35 minutes of remembering the past..

I like to periodically look back on what I have learned and lessons I gleaned, sometimes its something, sometimes its absolutely nothing.


6/21/04
I am feeling happy and good this sunny day. How are you? My weekend was good, and busy, filled with productive things..lol. I am told I have a whole new attitude on me.
Friday after work I went out for drinks @ Houlihan’s with the guys in the Tech department. It was nice and we had fun, I realized I am not really like other girls. I got a little tipsy and I met the 2 new guys, Daniel, one of which doesn’t really belong here it seems. He is smart, and funny, and well interesting. I talked about him all weekend at one point or another and today I saw him and ignored him, go figure. Then I went with Otto and took him to Red Lobster for all the rides home he has given me, he was good company and we had a nice time. Ryan’s b-day party was @ Lit and it was nice, I went mainly to see him but Alex was there so I finally met up with him too. I was getting into heavy conversation with the owner, David, whom I gave the digits to. I like him, he is sweet and smart and he knows Nick (porn guy, long story).
Then I met Mike standing by Carlos D. from Interpol (a band I love, btw) and we started talking. Now this easily could have been a 7 minute conversation but we just kept talking and talking, then it was like 4 am and when they said last call I made a beeline for the bathroom and there was a girl taking like 4 hour and no tp available so what do I do? I went to the guys bathroom where there were like 2 guys and was like “hey.” “I am gonna be pissing here, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.” So there I was pulling my pants down in front of 2 male strangers and neither of us had a care in the world..then Mike comes in to use the bathroom as I am pulling my pants up! He missed the peep show..lol. So we stay a bit to see if I see Ry to say goodbye, but he isn’t there so we leave and walk to Odessa on A and have breakfast. We have a nice time, make jokes about Lavababy (the band me & Lily auditioned for) and then go to our homes. I’m drunk, its 7am, I call Lily to remind her that we have practice in 4 hours at Ben’s house. I’m a dork.

Saturday Lily & I go to practice..o wait, the dream. Sat. morning me, Ryan, his girl, Ben, his girl, Carlos D. and some other people are all in this big car, talking about where we’re going next and driving fast, smoking weed, cigs and then we do cocaine, interesting stuff. So I sniffed and woke the fuck up..So we go to practice I am totally hung over but ready…we get to Bens and we write 2 songs ..it was great.. we even videotaped us writing it, so we have it for future. Steve didn’t make it cuz he was celebrating his bro’s b-day party. Then we decide to color our hair blue/ black and get pedis, we go back to Brooklyn and I heard The Faint for the first time, I fell in love!

So we are there on the back porch, half naked, talking to the guys next door (they want me us to model for their clothes site), with dye in our hair, smoking cigs and its freezing out, but The Faint is playing so who cares, right? Then I have to go to the Art of Shooting show @Trash but I don’t make it cuz we still have to wash and condition each others hair! So at some point Lily asks me to go with her to meet her friends from NC, we go to Red and Black, Nick is gone. They love it there,its good times, we stay til like 5am and I danced my ass off with Lily, Jamie,(Gina’s guy) and Mike. Ahhhh, Mike. Yo! Let me just talk about Mike for about 3 minutes here, Mike is a hottie who came from NC to intern at Matador and be scouted by modeling agencies, has a girlfriend there who is insecure and jealous and tells him what to do. Mike is BEAUTIFUL. He has perfect cheek bones, great emo/punkrock hair, and a tall lean body. He dresses well and has a great smile. Now, he is not that smart, nor can he dance (he prob cant u know what) but looking at him could be a pastime. Needless to say, I want him. I am putting him in the video.

Sunday I am supposed to go to the studio. I wake up late and run out of Brooklyn! I get there and Vinny and I start talking about what we want for the album etc and I tell him about murdering beethoven, he is excited, but wants me to show up for sessions when I say I will and call him if I’m not. Understandable. I am not going to make a habit of that.. then I get home where I can finally get some sleep and do I? Nope. I start returning calls, and call Mike (the one from Lit) back and Dave. (a guy I met on the bus who is a great poet and sexy as hell) Mike asks me to go to a comedy show with him. Dave asks me to go and hang in his cool car. I say yes to Mike and get ready…we have a nice time and Mike is so smart and sweet, I may actually date him.
Finally I get home @ 12:30am and crash in the middle of my bed with my clothes on listening to The Killers…so yeah, my weekend was sweeeeet! I loved every second and I think my hair is with me on that.

With that this is today's horoscope "Whatever the weather is like outside at the beginning of the week is completely irrelevant, because wherever you are it's hot with a capital H. Your prowess at pretty much everything is staggering -- why not turn some of that sexy storm of energy on your love life? Amp it up, and your honey or that hottie will follow suit. And don't delay; your forecast is prime Monday through Wednesday. After that, you may be distracted by silly little details of day-to-day life, and frankly you've got bigger and better stuff to do."

8/9/04
So Josh and I kinda broke up over the weekend though we were never officially together. The reason is I flipped out and got all-emotional and accused him of something he wasn’t doing and didn’t give him his space to do his recording. I wrote badly about him in my blog on a whim and he read it and got waaay offended. So things are eh for us now, and he has issues with Claudia still. I really like him and it’s unfortunate he doesn’t want to be with me.

In other news, on the same day I saw Oddatee on the bus and he told me how he has wanted to be with me for the last 4 years and though we lost touch and have had other relationships, he has always liked me a lot and wants to go on a date with me, and wants to be in a relationship with me. He, like Josh thinks that because I am a musician that things will just work out. That I will be more understanding than the other girls that have loved them, and wont expect them to give anything substantial that will take away from their love for succeeding. Marco in the same token wants to date as well, but for some reason I don’t feel I can trust him and I have to go with that instinct. I don’t know what he wants from me and he is sooo sexual. That is the last thing I need right now is to get hurt by someone who doesn’t know what they want.
I saw Yotam yesterday to give him back his stuff and wow, I had no feelings for him either way. It was very nice. I guess that means I can get over Josh or anyone given enough time. I was with Yotam closely for more than 6 months and here I am 2 months later seeing him and not caring one way or the other. But I don’t really want to get over Josh, I think he and I are good together, but I guess I have learned not to push it. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with me and I just have to move on quickly and not look back. What I don’t understand is that inevitably it seems no matter who I am with, I find that they don’t want to be with me or cant handle being with me. What the hell am I doing wrong? I don’t know, I mean, I have so many great qualities and a lot of love to give but they don’t want it. What’s wrong with me, or is it them or both?

I know who wants it, David. With David think I would not have these problems. He is 43, creative, well off and happy with himself and his life and his art. He has been there, done that with his life and he still has spunk and joi de vive. He has that beard that I don’t like and he is a little chubby but other than that, damn he is wonderful. He is attentive, affectionate, understanding of my career aspirations and unselfish. I am going to see him this week and be open minded.

I talked to Lily yesterday about the future of the band now that Ben and Steve are gone. We are moving forward without them and gonna pay for rehearsal space and get pay to play members. It’s better for us this way. We are going to finish the songs ourselves and pay studio musicians. Also, I have decided I am gonna finish Happy Fake and Treated this way and the 4 other songs on my own as well. I’m shooting for a CD of all my stuff that I have written, my own CD. Not to sell, but to have and consolidate all I have done and be proud of before I get too old or too lazy to keep recording. I don’t see that happening either though, because look at me? My unflinching ass is still going after 7 long arduous years.

Come the 24th of August I make 6 months at my job! Woo hoo! I love this place still as much as when I first got here, EVEN WITH the Fergal issues and the departure of my supervisor. Write later.

8/10/04
Spoke to Josh last night and he told me how much he loves Claudia and is deciding to be with her after all. Well not with her with her, cuz she doesn’t actually want him when he wants her, but still into her and hanging out with her and being her best friend. He suddenly doesn’t want to see me after all. It was cute actually, reminiscent of what Yotam had said, “oh, you’ll get over this.” and the ever popular “its not you, at all”, it’s nothing against you, its me”.

LO fuckin L cuz if I don’t laugh I will cry. My supervisor was talking about how her sister is getting married and she wonders when will she get married and how every guy she has been with has gotten married right after breaking up with her and this just made me depressed to hear her talking about it like it’s a joke. I know she doesn’t think it is. I certainly am not laughing. Overhearing that conversation is what made me write this.

The funny thing is without the marriage parts, that’s the same as my situation. They leave me ( for one reason or another, but they all usually gave the same reason) to be with the person they will really love. I’m just a fucking precursor, a prototype, the trial sample. I’m the in between girl. Good times, good sex (if that) some music, and lots of laughs. Yeah that’s fuckin great, huh? They meet me when they are about to have a fucking sunshine breakthrough with someone else. No one is ever gonna write me those pretty songs. I’m gonna have to write about myself. Shall we go through the dates for some authentication? First there was Chad who left to find his Rachel, then Johnny to be with (out of fuckin nowhere) sudden love of his life Johanna, Yotam with his new Muon (a week after me), and now Josh with his Claudia of course, who has always been there for him, (not actually there with him in a working relationship, but) in his mind.

Adam told me yesterday that most men want window dressing not a sexy, intelligent, ambitious, passionate, emotional woman like me. They want someone easy, someone who doesn’t think much/talk much/argue much I guess. Well how the hell is that? How can I be window dressing? I want to be happy too damn it! I don’t want to die alone and succeed alone! What do I have to do? What do I have to look like to be this girl? How do I have to act? Wtf?

I can't think about this now. Back to work, I will write more later.

3/15/05
I got this amazingly insightful email from his mom yesterday that was really helpful in making me forget him a bit more. The one nice thing was that she said she loved me and that he loves me very much. What a sweet sentiment. I am seeing Rob again, hanging out with Matt, and meeting more women as I can. Scott is also gonna be a bit of a fixture.

I am keeping busy with music stuff and finding a studio to do this in. I am getting the same thing over and over everywhere. Which is do you have the tracks separate? No I don’t, so what can we do instead? Lol. There has to be a way around that. Or maybe I should just cut my losses and start over again? I don’t know. The whole thing has me a bit frustrated. I mean this is the last 12 years of my life! Maybe I should just talk to Wendell and Mike and Chris and try to get the tracks I need. I guess it couldn’t hurt. I will call them all tonight and tell them why. I’d hate to have to pay people to recreate what we have already done and just didn’t finish for one reason or another due to personal differences. Grrrr.

So I am not seeing Gordon or even probably talking to him til my birthday, who knows if I will see him even then. He needs “space”. Who knows that he will want to spend too much time with me even on that weekend. So I will make other plans and just try to see him on Friday night and maybe Sunday afternoon if he can swing it.

By every conversation we have I feel more and more that he is ever growing distant. I’m over it. I really need to move on. I know he can be checking his Myspace mail, blocking me from leaving sweet comments, and chatting online but not talking to me or saying more than 4 words to me. I am not going to take it in a wrong way, I am just realizing its time to let him go and thoughts of him completely not just a little, completely. No more emails. No more calls. Goodbye Gordon. With his 9-word response email I am sure he thinks that his quota to speaking to me for the day is filled. I don’t really need a guy like that right now. Look at how little I was willing to accept from this guy?

3/29/05
I was born on this day. Wow. It’s just as cloudy/rainy as it was then. I am feeling good and happy with the situation of things. Its weird to say now but I am kinda glad Gordon is not with me. I don’t really think we are that good together in retrospect, he is sooo selfish, with me! I still love him but my god, he is like a male Madonna. All about himself and woe is me to anyone who might get in his way. He is only nice to get what he wants and he always wants something. If you cant give it to him can you introduce him to someone who can? He will do anything he can to impress people that he feels can get him what he wants, which is sad and ambitious all at once. Somehow I could see him rationalizing gay sex in order to get what he wants. He can rationalize any reason for doing anything as long as the result is what he wants. No shame he once said. He also told me that he was a user and rationalized it as “getting hooked up”, no, you use people.

He didn’t even call me to say Happy Birthday. Whatever. I have worn out my usefulness for him. When I told him about the party he missed cuz he was hanging out with his friends and how he could have been meeting people for CA, he was almost salivating. He was like “o why didnt you tell me that?” In other words had I told him he might have pretended like he was having a good time with me so he could meet the people he felt were important to meet. Why didn’t you just not dis me, you jerk.

I think I am gonna see Rob tonight. I went to get my tracklights yesterday for the apt and more paint stuff, and I also got some colored candles and rugs for the blue area. I think the apt over time is gonna look soo cute. I just need to keep making duckets and find more ways to make bigger duckets. “Duckets”, I havent used that in a long time. “Cool beans” has seen no resurrection either. Time to get to work, I will write more if I can later.

9-17-06
So I found out last night that my ex sort of unexpectedly - ( I had just woken up from sleeping to go to Lillith’s b-day party, and what a wakeup call too) is definitely already fucking around and he’s not even talking about it like in a proud way. It kinda hurts me cuz its like o you didn’t have sex with me, or want me, but your content to pay some chick in weed to fuck you? Do you..I guess.

What the fuck is wrong with you son? This inspired me to write such eloquence as Lyric #2 which is “I’m so glad I found out that you a ho,- bitch. I’m so glad you found the do’ - bitch.”Yeah.. so I’m ready now.

There is no going back. If there was even an inkling that "wow.. this is cool, that we are apart and we are getting along so well maybe someday..fuck that! I don’t want that skank. Or his skank's sloppy seconds. LOL. Ugh he's so dirty. I’m worth so much more than that. Another one I will never return to.


06/06/07
well there it was. none of my business innocently sitting there (as a bottle of wine can) and saying nothing next to a bottle of beer. Chris and I have broken up and in going to calm Roscoe I saw it. how do i feel about it?

1 chris is no longer with me and can share bottles of wine with whomever he wants - less violence toward me the better.
2 I dont think at this point in time drinking is going to help him at all to be less violent after what i have read
3 how can he say the things he does to me and then go drinking an entire bottle with someone else?
4 oh wait denial and abuse has answered that question, there is no reason..reason is for rational people, abusive people are not rational - he is not in my reality. he has no reason for doing such things he is propelled by need to act/react - instead of feel - hurt to others and hurting himself like a lunatic.
well.. there it is.

10/1/07
This relationship was less than a year. And just like that last night after no sex, our relationship is over for Chris. He said the moment was when I wanted to clean myself before he went down on me. Now so if I had let him, would things be workable? Had we had sex he would have still cared for me and wanted to be with me and try? And because we did not it was his final straw. And because he left me and I was feeling miserable and unwanted as he has assisted me in feeling the last 2 weeks I was hurt, sad, and angry.

Now he wants “time/space”. He no longer wants me because I relapsed, threatened him, and I cannot be forgiven. No matter that I forgave him time and again, no matter that I have given myself to him time and again, no matter that I still cared and wanted to work it out and had already changed my tune and perception from one that was not working to one that was going to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. No none of that matters now. He was just like Brandon and Gordon with his “I’m over you” sighing to my cries of loving him and my pain of him leaving me. He was just like them in his nonchalance “you are really bothering me with you’re trying to get me back and arguing your point” attitude. “I just don’t and won’t ever want you”. “I need rest, can you leave please?” These were his words..

11/12/07
Relationships, Breakups, Crushes and Boys/Girls I Have Had, Wanted or Loved (A Recount) inc original from 5/14/03
Boy in Germany: I'm five, he's five, I’m, cute, he’s cute, he's my “boyfriend” and I'm his “girlfriend”. Must have been an easy breakup since I don't remember it. LOL

Eric Weber: 4th grade. My first crush, a Leo. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and quiet. He looks absolutely amazing to me! Head over heels for this boy. He makes me blush in front of my whole class and he calls me mean names at our bus stop, he also stands by while David and the other boys attack me in Tanya’s house.

Scott Meyers: 4th grade. He is cute but I don’t like him. He’s just another boy at another party. I think Halloween. Back when my Mom was well and wild she threw me a party she made me do 7 seconds in heaven with this boy in our bathroom.

Eric Weber: I’m in 5th. Yes, still am in love with him. He threw water on our speakers I got beat up by my dad bcuz of him and he also tries to drown me in a bucket. I still dreamt of him walking hand in hand with me on the playground.

Tommy: My god this was my cousin! Nonetheless I wanted him. I pretended he was my boyfriend and that I was grown up.

Mike Passaro: This boy was at first a fill in for Eric W. who didn’t like me. Then we had genuinely good times together. We were into Flash Gordon movies, and comics, he thought I was beautiful and we hung around each other playing everyday. My parents knew his parents, they had huge cookouts and trips.

Eric Weber: 7th grade. Damn when will this boy ever notice me? Doesn’t he see me following behind him? Isn’t he impressed when I speak loudly in his vicinity? Doesn’t he see all the other boys noticing me like I’m a new human? I have a damn tan! I am growing boobs! I went to faraway locales! Look at me!

Joseph Pizzi: 8th grade. OMG. This boy actually made me forget about Eric. He is on the football team. He is popular, he is older, he has a lot of money (or so I think). He is amazing looking. Dark brown curly hair, wide set dark brown yummy eyes, and his body is beautiful. He has a gorgeous smile! Eric? Eric who?

Here is where things get tricky. By now I was 14 and what they call “boy crazy”.
That Summer – I didn’t know which way was up. My mom was letting all these people stay at our house. Yes, even boys. I liked all of these boys for one reason or another. But who could choose?
John / Vinnie / Paul
Dave / Mike
Bryan W
Jeff Rosenthal: our class clown, no girl thinks he’s cute but he is simply awesome in my eyes.
Jeff Pate: He is a southern sexy blonde who is in my Math class.
John Thomasiello: Wow. He is a skateboarder and doesn’t even look at me or know I am alive. I start skateboarding again.

Eric Matheny: 8th grade. My first little sort of boyfriend. God, did he love me in that puppy love way. I am such an asshole. He told my mom he wanted to “wedding kiss” me, said he loved everything about me from my head to my little “dolphin” toes. I really fucked this one up. I hurt this poor boy in every way a girl could hurt someone at 12. He became a jerk after me. His innocent little feelings. =( It makes me sad just thinking about it.

Robin Baitz: The bad friend who I hurt Eric with. I should have known when he showed me a book by Anton LaVey I was in for trouble. I was really crunching on him. He was very cute. I kissed him and not Eric. He was a great kisser for 13, he must have gotten around. Those parents were never home. Eric found out, sadness ensued.

Willie Baez: He is my boyfriend but only on the phone. We talk often. We never see each other. At 13, he lived what seemed like a gajillion miles away.

Alex Johnson: 9th grade. My metal head banger hanger. We had a cool relationship more like friends but with 1 or 2 kissing benefits. We kissed and it was wet kissing and it was once in his little lofty area - a boys room for sure.

Here is where I suicide(1) and leave home.

Chuck: He was going to cook dinner for me and try to be romantic instead I tried to kill myself on the way to his house finally wanting nothing more than to leave mine and never ever come back.

Barry Kaufman: My first real crush, crush and boyfriend. That nose and that freestyle music! I was really into him. I almost moved in with him. He made me the best cheeseburgers! I tried to jump out of his moving car. We stayed together for a year.

Brian Burns: This alternative/emo boy had me by the balls. Hook line and sinker. I never kissed him. Not a boyfriend, but a guy I was crazy about who thought I was a total dork and probably a stalker, if he thought anything of me. He looked like some beautiful junkie godling with his tall, rail thin body, pale-green eyes, paper-white skin, and red hair. I might mention also, not the warmest guy you've ever met. He never smiled, and I never saw him laugh.

Rich Polaski: his friend. Sexy surfer boy. Mmmhh. I kissed him in his den on his couch one late night after sneaking out. I got lost in the woods of Linden, well manicured lawns really but when your 15, its like its the woods!

I try Suicide attempt(2) shipped off to the Dads part of town.

Erman Kim Puebla: This man is my first teen love. We write rap rhymes together. I learn what domestic violence is. I get comfortable and take a seat there. We hurt each other. He puts a gun to my head. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. We plan marriage and kids in the midst of abusive madness. We do drugs together and cheat on each other. We stay together for 4 years. Oddly comfortable with him after leaving home. He beats me almost daily. Until he tries to throw me in front of a car after waiting outside for me all night until I exited a nightclub. He goes to jail; I leave him, my injuries and our relationship in Rikers Island NY.

Leslie: we dress Goth and have sexy displays of affection on Webster Hall and Club USA dance floors. We got drunk a lot and were both pretty confused and miserable as women at the time so we decided we were for each other.

PeeWee: Its Latin for ..? Well, I don’t know but he was a latin hottie who lived across the street. Another Leo. He was smoldering and he had a gf or was she an ex? She was going to beat me up. We listened to Poor Righteous Teachers and made up dances in his “sala”.

(there are boys in between here I liked and I know I’m forgetting)

Brendan: He lives kinda far and he really likes me but we only hang a couple times and nothing really happens between us. He took this really memorable picture of me that everyone says I look just like Selena in.

Randy Maglasang: I never kissed him or anything. A beautiful artist. I liked him very much. We hung out a lot. He had a car so he can pick me up anytime =) He took so many pictures of me, and video, and made me paintings of me with my guitars and my instruments. He hand wrote me love letters, filmed me, and he changed an entire SAT test wording to fit our relationship with questions about us for me to answer. Do you know how many pages and questions an SAT has? How long that must have taken? I love that kind of dedication. When I finally wanted him he said when you are famous look me up. At that point, I realized like all other men, he is a fucking asshole.

Evette: Evette and I have a history that cannot be put into words. We shared a lot together, we were both confused abused little girls and we did things that are indescribable and some that will never be shared with anyone.

Fathey: Younger than me, when I met him he was in a “K-Hole”. He is really quiet and the other guys around at the party are noisy and boisterous, so he is the one I went for. I move in with him. He does hardcore drugs. I try crack. He was everything to me. He reads my mind. He is intelligent. I fall in love. We have sex. It’s great; He was large! I find underwear under our bed. I suspected him of cheating and left him forever.

Carlos Polanco: A good friend of an ex from my childhood (see Baez). We immediately connect, become tight, which leads to more. We do acid together, smoke weed together daily. We have sex constantly, and for hours. We share our poetry, views on politics and write music. He plays guitar and inspires me. He is smart and witty. He also has roaming eyes and lips unfortunately. We smoke mad weed together! I intro him to cross dressing, NYC nightlife, the rave scene, homosexuality and vibrators. “Five to One” will always be my song for him and our sex. He cheats on me and I end our relationship. He becomes a cokehead and robs me and my family blind 2 years after our breakup. I forgive him and invite him to my new place to meet my new bf. He becomes one of my biggest fans. I intro him to the videogame Tibia. We become Tibia videogame addicts together.

Joe Pizzi: This is the boy I had the crush on in HS. I meet with him again. He is into me and we start to go out. HE is not the boy I went to school with, he has changed ALOT. He does drugs, steals, doesn’t work or want to, and listens to Hip Hop. We have great sex and are spontaneous together in everything we do. We talked all the time til he cheats on me then I leave him. How sad. The realization of someone thrown down from a pedestal.

Suicide attempt (3!)

Joseph Anthony Guzman: My poet, my Punchy, my JAG. This is the major love of my life. I am homeless with him in Brooklyn. We squat in a basement for 2 years! No water, no heat, no food, no bed, no money and we are immensely in love and have sex all the time. He was a nice size for me. We have great times together. We write music together. We do drugs. I watch him do drugs. He works night and day so I don’t have to work. Later, he lies to me a lot. I sleep all day; sing to him all night. We fight a lot. I cry, he cries. I cheat. He does more drugs. He inspires many, many poems I have written. Verbal abuse. I am his whore and his saint. We hate and love one another immensely. We have great sex. I make love to him. He makes love to me. We also fuck like rabbits and fold our laundry together.

I get a job for him, leave him and move to NYC then he comes to live with me. I take care of him. We both work all day but he comes home and rubs my feet. We pay bills. I want to marry him. He does more drugs, and says the meanest things. I work hard for him, write songs about him, take him out, buy him things. He says I do nothing for him, I don’t love him, throws my recorder gift onto the highway. We sleep in motels. We get so high. He gets so fucked up he falls asleep out cold in a diner for 3 hours, I watch and wonder about us. He gets into fights. He is loud and noisy and moves his hands a lot. Laughs creepily when things don’t go his way. I still love him. Complains and blames everything wrong on someone else. He is crazy. I leave him. Many of my friends and family nurture a hope that we'll get back together, although it's been 10 years since we broke up. We were together four years and almost got married, but then... we didn't. He was high on our anniversary and that did it for me. I left him that day (surprise!) and walked out of our apartment, left my things and never went back. That breakup kicked me way down into the pits for years. Somebody can be no good for you at all and you'll still love your history together, still miss the companionship. I hook him up with my girl, who for a time, was happy with him.

Shahn Andersen: Boobear. It’s Shahn. Of the Hans Christian or so he says… He was my best friend. He was my bandmate. We go through so much together. There is no other like him. He is in the band Nymph. He is beautiful. Strong. Stubborn. Sexy. I move with him in Queens. I smother him to death. Poor Shahn, I am sorry. Afraid of commitment. I am insecure with him. We have great sex! Kinky sex. Sexy sex. Bathroom sex. Constant sex. He likes boys and girls. He has had sex with both. He is faithful, honest and ambitious. We break up because 9-11 and he doesn’t ever want to marry me after 2 years. He is a commitment o phobe and I realized he would never be just mine. Shahn may never marry for real.

Bastion: Chu Monster, Chu-chee! We lasted a year and then some with breakups in between. I meet him and ask him to marry me the first night we are introduced. He leaves his girlfriend for me. He cheats on me, I forgive him. He said yes to me. I give up my promise to God for him. He is so good to me. He loves me. He supports me. He is clueless at first sexually but I get to teach him. We have warm sex. Sweet sex. Then he became my fuck machine. LOL. He is terrible with money. I feel I have to take care of him. I am demanding. He is a Momma’s boy. Hell, I love his mama too. I start to look around during a fight, meet someone online and I break up with him. I still miss him and his crazy ways.

Joseph Arthur: I am in crush with him for 3 years. I listened to his music daily. I meet him before a show. He is actually into me too. We date. Since he is somewhat famous I am not going to go into any detail about us. I respect him and his work and don’t kiss and tell.

Jimmy Urine: MSI frontman. I write him for 2 years. We have a correspondence and cool little thing for a time. I've yet to meet him. I promise u though, I will. I want to write with him. I want to watch him write. I want to talk to him and share my insanity with someone I know will relate! Jimmy's the nerdiest biddomb!

Chad Reyes: “Wifey” wow. An almost indescribable guy. He is the one I thought was “The One.” When I met him I felt like I had always known him. I never see him, he lives miles away, but I feel like he has always been here. He gets me close to God. He is everything. From the first sentence, I had it for him. Whatever “it” is. Being with him is warmth, listening to him sing and talking to him was heaven, watching him. Breathing him in. I breathe Chad. He changed me in many ways. I hope. I hope. I hoped for Chad. I learned what true love is. Sex? All my angels please go to work on this one: I don’t know that I will ever have sex with him. He was “saving it for God.” He did however this interesting wall move that I will never forget and there is also the candlewax incident and many bathroom/shower sessions with “Chad Lee.” Another jerk though, this one would talk to girls online while he and his best friend were living with me in my apartment. Is there a pattern here?

Yotam Ginzberg: Yotam was a hard nosed NYC mover transplant from Israel with a great smile and witty sarcastic humor who after meeting me in my music studio, carried me 6 blocks in the pouring rain to a Chinese restaurant so I wouldn’t get my Chucks wet. The night I met him we quickly became “involved” for a year. I didn’t trust him though and I always was jealous of girls he was “friends with/talking to”. Sex with him was very hot, steamy and heavy. We had sex all the time and as often as possible. We made pink linguini; we had a lot of verbal abuse and later physical abuse ended our relationship. His younger brother came to visit from Israel and he slapped me in the face on the train as his brother mentioned he should, (what the fuck was up in that family that that was an acceptable suggestion/response?) and things were never the same after that. He broke up with me because he did not want to go to abuse counseling and he had been talking on email to his now current gf. Good luck to her, I say!

John Cervini: At first poetic and seemingly wistful and romantic, he wrote me words of adoration and true fucking melt your heart poetry. A musician from Queens, he was a player in every sense of the word. This guy is scum. I never trusted him as far as I could throw him and with good reason because he showed that he never could be. He practically raped me the first time we were even attempting to get physical. He was the biggest asshole and loser I have ever met. He now has a baby girl and is currently probably cheating on his gf with someone else.

Josh Kane: Drummer. This is how I think of him. Pounding my pussy like he did the drums. Ah that massage, ah the fireplace. Ah my body and how it could bend all the way backwards in those days. I was too into this guy and he was too into himself and another girl. I should have known better. But we had fucking awesome times together. His jokes, his wit, were bar none. I went to see Anchorman with him and laughed and hee hawed and actually kicked shit, and he still wanted to date me (fuck me?). lol. I warmed to him quick but I was totally clingy and couldn’t understand the concept of “space” yet.

Gordon Nelson-White: My little selfish bastard of privilege boyfriend. He was cool, funny and sarcastic,(as they all are, the pattern is completing by this time, eyes WERE somewhat opening) He has a lot of money, lives in MD and I travel to see his ass and he travels to see me. We have a LD relationship of sarcasm, verbal abuse, expensive dinners, male privilege and sex, sex, sex! Gordo Rockets and I had great sex! He was a dirty, coking, drinking, Jon Stewart loving wanna be film maker with a ungodly obsession of Stanley Kubrick. We had a great time in FL, and on Valentine’s. We stayed together for a year and half. He likes a finger in the ass and I poured wine on my body while sliding it in. God that was hot! I am hot. Speaking of hot, I burned my leg to the bone, and because it coincided with his ski trip to Seattle, he left me for the trip and his mother drove 400 miles to care for me instead – he called me maybe 3 times. Another one I always accused of cheating, he was a fucking flirt and he ideally wanted to fuck everything that moved before he died.

Ed: A Sid Vicious look a like. Jesus! This guy was insane. I was waay drunk. Yelling at me, smoking like a chimney, breaking glass and screaming into the microphone, moving like a injured wolf/kangaroo onstage. I thought he had some kind of retardation until he actually started talking.

Brandon Nelson: Another star fucker or just a boy that was a fucker in Los Angeles. This boy reeked of arrogance and destruction when I met him. I was completely disgusted by him and did not give him the time of day. He gave off this eerie Charles Manson type charm. I had fled my hurt from NY to CA from Gordon and a couple months of ONS. As luck would have it and past experience, I warmed to him over a drug scare and too little sleep from jetlag. Then I fell for him. I moved to CA for him and it was the worst and best thing I have ever done. He looked like Anthony and acted like a fucking sociopath and I guess this was the lesson I needed to learn in life. Not only are there boys out there that would fuck me over in a relationship (cheating or lying) but I could also tie myself to someone and get completely fucked over in life (credit destroyed, name blemished, records fucked with, cops, guns and gang violence, evictions, car liens, drug dealers). This guy took what little self respect, self love, and confidence I actually had. This drug dealing, lying, borrows from Peter to pay Paul loser fucking ruined my life. I also became addicted to World of Warcraft during this time and spent 2 years of my life doing nothing with this guy while he fucking smoked weed, slobbered, lazily didn’t work, didn’t clean and could only get it up with a dick in his ass. He was a narcissistic psycho that is incapable of feeling anything for anyone else. The sex was just like him, nice at first.

Chris: Chris. Jesus for such a big package you sure did pack a small wallop. Not true, I just always wanted to say that. You were my second and last fattie. I learned so much from our relationship. We had a verbally abusive relationship AND a physically abusive one. I actually beat you up. I am sorry. This relationship my eyes were fully OPENED and I learned a lot about me and my own past.

Another ass lover, you loved it in the ass. I enjoyed thoroughly our sex when it was good, it was fucking really good. I moved to CA for Brandon but I stayed there for you. You lied. You emotionally cheated on me, yet you took care of me when I needed someone, all to get in these pants. You cooked for me, and gave me great massages. When you started going to abuse counseling and the NA meetings, there were times in our relationship when I felt you could have been “The One” and I would have been faithful to your ugly ass but no, instead you decided to look at other women, continue lying and keep being a pothead. You were a fucking polarization of relationship hell and heaven. I guess we were that together. I really loved you the way an adult loves. I just wanted you to not be selfish, to stop doing drugs and stop looking around for other women to fuck and love just me, but you couldn’t and that is why I had to leave you. You wanted me to stop being abusive, to trust you completely after you (and everyone else) had cheated and to just be a generally happy and healthy person.

OK after re-reading this I know I am crazy like, yeah! UPDATE > 2007 After rereading this I know that I have always believed no one would ever love me and so I got exactly that. I also know that I chose those assholes on purpose and because I grew up with abuse it is exactly what I was used to with Daddy and gravitated to in adulthood. After Chris, I will be actively trying to choose differently. I have learned a lot.

The 20 "Can do's" of Success & Enhancing Relationships?

http://krestinegacula.blogspot.com/2008/07/20-cans-of-success.html

The Best things I have read today..

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her. ♥"

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6"

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...."

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

"HOW TO SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS
‘To become a man is not easy’ is a popular saying. This is because boys are born, but men are consciously made. Being a male is a matter of birth, but being a man is a matter of choice. There are a number of characteristics that make a man. Maturity is one of them.

I read about a man who epitomised maturity in my Bible study today, and I must confess I was really humbled by the time I finished reading the passage. It’s my honour to share the insights with you. Please meet Mr Boaz, the son of Salmon and Rahab (a former harlot):

Ruth 3:7-17
7 And after Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was cheerful, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of grain; and she came softly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. 8 Now it happened at midnight that the man was startled, and turned himself; and there, a woman was lying at his feet. 9 And he said, “Who are you?” So she answered, “I am Ruth, your maidservant. Take your maidservant under your wing, for you are a close relative.” 10 Then he said, “Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter! For you have shown more kindness at the end than at the beginning, in that you did not go after young men, whether poor or rich. 11 And now, my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you all that you request, for all the people of my town know that you are a virtuous woman. 12 Now it is true that I am a close relative; however, there is a relative closer than I. 13 Stay this night, and in the morning it shall be that if he will perform the duty of a close relative for you—good; let him do it. But if he does not want to perform the duty for you, then I will perform the duty for you, as the LORD lives! Lie down until morning.” 14 So she lay at his feet until morning, and she arose before one could recognize another. Then he said, “Do not let it be known that the woman came to the threshing floor.” 15 Also he said, “Bring the shawl that is on you and hold it.” And when she held it, he measured six ephahs of barley, and laid it on her. Then she went into the city. 16 When she came to her mother-in-law, she said, “Is that you, my daughter?” Then she told her all that the man had done for her. 17 And she said, “These six ephahs of barley he gave me; for he said to me, ‘Do not go empty-handed to your mother-in-law.’”

A Boaz-like man does not use the alibi of alcohol, loneliness or other forms of inducement to seduce a woman. Boaz was drunk that night, but he didn’t use that as an excuse to lure Ruth to bed. He retained his sanity even in his drunkenness.

A Boaz-like man does not take undue advantage of a woman in the night. It was late in the cold night that Boaz woke up to see Ruth lying by his feet, but he did not use that as an excuse to sleep with her.

A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman when she is alone with him. Note that they were both alone at the place that Boaz slept, but he did not capitalise on that to have his way with her.

A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s weakness/inability to satisfy his own amorous desire. Ruth couldn’t have mustered enough strength to resist Boaz if he had decided to sleep with her, but that did not make him do it.

A Boaz-like man does not fulfil his own selfish desires at the expense of a woman. Ruth was poor, needy, and a widow. But Boaz did not because of that satisfy his manly urge on her, after all she won’t have minded and nobody would have known.

A Boaz-like man does not use a woman’s words as an excuse to satisfy his desire on her. Note that Ruth herself said some words that could be termed as “invitation to play” to Boaz. But he did not use that as an ignition key to go wild.

A Boaz-like man is patient in disposition and speaks kindly to a woman, no matter what she does wrongly. Boaz did not attempt to establish his piety/chastity by lambasting Ruth for seducing him. On the contrary, he was very gentle with her and helped her to realise why he wouldn’t do what she requested of him. He did it in such a way that she did not feel bad and went away with her shoulders sagged in shame for being too forward.

A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s ignorance and naivety. Ruth did not know the full meaning of the words she said to Boaz. In addition, she was a foreigner who did not know the custom of the Israelites, Boaz could have capitalised on these two factors to take advantage of her, but he didn’t.

A Boaz-like man does not capitalise on a woman’s attraction, liking or predilection to/for him to have his way with her, under the guise that she is a willing participant. Boaz did not use Ruth’s allure as an excuse to sleep with her.

A Boaz-like man does the right thing by a woman and does not pursue a personal agenda. Boaz was a single man himself, with all the urges of a full-blooded man, but he did not because of that stake his clam to Ruth immediately - even while she was willing. On the contrary, he said there was someone else who had greater claim to her as a relative than him. And that person should have her, not him.

A Boaz-like man protects a woman’s dignity, no matter the frailness of her state. Boaz respected the dignity of Ruth by not touching her, allowing her to stay the night, and sending her away very early the next morning before people get to see her and tongues begin to wag.

A Boaz-like man is self-assured. Boaz did not allow the tension of the moment to becloud his personality, particularly his generosity. He still scooped a generous measure of wheat for Ruth and her Naomi, her mother-in-law.

A Boaz-like man is proactive. Naomi testified to this by saying he wouldn’t rest until the matter is settled. And true to type, he didn’t. He sought to settle the issue of Ruth’s future and security by calling on the elders of the land to do the needful and right thing by her. (Check chapter 4)

Here I pause my submission for now. I’m sure you will glean more insights if you take time to read and meditate on the passage yourself.

Being a man like Boaz – an epitome of dignity and maturity – is no child’s play. May the LORD help us men to be much more. And may He help the womenfolk to separate the man from the boys.

Thanks for reading."
http://macbethology.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-separate-men-from-boys.html

Signal Faded - "'I've Got a Confession"

I have been set free with the truth! I cannot say, words cannot express how happy I am right now. Warning this is prob gonna be a long post.

I talked to Chris yesterday and he and I had been foolishly trying to get back together/ After we had broken up on 3/26 and then didn't talk or see one another again until 6/15. I said I was going to take it slow but did not and we again rushed into being together. In retrospect, we also rushed back into our previous problems without really building a new friendship over time at all. All in just one month. Thats 4 weeks, and yet expecting overnight changes on both our ends. During that time 6/17 (hanging up), 6/29 (brain damage), 7/12 (delusional) and 7/15 (Paige/our past/his decision of trust/my needing his pure honesty) issues cropped.

Anyway, last night God put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his past and his present. He realized I do not deserve to be cheated on. To give a recap..last Saturday, 7/19, Chris and I had a long talk and he said he was ashamed and guilty of the things from the past he had done to me and really was not sure that he wanted to be together. Then Sunday after church he said he did want to be together and try and said he felt positive we could work it out. Monday we did not see each other. I gave up my needs for his (he was feeling very sad about work stuff) and left him alone to grieve then went to comfort him after learning about validation.

Tuesday I barely spoke to him during the day and at night I came over and asked to review the past so we could move on with the truth for our future. If he can give me this I would give him the benefit of the doubt moving forward and after going back and getting the dirty I would not bring up our past or his mistakes again so he could feel trusted and good and I could get over it. I didn't want to make anymore assumptions and I wanted to "clear the air" as it were. However, the night as I was going through it all, instead of being supportive and understanding that I needed this and that he had hurt me, he got angry and abusive with me, hurt me more and so I left crying and thinking he does not really want to do this and move on and he doesn't love me anymore to even try. However, I found out later he stayed completely silent as I was crying and expressing myself because he felt he didn't have anything nice to say which I appreciated.

Wednesday I did not call him because I was hurt from his actions the night before, and I did not hear from him all day and then saw him at mini-church where I didn't think he wanted to talk to me, or be with me or see me (I was still waiting on an answer from him on whether were going to try to be together or not) so I left him alone and tried to be distantly friendly instead of angry.

Thursday I again did not hear from him. He spent the day working, then surfing and hanging out with his friend without contacting me still to apologize (I already felt so bad from the prior days) or even to ask to see me on Friday or Saturday so we could spend time and work it out. I was saddened that Chris didn't want to be around me or see me and I tried reaching out to talk to him all night, to no avail, he did not answer his phone. I got hurt by this and resigned myself to go to sleep crying.

Friday morning I called him to tell him how I felt and ask what the hell was going on and he said "I am tired of you and this relationship." "I don't have time for this" "We always talk for too long - it's been 42 minutes" "I don't need this shit anymore" "I don't want to be your boyfriend". I went into a tailspin at this and later after some other life things occurred became depressed, suicidal and probably would have stayed that way until..

Chris called me later in the evening and told me he had evidence that he doesn't want to be with me and apologized for Tuesday night. He confessed to me the truth. I found out that Chris (while I was feeling sad, hurt, dejected and wanting to work on us, thinking he needed time to figure things out) propositioned a girl on Thursday night at the pool hall while he was playing pool with Ray. He actually actively went up and tried to pick up a girl to befriend and to be more. Prior to this he had done this only online with sex sites and at work, however now he did it in person. =( He said to me this is a compulsion of his and that he didn't want to control it at the time or know why he does it but it isn't Christian and it isn't right to do to me and he has realized that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. He doesn't get his needs met by me and also admitted he doesn't meet mine (my needs are being faithful, being honest, being mostly nice, being supportive, being off drugs, calling about 2x a day and seeing one another at least 3x a week). I asked him what were his needs and he said he did not know. He said he doesn't know what he wants right now and that he doesn't feel he even has a relationship with God or himself to get to the place where we could ever be together. I asked him what I can do and he said there is nothing I can do. "We are just not compatible and it's time for us to see the writing on the wall. We have tried for more than a year."

At first, I was destroyed by all this information. "Again!", I thought. "he did it to me again!" "I am just not good enough for him to be with only me!" Then... this was replaced with calm and satisfaction that he was honest with me and had told me everything he felt. The sadness subsided into conviction and I then felt...nothing. I realized at that point, this is what God was trying to tell me on Saturday night as I lay there awake while watching him sleep, wondering where I went wrong and why I couldn't be loved by him. I then asked Chris if this is how he is going to continue this behavior and he said "Yes probably". This is what God has been telling me and us all along. Chris will not be true to me, for whatever reason. AND...it's ok because at least he has finally told me the truth. He has let me go knowing the truth! I can go without wondering the what if's and with no more lies to be unfolded or figured out!

It felt so good to hear! I cannot say hurt and yet ultimately happy I was afterward! It was validation of my feelings and fears. It was needing to hear everything I needed to hear. I will never be his #1. He will not be with me and does not want me. His honesty was enough to make me see what I could not all along because everything was hidden by lies and half-truths and his desire to have me and others. I do not want to be in that relationship or with Chris. I want a man I can be friends with, trust, who respects me, and loves me and desires Christ, wants only me and is capable of self-control. I know now that God is really on my side! He has shown this to me and let me see and hear the truth finally. He has shown this to us, because he wants me to get closer to Him and he does not want me to hurt anymore! I think he wants Chris to get closer to Him as well. He has put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his feelings for me and what he has done. I am so so so happy. I am so so so thankful!

I woke up this am to give PRAISE TO GOD FOR LOVING ME! FOR FREEING ME! FOR GIVING ME A LIFT! FOR WANTING THE BEST FOR ME!

Verse of HOPEIsaiah Chap 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalms 120+ 121
I call on the LORD in my distress,and he answers me.
Save me, O LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
What will he do to you, and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,with burning coals of the broom tree.
Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech, that I live among the tents of Kedar!
Too long have I lived among those who hate peace.
I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A VERSE FOR DISTRESS
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, the additional wisdom of the break up bcuz its broken book, some excerpts:
"Though he may say he cares and may say he wants to be "friends", ultimately he does not want to be together and he does not really want to talk to you. He will "miss you" with having no intention of getting back together. "Breaking up with someone sucks, but once you get past the initial guilt, the overwhelming feeling is relief." This is how he feels. So while you want to know what he is thinking and the who's/why's its probably this: "he feels kinda bad about hurting your feelings, he might miss you sometimes, and even think of calling but ultimately he is relieved that it is over." "He is moving on and you deserve to also!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson remains "Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

Todays thoughts

Not contacting Chris today, or tomorrow or any day until he actually makes an action toward saying he wants to apologize, wants to re-build the trust and he wants to share the truth with me and is ready to do so. He knows what I want and what I need to move on. He either will or wont. Not with words, with actions.

If his actions are to "just leave it alone" or "focus in the now" as he is fond of, as they have been in the past or to ignore us and focus on himself and his desires, future, and wants, then that is his choice.

I need to let go and let God.


UPDATE - I went back on my own words. I contacted him and asked why he had not called me today. He calmly stated he was working out, was going surfing and would make food and call me back. He has not contacted me since and there has been no call. There has been no mention of him saying I am sorry. There has been no bringing up the issue I told him was important to me. I think realistically, this is a person who may think he loves me but just doesn't love me enough to care when he hurts me or hopes that I will forget and that it will just go away. This person is too consumed with themselves to be with me and to rebuild anything they have destroyed.

I do not know why I continue to do this to myself? I keep trying to fix things and I am with someone who hurts me without remorse and just continues to talk, talk, talk and not back up their actions. I should not have to remind someone they hurt me and force them to apologize or want to work things out. I should not always have to be the one bringing up things that are important to me TIME AFTER TIME. IF I AM IMPORTANT TO THEM, THEY WOULD WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.

I really hate feeling this way. I think God is telling me that no, this is not the one and that I need to let this go. It's time to listen, because truly I have been unable to do this on my own. My forgiveness time and again has allowed this person to keep hurting me. I do not think this is what Jesus would want or God. I pray God gives me the strength to let go. Please help me to let go Lord.

Invalidation

Last night a friend was upset and I tried to calm him through it, used words to "cheer him" up, and/or just quietly listen to him, I offered "advice" or so I thought, but he was very sad, felt worthless and hopeless and like a failure and just did not want to talk and felt really bad. So much so that he just wanted to isolate and based on the things I said (I reread them) he possibly wanted to isolate more. No wonder he wanted to smoke. No one likes to feel that way! I was in essence at first telling him to get over it, it isnt so bad, and that he should not feel that way! I didn't know it at the time though. He wanted to get high and run away from it but thought the better for himself. I am so proud of him for this.

However, I realized after reading the below info, I did not help the situation and I very often do this invalidation with my language and he does it to me. Wow! He needed something from me that I have never received myself, real validation of those bad feelings of his. Even though I have never received this and have heard the below most of my life, I went to him last night intent on validating him from this point on. Telling him I understand why and how he would feel that way and that if he wanted to talk about it I would listen. I left it at that.

I was able to give validation to him only AFTER I actually put myself there (and tried to understand his actual feeling) and understood the concept I realized it then and there. However, I think it was too late for that time but now that I know it, I can try to make sure it does not happen again. That i dont let anyone do that to me anymore and that I also don't do it to someone else. People do this to kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME then wonder why we're like this when we grow up.

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#The%20Invalidating%20Couple

Invalidation in apologies - http://1stholistic.com/Reading/health/health-im-sorry-blame-game-or-accountability.htm



Here are some excerpts - one by one they don't hurt but taken together and over time..
they are demoralizing and hurtful to someone who is already hurting. They crush and destroy people and relationships. This is also categorized under "verbal abuse".

Examples of invalidating expressions. --> Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally

Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.

Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you. (but I am listening to you)
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.

Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.

Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago. You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
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When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.

The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.

HERE IS HOW TO VALIDATE SOMEONE
No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.

It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?

Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.
I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over'...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away every pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept.

Accepting loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve...No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.

Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life..and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.

Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever...and that I have ruined my life..forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy..I need it.

My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.

I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in ANY event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve..to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life.

If your friend is hurting..if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT..let them feel it..validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong..'feelings' are not wrong! The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.

What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.

And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.

If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all..it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?

I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.

They see and feel what they see and feel, and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices' don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are.-and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...

Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.

Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers. Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it and if you give them the hurtful advice/words that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.

You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.

To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.

As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.

If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive - they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.

So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you, their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.

And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.

No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.

It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the person, place, memory, thing is gone. Please be respectful of that. Everyone needs time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.

Nothing anyone says will make it go away. Nothing will make a friend in pain feel better, except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk". Be a friend...

Mo' Blessings

7/19/08
I am grateful that I am wise enough to accept God's will for me
I am grateful for the sun that shines on me
I am grateful for prayer and chances to give Jesus and God glory
I am grateful for Chris's honesty with me about his past (should he choose an "us")
I am grateful about seeing progress in my life however slowly it seems to me
I am grateful for church and today's sermon on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in God's kingdom as opposed to temporary American ideals
I am grateful for my hearts health
I am grateful I can still walk, breathe and help others
I am grateful for life lessons on trust, boundaries, commitments and selfless love
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes through consequence
I am grateful for my faith
I am grateful for my family

My prayers have been answered in regards to Chris (though we do not know if we are ever going to be together), my family and meeting new people. I am proceeding with caution and love in all things...

As I watched my videos with him in them and the time frames that they were in (remembering our past) I realize what a asshole to me he was a lot of the time when I was so obviously nice to him and how much I would not like him if I hadn't already loved/fell for him.

However, that is the past. He is working on changes so we will see how that pans out for him and us overall. I will keep no record of those wrongs or bring these things up to him. I do still care for him very much and hope the best for him. I look at a sea of other men and wonder will one day one of these be my new "love"? I have had many...so many. It would be great if he could be my last and it last.

My goals for this year are: (in no order)
get my degree (in what? I don't know yet..)
go to Europe
missionary work - helping others abroad
learn a new language
create another music album
sell another jingle/commercial
spend time with family
determine who I am, what I want, and find my life's path and GO FOR IT, HARDCORE once I do.

Kinda feeling down

I have not smoked a cigarette in like 4 days and its getting to me. I am feeling irritable. I am also job hunting in which I am being rejected at every turn. Fun times. Not really, not at all. I am praying to God and doing the best I can.

Thinking of a healthy safe pick me up to engage in that won't cost me a lot of money today.

Oh and my back is hurting and I am having trouble sitting, ONCE more. This is additionally frustrating because I don't understand how this all keeps happening and for what purpose yet? It seems once I begin to get better something happens (physically) that will push me back to square one with my body. Why can I not heal and get strong?

Writing helps me release feelings and frustrations, thats why I do it. One might see it as complaining however to me it is beneficial and I really don't care what another one sees it as. At least I am able to let my frustrated feelings out at all. Some people aren't, then they go on shooting sprees and wonder what they are so mad about.

I have another interview at 2pm. Part of me is quite upset today but I am going to do the best I can. I stretched today and it hurt so much. I prayed and was at a loss for words.

I am being tested. This is the time when you do not feel God's presence and you must make the choice to serve regardless. To love regardless. To do His will regardless. This is hard for me right now but I know He will never give me more than I can handle.

Here is my feelings check in for today.
How am I feeling?
sad
afraid
rejected
confused
unmotivated
nurturing
bruised
vulnerable

Why? What caused this feeling?
Sad- I feel sad becasue I still dont know what I want to do. I dont know what I am doing? Am I going backward or forward? I feel sad because I am in pain and jobless once more. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF?

Afraid- I feel afraid because I don't want to make a mistake. I dont want to keep making the same dangerous choices.

Rejected- I feel rejected because I am opening myself up and putting myself out there and I'm not finiding a job as quickly as I need to. I keep getting "No" and I am taking it personal.

Confused- As I said above. I just dont know what I'm doing right now. My plan is not working the way I wanted and I dont know how to get on track.

Unmotivated- I feel like I want to give up! Where the hell did this come from? I dont know why I am feeling this but I know its not really an option in the sense of striving. Letting go of the outcome expectation is ok right now tho.

Nurturing- I just want to care for myself right now. I want to nurse myself and be good to myself. Do healthy things and get through this with self-love. I need self-nurturing and outer supportive people.

Bruised- my body hurts. Neck, back, now arm!? Ugh. I feel weak. I feel broken, AGAIN.

Vulnerable- I need to be careful with Chris and others I let in at this time.
Not push people away but careful and very cautious. I am in a sensitive place right now, I don't need ANY abuse or controllers.

With that I am going to post silly pictures..

A couple thoughts before preparation

Well, I am writing to update myself and (you) on my current happenings within the brain this week. Here they are:
10)I am job hunting until I find something I really enjoy.
9) I am preparing to leave to DR.
8) I am extending my rental lease.
7) I am extending my car sublease.
6) I am going to continue writing songs.
5) I am going to keep focus on God and myself the most during this time of change.
4) Chris in moderation is great.
3) I am going to stay in CA and get my degree and prepare to move from NY.
2) I am going to continue to work on myself and attend my 12 step step study until Nov.
1) I am going to stay out of a relationship for as long as it takes to learn new things.

They are:
1) conflict management
2) past issues to resolve
3) practice loving arguments
4) confident that abuse is ended in my life
5) confidence in my own abilities and goals
6) meet someone worthy of being with me lovingly, trustworthy, and compassionately consistent.

I'm sorry

After so many times of abuse and hurt to me, I still care for this man. He was my close friend, lover, confidant, as well as my terror. I am hoping over the years he will be able to rid himself of his demons and I mine so that we can just be the first 3 someday without fear and hurt as a part of our fabric. We will be apart and learning about God and ourselves, and loving from afar with newer eyes..

I am sorry too, and I love you.

Day 1

Once again I want to call him. Will this ever end completely? There are usually things, weird things I like to share with him. I did speak to him earlier today. It seemed like I started talking excitedly about God and he said goodbye. Unless I ask him I will never know, "does this bother you? When I get excited and the way I share my feelings and talk about God?" or did you just want to/have to get off the phone?

He said he just needed to get off the phone.

Can we expect others to only feel as we deem they should and when? I think that is wrong, very wrong. I have thought about this and I am going to try to allow him to express his frustrations more. However, I will not allow him to hurt me or blame me for them. One thing is feeling something and expressing it, another is holding it in and then later dumping it all on another person. Another thing is holding it in and or getting fucked up so you don't have to feel it or take responsibility for your choices and methods. Another thing is feeling (and trying to) to control the others persons feelings so they dont feel or show what you dont want to experience within yourself. Denying their experience, feelings or reality for them with language as you secretly deny your own.

Today Eric is going to teach me how to clean our grill. I am quite excited. Can we say friendly BBQ coming up? I think I am going to begin the talk with him of where we are going in the future and is he interested in having me stay here for a longer period on a longer term contract? I will tell him of my plans to get work and go to school part time. Get those credits goin!

I do want to learn all I can about this grill and its capabilities. I am always interested in moving machine parts. Sometimes I think I really should have been a computer mechanic.

I'm not sure if I am depressed today? I don't feel particularly terrible but I read the Bible and then just.. went to sleep until 5pm. Not something I normally do...I dreamt of Brian (my other rooomate, who I am having a communication issue with) and us arguing. I'll keep an eye on all these little feelings of mine over the week. Perhaps a little endorphins light work out and walk can help with the stress part tonight.

Another 60 days

Chris wants me to not talk to him or contact him for 60 days. My thinking and hoping for an "us" hurts him, he said. He wants it to be over. He did not say that but I think that is what he wants. He said 60 days but he really meant an undecided amount of time because he does not know how long he wants to not contact me for. He said he does not want to be in my life like this. He does not want this friendship and doesn't want a relationship with me. He said he does now know why he keeps hurting me and does not want to do it anymore.

He has been reading his Bible and he has been going to my church. I am not to have anything to do with him, he requests. He wrote on his board as a reminder "S hurts you" and "S's love hurts. S's LOVE is the BEST." I saw this and ran away... I was quite hurt by this.

I am sad but he asked to pray to God when I miss him, and to speak to him through God and my prayers to Him. I believe it's Paige and the fact that he has decided we are bad for one another because she has told him this in their much spent platonic time together now. They are surfing together, playing on the beach, etc. Regardless, good for him if he is finding another outlet person to vent to, I guess.

I feel this is a line and a way to let go, its a good one. I suppose I am somewhat thankful that someone who hurt me as much as he did pushed me away so gently with kind words though I would prefer complete honesty. He says he is being honest, so...

So I am going to let him let me go and do my best to really let him go once and for all since I am now unwanted. He also said love was what he "felt" for me. Not feels. Felt.

Here is another 60 days..tonight I begin my Step 3. Gave our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him. I will pontificate on this after my meeting.

Arguements and Testing

holy crap.. what an eye opening test I just took! As I answered honestly I realized some faults I have with arguing. I'm going to need to really work on some of these.
Arguing Style Test
this is a 5-never / 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time

1. Even if I don’t intend to, I raise my voice when I get upset. 3
2. I refuse to be the first one to apologize after a fight. 3
3. When I argue with others, I allow old grudges to resurface. 2
4. After an argument, I am left with bitter feelings. 3
5. When I argue with my partner, we end up fighting over something completely different than what we started with. 3
6. I swear at my partner when I get upset. 3
7. I focus on finding a solution that will benefit both of us. 4
8. When my partner makes a valid point, I let him or her know that I agree. 2
9. When arguing, I focus my criticisms on what I think my partner has done wrong, not on him or her as a person. 4
10. When I realize that I was wrong, I admit it to my partner. 1

1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false

11. When we fight, I feel like I need to win. 3
12. I get defensive when my partner tells his or her side of the story. 3
13. When arguing, I prefer bringing up all the issues that are bothering me, rather than resolve them one at a time. 2
14. I tell my partner what s/he needs to do in order to fix her/his problems. 2
15. During an argument, I attack where I know it hurts. 4
16. When I am really hurt, I focus my attack on something I know my partner really cares about. 4
17. When I feel that my partner's arguments are not making any sense, I try to show her/him how ridiculous they are. 4
18. I get so furious during arguments that it is difficult to think straight. 4
19. When arguing, I bring up old issues that have already been resolved. 2
20. When we argue, I point out my partner's character flaws. 2

this is a 5-almost never/ 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time

21. When we argue, I attempt to find common ground before exploring the differences in our opinion. 4
22. When arguing, I ask my partner for her/his side of the story. 2
23. When the argument gets heated, I suggest a temporary cease-fire, a break to calm down. 3
24. Our arguments solve the issues we fight about. 4
25. When the argument is over, we make up right away. 4
26. I suggest several possible solutions to the problem. 3
27. When we argue, I focus only on one topic at a time. 4
28. I follow up with my partner after an argument to see if he or she is still happy with the outcome. 5
29. If there is something that bothers me greatly about our relationship, I let my partner know. 2


1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false

30. I encourage my partner to tell me what is bothering him/her about my behavior.4
31. I rephrase, in my own words, my partner's complaints to make sure that I understand correctly what s/he is saying. 4
32. I assure my partner that our relationship is stable despite the fight. 3
33. I validate my partner's feelings, even if I don't agree with her/his arguments. 3
34. I am understanding when my partner becomes emotional during an argument. 4
35. I feel that there can be a right way and a wrong way to fight. 1
36. I believe that my partner and I come out better people after a fight. 4
37. I think that sometimes it is necessary to fight. 3
38. My partner and I have talked about the way we fight. 4
39. I view arguments as a means to learn and grow. 4
40. I believe that, in general, arguments and fights are bad for relationships. 2
41. I believe that it is healthier to fight than to bottle up negative feelings.2
42. After an argument, I feel relieved to have gotten everything out in the
open. 2
43. I make an effort to understand my partner’s arguing style. 5

SCORE 39

Unfortunately, you usually don’t engage in arguing behaviors that could help end a fight quickly and satisfactorily for both parties. This likely draws fights out longer than necessary because of misunderstandings. By listening carefully, rephrasing what is said, looking for solutions and apologizing, you can begin to communicate more effectively with your partner. These tactics can serve to reassure your partner that you’re working together towards a common goal. Couples who rely on positive tactics when fighting improve their overall satisfaction with their relationship and are more likely to stay together.

Arguing is an indication of wanting to communicate something, usually something close to one’s heart. While many issues can be resolved through peaceful discussion, other conflicts can provoke anger, defensiveness, resentment and other strong emotions. In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. A couple can slip into old inefficient patterns every time they start arguing about an important issue. Thankfully, everyone can learn how to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently in order to achieve mutual understanding, fulfillment and deep intimacy.

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When Your Partner Isn't Perfect
Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be.
What if my partner is flawed? Everyone asks this question at some point. Really, it's hard to avoid. After the romance is long over and the business of life settles in, we start to see things that annoy us. The way he eats peanut butter straight out of the jar, the way he snorts when he laughs, even the way he walks or talks or keeps his office.

Ooh, it's so irritating. Once considered cute, these quirks are pushing you to the door. You want to call it quits unless someone changes.

The "flawed" partner is not to be confused with a bad partner. What is the difference between the two? Sure, there are partners who are hurtful - the angry, the self-destructive, the physically violent and verbally abusive. A bad partner thinks you are the cause of all his suffering. A bad partner blames and generally mistreats you. He is depressed/stressed/in trouble financially because of you, etc. Granted, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and you know when you are in one. So please, do yourself a favor and get out now.

Now, back to the "flawed." Let's start by example. You have a partner who is very forgetful. He forgets to pick up the kids. He forgets his doctor's appointment. And he forgets your lunch date. For goodness sake, he even forgot to pack his clothes for that important business trip—clothes that he neatly stacked on the bed but didn't put in the suitcase.

How could he possibly love you if he forgets everything so easily? You are at your wits end and you're ready to leave unless he changes. Let's look at this from different points of view. From anger: He must be an idiot. This is such an important business trip and he plain forgot his clothes. If it weren't for you, he would have gotten fired by now. How could he be so thoughtless?

Now it's time to try another viewpoint, suggests Byron Katie in her book, I Need Your Love-Is That True? (Harmony, 2005). From compassion: You noticed something very funny: your partner left his clothes neatly stacked on the bed. Well, you hand him the clothes. Without your goading, he feels pretty stupid on his own. Then again, he needs new clothes anyway.

It's easy to point the angry finger of blame and say: "he needs to change." But anger only clouds the real issues. Whether or not you end up leaving a relationship, it's better to make decisions when you can see clearly.

Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be. Here's the important part: Instead of trying to work on your partner and change him, work on yourself first. You'll probably discover that his flaws are not so flawed. You'll also see that the person who needs to change is you.

So stop working on him and start working on you.
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The Art of the Argument
How to fight clean—and have a productive argument, not a pointless row.
Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To
By: Anthony Wolf, Ph.D. (Ballantine)

The Promise
Fight clean: Disagree without bickering, sniping, yelling, rehashing or destroying your relationship.

One of the greatest threats to satisfying relationships, says Anthony Wolf, a practicing clinical psychologist, is our overwhelming need to be right when we disagree. This innate characteristic, which he defines as our "baby self," can damage or destroy relationships, especially with those closest to us. In his latest book, Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To, Wolf shows how we go wrong: by not letting go when we're not getting our way.

The Test
I decided to try out Wolf's theories on a recent dispute with my wife. Our children, ages 7 and 10, love watching television. If allowed, they'd sit in front of the set until their brains melted. While I try to get them to stick to time limits, my wife is more lax about enforcing these rules. I worry they're becoming TV addicts and she thinks I should cut them some slack.

But then she started letting them watch American Idol, which meant they stayed up past bedtime two school nights a week. Rather than a levelheaded conversation addressing this particular difference of opinion, the disagreement escalated into a nasty spat that dragged in other conflicts and past grievances. Filled with righteousness, I wanted not only to prove her guilty of this offense, but also of other outstanding crimes and misdemeanors, such as covert adjustments to various household budgets, using her car as a moving trash bin and helping the kids think of chocolate as a kind of daily vitamin.

Wolf's advice is to stay on subject. This was about our children and TV, not whether she overindulges them or I'm too strict or who needs more therapy. So we both had to resist claiming who was right and who was wrong, which he says is a lose/lose situation.

When my wife and I focused on the issue at hand, we realized we're both concerned about the kids turning into tube zombies. We agreed to have them watch most of their favorite programs on TiVo, eliminating commercials and cutting viewing time by 25 percent.

Wolf also says it's not always necessary to resolve an argument, but that it must end—that is to say, it's essential to let it drop. My wife and I both had to let go of the tempting but unproductive desire to get in the last word. Instead, we made sure that we each got to speak our mind. After that, the discussion was over.

While we haven't totally resolved this issue, we've had our say, listened and then disengaged. Wolf reminds us that successful arguing isn't about being right as much as feeling all right about the outcome.

The Verdict
Wolf offers helpful insights (along with wry humor) on managing our closest relationships. Although there aren't any major revelations, you can't really argue with such practical advice.
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Great Expectations
Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? Psychologists provide insight into how the never-ending search for ideal love can keep you from enjoying a marriage or a healthy relationship that you already have.
By: Polly Shulman

Marriage is dead! The twin vises of church and law have relaxed their grip on matrimony. We've been liberated from the grim obligation to stay in a poisonous or abusive marriage for the sake of the kids or for appearances. The divorce rate has stayed constant at nearly 50 percent for the last two decades. The ease with which we enter and dissolve unions makes marriage seem like a prime-time spectator sport, whether it's Britney Spears in Vegas or bimbos chasing after the Bachelor.

Long live the new marriage! We once prized the institution for the practical pairing of a cash-producing father and a home-building mother. Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. We've done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there is? Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who's better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations.

That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship. The reality is that few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts. In so doing, we subject the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It's a painful modern quandary. "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

Consider Jeremy, a social worker who married a businesswoman in his early twenties. He met another woman, a psychologist, at age 29, and after two agonizing years, left his wife for her. But it didn't work out—after four years of cohabitation, and her escalating pleas to marry, he walked out on her, as well. Jeremy now realizes that the relationship with his wife was solid and workable but thinks he couldn't have seen that 10 years ago, when he left her. "There was always someone better around the corner—and the safety and security of marriage morphed into boredom and stasis. The allure of willing and exciting females was too hard to resist," he admits. Now 42 and still single, Jeremy acknowledges, "I hurt others, and I hurt myself."

Like Jeremy, many of us either dodge the decision to commit or commit without fully relinquishing the right to keep looking—opting for an arrangement psychotherapist Terrence Real terms "stable ambiguity." "You park on the border of the relationship, so you're in it but not of it," he says. There are a million ways to do that: You can be in a relationship but not be sure it's really the right one, have an eye open for a better deal or something on the side, choose someone impossible or far away.


Yet commitment and marriage offer real physical and financial rewards. Touting the benefits of marriage may sound like conservative policy rhetoric, but nonpartisan sociological research backs it up: Committed partners have it all over singles, at least on average. Married people are more financially stable, according to Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago and a coauthor of The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off. Both married men and married women have more assets on average than singles; for women, the differential is huge.

The benefits go beyond the piggy bank. Married people, particularly men, tend to live longer than people who aren't married. Couples also live better: When people expect to stay together, says Waite, they pool their resources, increasing their individual standard of living. They also pool their expertise—in cooking, say, or financial management. In general, women improve men's health by putting a stop to stupid bachelor tricks and bugging their husbands to exercise and eat their vegetables. Plus, people who aren't comparing their partners to someone else in bed have less trouble performing and are more emotionally satisfied with sex. The relationship doesn't have to be wonderful for life to get better, says Waite: The statistics hold true for mediocre marriages as well as for passionate ones.

The pragmatic benefits of partnership used to be foremost in our minds. The idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness is relatively new, says Paul Amato, professor of sociology, demography and family studies at Penn State University. Surveys of high school and college students 50 or 60 years ago found that most wanted to get married in order to have children or own a home. Now, most report that they plan to get married for love. This increased emphasis on emotional fulfillment within marriage leaves couples ill-prepared for the realities they will probably face.

Because the early phase of a relationship is marked by excitement and idealization, "many romantic, passionate couples expect to have that excitement forever," says Barry McCarthy, a clinical psychologist and coauthor—with his wife, Emily McCarthy—of Getting It Right the First Time: How to Build a Healthy Marriage. Longing for the charged energy of the early days, people look elsewhere or split up.

Flagging passion is often interpreted as the death knell of a relationship. You begin to wonder whether you're really right for each other after all. You're comfortable together, but you don't really connect the way you used to. Wouldn't it be more honest—and braver—to just admit that it's not working and call it off? "People are made to feel that remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice," says Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist.

Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. "It's a recent historical event that people expect to get so much from individual partners," says Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony, in which he advises couples in lackluster marriages to stick it out—especially if they have kids. "There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal."

Michaela, 28, was drawn to Bernardo, 30, in part because of their differences: She'd grown up in European boarding schools, he fought his way out of a New York City ghetto. "Our backgrounds made us more interesting to each other," says Michaela. "I was a spoiled brat, and he'd been supporting himself from the age of 14, which I admired." Their first two years of marriage were rewarding, but their fights took a toll. "I felt that because he hadn't grown up in a normal family, he didn't grasp basic issues of courtesy and accountability," says Michaela. They were temperamental opposites: He was a screamer, and she was a sulker. She recalls, "After we fought, I needed to be drawn out of my corner, but he took that to mean that I was a cold bitch." Michaela reluctantly concluded that the two were incompatible.

In fact, argue psychologists and marital advocates, there's no such thing as true compatibility. "Marriage is a disagreement machine," says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "All couples disagree about all the same things. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight." Discord springs eternal over money, kids, sex and leisure time, but psychologist John Gottman has shown that long-term, happily married couples disagree about these things just as much as couples who divorce.

"There is a mythology of 'the wrong person,'" agrees Pittman. "All marriages are incompatible. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things. The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your own."

The realization that we're not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it's downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. "The paradox of intimacy is that our ability to stay close rests on our ability to tolerate solitude inside a relationship," he says. "A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for—and think we deserve—perfection." We can hardly be blamed for striving for bliss and self-fulfillment in our romantic lives—our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the first blueprint of American society.

This same respect for our own needs spurred the divorce-law reforms of the 1960s and 1970s. During that era, "The culture shifted to emphasize individual satisfaction, and marriage was part of that," explains Paul Amato, who has followed more than 2,000 families for 20 years in a long-term study of marriage and divorce. Amato says that this shift did some good by freeing people from abusive and intolerable marriages. But it had an unintended side effect: encouraging people to abandon relationships that may be worth salvaging. In a society hell-bent on individual achievement and autonomy, working on a difficult relationship may get short shrift, says psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Should You Leave?

"So much of what we learn has to do with the self, the ego, rather than giving over the self to things like a relationship," Kramer says. In our competitive world, we're rewarded for our individual achievements rather than for how we help others. We value independence over cooperation, and sacrifices for values like loyalty and continuity seem foolish. "I think we get the divorce rate that we deserve as a culture."

The steadfast focus on our own potential may turn a partner into an accessory in the quest for self-actualization, says Maggie Robbins, a therapist in New York City. "We think that this person should reflect the beauty and perfection that is the inner me—or, more often, that this person should compensate for the yuckiness and mess that is the inner me," says Robbins. "This is what makes you tell your wife, 'Lose some weight—you're making me look bad,' not 'Lose some weight, you're at risk for diabetes.'"

Michaela was consistently embarrassed by Bernardo's behavior when they were among friends. "He'd become sullen and withdrawn—he had a shifty way of looking off to the side when he didn't want to talk. I felt like it reflected badly on me," she admits. Michaela left him and is now dating a wealthy entrepreneur. "I just thought there had to be someone else out there for me."

The urge to find a soul mate is not fueled just by notions of romantic manifest destiny. Trends in the workforce and in the media create a sense of limitless romantic possibility. According to Scott South, a demographer at SUNY-Albany, proximity to potential partners has a powerful effect on relationships. South and his colleagues found higher divorce rates among people living in communities or working in professions where they encounter lots of potential partners—people who match them in age, race and education level. "These results hold true not just for unhappy marriages but also for happy ones," says South.

The temptations aren't always living, breathing people. According to research by psychologists Sara Gutierres and Douglas Kenrick, both of Arizona State University, we find reasonably attractive people less appealing when we've just seen a hunk or a hottie—and we're bombarded daily by images of gorgeous models and actors. When we watch Lord of the Rings, Viggo Mortensen's kingly mien and Liv Tyler's elfin charm can make our husbands and wives look all too schlumpy.

Kramer sees a similar pull in the narratives that surround us. "The number of stories that tell us about other lives we could lead—in magazine articles, television shows, books—has increased enormously. We have an enormous reservoir of possibilities," says Kramer.

And these possibilities can drive us to despair. Too many choices have been shown to stymie consumers, and an array of alternative mates is no exception. In an era when marriages were difficult to dissolve, couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples, for whom divorce is a clear option, according to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

While we expect marriage to be "happily ever after," the truth is that for most people, neither marriage nor divorce seem to have a decisive impact on happiness. Although Waite's research shows that married people are happier than their single counterparts, other studies have found that after a couple years of marriage, people are just about as happy (or unhappy) as they were before settling down. And assuming that marriage will automatically provide contentment is itself a surefire recipe for misery.

"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married," says Pittman. "When you are all the way in your marriage, you are free to do useful things, become a better person." A committed relationship allows you to drop pretenses and seductions, expose your weaknesses, be yourself—and know that you will be loved, warts and all. "A real relationship is the collision of my humanity and yours, in all its joy and limitations," says Real. "How partners handle that collision is what determines the quality of their relationship."

Such a down-to-earth view of marriage is hardly romantic, but that doesn't mean it's not profound: An authentic relationship with another person, says Pittman, is "one of the first steps toward connecting with the human condition—which is necessary if you're going to become fulfilled as a human being." If we accept these humble terms, the quest for a soul mate might just be a noble pursuit after all.