Doormat seeks muddy boots - (This used to be me. Aww. =( )
Date: 2008-07-10, 12:20PM PDT
Do you have a drinking/drug problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you:
-fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong
-make "ironic" racist jokes
-are a spoiled-ass mama's boy
-have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am)
-hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics)
-understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place
-use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny"
Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you. I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!!
WITH THAT SAID - SHE GOT A NEW ATTITUDE! READ BELOW AND REJOICE WITH ME!
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then..heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is....Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is YOU. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. NEVER let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You CANNOT change a man's behavior. Change comes from WITHIN. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, NOTHING more NOTHING less. Never let a man define who you are. NEVER EVER borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. When a man always knows where you are, and you're seen as always readily available to him - he is an idiot and he takes it for granted. NEVER fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need from a relationship.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tonight was ROUGH! Character Traits
I am working on Step 4 in my Step Study and tonight was a little harsh. I think this Step may be the hardest and the most leave-you-feeling-vulnerable one. This Step is about honesty, true honesty with yourself about things you just dont want to admit to. It is a moral inventory.
After working on it for the last 2 weeks I decided I am also going to do a positive character traits/strengths as that doesnt get much attention but is also part of me.
The ones I value are below. taken from http://www.newhope.bc.ca/02-02-09.htm
---------------------------------------------------
Our character is what we are. The dictionary defines character as the ways a person feels, thinks or acts. It is moral firmness, the expression of positive qualities in our lives. Life teaches us to accentuate the negative and overlook or be blind to the positive in others.
The Bible teaches us to bless people with the 5A's of Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval and Attention.
The Devil hates people who speak the five A's of blessing so he gets us to speak words of cursing from his deadly six pack of curse words. They are Degrading, Derisive, Derogatory, Destructive, Displeasing and Disapproving words and looks.
The following are some suggested ways to use this exercise:
1. Use it to gain a deeper appreciation of people you associate with.
2. Use it as a prompter to write words of blessing and appreciation in special occasion cards. It will give your card an eternal dimension.
3. Use it as a parenting tool for the development of character in your child's life.
Parents can lose sight of the positive qualities in their children. This will help you get excited about some of the ways your child is growing. It will also identify areas that require attention.
4. Use this tool to build self-confidence in your spouse. 99% of the time a spouse will give their partner a higher grade than the partner will give themselves.
Once a month sit in a quite place and review this list, reading each definition, asking God to give you the courage to make the multitude of little choices and decisions that will transform you into a Majestic Tree of Righteousness. As Isaiah the prophet said, "For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." (Isaiah 28:10 KJV)
ALERTNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNAWARENESS
The ability to anticipate right responses to that which is taking place around me.
ANALYTICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ILLOGICAL
The ability to place the parts of a whole in their proper sequence.
ATTENTIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNCONCERN
Showing the worth of a person by giving sincere attention to their words.
AVAILABILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-CENTREDNESS
Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I am serving.
BOLDNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FEARFUL
Confidence that what I have to say or do will result in lasting benefit.
CAREFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CARELESS
Giving adequate thought to what one says or does.
COMPASSION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INDIFFERENCE
Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.
CONSISTENCY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 VARIABLE
Always acting in keeping with what you are.
CONTENTMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 COVETOUSNESS
Realizing God has provided everything I need for my present happiness.
COOPERATION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OPPOSITION
Working together to accomplish that which cannot be done alone.
COURAGE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 COWARDICE
Responding to danger without thought of retreat.
COURTESY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INSOLENCE
Thoughtful behavior that gives due regard to another person.
CREATIVITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNDER-ACHIEVE
Approaching a need, a task an idea from a new perspective.
DECISIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DOUBLE-MINDED
The ability to finalize difficult decisions based on the will and ways of God.
DEFERENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 RUDENESS
Limiting my freedom in order not to offend the tastes of those God has called me to serve.
DEPENDABILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INCONSISTENT
Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice.
DETERMINATION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FAINT-HEARTED
Purposing to accomplish God's goals in God's time regardless of the opposition.
DEVOTION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INDIFFERENCE
Deep steady affection, faithfulness and loyalty to another.
DILIGENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 LAZY
Using all my energies to accomplish God given tasks.
DISCERNMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLINDNESS
Seeing through a surface problem to root causes.
DISCRETION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLUNDER
Being able to anticipate the consequences of our actions.
EFFICIENCY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNPRODUCTIVE
The ability to do things without waste of time or energy.
ENCOURAGEMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DEPRESSED
To instill courage, hope and confidence in another.
ENDURANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 GIVING UP
The inward strength to withstand stress to accomplish God's best.
ENTERPRISING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNASSERTIVE
The ability to conceive, plan and initiate a project.
ENTHUSIASM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 APATHY
Expressing with my spirit the joy of the soul.
FAIRNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PARTIALITY
Looking at a decision from the viewpoint of each person involved.
FAITH 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PRESUMPTION
Visualizing what God intends to do in a given situation and acting in harmony with it.
FLEXIBILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 STUBBORNNESS
Not setting my affections on ideas or plans which may be changed by others.
FORGIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 REJECTION
Healing others by using their offenses as a means of expressing to them Christ's love.
FRANKNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 EVASIVE
Freedom in expressing one's real thoughts, opinions and feelings with tenderness.
FRIENDLINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HOSTILE
The ability to make another person feel comfortable in your presence.
GENEROSITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 STINGINESS
Realizing that all I have belongs to God and using it for His purposes.
GENTLENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HARSHNESS
Expressing personal care appropriate to others emotional need.
GRATEFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNGRATEFUL
Expressing adequate appreciation for a service or favor freely rendered.
GREGARIOUS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ALOOF/ISOLATION
The ability to enjoy the companionship of a group of people.
HELPFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DETRIMENTAL
To give or do what is needed or useful.
HONESTY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DECEIT
Dealing with others in an open, fair, forthright manner.
HOPE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DESPAIR
Healthy expectation based on past performance.
HOSPITALITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELFISH
Cheerfully sharing food, shelter and spiritual refreshment with others.
HUMILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PRIDE
Knowing God and others are responsible for the achievements in my life.
INSPIRING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SQUELCH
The ability to stimulate positive thoughts and constructive actions in others.
INITIATIVE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 APATHY
Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I'm asked to do it.
JOYFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-PITY
The praise of my inward being in genuine harmony with God and others.
JUSTICE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNFAIRNESS
The process by which each man is assured the things that belong to him.
KNOWLEDGEABLE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OBLIVIOUS
Having a broad based interest and understanding of the world around you.
KINDNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 MEANNESS
Showing the extra generous, genuine sympathetic attitude or action toward others.
LEADERSHIP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OBSTRUCT
The ability to influence the thoughts and actions of people toward a specific purpose.
LOVE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HATE
Seeking the good of others irrespective of our feelings.
LOYALTY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNFAITHFUL
Using adversity to confirm my commitment to those whom God has called me to serve.
MEEKNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ANGER
Yielding my personal rights and expectations to God.
METHODICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HAPHAZARD
Carrying out an assignment or task in an orderly, systematic manner.
OBEDIENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 WILFULNESS
Freedom to be creative under the protection of divinely appointed authority.
ORDERLINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CLUTTERED
Preparing myself and my surroundings so I will achieve the greatest efficiency.
PATIENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ANXIETY
Accepting a difficult situation from God without giving Him a deadline to remove it.
PERSEVERANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SURRENDER
Holding fast to a purpose or course of action.
PERSUASIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CONTENTIOUS
Guiding vital truths around another's mental road blocks.
PRACTICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 THEORETICAL
The ability to solve a problem or respond to a situation in a realistic manner.
PRECISE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 VAGUE
The ability to be exact in what you do or say so that the desired results are achieved.
POLITENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 RUDENESS
Having and showing appropriate courtesy and consideration in any given situation.
PUNCTUALITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 TARDY
Showing high esteem for other people and their time.
RESOURCEFUL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 WASTEFUL
Wise use of that which others would normally overlook or discard
RESPECTFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INSOLENT
Giving due esteem and honour to another.
RESPONSIBILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNRELIABLE
Knowing and doing what both God and others are expecting of me.
SELF-CONTROL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-INDULGE
Instant obedience to the initial prompting of God's Spirit.
SENSITIVITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CALLOUSNESS
Exercising my senses so that I can perceive the true spirit and emotions of those around me.
SINCERITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ARTIFICIAL
Free from pretence, deceit, and fraud.
SERIOUSNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FRIVOLOUSNESS
The ability to give deep thought and purpose appropriate to the situation at hand.
THRIFTINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 EXTRAVAGANT
The economical prudent management of your time and resources.
THOROUGHNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SUPERFICIAL
Doing all that should be done to complete the task with excellence.
TOLERANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PREJUDICE
Showing patience with people whose opinions and ways differ from yours.
TRUSTING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SKEPTICAL
The ability to have faith in others and expect the best from them
WISDOM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FOOLISH
Viewing life from God's perspective
VIRTUE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PROMISCUOUS
Moral excellence and integrity.
VISION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLINDNESS
The ability to see and understand God's purposes for an individual or group.
"The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, waken my ear to listen like one being taught." (Isaiah 50:4 NIV)
After working on it for the last 2 weeks I decided I am also going to do a positive character traits/strengths as that doesnt get much attention but is also part of me.
The ones I value are below. taken from http://www.newhope.bc.ca/02-02-09.htm
---------------------------------------------------
Our character is what we are. The dictionary defines character as the ways a person feels, thinks or acts. It is moral firmness, the expression of positive qualities in our lives. Life teaches us to accentuate the negative and overlook or be blind to the positive in others.
The Bible teaches us to bless people with the 5A's of Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval and Attention.
The Devil hates people who speak the five A's of blessing so he gets us to speak words of cursing from his deadly six pack of curse words. They are Degrading, Derisive, Derogatory, Destructive, Displeasing and Disapproving words and looks.
The following are some suggested ways to use this exercise:
1. Use it to gain a deeper appreciation of people you associate with.
2. Use it as a prompter to write words of blessing and appreciation in special occasion cards. It will give your card an eternal dimension.
3. Use it as a parenting tool for the development of character in your child's life.
Parents can lose sight of the positive qualities in their children. This will help you get excited about some of the ways your child is growing. It will also identify areas that require attention.
4. Use this tool to build self-confidence in your spouse. 99% of the time a spouse will give their partner a higher grade than the partner will give themselves.
Once a month sit in a quite place and review this list, reading each definition, asking God to give you the courage to make the multitude of little choices and decisions that will transform you into a Majestic Tree of Righteousness. As Isaiah the prophet said, "For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." (Isaiah 28:10 KJV)
ALERTNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNAWARENESS
The ability to anticipate right responses to that which is taking place around me.
ANALYTICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ILLOGICAL
The ability to place the parts of a whole in their proper sequence.
ATTENTIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNCONCERN
Showing the worth of a person by giving sincere attention to their words.
AVAILABILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-CENTREDNESS
Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I am serving.
BOLDNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FEARFUL
Confidence that what I have to say or do will result in lasting benefit.
CAREFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CARELESS
Giving adequate thought to what one says or does.
COMPASSION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INDIFFERENCE
Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.
CONSISTENCY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 VARIABLE
Always acting in keeping with what you are.
CONTENTMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 COVETOUSNESS
Realizing God has provided everything I need for my present happiness.
COOPERATION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OPPOSITION
Working together to accomplish that which cannot be done alone.
COURAGE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 COWARDICE
Responding to danger without thought of retreat.
COURTESY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INSOLENCE
Thoughtful behavior that gives due regard to another person.
CREATIVITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNDER-ACHIEVE
Approaching a need, a task an idea from a new perspective.
DECISIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DOUBLE-MINDED
The ability to finalize difficult decisions based on the will and ways of God.
DEFERENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 RUDENESS
Limiting my freedom in order not to offend the tastes of those God has called me to serve.
DEPENDABILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INCONSISTENT
Fulfilling what I consented to do even if it means unexpected sacrifice.
DETERMINATION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FAINT-HEARTED
Purposing to accomplish God's goals in God's time regardless of the opposition.
DEVOTION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INDIFFERENCE
Deep steady affection, faithfulness and loyalty to another.
DILIGENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 LAZY
Using all my energies to accomplish God given tasks.
DISCERNMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLINDNESS
Seeing through a surface problem to root causes.
DISCRETION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLUNDER
Being able to anticipate the consequences of our actions.
EFFICIENCY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNPRODUCTIVE
The ability to do things without waste of time or energy.
ENCOURAGEMENT 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DEPRESSED
To instill courage, hope and confidence in another.
ENDURANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 GIVING UP
The inward strength to withstand stress to accomplish God's best.
ENTERPRISING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNASSERTIVE
The ability to conceive, plan and initiate a project.
ENTHUSIASM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 APATHY
Expressing with my spirit the joy of the soul.
FAIRNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PARTIALITY
Looking at a decision from the viewpoint of each person involved.
FAITH 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PRESUMPTION
Visualizing what God intends to do in a given situation and acting in harmony with it.
FLEXIBILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 STUBBORNNESS
Not setting my affections on ideas or plans which may be changed by others.
FORGIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 REJECTION
Healing others by using their offenses as a means of expressing to them Christ's love.
FRANKNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 EVASIVE
Freedom in expressing one's real thoughts, opinions and feelings with tenderness.
FRIENDLINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HOSTILE
The ability to make another person feel comfortable in your presence.
GENEROSITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 STINGINESS
Realizing that all I have belongs to God and using it for His purposes.
GENTLENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HARSHNESS
Expressing personal care appropriate to others emotional need.
GRATEFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNGRATEFUL
Expressing adequate appreciation for a service or favor freely rendered.
GREGARIOUS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ALOOF/ISOLATION
The ability to enjoy the companionship of a group of people.
HELPFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DETRIMENTAL
To give or do what is needed or useful.
HONESTY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DECEIT
Dealing with others in an open, fair, forthright manner.
HOPE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 DESPAIR
Healthy expectation based on past performance.
HOSPITALITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELFISH
Cheerfully sharing food, shelter and spiritual refreshment with others.
HUMILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PRIDE
Knowing God and others are responsible for the achievements in my life.
INSPIRING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SQUELCH
The ability to stimulate positive thoughts and constructive actions in others.
INITIATIVE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 APATHY
Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I'm asked to do it.
JOYFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-PITY
The praise of my inward being in genuine harmony with God and others.
JUSTICE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNFAIRNESS
The process by which each man is assured the things that belong to him.
KNOWLEDGEABLE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OBLIVIOUS
Having a broad based interest and understanding of the world around you.
KINDNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 MEANNESS
Showing the extra generous, genuine sympathetic attitude or action toward others.
LEADERSHIP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 OBSTRUCT
The ability to influence the thoughts and actions of people toward a specific purpose.
LOVE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HATE
Seeking the good of others irrespective of our feelings.
LOYALTY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNFAITHFUL
Using adversity to confirm my commitment to those whom God has called me to serve.
MEEKNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ANGER
Yielding my personal rights and expectations to God.
METHODICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 HAPHAZARD
Carrying out an assignment or task in an orderly, systematic manner.
OBEDIENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 WILFULNESS
Freedom to be creative under the protection of divinely appointed authority.
ORDERLINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CLUTTERED
Preparing myself and my surroundings so I will achieve the greatest efficiency.
PATIENCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ANXIETY
Accepting a difficult situation from God without giving Him a deadline to remove it.
PERSEVERANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SURRENDER
Holding fast to a purpose or course of action.
PERSUASIVENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CONTENTIOUS
Guiding vital truths around another's mental road blocks.
PRACTICAL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 THEORETICAL
The ability to solve a problem or respond to a situation in a realistic manner.
PRECISE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 VAGUE
The ability to be exact in what you do or say so that the desired results are achieved.
POLITENESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 RUDENESS
Having and showing appropriate courtesy and consideration in any given situation.
PUNCTUALITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 TARDY
Showing high esteem for other people and their time.
RESOURCEFUL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 WASTEFUL
Wise use of that which others would normally overlook or discard
RESPECTFULNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 INSOLENT
Giving due esteem and honour to another.
RESPONSIBILITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 UNRELIABLE
Knowing and doing what both God and others are expecting of me.
SELF-CONTROL 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SELF-INDULGE
Instant obedience to the initial prompting of God's Spirit.
SENSITIVITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CALLOUSNESS
Exercising my senses so that I can perceive the true spirit and emotions of those around me.
SINCERITY 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ARTIFICIAL
Free from pretence, deceit, and fraud.
SERIOUSNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FRIVOLOUSNESS
The ability to give deep thought and purpose appropriate to the situation at hand.
THRIFTINESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 EXTRAVAGANT
The economical prudent management of your time and resources.
THOROUGHNESS 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SUPERFICIAL
Doing all that should be done to complete the task with excellence.
TOLERANCE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PREJUDICE
Showing patience with people whose opinions and ways differ from yours.
TRUSTING 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SKEPTICAL
The ability to have faith in others and expect the best from them
WISDOM 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 FOOLISH
Viewing life from God's perspective
VIRTUE 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 PROMISCUOUS
Moral excellence and integrity.
VISION 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLINDNESS
The ability to see and understand God's purposes for an individual or group.
"The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, waken my ear to listen like one being taught." (Isaiah 50:4 NIV)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
35 minutes of remembering the past..
I like to periodically look back on what I have learned and lessons I gleaned, sometimes its something, sometimes its absolutely nothing.
6/21/04
I am feeling happy and good this sunny day. How are you? My weekend was good, and busy, filled with productive things..lol. I am told I have a whole new attitude on me.
Friday after work I went out for drinks @ Houlihan’s with the guys in the Tech department. It was nice and we had fun, I realized I am not really like other girls. I got a little tipsy and I met the 2 new guys, Daniel, one of which doesn’t really belong here it seems. He is smart, and funny, and well interesting. I talked about him all weekend at one point or another and today I saw him and ignored him, go figure. Then I went with Otto and took him to Red Lobster for all the rides home he has given me, he was good company and we had a nice time. Ryan’s b-day party was @ Lit and it was nice, I went mainly to see him but Alex was there so I finally met up with him too. I was getting into heavy conversation with the owner, David, whom I gave the digits to. I like him, he is sweet and smart and he knows Nick (porn guy, long story).
Then I met Mike standing by Carlos D. from Interpol (a band I love, btw) and we started talking. Now this easily could have been a 7 minute conversation but we just kept talking and talking, then it was like 4 am and when they said last call I made a beeline for the bathroom and there was a girl taking like 4 hour and no tp available so what do I do? I went to the guys bathroom where there were like 2 guys and was like “hey.” “I am gonna be pissing here, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.” So there I was pulling my pants down in front of 2 male strangers and neither of us had a care in the world..then Mike comes in to use the bathroom as I am pulling my pants up! He missed the peep show..lol. So we stay a bit to see if I see Ry to say goodbye, but he isn’t there so we leave and walk to Odessa on A and have breakfast. We have a nice time, make jokes about Lavababy (the band me & Lily auditioned for) and then go to our homes. I’m drunk, its 7am, I call Lily to remind her that we have practice in 4 hours at Ben’s house. I’m a dork.
Saturday Lily & I go to practice..o wait, the dream. Sat. morning me, Ryan, his girl, Ben, his girl, Carlos D. and some other people are all in this big car, talking about where we’re going next and driving fast, smoking weed, cigs and then we do cocaine, interesting stuff. So I sniffed and woke the fuck up..So we go to practice I am totally hung over but ready…we get to Bens and we write 2 songs ..it was great.. we even videotaped us writing it, so we have it for future. Steve didn’t make it cuz he was celebrating his bro’s b-day party. Then we decide to color our hair blue/ black and get pedis, we go back to Brooklyn and I heard The Faint for the first time, I fell in love!
So we are there on the back porch, half naked, talking to the guys next door (they want me us to model for their clothes site), with dye in our hair, smoking cigs and its freezing out, but The Faint is playing so who cares, right? Then I have to go to the Art of Shooting show @Trash but I don’t make it cuz we still have to wash and condition each others hair! So at some point Lily asks me to go with her to meet her friends from NC, we go to Red and Black, Nick is gone. They love it there,its good times, we stay til like 5am and I danced my ass off with Lily, Jamie,(Gina’s guy) and Mike. Ahhhh, Mike. Yo! Let me just talk about Mike for about 3 minutes here, Mike is a hottie who came from NC to intern at Matador and be scouted by modeling agencies, has a girlfriend there who is insecure and jealous and tells him what to do. Mike is BEAUTIFUL. He has perfect cheek bones, great emo/punkrock hair, and a tall lean body. He dresses well and has a great smile. Now, he is not that smart, nor can he dance (he prob cant u know what) but looking at him could be a pastime. Needless to say, I want him. I am putting him in the video.
Sunday I am supposed to go to the studio. I wake up late and run out of Brooklyn! I get there and Vinny and I start talking about what we want for the album etc and I tell him about murdering beethoven, he is excited, but wants me to show up for sessions when I say I will and call him if I’m not. Understandable. I am not going to make a habit of that.. then I get home where I can finally get some sleep and do I? Nope. I start returning calls, and call Mike (the one from Lit) back and Dave. (a guy I met on the bus who is a great poet and sexy as hell) Mike asks me to go to a comedy show with him. Dave asks me to go and hang in his cool car. I say yes to Mike and get ready…we have a nice time and Mike is so smart and sweet, I may actually date him.
Finally I get home @ 12:30am and crash in the middle of my bed with my clothes on listening to The Killers…so yeah, my weekend was sweeeeet! I loved every second and I think my hair is with me on that.
With that this is today's horoscope "Whatever the weather is like outside at the beginning of the week is completely irrelevant, because wherever you are it's hot with a capital H. Your prowess at pretty much everything is staggering -- why not turn some of that sexy storm of energy on your love life? Amp it up, and your honey or that hottie will follow suit. And don't delay; your forecast is prime Monday through Wednesday. After that, you may be distracted by silly little details of day-to-day life, and frankly you've got bigger and better stuff to do."
8/9/04
So Josh and I kinda broke up over the weekend though we were never officially together. The reason is I flipped out and got all-emotional and accused him of something he wasn’t doing and didn’t give him his space to do his recording. I wrote badly about him in my blog on a whim and he read it and got waaay offended. So things are eh for us now, and he has issues with Claudia still. I really like him and it’s unfortunate he doesn’t want to be with me.
In other news, on the same day I saw Oddatee on the bus and he told me how he has wanted to be with me for the last 4 years and though we lost touch and have had other relationships, he has always liked me a lot and wants to go on a date with me, and wants to be in a relationship with me. He, like Josh thinks that because I am a musician that things will just work out. That I will be more understanding than the other girls that have loved them, and wont expect them to give anything substantial that will take away from their love for succeeding. Marco in the same token wants to date as well, but for some reason I don’t feel I can trust him and I have to go with that instinct. I don’t know what he wants from me and he is sooo sexual. That is the last thing I need right now is to get hurt by someone who doesn’t know what they want.
I saw Yotam yesterday to give him back his stuff and wow, I had no feelings for him either way. It was very nice. I guess that means I can get over Josh or anyone given enough time. I was with Yotam closely for more than 6 months and here I am 2 months later seeing him and not caring one way or the other. But I don’t really want to get over Josh, I think he and I are good together, but I guess I have learned not to push it. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with me and I just have to move on quickly and not look back. What I don’t understand is that inevitably it seems no matter who I am with, I find that they don’t want to be with me or cant handle being with me. What the hell am I doing wrong? I don’t know, I mean, I have so many great qualities and a lot of love to give but they don’t want it. What’s wrong with me, or is it them or both?
I know who wants it, David. With David think I would not have these problems. He is 43, creative, well off and happy with himself and his life and his art. He has been there, done that with his life and he still has spunk and joi de vive. He has that beard that I don’t like and he is a little chubby but other than that, damn he is wonderful. He is attentive, affectionate, understanding of my career aspirations and unselfish. I am going to see him this week and be open minded.
I talked to Lily yesterday about the future of the band now that Ben and Steve are gone. We are moving forward without them and gonna pay for rehearsal space and get pay to play members. It’s better for us this way. We are going to finish the songs ourselves and pay studio musicians. Also, I have decided I am gonna finish Happy Fake and Treated this way and the 4 other songs on my own as well. I’m shooting for a CD of all my stuff that I have written, my own CD. Not to sell, but to have and consolidate all I have done and be proud of before I get too old or too lazy to keep recording. I don’t see that happening either though, because look at me? My unflinching ass is still going after 7 long arduous years.
Come the 24th of August I make 6 months at my job! Woo hoo! I love this place still as much as when I first got here, EVEN WITH the Fergal issues and the departure of my supervisor. Write later.
8/10/04
Spoke to Josh last night and he told me how much he loves Claudia and is deciding to be with her after all. Well not with her with her, cuz she doesn’t actually want him when he wants her, but still into her and hanging out with her and being her best friend. He suddenly doesn’t want to see me after all. It was cute actually, reminiscent of what Yotam had said, “oh, you’ll get over this.” and the ever popular “its not you, at all”, it’s nothing against you, its me”.
LO fuckin L cuz if I don’t laugh I will cry. My supervisor was talking about how her sister is getting married and she wonders when will she get married and how every guy she has been with has gotten married right after breaking up with her and this just made me depressed to hear her talking about it like it’s a joke. I know she doesn’t think it is. I certainly am not laughing. Overhearing that conversation is what made me write this.
The funny thing is without the marriage parts, that’s the same as my situation. They leave me ( for one reason or another, but they all usually gave the same reason) to be with the person they will really love. I’m just a fucking precursor, a prototype, the trial sample. I’m the in between girl. Good times, good sex (if that) some music, and lots of laughs. Yeah that’s fuckin great, huh? They meet me when they are about to have a fucking sunshine breakthrough with someone else. No one is ever gonna write me those pretty songs. I’m gonna have to write about myself. Shall we go through the dates for some authentication? First there was Chad who left to find his Rachel, then Johnny to be with (out of fuckin nowhere) sudden love of his life Johanna, Yotam with his new Muon (a week after me), and now Josh with his Claudia of course, who has always been there for him, (not actually there with him in a working relationship, but) in his mind.
Adam told me yesterday that most men want window dressing not a sexy, intelligent, ambitious, passionate, emotional woman like me. They want someone easy, someone who doesn’t think much/talk much/argue much I guess. Well how the hell is that? How can I be window dressing? I want to be happy too damn it! I don’t want to die alone and succeed alone! What do I have to do? What do I have to look like to be this girl? How do I have to act? Wtf?
I can't think about this now. Back to work, I will write more later.
3/15/05
I got this amazingly insightful email from his mom yesterday that was really helpful in making me forget him a bit more. The one nice thing was that she said she loved me and that he loves me very much. What a sweet sentiment. I am seeing Rob again, hanging out with Matt, and meeting more women as I can. Scott is also gonna be a bit of a fixture.
I am keeping busy with music stuff and finding a studio to do this in. I am getting the same thing over and over everywhere. Which is do you have the tracks separate? No I don’t, so what can we do instead? Lol. There has to be a way around that. Or maybe I should just cut my losses and start over again? I don’t know. The whole thing has me a bit frustrated. I mean this is the last 12 years of my life! Maybe I should just talk to Wendell and Mike and Chris and try to get the tracks I need. I guess it couldn’t hurt. I will call them all tonight and tell them why. I’d hate to have to pay people to recreate what we have already done and just didn’t finish for one reason or another due to personal differences. Grrrr.
So I am not seeing Gordon or even probably talking to him til my birthday, who knows if I will see him even then. He needs “space”. Who knows that he will want to spend too much time with me even on that weekend. So I will make other plans and just try to see him on Friday night and maybe Sunday afternoon if he can swing it.
By every conversation we have I feel more and more that he is ever growing distant. I’m over it. I really need to move on. I know he can be checking his Myspace mail, blocking me from leaving sweet comments, and chatting online but not talking to me or saying more than 4 words to me. I am not going to take it in a wrong way, I am just realizing its time to let him go and thoughts of him completely not just a little, completely. No more emails. No more calls. Goodbye Gordon. With his 9-word response email I am sure he thinks that his quota to speaking to me for the day is filled. I don’t really need a guy like that right now. Look at how little I was willing to accept from this guy?
3/29/05
I was born on this day. Wow. It’s just as cloudy/rainy as it was then. I am feeling good and happy with the situation of things. Its weird to say now but I am kinda glad Gordon is not with me. I don’t really think we are that good together in retrospect, he is sooo selfish, with me! I still love him but my god, he is like a male Madonna. All about himself and woe is me to anyone who might get in his way. He is only nice to get what he wants and he always wants something. If you cant give it to him can you introduce him to someone who can? He will do anything he can to impress people that he feels can get him what he wants, which is sad and ambitious all at once. Somehow I could see him rationalizing gay sex in order to get what he wants. He can rationalize any reason for doing anything as long as the result is what he wants. No shame he once said. He also told me that he was a user and rationalized it as “getting hooked up”, no, you use people.
He didn’t even call me to say Happy Birthday. Whatever. I have worn out my usefulness for him. When I told him about the party he missed cuz he was hanging out with his friends and how he could have been meeting people for CA, he was almost salivating. He was like “o why didnt you tell me that?” In other words had I told him he might have pretended like he was having a good time with me so he could meet the people he felt were important to meet. Why didn’t you just not dis me, you jerk.
I think I am gonna see Rob tonight. I went to get my tracklights yesterday for the apt and more paint stuff, and I also got some colored candles and rugs for the blue area. I think the apt over time is gonna look soo cute. I just need to keep making duckets and find more ways to make bigger duckets. “Duckets”, I havent used that in a long time. “Cool beans” has seen no resurrection either. Time to get to work, I will write more if I can later.
9-17-06
So I found out last night that my ex sort of unexpectedly - ( I had just woken up from sleeping to go to Lillith’s b-day party, and what a wakeup call too) is definitely already fucking around and he’s not even talking about it like in a proud way. It kinda hurts me cuz its like o you didn’t have sex with me, or want me, but your content to pay some chick in weed to fuck you? Do you..I guess.
What the fuck is wrong with you son? This inspired me to write such eloquence as Lyric #2 which is “I’m so glad I found out that you a ho,- bitch. I’m so glad you found the do’ - bitch.”Yeah.. so I’m ready now.
There is no going back. If there was even an inkling that "wow.. this is cool, that we are apart and we are getting along so well maybe someday..fuck that! I don’t want that skank. Or his skank's sloppy seconds. LOL. Ugh he's so dirty. I’m worth so much more than that. Another one I will never return to.
06/06/07
well there it was. none of my business innocently sitting there (as a bottle of wine can) and saying nothing next to a bottle of beer. Chris and I have broken up and in going to calm Roscoe I saw it. how do i feel about it?
1 chris is no longer with me and can share bottles of wine with whomever he wants - less violence toward me the better.
2 I dont think at this point in time drinking is going to help him at all to be less violent after what i have read
3 how can he say the things he does to me and then go drinking an entire bottle with someone else?
4 oh wait denial and abuse has answered that question, there is no reason..reason is for rational people, abusive people are not rational - he is not in my reality. he has no reason for doing such things he is propelled by need to act/react - instead of feel - hurt to others and hurting himself like a lunatic.
well.. there it is.
10/1/07
This relationship was less than a year. And just like that last night after no sex, our relationship is over for Chris. He said the moment was when I wanted to clean myself before he went down on me. Now so if I had let him, would things be workable? Had we had sex he would have still cared for me and wanted to be with me and try? And because we did not it was his final straw. And because he left me and I was feeling miserable and unwanted as he has assisted me in feeling the last 2 weeks I was hurt, sad, and angry.
Now he wants “time/space”. He no longer wants me because I relapsed, threatened him, and I cannot be forgiven. No matter that I forgave him time and again, no matter that I have given myself to him time and again, no matter that I still cared and wanted to work it out and had already changed my tune and perception from one that was not working to one that was going to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. No none of that matters now. He was just like Brandon and Gordon with his “I’m over you” sighing to my cries of loving him and my pain of him leaving me. He was just like them in his nonchalance “you are really bothering me with you’re trying to get me back and arguing your point” attitude. “I just don’t and won’t ever want you”. “I need rest, can you leave please?” These were his words..
11/12/07
Relationships, Breakups, Crushes and Boys/Girls I Have Had, Wanted or Loved (A Recount) inc original from 5/14/03
Boy in Germany: I'm five, he's five, I’m, cute, he’s cute, he's my “boyfriend” and I'm his “girlfriend”. Must have been an easy breakup since I don't remember it. LOL
Eric Weber: 4th grade. My first crush, a Leo. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and quiet. He looks absolutely amazing to me! Head over heels for this boy. He makes me blush in front of my whole class and he calls me mean names at our bus stop, he also stands by while David and the other boys attack me in Tanya’s house.
Scott Meyers: 4th grade. He is cute but I don’t like him. He’s just another boy at another party. I think Halloween. Back when my Mom was well and wild she threw me a party she made me do 7 seconds in heaven with this boy in our bathroom.
Eric Weber: I’m in 5th. Yes, still am in love with him. He threw water on our speakers I got beat up by my dad bcuz of him and he also tries to drown me in a bucket. I still dreamt of him walking hand in hand with me on the playground.
Tommy: My god this was my cousin! Nonetheless I wanted him. I pretended he was my boyfriend and that I was grown up.
Mike Passaro: This boy was at first a fill in for Eric W. who didn’t like me. Then we had genuinely good times together. We were into Flash Gordon movies, and comics, he thought I was beautiful and we hung around each other playing everyday. My parents knew his parents, they had huge cookouts and trips.
Eric Weber: 7th grade. Damn when will this boy ever notice me? Doesn’t he see me following behind him? Isn’t he impressed when I speak loudly in his vicinity? Doesn’t he see all the other boys noticing me like I’m a new human? I have a damn tan! I am growing boobs! I went to faraway locales! Look at me!
Joseph Pizzi: 8th grade. OMG. This boy actually made me forget about Eric. He is on the football team. He is popular, he is older, he has a lot of money (or so I think). He is amazing looking. Dark brown curly hair, wide set dark brown yummy eyes, and his body is beautiful. He has a gorgeous smile! Eric? Eric who?
Here is where things get tricky. By now I was 14 and what they call “boy crazy”.
That Summer – I didn’t know which way was up. My mom was letting all these people stay at our house. Yes, even boys. I liked all of these boys for one reason or another. But who could choose?
John / Vinnie / Paul
Dave / Mike
Bryan W
Jeff Rosenthal: our class clown, no girl thinks he’s cute but he is simply awesome in my eyes.
Jeff Pate: He is a southern sexy blonde who is in my Math class.
John Thomasiello: Wow. He is a skateboarder and doesn’t even look at me or know I am alive. I start skateboarding again.
Eric Matheny: 8th grade. My first little sort of boyfriend. God, did he love me in that puppy love way. I am such an asshole. He told my mom he wanted to “wedding kiss” me, said he loved everything about me from my head to my little “dolphin” toes. I really fucked this one up. I hurt this poor boy in every way a girl could hurt someone at 12. He became a jerk after me. His innocent little feelings. =( It makes me sad just thinking about it.
Robin Baitz: The bad friend who I hurt Eric with. I should have known when he showed me a book by Anton LaVey I was in for trouble. I was really crunching on him. He was very cute. I kissed him and not Eric. He was a great kisser for 13, he must have gotten around. Those parents were never home. Eric found out, sadness ensued.
Willie Baez: He is my boyfriend but only on the phone. We talk often. We never see each other. At 13, he lived what seemed like a gajillion miles away.
Alex Johnson: 9th grade. My metal head banger hanger. We had a cool relationship more like friends but with 1 or 2 kissing benefits. We kissed and it was wet kissing and it was once in his little lofty area - a boys room for sure.
Here is where I suicide(1) and leave home.
Chuck: He was going to cook dinner for me and try to be romantic instead I tried to kill myself on the way to his house finally wanting nothing more than to leave mine and never ever come back.
Barry Kaufman: My first real crush, crush and boyfriend. That nose and that freestyle music! I was really into him. I almost moved in with him. He made me the best cheeseburgers! I tried to jump out of his moving car. We stayed together for a year.
Brian Burns: This alternative/emo boy had me by the balls. Hook line and sinker. I never kissed him. Not a boyfriend, but a guy I was crazy about who thought I was a total dork and probably a stalker, if he thought anything of me. He looked like some beautiful junkie godling with his tall, rail thin body, pale-green eyes, paper-white skin, and red hair. I might mention also, not the warmest guy you've ever met. He never smiled, and I never saw him laugh.
Rich Polaski: his friend. Sexy surfer boy. Mmmhh. I kissed him in his den on his couch one late night after sneaking out. I got lost in the woods of Linden, well manicured lawns really but when your 15, its like its the woods!
I try Suicide attempt(2) shipped off to the Dads part of town.
Erman Kim Puebla: This man is my first teen love. We write rap rhymes together. I learn what domestic violence is. I get comfortable and take a seat there. We hurt each other. He puts a gun to my head. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. We plan marriage and kids in the midst of abusive madness. We do drugs together and cheat on each other. We stay together for 4 years. Oddly comfortable with him after leaving home. He beats me almost daily. Until he tries to throw me in front of a car after waiting outside for me all night until I exited a nightclub. He goes to jail; I leave him, my injuries and our relationship in Rikers Island NY.
Leslie: we dress Goth and have sexy displays of affection on Webster Hall and Club USA dance floors. We got drunk a lot and were both pretty confused and miserable as women at the time so we decided we were for each other.
PeeWee: Its Latin for ..? Well, I don’t know but he was a latin hottie who lived across the street. Another Leo. He was smoldering and he had a gf or was she an ex? She was going to beat me up. We listened to Poor Righteous Teachers and made up dances in his “sala”.
(there are boys in between here I liked and I know I’m forgetting)
Brendan: He lives kinda far and he really likes me but we only hang a couple times and nothing really happens between us. He took this really memorable picture of me that everyone says I look just like Selena in.
Randy Maglasang: I never kissed him or anything. A beautiful artist. I liked him very much. We hung out a lot. He had a car so he can pick me up anytime =) He took so many pictures of me, and video, and made me paintings of me with my guitars and my instruments. He hand wrote me love letters, filmed me, and he changed an entire SAT test wording to fit our relationship with questions about us for me to answer. Do you know how many pages and questions an SAT has? How long that must have taken? I love that kind of dedication. When I finally wanted him he said when you are famous look me up. At that point, I realized like all other men, he is a fucking asshole.
Evette: Evette and I have a history that cannot be put into words. We shared a lot together, we were both confused abused little girls and we did things that are indescribable and some that will never be shared with anyone.
Fathey: Younger than me, when I met him he was in a “K-Hole”. He is really quiet and the other guys around at the party are noisy and boisterous, so he is the one I went for. I move in with him. He does hardcore drugs. I try crack. He was everything to me. He reads my mind. He is intelligent. I fall in love. We have sex. It’s great; He was large! I find underwear under our bed. I suspected him of cheating and left him forever.
Carlos Polanco: A good friend of an ex from my childhood (see Baez). We immediately connect, become tight, which leads to more. We do acid together, smoke weed together daily. We have sex constantly, and for hours. We share our poetry, views on politics and write music. He plays guitar and inspires me. He is smart and witty. He also has roaming eyes and lips unfortunately. We smoke mad weed together! I intro him to cross dressing, NYC nightlife, the rave scene, homosexuality and vibrators. “Five to One” will always be my song for him and our sex. He cheats on me and I end our relationship. He becomes a cokehead and robs me and my family blind 2 years after our breakup. I forgive him and invite him to my new place to meet my new bf. He becomes one of my biggest fans. I intro him to the videogame Tibia. We become Tibia videogame addicts together.
Joe Pizzi: This is the boy I had the crush on in HS. I meet with him again. He is into me and we start to go out. HE is not the boy I went to school with, he has changed ALOT. He does drugs, steals, doesn’t work or want to, and listens to Hip Hop. We have great sex and are spontaneous together in everything we do. We talked all the time til he cheats on me then I leave him. How sad. The realization of someone thrown down from a pedestal.
Suicide attempt (3!)
Joseph Anthony Guzman: My poet, my Punchy, my JAG. This is the major love of my life. I am homeless with him in Brooklyn. We squat in a basement for 2 years! No water, no heat, no food, no bed, no money and we are immensely in love and have sex all the time. He was a nice size for me. We have great times together. We write music together. We do drugs. I watch him do drugs. He works night and day so I don’t have to work. Later, he lies to me a lot. I sleep all day; sing to him all night. We fight a lot. I cry, he cries. I cheat. He does more drugs. He inspires many, many poems I have written. Verbal abuse. I am his whore and his saint. We hate and love one another immensely. We have great sex. I make love to him. He makes love to me. We also fuck like rabbits and fold our laundry together.
I get a job for him, leave him and move to NYC then he comes to live with me. I take care of him. We both work all day but he comes home and rubs my feet. We pay bills. I want to marry him. He does more drugs, and says the meanest things. I work hard for him, write songs about him, take him out, buy him things. He says I do nothing for him, I don’t love him, throws my recorder gift onto the highway. We sleep in motels. We get so high. He gets so fucked up he falls asleep out cold in a diner for 3 hours, I watch and wonder about us. He gets into fights. He is loud and noisy and moves his hands a lot. Laughs creepily when things don’t go his way. I still love him. Complains and blames everything wrong on someone else. He is crazy. I leave him. Many of my friends and family nurture a hope that we'll get back together, although it's been 10 years since we broke up. We were together four years and almost got married, but then... we didn't. He was high on our anniversary and that did it for me. I left him that day (surprise!) and walked out of our apartment, left my things and never went back. That breakup kicked me way down into the pits for years. Somebody can be no good for you at all and you'll still love your history together, still miss the companionship. I hook him up with my girl, who for a time, was happy with him.
Shahn Andersen: Boobear. It’s Shahn. Of the Hans Christian or so he says… He was my best friend. He was my bandmate. We go through so much together. There is no other like him. He is in the band Nymph. He is beautiful. Strong. Stubborn. Sexy. I move with him in Queens. I smother him to death. Poor Shahn, I am sorry. Afraid of commitment. I am insecure with him. We have great sex! Kinky sex. Sexy sex. Bathroom sex. Constant sex. He likes boys and girls. He has had sex with both. He is faithful, honest and ambitious. We break up because 9-11 and he doesn’t ever want to marry me after 2 years. He is a commitment o phobe and I realized he would never be just mine. Shahn may never marry for real.
Bastion: Chu Monster, Chu-chee! We lasted a year and then some with breakups in between. I meet him and ask him to marry me the first night we are introduced. He leaves his girlfriend for me. He cheats on me, I forgive him. He said yes to me. I give up my promise to God for him. He is so good to me. He loves me. He supports me. He is clueless at first sexually but I get to teach him. We have warm sex. Sweet sex. Then he became my fuck machine. LOL. He is terrible with money. I feel I have to take care of him. I am demanding. He is a Momma’s boy. Hell, I love his mama too. I start to look around during a fight, meet someone online and I break up with him. I still miss him and his crazy ways.
Joseph Arthur: I am in crush with him for 3 years. I listened to his music daily. I meet him before a show. He is actually into me too. We date. Since he is somewhat famous I am not going to go into any detail about us. I respect him and his work and don’t kiss and tell.
Jimmy Urine: MSI frontman. I write him for 2 years. We have a correspondence and cool little thing for a time. I've yet to meet him. I promise u though, I will. I want to write with him. I want to watch him write. I want to talk to him and share my insanity with someone I know will relate! Jimmy's the nerdiest biddomb!
Chad Reyes: “Wifey” wow. An almost indescribable guy. He is the one I thought was “The One.” When I met him I felt like I had always known him. I never see him, he lives miles away, but I feel like he has always been here. He gets me close to God. He is everything. From the first sentence, I had it for him. Whatever “it” is. Being with him is warmth, listening to him sing and talking to him was heaven, watching him. Breathing him in. I breathe Chad. He changed me in many ways. I hope. I hope. I hoped for Chad. I learned what true love is. Sex? All my angels please go to work on this one: I don’t know that I will ever have sex with him. He was “saving it for God.” He did however this interesting wall move that I will never forget and there is also the candlewax incident and many bathroom/shower sessions with “Chad Lee.” Another jerk though, this one would talk to girls online while he and his best friend were living with me in my apartment. Is there a pattern here?
Yotam Ginzberg: Yotam was a hard nosed NYC mover transplant from Israel with a great smile and witty sarcastic humor who after meeting me in my music studio, carried me 6 blocks in the pouring rain to a Chinese restaurant so I wouldn’t get my Chucks wet. The night I met him we quickly became “involved” for a year. I didn’t trust him though and I always was jealous of girls he was “friends with/talking to”. Sex with him was very hot, steamy and heavy. We had sex all the time and as often as possible. We made pink linguini; we had a lot of verbal abuse and later physical abuse ended our relationship. His younger brother came to visit from Israel and he slapped me in the face on the train as his brother mentioned he should, (what the fuck was up in that family that that was an acceptable suggestion/response?) and things were never the same after that. He broke up with me because he did not want to go to abuse counseling and he had been talking on email to his now current gf. Good luck to her, I say!
John Cervini: At first poetic and seemingly wistful and romantic, he wrote me words of adoration and true fucking melt your heart poetry. A musician from Queens, he was a player in every sense of the word. This guy is scum. I never trusted him as far as I could throw him and with good reason because he showed that he never could be. He practically raped me the first time we were even attempting to get physical. He was the biggest asshole and loser I have ever met. He now has a baby girl and is currently probably cheating on his gf with someone else.
Josh Kane: Drummer. This is how I think of him. Pounding my pussy like he did the drums. Ah that massage, ah the fireplace. Ah my body and how it could bend all the way backwards in those days. I was too into this guy and he was too into himself and another girl. I should have known better. But we had fucking awesome times together. His jokes, his wit, were bar none. I went to see Anchorman with him and laughed and hee hawed and actually kicked shit, and he still wanted to date me (fuck me?). lol. I warmed to him quick but I was totally clingy and couldn’t understand the concept of “space” yet.
Gordon Nelson-White: My little selfish bastard of privilege boyfriend. He was cool, funny and sarcastic,(as they all are, the pattern is completing by this time, eyes WERE somewhat opening) He has a lot of money, lives in MD and I travel to see his ass and he travels to see me. We have a LD relationship of sarcasm, verbal abuse, expensive dinners, male privilege and sex, sex, sex! Gordo Rockets and I had great sex! He was a dirty, coking, drinking, Jon Stewart loving wanna be film maker with a ungodly obsession of Stanley Kubrick. We had a great time in FL, and on Valentine’s. We stayed together for a year and half. He likes a finger in the ass and I poured wine on my body while sliding it in. God that was hot! I am hot. Speaking of hot, I burned my leg to the bone, and because it coincided with his ski trip to Seattle, he left me for the trip and his mother drove 400 miles to care for me instead – he called me maybe 3 times. Another one I always accused of cheating, he was a fucking flirt and he ideally wanted to fuck everything that moved before he died.
Ed: A Sid Vicious look a like. Jesus! This guy was insane. I was waay drunk. Yelling at me, smoking like a chimney, breaking glass and screaming into the microphone, moving like a injured wolf/kangaroo onstage. I thought he had some kind of retardation until he actually started talking.
Brandon Nelson: Another star fucker or just a boy that was a fucker in Los Angeles. This boy reeked of arrogance and destruction when I met him. I was completely disgusted by him and did not give him the time of day. He gave off this eerie Charles Manson type charm. I had fled my hurt from NY to CA from Gordon and a couple months of ONS. As luck would have it and past experience, I warmed to him over a drug scare and too little sleep from jetlag. Then I fell for him. I moved to CA for him and it was the worst and best thing I have ever done. He looked like Anthony and acted like a fucking sociopath and I guess this was the lesson I needed to learn in life. Not only are there boys out there that would fuck me over in a relationship (cheating or lying) but I could also tie myself to someone and get completely fucked over in life (credit destroyed, name blemished, records fucked with, cops, guns and gang violence, evictions, car liens, drug dealers). This guy took what little self respect, self love, and confidence I actually had. This drug dealing, lying, borrows from Peter to pay Paul loser fucking ruined my life. I also became addicted to World of Warcraft during this time and spent 2 years of my life doing nothing with this guy while he fucking smoked weed, slobbered, lazily didn’t work, didn’t clean and could only get it up with a dick in his ass. He was a narcissistic psycho that is incapable of feeling anything for anyone else. The sex was just like him, nice at first.
Chris: Chris. Jesus for such a big package you sure did pack a small wallop. Not true, I just always wanted to say that. You were my second and last fattie. I learned so much from our relationship. We had a verbally abusive relationship AND a physically abusive one. I actually beat you up. I am sorry. This relationship my eyes were fully OPENED and I learned a lot about me and my own past.
Another ass lover, you loved it in the ass. I enjoyed thoroughly our sex when it was good, it was fucking really good. I moved to CA for Brandon but I stayed there for you. You lied. You emotionally cheated on me, yet you took care of me when I needed someone, all to get in these pants. You cooked for me, and gave me great massages. When you started going to abuse counseling and the NA meetings, there were times in our relationship when I felt you could have been “The One” and I would have been faithful to your ugly ass but no, instead you decided to look at other women, continue lying and keep being a pothead. You were a fucking polarization of relationship hell and heaven. I guess we were that together. I really loved you the way an adult loves. I just wanted you to not be selfish, to stop doing drugs and stop looking around for other women to fuck and love just me, but you couldn’t and that is why I had to leave you. You wanted me to stop being abusive, to trust you completely after you (and everyone else) had cheated and to just be a generally happy and healthy person.
OK after re-reading this I know I am crazy like, yeah! UPDATE > 2007 After rereading this I know that I have always believed no one would ever love me and so I got exactly that. I also know that I chose those assholes on purpose and because I grew up with abuse it is exactly what I was used to with Daddy and gravitated to in adulthood. After Chris, I will be actively trying to choose differently. I have learned a lot.
6/21/04
I am feeling happy and good this sunny day. How are you? My weekend was good, and busy, filled with productive things..lol. I am told I have a whole new attitude on me.
Friday after work I went out for drinks @ Houlihan’s with the guys in the Tech department. It was nice and we had fun, I realized I am not really like other girls. I got a little tipsy and I met the 2 new guys, Daniel, one of which doesn’t really belong here it seems. He is smart, and funny, and well interesting. I talked about him all weekend at one point or another and today I saw him and ignored him, go figure. Then I went with Otto and took him to Red Lobster for all the rides home he has given me, he was good company and we had a nice time. Ryan’s b-day party was @ Lit and it was nice, I went mainly to see him but Alex was there so I finally met up with him too. I was getting into heavy conversation with the owner, David, whom I gave the digits to. I like him, he is sweet and smart and he knows Nick (porn guy, long story).
Then I met Mike standing by Carlos D. from Interpol (a band I love, btw) and we started talking. Now this easily could have been a 7 minute conversation but we just kept talking and talking, then it was like 4 am and when they said last call I made a beeline for the bathroom and there was a girl taking like 4 hour and no tp available so what do I do? I went to the guys bathroom where there were like 2 guys and was like “hey.” “I am gonna be pissing here, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind.” So there I was pulling my pants down in front of 2 male strangers and neither of us had a care in the world..then Mike comes in to use the bathroom as I am pulling my pants up! He missed the peep show..lol. So we stay a bit to see if I see Ry to say goodbye, but he isn’t there so we leave and walk to Odessa on A and have breakfast. We have a nice time, make jokes about Lavababy (the band me & Lily auditioned for) and then go to our homes. I’m drunk, its 7am, I call Lily to remind her that we have practice in 4 hours at Ben’s house. I’m a dork.
Saturday Lily & I go to practice..o wait, the dream. Sat. morning me, Ryan, his girl, Ben, his girl, Carlos D. and some other people are all in this big car, talking about where we’re going next and driving fast, smoking weed, cigs and then we do cocaine, interesting stuff. So I sniffed and woke the fuck up..So we go to practice I am totally hung over but ready…we get to Bens and we write 2 songs ..it was great.. we even videotaped us writing it, so we have it for future. Steve didn’t make it cuz he was celebrating his bro’s b-day party. Then we decide to color our hair blue/ black and get pedis, we go back to Brooklyn and I heard The Faint for the first time, I fell in love!
So we are there on the back porch, half naked, talking to the guys next door (they want me us to model for their clothes site), with dye in our hair, smoking cigs and its freezing out, but The Faint is playing so who cares, right? Then I have to go to the Art of Shooting show @Trash but I don’t make it cuz we still have to wash and condition each others hair! So at some point Lily asks me to go with her to meet her friends from NC, we go to Red and Black, Nick is gone. They love it there,its good times, we stay til like 5am and I danced my ass off with Lily, Jamie,(Gina’s guy) and Mike. Ahhhh, Mike. Yo! Let me just talk about Mike for about 3 minutes here, Mike is a hottie who came from NC to intern at Matador and be scouted by modeling agencies, has a girlfriend there who is insecure and jealous and tells him what to do. Mike is BEAUTIFUL. He has perfect cheek bones, great emo/punkrock hair, and a tall lean body. He dresses well and has a great smile. Now, he is not that smart, nor can he dance (he prob cant u know what) but looking at him could be a pastime. Needless to say, I want him. I am putting him in the video.
Sunday I am supposed to go to the studio. I wake up late and run out of Brooklyn! I get there and Vinny and I start talking about what we want for the album etc and I tell him about murdering beethoven, he is excited, but wants me to show up for sessions when I say I will and call him if I’m not. Understandable. I am not going to make a habit of that.. then I get home where I can finally get some sleep and do I? Nope. I start returning calls, and call Mike (the one from Lit) back and Dave. (a guy I met on the bus who is a great poet and sexy as hell) Mike asks me to go to a comedy show with him. Dave asks me to go and hang in his cool car. I say yes to Mike and get ready…we have a nice time and Mike is so smart and sweet, I may actually date him.
Finally I get home @ 12:30am and crash in the middle of my bed with my clothes on listening to The Killers…so yeah, my weekend was sweeeeet! I loved every second and I think my hair is with me on that.
With that this is today's horoscope "Whatever the weather is like outside at the beginning of the week is completely irrelevant, because wherever you are it's hot with a capital H. Your prowess at pretty much everything is staggering -- why not turn some of that sexy storm of energy on your love life? Amp it up, and your honey or that hottie will follow suit. And don't delay; your forecast is prime Monday through Wednesday. After that, you may be distracted by silly little details of day-to-day life, and frankly you've got bigger and better stuff to do."
8/9/04
So Josh and I kinda broke up over the weekend though we were never officially together. The reason is I flipped out and got all-emotional and accused him of something he wasn’t doing and didn’t give him his space to do his recording. I wrote badly about him in my blog on a whim and he read it and got waaay offended. So things are eh for us now, and he has issues with Claudia still. I really like him and it’s unfortunate he doesn’t want to be with me.
In other news, on the same day I saw Oddatee on the bus and he told me how he has wanted to be with me for the last 4 years and though we lost touch and have had other relationships, he has always liked me a lot and wants to go on a date with me, and wants to be in a relationship with me. He, like Josh thinks that because I am a musician that things will just work out. That I will be more understanding than the other girls that have loved them, and wont expect them to give anything substantial that will take away from their love for succeeding. Marco in the same token wants to date as well, but for some reason I don’t feel I can trust him and I have to go with that instinct. I don’t know what he wants from me and he is sooo sexual. That is the last thing I need right now is to get hurt by someone who doesn’t know what they want.
I saw Yotam yesterday to give him back his stuff and wow, I had no feelings for him either way. It was very nice. I guess that means I can get over Josh or anyone given enough time. I was with Yotam closely for more than 6 months and here I am 2 months later seeing him and not caring one way or the other. But I don’t really want to get over Josh, I think he and I are good together, but I guess I have learned not to push it. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with me and I just have to move on quickly and not look back. What I don’t understand is that inevitably it seems no matter who I am with, I find that they don’t want to be with me or cant handle being with me. What the hell am I doing wrong? I don’t know, I mean, I have so many great qualities and a lot of love to give but they don’t want it. What’s wrong with me, or is it them or both?
I know who wants it, David. With David think I would not have these problems. He is 43, creative, well off and happy with himself and his life and his art. He has been there, done that with his life and he still has spunk and joi de vive. He has that beard that I don’t like and he is a little chubby but other than that, damn he is wonderful. He is attentive, affectionate, understanding of my career aspirations and unselfish. I am going to see him this week and be open minded.
I talked to Lily yesterday about the future of the band now that Ben and Steve are gone. We are moving forward without them and gonna pay for rehearsal space and get pay to play members. It’s better for us this way. We are going to finish the songs ourselves and pay studio musicians. Also, I have decided I am gonna finish Happy Fake and Treated this way and the 4 other songs on my own as well. I’m shooting for a CD of all my stuff that I have written, my own CD. Not to sell, but to have and consolidate all I have done and be proud of before I get too old or too lazy to keep recording. I don’t see that happening either though, because look at me? My unflinching ass is still going after 7 long arduous years.
Come the 24th of August I make 6 months at my job! Woo hoo! I love this place still as much as when I first got here, EVEN WITH the Fergal issues and the departure of my supervisor. Write later.
8/10/04
Spoke to Josh last night and he told me how much he loves Claudia and is deciding to be with her after all. Well not with her with her, cuz she doesn’t actually want him when he wants her, but still into her and hanging out with her and being her best friend. He suddenly doesn’t want to see me after all. It was cute actually, reminiscent of what Yotam had said, “oh, you’ll get over this.” and the ever popular “its not you, at all”, it’s nothing against you, its me”.
LO fuckin L cuz if I don’t laugh I will cry. My supervisor was talking about how her sister is getting married and she wonders when will she get married and how every guy she has been with has gotten married right after breaking up with her and this just made me depressed to hear her talking about it like it’s a joke. I know she doesn’t think it is. I certainly am not laughing. Overhearing that conversation is what made me write this.
The funny thing is without the marriage parts, that’s the same as my situation. They leave me ( for one reason or another, but they all usually gave the same reason) to be with the person they will really love. I’m just a fucking precursor, a prototype, the trial sample. I’m the in between girl. Good times, good sex (if that) some music, and lots of laughs. Yeah that’s fuckin great, huh? They meet me when they are about to have a fucking sunshine breakthrough with someone else. No one is ever gonna write me those pretty songs. I’m gonna have to write about myself. Shall we go through the dates for some authentication? First there was Chad who left to find his Rachel, then Johnny to be with (out of fuckin nowhere) sudden love of his life Johanna, Yotam with his new Muon (a week after me), and now Josh with his Claudia of course, who has always been there for him, (not actually there with him in a working relationship, but) in his mind.
Adam told me yesterday that most men want window dressing not a sexy, intelligent, ambitious, passionate, emotional woman like me. They want someone easy, someone who doesn’t think much/talk much/argue much I guess. Well how the hell is that? How can I be window dressing? I want to be happy too damn it! I don’t want to die alone and succeed alone! What do I have to do? What do I have to look like to be this girl? How do I have to act? Wtf?
I can't think about this now. Back to work, I will write more later.
3/15/05
I got this amazingly insightful email from his mom yesterday that was really helpful in making me forget him a bit more. The one nice thing was that she said she loved me and that he loves me very much. What a sweet sentiment. I am seeing Rob again, hanging out with Matt, and meeting more women as I can. Scott is also gonna be a bit of a fixture.
I am keeping busy with music stuff and finding a studio to do this in. I am getting the same thing over and over everywhere. Which is do you have the tracks separate? No I don’t, so what can we do instead? Lol. There has to be a way around that. Or maybe I should just cut my losses and start over again? I don’t know. The whole thing has me a bit frustrated. I mean this is the last 12 years of my life! Maybe I should just talk to Wendell and Mike and Chris and try to get the tracks I need. I guess it couldn’t hurt. I will call them all tonight and tell them why. I’d hate to have to pay people to recreate what we have already done and just didn’t finish for one reason or another due to personal differences. Grrrr.
So I am not seeing Gordon or even probably talking to him til my birthday, who knows if I will see him even then. He needs “space”. Who knows that he will want to spend too much time with me even on that weekend. So I will make other plans and just try to see him on Friday night and maybe Sunday afternoon if he can swing it.
By every conversation we have I feel more and more that he is ever growing distant. I’m over it. I really need to move on. I know he can be checking his Myspace mail, blocking me from leaving sweet comments, and chatting online but not talking to me or saying more than 4 words to me. I am not going to take it in a wrong way, I am just realizing its time to let him go and thoughts of him completely not just a little, completely. No more emails. No more calls. Goodbye Gordon. With his 9-word response email I am sure he thinks that his quota to speaking to me for the day is filled. I don’t really need a guy like that right now. Look at how little I was willing to accept from this guy?
3/29/05
I was born on this day. Wow. It’s just as cloudy/rainy as it was then. I am feeling good and happy with the situation of things. Its weird to say now but I am kinda glad Gordon is not with me. I don’t really think we are that good together in retrospect, he is sooo selfish, with me! I still love him but my god, he is like a male Madonna. All about himself and woe is me to anyone who might get in his way. He is only nice to get what he wants and he always wants something. If you cant give it to him can you introduce him to someone who can? He will do anything he can to impress people that he feels can get him what he wants, which is sad and ambitious all at once. Somehow I could see him rationalizing gay sex in order to get what he wants. He can rationalize any reason for doing anything as long as the result is what he wants. No shame he once said. He also told me that he was a user and rationalized it as “getting hooked up”, no, you use people.
He didn’t even call me to say Happy Birthday. Whatever. I have worn out my usefulness for him. When I told him about the party he missed cuz he was hanging out with his friends and how he could have been meeting people for CA, he was almost salivating. He was like “o why didnt you tell me that?” In other words had I told him he might have pretended like he was having a good time with me so he could meet the people he felt were important to meet. Why didn’t you just not dis me, you jerk.
I think I am gonna see Rob tonight. I went to get my tracklights yesterday for the apt and more paint stuff, and I also got some colored candles and rugs for the blue area. I think the apt over time is gonna look soo cute. I just need to keep making duckets and find more ways to make bigger duckets. “Duckets”, I havent used that in a long time. “Cool beans” has seen no resurrection either. Time to get to work, I will write more if I can later.
9-17-06
So I found out last night that my ex sort of unexpectedly - ( I had just woken up from sleeping to go to Lillith’s b-day party, and what a wakeup call too) is definitely already fucking around and he’s not even talking about it like in a proud way. It kinda hurts me cuz its like o you didn’t have sex with me, or want me, but your content to pay some chick in weed to fuck you? Do you..I guess.
What the fuck is wrong with you son? This inspired me to write such eloquence as Lyric #2 which is “I’m so glad I found out that you a ho,- bitch. I’m so glad you found the do’ - bitch.”Yeah.. so I’m ready now.
There is no going back. If there was even an inkling that "wow.. this is cool, that we are apart and we are getting along so well maybe someday..fuck that! I don’t want that skank. Or his skank's sloppy seconds. LOL. Ugh he's so dirty. I’m worth so much more than that. Another one I will never return to.
06/06/07
well there it was. none of my business innocently sitting there (as a bottle of wine can) and saying nothing next to a bottle of beer. Chris and I have broken up and in going to calm Roscoe I saw it. how do i feel about it?
1 chris is no longer with me and can share bottles of wine with whomever he wants - less violence toward me the better.
2 I dont think at this point in time drinking is going to help him at all to be less violent after what i have read
3 how can he say the things he does to me and then go drinking an entire bottle with someone else?
4 oh wait denial and abuse has answered that question, there is no reason..reason is for rational people, abusive people are not rational - he is not in my reality. he has no reason for doing such things he is propelled by need to act/react - instead of feel - hurt to others and hurting himself like a lunatic.
well.. there it is.
10/1/07
This relationship was less than a year. And just like that last night after no sex, our relationship is over for Chris. He said the moment was when I wanted to clean myself before he went down on me. Now so if I had let him, would things be workable? Had we had sex he would have still cared for me and wanted to be with me and try? And because we did not it was his final straw. And because he left me and I was feeling miserable and unwanted as he has assisted me in feeling the last 2 weeks I was hurt, sad, and angry.
Now he wants “time/space”. He no longer wants me because I relapsed, threatened him, and I cannot be forgiven. No matter that I forgave him time and again, no matter that I have given myself to him time and again, no matter that I still cared and wanted to work it out and had already changed my tune and perception from one that was not working to one that was going to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. No none of that matters now. He was just like Brandon and Gordon with his “I’m over you” sighing to my cries of loving him and my pain of him leaving me. He was just like them in his nonchalance “you are really bothering me with you’re trying to get me back and arguing your point” attitude. “I just don’t and won’t ever want you”. “I need rest, can you leave please?” These were his words..
11/12/07
Relationships, Breakups, Crushes and Boys/Girls I Have Had, Wanted or Loved (A Recount) inc original from 5/14/03
Boy in Germany: I'm five, he's five, I’m, cute, he’s cute, he's my “boyfriend” and I'm his “girlfriend”. Must have been an easy breakup since I don't remember it. LOL
Eric Weber: 4th grade. My first crush, a Leo. Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic, and quiet. He looks absolutely amazing to me! Head over heels for this boy. He makes me blush in front of my whole class and he calls me mean names at our bus stop, he also stands by while David and the other boys attack me in Tanya’s house.
Scott Meyers: 4th grade. He is cute but I don’t like him. He’s just another boy at another party. I think Halloween. Back when my Mom was well and wild she threw me a party she made me do 7 seconds in heaven with this boy in our bathroom.
Eric Weber: I’m in 5th. Yes, still am in love with him. He threw water on our speakers I got beat up by my dad bcuz of him and he also tries to drown me in a bucket. I still dreamt of him walking hand in hand with me on the playground.
Tommy: My god this was my cousin! Nonetheless I wanted him. I pretended he was my boyfriend and that I was grown up.
Mike Passaro: This boy was at first a fill in for Eric W. who didn’t like me. Then we had genuinely good times together. We were into Flash Gordon movies, and comics, he thought I was beautiful and we hung around each other playing everyday. My parents knew his parents, they had huge cookouts and trips.
Eric Weber: 7th grade. Damn when will this boy ever notice me? Doesn’t he see me following behind him? Isn’t he impressed when I speak loudly in his vicinity? Doesn’t he see all the other boys noticing me like I’m a new human? I have a damn tan! I am growing boobs! I went to faraway locales! Look at me!
Joseph Pizzi: 8th grade. OMG. This boy actually made me forget about Eric. He is on the football team. He is popular, he is older, he has a lot of money (or so I think). He is amazing looking. Dark brown curly hair, wide set dark brown yummy eyes, and his body is beautiful. He has a gorgeous smile! Eric? Eric who?
Here is where things get tricky. By now I was 14 and what they call “boy crazy”.
That Summer – I didn’t know which way was up. My mom was letting all these people stay at our house. Yes, even boys. I liked all of these boys for one reason or another. But who could choose?
John / Vinnie / Paul
Dave / Mike
Bryan W
Jeff Rosenthal: our class clown, no girl thinks he’s cute but he is simply awesome in my eyes.
Jeff Pate: He is a southern sexy blonde who is in my Math class.
John Thomasiello: Wow. He is a skateboarder and doesn’t even look at me or know I am alive. I start skateboarding again.
Eric Matheny: 8th grade. My first little sort of boyfriend. God, did he love me in that puppy love way. I am such an asshole. He told my mom he wanted to “wedding kiss” me, said he loved everything about me from my head to my little “dolphin” toes. I really fucked this one up. I hurt this poor boy in every way a girl could hurt someone at 12. He became a jerk after me. His innocent little feelings. =( It makes me sad just thinking about it.
Robin Baitz: The bad friend who I hurt Eric with. I should have known when he showed me a book by Anton LaVey I was in for trouble. I was really crunching on him. He was very cute. I kissed him and not Eric. He was a great kisser for 13, he must have gotten around. Those parents were never home. Eric found out, sadness ensued.
Willie Baez: He is my boyfriend but only on the phone. We talk often. We never see each other. At 13, he lived what seemed like a gajillion miles away.
Alex Johnson: 9th grade. My metal head banger hanger. We had a cool relationship more like friends but with 1 or 2 kissing benefits. We kissed and it was wet kissing and it was once in his little lofty area - a boys room for sure.
Here is where I suicide(1) and leave home.
Chuck: He was going to cook dinner for me and try to be romantic instead I tried to kill myself on the way to his house finally wanting nothing more than to leave mine and never ever come back.
Barry Kaufman: My first real crush, crush and boyfriend. That nose and that freestyle music! I was really into him. I almost moved in with him. He made me the best cheeseburgers! I tried to jump out of his moving car. We stayed together for a year.
Brian Burns: This alternative/emo boy had me by the balls. Hook line and sinker. I never kissed him. Not a boyfriend, but a guy I was crazy about who thought I was a total dork and probably a stalker, if he thought anything of me. He looked like some beautiful junkie godling with his tall, rail thin body, pale-green eyes, paper-white skin, and red hair. I might mention also, not the warmest guy you've ever met. He never smiled, and I never saw him laugh.
Rich Polaski: his friend. Sexy surfer boy. Mmmhh. I kissed him in his den on his couch one late night after sneaking out. I got lost in the woods of Linden, well manicured lawns really but when your 15, its like its the woods!
I try Suicide attempt(2) shipped off to the Dads part of town.
Erman Kim Puebla: This man is my first teen love. We write rap rhymes together. I learn what domestic violence is. I get comfortable and take a seat there. We hurt each other. He puts a gun to my head. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. We plan marriage and kids in the midst of abusive madness. We do drugs together and cheat on each other. We stay together for 4 years. Oddly comfortable with him after leaving home. He beats me almost daily. Until he tries to throw me in front of a car after waiting outside for me all night until I exited a nightclub. He goes to jail; I leave him, my injuries and our relationship in Rikers Island NY.
Leslie: we dress Goth and have sexy displays of affection on Webster Hall and Club USA dance floors. We got drunk a lot and were both pretty confused and miserable as women at the time so we decided we were for each other.
PeeWee: Its Latin for ..? Well, I don’t know but he was a latin hottie who lived across the street. Another Leo. He was smoldering and he had a gf or was she an ex? She was going to beat me up. We listened to Poor Righteous Teachers and made up dances in his “sala”.
(there are boys in between here I liked and I know I’m forgetting)
Brendan: He lives kinda far and he really likes me but we only hang a couple times and nothing really happens between us. He took this really memorable picture of me that everyone says I look just like Selena in.
Randy Maglasang: I never kissed him or anything. A beautiful artist. I liked him very much. We hung out a lot. He had a car so he can pick me up anytime =) He took so many pictures of me, and video, and made me paintings of me with my guitars and my instruments. He hand wrote me love letters, filmed me, and he changed an entire SAT test wording to fit our relationship with questions about us for me to answer. Do you know how many pages and questions an SAT has? How long that must have taken? I love that kind of dedication. When I finally wanted him he said when you are famous look me up. At that point, I realized like all other men, he is a fucking asshole.
Evette: Evette and I have a history that cannot be put into words. We shared a lot together, we were both confused abused little girls and we did things that are indescribable and some that will never be shared with anyone.
Fathey: Younger than me, when I met him he was in a “K-Hole”. He is really quiet and the other guys around at the party are noisy and boisterous, so he is the one I went for. I move in with him. He does hardcore drugs. I try crack. He was everything to me. He reads my mind. He is intelligent. I fall in love. We have sex. It’s great; He was large! I find underwear under our bed. I suspected him of cheating and left him forever.
Carlos Polanco: A good friend of an ex from my childhood (see Baez). We immediately connect, become tight, which leads to more. We do acid together, smoke weed together daily. We have sex constantly, and for hours. We share our poetry, views on politics and write music. He plays guitar and inspires me. He is smart and witty. He also has roaming eyes and lips unfortunately. We smoke mad weed together! I intro him to cross dressing, NYC nightlife, the rave scene, homosexuality and vibrators. “Five to One” will always be my song for him and our sex. He cheats on me and I end our relationship. He becomes a cokehead and robs me and my family blind 2 years after our breakup. I forgive him and invite him to my new place to meet my new bf. He becomes one of my biggest fans. I intro him to the videogame Tibia. We become Tibia videogame addicts together.
Joe Pizzi: This is the boy I had the crush on in HS. I meet with him again. He is into me and we start to go out. HE is not the boy I went to school with, he has changed ALOT. He does drugs, steals, doesn’t work or want to, and listens to Hip Hop. We have great sex and are spontaneous together in everything we do. We talked all the time til he cheats on me then I leave him. How sad. The realization of someone thrown down from a pedestal.
Suicide attempt (3!)
Joseph Anthony Guzman: My poet, my Punchy, my JAG. This is the major love of my life. I am homeless with him in Brooklyn. We squat in a basement for 2 years! No water, no heat, no food, no bed, no money and we are immensely in love and have sex all the time. He was a nice size for me. We have great times together. We write music together. We do drugs. I watch him do drugs. He works night and day so I don’t have to work. Later, he lies to me a lot. I sleep all day; sing to him all night. We fight a lot. I cry, he cries. I cheat. He does more drugs. He inspires many, many poems I have written. Verbal abuse. I am his whore and his saint. We hate and love one another immensely. We have great sex. I make love to him. He makes love to me. We also fuck like rabbits and fold our laundry together.
I get a job for him, leave him and move to NYC then he comes to live with me. I take care of him. We both work all day but he comes home and rubs my feet. We pay bills. I want to marry him. He does more drugs, and says the meanest things. I work hard for him, write songs about him, take him out, buy him things. He says I do nothing for him, I don’t love him, throws my recorder gift onto the highway. We sleep in motels. We get so high. He gets so fucked up he falls asleep out cold in a diner for 3 hours, I watch and wonder about us. He gets into fights. He is loud and noisy and moves his hands a lot. Laughs creepily when things don’t go his way. I still love him. Complains and blames everything wrong on someone else. He is crazy. I leave him. Many of my friends and family nurture a hope that we'll get back together, although it's been 10 years since we broke up. We were together four years and almost got married, but then... we didn't. He was high on our anniversary and that did it for me. I left him that day (surprise!) and walked out of our apartment, left my things and never went back. That breakup kicked me way down into the pits for years. Somebody can be no good for you at all and you'll still love your history together, still miss the companionship. I hook him up with my girl, who for a time, was happy with him.
Shahn Andersen: Boobear. It’s Shahn. Of the Hans Christian or so he says… He was my best friend. He was my bandmate. We go through so much together. There is no other like him. He is in the band Nymph. He is beautiful. Strong. Stubborn. Sexy. I move with him in Queens. I smother him to death. Poor Shahn, I am sorry. Afraid of commitment. I am insecure with him. We have great sex! Kinky sex. Sexy sex. Bathroom sex. Constant sex. He likes boys and girls. He has had sex with both. He is faithful, honest and ambitious. We break up because 9-11 and he doesn’t ever want to marry me after 2 years. He is a commitment o phobe and I realized he would never be just mine. Shahn may never marry for real.
Bastion: Chu Monster, Chu-chee! We lasted a year and then some with breakups in between. I meet him and ask him to marry me the first night we are introduced. He leaves his girlfriend for me. He cheats on me, I forgive him. He said yes to me. I give up my promise to God for him. He is so good to me. He loves me. He supports me. He is clueless at first sexually but I get to teach him. We have warm sex. Sweet sex. Then he became my fuck machine. LOL. He is terrible with money. I feel I have to take care of him. I am demanding. He is a Momma’s boy. Hell, I love his mama too. I start to look around during a fight, meet someone online and I break up with him. I still miss him and his crazy ways.
Joseph Arthur: I am in crush with him for 3 years. I listened to his music daily. I meet him before a show. He is actually into me too. We date. Since he is somewhat famous I am not going to go into any detail about us. I respect him and his work and don’t kiss and tell.
Jimmy Urine: MSI frontman. I write him for 2 years. We have a correspondence and cool little thing for a time. I've yet to meet him. I promise u though, I will. I want to write with him. I want to watch him write. I want to talk to him and share my insanity with someone I know will relate! Jimmy's the nerdiest biddomb!
Chad Reyes: “Wifey” wow. An almost indescribable guy. He is the one I thought was “The One.” When I met him I felt like I had always known him. I never see him, he lives miles away, but I feel like he has always been here. He gets me close to God. He is everything. From the first sentence, I had it for him. Whatever “it” is. Being with him is warmth, listening to him sing and talking to him was heaven, watching him. Breathing him in. I breathe Chad. He changed me in many ways. I hope. I hope. I hoped for Chad. I learned what true love is. Sex? All my angels please go to work on this one: I don’t know that I will ever have sex with him. He was “saving it for God.” He did however this interesting wall move that I will never forget and there is also the candlewax incident and many bathroom/shower sessions with “Chad Lee.” Another jerk though, this one would talk to girls online while he and his best friend were living with me in my apartment. Is there a pattern here?
Yotam Ginzberg: Yotam was a hard nosed NYC mover transplant from Israel with a great smile and witty sarcastic humor who after meeting me in my music studio, carried me 6 blocks in the pouring rain to a Chinese restaurant so I wouldn’t get my Chucks wet. The night I met him we quickly became “involved” for a year. I didn’t trust him though and I always was jealous of girls he was “friends with/talking to”. Sex with him was very hot, steamy and heavy. We had sex all the time and as often as possible. We made pink linguini; we had a lot of verbal abuse and later physical abuse ended our relationship. His younger brother came to visit from Israel and he slapped me in the face on the train as his brother mentioned he should, (what the fuck was up in that family that that was an acceptable suggestion/response?) and things were never the same after that. He broke up with me because he did not want to go to abuse counseling and he had been talking on email to his now current gf. Good luck to her, I say!
John Cervini: At first poetic and seemingly wistful and romantic, he wrote me words of adoration and true fucking melt your heart poetry. A musician from Queens, he was a player in every sense of the word. This guy is scum. I never trusted him as far as I could throw him and with good reason because he showed that he never could be. He practically raped me the first time we were even attempting to get physical. He was the biggest asshole and loser I have ever met. He now has a baby girl and is currently probably cheating on his gf with someone else.
Josh Kane: Drummer. This is how I think of him. Pounding my pussy like he did the drums. Ah that massage, ah the fireplace. Ah my body and how it could bend all the way backwards in those days. I was too into this guy and he was too into himself and another girl. I should have known better. But we had fucking awesome times together. His jokes, his wit, were bar none. I went to see Anchorman with him and laughed and hee hawed and actually kicked shit, and he still wanted to date me (fuck me?). lol. I warmed to him quick but I was totally clingy and couldn’t understand the concept of “space” yet.
Gordon Nelson-White: My little selfish bastard of privilege boyfriend. He was cool, funny and sarcastic,(as they all are, the pattern is completing by this time, eyes WERE somewhat opening) He has a lot of money, lives in MD and I travel to see his ass and he travels to see me. We have a LD relationship of sarcasm, verbal abuse, expensive dinners, male privilege and sex, sex, sex! Gordo Rockets and I had great sex! He was a dirty, coking, drinking, Jon Stewart loving wanna be film maker with a ungodly obsession of Stanley Kubrick. We had a great time in FL, and on Valentine’s. We stayed together for a year and half. He likes a finger in the ass and I poured wine on my body while sliding it in. God that was hot! I am hot. Speaking of hot, I burned my leg to the bone, and because it coincided with his ski trip to Seattle, he left me for the trip and his mother drove 400 miles to care for me instead – he called me maybe 3 times. Another one I always accused of cheating, he was a fucking flirt and he ideally wanted to fuck everything that moved before he died.
Ed: A Sid Vicious look a like. Jesus! This guy was insane. I was waay drunk. Yelling at me, smoking like a chimney, breaking glass and screaming into the microphone, moving like a injured wolf/kangaroo onstage. I thought he had some kind of retardation until he actually started talking.
Brandon Nelson: Another star fucker or just a boy that was a fucker in Los Angeles. This boy reeked of arrogance and destruction when I met him. I was completely disgusted by him and did not give him the time of day. He gave off this eerie Charles Manson type charm. I had fled my hurt from NY to CA from Gordon and a couple months of ONS. As luck would have it and past experience, I warmed to him over a drug scare and too little sleep from jetlag. Then I fell for him. I moved to CA for him and it was the worst and best thing I have ever done. He looked like Anthony and acted like a fucking sociopath and I guess this was the lesson I needed to learn in life. Not only are there boys out there that would fuck me over in a relationship (cheating or lying) but I could also tie myself to someone and get completely fucked over in life (credit destroyed, name blemished, records fucked with, cops, guns and gang violence, evictions, car liens, drug dealers). This guy took what little self respect, self love, and confidence I actually had. This drug dealing, lying, borrows from Peter to pay Paul loser fucking ruined my life. I also became addicted to World of Warcraft during this time and spent 2 years of my life doing nothing with this guy while he fucking smoked weed, slobbered, lazily didn’t work, didn’t clean and could only get it up with a dick in his ass. He was a narcissistic psycho that is incapable of feeling anything for anyone else. The sex was just like him, nice at first.
Chris: Chris. Jesus for such a big package you sure did pack a small wallop. Not true, I just always wanted to say that. You were my second and last fattie. I learned so much from our relationship. We had a verbally abusive relationship AND a physically abusive one. I actually beat you up. I am sorry. This relationship my eyes were fully OPENED and I learned a lot about me and my own past.
Another ass lover, you loved it in the ass. I enjoyed thoroughly our sex when it was good, it was fucking really good. I moved to CA for Brandon but I stayed there for you. You lied. You emotionally cheated on me, yet you took care of me when I needed someone, all to get in these pants. You cooked for me, and gave me great massages. When you started going to abuse counseling and the NA meetings, there were times in our relationship when I felt you could have been “The One” and I would have been faithful to your ugly ass but no, instead you decided to look at other women, continue lying and keep being a pothead. You were a fucking polarization of relationship hell and heaven. I guess we were that together. I really loved you the way an adult loves. I just wanted you to not be selfish, to stop doing drugs and stop looking around for other women to fuck and love just me, but you couldn’t and that is why I had to leave you. You wanted me to stop being abusive, to trust you completely after you (and everyone else) had cheated and to just be a generally happy and healthy person.
OK after re-reading this I know I am crazy like, yeah! UPDATE > 2007 After rereading this I know that I have always believed no one would ever love me and so I got exactly that. I also know that I chose those assholes on purpose and because I grew up with abuse it is exactly what I was used to with Daddy and gravitated to in adulthood. After Chris, I will be actively trying to choose differently. I have learned a lot.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Best things I have read today..
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her. ♥"
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6"
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...."
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
"HOW TO SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS
‘To become a man is not easy’ is a popular saying. This is because boys are born, but men are consciously made. Being a male is a matter of birth, but being a man is a matter of choice. There are a number of characteristics that make a man. Maturity is one of them.
I read about a man who epitomised maturity in my Bible study today, and I must confess I was really humbled by the time I finished reading the passage. It’s my honour to share the insights with you. Please meet Mr Boaz, the son of Salmon and Rahab (a former harlot):
Ruth 3:7-17
7 And after Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was cheerful, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of grain; and she came softly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. 8 Now it happened at midnight that the man was startled, and turned himself; and there, a woman was lying at his feet. 9 And he said, “Who are you?” So she answered, “I am Ruth, your maidservant. Take your maidservant under your wing, for you are a close relative.” 10 Then he said, “Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter! For you have shown more kindness at the end than at the beginning, in that you did not go after young men, whether poor or rich. 11 And now, my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you all that you request, for all the people of my town know that you are a virtuous woman. 12 Now it is true that I am a close relative; however, there is a relative closer than I. 13 Stay this night, and in the morning it shall be that if he will perform the duty of a close relative for you—good; let him do it. But if he does not want to perform the duty for you, then I will perform the duty for you, as the LORD lives! Lie down until morning.” 14 So she lay at his feet until morning, and she arose before one could recognize another. Then he said, “Do not let it be known that the woman came to the threshing floor.” 15 Also he said, “Bring the shawl that is on you and hold it.” And when she held it, he measured six ephahs of barley, and laid it on her. Then she went into the city. 16 When she came to her mother-in-law, she said, “Is that you, my daughter?” Then she told her all that the man had done for her. 17 And she said, “These six ephahs of barley he gave me; for he said to me, ‘Do not go empty-handed to your mother-in-law.’”
A Boaz-like man does not use the alibi of alcohol, loneliness or other forms of inducement to seduce a woman. Boaz was drunk that night, but he didn’t use that as an excuse to lure Ruth to bed. He retained his sanity even in his drunkenness.
A Boaz-like man does not take undue advantage of a woman in the night. It was late in the cold night that Boaz woke up to see Ruth lying by his feet, but he did not use that as an excuse to sleep with her.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman when she is alone with him. Note that they were both alone at the place that Boaz slept, but he did not capitalise on that to have his way with her.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s weakness/inability to satisfy his own amorous desire. Ruth couldn’t have mustered enough strength to resist Boaz if he had decided to sleep with her, but that did not make him do it.
A Boaz-like man does not fulfil his own selfish desires at the expense of a woman. Ruth was poor, needy, and a widow. But Boaz did not because of that satisfy his manly urge on her, after all she won’t have minded and nobody would have known.
A Boaz-like man does not use a woman’s words as an excuse to satisfy his desire on her. Note that Ruth herself said some words that could be termed as “invitation to play” to Boaz. But he did not use that as an ignition key to go wild.
A Boaz-like man is patient in disposition and speaks kindly to a woman, no matter what she does wrongly. Boaz did not attempt to establish his piety/chastity by lambasting Ruth for seducing him. On the contrary, he was very gentle with her and helped her to realise why he wouldn’t do what she requested of him. He did it in such a way that she did not feel bad and went away with her shoulders sagged in shame for being too forward.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s ignorance and naivety. Ruth did not know the full meaning of the words she said to Boaz. In addition, she was a foreigner who did not know the custom of the Israelites, Boaz could have capitalised on these two factors to take advantage of her, but he didn’t.
A Boaz-like man does not capitalise on a woman’s attraction, liking or predilection to/for him to have his way with her, under the guise that she is a willing participant. Boaz did not use Ruth’s allure as an excuse to sleep with her.
A Boaz-like man does the right thing by a woman and does not pursue a personal agenda. Boaz was a single man himself, with all the urges of a full-blooded man, but he did not because of that stake his clam to Ruth immediately - even while she was willing. On the contrary, he said there was someone else who had greater claim to her as a relative than him. And that person should have her, not him.
A Boaz-like man protects a woman’s dignity, no matter the frailness of her state. Boaz respected the dignity of Ruth by not touching her, allowing her to stay the night, and sending her away very early the next morning before people get to see her and tongues begin to wag.
A Boaz-like man is self-assured. Boaz did not allow the tension of the moment to becloud his personality, particularly his generosity. He still scooped a generous measure of wheat for Ruth and her Naomi, her mother-in-law.
A Boaz-like man is proactive. Naomi testified to this by saying he wouldn’t rest until the matter is settled. And true to type, he didn’t. He sought to settle the issue of Ruth’s future and security by calling on the elders of the land to do the needful and right thing by her. (Check chapter 4)
Here I pause my submission for now. I’m sure you will glean more insights if you take time to read and meditate on the passage yourself.
Being a man like Boaz – an epitome of dignity and maturity – is no child’s play. May the LORD help us men to be much more. And may He help the womenfolk to separate the man from the boys.
Thanks for reading."
http://macbethology.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-separate-men-from-boys.html
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6"
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...."
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."
"HOW TO SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS
‘To become a man is not easy’ is a popular saying. This is because boys are born, but men are consciously made. Being a male is a matter of birth, but being a man is a matter of choice. There are a number of characteristics that make a man. Maturity is one of them.
I read about a man who epitomised maturity in my Bible study today, and I must confess I was really humbled by the time I finished reading the passage. It’s my honour to share the insights with you. Please meet Mr Boaz, the son of Salmon and Rahab (a former harlot):
Ruth 3:7-17
7 And after Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was cheerful, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of grain; and she came softly, uncovered his feet, and lay down. 8 Now it happened at midnight that the man was startled, and turned himself; and there, a woman was lying at his feet. 9 And he said, “Who are you?” So she answered, “I am Ruth, your maidservant. Take your maidservant under your wing, for you are a close relative.” 10 Then he said, “Blessed are you of the LORD, my daughter! For you have shown more kindness at the end than at the beginning, in that you did not go after young men, whether poor or rich. 11 And now, my daughter, do not fear. I will do for you all that you request, for all the people of my town know that you are a virtuous woman. 12 Now it is true that I am a close relative; however, there is a relative closer than I. 13 Stay this night, and in the morning it shall be that if he will perform the duty of a close relative for you—good; let him do it. But if he does not want to perform the duty for you, then I will perform the duty for you, as the LORD lives! Lie down until morning.” 14 So she lay at his feet until morning, and she arose before one could recognize another. Then he said, “Do not let it be known that the woman came to the threshing floor.” 15 Also he said, “Bring the shawl that is on you and hold it.” And when she held it, he measured six ephahs of barley, and laid it on her. Then she went into the city. 16 When she came to her mother-in-law, she said, “Is that you, my daughter?” Then she told her all that the man had done for her. 17 And she said, “These six ephahs of barley he gave me; for he said to me, ‘Do not go empty-handed to your mother-in-law.’”
A Boaz-like man does not use the alibi of alcohol, loneliness or other forms of inducement to seduce a woman. Boaz was drunk that night, but he didn’t use that as an excuse to lure Ruth to bed. He retained his sanity even in his drunkenness.
A Boaz-like man does not take undue advantage of a woman in the night. It was late in the cold night that Boaz woke up to see Ruth lying by his feet, but he did not use that as an excuse to sleep with her.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman when she is alone with him. Note that they were both alone at the place that Boaz slept, but he did not capitalise on that to have his way with her.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s weakness/inability to satisfy his own amorous desire. Ruth couldn’t have mustered enough strength to resist Boaz if he had decided to sleep with her, but that did not make him do it.
A Boaz-like man does not fulfil his own selfish desires at the expense of a woman. Ruth was poor, needy, and a widow. But Boaz did not because of that satisfy his manly urge on her, after all she won’t have minded and nobody would have known.
A Boaz-like man does not use a woman’s words as an excuse to satisfy his desire on her. Note that Ruth herself said some words that could be termed as “invitation to play” to Boaz. But he did not use that as an ignition key to go wild.
A Boaz-like man is patient in disposition and speaks kindly to a woman, no matter what she does wrongly. Boaz did not attempt to establish his piety/chastity by lambasting Ruth for seducing him. On the contrary, he was very gentle with her and helped her to realise why he wouldn’t do what she requested of him. He did it in such a way that she did not feel bad and went away with her shoulders sagged in shame for being too forward.
A Boaz-like man does not take advantage of a woman’s ignorance and naivety. Ruth did not know the full meaning of the words she said to Boaz. In addition, she was a foreigner who did not know the custom of the Israelites, Boaz could have capitalised on these two factors to take advantage of her, but he didn’t.
A Boaz-like man does not capitalise on a woman’s attraction, liking or predilection to/for him to have his way with her, under the guise that she is a willing participant. Boaz did not use Ruth’s allure as an excuse to sleep with her.
A Boaz-like man does the right thing by a woman and does not pursue a personal agenda. Boaz was a single man himself, with all the urges of a full-blooded man, but he did not because of that stake his clam to Ruth immediately - even while she was willing. On the contrary, he said there was someone else who had greater claim to her as a relative than him. And that person should have her, not him.
A Boaz-like man protects a woman’s dignity, no matter the frailness of her state. Boaz respected the dignity of Ruth by not touching her, allowing her to stay the night, and sending her away very early the next morning before people get to see her and tongues begin to wag.
A Boaz-like man is self-assured. Boaz did not allow the tension of the moment to becloud his personality, particularly his generosity. He still scooped a generous measure of wheat for Ruth and her Naomi, her mother-in-law.
A Boaz-like man is proactive. Naomi testified to this by saying he wouldn’t rest until the matter is settled. And true to type, he didn’t. He sought to settle the issue of Ruth’s future and security by calling on the elders of the land to do the needful and right thing by her. (Check chapter 4)
Here I pause my submission for now. I’m sure you will glean more insights if you take time to read and meditate on the passage yourself.
Being a man like Boaz – an epitome of dignity and maturity – is no child’s play. May the LORD help us men to be much more. And may He help the womenfolk to separate the man from the boys.
Thanks for reading."
http://macbethology.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-separate-men-from-boys.html
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Signal Faded - "'I've Got a Confession"
I have been set free with the truth! I cannot say, words cannot express how happy I am right now. Warning this is prob gonna be a long post.
I talked to Chris yesterday and he and I had been foolishly trying to get back together/ After we had broken up on 3/26 and then didn't talk or see one another again until 6/15. I said I was going to take it slow but did not and we again rushed into being together. In retrospect, we also rushed back into our previous problems without really building a new friendship over time at all. All in just one month. Thats 4 weeks, and yet expecting overnight changes on both our ends. During that time 6/17 (hanging up), 6/29 (brain damage), 7/12 (delusional) and 7/15 (Paige/our past/his decision of trust/my needing his pure honesty) issues cropped.
Anyway, last night God put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his past and his present. He realized I do not deserve to be cheated on. To give a recap..last Saturday, 7/19, Chris and I had a long talk and he said he was ashamed and guilty of the things from the past he had done to me and really was not sure that he wanted to be together. Then Sunday after church he said he did want to be together and try and said he felt positive we could work it out. Monday we did not see each other. I gave up my needs for his (he was feeling very sad about work stuff) and left him alone to grieve then went to comfort him after learning about validation.
Tuesday I barely spoke to him during the day and at night I came over and asked to review the past so we could move on with the truth for our future. If he can give me this I would give him the benefit of the doubt moving forward and after going back and getting the dirty I would not bring up our past or his mistakes again so he could feel trusted and good and I could get over it. I didn't want to make anymore assumptions and I wanted to "clear the air" as it were. However, the night as I was going through it all, instead of being supportive and understanding that I needed this and that he had hurt me, he got angry and abusive with me, hurt me more and so I left crying and thinking he does not really want to do this and move on and he doesn't love me anymore to even try. However, I found out later he stayed completely silent as I was crying and expressing myself because he felt he didn't have anything nice to say which I appreciated.
Wednesday I did not call him because I was hurt from his actions the night before, and I did not hear from him all day and then saw him at mini-church where I didn't think he wanted to talk to me, or be with me or see me (I was still waiting on an answer from him on whether were going to try to be together or not) so I left him alone and tried to be distantly friendly instead of angry.
Thursday I again did not hear from him. He spent the day working, then surfing and hanging out with his friend without contacting me still to apologize (I already felt so bad from the prior days) or even to ask to see me on Friday or Saturday so we could spend time and work it out. I was saddened that Chris didn't want to be around me or see me and I tried reaching out to talk to him all night, to no avail, he did not answer his phone. I got hurt by this and resigned myself to go to sleep crying.
Friday morning I called him to tell him how I felt and ask what the hell was going on and he said "I am tired of you and this relationship." "I don't have time for this" "We always talk for too long - it's been 42 minutes" "I don't need this shit anymore" "I don't want to be your boyfriend". I went into a tailspin at this and later after some other life things occurred became depressed, suicidal and probably would have stayed that way until..
Chris called me later in the evening and told me he had evidence that he doesn't want to be with me and apologized for Tuesday night. He confessed to me the truth. I found out that Chris (while I was feeling sad, hurt, dejected and wanting to work on us, thinking he needed time to figure things out) propositioned a girl on Thursday night at the pool hall while he was playing pool with Ray. He actually actively went up and tried to pick up a girl to befriend and to be more. Prior to this he had done this only online with sex sites and at work, however now he did it in person. =( He said to me this is a compulsion of his and that he didn't want to control it at the time or know why he does it but it isn't Christian and it isn't right to do to me and he has realized that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. He doesn't get his needs met by me and also admitted he doesn't meet mine (my needs are being faithful, being honest, being mostly nice, being supportive, being off drugs, calling about 2x a day and seeing one another at least 3x a week). I asked him what were his needs and he said he did not know. He said he doesn't know what he wants right now and that he doesn't feel he even has a relationship with God or himself to get to the place where we could ever be together. I asked him what I can do and he said there is nothing I can do. "We are just not compatible and it's time for us to see the writing on the wall. We have tried for more than a year."
At first, I was destroyed by all this information. "Again!", I thought. "he did it to me again!" "I am just not good enough for him to be with only me!" Then... this was replaced with calm and satisfaction that he was honest with me and had told me everything he felt. The sadness subsided into conviction and I then felt...nothing. I realized at that point, this is what God was trying to tell me on Saturday night as I lay there awake while watching him sleep, wondering where I went wrong and why I couldn't be loved by him. I then asked Chris if this is how he is going to continue this behavior and he said "Yes probably". This is what God has been telling me and us all along. Chris will not be true to me, for whatever reason. AND...it's ok because at least he has finally told me the truth. He has let me go knowing the truth! I can go without wondering the what if's and with no more lies to be unfolded or figured out!
It felt so good to hear! I cannot say hurt and yet ultimately happy I was afterward! It was validation of my feelings and fears. It was needing to hear everything I needed to hear. I will never be his #1. He will not be with me and does not want me. His honesty was enough to make me see what I could not all along because everything was hidden by lies and half-truths and his desire to have me and others. I do not want to be in that relationship or with Chris. I want a man I can be friends with, trust, who respects me, and loves me and desires Christ, wants only me and is capable of self-control. I know now that God is really on my side! He has shown this to me and let me see and hear the truth finally. He has shown this to us, because he wants me to get closer to Him and he does not want me to hurt anymore! I think he wants Chris to get closer to Him as well. He has put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his feelings for me and what he has done. I am so so so happy. I am so so so thankful!
I woke up this am to give PRAISE TO GOD FOR LOVING ME! FOR FREEING ME! FOR GIVING ME A LIFT! FOR WANTING THE BEST FOR ME!
Verse of HOPEIsaiah Chap 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalms 120+ 121
I call on the LORD in my distress,and he answers me.
Save me, O LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
What will he do to you, and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,with burning coals of the broom tree.
Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech, that I live among the tents of Kedar!
Too long have I lived among those who hate peace.
I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A VERSE FOR DISTRESS
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, the additional wisdom of the break up bcuz its broken book, some excerpts:
"Though he may say he cares and may say he wants to be "friends", ultimately he does not want to be together and he does not really want to talk to you. He will "miss you" with having no intention of getting back together. "Breaking up with someone sucks, but once you get past the initial guilt, the overwhelming feeling is relief." This is how he feels. So while you want to know what he is thinking and the who's/why's its probably this: "he feels kinda bad about hurting your feelings, he might miss you sometimes, and even think of calling but ultimately he is relieved that it is over." "He is moving on and you deserve to also!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson remains "Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."
I talked to Chris yesterday and he and I had been foolishly trying to get back together/ After we had broken up on 3/26 and then didn't talk or see one another again until 6/15. I said I was going to take it slow but did not and we again rushed into being together. In retrospect, we also rushed back into our previous problems without really building a new friendship over time at all. All in just one month. Thats 4 weeks, and yet expecting overnight changes on both our ends. During that time 6/17 (hanging up), 6/29 (brain damage), 7/12 (delusional) and 7/15 (Paige/our past/his decision of trust/my needing his pure honesty) issues cropped.
Anyway, last night God put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his past and his present. He realized I do not deserve to be cheated on. To give a recap..last Saturday, 7/19, Chris and I had a long talk and he said he was ashamed and guilty of the things from the past he had done to me and really was not sure that he wanted to be together. Then Sunday after church he said he did want to be together and try and said he felt positive we could work it out. Monday we did not see each other. I gave up my needs for his (he was feeling very sad about work stuff) and left him alone to grieve then went to comfort him after learning about validation.
Tuesday I barely spoke to him during the day and at night I came over and asked to review the past so we could move on with the truth for our future. If he can give me this I would give him the benefit of the doubt moving forward and after going back and getting the dirty I would not bring up our past or his mistakes again so he could feel trusted and good and I could get over it. I didn't want to make anymore assumptions and I wanted to "clear the air" as it were. However, the night as I was going through it all, instead of being supportive and understanding that I needed this and that he had hurt me, he got angry and abusive with me, hurt me more and so I left crying and thinking he does not really want to do this and move on and he doesn't love me anymore to even try. However, I found out later he stayed completely silent as I was crying and expressing myself because he felt he didn't have anything nice to say which I appreciated.
Wednesday I did not call him because I was hurt from his actions the night before, and I did not hear from him all day and then saw him at mini-church where I didn't think he wanted to talk to me, or be with me or see me (I was still waiting on an answer from him on whether were going to try to be together or not) so I left him alone and tried to be distantly friendly instead of angry.
Thursday I again did not hear from him. He spent the day working, then surfing and hanging out with his friend without contacting me still to apologize (I already felt so bad from the prior days) or even to ask to see me on Friday or Saturday so we could spend time and work it out. I was saddened that Chris didn't want to be around me or see me and I tried reaching out to talk to him all night, to no avail, he did not answer his phone. I got hurt by this and resigned myself to go to sleep crying.
Friday morning I called him to tell him how I felt and ask what the hell was going on and he said "I am tired of you and this relationship." "I don't have time for this" "We always talk for too long - it's been 42 minutes" "I don't need this shit anymore" "I don't want to be your boyfriend". I went into a tailspin at this and later after some other life things occurred became depressed, suicidal and probably would have stayed that way until..
Chris called me later in the evening and told me he had evidence that he doesn't want to be with me and apologized for Tuesday night. He confessed to me the truth. I found out that Chris (while I was feeling sad, hurt, dejected and wanting to work on us, thinking he needed time to figure things out) propositioned a girl on Thursday night at the pool hall while he was playing pool with Ray. He actually actively went up and tried to pick up a girl to befriend and to be more. Prior to this he had done this only online with sex sites and at work, however now he did it in person. =( He said to me this is a compulsion of his and that he didn't want to control it at the time or know why he does it but it isn't Christian and it isn't right to do to me and he has realized that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. He doesn't get his needs met by me and also admitted he doesn't meet mine (my needs are being faithful, being honest, being mostly nice, being supportive, being off drugs, calling about 2x a day and seeing one another at least 3x a week). I asked him what were his needs and he said he did not know. He said he doesn't know what he wants right now and that he doesn't feel he even has a relationship with God or himself to get to the place where we could ever be together. I asked him what I can do and he said there is nothing I can do. "We are just not compatible and it's time for us to see the writing on the wall. We have tried for more than a year."
At first, I was destroyed by all this information. "Again!", I thought. "he did it to me again!" "I am just not good enough for him to be with only me!" Then... this was replaced with calm and satisfaction that he was honest with me and had told me everything he felt. The sadness subsided into conviction and I then felt...nothing. I realized at that point, this is what God was trying to tell me on Saturday night as I lay there awake while watching him sleep, wondering where I went wrong and why I couldn't be loved by him. I then asked Chris if this is how he is going to continue this behavior and he said "Yes probably". This is what God has been telling me and us all along. Chris will not be true to me, for whatever reason. AND...it's ok because at least he has finally told me the truth. He has let me go knowing the truth! I can go without wondering the what if's and with no more lies to be unfolded or figured out!
It felt so good to hear! I cannot say hurt and yet ultimately happy I was afterward! It was validation of my feelings and fears. It was needing to hear everything I needed to hear. I will never be his #1. He will not be with me and does not want me. His honesty was enough to make me see what I could not all along because everything was hidden by lies and half-truths and his desire to have me and others. I do not want to be in that relationship or with Chris. I want a man I can be friends with, trust, who respects me, and loves me and desires Christ, wants only me and is capable of self-control. I know now that God is really on my side! He has shown this to me and let me see and hear the truth finally. He has shown this to us, because he wants me to get closer to Him and he does not want me to hurt anymore! I think he wants Chris to get closer to Him as well. He has put it in Chris's heart to tell me the truth about his feelings for me and what he has done. I am so so so happy. I am so so so thankful!
I woke up this am to give PRAISE TO GOD FOR LOVING ME! FOR FREEING ME! FOR GIVING ME A LIFT! FOR WANTING THE BEST FOR ME!
Verse of HOPEIsaiah Chap 40
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
11 "All who rage against you
will surely be ashamed and disgraced;
those who oppose you
will be as nothing and perish.
12 Though you search for your enemies,
you will not find them.
Those who wage war against you
will be as nothing at all.
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Psalms 120+ 121
I call on the LORD in my distress,and he answers me.
Save me, O LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
What will he do to you, and what more besides, O deceitful tongue?
He will punish you with a warrior's sharp arrows,with burning coals of the broom tree.
Woe to me that I dwell in Meshech, that I live among the tents of Kedar!
Too long have I lived among those who hate peace.
I am a man of peace; but when I speak, they are for war.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A VERSE FOR DISTRESS
I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, the additional wisdom of the break up bcuz its broken book, some excerpts:
"Though he may say he cares and may say he wants to be "friends", ultimately he does not want to be together and he does not really want to talk to you. He will "miss you" with having no intention of getting back together. "Breaking up with someone sucks, but once you get past the initial guilt, the overwhelming feeling is relief." This is how he feels. So while you want to know what he is thinking and the who's/why's its probably this: "he feels kinda bad about hurting your feelings, he might miss you sometimes, and even think of calling but ultimately he is relieved that it is over." "He is moving on and you deserve to also!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson remains "Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Todays thoughts
Not contacting Chris today, or tomorrow or any day until he actually makes an action toward saying he wants to apologize, wants to re-build the trust and he wants to share the truth with me and is ready to do so. He knows what I want and what I need to move on. He either will or wont. Not with words, with actions.
If his actions are to "just leave it alone" or "focus in the now" as he is fond of, as they have been in the past or to ignore us and focus on himself and his desires, future, and wants, then that is his choice.
I need to let go and let God.
UPDATE - I went back on my own words. I contacted him and asked why he had not called me today. He calmly stated he was working out, was going surfing and would make food and call me back. He has not contacted me since and there has been no call. There has been no mention of him saying I am sorry. There has been no bringing up the issue I told him was important to me. I think realistically, this is a person who may think he loves me but just doesn't love me enough to care when he hurts me or hopes that I will forget and that it will just go away. This person is too consumed with themselves to be with me and to rebuild anything they have destroyed.
I do not know why I continue to do this to myself? I keep trying to fix things and I am with someone who hurts me without remorse and just continues to talk, talk, talk and not back up their actions. I should not have to remind someone they hurt me and force them to apologize or want to work things out. I should not always have to be the one bringing up things that are important to me TIME AFTER TIME. IF I AM IMPORTANT TO THEM, THEY WOULD WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.
I really hate feeling this way. I think God is telling me that no, this is not the one and that I need to let this go. It's time to listen, because truly I have been unable to do this on my own. My forgiveness time and again has allowed this person to keep hurting me. I do not think this is what Jesus would want or God. I pray God gives me the strength to let go. Please help me to let go Lord.
If his actions are to "just leave it alone" or "focus in the now" as he is fond of, as they have been in the past or to ignore us and focus on himself and his desires, future, and wants, then that is his choice.
I need to let go and let God.
UPDATE - I went back on my own words. I contacted him and asked why he had not called me today. He calmly stated he was working out, was going surfing and would make food and call me back. He has not contacted me since and there has been no call. There has been no mention of him saying I am sorry. There has been no bringing up the issue I told him was important to me. I think realistically, this is a person who may think he loves me but just doesn't love me enough to care when he hurts me or hopes that I will forget and that it will just go away. This person is too consumed with themselves to be with me and to rebuild anything they have destroyed.
I do not know why I continue to do this to myself? I keep trying to fix things and I am with someone who hurts me without remorse and just continues to talk, talk, talk and not back up their actions. I should not have to remind someone they hurt me and force them to apologize or want to work things out. I should not always have to be the one bringing up things that are important to me TIME AFTER TIME. IF I AM IMPORTANT TO THEM, THEY WOULD WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.
I really hate feeling this way. I think God is telling me that no, this is not the one and that I need to let this go. It's time to listen, because truly I have been unable to do this on my own. My forgiveness time and again has allowed this person to keep hurting me. I do not think this is what Jesus would want or God. I pray God gives me the strength to let go. Please help me to let go Lord.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Invalidation
Last night a friend was upset and I tried to calm him through it, used words to "cheer him" up, and/or just quietly listen to him, I offered "advice" or so I thought, but he was very sad, felt worthless and hopeless and like a failure and just did not want to talk and felt really bad. So much so that he just wanted to isolate and based on the things I said (I reread them) he possibly wanted to isolate more. No wonder he wanted to smoke. No one likes to feel that way! I was in essence at first telling him to get over it, it isnt so bad, and that he should not feel that way! I didn't know it at the time though. He wanted to get high and run away from it but thought the better for himself. I am so proud of him for this.
However, I realized after reading the below info, I did not help the situation and I very often do this invalidation with my language and he does it to me. Wow! He needed something from me that I have never received myself, real validation of those bad feelings of his. Even though I have never received this and have heard the below most of my life, I went to him last night intent on validating him from this point on. Telling him I understand why and how he would feel that way and that if he wanted to talk about it I would listen. I left it at that.
I was able to give validation to him only AFTER I actually put myself there (and tried to understand his actual feeling) and understood the concept I realized it then and there. However, I think it was too late for that time but now that I know it, I can try to make sure it does not happen again. That i dont let anyone do that to me anymore and that I also don't do it to someone else. People do this to kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME then wonder why we're like this when we grow up.
http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#The%20Invalidating%20Couple
Invalidation in apologies - http://1stholistic.com/Reading/health/health-im-sorry-blame-game-or-accountability.htm
Here are some excerpts - one by one they don't hurt but taken together and over time..
they are demoralizing and hurtful to someone who is already hurting. They crush and destroy people and relationships. This is also categorized under "verbal abuse".
Examples of invalidating expressions. --> Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you. (but I am listening to you)
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago. You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.
The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.
HERE IS HOW TO VALIDATE SOMEONE
No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.
It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?
Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.
I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over'...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away every pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept.
Accepting loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve...No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.
Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life..and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.
Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever...and that I have ruined my life..forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy..I need it.
My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.
I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in ANY event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve..to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life.
If your friend is hurting..if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT..let them feel it..validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong..'feelings' are not wrong! The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.
What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.
And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.
If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all..it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?
I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.
They see and feel what they see and feel, and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices' don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are.-and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...
Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.
Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers. Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it and if you give them the hurtful advice/words that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.
You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.
To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.
As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.
If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive - they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.
So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you, their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.
And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.
No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.
It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the person, place, memory, thing is gone. Please be respectful of that. Everyone needs time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.
Nothing anyone says will make it go away. Nothing will make a friend in pain feel better, except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk". Be a friend...
However, I realized after reading the below info, I did not help the situation and I very often do this invalidation with my language and he does it to me. Wow! He needed something from me that I have never received myself, real validation of those bad feelings of his. Even though I have never received this and have heard the below most of my life, I went to him last night intent on validating him from this point on. Telling him I understand why and how he would feel that way and that if he wanted to talk about it I would listen. I left it at that.
I was able to give validation to him only AFTER I actually put myself there (and tried to understand his actual feeling) and understood the concept I realized it then and there. However, I think it was too late for that time but now that I know it, I can try to make sure it does not happen again. That i dont let anyone do that to me anymore and that I also don't do it to someone else. People do this to kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME then wonder why we're like this when we grow up.
http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#The%20Invalidating%20Couple
Invalidation in apologies - http://1stholistic.com/Reading/health/health-im-sorry-blame-game-or-accountability.htm
Here are some excerpts - one by one they don't hurt but taken together and over time..
they are demoralizing and hurtful to someone who is already hurting. They crush and destroy people and relationships. This is also categorized under "verbal abuse".
Examples of invalidating expressions. --> Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you. (but I am listening to you)
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago. You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.
The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.
HERE IS HOW TO VALIDATE SOMEONE
No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.
It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?
Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.
I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over'...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away every pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept.
Accepting loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve...No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.
Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life..and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.
Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever...and that I have ruined my life..forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy..I need it.
My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.
I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in ANY event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve..to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life.
If your friend is hurting..if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT..let them feel it..validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong..'feelings' are not wrong! The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.
What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.
And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.
If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all..it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?
I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.
They see and feel what they see and feel, and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices' don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are.-and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...
Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.
Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers. Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it and if you give them the hurtful advice/words that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.
You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.
To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.
As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.
If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive - they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.
So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you, their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.
And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.
No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.
It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the person, place, memory, thing is gone. Please be respectful of that. Everyone needs time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.
Nothing anyone says will make it go away. Nothing will make a friend in pain feel better, except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk". Be a friend...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Mo' Blessings
7/19/08
I am grateful that I am wise enough to accept God's will for me
I am grateful for the sun that shines on me
I am grateful for prayer and chances to give Jesus and God glory
I am grateful for Chris's honesty with me about his past (should he choose an "us")
I am grateful about seeing progress in my life however slowly it seems to me
I am grateful for church and today's sermon on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in God's kingdom as opposed to temporary American ideals
I am grateful for my hearts health
I am grateful I can still walk, breathe and help others
I am grateful for life lessons on trust, boundaries, commitments and selfless love
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes through consequence
I am grateful for my faith
I am grateful for my family
My prayers have been answered in regards to Chris (though we do not know if we are ever going to be together), my family and meeting new people. I am proceeding with caution and love in all things...
As I watched my videos with him in them and the time frames that they were in (remembering our past) I realize what a asshole to me he was a lot of the time when I was so obviously nice to him and how much I would not like him if I hadn't already loved/fell for him.
However, that is the past. He is working on changes so we will see how that pans out for him and us overall. I will keep no record of those wrongs or bring these things up to him. I do still care for him very much and hope the best for him. I look at a sea of other men and wonder will one day one of these be my new "love"? I have had many...so many. It would be great if he could be my last and it last.
My goals for this year are: (in no order)
get my degree (in what? I don't know yet..)
go to Europe
missionary work - helping others abroad
learn a new language
create another music album
sell another jingle/commercial
spend time with family
determine who I am, what I want, and find my life's path and GO FOR IT, HARDCORE once I do.
I am grateful that I am wise enough to accept God's will for me
I am grateful for the sun that shines on me
I am grateful for prayer and chances to give Jesus and God glory
I am grateful for Chris's honesty with me about his past (should he choose an "us")
I am grateful about seeing progress in my life however slowly it seems to me
I am grateful for church and today's sermon on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in God's kingdom as opposed to temporary American ideals
I am grateful for my hearts health
I am grateful I can still walk, breathe and help others
I am grateful for life lessons on trust, boundaries, commitments and selfless love
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes through consequence
I am grateful for my faith
I am grateful for my family
My prayers have been answered in regards to Chris (though we do not know if we are ever going to be together), my family and meeting new people. I am proceeding with caution and love in all things...
As I watched my videos with him in them and the time frames that they were in (remembering our past) I realize what a asshole to me he was a lot of the time when I was so obviously nice to him and how much I would not like him if I hadn't already loved/fell for him.
However, that is the past. He is working on changes so we will see how that pans out for him and us overall. I will keep no record of those wrongs or bring these things up to him. I do still care for him very much and hope the best for him. I look at a sea of other men and wonder will one day one of these be my new "love"? I have had many...so many. It would be great if he could be my last and it last.
My goals for this year are: (in no order)
get my degree (in what? I don't know yet..)
go to Europe
missionary work - helping others abroad
learn a new language
create another music album
sell another jingle/commercial
spend time with family
determine who I am, what I want, and find my life's path and GO FOR IT, HARDCORE once I do.
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