I have asked him to stop calling me and contacting me at all for 60 days to have time apart. To work on himself and/or/and move on with our lives. He has called 5 times yesterday and left what I think may have been messages (I don't know what he said because I deleted them) and that is not the behavior of someone listening or respecting.
He stated when we spoke he is "working very very very hard". He is under the incorrect impression that I "need to work on this too". Are you delusional? Work on what? You abused me, I deserve better treatment and I broke up with you. You said you are going to change, then do that-FOR YOURSELF. I am not the one who wants to be with you as the person you are. If you truly "love" me then you know what I wanted, and will do what you need to do and if you don't, well, you never did and won't.
I forgave you for what you did. You forgave me for what I did. I do not care if you change or don't change-that is up to you and if you do, it WILL be noticeable OVER TIME. If you move on and start fucking other people, or don't-I am working on myself only and only worrying about my own changes. My own life. I am only giving notice to MY life. Not yours. I am not dependent on you for love, money, for support, for trust, for approval, for acceptance, nothing. I have someone I can depend on who has shown I can depend on them, FOREVER. God.
Chris has said he wanted to give me money for my back, and yet there has been no contact to Karin. The actions don't match the words with him and never did. Karin mentioned that maybe the person I thought he was when I thought he had "changed" was not really him changing at all but a clever act. I'm beginning to think there may be something to that. She thinks its great how far I have come in my knowledge and strength of myself, and my body will eventually follow from the wreck I was that she met just months ago. Time and faith. Keep praying. Keep working on me. The Lord is helping me ever since I told Chris to forget about giving me any money ever and scrap that agreement.
The other part of me, that is growing quickly every day is wondering really, what is there to be jealous about? Is this Dawn (or any other girl) really getting a prize of a man? She is choosing someone with past qualities of:
- ok with lying to people and being deceitful
- ok with stealing
- ok with violence and abuse in many forms
- ok with breaking committments
- prideful and insolent
- sarcastic and irresponsible
- seeks sexual satisfaction constantly
- is faith-less and moral-less and has little care of a higher purpose in life other than seeking self gratification on most levels.
If I have learned anything in 30 years its that Life is hard sometimes. It can be scary and hurtful, and dangerous. Does one really want to choose a difficult person to go through it with or someone who won't even be capable of meeting life challenges and joys in sobriety and at their full faculties? Or someone who cannot enjoy HER at her full levels and sobriety? Someone who has no higher care of a purpose to bring them through life's little trials and tribulations with honesty, true love and respect? Someone who is seeking only worldly riches which are not lasting? What kind of husband would they be? What kind of father will they be?
With that.. we go to a look at society's idea of marriage today...
I went to see the Made Of Honor movie last night, alone. This movie was def produced by men. It was supposedly about a guy who is best friends with a girl and then one day he decides he wants to marry her and (gasp!) get married at all.
The guy in the movie, Tom, (who is incapable of saying I love you) is a foul mouthed, abusive, condescending, narcissistic jerk who sleeps around. He jumps in the wrong bed trying get his dick wet one Halloween night. In this bed is Hannah, a seemingly nice, smart girl who is attractive and goal oriented. He proceeds to insult her and her him (in the name of "honesty") upon their first meeting. (also known as verbal abuse)
Later after 10 years it shows him in bed with what is probably the 10,000th woman and living the "high life". Money, cars, and bitches in bars as they say (and everywhere else). This is portrayed at THE way to be. All his friends are jealous of him and yet as supportive as men can be with their insults and punches.
There is another guy (short shorts guy) in the movie, an underdog who is mercilessly teased for basically just being himself. This movie celebrates the time honored tradition of men being assholes. at some point, Hannah is going to leave for Scotland for work and Tom wishes her well and continues his routine of sleeping around and basically being a rich loser. Then he realizes, he misses her while she is gone and asks his friends well, "maybe it is time to settle down and maybe there is more to life than sleeping around". They laugh in his face, call him names and say they do not understand what the hell he is talking about, like 6 year olds.
He calls Hannah incessantly but they cannot get in touch in Scotland. When she returns he decides he will ask her hand in marriage and suddenly that "she is the one" for him. One thing happens to ruin his plan, and that is that Hannah has already fallen in love with a stoically portrayed Scot named Colin. Colin is attentive and caring, and handsome and he also is moneyed as well like asshole Tom. As Tom is her best friend, she asks him to be her MoH. Tom replies yes and then sets out with his friends to ruin his best friends wedding and relationship as well as "steal the bride".
What kind of man is this in real life? Should they be celebrated and made a film about? Who on earth would get a "catch" being with this type of guy? His friends are macho assholes, he is a sex addict and a narcissist and he has no respect for his own female best friend. Why would a woman think that a man she meets (that she doesn't know) is going to eventually treat her differently than he treats the other people in his life that he does know? He will not. Eventually the "passion" wears off and what do you have? The person, in their imperfection as they really are and they treat the amour the way they see/treated everyone else. Movies and TV, that's why.
Back to the movie, as the asshole gets motivated to steal Hannah, he learns has a job to do as MoH. He has to learn about china, and dresses, and locations, and services. He does all of this portrayed as a champ learning the playbook for a football game with the help of his idiot friends except one who says "fuck this I'm going to the strip bar, and try to get laid, we were supposed to be playing poker, not pot pourri, you fucking pussies." This is a person, Tom the asshole, has chosen as his best friend, how different is he from the real Tom? Not much? Guys rarely hang out with other guys who are the complete opposite of them or that they have no values in common with.
Later, he has to go to Scotland to get her as she is having the wedding there. He points out that she really doesn't know anything about Colin, still seeking to look his best while making Colin look bad, which is nearly impossible. Colin in the movie, is portrayed as THE perfect guy.
Here is where the message comes in, not only should the asshole not have to change his ways, or be a real MAN OF HONOR (the writers have no clue about honor), but that a loser, slut, lying, cheating scumbag deserves to get a great woman like Hannah by making what seems like surface changes in a months time. People DO NOT CHANGE completely in a month, or even 3 months. People change in their own time and with hard work and reflection involved. It is said that men who are dishonest, live in fear or escapism generally cannot change or only change with someone else and changes are gradual VERY gradual. So basically the guy we see before the "change and fear of Hannah leaving" is the same fucking disgusting guy she is actually ending up with!
To me, Tom is an asshole, so is his father. Tom's father is constantly getting divorced and marrying porn star girls (its his 7th marriage in the movie) with sexual contracts. He is physically abusive to Tom. They are unable to say I love you, or show any real feelings/sharing. Ugh.. more of this movie standard? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that...
Tom at the end of the movie after riding a horse to get Hannah (nice to use something so innocent and turn it on itself in an ugly way) and being throw through the doors of her wedding, he verbally abuses her (he tells her she looks terrible and pushes her) once more, and then says "I love you" which ends the movie (apparently it is all the character has ever been waiting for from him) and she apologizes to Colin and decides she will marry Tom instead. Again in real life, what kind of catch is she with?
Who the fuck cares if he said I love you? Why is "I love you" thrown around like so much lard? Love is an action, not a feeling OR a word. Anyone can say "I love you". It's only 3 fucking words. It is the actions that back up the words, and from most men in this movie, and a lot in real life I might add, they don't.
I was grossed out and sickened by this film. Because I know many women, and there is some girl out there who wants to get married, or is looking for someone to complete her perfect picture is going to be attracted to this kind of shit guy and think she is getting a prize. It is all she sees, every where she goes this arrogant, macho, sexual predator picture of "what man is" in all forms of advertisement and marketing and product. From her perception of movies, her hope, her beliefs and her social conditioning, she may end up in a abusive, cheating, thrill seeking, love-less relationship, when she deserves so much more.
In my honest opinion, all these "romantic comedies", are completely wrongly named. They should be called "romanticized abuse movies" because that is exactly what they are. There is no romance in these movies, and for me (a woman), the abuse IS NOT funny at all. They are churning out "I love you" movies that actually cast abusive, disrespectful and dangerous male characters in real life and calling it "feel good or hopeful" or "a dream come true". Who's dream exactly? How gross.
I vowed that I would not allow that to happen to me, that I will use the ouch factor, and I remembered the importance of looking to the Bible for learning, advice and role models not commercials, sinful TV shows, and glamorized abuse movies or people swayed by such dribble and so will my future boyfriend.
I will KNOW and TRUST and be able to RELY on that person before they ever even touch an ankle of mine and they will KNOW me. I will work on myself. I will know my likes, and dislikes, values and fears. I will try to get to being a complete whole person before entering into another relationship with a man. At this point in my life, anything else just won't do and won't be good enough.
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