Today's Verse of the Day - 1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:12-20

-Today's Verse of the Day -

 “I have the right to do anything,” you say-but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”-but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:12-20‬ ‭NIV‬‬&http://bible.com/111/1co.6.12-20.niv

Very important verse today. It makes me think of my situation and it also saddens me how many who call themselves Christians seem to take their way of living for Christ so lightly. We are the temple of His HOLY SPIRIT. Everything we do, speak, hear or watch with our senses should glorify Him. We no longer belong to ourselves to do whatever we want. What does this mean? Paraphrasing Paul lol, if you are single and looking for a relationship, HE IS your bf/gf. If you are married, HE IS both of your duty to serve Him, together, simultaneous to serving (yes men, being a servant to your wife) your spouse.

We are "saved by grace, not by works" but many misunderstand grace. Grace doesn't mean we can live whichever way you want or you can justify what we do and think/say "god agrees". Jesus said "if you love me, then DO as I say" if you love me, keep my commandments." He said "be holy like God the father is Holy." Paul also says we "are a new creation in Christ, we put away our old ways and live a life that is pleasing to God."

Paul specifically reminded us that grace doesn't mean that we aren't beholden to the Lord anymore or his early desires. I'm baffled when people say "Oh no, the Old Testament? No, we don't need to care/follow/those anymore." Um, what? Yes we do, we at the very least still TRY to because "God is not a man, that He should change His mind" "He is the same yesterday, today and forever." He deserves our best. So TRY being the operative word here, because EVEN IF we do as perfectly as we can, which is IMPOSSIBLE. His Word says we still can't be saved, unless we have accepted the grace. HE chooses, not us. He reads the hearts and intentions/minds. Not us.

The difference between the Old Testament and New is that Jesus came to take our sins so by accepting His sacrifice and surrendering to Him; ALL of our sins of the past are covered by his blood, and any sin present or future that we do is covered under the blood if we do it out of ignorance, but if we sin willfully God's Holy Spirit will deal with us so we can repent and turn.
If we don't repent and turn away after being convicted by Him, then we are in total rebellion of God and the Spirit and that's when we fall in danger of falling away from the faith, having "itchy ears", and heeding instead to the self, evil spirits, and ultimately the devil. Following instead "doctrines of demons."

It is ONLY because of Jesus that we may still FAIL at these attempts and YET still have grace and find rest and some peace. Jesus said "I came NOT TO ABOLISH the law..."& But people and sadly many Christians, conveniently miss that part. He "came to fulfill it" not do away with it, which means it still stands; he is the fulfillment of the acceptance of the fact that we will still sin, but those sins (for the believers) are now ATONED for by a gracious God. Jesus is the fulfillment of that law but not because it isn't important to God anymore. What was important to Him then is what's important to Him NOW!

 It seems to me so easy to understand; but so is seeing a red light, watching a movie, or reading a book cover is easy for a person with healthy vision and hearing, but probably almost near impossible for someone who has blindfolded themselves or allows themselves to be blindfolded and has loud music playing in their ears.

What is the law? Books discussing uneven scales, murder, sexual perversions with family members/rape, serving other gods, lying under oath, accepting and taking blood of others/animals, injustices, taking bribes, greed, impurity, seeking fortunes, divination, dark arts, idol worship, sorcery etc.

The New Testament speaks of these same characteristics not being saved, but in different wordings. That law hasn't changed because of Jesus coming! He is our ransom! Without Jesus' fulfillment, we were (those who do not believe still are) objects of wrath and sin which leads only to judgement and death everlasting away from God. We needed the fulfillment because we were (and ARE - take a look around at the world) doing those sinful things!

Even unknowingly we still sin! "All"& (not some) of us are accountable Jesus said and "will have to give an account" at the judgement. Not just "unbelievers" or the evildoers.&The only difference for us (follwers of Christ and DOERS of the Word) and others is that glorious GRACE!! &We accepted it, we believed, (some of us didn't even know why but it just made sense to us). We choose sheepdom; were convicted and then tried to turn from sins (and still do, I hope!).
The apostles kept the law. We are to keep the commandments of God still, we fail everyday. Sometimes without knowing and sometimes out of stubbornness we just don't want to obey God and we tend to justify ourselves somehow.

We are no longer under the rituals of the law of shedding the blood of animals because Jesus became are ultimate sacrifice and HE SHED blood, but the commandments of God still stand, not only the 10 commandments, but many others that teach us specifically how to treat others.&Many of these laws/things today are mocked in the media and many people in the world considers as "foolishness, legalistic, judgmental, & pure evil."

But I am reminded of why some are blindfolded and cannot hear. Who is "the ruler of the air"? Who is the "prince of this world"? In who’s "hands does it say in God's Word that the whole world is lying in"? Satan's.

Christ was hated, made to suffer for our sins, then was put to death horrifically and He rose from the dead! He "overcame even death." I'd say as His "sheep to that shepherd" we are in great company. This is an intense topic which some Christians go as far as calling us who believe in attempting at living a holy life, "legalistic". To many today, “legalism” is attempting to be living a life as children of light and in respect of of a just and merciful God, and not living one of darkness; this lifestyle is considered to be so bad. It’s sad but this mindset makes me feel like many Christians want comfortable Christianity, "give me lots of “blessing,’ but don't talk about sin!"

We need to talk about sin. Sin is the reason this world is in such a mess. Everything without God's spirit is mans’ spirit and ultimately Satan's. We find ourselves sad, hurt, confused and in pain because we don't talk about sin anymore and its consequences enough. Just &take a look at the world around us. Even atheistic unbelievers can see that something is going horribly wrong morally in the world.

As Christians I am called simply to speak of Jesus, to love and to pray earnestly for those who walk in darkness so that the light of Jesus may/will be revealed to them in His mercy. I hope that I am / can ever be an example that love, peace, wisdom, comfort awaits those who find the ONLY light inside me. Jesus.

Proverbs Men Study - Man 1 - Can you spot him?

 "The violent, the ruthless, the rebel, the wicked, the angry man, the dark stranger, the hot-headed man, the cold shoulder man, the man of strife, "he who loves to quarrel"

These words may sound very daunting, powerful, scary, and alarmingly this type of description is exciting to some women. Women who wind up in unhappy relationships. Women who wind up sick from added stressors. Women who wind end up being abused or killed. Women who wind up lonely and with children who are essentially fatherless.

The world & media (movies/TV/magazine ads/social) seems to love and give attention to these male archetypes, and unknowingly men may even try to emulate these qualities thinking this is what it means to be "a man" and rule the household, but God says he DETESTS men with these qualities. He HATES them. He DESPISES them and their actions DISGUST him. He says He DOES NOT even hear their prayers. 

Learning this, I humbly asked myself and I wonder why would I or any woman want to CONTINUE to choose this type of man for her boy"friend"?  Or if we are already with one of these men, why we would CONTINUE to stay?  This is NOT the kind of man God wants for us, or that he even likes, protects, guards or listens to. You may believe you "deserve" him, but the God of the Universe DOES not agree!

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

Proverbs 1:7 NIV

- Is your man "teachable"? Does he mostly behave/speak in a way that shows he values correction, improvement and actively makes CONSISTENT changes he needs to make for your relationship? 

- Does he have "fear of the Lord", or even know the Lord? 

Proverbs 2:6-9 NIV

“For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He holds success in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones. Then you will understand what is right and just and fair—every good path.”

A man who would harm us at all is not to be trusted or close to. Gods Word issues a warning.

“Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you. Do not accuse anyone for no reason— when they have done you no harm.”

Proverbs 3:29-30 NIV

- How many times have I been accused of cheating? Or doing something wrong by a ungodly boyfriend? Countless. How many times have I been physically hurt by my so called "loving" boyfriends, "for my own good?" Or I "deserved it that time" or was told it's "no big deal" "just a mistake." Not to mention emotionally hurt or mentally gas-lighted. Different men have different responses, but the character trait is EXACTLY the same. 

I accepted it because I thought it was normal. After all, I had lived that way my whole childhood. I accepted it because I did not value myself. I accepted it because I felt (in their dysfunction) they could "relate" to me/understand me. I accepted it because I was lonely and didn't believe anyone would truly ever want me. THEN I met God and I read the Bible I'm sharing now- which uncovered the lies I believed and changed my "truth" and improved MY LIFE.. 

For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.”

Proverbs 3:29-30, 32 NIV

- Who are the "perverse"? The men listed above as described by their traits. Google says they are (of a person or their actions) showing a deliberate and obstinate desire to behave in a way that is unreasonable or unacceptable, often in spite of the consequences.

synonyms: contrary, difficult, unreasonable, uncooperative, unhelpful, obstructive, disobliging, recalcitrant, stubborn, obstinate, obdurate, mulish, pigheaded, bullheaded. 

- This also happens to be a great description of the actions (not the sweet make-up words) characteristic of an abusive man. The one who will NOT listen as you have told him repeatedly to stop saying that to you/about you. The one who will NOT listen as you pleaded with him more than once to get help and he makes one call in front of you and then "forgets". The one who will NOT listen as you tell him repeated not to hurt you again and to stop disrespecting you and he does it, again. "Sorry" and then again. "Sorry, you know I love you so much. I promise never again" And then AGAIN.. And again. And Again. Feel me?

- Let's take a look at some more of his qualities in God's Word. Intense WARNINGS God has given us AGAINST being with these type of men. He lovingly repeats it over and over differently each verse until we "get it" and I will do the same here. 

“Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.”

Proverbs 4:5-6 NIV

"Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or walk in the way of evildoers. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn from it and go on your way. For they cannot rest until they do evil; they are robbed of sleep till they make someone stumble. They eat the bread of wickedness and drink the wine of violence.”

Proverbs 4:5-6, 14-17 NIV

“From the fruit of their lips people enjoy good things, but the unfaithful have an appetite for violence. Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin."

"Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."

"Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.”

Proverbs 13:2-3, 10, 18 NIV

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit."

"The Lord detests the way of the wicked, but he loves those who pursue righteousness."

"Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil."

"Better a small serving of vegetables with love than a large fattened calf with hatred."

"A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel."

"The Lord detests the thoughts of the wicked, but gracious words are pure in his sight."

"The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil."

"The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous."

"Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord, and humility comes before honor.”

Proverbs 15:1, 4, 9, 16-18, 26, 28-29, 33 NIV

- There are two opposite qualities here being pointed out as God the Father and Holy Spirit does/do for us ladies ALL through the book of Proverbs. 

- Notice the evil/wicked man is one who often speaks rashly, without thought to consequences or feelings of another, the evil mans prayers are not heard, he is one who is most often NOT humble or quiet in a peaceful sense, he often stirs up conflicts (fights/arguments), and he often IS NOT gentle or soothing. He shifts blame. He lies. He commands, instead of asks. He assumes, instead of inquire. He is thoughtless to your needs, focused on his.

I loved this because this is a clear description of what he "looks like" in a persons' daily/weekly/monthly actions and behaviors. I never had that kind of wisdom on men - except my wrong "daddy compass" to go by!  It also and this is important-- is a very CLEAR picture of what we type of man that we DON'T want to have in our lives; especially to MARRY. 

He also gives us a clear look into the qualities we should look for while in our mate search. I will go into that post another time. 

The God of the universe has sound wisdom and advice in this love area and read for yourself and believe HE wants more for you!  He basically says "YOU DESERVE BETTER. I don't like this type of man."

His type of love he wants for you is described here.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/gods_love_for_us

It is described as being patient, kind, truthful, unselfish, trusting, believing, hopeful, and enduring. It is not jealous, boastful, arrogant, prideful, rude, selfish, or angry. True love never fails. 

The description perfectly fits God's love toward us, and should be the way we love each other and God. You cannot do that in a loveless relationship with a "wicked man" who has not had his heart truly "changed" by God. 

For the record, I have never met any person who PERFECTLY fulfills this biblical definition of love, but thanks to the Book of Proverbs and Gods gift of wisdom, I can now enjoy love like I have NEVER known before!! 

The Bible says that this unconditional love is more important than everything else (a partial list includes oratory ability, prophecy, knowledge, faith, philanthropy and hope). All of these things, which are "good" things, will pass away. 

Only love is eternal, since God is love & Jesus will be the basis of eternal life. In fact, when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He said, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND." (Matthew 22:37)10

He then added that the second most important law was "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF." Jesus said that the entire law was dependent upon these two commandments.

If you are not a Christian, I hope you at least desire to RECEIVE and express love as defined in the Bible. 

This kind of love is possible through relying on the power of God, reading this book of Proverbs to recognize the good man, and through faith in Jesus Christ. 

May the Lord direct our bruised and brokenness into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ who will lead us to a man after God's heart and be gentle with ours.

Are There Lessons in My Suffering? - My 4 Questions

This week I began a very introspective study and reading the Word like I often do in these crazy symptom filled times of pain and frustration. In this self-study I was asked 4 odd questions, and I decided to answer them as honestly as I could. What I found there has been astonishing, eye opening and perspective changing in hopefully a permanent way. As usual, with my "revelations" I decided to share them here and to hopefully someday maybe benefit someone else.

Here are the questions (I dare anyone to ask them to yourself and share them with me) :P
1) How does this situation I'm in help me to understand more about Christ?
2) How can/ could God be using this situation to produce fruit in me?
3) What character qualities can God develop in me through this situation?
4) Is this situation/(how could this be) God's loving discipline to correct me or to change me to the right path?

Then I meditated each day, in prayer, in reflection, in the Word.. to try to find a possible answer because I fought these questions initially. This is what was shown to me.

1) In what freaking possible way could this absolutely terrible situation be helping me to understand more about Christ?! What do I even really know about Christ?! Romans 8:22, 1 Peter 2:19, Isaiah 53:4, Galatians 4:19, 1 Peter 4:12, Romans 8:18

Christ was obedient to the Father even to death on the cross. He was given by the Father as a sacrifice for sins he did not commit. He too could have said as I often do to the Father "hey, this isn't fair" "why is this happening to ME?" "If you loved me why aren’t you keeping me from this pain/suffering?" He too cried out to the Father day and night as I do, Christ too was in constant prayer as I am, He was the Son of God and YET, yet he too was made to suffer tremendously for my/our many sins. Comparing my suffering to his suffering still there is no match. He knew who he was to the Father, he had confidence in his son ship and trusted in the Father. In suffering, he gave glory to the Father and still thanked and praised Him. This is what is also desired I believe of me. The suffering that Christ endured, I am getting a smaller taste of: extreme physical pain, being ridiculed, feeling sad and depressed often, feeling alone, being mocked, being misunderstood, and more.

Looking at it that way, I could, see this as a trial by affliction, my fulfillment into son ship of the kingdom. I could see it as a loving correction or discipline of learning and refinement from the Father. I could use Christs’ example resisting sin and temptation by the enemy, even unto the shedding of his blood. I could cling to the Father as Christ did, in his desperate hours of suffering, fear and pain; instead of getting so mad at Him. Christ trusted in the Father to his death. It’s not like he was down and that’s what he wanted, it’s what he did not want! He pretty much said “I don’t want to do this, I REALLY don't want to do this, but, your will over mine”. "Your will be done Father". Christ then offered peace and joy knowing what was ahead. Promising us/ME, his believers, that this "must happen for all prophecy to be fulfilled" and to "be glad" as he has "overcome even death" and that He is the way to everlasting life. For peace to be with me/us (not doubt, not anger, not confusion) because he is risen. Luke 24:36-43. Christ didn't mourn his flesh body as much as I mourn my old body and old food. He seemed to know and believe that better was ahead.

2) How I think God could possibly be using this to produce fruit in me maybe by using this situation/illness is to teach me self-control (a fruit of the spirit), to teach me patience (a fruit of the spirit), to learn what it means to truly trust in Him when everything is really falling apart and no end is in sight, to learn to submit to Him/His will, to believe in the promises, to learn how to have strength IN the trial, to learn to have more faith in Him and in myself, to be able to discern, decipher, and withstand the darts/lies that the enemy tells me, to learn to draw closer to Him, to see that I must stop trying to do everything on my own strength /my own way, to learn to cling to his Word, to help me to conquer my feelings of worthlessness, and to see his love for me during this illness. The “situation” for me is: my illness, the poverty that we have suffered because of it, insane food restrictions, not being able to support myself, feeling worthless, alone, afraid, angry because of this illness, the depression and mood swings that chronic illness causes and intense mourning. Constant state of mourning. The loss of my body, the loss of my home/my things, the loss of my dreams, the loss of my previous freedoms with food, the loss of my income, the loss of and separation from others.

3) As angry as I am at this situation, I believe one of the character qualities I see God developing is patience, as well as faith - believing in the trial. Though I wish this could have been done another way - I too, humbly submit to His will. I see that everything related to chronic illness requires freaking patience. I'm not sure what other character qualities as of yet - I don’t like my new PTSD qualities and my frustrations with others. I don’t like my irritability or fits of anger.

I must have patience. An increase somehow in patience. Patience and trust in God, patience with my bf who does his best and patience with the world - slow to have tests and a cure and solid understanding and even belief in the existence of this illness I have. I must have patience waiting for the meds to work, trying different methods to see what will kill these things, to continue to try when its hopeless and patience with myself when I fail at perfectly doing this journey (as if that was possible). I must have patience as I am constantly misjudged, misunderstood, lied about, have my health concerns invalidated, called names, as I am questioned for my choices, and as I am the entire time suffering greatly physically - but silently. This illness is inside me and affects all parts of my body, but stealthy where no one can "see" I’m sick.
I must strive for more patience as I constantly must forgo food I love and miss and desire and watch others eat, as I feel left out, as I miss out on events of friends/family, miss out on things I really want to do, and what I want to be is not who I am now or yet even physically possible. I must be patient as I watch my body deteriorate, my previous abilities wane, and my semblance of my previous life set out to pretty much die a cold hard death.

I must have patience as I attempt to rebuild another life in THIS new sick body - rebuild what I can as much as I can to health and patience to learn to let go of any expectations of wellness or thinking too much of unknown things. I must have patience as I try to remain positive with every set back, relapse in health and increasing and worsening symptoms. I must remain patient constantly looking for the thread of hope in the day. Though I definitely don’t like it, or even understand - I bow to His Sovereignty as I learn patience (and who knows what else?) in this pain and suffering.

4) Is this situation God's discipline or a correcting of my path? Pain -1 Pet. 4:12-13, Hebrews 5:7-8, Romans 8:22, Job 30:17, 33:19, Lamentations 3:19, Isaiah 53:3-4, Psalm 38:3, Psalm 12:5, Prov. 20:30

How could this situation possibly be a loving discipline/teaching? I think this situation could be a teaching on how to have compassion for future others I may meet, how to go to God, how to be strong, how to be gentle (through watching bf's caring, self-sacrifice and kindness), how to be consistent, how to have self-control, how to pray in earnest, how to be selfless while practicing self care, how to practice faith actively when there is no reason to try or evidence of "results" to cling to, how to be forgiving of others who insult me, lie about me, call me names, misunderstand me / my situation, don't believe me, misjudge me and mistreat me, how to trust Him. What it means to choose to believe. To choose to have faith. To choose to see the blessing.

How could this situation be His correction of my path? Prov 15:5, Job 5:17, 33:19, Prov 29:!9, Deut. 8:5, 2 Tim 2:25, 2 Tim 3:16
Well, what path was I on? Where was I? I started answering this with lists. I love lists. If I had not fallen ill... I would be:

I would still be working in the stressful Finance industry in Bev Hills by now making a bit more “comfortable” $60k. SO and I were spending a lot of time apart, he at Sketchers’, me at work and school, music practice and at that time we rarely ever made time for each other. I often felt uncared for, and unloved and we weren’t talking so it’s very likely my temptation at work might have grown stronger, and I might have been tempted by lusting after my coworker and left SO for an unbeliever. I might have been so focused on school, music and success that I'd stubbornly have “forged ahead” rebelliously without thinking of God. I might have gotten successful strides in music and fallen away to the cares and riches of this world. I might have fallen victim to a false teaching at my or another church. I could have fallen into sin with an unbeliever, later gotten sad about falling away and committed suicide. I might have spent my money foolishly or become a false Christian. Attending church (or not) engaging in ministry, singing "worship songs" but have/made no real time to spend with God or learning and applying his Word or speaking to others about how knowing Him has caused amazing changes in my life and helping or caring for others.

I would have likely also had my bodybuilding as an idol - instead of prayer and being in the Word, I was much stronger than I am now, working out often and so exercise research, measurements and progress photos would have replaced my time with Him. I probably would have definitely been more preoccupied with food macros and perfect quantities, instead of fellow-shipping with believers and service to Him. I could have likely continued to be abused by my boss and manager rationalizing as I used to that "I'm on my hustle to get this music out there/can't stop the grind til I’m where I want to be / I can sleep when I’m dead" continuing solely "just doing it for the money, then I'm out!” Dangerously further reinforcing my false early childhood beliefs of what I am worth, where my security comes from and what I "need" to be "happy".

If I hadn’t fallen ill, I know that I would have still falsely believed that I needed my clothes, my bed, a dresser, family, my large walk in closet, a nice car, nice furniture, accessible parking, bags of accessories and makeup, a kitchen, friends, a comfortable large apartment, 100's of pairs of shoes, belts and purses, shampoo and moisturizers, hair dyes, CD’s, DVD’s, pictures, and many more objects that I've lost and realized I don't actually NEED anything - I desired them.

If I hadn’t fallen ill, I would not have ever learned that when Jesus says "don’t worry about your clothes or what you will eat", that "the Father will provide" he means exactly that. I always heard it, but I would not have learned how true that actually is! If I had not gotten ill, I would still think that I need to look good all the time, be sexy, measure up to be loved, that how it looks are most important, that music industry idolatry and celebrity status is desirable to achieve, I would have continued to think/believe falsely without question (as I am questioning now) that I needed to be accepted, respected and loved by the world and that without the security of money - there is nothing else left really.

If I had not gotten sick, I likely never would have questioned my songs or whether my desired "godly message" was even correct/or biblical. Being well and healthy, I most definitely would have continued to strive for and trying for success and with every failure or let down inwardly, never showing it, I would have felt worse about myself and possibly even lost my view of my salvation.
I might have become more tolerant over time of sinful songs at my job (we were listening 8 hours a day/5 days a week) and began singing them or also began a low grade alcohol addiction by attending our many co-worker bonding "happy hours" which often turned to drunken debauchery, selfies and attention seeking.

It's highly likely that the more money I made, differing environments and my connections with wealthier people it might have eventually somewhat influenced me to spend in the wrong way or see others differently. I might have become a miser with my large amounts of money, hoarding it all for "the rainy day" and not sharing it, eating lavishly and growing in disdain over time and possibly having less compassion for those less fortunate than me.

Without a doubt, if I had not gotten ill, I DEFINITELY would have finished my damned last class left to my Associates degree and then on to my Bachelor's degree! I likely would have taken a Philosophy class which could have served to make me question God's existence and truths and trade my truth/experience with the Almighty for questions and assumptions in the face of new “information”/worldly ”wisdom”. I would have likely moved closer to my school Pepperdine or San Diego, and left my best friends I’ve ever known behind. I would have constantly been meeting new people and still had a laser like focus on getting A's no matter what, keeping my 4.0 and being perfect. Studying constantly, overworking myself, and driving forward ruthlessly toward a perceived "success" which was constantly shapeshifting.

If I had not gotten ill, and very likely influenced daily by being in school with people younger than me, I would likely have started getting depressed/worried about my "aging" and started striving for relevance and chasing youth/beauty; instead of godliness and humility. I might have also continued comparing myself to other women/people and began chasing more material possessions instead of keeping my eyes focused and fixed on the perfecter of my faith - who said" do not worry about your life, your heavenly Father knows what you need before you even ask Him. Seek FIRST the kingdom."

These are just some of my "paths" I could have been on (knowing myself, my goals at the time and the way I used to think) had my path, my whole LIFE really, NOT come to a COMPLETE HALT and changed direction by getting this illness.

Hbu?

My birthday already

Birthday: My birthday is in 2 days. Wow, it's my birthday already! There is a lot on my mind during this time of year. I love and hate my birthday. I always wanted to be the girl with all the friends who had surprise birthday parties from loving friends or big to do events with lots of people. I am learning that even though I may secretly want that - that is just not my life. And I need to accept that and move on. Right now with M, it is most definitely NOT going to happen. I am still protective of those around me that I love, and I don't want my friends to get this. My family is far away and I don't have them around for so many years so other than my mom with Lyme's, I don’t have to worry about giving this to them.

How many years have I spent in fear and loathing on this earth? Beginning when I was thrown down flights of stairs at 3 for not being able to recite/write my ABC’s to expectation.. hmm. I spent so many years longing for death. Having a spirit of death on me in my (pre-Christ) loose choices, drug-smoking – alcoholic-sugary lifestyle, in my complete lack of self- esteem and insecurities, in my self-destructive tendencies, in my anger and jealousy towards others, in my allowance of abuse from others...

Oh how I could sit here at home and spend the days up to my birthday thinking of how much time I have “wasted', how OLD I am and where has my life gone and all that I have NOT done while being sick or in fear. OR I could CHOOSE to focus on getting well and what life will be like in the future. I realized as positive as I am striving to be now, I often have (and have had) such a negative outlook on myself and my future because of my past.

My past…mhmm. Why do birthdays even make us think of the past? Because of my cheat 3 weeks ago, I now wont be able to celebrate my birthday with any kind of fun coconutty treat that I was planning to re-try introducing. 1 Sage Bistro coconut cookie (made with coconut sugar) and a nice 10 oz rooibos tea with stevia - that's what I want for my birthday. What I am getting is a year gym membership (with a dry sauna), a hike with my girlfriend up a beautiful mountain (as far up as I can make it), a Skype call with family (if they answer when I call) and hopefully I will treat myself to something nice that I love and is NOT food. What IS that anyway? Food has been my comfort for so long it is important; tantamount even, to my continued healing that I NO LONGER REWARD MYSELF with FOOD or A SWEET TREAT at all. I need NEW rewards for my new life and my new/future body. Thinking of HEALING and hearing of others POSITIVE OUTCOMES going back to their lives is what I choose today.

Fitness Goals: Timely to this, I also just found out that I cannot bodybuild back to where I was intending to go physically, with a completely no-carb diet. This is somewhat depressing, but I will continue on with my fitness - lightly. Speaking of fitness, my entire lower body (glutes, hams, quads and calves worked hard!) are on fire and suuuuper sore today. I hit 100 lbs in leg press and hip Ab/Adductions, 30 lbs in Leg Curls/Ext and still holding at 45 lbs with Lat Pulldowns. I’m holding stead weight at 108 lbs. I’m not where I was before M in terms of strength, but also not that far down weight wise as I would expect being this sick for THIS LONG and with many more who-knows-whats-to-come months to go. Overall, I have still have some muscle mass, but I really see the effects of this diet on my ability to gain muscle and strength. I just don't yet know how to do “gains” on this plant based diet - even with all the protein I take in macros wise. If I could even have 1 carb I would be happier than having NO carbs/grains at all. It is what it is. I will research it. Today and tomorrow are “rest days” from working out (as is any other day I am tired, often with this M) LOL

This birthday time is a really great opportunity to begin pondering on what my new rewards could be. Dare I Google it? "Ok Google, ways reward oneself do not include food" "Food is the most widely abused anti-anxiety drug in America, and exercise is the most potent yet underutilized antidepressant." ~Bill Phillips – soo true. Any suggestions for me?

I found some Snack Healthy Ideas that I may try to celebrate the birthday night with. I may just have a granny smith apple since I have not seen if it’s natural sugar affects me yet and if I am gonna cheat at all EVER it should be with something like that – NOT last time’s mistake.

Please note: - - -> All SUGARS in these recipes ARE REPLACED BY STEVIA.
http://www.onegreenplanet.org/vegan-recipe/raw-avocado-cacao-mousse/

http://elanaspantry.com/power-bars/

http://www.thrive-style.com/2012/02/hemp-seed-breakfast-cookies-with-chia-and-coconut/

http://www.foodiefiasco.com/homemade-coconut-cashew-quest-bars/

http://purpology.com/2014/03/04/homemade-quest-bars/

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=Gluten%20Free%2C%20Dairy%20Free%2C%20Refined-Sugar%20Free%20Desserts%20stevia

Symptoms: I have had A LOT of stinging and some spurts of redness/inflammation lately. Not as much of the "itchy bites" as last month. 1 or 3 popup and then they are gone in the next 2 days. Lots more of the small red spots and brown spots are still increasing in number but at least not size. I have had just a smidge less crawling on some days. Yesterday almost none til the evening. It took roughly one week of terrible symptoms (with heavier crawling the first 2 days after) after my stupidity with the backslide. Then it was lessened crawling and stinging with redness/infmamation/red rash patched areas by the end of the week. Then it was normal crawling but with hard stinging lingering. Now the last 2 days is intermittent lessened crawling and lots of little random stingings with some redness/no red patch areas. Fibers are still everywhere and on me when I tape myself or do oiling but not as many specks come out. My PH is still really good and stable (thank you lemon water with cayenne recommendation here!) though my body temperature however, has gone down again… =( It was getting sooo high for so many days - even up into high 97, 98 degrees. Now I am back to 95-96 degrees - either that or, my thermometer is broken?! Today it was 95 I am not sure why it's so low again. But I'm not gonna let that throw me. See? I am going to keep on keeping on. See? (spoken in my best mafia gangster voice)

MMS: I maxed out (with no real “herx”) my MMS at 22 weeks around 22 drops as per Mel. I am staying there, although I did take 21 drops last night. I feel my sweetie cannot listen to me take MMS anymore – he now has headphones on but still sits by my bedside at least til I fall asleep. I cannot wait for the full moon to split dose because it is SOO strong tasting/smelling at this many drops. However, I have upped the amount of water I use instead of 8 oz I now use 10 oz. It’s Lemonade, it’s lemonade!

Motivation & Scriptures: This week scripture for me is mostly toward the enemy. My girlfriend was feeling sad and lonely, and felt worthless and like God has forgotten her and I could relate so much being in this state. So I began to talk to her about the Lord. The things I said were amazing so they had to be the Holy Spirit, I know I couldn’t come up with that stuff! LOL. She believes he used me to encourage her. She and I were talking about why would God do this to us?! Why would he not give us answers when we want them?! We blame God for so much! I certainly do and did. So one night (a week after cheat) while having bad stinging and inflammation I was again tempted to blame God and then I thought for the first time in my Christian walk, “WAIT A MINUTE! NO! I am NOT going to blame God, I am going to PRAISE Him instead! I have A CHOICE. What a moment of victory that was!!! Oh my gosh!! It was amazing in retrospect! There I was scrubbing my body in the shower and I had the instrumental playing so I just began singing, writing the song right there in the shower just praising Him - thinking instead ofall I had that He gave me. Hell, even my shower was a gift from Him! I could be homeless right now! I sang, “My God is the Healer, you are NOT the pain dealer. My God is provider, you are NOT a mean, rough divider.” We always hear the verse “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” But when I got M, I tend to think it’s the other way around. When I really think about it, I actually often think/thought of Him as quick to anger, slow in compassion and graciousness and limited or only special people get his love, he is selective with love. That is NOT the truth.

The situation led me to write a song about our mental attacks we have from the enemy and how it’s really a case of mistaken identity. God is not to blame for all our woes with this. He loves us. He is with us THROUGH this. He is NOT the cause. We are blaming the wrong person. Why blame Him? He is the one who loved us most. He allows these things to shape us (make us more like Christ), but hell no! He didn’t give this to us-to me! He doesn’t deserve my mistrust, my accusations, my disgust at this ill body - this body with a soul that really holds access to the Creator of the Universe! It’s not Him. I am being just like the enemy (Satan, the accuser) in those moments. So who then is my enemy? Why wouldn’t I need motivation and scriptures for dealing? Who doesn’t want me to walk in authority, love and peace? Who doesn’t want me to get closer to God and my power source? Who wants me to question and hate God? Who doesn’t want me to be HEALED?!

John 8:44 - You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - Jesus
John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. - Jesus
Job 1:7-9 - The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” Then Satan answered the LORD, "Does Job fear God for nothing?
Job 1:10 - “Have you not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side?” – Satan
Genesis 3:1 - Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”- Satan
John 14:30 - I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me. - Jesus
1 John 5:19 - We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
James 4:7 - “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”

My Strength against this enemy is STRONG.
Isaiah 54:17 - “No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from me,” says the Lord.
Luke 10:19 - “Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”
Psalm 44:5 - “Through You we will push down our enemies; through Your name we will trample those who rise up against us. For I will not trust in my bow, nor shall my sword save me. But You have saved us from our enemies, and have put to shame those who hated us. In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever.”
2 Chronicles 16:9 - “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.”
Psalm 56: 3,11 - “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? … In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
Matthew 10:1 - “And when He had called His twelve disciples to Him, He gave them power over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease.”

Perishing? Nope! HOPE: A friend always quotes the verse “my people perish from lack of knowledge” how awesome that is! It’s true. I finally read the biblical context of it. What I am learning this month is that I am PHYSICALLY able to PERISH from this lack of knowledge above! I have been being “killed” and “destroyed” emotionally as well, NOT JUST attacked SPIRITUALLY. The enemy attacks me much like I am to attack this illness. ON ALL possible FRONTS! Wow.

One way is perishing for eternity and one way is perishing here and then perishing for eternity OR NOT. Right now, today, where I CAN have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY as Jesus said. I choose to KNOW MY ENEMY. I choose the abundance. As we near the day of my birth, many years later, today, at least for today I choose life!

Unlikely place for a witnessing

1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm gwd
Delete 1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm
(2:53:08 pm)gwd:Hi, just came across your rant about people stating they are "sarcastic" as an introduction to their abrasive personality, and couldn't agree with you more.
(2:53:13 pm)Sharizx9:hi
(2:53:17 pm)Sharizx9:thanks
(2:54:36 pm)gwd:whoops, I just finished reading the end
(2:55:01 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(2:55:05 pm)gwd:I guess thanks for cleaning up the language
(2:55:12 pm)Sharizx9:its ok
(2:55:20 pm)Sharizx9:i gave credit where it was due just now though
(2:55:32 pm)Sharizx9:i reposted because i agreed with it too
(2:55:36 pm)Sharizx9:and it needed to be said..
(2:55:50 pm)Sharizx9:i just told the person who wrote it that you also liked it
(2:56:05 pm)gwd:cool thanks
(2:56:09 pm)Sharizx9:np!
(2:56:11 pm)Sharizx9::)
(3:00:04 pm)gwd:I'm Den by the way.
(3:00:24 pm)Sharizx9:Hi Den. I'm calling myself S
(3:00:56 pm)gwd:is that an 'S' or a "five"
(3:01:08 pm)Sharizx9:it is an "S"
(3:01:17 pm)Sharizx9:as in Sam, or the end of Den :P
(3:01:25 pm)gwd:okay S its nice to meet you
(3:01:29 pm)Sharizx9:nice to meet you
(3:04:04 pm)gwd:You're quite the writer. Excuse me for not keeping up on the conversation. I'm just finishing up reading your ad.
(3:04:20 pm)Sharizx9:i am happy to hear you are reading my WHOLE ad.. its rare..
(3:06:15 pm)gwd:You start off easy but then wham! you lay it out there on the message me part.
(3:06:36 pm)gwd:I'll be honest I skipped through the music and food part.
(3:06:45 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. well i dont want just anyone to message me.. i know exactly what im looking for and want..
(3:06:51 pm)Sharizx9:ooh those parts are good
(3:06:57 pm)Sharizx9:food nad music.. good times
(3:07:24 pm)gwd:haha the one time I take the easy way out it comes back to bite me.
(3:07:38 pm)Sharizx9:no way.. im not judging you.. its all good :)
(3:08:32 pm)gwd:I only know about half the people you listed, but I guess that why we have youtube.
(3:08:40 pm)Sharizx9:yeah :)
(3:08:55 pm)gwd:at least you gave me something to do tonight
(3:09:10 pm)Sharizx9:your choice in what you do! :)
(3:09:47 pm)gwd:I'm always will to expand my mind
(3:09:59 pm)Sharizx9:very cool
(3:10:04 pm)gwd:always willing
(3:10:56 pm)Sharizx9:chk the movies out i talked bout too!
(3:11:02 pm)Sharizx9:they are pretty awesome
(3:11:52 pm)gwd:I do like anime. and V for Vendetta is listed on my must watch list.
(3:12:06 pm)gwd:actually it the only movie I have listed
(3:12:12 pm)Sharizx9:yeah totally.. it was so good.. alot of references to our current political environment..
(3:12:18 pm)Sharizx9:lucky they shot it out of the US
(3:13:46 pm)gwd:I agree. I think that is why it struck a chord with me.
(3:14:11 pm)Sharizx9:mhmm me too
(3:16:00 pm)gwd:Why do you have such faith in your God?
(3:16:18 pm)Sharizx9:er, well it has been life changing
(3:16:34 pm)Sharizx9:"my God" has truly changed me and my life
(3:16:41 pm)Sharizx9:and my perceptions on life
(3:16:59 pm)Sharizx9:dont get my wrong I helped
(3:17:10 pm)Sharizx9:but alot of it has been me dragging my feet and later being like ok God.. i get it this time, and then I dont get it. lol
(3:17:11 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:18:09 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have fought tooth and nail with "my God"
(3:18:22 pm)gwd:I'm afraid I don't get it.
(3:18:25 pm)Sharizx9:but then later realized.. dude im a moron, it would have been so much easier to just go with it, to just trust in Him and put Him first..
(3:19:01 pm)Sharizx9:well for one my God doesnt want to harm me.. and everything that happens in life.. is usually for my good
(3:19:15 pm)Sharizx9:even the things that seem uncomfortable at the time or really frustrating to me
(3:19:22 pm)Sharizx9:hA HA I didnt get that one for a LONG time..
(3:19:46 pm)gwd:that which does not kill you right
(3:19:50 pm)Sharizx9:i dragged my feet and would fight and would insult God..lol
(3:20:04 pm)Sharizx9:and God just well loved me through it
(3:20:13 pm)Sharizx9:and opened my eyes to lessons i needed to see and learn
(3:20:33 pm)Sharizx9:i angrily would just stomp around and complain and question etc
(3:20:38 pm)Sharizx9:but then.. in retrospect.. I would see..
(3:20:50 pm)Sharizx9:so thats what i mean by alot of it has been me dragging my feet
(3:21:20 pm)Sharizx9:little by little i am learning.. its a lifelong process with God
(3:21:27 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt give up on me ever
(3:21:30 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:22:05 pm)Sharizx9:for instance I am waay more patient and loving than I was say.. 1 year ago
(3:22:21 pm)Sharizx9:there is a reason for that.. and its God
(3:22:52 pm)Sharizx9:I am much more akin to the needs of others... because of Gods teachings to me
(3:23:27 pm)Sharizx9:idk... i cant explain it really.. you just have to experience God to know.. and to change.. some people get it, and some people get it and push it away out of selfishness and pride.
(3:23:53 pm)gwd:How did you find God? I mean when, how did this spiritual awakiening happen?
(3:24:05 pm)Sharizx9:wow.. how did i find God
(3:24:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats a crazy story!
(3:24:19 pm)Sharizx9:no really.. i dont think you have the time
(3:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:lol or the energy
(3:25:00 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I have my reasons for asking too.
(3:25:06 pm)Sharizx9:well..
(3:25:17 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me..
(3:25:26 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.
(3:26:02 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me. I mean I didnt even know i was looking for something
(3:26:13 pm)gwd:sorry about the repeat.
(3:26:25 pm)Sharizx9:i was just going through my life in the depressing, usual way that people do
(3:26:38 pm)Sharizx9:filled with desires for fame, money, "love" etc
(3:26:57 pm)Sharizx9:and well at some point things had gotten really bad with all of the above and it caused my eyes to be opened to something (I didnt know what it was though!) ..
(3:27:08 pm)Sharizx9:but truly it is when we are in trouble that we look for "God"
(3:27:14 pm)Sharizx9:and I was in a whole lot of trouble!
(3:27:43 pm)Sharizx9:so i gave in .. i had a change of heart and said im gonna try this God
(3:27:53 pm)Sharizx9:Fuck, I dont believe in God.. but what else do I have to lose, I mean really?
(3:28:05 pm)Sharizx9:im at my lowest.. i mean there is nothing/no one else
(3:28:20 pm)Sharizx9:that is when God comes.. because then is when we are ready..lol
(3:28:45 pm)Sharizx9:we are not full of pride and self satisfaction etc.. shunning God.. not "needing God"
(3:29:00 pm)Sharizx9:anyway, i didnt even know it ..
(3:29:12 pm)Sharizx9:but there i was.. losing my pride.. losing my "ego"
(3:29:28 pm)Sharizx9:and then I prayed.. earnest prayer.. crying, thining of my life and what it had become and all the mistakes I had made, saying if you exist .. i mean if you are real
(3:29:40 pm)Sharizx9:then come on! pls help me, i beg you pls help me
(3:29:47 pm)Sharizx9:over and over and over again ..
(3:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:and because God had been there all along
(3:30:14 pm)Sharizx9:I finally "felt" God and He was there.. with me..living breathing and with me! I had no fear, no thoughts of hurt, it was.. well,
(3:30:31 pm)Sharizx9:and then ... I took the next steps
(3:31:05 pm)Sharizx9:the more steps I take, the more God is there and I can feel it and know with certainty
(3:31:36 pm)Sharizx9:BUT when my pride creeps in.. when I am feeling selfish, or tempted or etc..
(3:32:12 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt move away from me, I move away from God.. and because its a truly loving God - I am allowed to do/go as I please.
(3:32:29 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose not to serve.. I am allowed and i get the consequenses of that..
(3:32:44 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose to give in and submit to the will of God.. I am allowed too, but the difference is, he blesses me.
(3:33:10 pm)Sharizx9:does this make any sense?
(3:33:15 pm)Sharizx9:sorry, i dont usually talk to people about this
(3:34:03 pm)gwd:I'm the one that asked.
(3:34:26 pm)Sharizx9:k :)
(3:34:29 pm)gwd:I have my own reasons for wanting to know about god
(3:34:38 pm)Sharizx9:oh.. cool
(3:34:58 pm)Sharizx9:well i would say dont ask me! lol.. im no pro.. i can only tell you what i know and what i personally have learned
(3:35:15 pm)Sharizx9:i say if you want to know about God.. go where God is
(3:35:35 pm)Sharizx9:and most importantly.. say whats up to God.
(3:35:52 pm)Sharizx9:actually talk and be real with God.
(3:36:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats the start i think.. actually being able to start a conversation.. beginning building that relationship - like any relationship
(3:36:13 pm)Sharizx9:im trying to do that too
(3:36:53 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:38:21 pm)gwd:I don't want to listen to some expert
(3:38:55 pm)gwd:I actually want to know about real people
(3:39:05 pm)Sharizx9:well im as real as it gets i guess!
(3:39:11 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have such a crazy background
(3:39:13 pm)gwd:real experiences
(3:39:23 pm)Sharizx9:you wouldnt think someone like me would even believe in God
(3:39:28 pm)Sharizx9:but it happened..
(3:39:37 pm)Sharizx9:and it will keep happening..to others..
(3:39:44 pm)Sharizx9:its destined actually
(3:40:00 pm)gwd:I believe in God I just don't have faith in him.
(3:40:08 pm)Sharizx9:you know what? neither did i..
(3:40:19 pm)Sharizx9:that is the harder step..
(3:40:29 pm)Sharizx9:knowing God is there but then not taking the faith and actions leap
(3:40:41 pm)gwd:what about bad things happening to good people?
(3:41:37 pm)gwd:sorry i'm not trying to get into a discussion with you.
(3:42:06 pm)Sharizx9:you know what if you dont want to talk to me its ok.. but if you do want to talk to me.. just tell me you do, ok?
(3:42:37 pm)gwd:no I want to talk to you. I just don't want to seem like I came to argue with you about god
(3:42:50 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. no worries i dont believe in arguing about God
(3:43:01 pm)gwd:good me either
(3:43:04 pm)Sharizx9:i just say it like it is ..fro mwhat i know..
(3:43:12 pm)Sharizx9:you dont have to believe or agree :)
(3:43:17 pm)Sharizx9:i wont judge you
(3:43:28 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said dont judge.. so i try not to now
(3:43:32 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:43:52 pm)Sharizx9:he didnt say dont judge certain people who believe what you believe
(3:44:04 pm)Sharizx9:he said dont judge at all, lest you be judged with the same severity..
(3:44:13 pm)Sharizx9:that means all people.. in all fairness.
(3:45:33 pm)gwd:I know what you're saying
(3:45:41 pm)Sharizx9:so its cool.. lets talk if you want.. if you want to go, go.
(3:45:47 pm)Sharizx9:what would you like to know about me and God?
(3:47:21 pm)gwd:Awesome, if you don't mind I'm going to ask for your opinion on this next question.
(3:47:33 pm)Sharizx9:ok
(3:47:52 pm)gwd:What would you do if you found out that you had say ten years to live
(3:48:09 pm)Sharizx9:truthfully?
(3:48:15 pm)gwd:yes
(3:48:43 pm)Sharizx9:i would give it up to God, pray about it, determined what I wanted to do with that 10 years and make every freaking day count until then.
(3:49:50 pm)gwd:you wouldn't be mad at him for giving you only ten years?
(3:49:50 pm)Sharizx9:for me, with what I know about Jesus..there will be a way..either way His will will be done, so why fight it? that is where i am now with it, i didnt used to be but now after all thats happened, I am trying to submit to God more and more..
(3:49:57 pm)Sharizx9:yes i would
(3:50:06 pm)Sharizx9:my body, my relevant mind would be raving mad
(3:50:12 pm)Sharizx9:but... and this is the big but
(3:50:36 pm)Sharizx9:I choose His will over mine.. until I got to this place, I was ALWAYS mad
(3:50:50 pm)Sharizx9:and so things kept happening to me in life..situations to teach me patience, situations to teach me to surrender, situations to give me humility etc etc
(3:51:19 pm)Sharizx9:they made me so mad at the time.. I would be so freaking confused and feel so bad about myself..
(3:51:51 pm)Sharizx9:but over time.. little by little.. he has pushed (and allowed through life experiences and even the devils temptations) me in the direction I need to be
(3:52:20 pm)Sharizx9:man, we can either fight Him all the way there.. or we can give in and be happy about it and just go and get blessed in the process..
(3:52:24 pm)Sharizx9:either way.. we are goin..
(3:52:32 pm)Sharizx9:either way the end comes.
(3:52:55 pm)Sharizx9:im gonna cry
(3:53:12 pm)Sharizx9:this is a blessing..
(3:53:13 pm)gwd:don't cry
(3:53:24 pm)Sharizx9:in telling you this, He has just made me realize something I been asking about for a long time - about relationships, about where to be, about what to do..
(3:53:51 pm)Sharizx9:no its ok to cry..
(3:54:00 pm)Sharizx9:please never tell someone not to cry..
(3:54:04 pm)Sharizx9:you know why?
(3:54:14 pm)gwd:no i don't know why
(3:54:24 pm)Sharizx9:when you tell a child not to cry
(3:54:38 pm)Sharizx9:youare in essence asking them not to feel what they are feeling
(3:54:51 pm)gwd:I see
(3:54:57 pm)Sharizx9:you are leting them know that their feelings are not acceptable..
(3:55:08 pm)Sharizx9:and children who are not allowed to cry
(3:55:15 pm)Sharizx9:become adults that stifle their emotions or try to use things to stifle emotions
(3:55:21 pm)gwd:That is very mind blowing... but good to know.
(3:55:31 pm)Sharizx9:adults that cannot attune to their own pain
(3:55:43 pm)Sharizx9:and adults that cannot feel, cannot feel for others
(3:55:59pm)Sharizx9:then they become hate filled and the only emotion/things they can access is anger and self degradation
(3:56:28 pm)Sharizx9:it is ok for me to cry when something bad happens and I am sad about it
(3:56:38 pm)Sharizx9:and this may blow your mind, but its ok for you to cry too
(3:56:50 pm)gwd:okay, then why are you crying?
(3:56:56 pm)Sharizx9:it took me 30 years to learn that
(3:57:10 pm)Sharizx9:30 years to learn that it is ok to cry
(3:57:18 pm)Sharizx9:and you know who taught me?
(3:57:27 pm)Sharizx9:God.. by his example in the bible..
(3:57:53 pm)Sharizx9:im crying in this instance because i am happy..
(3:57:57 pm)Sharizx9:crying can be both you know!
(3:58:27 pm)gwd:What did you just figure out?
(3:58:58 pm)Sharizx9:well ive been wondering what the deal is with God now that I let go of my need for a car here and to have everything be cushy in CA
(3:59:13 pm)Sharizx9:and the truth is.. it doesnt have to be.. im going where im going regardless..
(3:59:28 pm)Sharizx9:either i enjoy the journey or I fight him again for another 6 months..
(3:59:52 pm)Sharizx9:and why would i fight him? because inevitably he has always given me exactly what I need and taken me where I need to be
(4:00:00 pm)Sharizx9:and I am ALWAYS happier in the end..
(4:00:18 pm)Sharizx9:so i am crying because this time i am gonna just give in ..
(4:00:25 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to take my own advice to you
(4:00:28 pm)Sharizx9::)
(4:01:11 pm)gwd:sweet, glad I can help... kidding. I glad I got to witness you find some peace of mind.
(4:01:47 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(4:02:11 pm)Sharizx9:yeah .. it's moments like this. that make me glad I have God.
(4:02:59 pm)Sharizx9:a lot of people have no one.. or believe only in luck and in other humans or "things" to bring them happiness..
(4:03:28 pm)Sharizx9:what about you? what were your reasons you said u wanted to know about God?
(4:03:57 pm)Sharizx9:something about bad things happening to good people..
(4:04:18 pm)gwd:and ten years to live
(4:04:24 pm)Sharizx9:yes
(4:04:39 pm)gwd:you're a smart girl just peice it together
(4:05:06 pm)Sharizx9:i cant piece together your thoughts..lol didnt you read my ad? i dont read minds and dont ever want to :)
(4:05:50 pm)gwd:Oh, okay. Here goes...

(4:06:34 pm)gwd:I have a bad heart. Books will tell you I have 5 years to live. My doctors say anywhere from 10 to 15.
(4:06:56 pm)Sharizx9:ok and why do you say good people? do you think you are a good person?
(4:07:47 pm)gwd:I don't know any more. I used to think I was.
(4:08:02 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to say something that may upset you or make you mad
(4:08:24 pm)Sharizx9:and if it does.. i understand.. but know that it is your choice to get mad or to ask me what I mean, ok?
(4:08:26 pm)gwd:but then it gets into a whole discussion about karma or fate/destiny
(4:08:47 pm)gwd:go ahead I don't get mad
(4:09:07 pm)Sharizx9:you are not a good person. there are no "good" people.
(4:09:42 pm)Sharizx9:if you believe in God. whether you have faith or not, he gives a standard that cannot be denied in the bible of what constitutes a "good person"
(4:10:04 pm)gwd:the ten commandments?
(4:10:11 pm)Sharizx9:er, in any book of any "God" Torah, Koran, etc., commandments. you can only try to be a good person. you are not already inherently good, because you have bad thoughts
(4:10:30 pm)Sharizx9:and there is negativity in you ..as well as behaviors/choices that are not "good"
(4:10:36 pm)gwd:Okay I see that
(4:10:49 pm)Sharizx9:mind you im not just talking about you, im talking about you as a human
(4:11:07 pm)Sharizx9:pls i dont want you to think i am judging you as a person.. im not.
(4:11:11 pm)gwd:No I understand where you are coming from
(4:11:38 pm)gwd:Please, go on.
(4:11:46 pm)Sharizx9:so by the bible standards.. if you have broken one commandment you are not a good person.. nor would you.. ever go to heaven.. as it were.. unless you repent and stayed clear of sinning.
(4:12:04 pm)Sharizx9:by human standards you may not be as good as you think, either..
(4:13:09 pm)Sharizx9:but here is the real ticker.. God doesnt care about that. God still gives you a chance to try. Humans don't. God still shows you what you need to do and is very explicit. Humans are not. and at the end of the day.. God blesses the wicked AND those who try to be good.
(4:14:10 pm)Sharizx9:God cares more about saving the lost, than he does about the righteous. Jesus didnt die for those who are righteous. Jesus died for YOU. those who are imperfect, those who have anger, those who watch porn, those who steal, etc
(4:14:56 pm)Sharizx9:so talking about bad things happening to good people, you know good things also happen to bad people, and vice versa.
(4:15:09 pm)Sharizx9:the sun shines on all of us, he says. "I make the sun shine on all, I bless all and love all." im not pulling this out of my ass, its in the Bible.
(4:15:23 pm)Sharizx9:he says also why worry about tomorrow? what will we wear, what will we eat, where will we go" etc
(4:15:50 pm)Sharizx9:God alone is hanging the entire world on a string and makes the sun shine on the plants and the air for the birds to fly in. You choose Him and to do right, He blesses you. You are also free to choose to continue in sin reap from that too til the end comes.
(4:16:21 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said, ignorant Man, do you not know you are more important to God than they? You who are so faithless, how long will I be with you?
(4:17:46 pm)Sharizx9:Dude, Jesus was very intelligent, almost every question I have had has been answered by him in human form.. in the bible..
(4:18:30 pm)Sharizx9:those commandments are damn hard to stick to!
(4:18:37 pm)Sharizx9:i know, because i have tried.. and still try..
(4:18:40 pm)Sharizx9:but...
(4:19:06 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus died so that I dont have to.. well I want to, but Jesus died so that its ok that I mess up.
(4:20:14 pm)gwd:I know about the bible I went to catholic school for 12 years
(4:20:57 pm)gwd:Like I said I believe there is a God... it's just my faith in him has been a little shaken.
(4:21:24 pm)Sharizx9:knowing about the bible from catholic school and opening it up now are 2 very different things
(4:21:28 pm)gwd:But you have help me to open my eyes to a few things that I need to seriously think about
(4:21:40 pm)Sharizx9:if it were me, I would open it now and see what you learn
(4:21:49 pm)Sharizx9:the truth is everytime i open it i learn something new
(4:21:55 pm)Sharizx9:something relevant
(4:22:25 pm)gwd:I couldn't agree more about the bible I knew about then and the bible I would learn from today
(4:22:50 pm)Sharizx9:its not me, its God, who loves you reaching out to you..through me. trust it and go with it.
(4:22:59 pm)Sharizx9:Catholic school we were forced to learn it
(4:23:13 pm)Sharizx9:but not really consider it, looking at the messages and how to apply them to our lives or even given love to learn it from.
(4:23:33 pm)Sharizx9:the bible is what good to you if you dont apply it? what good is any knowledge with out practice and application?
(4:23:45 pm)Sharizx9:thats what Paul taught me. Ephesians..
(4:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:im telling you i did not know any of this before i started reading that feakin book.. to me, it truly is the manual for humans..
(4:24:28 pm)Sharizx9:as a creation why would I ignore my own manual from my inventor? lol the book is really old man, AND STILL AROUND, it has to be right in some respect..
(4:25:10 pm)Sharizx9:I say get to know Jesus..
(4:25:16 pm)Sharizx9:then go backward..
(4:25:19 pm)Sharizx9:then forward..
(4:25:41 pm)Sharizx9:i started with Matthew.. and really be open to what you are reading.. put yourself there.. in that time etc
(4:25:51 pm)gwd:You are a way rad chick and I'm glad God lead me to you. You have given me much to chew on tonight. Plus I still have to listen to your music list.
(4:26:34 pm)Sharizx9:put on the gladiator clothes...walk with the lepers etc..chill with Noah watching everyone die and why in that Ark, be there about to kill your only Son and think of Gods personality and knowledge. you know?. go there, like in your mind.. and be open to the messages/the points Jesus makes before dying for you - you will find they are just as relevant today
(4:27:17 pm)Sharizx9:thats what happened to me man.. thats my story.. it will open up to you.. if you let it
(4:29:55 pm)gwd:This has been a really interesting experience. I'm just sitting here taking it all in. I would love to chat some more but for now I have a little bit of pondering to do.
(4:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:ok np
(4:30:22 pm)gwd:what is np
(4:31:58 pm)Sharizx9:Nice to meet you Den..dont give up on God, God obviously hasnt given up on you cause we talked. Thats what the Devil wants you to do. to second guess yourself, to feel angry, to feel bad about yourself, to blame others, to get lost in your addictions, to feel pressured etc..anything to keep you from the truth - anything to keep you from God.
(4:32:04 pm)Sharizx9:np = no problem :)
(4:34:16 pm)gwd:It was a real pleasure to meet you S. I'm sure this won't be the last time I talk to you. Take care and have a good night.
(4:34:41 pm)Sharizx9:instead of thinking you have 5 less years...think that you have 5 more years. 5 more years..look at it from the positive perspective shift..you too Den. Good night man.
(4:36:50 pm)gwd:I refuse to look at it either way cause they aren't taking me with out a fight.
(4:37:45 pm)gwd:Thanks for everything.
(4:38:29 pm)Sharizx9:np :)

The Bible and I have the same mate in mind

A Repost  4-8-2009

Learning About the Proverbs Man 

I was totally shocked when I read the Bible last night after like 10 years. The man I want now, the qualities I want, and now find attractive is actually stated in the Bible. It's crazy!

The men I used to choose were also in there! Here are some examples from the book of Proverbs:

• Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way; and he who hates correction will die.
• He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, be he who is impulsive exalts foolishness and folly.
• A false witness shall not go unpunished and he who speaks lies shall perish.
• Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, who ever spreads slander is a fool.
• Like a madman who throws arrows, firebrands and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor and then says "I was just joking" (yeah, thats actually in the Bible, lol)
• A proud and haughty man - "Scoffer" is his name - he acts only with arrogant pride.
• He who loves pleasure will be a poor man, he who loves wine and oil will not be rich.
• Do not mix with winebibbers, or gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags.
• Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble.
• He who loves transgression seeks strife, he who exalts his gate seeks destruction.
• Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.
• Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?"

Those have been the qualities of the men I chose. "Lovers of themselves" They are sinners and wicked in God's eyes because they walk away from repentance and do not choose God's way - choosing the ways of sin "they seek death". He describes exactly his feelings about all these things/these types of men, in verse after verse, chapter after chapter.

Here are the male types however, that I have been seeking newly in my heart. The Bible actually describes them just as clearly so I may know the difference. He will be someone who will be/have:

• "by humility and fear of the Lord" (in actions, not words)
  
• "he who has a generous eye"
  
• "he who is in wisdom and understanding"
• "he who excels in his work"
• "he who does not mistreat his father or chase away his mother"
• "he who does not utter a false witness"
  
• "he who owns discretion and is slow to anger, slow to wrath"
• What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. (in actions, not words)
• "he who keeps the commandments" (in actions, not words)
• Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.
• He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and who rules his spirit that he who can take a city.

There it is. In black and white and laid out pretty damn clearly since, oh I don't know, a really long time. Totally blew my mind when I read it.

2 But I had almost stopped believing; I had almost lost my faith
3 because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well.
4 They are not suffering; they are healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like the rest of us; they don’t have problems like other people.
6 They wear pride like a necklace and put on violence as their clothing.
7 They are looking for profits and do not control their selfish desires.
8 They make fun of others and speak evil; proudly they speak of hurting others.
9 They brag to the sky. They say that they own the earth.
10 So their people turn to them and give them whatever they want.
11 They say, “How can God know?
12 These people are wicked, always at ease, and getting richer.
13 So why have I kept my heart pure? Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
14 I have suffered all day long; I have been punished every morning.
15 God, if I had decided to talk like this, I would have let your people down.Psalms 73:2-15

1 Don’t be upset because of evil people. Don’t be jealous of those who do wrong,
2 because like the grass, they will soon dry up. Like green plants, they will soon die away.
3 Trust the Lord and do good. Live in the land and feed on truth.Psalms 37:1-3

Because the imperfection of the earthly justice system and the assumption that the principles instituted by God is slow to react, men think they can continue with their ways unhampered. Influencing as many as they can. But the answer to the assumed passiveness of the Creator is explained also!

He has been very kind and patient, waiting for you to change, but you think nothing of his kindness. Perhaps you do not understand that God is kind to you so you will change your hearts and lives. Romans 2:4

Eventually, people will receive the appropriate wages for the decisions and actions they made. This could be the reason why we are advised to embrace “wisdom” .

20 Wisdom is like a woman shouting in the street; she raises her voice in the city squares.
21 She cries out in the noisy street and shouts at the city gates:
23 If only you had listened when I corrected you, I would have told you what’s in my heart; I would have told you what I am thinking.
24 I called, but you refused to listen; I held out my hand, but you paid no attention.
25 You did not follow my advice and did not listen when I corrected you.
31 So you will get what you deserve; you will get what you planned for others.
32 Fools will die because they refuse to listen; they will be destroyed because they do not care.
33 But those who listen to me will live in safety and be at peace, without fear of injury.” Proverbs 1:20-25, 31-33

I'm going to have another great day.