Well, its 2pm

What am I doing with myself today? Well, one I can't really walk a lot or sit, so two, not very much. It is giving me time to think about my mistake in rejoining this relationship last year.

It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse. Three is his lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal and refusal to accept responsibility and pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.

And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok , three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust (which is why I did not leave when demanded to). Four is my negative thoughts that constantly plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.

The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by anothers' hand should I allow this to continue.

I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris.

0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed on his own, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/ high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, and sending me emails or showing he cares.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me.
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" and have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections or weird breakouts!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything ---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different".
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.