wrote my first song in pain after months of suffering with this... its called Open Up My Cage
A microphone and home studio was built for me since I wouldn't be well enough to go out anymore "for awhile".
I looked into releasing the fluids in my Lymph system..
We are beginning the searching for wedding rings...
Feb - March 2015
The studio was put together this month. Freeman and I were determined to have a nice food/symptom free Valentine's Day and still do something fun. He took me to my favorite pasta Italian restaurant in LA and I had filet mignon and vegetables (as I couldn't have any of my usuals). Then we took a drive to San Diego and I had food prepped for the whole drive and stay. Afterward, we came back to LA and went to the Dave n Busters (bringing my own food and snacks, again)
The home "studio" as it is now.
These are the flavors most places carry - I CANNOT EAT these flavors.
Valentine's week with my sweet.
We had some fights this month. Are we getting married? Aren't we? Are we moving? Aren't we? Are you leaving your job? Aren't you? Am I staying on this protocol? Am I not? What ARE we going to DO?!?! Will we find a doctor? Won’t we? This was not the best time for us.
Building... this became my motto for March.
March - Apr 2015
This month I was still figuring out if I was even going to get well, still working hard to stick to the diet and difficult disciplines of the cleaning and protocol routines, wondering if we were even getting married anymore and what was going to happen on my birthday now that I can't even have things like birthday cake anymore. God was with me this month and my friends were beginning to come to see me again and not be afraid of this illness... we also got rid of even more of our stuff. :( We found spiders and mites in this place also.
My CA family/friends threw me a surprise birthday party, got me a gluten free pizza, made me a sugar free cake of stevia, coconut milk and almonds and bought me clothes (cuz I lost all mine) and so many wonderful things I needed! I was totally blessed!
Apr - May 2015
Questioning everything this month we went to see Pastors about the marriage issue. We were both in the Word daily looking for confirmation from God. I was freaking out about many food related things during this time but still trying to stay strong and fight this illness. I started to think maybe I should quit the Quest bars? I also continued tracking food, health stats and my diet but also began tracking my mood.
My typical breakfast diet looked like and still looks like this,.
My typical lunch is salad. Sometimes my "dessert" is a small 8 oz turmeric milk shake.
Awww, look at that apple. I remember that week. I was hoping I could try to re-introduce a 1/8 slice of that apple. However, I never got to eat it and threw it away because of the crawling and the crawling really intimidates me so I don't feel comfortable enough to add something in.
I never take pictures of dinner, they aren't really that exciting. It's always a lean protein, a vegetable or two, cooked and either salad or another raw vegetable... because of this illness I try not to deviate too much right now.
These are my "allowed" snacks which I have a lot of - with the exception of this coconut yogurt below. I try NOT to have too much of it. I do have a lot of stevia with many things (lemonade stevia water, anyone?) and an insane amount of almonds daily. What can I say? Its the only thing I CAN eat that I like the taste of.
5/7/2015
Usually have 1/4 c of this yogurt only. This is a treat, I don't eat this every day or even every week.
is also the month I actually THREW AWAY all my expensive grains. I WAS EXTREMELY upset by this..an the fact that no, I still cannot even eat a 1/3 c of cassava. No carb at all. I am not sure why. Bye bye grains.. how I wish God would grant me 1 c leniency of quinoa, brown rice, and green apples or a damn berry...
Another lunch :)
This was a drink that was supposed to take away my crawlies, it did not for me.
My back and upper body is much stronger now since I started lifting again. Even on this crap no carb diet I have had some little gains. But clearly the pimple/ itchy "bites" symptom is not gone as you can see on the lower right side.
Here is what was in my fridge. I tried that almond cheese one time, also but cut it out.
and I have NO idea what the hell is going on with my body or why I still have all these symptoms (ON TOP OF THE DREADED PIRATE CRAWLIES!) but I do trust Him to heal me. He said he would (not on my time) and I believe. While I wait AND ACT in faith, I remember the promise.
I tried to follow his faith lead and began nightly praying to God too and reading the bible.
My results for my head were that I had a partially empty sella. The Neurologist said that was not related at all to whatever symptoms, pain or lethargy I was having. On paper I was also my 2 PCP's model of a patient in great health … and still.. with the exception of some low iron and Vit D. I suffered on. We visited 4 Dermatologists, a Psychologist and an Infectious Disease Specialist referral as well as 2 Emergency Room visits could say nothing of what we had. I began to give up on medicine seeing no answers or the end of symptoms.
I began this protocol out of desperation.
I decided in order to treat my body/skin in certain ways with coconut oils and body tapings and spraying this MMS stuff on my scalp, I was going to need to have less hair. I cut mine off to a shaved. :( Bye bye my beautiful girly style. I said fairwell to all my beloved hair that I used to love to color, design and style.
More strange brown spots. :(
10/9/2014
10/21/2014
I began to desire to learn to cook and also to incorporate healing teas and detox juices and such. I never thought IN MY LIFE that I would be eating raw onions, raw garlic or any such things I began eating but I was / am desperate! This was a day I had my blood checked.
The kitchen was nice and comfortable though - which apparently now due to this illness I would spending A LOT of time in. LOL
I still had no idea these grains were being a culprit for symptoms at that time.
10/17/2014
Nov - December 2014 - this was around the time of our Anniversary and I just had a major breakdown. I did not want to live this way anymore! I did not want to live anymore! I began looking into the alkaline PH balance and checking my PH and body temperature daily. It was often in the 6.0-7.5 range and my body temp was 94-95 degrees. I started to try to understand what was causing certain symptoms.
11/11/2014
Continue to track, track, track.. what can I say I am a natural documenter. =)
I went from all my girly beauty products to this simple regimen...
These things are all helpful for minimizing symptoms. I still use most all of them.. except menthol I don't seem to need to be as extreme with that anymore.. but when the crawling is too much...I put this everywhere and pop a 3g Melatonin, otherwise I will NOT get any sleep.
Even in the new place with even less stuff, yep, still living the PLASTIC LIFE. :(
Jan - Feb 2015 - This month I decided I was going to be a Warrior to myself. I decided I am going after my healing for 2015! I no longer wanted to live in fear of this, but to fight it. I worked hard to tighten up my diet more, I began trying even harder to fight off my damn sugar cravings, realizing what a HOLD sugar had on me, that I NEVER knew! I increased my time in the Word and started getting allies in the fight. I began sharing with my friends my need for their help in order to quit sugar and also their accountability for when I mess up.
My daily breakfast diet...
I was very depressed about my hair!
But I was determined to still fight.
A microphone and home studio was built for me since I wouldn't be well enough to go out anymore "for awhile".
We are beginning the searching for wedding rings...
Feb - March 2015
The studio was put together this month. Freeman and I were determined to have a nice food/symptom free Valentine's Day and still do something fun. He took me to my favorite pasta Italian restaurant in LA and I had filet mignon and vegetables (as I couldn't have any of my usuals). Then we took a drive to San Diego and I had food prepped for the whole drive and stay. Afterward, we came back to LA and went to the Dave n Busters (bringing my own food and snacks, again)
The home "studio" as it is now.
At some point I realized these were the only protein bars I could eat as they had 0-1 g sugar so I became pretty addicted and searched everywhere for them! (Note: WE CANNOT EAT THESE, I found out they have something else in them that makes them bad. OF COURSE! right?!)
This is the only one I could have.. or so I thought.
Since I had no clothes, someone I worked for was nice enough to give me this dress. Ironically, I was fighting to stay close to Jesus thru my illness and was blessed to show love of Christ, while suffering and still worked hard for my organizer clients (who were devil worshippers) :)
We had some fights this month. Are we getting married? Aren't we? Are we moving? Aren't we? Are you leaving your job? Aren't you? Am I staying on this protocol? Am I not? What ARE we going to DO?!?! Will we find a doctor? Won’t we? This was not the best time for us.
Building... this became my motto for March.
March - Apr 2015
This month I was still figuring out if I was even going to get well, still working hard to stick to the diet and difficult disciplines of the cleaning and protocol routines, wondering if we were even getting married anymore and what was going to happen on my birthday now that I can't even have things like birthday cake anymore. God was with me this month and my friends were beginning to come to see me again and not be afraid of this illness... we also got rid of even more of our stuff. :( We found spiders and mites in this place also.
kitchen
"living" room
This strange rash appeared for about 1 day after my "birthday cake" and protocol "food" was eaten. They really tried. I was not mad at them. It ironically did NOT itch at all. I knew then though I can't even have a gluten free, cheese free, sugar free Blaze pizza. Then 7 days later it was gone.
Troubled daily by
the voice of the enemy and a Batman Arkam City
video game move I saw a client do, I wrote this song. Silent Takedown.
I was humbled and blessed for my birthday more than once - this day was a wonderful surprise.
My best friend K moved away, but I got to see her and have a lunch together - she asked a lot of questions about my new diet.
My CA family/friends threw me a surprise birthday party, got me a gluten free pizza, made me a sugar free cake of stevia, coconut milk and almonds and bought me clothes (cuz I lost all mine) and so many wonderful things I needed! I was totally blessed!
Friends from my past came to see me even momentarily to celebrate lil ol me. :)
Apr - May 2015
Questioning everything this month we went to see Pastors about the marriage issue. We were both in the Word daily looking for confirmation from God. I was freaking out about many food related things during this time but still trying to stay strong and fight this illness. I started to think maybe I should quit the Quest bars? I also continued tracking food, health stats and my diet but also began tracking my mood.
My typical breakfast diet looked like and still looks like this,.
I had tried adding in a grain "quinoa", but that was a no go from my body. This spiraled me into a week of depression... and deciding not to add in any grains til body said yes.
4/42015
These are my "allowed" snacks which I have a lot of - with the exception of this coconut yogurt below. I try NOT to have too much of it. I do have a lot of stevia with many things (lemonade stevia water, anyone?) and an insane amount of almonds daily. What can I say? Its the only thing I CAN eat that I like the taste of.
5/7/2015
Usually have 1/4 c of this yogurt only. This is a treat, I don't eat this every day or even every week.
This is a daily staple. I call this recipe “Almond Butter and Stevia”. LOL It's yummy and hasn't gotten "tired" or played out yet.
I tried this 1 week, and I don't think I can tolerate it yet, even though it is literally only beans as the ingredient.
is also the month I actually THREW AWAY all my expensive grains. I WAS EXTREMELY upset by this..an the fact that no, I still cannot even eat a 1/3 c of cassava. No carb at all. I am not sure why. Bye bye grains.. how I wish God would grant me 1 c leniency of quinoa, brown rice, and green apples or a damn berry...
Another lunch :)
This was a drink that was supposed to take away my crawlies, it did not for me.
5/26/2015
Here is what was in my fridge. I tried that almond cheese one time, also but cut it out.
Jun 2015 - future.
These are pics from yesterday. Looking back over this last year it really doesn't seem that anything has changed symptoms wise at all. I mean I woke up with these itchy bites on my neck once again as I have throughout the entire time I have had this.
Through these pictures it could seem after all the money I have spent, cleaning and the amount of time on my protocol and changing to new diet has not changed ANYTHING in terms of my symptoms, however, looking at my prayer life, I have changed tremendously in strength of character, relationship with God, understanding of myself and in learning to trust Him.
and I have NO idea what the hell is going on with my body or why I still have all these symptoms (ON TOP OF THE DREADED PIRATE CRAWLIES!) but I do trust Him to heal me. He said he would (not on my time) and I believe. While I wait AND ACT in faith, I remember the promise.
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