My online singles ad

So I joined my first online singles ad place thingy and I am looking to meet people and hopefully find someone I can have a good time with that makes me laugh and is honest, drug free and not abusive.

With that... my online AD!

"I am learning more about myself everyday but, as people change, who we are today may not be who we are tomorrow so...with that, lets be straight, I am not going to sleep, fuck, or kiss you if we meet and hang out. I am going to thank you for your time and hopefully we had a good one, and go home to my own bed. I am looking to truly be friends first - completely platonic.

you are male: and you have the attention span to read, comprehend, and understand the below:

I am looking to meet people who are honest, has some morals and a love for themselves, other people and god.

The behaviors I am looking for are someone who does not make fun of people because it is not fun to them. Someone who is the type to give homeless people change once in blue, stays in with their gf if she's sick, who has the ability to listen to others openly without trying to change someone's mind to their way of thinking, is honest about everything (yes, even the bad) and who respects the words "no" and "I don't agree" in various contexts.

The person has a genuine smile to give even if they have had a bad day, is grateful for the things they own and people they have in their lives, are neat because they care about the things they have put effort into, and understands that sometimes we cannot get attention or an emotion from someone exactly when we need/want it, and they are def someone who will not sit on a couch/barstool for 6 hours and watch other people do what they could be doing themselves (if only they were sober).

The person I would like to be friends with is the type who deals with what life throws at them without running away or shutting themselves off and works it out, either physically mentally or emotionally in a true hearted manner, the person I will be friends with does not believe in the "female/male role" and does not subscribe to patriarchy or male privilege.

I want a man that can multi-task. (ie. Take the dog for a walk, stay late at work but also be able to call me, keep your promises or plan a date for us to spend some qt and go to church.) someone who is a aware of themselves and their bodies, into music, dancing, traveling, kinda romantic and is at least open to trying new things they have not done before or are not the best at (new activities, new sexual positions/places).

The person I want to be friends with when faced with a real problem, headache or issue doesn't participate in storming out, blaming others or threatening. Ideally you have the ability to say how you feel without resorting to silent treatment, blame or yelling. Think about your past relationships..Is that really you?

My future male friend does not belong to a lot of dating sites, nor is trying to make their next sexual conquest. Nor has something to prove to their daddy (or friends) and always on a roller coaster life ride of extreme and low self esteem - (ie. too much coffee, soda, lying, work, xtreme sports to the xtreme, drugs, alcohol, depression, etc).

I am looking for someone to hang out with that is confident, who doesn't drink or smoke, is not arrogant or selfish. I want someone who genuinely wants to get to know someone, who isn't going to try to have sex with me after the first night or even 3 months of knowing me and just see what happens. (god, thats alot of commas, I'm over them, are you?)

This is the moment where you can say to yourself, hey, couldn't I just find someone else than this girl who wants all this from me (from a guy) that I am not?

The answer is yes, you can! Please move onto another profile, there are tons of women out there and they are not like me.

They may care about more your car, your money and whether or not you will help them be "secure", than you. They may be unappreciative, they will lie to you, flirt with other men and talk badly about you behind your back and then again maybe they won't.

Any men that have truly read this and know they are like the above please get in touch. I would love to begin a friendship with you.

Good luck to all of you though - love is hard to find and it takes some work to keep strong - friendships are the same but why not start there and save your heart til its ready?

"true love is friendship on fire"

lies

DO NOT EVER SPEAK TO ME, IF YOU ARE GOING TO LIE.

liar - n : a person who has lied or who lies
repeatedly [syn: prevaricator]
      [ant: square shooter]

Source: Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Liar \Li"ar\ (l[imac]"[~e]r), n. [OE. liere. See Lie to falsify.]
A person who knowingly utters falsehood; one who lies.

Satan is the "father of the lie". The Bible states him to be
"the father of the lie"...no one needs to hear him speak, the
scriptures speak volumes regarding honesty...

Gen.3:1-5; Satan told Eve she would not surely die.
Gen.3:19; Death is opposite of life.
John 8:44; Satan's lie has caused the death of every one of
the offspring of Adam.

John 8:44;You are from your father the Devil, and you wish to do the desires of your father. He one was a manslayer when he began, and he did not stand fast in the truth, because the truth is not in him. When he speaks the lie, he speaks according to his own disposition, because he is a liar and the father of [the lie].

Proverbs 6:16-19; 16) There are things that God does hate; yes, seven are things detestable to his soul: lofty eyes, a false tongue, hands that are shedding innocent blood, a heart fabricating hurtful schemes, feet that are in a hurry to run to badness, a false witness that launches forth lies, and anyone sending forth contentions among brothers.

Proverbs 14:5; A faithful witness is one that will not lie, but a false witness launches forth mere lies.

Revelation 21:27; But anything not sacred and anyone that carries on a disgusting thing and a lie will in no way enter into it (the kingdom of God); only those written in the Lamb's scroll of life [will].

Colossians 2:8; Look out: perhaps there may be someone who will carry you off
as his prey through the philosophy and empty deception according to the elementary
things of the world and not according to Christ;

-Parents subject to compulsive lying become suspicious and distrustful of their
children,and the children conversely become more unruly and more dishonest. 
Once the cycle of lying and distrust is in full swing, it is difficult to find
a single way in which the cycle may be stopped.-

Why Are You Lying?

Recognizing that there are "special needs", however, only allows the parent to seek more help. There are still some fundamental reasons why children lie compulsively.

1. Fear. Fear is a common motivator for lying. Consider the child who lies because she fears that her mother would "blow up" at her, or that dad would take privileges away, or that the teacher would send her (or her friend) to the principal's office. Such fear may be rational or irrational, but the effect of lying is similar - a temporary shelter from punishment.

What do we do about fear motivated lies? Consider two important implications. First, children who lie out of fear usually know that they have done something that is wrong. This provides an important clue for parents responding to the lying child. Consider that the child's problem is not in knowing what is wrong, but in resisting its temptation. Claiming "I've told you more than a hundred times..." does not help children deal with the heart of the error or disobedience. It merely alienates them. Parents have to get beyond the lie, and address the behavior that "necessitated" the lie in the first place.

Second, parents may need to accept that their children lie because they are afraid of their parents' temperament. It is not surprising that constantly angry, shouting, rigid or restrictive parents often encounter compulsively lying children. Allowing room for negotiation, compromise, listening before accusing, and keeping your volume down usually helps in paving the way for a more honest child communication.

2. Habit. Lying can also become a habit formed through constant practice. It is possible that a child can "lie by reflex", and when confronted insist that it is the truth. Habitual lying is often strengthened by hostile confrontation. One of the most effective ways of dealing with habitual lying is to give the child an opportunity to retract the lie without fear of consequences.

3. Modelling. Lying is a commonplace behaviour, and children are subject to lies all the time. The problem is that children learn to lie through experiencing or watching others lie. The dilemma is that it is impossible to shield children from lies. One parent who limited her child's friends to those who did not lie reduced the number of approved companions to just one, and that under close supervision!

One potent source of modelling, however, is from within the home. There is an old proverb that says, "What parents do in moderation, children do in excess." "Moderate" lying is thought of by many parents as harmless (such as a "white" lie, or a "harmless excuse") or mistakes (such as an unkept promise), or even purposeful and calculated distortions of the truth ("I had to lie because..."). Children, however, do not and cannot appreciate the nuances of a lie. Lying is lying. Since it is difficult for parents to control the lies that children will encounter outside the home, it is more useful to start eliminating lies from within the home. Make telling the truth a priority both in instruction and by example.

4. Overprediction. Children also lie because they overpredict a reaction. One child said, "I know mom would say 'no', so I lied." In reality, mom would merely have asked more questions and given her permission! One of the most productive ways of addressing overprediction is to provide a child with clear boundaries, and yet emphasize that these boundaries are negotiable. Making up the rules as you go along, and far too many "don'ts" and restrictions can promote lying behaviour.

Compulsive lying is a common disorder often caused by low self-esteem and a need for
attention. Often, the liar does not realize how often he or she is lying because it becomes
second nature or habit (indeed, it is often referred to as habitual lying).  

Compulsive lying alienates friends and loved ones and often brings
about the opposite of what the liar wants: instead of getting the attention
they often crave, they end up pushing people away and losing trust.
With therapy, many people can overcome their compulsion to lie and salvage
their trust in interpersonal relationships before it is too late.

A COMPULSIVE LIAR -
http://compulsiveliarsclub.blogspot.com/2006/11/definition.html
"This is my first step toward healing myself and those I have harmed with my
lies. I am admitting that I have a serious problem; I am a compulsive
liar.

This blog will chronicle my journey toward understanding
my compulsion, healing, and restoring my life. My hope is that this
will help others who suffer from the life-destroying effects of lies."

its about respect

I have realized the below frustration and the entire relationship frustration is about respect. Chris does not respect me anymore. I also have no respect for his word or promises. I am once again working on just leaving him alone and staying in that head space.

same shoes, diff day

12/21/07

Been having a lot of really bad dreams about Chris. I think that is normal for when you just don’t speak to someone and your just not loved anymore.

He came over one night and I said ok lets have a trial period. Well, I dk what or how it happened, the next night he got sick asked me not to come over and I was just like, um, fuck all this.

Since then we kinda just haven’t spoken. I have kept busy as he so wanted me to do for the last 3 weeks. I have not called or emailed him, or bothered to see if he is alive. He has called a couple times asking why am I not answering the phone? What is going on? Um, isn’t this the same shit you just put me through for a week and half (he has had only one day of it) that you don’t recognize when the shoe is on the other foot? It’s kinda funny but mostly kinda sad that he doesn’t notice. He is in the exact same shoes I was in.

I didn’t and haven’t even done it on purpose, I guess its Gods way of teaching a lesson who knows. Anyway, he was too busy to have a relationship with me. I don’t think he has the time or the energy, or the money, for me anymore and I don’t really want to wait for him to start being nice again, to stop doing fucking drugs, to try to do nice things for me and us, answer his phone, return my calls/emails and want to spend time with me or making it like it was. I dont think he wants to right now. I think he wants it to be over but he cant do it himself. He did say it is ebb and flow. Guess this is ebb time for the next months…

I’m sorry u didn’t want to give me your time and attention anymore, Chris. I understand you wanted to leave me alone and no hard feelings. J

On another note, ah, it’s almost Christmas. I feel alone here and sad. I am working on fixing up this place so it looks festive though not FOR anyone, because we are all leaving for the holiday back home. I am going to get my shit straight with work and try to get a damn car. I don’t want this rental car anymore and I don’t know what my options are! I need something for another 3 months! Gah! I will figure it out. I’m pretty amazing. It takes me time for some and no time for others but when I move on something, I fucking MOVE!

love, me

12/18/07

So good to have today to really think about things. I did not call Chris today. Its hard being in love with someone who doesn’t love you anymore AND they can’t seem to admit it but just acts like an asshole to let you know the deal. They don’t answer your calls, they no longer communicate with you what is up with them, they make no efforts to return your calls or call you back when they hang up on you. They don’t want to see you. They are constantly “busy”. My ex Gordon did this, I don’t think Gee ever said “space” but he did say “get the fuck off my ass” “I want to miss you, God”. This was shortly before he broke up with me and we never talked again. What a game player.. no more of those for me.

So there you have it. I know exactly what this is, because I have already seen it and felt it before. Things changed for us for whatever reason Chris just became a fucking..he just became someone else, or became who he really is and it is over. He thinks everything is “fine” and makes no effort whatsoever to fix things. He is just over working at it, if you ask me. I don’t even know him anymore.

Well, so am I. I am not going to try to be in a relationship with someone so selfish. I tried to keep as busy as possible today. I will continue into January giving me no time to shop, think about Chris, or consume. I will work on my job and worry about making new friends and hobbies in the New Year.

I wanted so much for things to work out with him, but he is a stranger to me now. They way he acts, things he says, ugh, I don’t even know him anymore. To think my therapist said Chris had potential. Hmmph. His potential has gone into his sex websites and weed pipe, not into us. Mmn hpmm. It is time to meet new people in CA. Time to get a new therapist.

I am beginning to think of decorations for my new room and work out this car situation. I am not seeing my therapist until about Jan 7^th! Whatever will I do? I’m afraid but also I am letting things happen as they will. I hope Craig from the party calls me. I don’t want to be alone before Xmas..aww how sad. He has a lot in common with me. His mom gave him my # at the party. She thinks we have a lot to talk about and do. Maybe we do. He also likes to volunteer and is concerned about the FED and Illuminati and various strangeness that other unaware people would think we are strange for. :P

I think I could do a lot of things with him that I couldn’t do otherwise here in CA. He also is a black belt sensei, has a Business MBA, and has a lot of respect for his body. His mother told me that when women would flirt with him while he was modeling on assignment, he would actually call them up and say and I quote her here, ”thanks for the flattery but I have a girlfriend I love very much – please do not ever speak to me again” “I am THROWING AWAY your #”. She said he was meant to be a priest and that he has always had an ideal of honesty and integrity. I mean Wow.

Chris's mom said he wanted to be a preist, but apparently he couldnt stop lying. Yeah it shows.. "oh I didnt get your call, oh I didnt hang up, oh I am not smoking, oh, I am working late" "yeah, I will be there", "I want to do this for you".. but I digress.

Anyway, I remember before I met Craig hearing that from her, I was like omg this guy is perfect for me, LOL. I was floored by him. She was like well you have your guy, and I was like thinking to myself “yeah my guy, uh, my guy thinks I am a lunatic and does not agree with anything about the future, politics or actively doing something to change the state of the world as I think”. Here is this guy who reads all the books I have read, is completely aware like I am and actually knows what I am talking about. He even read the Celestine Prophecy. Not bad for a beginner.

12 months

12/15/07

It is year end. Christmas time and holiday time to spend with friends and family (whether we want to or not! :P) . I am thinking of all my friends and family and colleagues and the year passing and decided to write this.

Looking back on 2007, what a crazy year it has been for me. Full of sadness and joys and love and hate. A lot of anger and disappointment but I am not here to focus on anger and disappointment. I am here to try to focus on what I learned and accomplishments mostly. Let’s see what happened this year?

Ending Nov. 2006 I had my back accident. I met Chris as a real person, not Brandon's friend. I had just gotten over my breakup with Brandon (which at the time I thought was a minus and now see as such a plus!)

November and whisking into December I was having problems moving, walking and sleeping. Rob Terhune and his wife Ammeria helped me through my trying back times. I was seeing a chiropractor named Dr. Alejandro one of Norma’s college dorm mates. Flew to CA in a wheelchair and was generously picked up at the airport by Chris and moved into his room. He tried to repeat what Rob/Ammeria had done for me in NY, but smoked weed, abused me and lied to me as many time as possible instead.

November/Dec – I learned what true friendship and relationships should be like. I learned that there are still good people out in the world and that I am very lucky to have known them.

January 1^st I spent with Chris and Rick in a bar in Venice, CA with a back brace on, watching every one else dance on the dance floor and wriggling moves in my chair which I paid for in pain on Jan 2^nd. L January was also a time of getting together with Chris more seriously yet with fear and past histories to stop me simultaneously. - I learned that someday someone will do nice things for me all the time and it will be the greatest feeling ever. (Chris had picked a rose for me while I was in the car waiting for him.) I began yoga. I learned my previous way of life affected my health and stamina and that I need to learn to relax and take it easy in between.

February was spent abused thinking Chris was going to leave me for some girl at work. Chris in February 27-March 2, emotionally cheated on me and it was going on for some time prior. He had a coworker over on the March 1st^{th for} dinner and lied to me. Way to start the month. I literally beat the shit out of him, he is 6’4, 295 lbs and I beat him up, without any thought of retribution or care, which I have never done since Herm, in 15 years as a woman I lost want and all control of myself on that day. I started to realize my goal of being a pop star was never going to fulfill my gaping emotional needs, that I didn’t really want it anymore, and I gave it up and turned down my pending record deal. I was still searching for my truth in life.

March was spent getting over the true fact that Chris emotionally cheated on me with his coworker by flirting with her online, and really looking at us, our relationship and my part in it and my distrust for men in general cuz of my Dad & male family members. I was feeling suicidal but I really started taking a little peek into my choices in men. The trust went way down for me with Chris. I checked every website, every message, every IM, every phone call, I just could not trust him afterward. For my birthday he gave me a wonderful gift. The most wonderful I have ever received. He home cooked me a lobster dinner with dessert and created by hand a card of love for me.

April, what was going on in April? I was contemplating moving out of Brandon’s (not back to Chris’s) where? I had no idea. I was still working and trying to make sense of my life again after our break up in March.

May, I began looking into other back treatments that cost more but would really alleviate my severe pain and help me to walk again. I began looking at my health, and my issues and working on myself. I learned that I had only participated in Abusive relationships – I had never been attracted to any other men. I started remembering my past. I looked into domestic abuse and ended my lease with abusive Brandon and was free to move out. I had no where to go. I moved in next door to Chris and opted for my own room this time. Living by the beach, the air was good for me, ah the walking was good, walking from house to the beach was better. Chris and our issues were not. He was still abusive. We were broken up and yet still enmeshed. Chris began attending therapy.

June, I learned what “enmeshed” meant. I went to my first meeting of CoDA and ACA and I began to see a therapist as well. I began learning about my own beliefs about myself which led to my relationships with people. I began to keep an eye on my health. I started looking back into my past to find out why my present was what it was.

July I started really looking at my parents, their behaviors and their relationships and getting angry. Chris and I became more abusive toward one another. I started writing mean letters of my true feelings to my parents and speaking with my therapist about anger management and my past. I started to realize I don’t “need” someone. I started to realize Chris’s addiction was reminding me of my Dad and that was the comfort attraction to him initially and it was unhealthy. I started to realize my mom saw herself as a victim of everything, which led me to want to be a rescuer type for my own men. My grandmother died. I lost my job at the end of the month and was going no where for a time with therapy. This was very hard for me. I learned to look at my strengths and use whatever resources I have to try to succeed. I began to use my past music career as a stepping stone to finding something that really was right for me. I learned my family is dysfunctional but there is a way I can relate to them that is kind to them but safe for me. I realized no matter what, Chris was a true friend at that time.

August, my work finished, I spent last checks and I began to get more and more away from Chris and be ok with it. I began talking to my inner child. I began to look for other things I enjoyed. I didn’t think Chris would ever change and not be abusive so I continued away from him, broken up with, and not talking to him. I started to see why I deserved to be with someone who wouldn’t abuse me or hurt me in any way – even though my past dictated otherwise.

September, I missed my moms birthday. I began going to CoDA meetings and having daily rows with Chris. Another coworker issue came up for me to be tested. I spent most of the month with sickness and my health and my future were front and center in my mind. I began to recognize the kind of relationship I wanted. It is healthy one and look at the qualities I wanted in friends. I learned I don’t have to be someone’s friend or gf just because they want me. I learned I have a choice in who I allow into my life and my heart and I need to exercise that choice with what is good for me, consciously.

October, Chris began an abuse therapy program to help himself. We both began to work on ourselves, with really hard times and a lot of mistrust in between. I felt terrible most of the time – was suicidal and sad a lot and had no direction, having lost my job. I felt worthless but I was still attending CoDA and it got me through. I started talking to God and building a different type of relationship with him away from my Mom’s ideals. I began looking for places to live with Jacuzzi and pool and a gym so I could rebuild my strength. I began working out on my body. I learned that I will have to keep getting back up and trying again no matter how many obstacles I think I have overcome in the past. There will always be obstacles. I learned my perception is faulty at times and negatively biased because of my childhood experiences.

November, I missed my dads birthday. I was feverishly looking for work, getting back with Chris I felt jealous and insecure much of the time, AND we had 3 new female roommates move into the building. This was a tough time for me. I began to abuse Chris once more. I found a job and Julie moved off to France. My one friend in CA left me to be with her new man. I began to look to move out - away from Chris. I found a place nearby my new work that had a Jacuzzi and pool. Perfect. It was with 2 guys. 5 months earlier I would not have felt comfortable and would have been scared to death of living with 2 guys but having learned all I had, I moved in. Chris took me to meet his family in Key West for Thanksgiving, though he was abusive and also abused by his family on the trip, we had a mostly wonderful time. I missed my own family very much. I learned to forgive when necessary and I learned to try to be more flexible in my expectations and demands and to try to think rationally even when I don’t really want to.

December, I began my new job and I started to deal with people again. In a closed office which is weird for me after working from home for a year. I began thinking of family and instead of staying away, wanting to be with them and around them and be myself with them. I learned that my family is my family, and I have the choice to be around them, I learned I want to make the most of my life and learn as much as I can about myself and others to continue to better myself. I realized that when I was a little girl wanting to be a musician that one of the reasons for doing it was to be able to travel to other countries, learn languages and use those languages to somehow change the world a little for the better (with my music – ie. a message). After 20 years I have just found another way I might still be able to do so without the music business fucking it up for me. I am going global.

New Blog - old blog > http://slmnymph.diaryland.com/

11/14/07
I deleted the old blogspot one because sign in was DIFFICULT. Here is my last 4 years one http://slmnymph.diaryland.com
Below are some previous blog entries from the old blogspot blog.

10/5/07

Chris and I broke up. He broke up with me because:

• I threatened him
• was verbally abusive
• did not want him to cook for his 3 female roommates (reminded me of his cheating)
• I lost my job from layoff
• I couldn't find new work in his time
• I couldn't be happier about my situation in his time
• I couldn't be healthier in his time
• he did not think I saw his support or good qualities
• did not want him looking at other women in front of me
• did not want him to smoke weed (if he did this once a month it would be ok)
• did not want to share food with him anymore
• didn't have sex with him often enough for his drive
• wanted him to be there for me when I really need him
• did not want him to go on away trips w/ others without me
• he wanted to stay in CA for a long time

I am going back to NY, one way. Things I have to finish here are:

• Gym (21 days personal training but I can stop this)
• Vinton Lease (closed for good and with written notification - I am giving them 2 days)
• Car Ticket (I cannot take traffic school as I was 28 mi over not 25, so I am resorting to begging)
• Insurance settlement for accident (fuck these motherfuckers I am using another lawyer)

keywords:reasons for breakup

10/15/07
How the hell does blogger work anyway? I am having trouble signing in lately. Eating animals and gaining weight or rather trying to. Just going to the belly! Gah! What do I do?

So as usual I am going to paste my issues and what I am doing about them TODAY.
10/15/07 What I did about it today…
I am unhappy about my state of health.
I can begin an exercise program to help with the muscle strength.
I can begin eating better and more than I have.
I can make better choices in the future when it comes to my health and food I put in my body.
I am going to work out today, eat well and make better choices for this weeks food supply. I will also be stretching and listening to music I like.

I am unhappy about Chris and this new 3 female roommate situation. (CHEATING THEME)
I can learn to enjoy the roommates and have fun with them.
I can try to trust Chris when he says he isn’t attracted to them, and not look into his niceness to them as a threat.
I can continue to be nice to Chris as he is my friend above all and has consistently chosen to spend time with me.
Chris has stated he is going to talk to the roomies. He is making an effort to show me he can be trusted and giving me the time I need, and I need to make the effort to trust and give him his space.

I am unhappy that Chris has cheated on me and seems primed mentally to do so again!
(CHEATING THEME)I am not going to get over this if I keep bringing it up and having this fear.
I need to know that Chris and I are no longer together.
I know I am worth more than that and will not accept that kind of behavior from him.
I need to realize there is nothing I can do about this if it is going to happen. I need to worry about my self care and make the right decision for myself regardless.
Chris said he wants to be with me and work things out.

I am unhappy that I feel worthless and second best to everyone right now.
I need to remember my good qualities and the things that make me, me.
I need to focus on the positive things I have at this moment.
I need to continue building myself regardless of what rundowns come my way.
I need to do things that make me feel good, for me. SELF CARE

I don’t have a job, or a place to live or money.
I need to realize this is not the be-all/end-all of my life.
I need to realize I can still enjoy and be happy though things are and sometimes will be rough.
I need to be proactive about getting these things back and not be depressed about them.
Firstly, will be grateful for the things I do have today. Secondly, I do now have a place to live and the one thing I have a lot of use for is the money. I am going to not give up the job search, I am going to believe in myself and try harder to reach out to friends for referrals.

I am unhappy that I have made mistakes in my relationships and friends.
I can be unhappy about this but not for long, because from all those situations I have learned valuable lessons, about myself and my choices and my mistakes.
I know that I am worth more and will not accept bad treatment.
I am allowed to make mistakes and I am learning. (Remember Connie, and letting Andrew go, I have also made good choices)

I am unhappy that Chris does not want to split the settlement for his car with me that he got due to my accident. (HURTFUL THEME)
I need to realize Chris may be selfish or is only thinking of his own needs at this time. He does not always act this way.
I need to think about the fact that he IS giving me something (however small) from his settlement and that that is his way of showing his care.
Chris is going to do what he is going to do regardless of how I feel about it. Chris is completely aware that he is being greedy.

I am unhappy that Chris is not going to be my long term mate. (ABANDONMENT THEME)
I need to remember that nothing and no one is promised to me.
Chris not wanting to be with me anymore, is not a bad reflection on me, it is a reflection on his wants, if he doesn’t want me then it does NOT mean I am unlovable or unwanted by anyone.
When someone does not love you or want to be with you anymore it does not mean no one ever will again.
Chris has stated he does want to be my long term mate.

11/12/07
Polishin off the ol bloggerooni, actually its just my other blog (http://slmnymph.diaryland.com/)takes too long to upload right now so... with that. The break up. What? Again? Yes. When things don't work out for me I break up, thats what I do. In this case "things" was a cheating boyfriend. So I think nationwide one would say I am pretty justified. =)

At least I can say I am walking away from this relationship with my dignity intact? I will be a whole human someday!

But first my grateful list:

• God being in my life and caring for me in HIS way
• The opportunity to learn about trust
• The fact that I have a place to stay
• The fact that I am still able to walk and feel joy
• The fact that I have gotten to live at the beach -had good times of laughter & joy & even some support from an ex
• The opportunity to get a nice job
• My family and friends
• Having honest roommates
• Food to eat and water to drink
• Having a computer
• Having a rental (car)
• Watching the process of legal hearings
• Having time to try to reach my goals and dreams
• Getting a job where I can prove myself and be busy.