Dusting off the ol blog. Chip off the keyboard and blowing away the spiderwebs. Hello again, Bloggie! I am writing in here because I believe this will be a year where I may need to "let the crazy out" somewhere, other than to friends and family.
I have contracted a strange illness and this will be my journey going through it. No horror stories, hopefully just posts of growing faith, some confusion, detoxing and good food.
With that here is my Decembers 2nd to last posting. Happy holidays to you! I feel extremely ill this week. I am at 9 weeks on MMS and I am at 13 drops per MMS protocol. My stomach pain is intense again tonight! I feel like I have hardcore cramps. Had a fever this week and intense nausea. Anyone else feel this?!
The last two weeks have been a challenge and eye opening to how I think sometimes, how I need more of God and how much my past has really affected the way I believe life to be. The way I believe life will be. My life has been very hard and so my perspective on life has many times become that life is hard. This is not necessarily true. This is also definitely not the best perspective to have for healing right now. This mindset needs to change! I see my very real need to be going after the ‘renewing of my mind’ to Christ’s promises and God's possibilities instead of my limited view of "what is", "what has been".
God has literally been with me the entire way this week. I must be getting even closer to Him because today I was singing to Him and praising in the shower as I was simultaneously having strange images of (oddly) being in a kind of concentration camp flashing through my mind.
The amount of “lint” on my body from the week before last was disconcerting. What is NOT comforting is that we do likely have this stuff coming out of us onto the clothes, into the washer and also out of the dryer. From what I read from other warriors is that the symptoms of getting to wellness, seem to be exactly the same as the symptoms of contracting this. Itching, intense crawling, and the “bites” or bumps. I am freaked out by the lint situation, buuut, for some reason we went PI and have looked into it; secretly spying on the others clothing in the same dryers, (everyone uses the same 6 washers and dryers) and I cleaned all the buildings dryers with KG and have seen that everyone’s clothes come out with lots of lint - it was not just ours. That was extremely comforting! There is also a linty & non linty dryer, We're now using the non linty dryer and it's much better.
I am most definitely looking into the changing of my typical Western diet. I am trying to create candida free recipes and tweak where I need to so that I can really like some of the food. (I have been eating clean on and off for the last 2-3 years) it seems going back to mostly raw that has been hard, but not impossible. I am even attempting to find ways to eat 3 veggies I always hated-peppers, onions, and eggplant. They have a place in this diet and I need to open up to them! I am on labels like a hound and have memorized the looks of all the names of hidden sugars/GMOs! I cut out the nut cookies, organic tomatoes, vegan desserts and also the blueberries and grapefruit for the time being and will continue to tweak as these were contributing to me being acidic which increases crawling sensations.
SUGAR ADDICT STATUS: So far I am still refined sugar free and I believe I am at least 3 days or so with being strictly even protocol sugar free-all the Praise to God! I literally ran out of my extension kit and had to just rely on diet for 4 days; no Candida Rid; there was 1 day there that I just ate sooo much coconut manna (coconut puree) and almond butter; it was very frustrating for me! This week I am shooting once again for no sugars or only having the "sugars allowed" on protocol. I believe they are natural vegetable sugars, (excluding the ones in the GIycemic article), Stevia, Xylitol, and natural nut sugars (except mold/fungus nuts - peanuts, etc). Spending roughly $80-$100 a week so far in food =/ but it would be higher medical bills I am sure.
Its looking like when we remove what we used to sedate ourselves (my sugars, popcorns and processed foods), all the emotions that I was trying to shove down with food are coming to the surface now. They're here and they are not going away. I turned to food for comfort, not God. Now I need to learn how to get comfort from God while knowing when I even need comfort! Instead of looking in the fridge for where my food comes from. It doesn't come from the fridge and neither does my comfort. This is a lie from the pit of hell that my body has been believing. Yes I buy the food from the store and put it in there but it DOES NOT come from there. I go to the fridge when I'm hungry looking for food AND when I have these emotions. There right in your face, vying for your attention HELLO! Here I am!. Sadness, Frustration, Despair, Confusion, Impulsiveness, Anger, FEAR. And I have a choice to make: stuff these down with a bag of "paleo protocol" chips, 3 handfuls of almonds and a box of grain free/sugar free cookies OR allow the emotion to move up, out and through me, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel. AND it does feel uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. The crawling comes and it's a constant reminder that I am messing up with the food. The nausea comes as a reminder. Your comfort IS NOT HERE, God said in a very low voice. Little by little though I feel I AM getting there. I WILL be able to claim being healed and I WILL overcome this food/addiction. It's more than just figuring out what I am going to be able to eat at/through the movies this Wednesday. Today it's more like I am questioning exactly what am I eating during the movie, FOR?
MOVING/MARRIAGE: Looks like my SO after seeing me sick for the last couple days does not think it is a good idea for us to move across country after all. He wants to keep me as stable as possible. He does not want to put added stress on me and the last 3 days I could hardly get up to feed myself much less pack and such. He has been very sweet taking care of me. Our marriage date is being held off as well then while we raise money to even get married, be able to move in somewhere together and so that I can have a RING and a DRESS. Even I wonder well, Why? Why do I feel I need these things? In God's scheme of things, of His love, the consistent continuing love that he wants us to have for each other, to respect each other, to give to one another and submit to one another under Him - seeking first His kingdom. Where are these material things even a part of that? They are not. Why then are they important to me?
Sure, when I was a little girl I had dreams of a marriage, my wedding (as all little girls probably do) but, from the movies. I never had my own original desire to even get married or even pictured myself doing so because it seemed like such a mistake from what I could see with my own divorced parents and abusive lifestyle. However, now I find, I just dont want to get married right away. I do not want to rush it because we are sick and yet we don't want to keep sleeping separately and not live together.. but that's a terrible reason to rush a ceremony. We talked about it and it all just feels wrong. Freeman WANTS to give me the ring and WANTS me to be able to wear the dress I want to wear, but I don't want to feel crawling in our wedding clothes. We've decided to wait. We don't want Morgellons to be part of our wedding memories or rushing it just because of our situation. We always said we were not planning the wedding because we were planning instead for the actual marriage. We have been working on our marriage way before the wedding plans came into effect, BUT its not planned. No, the "wedding" is NOT PLANNED. That's bad right? The irony is now I want it to be planned before rushing ahead. Yet, I'm tired. I have no energy to plan. We have zero money to do it the way we would both even want to. I have no energy to do it at all as I once did and would have taken on all aspects. His youthful energy (and low symptoms) is spent on working many hours so that I can have a place to live while he stays nights over at our friends house since we want to honor God before this marriage and do not sleep in the same place or fool around with one another.
Anyway, it's a strange week for me indeed. This has turned into a feelings rant, but I believe God will be with me and give me clarity.
