the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement

I think I am going to go do something I have never thought to do and I am totally afraid of. I used to perform..and then..something happened...I lost faith in myself and i lost my love for music from the music business but this isn't about the music business anymore, this is me..the new me, I don't need music to speak to people. I've changed and much of it has been through God.

Um, yeah. So tonight I am performing live stand up comedy on a open mic stage. For the first time in my life, I am totally nervous and I don't know what to expect at all. I'm not funny, and have no experience or knowledge of this. I have to get over myself though. I have to move past these confidence fears I have, and what better way than to do something I am totally afraid of even thinking about or think I could NEVER do? I don't know what I love and I'm looking for my passion - then maybe it's time to do some things that I've never considered doing, it doesn't have to be comedy - its just a way to really stretch and see what I am capable of!

Resistance is caused by fear. How will I ever change and grow and improve if I don't get over my resistances? This week it is stand up comedy, joining a choir and helping men who are abusive. I am going to transcend, breaking free from self-imposed barriers. These new experiences are welcome, because then we know that we can always adapt and be as vibrant as we determine - I'm an adult now, "adults" many times are set in their ways, and fears not always open to possibilities. I want to be a diff adult. I am reminded about Paul in the Bible encouraging us to throw off things that hinder and run the race with confidence.

No matter what happens, it will be good as it's nonetheless a learning experience for me. God loves me and He is always looking out for me. I mean look at me. Look at me! People always tell me they are inspired by me, I now realize they are inspired by me for a reason. I am amazing because I do what I say I am going to do. If I was ever happy, I would never have achieved any of the things I have or worked for. I have more of a reason now to do music than I ever have.

What a difference in Family

East Coast

Your Family Is 79% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some major problems, and they're still effecting you today. It's time for you to step back, reassess, and decide what kind of role your family should have in your life. The people around you can be toxic, and there's no reason to let your family bring you down. Consider getting some therapy or talking the situation over with a good friend. And spend more time around people who truly care for you!

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

West Coast

Your Family Is 30% Dysfunctional

Your family isn't perfect, but everyone's pretty good at working things out. There's probably been a bit of family drama in your past... and who's to say it's over? As long as your family communicates openly and respects one another everything should be fine. Everyone in your family does love one another. They just may not be so good at showing it.

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

My Favorite Book

Day 3 or is it 4?? Anyway, so today my posting is that I am thinking of a favorite book. I actually have many favorites and books I enjoy. I am an avid reader and like many kinds of book. Fantasy, Research articles, Health, Sci-Fi, Crime, Biographies, and Self Help.

However, the one book that trumps them all for me lately in the last 4 years is The Bible. The book is an amazing guide for my life, my decisions and my choices as well as how to love.

Others may disagree and that is fine, but that is my all -time favorite because of the timeless and endless wisdom it holds inside.



What's yours?

My favorite TV Show

So this one is pretty easy cuz there is not much that comes close to it in my mind.
Law and Order: SVU -- Special Victims Unit.

I freaking love that show. Great acting, great characters, amazing stories and just over all awesomeness!!

What about you?

My favorite movie

So I failed at blogging the VERY NEXT day, however, I am back and here is Day "2"
my favorite movie is American Pop by Ralph Bakshi. I have many but this one has very special meaning to my life and my musical family as I see them.

Not to mention it is a first in early animations and has a killer soundtrack of the ages!



Awesome scene with Frankie..

My Favorite Song

Day One – 30 Day Meme - Also AN EXCERCISE IN CONSISTENCY..LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN SHE DO IT?

Day 1 – your favorite song
Honestly, this changes all the time. But right now one of them is, Shari Moreno's "Fine for Riding" (below) and Taylor Swift - "Trouble"

http://youtu.be/9_q1pmi_984

Needs for '13

My fiance got me a wonderful journal gift for Christmas and these 2 gorgeous jackets. one of which I will wear tonight for New Years Eve. I am getting a late start of the evening. I dont care though.
Needs for '13
In order to stay on the happy side of healthy and sane.
These look a lot like needs for 09, I don't know if I am regressing or what but.. here they are so far:
Finish at least my freaking AA
Career that is meaningful
Be more healthy
Be more positive
Trust in God more
closer Supportive relationships
more creativity in my life
To serve God through my talents I enjoy (whatever they are)
A car
Be consistent and reliable to myself
Be in a safe and loving healthy relationship
Get paid

Some New Insights_2013 Musings

Personality Test 1 Results and Some New Insights

Striving to Be Knowledgeable Your Score: 10
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance. Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Striving to Be Recognized Your Score: 10
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That’s you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others. What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you’re driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time. Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you’re happy.

Striving to Be Creative Your Score: 9
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Striving to Be Secure Your Score: 10
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and committed in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don’t get credit?) You’re careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about. What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you’re sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn’t conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Experiment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn’t normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no— this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you’ll feel. Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you’re responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Striving to Be In Control Your Score: 9
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what’s best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver’s seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects. What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you become more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them. Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you’re suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you’re given the autonomy to do things your own way.

FIND YOUR TRUE CAREER

1. Be a paleontologist. Dig through your life and pull out the artifacts that point to your strengths. Be open to what you find. Throw no evidence away. Start with one clear detail that you know to be true, and then slowly widen your lens. When do you experience concentrations of positive energy? What are the topics that you find yourself pondering most frequently? What are the ideas that keep you awake at night? What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"? Using right now as the starting point, review your life and look for clues. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different? What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in? What were the significant moments that shaped you? What chance meetings stand out for you? What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years? What show did you never miss on TV when you were a kid?

Complete the below.. see if you can find a pattern of when you are in your strength elements

I feel strong when..
I feel strong when I see a clean database free of randomness and non-categories and missing information.
I feel strong when I am in an organized and clean room.
I feel strong when I talk to people on the phone and they do what I want and achieve a result.
I feel strong when my boss compliments a creative idea I have and uses it or sees my disciplined work ethic.
I feel strong when I am working alone and getting things done and crossed off from a To Do List.
I feel strong when I am sitting in front of Photoshop working with an image of something or working on something at my own pace.
I feel strong listening to music and being in a musical creative environment.
I feel strong after finishing a song I wrote and hearing the completed mix.
I feel strong after having a great show that affected people and they come up to and tell me about their experience of it.
I feel strong seeing my own words or thoughts in print or online.
I feel strong after talking to women about abuse and then watching them come to an understanding or awareness of their own situation.
I feel strong when I am researching and gaining knowledge and awareness in subjects I enjoy or things I believe in.
I feel strong when I have ideas involving entertainment and they come to fruition.
radio show for school, blogging my music performances/experiences, creating mini videos, etc
I feel strong when I get hugs of appreciation from other women.
I feel strong when I am designing clothes or have an idea and a sewing machine for an outfit.
I feel strong when I create an image for a picture I am in, style it and then see the final retouching.

. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different?
I wish I did not hurt my back, maybe I would not have been laid off from LBB.. ? I really enjoyed working from home. I really enjoyed being on my own time frame. I enjoyed being in contact with many people per day but not having to see anyone face to face except for conducting interviews. I enjoyed the fact that I was completing the TO DO in the sense of getting the right person for the job. I really enjoyed my high salary and being able to be at home or in the office. I really enjoyed interviewing the candidates and getting to know them. I really enjoyed my HR Director and the people that I worked with included me, like family.

. What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"?
More like “ambitions set aside now that I am older” –when I was younger No was not an option and I just went after what I wanted. An at any cost mentality. Now that I am older, I pretty much have set aside anything creative..acting, singing, dancing, making music – when the truth is I really enjoyed doing all these things when I was younger and completely stopped doing them! I set them aside because I know from experience they don’t have jobs that pay as well as other jobs. I can not really make a living doing them. I dont take them seriously and I dont actively pursue them..but here I am, unhappy AGAIN..

. What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years?
Everyone says I am a creative person. I am very strong. I am known as a musician. I can do many things. I don’t know if this is even still true or how I could find fulfillment in not making any money at these creative things…if it were, I guess I should do something with performance and music and women.

What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in?
The accident of Hurting my back definitely led me to going to college and finding out that I do not want to sell out my music and creativity for cash. I walked away from my record deal. I decided if I was not happy making music and was not happy in life I must be able to do another type of job. Yet, I walked away from music and creativity entirely. Which is a large part of who I have always been. I still have not found another passion to take its place..

. What were the significant moments that shaped you?

The moment I realized I was made to be hurt by others and unworthy of a defense.
The moment I realized I was “ugly”, “stupid”, “worthless” “bad” and a “loser”.
The moment I thought if my own parents can’t love me or would leave me, then so will anyone else.
The moment that I left home to be safe elsewhere.
The moment I first struck a guitar chord.
The moment that I was beaten and raped.
The moment I first got high.
The moment I watched the music awards and said I am gonna do that too.
The moment that I first let my voice come out “as is” and wholly accepted it.
The moment I first played a key on the keyboard.
The moment that I realized no one will ever help me or be there for me. I am on my own.
The moment I first got onstage alone and performed for an audience.
The moment I realized not everyone is the same. Not every man is the same.
The moment I had my heart broken for the umteenth time and gave up on "love".
The moment that I walked away from my years of struggling in music – trying to meet my own fame expectations.
The moment that I made large sums of money from a random song I barely took the time to write and compared it against my most loved and painstakingly written compositions and realized no one cares about those.
The moment I realized I could spend all the money I made and have nice things or really save it for when I may not have money in the future; and I consciously chose the latter. I continued working though I did not need to anymore.
The moment I made a conscious choice to stop doing drugs.
The moment that I left an abusive bf and realized my pattern of dating abusive men.
The moment Karin came to my house.
The moment I found God.
The moment I realized I am NOT alone!
The moment I surrendered my life to Christ.
The moment I realized I am not my own and was bought at a price and needed to be obedient to the Word of God.
The moment I realized that men should treat me and see me, the way Christ sees me and the tender way God loves me.
The moment I defended myself against harm and demanded change and got it.
The moment I decided I deserve better and went after it.
The moment I walked away from my record deal and decided I was not going to do music anymore.
The moment I walked onto the college campus nervous and determined.
The moment I got my first A and saw my GPA at 4.0 and determined to keep it there. The moment I met a boy who I could really be friends, be myself with and loved God as much as me.
The moment that boy and I kissed one random year later.
The moment that boy asked me to marry him.
The moment I demanded higher pay and decided I would no longer accept less than what I am worth. Degree or not.

How to Know the Truth Once you've reached a place of inner stillness, get a pencil and paper and finish these statements:
1. What I really don't want to know is that... 2. I'm avoiding looking at the fact that... 3. The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is... 4. The thing I'm avoiding thinking about is...

If you have no unexamined thoughts, this won't be difficult; you may find only that your sweater is too scratchy or that your father's jokes are boring. But if you've suffered any of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, you may find anger, fear or grief rising into consciousness as you dig up the raw truth. Don't be afraid of the feelings or thoughts that emerge—remain in stillness and they will soon lessen. Remember, you don't have to DO anything right now, you just have to see the truth of your life with an unsparingly honest eye.

What I really don't want to know is that I now believe that my life is over. I believe there are no more opportunities out there for me and I believe somehow that my age will no longer let me move on.

I'm avoiding looking at the fact that I just don't want to try and FAIL at yet another thing. I see my music career as a failure when most don't. I see that I don't want to try because I don't want to even have or give myself the option of one more let down or failure. I refuse to let myself experience that kind of pain again.

The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is that I have really achieved a lot more than I give myself credit for, I have done much more in my life than my peers and experienced (for worse and best) many more things that most in a lifetime don't get to (and wouldn't want to, in some cases!). I have lived a thousand lifetimes more than my own family members and I will also probably be (though I feel I am "the black sheep" who will "never do anything") the first to actually graduate college (at least my AA!) and leave the state/country.

The thing I am avoiding thinking about is.. what the hell am I going to do now and to secure my future? I am avoiding thinking about my own contributions to lost jobs and failed careers. What did I do wrong?! Or did I do something right? It is all too confusing and painful for me to think about so instead of waffling back and forth in misery and self doubt, I focus elsewhere.. in misery and self doubt :P Can you relate to this at all? What are your answers to the above questions? Thanks for reading!

Ever wonder if your man is pulling away?

What on earth to do about it? He is in questioning mode and unsure. I am going to try this. You are probably wondering what to do when he pulls away if talking to him won't work. The best thing you can do is let him. Perhaps you are old enough to remember the song by 38 special called "Hold on Loosely". The lyrics are "hold and loosely and don't let go. If you cling to tightly, your gonna lose control". Nothing could be closer to the truth. Think of the boy running on the playground. He keeps running as long as you chase, but stop chasing, he looks over his shoulder, takes notice and stops running. http://www.squidoo.com/men-pulling-away Yours (or mine) may not stop running but also and this is important you are no longer chasing. What this tells him is that you are capable of being happy or carrying on with or without him and it takes some of the pressure off and makes him feel safer. The ability to give a man his space speaks volumes of your own confidence and confidence is a turn on. It also tells him perhaps he doesn't have the hold on you he thought he had. It offers up a challenge. Men do love a challenge. It's a way of turning the tables. Why should he hold all the power in the relationship? The power should be balanced and this action helps put it into a balance so to speak. It tells him he doesn't have the full dictatorship of the relationship. Another thing of giving him his space without chasing after him accomplishes is this. It shows you have self control. This is very very attractive to men and it's a quality that most look for when looking for a long term relationship. He wants to know you can hold you on and not fall apart. If you whine and plead with him to tell you what's wrong, it's a loss of self control. Not good. He may see you as a drama queen as opposed to the controlled woman he wants by his side for the long haul. Also when you give him his space when he pulls away, after some time, he may begin to crave the connection again. This is when he will move in your direction and be open and willing to talk about why he pulled away. Push him before he is ready and you won't get the truth.

So what do you do when he pulls away? Let him, and go on about your life in the meantime.

Try the following 1 Find something to do! Don't just sit around moping. You're an amazing person and you deserve to have fun. Throw a party, go see a movie, buy a new lip gloss, read my article about how to get over a crush...but seriously, do something to remind yourself how cute and fun you are. 2 Cry if you want to. It's ok. Seriously, he just basically told you to get away from him. You have every right to feel sad and confused, but just don't spend too much time focusing on the bad. Plus...it might not be so bad! Identify your feelings, but don't dwell on them. Is he crying over you? Maybe, but probably not. So don't waste too many of your tears. 3 Smile and be happy when you are around him (and even when you are not). You're never fully dressed without a smile. Even if you feel like you're going to cry, you have to look like you're having the time of your life. He'll expect you to be really upset, and it will make him feel completely shocked if you act like his request for 'space' didn't bother you at all. Your world is not shattered because he wants "space". For all he knows, you were feeling a little smothered in the relationship too. So, you just keep living your life, and if it's supposed to work out, it will. But if not, there's something better in store for you. So get excited for what the future holds!

Ready for a possible breakup but DO NOT let on!

Sign He is Losing Interest Men do lose interest. It's a fact. Men can get bored and when they do, they start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. There are signs that a man is losing interest and if you are seeing these signs, take action now before he decides to mow the lawn of another. 1. His calls and texts are less frequent. If you notice a change in his calling or texting pattern, your boyfriend is losing interests. A man wants to stay in touch with the woman he loves and his patterns will not change. If you feel his calls are out of obligation this is another clue. 2. He starts making plans without you. Maybe a weekend trip with his buddies. If he usually wants to spend most of the weekend with you and now there are other things he wants to fit in, he is working you out of the priority seat slowly but surely this is one of the signs he has lost some interest and is expanding and moving into the differentiating phase of the relationship stages. 3. If when you address any issues or your feelings of him disappearing, he gets defensive or reacts negatively. If a man is thinking of leaving, he will not be comfortable more times than not by offering you reassurance. He will feel guilt which causes one to get defensive. If he defends his change of actions, your boyfriend is losing interest. 4. He says he needs some space. Watch out if you hear this one. The end is near more times than not. If a man says he needs space, he is feeling smothered. Smothered men do not thrive in a relationship ever. The harder you hold on to a man who says he needs space, the further you will push him away. 5. If your boyfriend starts to become distracted with work or some other project, he may be losing interest and this is only an excuse to postpone the inevitable. Men that suddenly become preoccupied with something else often use this as a way to prolong the break up. If your boyfriend is losing interest, the way you respond to this is critical to prevent a break up. If you push him, or put pressure on him, he will see you as needy and less attractive. You can stop a break up or you can insure it happens, it's all up to you and the steps you take or don't take. Don't be one of the many women who wonder why he disappeared.

This is how he is supposed to be acting with you.

He calls for no particular reason other than to share stories about his day and ask about yours. 2 He makes plans to see you again. It is not enough for him to allude vaguely to the future, about something you might maybe do sometime together. If a guy wants you in his life, he will make specific plans to see you again. 3 He pays attention when you talk. His eyes are focused on you. He doesn't look around the room. He doesn't lose interest. You have the feeling as though he is hanging on your every word. 4 He introduces you to his friends. It's plain and simple: if a guy is excited about you, he will be excited to show you off to his friends. 5 He wants to meet your friends. And when he does, it is obvious that he wants to make a good impression. 6 He touches you in ways that have nothing to do with sex. He holds your hand, he kisses your forehead, he plays with your hair, he pulls you close. 7 He changes his Facebook status from "Single" to "In a relationship" without you having to ask about it. 8 He is there when you need something. Your car breaks down; he acts as your chauffeur for the week. A mouse occupies your house; he gets rid of it. You get sick; he brings you soup. 9 He does what he says he will do. Another obvious indicator: when he says he's going to do something, he does it. 10 When you hit bumps on your relationship road, he communicates easily, openly and without arguing. He doesn't get mad or withdrawn when you want to discuss your feelings or concerns about the relationship.

To call it or not to call it?

Abuse? I thought I knew when to flee an abusive man by now. I have dated one too many of them. But the confusing part is this particular person does not match any of the prerequisites I have read or actually have experience with for a "jerk", that I can see.

He is generally honest, does not degrade me or put me down, always asks and cares how I am feeling, we talk things out when we are in disagreements or he is silent (" not to say anything he might regret") and takes time then talks about it, is often humble, hears me out when I am angry and venting, stays silent when I talk, pushes me gently to be/do my best, often praises me in front of others, helps me whenever I need it, takes responsibility for his actions, keeps his word, is caring, respectful and loving with his family and mine, gives me space when I need it, believes in God and yet does not try to or believe strongly in the legalistic "church" meaning of taking the "man of the household" role.

They have now healed but see the bruise images then know why I contemplate my dilemma..I found these and became concerned. It has been some time since I have seen a bruise on my body which caused me to think - is the guy showing the beginnings of (more of the same) abusive guys I have dated? Is someone with the above profile still actively being abusive and just giving nice words? Generally kind words don't accompany abusers-during abuse. Generally the actions never match the words with them. I really do not know, he just does not seem to fit the profile.

I have to say that I ask this because this guy is the only guy who touches me at all. I am not dating anyone else, I am not having sex anymore and he does not ever push me to do anything I dont want to. Doubly, confusing is that there are no bruises in the usual places for females-arms, neck, wrists, upper torso or back. Only that one left upper leg. I have no real recollection of him grabbing me so hard that it would bruise in three places on that leg and he does not touch me in that way, and yet there it is. Plain to see. Only one person could be responsible. Him.

I also have to say that I grew up rough and tumble someone from TX might say (abused is what it is, lol) and I do not normally notice or later remember when I hit myself on things or notice when I hurt myself (e. bumping into things, or hitting myself against an object) so I thought it may be that..but I am keeping an eye out.. and building and refreshing my awareness while I do not speak with him.

Comments please.

a Law of Seduction

I'm baaaaaaaack! Writing once again after yet another breakup. Another one gone due to my demands of better treatment. I just read the Law of Seduction and I know now that he will not return and if he does it will not be "seduced" or wanting to change his bad habits. I am not going to blame myself for his departure as he probably in the end would not have been worth the keep (too rough hands, too many reminders of daddy) but sadly, in the future, once he is gone I will actually begin to use these techniques to keep a future man. Seeing them as the book does, only as victims who can help me get where I want to be. Christianity aside, in my vast experience with people, these are the ways people actually do think they fall in love and I recognize the techniques in even my now ending but beginning of this relationship. My roommate Roy called it.

777 taking it easy and other nonsense

Just checked my profile, that taking it easy guy was so weird. I thought that he wanted to be friends and then I never heard from him again. Must have been after the link to my music and that page.. how unfortunate, we had what I would consider stellar conversation compared to most I've met there. I thought he was pretty ok...and he disappeared. Btter now than if I had met him in person. LOL, you are.. the disappearing act.. or something like that it was ..oh no no its the.. you are.. the Vapor Trail. LOL

Just started class tonight. My History professor, if I can add the class, is going to be an interesting experience I can tell already. He is a character for sure.

The ATF needs to be added, but I am ok on oil so far. There I was, after class, tired, popping my hood and getting under the car in a gas station alley in my little skirt and heels... is this going to be what its like to "maintain" my car? Should I get some rags, a xtra change of clothes, a rubber mallet, hammer, screwdriver, jump cables, wrench, pliers and a flashlight to have n the trunk "just in case"?

I have gotten one step closer to setting up the DOS program for this office, and getting it the hell out of the processes that it is SLOOOOOOWING down. Why the hell are they even using something as old as DOS I will never know. Anyway, I am working with their programming team to set up auto calculate for the various tariffs and zones, yay! Go go project management automator me.

I also almost set myself and my condo on fire last night. That was a def NON-highlight. We need a new microwave and stove. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. I am not to be around electric appliances, I repeat, I am not to be around electric appliances. AT ALL. well, THIS WEEK. :P

5 steps to making dreams a reality - (a repost)

How to Turn Your Dream Into a Plan In Five Simple Steps


I’m sure you have plenty of dreams for your life. They might bubble away at the back of your mind. They might loom in your thoughts all day. They might even keep you awake at night.

Dreams can be powerful, encouraging and even a bit scary. A dream alone, though, isn’t going to get you far. What you need is a plan. And if that sounds too boring, think of it this way: if you want to actually have that dream, a plan is the map that gets you there.

Here are five steps for turning that vague dream into a concrete plan:


Step #1: Write Down Your Dream
How many of your dreams have you actually written down?

Perhaps the idea of committing your dreams to writing is a little frightening. Don’t resist doing it. The act of putting something into words on paper (or in a computer document) suggests that you’re committing to it – and this can be very powerful in helping you eventually achieve that dream.

Even better, when you write something down, you’re forced to think it through. That vague dream of “have lots of money” has to become something firmer – perhaps “make $100,000/year” or “have $200,000 in the bank”.

Step #2: Brainstorm Some Possibilities

Whatever your dream, there’s more than one way to reach it. For instance, if you want to make lots of money, you could:

Change careers to something more lucrative Work harder in your current job to get a promotion Go back to college and study for a degree Start up your own business as an entrepreneur Save up money and put it into a high-interest account Marry someone rich Buy a winning lottery ticket

There are lots of possibilities (and I hope you can see that some of those ones are a bit more realistic than others!) When you’re brainstorming, include all the ideas that come to mind – even ones which seem silly or impractical. You might find that a “stupid” idea leads you on to a really good one.

Step #3: Pick One Clear Goal
Once you’ve figured out some possibilities, come up with one clear goal. You might decide, for instance, that your goal is to change to a particular career which will give you a $80,000/year paycheck.


Look for a goal which is perhaps challenging, but achievable. There’s no point in picking a goal which you’re convinced you can’t really manage – that’s just going to put you back in the world of dreams, where you constantly think about a better future without taking any action towards getting there.

Step #4: Give Yourself a Deadline
It’s much easier to hit your goals when you’re working towards a deadline.

Again, you want to be realistic here – but don’t be afraid to challenge yourself a little. If you’ve got a really big goal, you might want to look two – five years ahead. With smaller goals, you can probably achieve them within a year.

With the example of changing career, you might decide that three years is a realistic timeframe. It’s often helpful to tie your deadline to a particular event – perhaps your 40th birthday or Christmas 2014.

Step #5: Write Down the Steps to Get You There

And now we’re onto the plan itself. This is where you really get into the nitty-gritty and start turning that dream into something real. With big goals, it’s often helpful to work backwards. So:

What are the job requirements of that new career? How can you achieve them (e.g. take night classes)? Are there any pre-requisites for that (e.g. you need some money to pay for the classes)? How can you do that?

You should be able to get to a clear step which lets you move forwards from where you are, such as “save $20/week for six months”.

If you have any steps which you don’t know how to complete, try breaking them down further. Figure out exactly what you need to do to achieve your dream – and you’ve got a plan which really can change your life.

So – what’s your dream? And what’s the first step on your plan? Let me know in the comments.

1. Do the following activities to calm/comfort myself: MEDITATE, TAKE PILLS TO SLEEP, WRITE IN BLOG.

2. Remind myself of my reasons for living: I CANNOT ACTUALLY AFFORD TO KILL MYSELF. IM AN ADULT AND I STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL AND WORK A JOB, PAY BILLS AND LIVE A LIFE I HATE. I STILL HAVE TO DO THINGS I DONT WANT TO DO.
3. Call a friend or family member: NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS
Name: Phone:
4. Call a backup person if person above is not available: NONE
Name: Phone:
5. 5. Call a care provider (psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist): THE THOUGHT DISGUSTS ME
Name: Phone:
6. 6. Call my local crisis line:
Phone:
7. 7. Go somewhere I am safe: I AM NOT SAFE INSIDE MY HEAD
8. 8. Go to the Emergency Room at the nearest hospital. TOO EXPENSIVE!!!FUCK OFF!

If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, start at Step 1. Go through each step until you are safe. Remember: Suicidal thoughts can be very strong. It may seem they will last forever. With support and time, these thoughts will usually pass. When they pass,
you can put energy into sorting out problems that have contributed to you feeling so badly. The hopelessness you may feel now will not last forever. It is important to reach out for help and support. You can get through this difficult time. Since it can be hard
to focus and think clearly when you feel suicidal, please copy this and put in places where you can easily use it, such as your purse, wallet or by the phone.

10. If I feel that I can’t get to the hospital safely, I will call 911 and request transportation to the hospital. They will send someone to transport me safely.
I PROBABLY WONT DO THIS.


Ways To Help Yourself When You're Feeling Suicidal

WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL?  -- WHAT A JOKE!

Tell someone who can help. Tell your therapist, a friend, a family member, or someone else who can help.

Distance yourself from any means of suicide. If you are thinking of taking an overdose, get rid of any pills or give your medications to someone who can dispense them to you one dose at a time. Temporarily remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home. I KNOW IT IS "WRONG" BUT I PRACTICED STABBING MYSELF THIS MORNING, AND IT DID NOT FEEL TOO BAD.

Avoid alcohol or any other drugs not prescribed for you.

Don't try to do things you're likely to fail at or find difficult until you're feeling better. Know what your limits are and don't try to go beyond them until you feel better. Set realistic goals for yourself and work at them slowly, a step at a time.

Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it no matter what. Set priorities for the things that need to be done first. Cross things out on your schedule as you accomplish them. A written schedule gives you a sense of predictability and control. Crossing out tasks as you complete them gives a feeling of accomplishment. And while you're at it, don't forget to schedule enjoyable activities, like some of the following: ..WHEN YOU ARE SUICIDAL NOTHING IS "ENJOYABLE" FUCK TARDS

•listening to music or playing a musical instrument
•meditating
•doing relaxation exercises
•doing needlework
•reading a book or magazine
•taking a warm bath
•sewing
•writing
•shopping
•playing games
•watching a movie or TV
•gardening
•playing with your pet
•enjoying a hobby
•taking a drive or a walk
•Attend to your physical health.
•Eat a well-balanced diet. Don't skip meals.
•Get as much sleep as you need, and exercise regularly.
•Talk to other people.

Whether you talk about your feelings or about any other topic, it's likely to be helpful.

Remember that this is not a permanent condition. THIS IS TRUE. NOTHING IS PERMANENT. FRIENDS, DESIRES, RELATIONSHIPS...LIFE. NOTHING IS PERMANENT.

How to make Female friends?

Making friends as adults can be hard, since you may feel like everyone is too busy or people already have their sets of pals. When I moved to New York after college, I felt the exact same way. I'd walk by groups of female friends at restaurants and really wish I could join them. I felt really lonely.

Just Ask 'Em.
But then I realized: People really want to hang out. Even if they're busy, almost everyone LOVES being invited to dinners, movies, parties, whatever. (Don't you? We all do!) So they'll probably be very happy that you asked. If there is a girl you like, even if you feel nervous, just ask her to hang out. Say that you're going to see Rachel Getting Married on Sunday and ask if she wants to come along. (Picking an actual event and day is much easier than saying "we should hang out sometime" and then having it never happen.) Chances are that she will say yes--or, if she's busy, she'll suggest something later on. (Brunches are always a fun, casual activity to suggest, too. Who doesn't love pancakes?) But seriously, just do it! You'll be so glad later.

A tip for Daynya: If you feel weird about "hitting on" your yoga classmates, instead of asking them for a movie or dinner, ask them if they want to try yoga with you at a different studio, or if they want to join you for a walk in a park to stretch your legs, or if they want to go shopping for yoga gear. That way, it will seem like less of a departure from what you already do together. (Not that it would matter either way, but it might make you feel more comfortable.)

Choose Recurring Activities (Think: Project Runway).
Seeing people for a recurring activity is a great way to establish a real friendship (versus going on "dinner dates," where you just catch up on your lives, you know?) I've found that the BEST way to make new friends is to set up an event where you see them every week. The easiest way? TV! You can invite a few people over for Project Runway every week, or Top Chef, or whatever show you like. I've been watching Project Runway with the same people for the last three seasons and now we're fast friends (we barely knew each other at the beginning). By watching a TV show together, you see each other regularly, will have something entertaining to do together and will get to know each other better and better. Plus, you can chat more during reality shows (versus dramas) and place bets on who will win.

Take a Class (Especially Knitting).
Say you don't really meet any women day to day. Then sign up for a recurring class or a group. It may sound cheesy, but I've done this before and it really works: You can sign up for a series of cooking classes, a runner's group, a volunteering club or a swing dancing course. Knitting classes can be especially great since they're usually mostly women and have a very communal vibe. Classes are everywhere! Lots of them aren't too expensive. Then you will a) have something in common with these women, b) be in a fun group atmosphere, c) see them regularly for as long as the classes continue and d) be around people who are getting out there and probably want to make friends, too.

And, please, give us your thoughts and ideas, too, my dears! How have you made female friends in the past? Do you wish you had more? Let us know what you think! xo

P.S. I would love to be friends with you all.

I will let ya know if the below works!