Day 45

60 day notebook entry.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

• I am still remembering him.
• I want to see him today.
• I want to know what he is doing.
  

60 days is not going to be THAT hard because:

• I have God
• I am still focusing on myself and my changes
  
• I know he has not changed.
  
• I was already able to not call him/speak to him for 43 days, I can continue
• He is not calling me
  
• I can remember how he cheated, lied to and abused me.
• I keep thinking of the saying "eventually he will stop answering or meet someone else."
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

• really work on living life alone at such a late time in my life?
  
• decide to go back to school at this time?
  

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• In times of rest, the shower, or listening to certain music, holidays.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• remember why I left him
• remember he does not want to hear from me
• remember that he continues to do drugs/lie
  
• pray and meditate -read my bible
• watch a movie (Lars and the real girl)
  
• play keyboards
  
• cook a great meal
  
• go to a meeting
  
• apply for work
• walk on t'mill
  
• plan my trip to DR
  
• do something really fun on the beach!
  

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
• the book of Job to remind me IT COULD BE WORSE! :)
  
• my love for myself and intolerance of abuse
  
• my will to change and take ownership of my life
  
• Shawn McDonald songs to remind me of where I have been and where I'm goin
  
• Karin
  
• my strength
• my self esteem
• my sense of humor
• Meetings
• daily blessings
  

LIFE PURPOSE EXERCISES- 40 Days
Day 29 - What is holding me back from accepting God's call to serve Him?
Well, I feel I do not know how he wants me to serve him or what my S.H.A.P.E is yet or how to go about doing it/and where?

EATING/EXERCISE TO PREPARE FOR EVER LASTING LIFE- 30 days
Day 19 - skipped meal 1 - varied fruits and veggies (yesterday had peppers/squash and day before whole mushrooms, whoa wha bitches!?) new uptake on iron/calcium 18mg. 5/15 found out I was anemic. Still on low salt, low sugar (under 20 grams) going on Day 11!

Stretched in the morning, walked in the afternoon, washed the car manually, will work out on t'mill tonight, pray/meditate, eat a healthy dinner and rest early tonight.

Focus areas Day 19 - Abs, Inner thighs, Shoulders.

Day 31

In the delivery of my things from our past and Chris's room (I got my fave shirt back!), there was the camera and charger his mom got us and an iphone holder. I wonder why on earth those were in the mix? I'm in a quandary because I want to return them, but I also am not talking to him for 60 days so I can't ask or inquire.

Dude, why do I still check Chris's email? Not as much as before, but still! It only serves to make me depressed, happy or confused. This is why he needs to change his password. I need to resist this temptation. I saw an invite to him from Rosen for Rick's memorial. Eek. I feel there is no way Chris can go to that and not get high. All his pot smoking friends will be there. I have no idea about Rick or how he died or where or what is going on in Chris's life at all. It's probably better that I don't know.

In other news, I am going to sing tonight at Pancho's - yep, "Dont Know Why-Norah Jones" since I did not get to go to Backstage to sing it the other night and stayed home instead reading the Bible. I'm about to meditate right now, and then ice/stretch and make some dinner before working out on the bike.

Here is what I learned in the last 2 days..

1) we are transformed by trouble
Our most profound experiences with God happen when we are at our lowest points "our darkest days".

They bring us closer to him and to building our character through relations with him. "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got."

We are like jewels shaped with the hammer and chisel of adversity. If the jewelers hammer isn't strong enough to chip off our rough edges, God will use a sledgehammer. If that isn't sharp enough to shape us, he will use a jackhammer. Every problem is a character building opportunity. We can learn through what Jesus did when he was in pain and suffering, right?

• Remember that God is good.
• Rejoice and give thanks.
• Refuse to give up.

2) growing through temptation

Every temptation is an opportunity to do good. To do the right thing. Fruit of the Spirit is matured through temptation and opportunities for success/failure. Fruit matures and ripens slowly. God wants us to have the qualities of Jesus. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

A theory could be that God teaches us love by putting unlovely people in our paths. God teaches us real joy in the midst of sorrow. God teaches us real peace by not making things go as planned, or allowing times of chaos and confusion. We learn to trust in God in those times, when we are tempted to be afraid or worried. Likewise patience is taught by being forced to wait, or temptations to anger or have a short fuse. God causes the opposite situation of each fruit to allow us a choice. We cannot claim to be good if we have never been bad. Or faithful if we have never had the opportunity to be unfaithful. Integrity is built by defeating temptation. humility grows when we refuse to be prideful. Character development always involves choice, and temptation provides this opportunity.

Temptation by the Devil usually works in always the same strategy. It helps to know your weaknesses so you may avoid some temptations that you consistently give in to.

• Refuse to be intimidated. (know you will be tempted and recognize it)
• Recognize your pattern/vulnerability. (when are you most tempted? time of day? where are you tempted? with whom?)
• Request God's help. (he is open 24/7) He said "call on me in times of trouble. I will rescue you and you will honor me"