1. Do the following activities to calm/comfort myself: MEDITATE, TAKE PILLS TO SLEEP, WRITE IN BLOG.

2. Remind myself of my reasons for living: I CANNOT ACTUALLY AFFORD TO KILL MYSELF. IM AN ADULT AND I STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK A JOB, PAY BILLS AND LIVE A LIFE I HATE. I STILL HAVE TO DO THINGS I DONT WANT TO DO.
3. Call a friend or family member: NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS
Name: Phone:
4. Call a backup person if person above is not available: NONE
Name: Phone:
5. 5. Call a care provider (psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist): THE THOUGHT DISGUSTS ME
Name: Phone:
6. 6. Call my local crisis line:
Phone:
7. 7. Go somewhere I am safe: I AM NOT SAFE INSIDE MY HEAD
8. 8. Go to the Emergency Room at the nearest hospital. TOO EXPENSIVE!!!FUCK OFF!

If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, start at Step 1. Go through each step until you are safe. Remember: Suicidal thoughts can be very strong. It may seem they will last forever. With support and time, these thoughts will usually pass. When they pass,
you can put energy into sorting out problems that have contributed to you feeling so badly. The hopelessness you may feel now will not last forever. It is important to reach out for help and support. You can get through this difficult time. Since it can be hard
to focus and think clearly when you feel suicidal, please copy this and put in places where you can easily use it, such as your purse, wallet or by the phone.

10. If I feel that I can’t get to the hospital safely, I will call 911 and request transportation to the hospital. They will send someone to transport me safely.
I PROBABLY WONT DO THIS.


Ways To Help Yourself When You're Feeling Suicidal

WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL?  -- WHAT A JOKE!

Tell someone who can help. Tell your therapist, a friend, a family member, or someone else who can help.

Distance yourself from any means of suicide. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, get rid of any pills or give your medications to someone who can dispense them to you one dose at a time. Temporarily remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home. I KNOW IT IS "WRONG" BUT I PRACTICED STABBING MYSELF THIS MORNING, AND IT DID NOT FEEL TOO BAD.

Avoid alcohol or any other drugs not prescribed for you.

Don't try to do things you're likely to fail at or find difficult until you're feeling better. Know what your limits are and don't try to go beyond them until you feel better. Set realistic goals for yourself and work at them slowly, a step at a time.

Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it no matter what. Set priorities for the things that need to be done first. Cross things out on your schedule as you accomplish them. A written schedule gives you a sense of predictability and control. Crossing out tasks as you complete them gives a feeling of accomplishment. And while you're at it, don't forget to schedule enjoyable activities, like some of the following: ..WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL NOTHING IS "ENJOYABLE" FUCK TARDS

•listening to music or playing a musical instrument
•meditating
•doing relaxation exercises
•doing needlework
•reading a book or magazine
•taking a warm bath
•sewing
•writing
•shopping
•playing games
•watching a movie or TV
•gardening
•playing with your pet
•enjoying a hobby
•taking a drive or a walk
•Attend to your physical health.
•Eat a well-balanced diet. Don't skip meals.
•Get as much sleep as you need, and exercise regularly.
•Talk to other people.

Whether you talk about your feelings or about any other topic, it's likely to be helpful.

Remember that this is not a permanent condition. THIS IS TRUE. NOTHING IS PERMANENT. FRIENDS, DESIRES, RELATIONSHIPS...LIFE. NOTHING IS PERMANENT.

How to make Female friends?

Making friends as adults can be hard, since you may feel like everyone is too busy or people already have their sets of pals. When I moved to New York after college, I felt the exact same way. I'd walk by groups of female friends at restaurants and really wish I could join them. I felt really lonely.

Just Ask 'Em.
But then I realized: People really want to hang out. Even if they're busy, almost everyone LOVES being invited to dinners, movies, parties, whatever. (Don't you? We all do!) So they'll probably be very happy that you asked. If there is a girl you like, even if you feel nervous, just ask her to hang out. Say that you're going to see Rachel Getting Married on Sunday and ask if she wants to come along. (Picking an actual event and day is much easier than saying "we should hang out sometime" and then having it never happen.) Chances are that she will say yes--or, if she's busy, she'll suggest something later on. (Brunches are always a fun, casual activity to suggest, too. Who doesn't love pancakes?) But seriously, just do it! You'll be so glad later.

A tip for Daynya: If you feel weird about "hitting on" your yoga classmates, instead of asking them for a movie or dinner, ask them if they want to try yoga with you at a different studio, or if they want to join you for a walk in a park to stretch your legs, or if they want to go shopping for yoga gear. That way, it will seem like less of a departure from what you already do together. (Not that it would matter either way, but it might make you feel more comfortable.)

Choose Recurring Activities (Think: Project Runway).
Seeing people for a recurring activity is a great way to establish a real friendship (versus going on "dinner dates," where you just catch up on your lives, you know?) I've found that the BEST way to make new friends is to set up an event where you see them every week. The easiest way? TV! You can invite a few people over for Project Runway every week, or Top Chef, or whatever show you like. I've been watching Project Runway with the same people for the last three seasons and now we're fast friends (we barely knew each other at the beginning). By watching a TV show together, you see each other regularly, will have something entertaining to do together and will get to know each other better and better. Plus, you can chat more during reality shows (versus dramas) and place bets on who will win.

Take a Class (Especially Knitting).
Say you don't really meet any women day to day. Then sign up for a recurring class or a group. It may sound cheesy, but I've done this before and it really works: You can sign up for a series of cooking classes, a runner's group, a volunteering club or a swing dancing course. Knitting classes can be especially great since they're usually mostly women and have a very communal vibe. Classes are everywhere! Lots of them aren't too expensive. Then you will a) have something in common with these women, b) be in a fun group atmosphere, c) see them regularly for as long as the classes continue and d) be around people who are getting out there and probably want to make friends, too.

And, please, give us your thoughts and ideas, too, my dears! How have you made female friends in the past? Do you wish you had more? Let us know what you think! xo

P.S. I would love to be friends with you all.

I will let ya know if the below works!

FUCKING HATE SURPRISE BIRTHDAYS!!

do not invite me! people do not throw these things for me, so why the fuck would i go to celebrate all these other peoples surprise birthdays~!? everyone and their mother has someone throwing them a surprise birthday every other month. eff you.

furthermore, when will i ever meet one person who wants to be friends with me that will want to throw ME a surprise birthday? that is my goal for this year.

After yet another birthday mostly alone, I'm changing friends, and changing my life for the better (more social), this is one area that seriously needs improvement on my part.

exactly what kind of friends have i made for myself? i want selfless, kind and super thoughtful friends, that is my goal. to have them, I must be one. i will find them!

Im grossed out by my own stuff

so frustrated about the music that i am trying to make. poor bf has no idea what this process or is or how it is supposed to sound and thinks that this SHIT sounds good.

it is so frustrating to me that I am even in this position in my life where i have to beg someone to record me. who knew who knew?!

Praise God at least for the opportunity that i still have a place to record but if it going to sound this bad, i dont have to effing listen to it.

Sprint Text Message Scam (615)528-4440..

Sprint Scam do not call (615)528-4440..

This is a scam. When the text came in instead of calling the # I called Sprint.. then I had Sprint call the number on conference..Sprint confirmed and said they do not send such text messages to clients-that this is scam. Do not call.. this is a scam!! Love you!


Read more: http://www.myspace.com/Sharivenus/blog?bID=539534119#ixzz10xHkQHef

Phony niggaz are outlined in chalk

The fire has been kindled/rekindled. I am ready to blaze. I am ready to go and already know my way through the maze. I am gonna make it happen! I want to write again! Yay! :D

This time, I want to do it on my own with minimal writing help. A great mixer though for sure. :D

Its gonna be glorious!

Tonight W/ Evolve

Lord Lord I would like to humbly pray that you fill me with your love and happiness. I am feeling sad and lacking though I know this is a machination of the evil one to bring me down. I ask that you give me a heart of forgiveness and love me as only you can do and have time and again. Lord deliver me from this sadness and please gently restore me to my equilibrium. I am going to dance tonight and hopefully as always give you the glory in every movement every thought and every action. I will be wordless. I will be silent and in reverence to you instead of spewing words of anger, dissatisfaction of or contempt.

I know you have my best dreams and future in your hands and I gracefully give up my attempt at control to you. You are so good God! I only want to be in your arms. I only want to bring you joy. If there is some lesson to be learned I ask it speedily. I only want to please you. Have I made you smile today? I would like to ask that you please please bring those to me in my life who love you and put you first. Please allow me to meet someone wonderful with whom I can speak of you and your greatness endlessly and work as a soldier for your will. Hand in hand arm in arm in pure love.

Lord remove this jealousy from my heart right now as it is not useful, not kind and a waste of time and my precious moments. Give me a song to sing a lifting of my heart and caress me gently as only you can and do. I am raw, Lord. I am open. I am vulnerable. I need you. I need only you. Come to me Lord I await you.

In your holy name I pray and give thanks…

I give thanks for having my ability to walk today and upright with no pain and new strength. I give thanks for legs to dance with and a voice to sing. I give thanks for such great intelligence that all things are possible and those that are not can be learned. I give thanks for my wonderful home and family. I give thanks for you being in my life and guiding my every step though at times I am completely foolish and unaware. I give thanks for having music in my life which may bring me a joy I have been missing and a song in my heart to sing and write FOR YOUR GLORY.

I give thanks for being able to complete everything I start and having the money to come and go as I please. As I help others Lord , keep me humble and with your path as the only one in my sights. I will choose against the new and shiny things at every which turn…

Today Update

Boy crushes finally forgotten > Mike C, Chris and Justin. All Leo's. I am done with them. :D

Working on playing guitar, making beats and still re-learning German. I am feeling really good about my test score for Exam 2(MidTerm) I got a A. :D

Rock on! I am in focus, on point, and back on track baby. Tonight I will be spending my time in prayer, practicing guitar and finishing up my Ch 8 for Accounting reading and Ch 6 for Algebra.

Good night. Great night actually. Write soon. I still need to update my prayers I been writing for the last 2 months on here. Its so amazing to see the many answers I get from God. Amen!! He is sooo good!

Friens, we dont need no stinkin friens :P

So I am feeling a little introspective today. I think people in CA are fucking flakes and they are all making me sick to my stomach today. :) I miss my sister.

In other news, wow, what a great day to study up on my Acctng and play guitar for practice tomorrows class. I think I might watch Howl's Moving Castle again later on or get something else I want to see or share some music with Seann and maybe even write some.

I am going to get the set for the YYY's and Metric as well as Paramore. I want to be inspired when I do zee muzeek again. I will secretly spit in the face of those who did not care I was alive.. spit with my happiness and love!! :)

Quotes from Today to live by

Never hold on to those who no longer want and deserve to be held on to.
AND
When life or love kicks your ass, just remember... you're still breathing.
AND
"there are two things in life that you can never get back: 1. your life. and 2. my trust"

Things I keep doing wrong on a date

I have to stop these things, they ruin what could be cool "getting to know someone" times. I am being "too available". If they call a second time, I will turn them down and say I am "busy".

1) having such a good time I end up sleeping over their house, why do I do this? Though there is no sex, I don't think this is wise to keep on doing just cuz i dont like to sleep alone. :(
2) spending too much time with the person upon first meetings.
3) not being able to wait patiently or shift focus from them for contact initiation from them afterward.
4) having too many expectations on me and them..

Cold Nights

It is so cold tonight! On cold nights like this I just want to cuddle. There is no one around to do so with. Justin is already gone. M never materialized again to even become a friend and everyone else I am just not attracted to like that. In other news, even my long distance relationship (Johannes) has left me.

I hate attraction.

so much!

is going on..will write soon!

Job, No Job, Job, No Job 2

So yes, my previous job is gone. I had come in late the day after I spent with M. The mgmt was very hard on me since that time. I too had growing feelings of dissatisfaction. Then I had made things somewhat worse as my depression deepened into complete disgust for my job. No more smiley me, talking to everyone, helping everyone out, and they took notice, fast. They said start smiling at us again or else! I guess for better or worse, I chose else.. I am VERY, I repeat VERY, blessed to have the poppa large cushion I have created for myself and I never forget it.

The change was noticeable after I left. Apparently, anyone who has seen me since is like, "wow you seem so much happier!" LOL. My teachers are actually glad I no longer am working there as are the people I know who still work there.

This could be because my sister is coming, it could be because I want to try to get in touch with my creative side once more and possibly make more money so I don't have to work..again and pay for another 2 years of college (I can will a studio and engineer into existence pronto?!) it could be because I now have time to do what I love which is study to get to..well, I don't know where I am going, but I do want to study to get there. This relief is probably due to a # of things, I also got my gym membership, and a trainer, (so no more p90 plataeu).

I am keeping myself busy doing things I am into while lookin for a new "gig". By now I'm sure you know what they are -- God (lol, "into" God), video games, music, art, learning/seeing/trying new things, movies, computers, women's causes, traveling, fixing things, and studying. I was also really into the feeling of falling in love and meeting people, but those can wait.

So now lets review what I WANT IN LIFE

:) In all areas of our lives we want things. It is time to focus on what I do want than what I don't. :) More on this to come.