Im grossed out by my own stuff

so frustrated about the music that i am trying to make. poor bf has no idea what this process or is or how it is supposed to sound and thinks that this SHIT sounds good.

it is so frustrating to me that I am even in this position in my life where i have to beg someone to record me. who knew who knew?!

Praise God at least for the opportunity that i still have a place to record but if it going to sound this bad, i dont have to effing listen to it.

Sprint Text Message Scam (615)528-4440..

Sprint Scam do not call (615)528-4440..

This is a scam. When the text came in instead of calling the # I called Sprint.. then I had Sprint call the number on conference..Sprint confirmed and said they do not send such text messages to clients-that this is scam. Do not call.. this is a scam!! Love you!


Read more: http://www.myspace.com/Sharivenus/blog?bID=539534119#ixzz10xHkQHef

Phony niggaz are outlined in chalk

The fire has been kindled/rekindled. I am ready to blaze. I am ready to go and already know my way through the maze. I am gonna make it happen! I want to write again! Yay! :D

This time, I want to do it on my own with minimal writing help. A great mixer though for sure. :D

Its gonna be glorious!

Tonight W/ Evolve

Lord Lord I would like to humbly pray that you fill me with your love and happiness. I am feeling sad and lacking though I know this is a machination of the evil one to bring me down. I ask that you give me a heart of forgiveness and love me as only you can do and have time and again. Lord deliver me from this sadness and please gently restore me to my equilibrium. I am going to dance tonight and hopefully as always give you the glory in every movement every thought and every action. I will be wordless. I will be silent and in reverence to you instead of spewing words of anger, dissatisfaction of or contempt.

I know you have my best dreams and future in your hands and I gracefully give up my attempt at control to you. You are so good God! I only want to be in your arms. I only want to bring you joy. If there is some lesson to be learned I ask it speedily. I only want to please you. Have I made you smile today? I would like to ask that you please please bring those to me in my life who love you and put you first. Please allow me to meet someone wonderful with whom I can speak of you and your greatness endlessly and work as a soldier for your will. Hand in hand arm in arm in pure love.

Lord remove this jealousy from my heart right now as it is not useful, not kind and a waste of time and my precious moments. Give me a song to sing a lifting of my heart and caress me gently as only you can and do. I am raw, Lord. I am open. I am vulnerable. I need you. I need only you. Come to me Lord I await you.

In your holy name I pray and give thanks…

I give thanks for having my ability to walk today and upright with no pain and new strength. I give thanks for legs to dance with and a voice to sing. I give thanks for such great intelligence that all things are possible and those that are not can be learned. I give thanks for my wonderful home and family. I give thanks for you being in my life and guiding my every step though at times I am completely foolish and unaware. I give thanks for having music in my life which may bring me a joy I have been missing and a song in my heart to sing and write FOR YOUR GLORY.

I give thanks for being able to complete everything I start and having the money to come and go as I please. As I help others Lord , keep me humble and with your path as the only one in my sights. I will choose against the new and shiny things at every which turn…

Today Update

Boy crushes finally forgotten > Mike C, Chris and Justin. All Leo's. I am done with them. :D

Working on playing guitar, making beats and still re-learning German. I am feeling really good about my test score for Exam 2(MidTerm) I got a A. :D

Rock on! I am in focus, on point, and back on track baby. Tonight I will be spending my time in prayer, practicing guitar and finishing up my Ch 8 for Accounting reading and Ch 6 for Algebra.

Good night. Great night actually. Write soon. I still need to update my prayers I been writing for the last 2 months on here. Its so amazing to see the many answers I get from God. Amen!! He is sooo good!

Friens, we dont need no stinkin friens :P

So I am feeling a little introspective today. I think people in CA are fucking flakes and they are all making me sick to my stomach today. :) I miss my sister.

In other news, wow, what a great day to study up on my Acctng and play guitar for practice tomorrows class. I think I might watch Howl's Moving Castle again later on or get something else I want to see or share some music with Seann and maybe even write some.

I am going to get the set for the YYY's and Metric as well as Paramore. I want to be inspired when I do zee muzeek again. I will secretly spit in the face of those who did not care I was alive.. spit with my happiness and love!! :)

Quotes from Today to live by

Never hold on to those who no longer want and deserve to be held on to.
AND
When life or love kicks your ass, just remember... you're still breathing.
AND
"there are two things in life that you can never get back: 1. your life. and 2. my trust"

Things I keep doing wrong on a date

I have to stop these things, they ruin what could be cool "getting to know someone" times. I am being "too available". If they call a second time, I will turn them down and say I am "busy".

1) having such a good time I end up sleeping over their house, why do I do this? Though there is no sex, I don't think this is wise to keep on doing just cuz i dont like to sleep alone. :(
2) spending too much time with the person upon first meetings.
3) not being able to wait patiently or shift focus from them for contact initiation from them afterward.
4) having too many expectations on me and them..

Cold Nights

It is so cold tonight! On cold nights like this I just want to cuddle. There is no one around to do so with. Justin is already gone. M never materialized again to even become a friend and everyone else I am just not attracted to like that. In other news, even my long distance relationship (Johannes) has left me.

I hate attraction.

so much!

is going on..will write soon!

Job, No Job, Job, No Job 2

So yes, my previous job is gone. I had come in late the day after I spent with M. The mgmt was very hard on me since that time. I too had growing feelings of dissatisfaction. Then I had made things somewhat worse as my depression deepened into complete disgust for my job. No more smiley me, talking to everyone, helping everyone out, and they took notice, fast. They said start smiling at us again or else! I guess for better or worse, I chose else.. I am VERY, I repeat VERY, blessed to have the poppa large cushion I have created for myself and I never forget it.

The change was noticeable after I left. Apparently, anyone who has seen me since is like, "wow you seem so much happier!" LOL. My teachers are actually glad I no longer am working there as are the people I know who still work there.

This could be because my sister is coming, it could be because I want to try to get in touch with my creative side once more and possibly make more money so I don't have to work..again and pay for another 2 years of college (I can will a studio and engineer into existence pronto?!) it could be because I now have time to do what I love which is study to get to..well, I don't know where I am going, but I do want to study to get there. This relief is probably due to a # of things, I also got my gym membership, and a trainer, (so no more p90 plataeu).

I am keeping myself busy doing things I am into while lookin for a new "gig". By now I'm sure you know what they are -- God (lol, "into" God), video games, music, art, learning/seeing/trying new things, movies, computers, women's causes, traveling, fixing things, and studying. I was also really into the feeling of falling in love and meeting people, but those can wait.

So now lets review what I WANT IN LIFE

:) In all areas of our lives we want things. It is time to focus on what I do want than what I don't. :) More on this to come.

my class A fuckup

Professor,
I am probably in need of a counselor and would have gone to see one if it did not take 2 weeks to get an appointment with one. I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what is wrong with me. After I walked out of your class last week (something i never thought I would do) I sat in my car crying for over an hour and later hyperventilating and contemplating suicide in the parking lot. Luckily S saw me and talked to me a bit before leaving me.

I am dropping my classes and possibly out of college and because I just don't know what else to do and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I have placed on my plate. Also, I don't even know that this is the plate I want to eat. I am the only one at dinner and I am tired of eating alone. Also clearly, this symptom of low self esteem has shown itself in so many areas of my life these last two years..and I just cannot deal yet, I do not know how to change it. In constantly trying to do my best, I continually do my worst and give only selfish commands ironically thinking that I am only my worst.

You have assisted me in many ways already and I want you to know this. Even just me witnessing your normal personal life and marriage has had some effect on me. Last week I even experienced a moment watching you where I myself wanted to be a Professor!

However, I have become an idiot run by my emotions and lacking self control. I am not thinking and yet I am through thinking at the same time. I have become self serving self destructive and careless. Even in trying the homework which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow, I have gotten them wrong and feel more terrible for not getting the concepts STILL! I have wanted to ask for help yet did not, and do not. I am so confused at this time even with my own actions, Professor.

I wanted to be your friend and your great student and yet I have behaved in a manner exact opposite to that..for that inconsistency I sincerely apologize. I am sorry I walked out on your class. I hope that you can some day forgive me for that.

Sincerely,
me

Am I going to begin writing music again?

Possibly. Got Young Poisoners Handbook, Penelope, and Welcome to the Dollhouse. I am a happy bunny. Got some fresh air and tomorrow I am going to prepare for my family to come next week. I cannot wait to see my sister!! I think I will roller blade around the EDD office tomorrow and shit on everyone with my happiness being out of job.

Watched the Secret tonight with Ryan and the boys. Test tomorrow night. Then studying for Accounting to raise grade to A, before I have to drop. Four people want me to sing on their tracks..interesting turn of events from just one mind idea change the other day...

Guitar lesson begins this Sunday. Guess who is going to learn to play and sing "Give me Jesus"? :)

A 2 and a 5

Rolled a 2 and a 5 as to what I am to do in my spare time away from people this week. I am to volunteer for the homeless and learn 2 new languages. Then a 4 and 2, as to 2 new things to try -- I am to sign up for a class to watercolor and kiss someone with no thoughts of a future with them! :o

I chose French and German to begin with. I have 3 weeks with which to do this ongoing. Rolled a 1 and emailed M and ask him to see me when the time is up. He may say no or yes, since I have let go of all that pressure stuff, I may be slightly disappointed with a no, but either way it's fine. It's nice to be at this place with him.