My fiancee is leaving me to go to a funeral in NY. Why do I feel as though he will never come back? Because I have abandonment issues. Because I realized I have an issue of un-forgiveness with men. This sometimes permeates my new healthy relationship in ways I am only now beginning to see. I am about to get married. We are both sick. This illness is bringing up all new things for me. I am learning about myself, my fiancee, and how messed up life can be and how good in all this God still is. I hate this situation so much right now, though slowly but surely I am getting through it. The help of God, my friends, my online "support group", and praise music. I find I can no longer listen to secular music with abandon. Where is the HOPE and the LOVE in those songs? They are all about sex and lust, calling it "love" but it is not actual love. They are songs about cheating, getting over, making money, how being bad is being good, and just illicit entitlement, mistrust, depression, selfishness, and do NOT support healing and peace. These are all things I just no longer subscribe to or really want the influence of in my life. Goodness, true love, trust, honesty, compassion that's what I need more of. It seems its all that's there in the Word of God, and meh, it really helps me right now.
The cleaning routine feels grueling, the body environment changes are sci-fi scary and yet I am alive and still fighting back against this thing. Yesterday my gf told me I am strong and have always been strong. What? Really? This was so hard for me to believe, as I have felt weak for much of my life. At the health food store two strangers came up to me and said I was beautiful and had great artistic style. What?! I have lost my clothes. I have lost/am losing my looks. I am tired and aging prematurely. I was shocked. How could they possibly think this or see that? My realization is 'Wow, it is clear that the way I see myself does not match at all how others see me." I actually came to a lot of realizations the last couple days.
I cannot any longer continue in my pattern of putting myself and my health last - this is where I am now. I MUST care for my body, my home and my life whatever of it that I have left. I really have put food in the past, above God and also turned to sweets for comfort instead of God. I realized too we are taught these kind of things in early childhood. Though my parents may have thought they'd done their best, they had absolutely no training or idea how to raise me (they were younger) but however they themselves had been raised and their own messages of what love is/discipline looks like. I see that now. Throughout much of my childhood times I was hurt by them physically, emotionally and mentally. During these times a sweet would come into the picture. Mentally (as inner voices) strong messages were sent to me. Aww, you're hurting? I hit you because your bad/stupid/ugly/frustrating me, etc. You deserve it. Here have a cookie and go in the other room. Aww, you fell down? Too bad. Get up. Here is a lollipop. year after year, hurt after hurt etc. You need to talk about something serious? I don't have time for you. I would make some food, listen to music or write/pretend instead.
In retrospect, God showed me these kind of early life experiences sent me the childhood messages and beliefs that I have SILENTLY lived by up to now (whether they intended this or not)
1st message (variations) was your pain does not matter/does not exist/is not important. The 2nd was when you are in pain, eat something sweet. Actions speak louder than words, we always hear that, right? The actions sounded a lot like "you don't deserve real comfort, and no one will comfort you so get your comfort from somewhere else." We do NEED comforting. ALL of us. It IS comforting to eat something sweet, even science will tell us that, but it is not LOVE. It is not VALIDATION. It is not UNDERSTANDING and EMPATHY. It is not GENTLE TOUCH. These things are what make a person / a child, whole. I see that now. Sugar/Food did not offer me that. It offered me a substitute. I lived off that substitute, much of my life, indirectly seeking comfort. Believing I could never have the real thing, so I did not need it. I don't even know when I need comfort and I sure as shit dont know how to ask for it. I was see now that I was also taught not to ask for help, because when I needed it I would not get it, or be believed, or justified. Instead, I learned to react a different way to my times of sadness or pain.
Now however, there is really NO substitute left. I CANNOT have my "comfort" foods, my sugary goodness, my work (though abusive many times still gave me fulfillment and a way to have efficacy/self respect), cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, lovers. I realized these were all things that served to destroy my immunity and my body - this illness does not give me the liberty to mess with myself internally anymore or push any "bad" feelings down. Bad food, stress, bad habits, leads to symptoms RIGHT AWAY! :'(
Another realization as Free has left is that this lack of recognition of my pain (from caregivers) and my own self-preserving formed habits to those actions, also directly (albeit unknowingly) led me to be attracted to and attract people who also were pushing down their own pain as well as would not ever be able to recognize mine. Hence I had many abusive relationships, unhealthy, unsafe relationships with others who were also living out and living in a kind of denial of their own with the same above things. The cycle was that neither of us could ever actually comfort each other in any meaningful way.
Prior to knowing God (and reading the Word/Proverbs) I can honestly say I did not know what true love was. What being a "good person" really meant in practice or that I was lovable, deserving, precious, appreciated and ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH.
As an adult too, if I felt bad, I would eat or do something else to feel "better". Looking back my diet was a diet of mostly sugary sweet things, dairy, processed and refined carbohydrates, fast food and very little water. My early life's usual suspects were macaroni and cheese, Taco Bell, ANY kind of cake, candy, cookie or chip, milk, coffee, ANY kind of bread or pasta with some sauce. These were favorite foods of mine. I began to have illnesses and other things wrong with me, but I did not look at sugar or my refined carbs as the culprit at all, neither did my Dr.s who were happy to prescribe pills instead of diet change. I did do the "increase fiber" trend by beginning to eat more vegetables with these foods in the last few years before getting this. Clearly that was not enough for this poor body. Not to mention all the cigarettes and alcohol I put in for my systems and liver to sort out (my main detox organ).
My diet now is no grains, no dairy, no sugar, NO REFINED SUGAR AT ALL (not even natural sugars in the smallest quantities yet) for 18-24 months. As my body is toxic I am trying to add more foods that are more alkaline. How ironic and yet, what a blessing, right? Who knows what my future held if I kept on the way I was? I was on my way to death even though I did not know it. I got this and though He didnt give it to me, he is USING it to open my eyes to so many things.
My diet now due to this illness is very hard for me. In my struggle to not just live, but live well, am even eating things I have always hated due to my upbringing. Before now I could never eat onions or peppers. I now MUST eat them (raw) as they do certain things to my body to help my pills do their thing in building up my immune system.
Last night I was wrecked by seeing 6 new pimple 'bites' crop up on my skin BEFORE my EYES. It's one thing to know something has cropped up on your skin over night or is there but it is quite another to have been looking at clear skin one minute, while looking at your skin and then see "activity"! I must get rid of this illness. I continue to pray and ask for prayers for healing. I cannot function like this. I am fearful. People say those who have this are "delusional". Yeah, I guess I have become pretty crazy having seen the things I have seen and felt what I am feeling. However, after years of being in denial, I am NO LONGER ignoring my feelings. I am no longer ignoring my needs. In coming to that place of self actualization, I am NOT ignoring what I see and my body FEELS, either.
I CANNOT afford to do that. I will die. Just like using the food/sugar/sweets to mask my mental, physical, emotional pain 'symptoms" -- it is similar. But I have changed. I don't want a pharma "pill" to push away "symptoms" of pain/discomfort as I was taught in childhood. I want a real lasting solution to the problem - not just the symptoms. I want to HEAL. I now want and I have found out that I deserve the true LOVE and true COMFORT.
My diet this week was:
12/27 ----began Parabolish while doing http://logosnutritionals.com/products/vitaminsupplements/vitaminsupplementswellnessprotocol/
12/28
L: 2 eggs, 1/2 handful spinach, mixed greens salad w/ cucumber, 8 oz Protein shake, 8 oz Lemon water w stevia
D: eggs w spinach, 1 pc Chicken breast, Green beans, 4 oz lemon water, 1 tsp coconut manna w shredded coconut shreds
S: 2 tbsp mixed nuts
Symptoms: daytime redness and lint on skin after shower spraying w MMS. Light crawling arms, belly, feet during day. Heavier crawling feet at night.
12/29
B: none (woke late at 10am) =(
L: 3:30p - 2 C mixed salad greens w broccoli, cauliflower and cucumbers, Goddess dressing, 1 egg w garlic sauce, 8 oz protein shake, 1 celery stalk w almond butter
S1: 5:30p 16 oz lemon water w stevia, 3 tbsp almond butter, 3 brown rice cakes, 14 Blk bean Beanitos chips (1 serving), 1/2 avocado w pinch salt,
16 oz lemon water w stevia
D: 7:30 p- 1/4 C cauliflower, 2 breasts Chicken, 2 brown rice Vans waffles-3g sugar, 5 oz water
S2: 8:30p -1 dark choc nuts /sea salt KIND bar -5g :(, 1 Brown rice cake, 1 tsp Almond butter, 3 oz Coconut milk
Symptoms: 3 BMs today. Type 3 and couple 2's. more water, more fiber! Some later night floaters (lower fat intake for tomo) feeling freezing cold most of day. Hard burning stings on belly, legs throughout the day. Redness/burning on belly after lying down on the floor. 2 new bites on neck and behind the ear.
12/30-
B: 16 oz water
1 1/2 C Mixed Greens w/ radishes salad w evoo, salt, lemon dressing, 1/2 tuna fish
8 oz Protein shake
L: 4 oz butternut squash soup w garlic sauce, 2 C Mixed greens w cucumber, broccoli and goddess dressing.
1 slice ezekiel bread sprouted w gmo/soy free butter, 16 oz key lime water w stevia
S1: 4 nutjustacookie sugar free - Almond
D: 2 oz chicken w garlic basil, Cauliflower (evoo, salt, lemon), 1/2 Avocado (evoo, sea salt, lemon)
Symptoms: 2 BMs today. Type 2 in am, type 3 in pm. BTemp 96.6 at 7pm. Stomach ache after ingesting increased MMS, sprayed entire body w MMS then slept well.
12/31 --(15 drops MMS begin)
16 oz water
B: 2 eggs, spinach w garlic, 8 oz greens drink (celery, spinach, parsley)
L: 2 celery stalks, 1/2 cucumber, and 2 radish w 2 tbsp protocol ranch, 1/2 c cauliflower rice w evoo, lemon, s+p, 1 rice cake, 2 tsp cashew butter, 4
S: 4 nutjustacookie (pistachio) w rooibos tea - (3=0g sugar), 1/4 slice ginger cashew KIND bar 1.5 g sugar
D:1 egg w green beans, broc, kale, 3 C mixed greens salad w zucchini, broccoli florets and evoo dressing, 1 waffle
Symptoms: 2-3 BMs. Type 2. :( PH at 1p =6.5. BTemp at 6:30p was 96.1. Feeling cold again most of the day. Light-med crawling. Stings under my clothes. Steady @99 lbs; that is 1 blessing! Stinging/Burning today after 4 pm. Had to take a Melatonin 3mg to even sleep thru stings/burning.
1/1 (full moon symptoms - begin MMS split dose)
B: 16.9 oz water, 1 egg w spinach, 8 oz acv water, 1/2 avocado w salt
S: 6 oz rooibos tea
L: 4 oz protein shake, 1 celery stick w almond butter, 3 C Mixed greens salad w peppers, cucumber, light onion, avocado, zucchini, cauliflower and goddess dressing, Coconut oil tbsp w shredded coconut flakes +coco manna, 4 oz Greens detox drink
S1: waffle w cashew butter
D: 2 C cauliflower rice, Mixed greens lunch l/overs, 2 Pastrami pcs
Symptoms: 9:30 AM: BM Type 3- dk brown; BTemp=96.6, PH 6.0. BT =95.7. BT 2:15a = 97.1. Little less crawling today. Some hard stinging and burning.
1/2/14
B: egg, cucumbers, avocado slice, evoo, salt. 4 oz protein shake
D: waffle w 1 tsp org cashew butter, cauliflower rice w coco aminos, himalayan salt, 1 oz shredded chkn, 1 oz beef, mixed greens salad w zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, evoo, 1/2 c Green beans w 1 tbsp raw garlic
S: 20 oz Lemon water, 3 tsp coco oil, shredded coconut& coco manna w stevia
Symptoms: 2 BMs Type 2-3 green/dk brown;. Less daytime crawling-stinging burning during day. Crawling, stinging and burning at night after 10.
1/3
B, L, D >> fasted w water and 1 lemon detox tea only til 12 am.
Note: missed all pills today also. Did NOT miss Bedtime regimen or MMS dose. Stayed in bed most of the day. How do I take food related pills when I am fasting?
1/4 (woke late again) =(
B: 11am- 2 hb eggs, 8 oz protein shake, 1/3 c almonds
L: 6pm- Jack in the box - 1 turkey burger, 1 hamburger plain (no bun, no cheese, no condiments, no fast food "vegetables" of their lettuce or tomato)
D: 8:45pm- 3 C mixed greens w tuna, and evoo lemon dressing, 1/2 c green beans, lemon water w stevia
S: 12:45a -- 3 tbsp almond butter, 1/2 c coconut manna, 1 waffle, 2 tbsp almonds & mixed nuts
Symptoms: No more PH strips to test urine. =( No money to get basic protocol necessities this week. No BM today. Light crawling. Bites on back and chest. Energy was ok today at least.
1/5/14 (day 7 Parabolish)
B: 2 eggs, salsa, avocado slices, evoo, salt&p, garlic, 8 oz protein shake
S: 16 oz lemon water w stevia, Blk bean soup, 1/3 c almonds
L: missed =(
D: 3 c salad- lettuce, spinach, cucumber, lemon juice, zucchini n squash slices, Blk and grn olives, slice avocado, 1 slices red onion, 1 sm slice green pepper, Greens drink (celery, kale, garlic, spinach, parsley) 4 oz protein shake w 1 tsp flaxseed, Tsp Coconut oil, 8 oz water
Symptoms: 2 BMS in am. Brownish, type 4s. Light crawling throughout day. Burning stinging skin. Energy was ok. 1 bite/pimple on back in the am. Saw small spider and pincer bug today in house. Ugh :( Am I attracting these bugs as they see my skin as dead plant matter? Must step up the KG spray. Missed many pill times and meal times today/this week. Very disappointed w/ myself! Must get back on the schedule!! Proud that I did not have sugar today!
As Peter advised, looking for the blessings and a positive today.
